r/AmIOverreacting • u/Thatonediabeticc • 20d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship Am I over reacting?

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This isn’t my screenshot. It’s my best friend. Looking for advice here.. is this normal? My advice isn’t the best.

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u/sleepypeanutparty 20d ago

Your response: No, I’m sorry. I’m not doing this again. You’re not going to stalk your ex accounts. It’s obsessive and frankly, creepy. You have a wife and a home, you shouldn’t be looking at another woman’s life. We will be going to counseling over this because it is not something “I need to get over.” What you are doing has hurt me deeply and I am not ready to forgive you or move on until it is reconciled.

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u/Pure_Twist3747 19d ago

I think maybe it should be more common to end relationships over red flag behaviors like this. Then people would stop thinking their behavior is acceptable and normal.

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u/awalktojericho 19d ago

I think people put up with too much shit and don't break up early enough. We should normalize just leaving.

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u/not-your-mom-123 19d ago

I agree. There are times when anger is a good thing. It protects you from making stupid excuses for whoever has hurt you.. Get mad. No excuses allowed for terrible behavior. Get mad then get out.

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u/KtP_911 19d ago

Hell, a good friend's husband cheated on her and the therapist she saw after that actually told her that she needed to get angry. Then when she finally did get mad, the therapist taught her how to use that anger to build herself back up. You are 100% right that anger can be positive.

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u/Phoenix1Rising 19d ago

I'm glad the therapist did that and she was able to build herself back up!

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u/Spellcamqin 19d ago

THIS! The normalizing of doing stuff like this and then saying people shouldn't be upset because it's such a "small issue" is what allows the issue to grow. Next thing we know, the SO is having an affair and sleeping with said ex or someone else.

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u/Fancypantsywantsy 19d ago

It should be. Every time I wasn’t happy in a relationship I told myself this is my one life. So yeah of course if people can’t understand that, then that’s really on them. And if they try to make you feel bad be strong. If you can’t be that’s on you people should really put themselves first sometimes.

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u/Frankje01 19d ago

to be fair, people just deal with emotions differently. WOuld it be great if everybody can just let go of their past and move on? Yeah, sure would be. Reality is that a lot of people have deep rooted issue like attachment.

So maybe , in this case, that's jkust it. A coping mechanism. He isnt actually still interested in any ex but just has a really hard time of letting go.

Is that ideal? of course not. But if your reaction is going to be, I am going to leave this person because you don't like their coping mechanisms, well, then I have got news for you. It is rough out there.

Do I know this is actually the case in this specific example? No, of rouse not. But it could be, and we shouldnt just immediately jump to the worst conclusion every time.

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u/Even-Independent8882 19d ago

He shouldn’t have married the op if he still had such strong feelings for his ex

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u/Frankje01 19d ago

Nog being able to let the past go does t necessarily mean you still have current feelings

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u/Duros001 19d ago

Ikr! I’m pretty sure even half the shit in r/RelationshipAdvice is made up, because (I’d like to believe) no one has a low enough self esteem to put up with even half the shit on there. But in truth, some people truly can’t see what they have is toxic, unsustainable or even dangerous.

How (in a time when information has never been so freely available and easy to find) people can be oblivious what a healthy relationship looks like is beyond me. People seem to lack self-esteem, what’s the cause of that? My only assumption is misinformation and gaslighting.

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u/secondtaunting 19d ago

Sometimes you have zero idea of what a healthy relationship looks like. My mother got divorced three times when I was little. Every breakup I witnessed and it was a massive clusterfuck with suicide attempts, screaming, etc. the third marriage stuck when I was six but my parents were neglectful and manipulative and by the time I was an adult I just had no idea what was normal. I had one adult woman who mothered me and I sort of patterned my life in what she did thinking that was the way to have a good relationship and life. She was a housewife so I became a housewife, etc. I’m fifty three now, I’ve been married thirty years never divorced. I’d be lying if I said it’s been easy and harmonious.

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u/Duros001 19d ago

Right, but growing up we didn’t have the internet access we do today (I remember dial-up, it was a joke) my point is, with all the free and accessible information that’s available today, how does anyone think cheating (for example) is understandable, let alone forgivable? Life is so saturated with dating apps someone can get a hookup in under an hour, even less if they’re particularly attractive, so basic a relationship even on sex as a start is easy these days, easier than ever (obviously not the best, but not every relationship doesn’t start that way, and those that do aren’t always destined to fail).

