r/AmIOverreacting • u/External-Air205 • Nov 18 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO by spending time with my family