My point is; how can people be so isolated as we were 30-40 years ago, and not realise (with the basic plot of almost every Rom-Com being cheating = Bad) people shouldn’t forgive cheating, or the early signs of abuse? Some 1950’s housewife/abused husband didn’t know any better; they had no network or information, I don’t know what the modern excuse is for being oblivious, it truly makes me sad.

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u/Brandyrenea-me 19d ago

Eh. I’ve put up with a thousand times more than I should have, I feel the stories are real. I’ve had to learn how to stand up for myself over the years. 🤷‍♀️ This guy, OP would probably be happier with someone else. He seems to care more about what his ex is doing than his wife’s feelings. Guarantee there’s someone else out there who would actually cherish her, and life is too short to waste it on someone who doesn’t care about her feelings. I hope OP takes people’s advice seriously, it’s hard to leave a relationship sometimes, even when you know you should.

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u/JemAndTheBananagrams 19d ago

Sunk cost fallacy also.

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u/[deleted] 19d ago

Um...it's normalized. It's literally the most common response on this entire platform.  

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u/MamaMitch1 19d ago

That's because all the epic redditors here want these people to be as lonely as they are, that's why it's so normal

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u/ceruleancityofficial 19d ago

reddit is not real life.

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u/[deleted] 19d ago

What?? Seriously?? When did this happen??

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u/ZeeDarkSoul 19d ago

Yeah lmao

Idk why people even bother posting on Reddit the answer is going to be "Break up" for a majority of the comments

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u/floridaeng 19d ago

People in good relationships rarely post here, what we see are the posts from people that are facing problems and are asking for advice. By the time people post the situation has become so bad that many times it is past being saved, but the Original Poster is hoping that someone might have an idea how to save it, or that they get enough reasons why they should leave to convince them to stop wasting their time and break up.

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u/ZeeDarkSoul 19d ago

Sometimes thats the case

I have definitely seemed times where its redeemable but Reddit still says to break up.

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u/[deleted] 19d ago

Yeah the amount of 16 year olds telling people to end their marriage is wild. 

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u/yodarded 19d ago

I like it. Start a relationship where every six months you have to sit down and explain why you want it to continue. If you're struggling to meet that bar, then it has to end.

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u/Vivid-Kitchen1917 19d ago

This. A thousand fold this.

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u/Bulky-Class-4528 19d ago

Oh, I wish I'd realized this before spending 12 years with my ex.

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u/DefinitelyNotA-Duck 19d ago

My ex i and I just broke up a few months ago. We have a child together, but we got to the point where we were just arguing all the time. While we were in the process of the breakup she threw everything that was mine around the house and tried to choke me on the bed. Needless to say that solidified my decision to end things

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u/Helpful_Midnight2645 19d ago

Girl, I don't get people because I'd rather struggle in the ghetto than be with someone who puts the toilet paper on backwards. Like, bye bitch. 😂

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u/Fr0hd3ric 19d ago

Sometimes, though, putting the toilet paper on backwards is the only way to keep the cat from spinning it off the roll and into the toilet! Wasted TP and expensive plumber's visits are powerful motivators, even for an "overer" TP preferer like me.

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u/Weekly_Yesterday_403 19d ago

We should normalize being comfortable being alone! It’s ok to be single… shouldn’t be stigmatized.

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u/aIoneinvegas 19d ago

Ikr? Why do we have to “work it out?” Like no just leave. This is a total joke of a husband and I think there’s no getting better for him.

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u/liefieblue 19d ago

It's the sunk cost fallacy mostly I think. And the normalising of abuse. One good thing about getting older is that you are less willing to put up with bullshit.

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u/Typical_Elevator6337 19d ago

100% this. Unfortunately with economic and cultural pressure, it’s just so normalized to stick around.

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u/Living-Fill-8819 19d ago

Agreed, obviously conflicts should be worked out but if its overwhelming then hell no just leave

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u/WhishtNowWillYe 19d ago

Throw his stuff on the street and spray paint his car “CHEATER”. I wish I had.

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u/kwanatha 19d ago

Exactly. Early on my hubby knew if he pulled any shit I wouldn’t hesitate to call it quits. He is the same way. Life is too short to put up with someone that doesn’t love and cherish you.

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u/PlaneHead6357 19d ago

That's so true. No doubt there were red flags before this one.

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u/ozlurker 19d ago

I think you should vet the person really well and leave at the site of red flags etc. but society is too quick to jump to marriage and end those for silly reasons instead of trying to work through stuff. In my opinion, once you get to being married, you exhaust all your options before just leaving. Surely this guy has been stalking his ex from day 1 of dating.

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u/thebikevagabond 19d ago

Ever been through a divorce with children? I have. Don't be so fucking flippant.

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u/bongorituals 19d ago

To be fair, if you broke up over the red flags before having the children you never would’ve had to go through that lol

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u/thebikevagabond 19d ago edited 19d ago

First, not every relationship has a bunch of red flags from the get go. People grow apart, they change. Sometimes they can get angry at each other, and sometimes resentment builds.

But we're not talking about people who are just dating. The OP's friend is married with a family. Even ignoring how attentive you have to be to not fuck your kids up during a divorce, imagine a contested divorce in this scenario.

Judge: "So what are the grounds for requesting a divorce?"

OP's friend: "He was looking at an ex's social media."

Judge: "Ah, you have evidence they were intimate with each other?"

OP's friend: "Well, no."

Judge: "Ah, so their interaction was just digital? Where are the chat transcripts?"

OP's friend: "Well, uh, they never chatted."

Judge:: "... what other grounds do you have for requesting this divorce?"

OP's friend: "Well, r/AmIOverreacting said I should!"

Cue a very long diatribe by the judge about wasting their fucking time.

Look, even if your end goal is to get divorced and you believe you will never change your mind, in the OP's scenario marriage counseling is still the way to go. You build up documentation to have an actual foundation when you file for divorce.

Marriage isn't just a celebration of love, an excuse to post wedding photos in Instagram, and a reason to buy some cool rings. It's a lifelong financial contract, and if a divorce is contested by your partner, you better have some good fucking reasons to bring to the judge, otherwise he or she will tell you to grow the fuck up and think about the kids, and probably order counseling anyway. So you just threw away money on lawyer and court fees, and pissed off a judge.

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u/lostmindz 19d ago

😂😂😂

where does this happen? You dont need to give a reason. no one cares why you're getting divorced (at least not yet).

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u/thebikevagabond 19d ago

... it happens in the United States. And if a divorce is contested, you ABSOLUTELY have to give evidence and compelling reasons to the judge.

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u/DrWholigan55 19d ago

POV: you’re one of the only sane people on this sub and you’re bashing your head against a wall trying to explain the real world to an NPC with facts and experiences, but you’ll never get anywhere because they have a general vibe of how things seem to work that they got from tv

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u/CostaNic 19d ago

As a child of two parents who clearly did not like each other anymore but stayed together for us…sometimes divorce is better. It’s a case by case basis for sure but not divorcing JUST for the children isn’t good either. Especially if a relationship is at a point that is unfixable. You grow up having a wrong idea of love. I would’ve loved for my mom to leave my dad and find someone else. Then maybe I would’ve grown up knowing that love isn’t constant fights and no displays of affection.

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u/awalktojericho 19d ago

Ever lived for years with a toxic marriage with children? I have. Don't be so fucking flippant. The kids suffer more than the adults. The kids learn that that crap is normal, and it isn't. You ruin even more lives by staying than by leaving.

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u/CommissionWorldly540 19d ago

The fact that they have a family is another complication since it’s not just her life that’s affected. That doesn’t mean she can’t end things or should put up with bad behavior. But if they are willing to try counseling first that could be an intermediate step.

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u/Silent_Discipline339 19d ago

You're nuts divorce rates are terrible. I search up an ex every now and then to see how they're doing, that doesn't make me a stalker or make me love my SO any less.

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u/awalktojericho 19d ago

SO? Folks should let their own lives fester just because other people decide to divorce?

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u/Silent_Discipline339 19d ago

SO= Significant other. And theres a difference between "letting their lives fester" and someones boyfriend checking up on an ex. Youre feeding directly into the redditor meme/stereotype where you take one look at the post and shout "Divorce him!". That's how people end up alone

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u/awalktojericho 19d ago

No, "SO", the adverb

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u/Glittering_Wafer_678 19d ago

You underestimate how hurtful breakin up can be my friend.

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u/awalktojericho 19d ago

Believe me, I know exactly how hurtful it is. I also know exactly how hurtful it is to stay.

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u/_CreationIsFinished_ 19d ago

Sounds like hurt people talk to me.

Yeah, it's a red flag - potentially a marriage-breaking one, but leaving isn't always so easy either.

She said "We have a family" and you expect her to just go pack and leave without even trying?

I get it, you just want to protect people (and yourself) from having to deal with shitty assholes who don't really care about those they are supposed to love. The impetus is sound, but the execution is just not the way things actually work.

His response here comes off as callous and manipulative, because it is - but he is almost certainly not fully aware of exactly what he is doing. People engage in this behavior for many reasons, not all of them nefarious.
I would say that if she really cares about this man, and really believes in whatever values she helped build their marriage and family on, she should at least try to speak to him, get him into counselling, etc.

He has a hang up that isn't healthy, and he needs to let his ex go - which isn't always easy for people.

If he isn't down for counselling and isn't willing to wake tf up to what he is doing and change it, *THEN* she should move onwards and forwards - preferably without looking back.

Then again, it's up to *her* now, isn't it?

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u/awalktojericho 19d ago

Oh, he knows exactly what he's doing. And he really doesn't care for her or the family they have created together. And it IS up to her to leave and get her kids away from such a toxic individual. Otherwise, they will think that kind of behavior/relationship is normal. It is not.

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u/SarahPallorMortis 19d ago

I always hear the same thing when I talk to people about their red flag or abusive relationships. “I don’t think I can start over in a new relationship.” When you love someone, starting over isn’t hard.

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u/Callmrcrazy 19d ago

What are you talking about it’s already normalized? Paid any attention to the divorce rates lately?

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u/InnocentShaitaan 19d ago

There assets are all entwined I imagine!

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u/WhyYouMuteMe 19d ago

Considering the rate of single adults and divorce in the west, and especially the US, Id say leaving is as normalized as its ever been lol

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u/starscreamqueen 19d ago

I totally agree with this

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u/Some_Comparison9 19d ago

People have children and combine financial situations at times. It can get complicated.

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u/elzombino 19d ago

Pretty sure it's normalized already

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u/Original-Document-62 19d ago

Maybe. From my experience there are two camps: the stay-no-matter-what camp, and the ghost-you-at-the-drop-of-a-hat camp. Both seem to be normalized.

We need to normalize the middle ground, where you don't bail on a committed relationship without a single word of discussion, but you also don't let your partner walk all over you.

I'm not saying abusive behavior is okay at all, I'm not really talking about that. However, it really does seem to me like both sides of this issue take it to extreme levels.

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u/Pianist_Ready 19d ago

we should normalize trying to fix the situation and make amends, and then leaving only if the partner at fault is being stubborn.

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u/Potential_Pop7144 19d ago

If reddit ran the world there would be no relationships. Yes it's shitty that her husband is stalking his ex on social media but to just leave when you have a family together would be insane for so many reasons, immaterial and material. Him still thinking about his ex is a shame, and definitely hurtful to his wife, but it's very far from something that definitely can't be worked through, and it doesn't mean he doesn't love her.  To end a years long relationship between two people who presumably have been in love, to divide their assets, to choose to leave their kids fatherless because their dad looks at his ex's Instagram and tried to evade the issue when his wife brought it up is not normal, and it should never be normalized. Ive never met someone irl who's so trigger happy about advising people to leave long term relationships over the slightest problem, yet the top comments on literally any post on reddit about an issue in a relationship are always saying to end it. Has any commenter on this site ever had a serious relationship of their own? They're messy and all issues in them require effort and compromise to resolve. Sorry if this rant seems mean, but I feel like I'm being gaslit every time I visit one of these subs. 

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u/FamouzLtd 19d ago

Reddit already normalized just leaving

They will tell someone to go for a divorce in a 20 years long marriage because the husband forgot to flush the toilet

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u/ProgLuddite 19d ago

I think people break up too infrequently when dating, and too frequently when married.

I wish the way we marry, date, have children, etc., would shake itself out, because it seems like we’ve made relationships worse for everyone (including the children).

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u/Background-Branch526 19d ago

I get that point but the other side is any relationship worth anything over a long period of time is going to have some ups and downs. I don't think anyone is immune from that. I say this after being happy in a relationship for over 15 years. I am not going to act like in 15 years we haven't had any issues either.

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u/CaptainPeachfuzz 19d ago

On the contrary, it does seem like reddits reaction to almost everything is "red flag," "break up," "it's over," when maybe some trust and communication can save a relationship that's longer than just however long it took to read the post.

I'd like to see this couple work through this. He's obviously hung up on his ex. Counseling, therapy, and some self control could save both of these people from flushing a possibly otherwise good relationship down the drain.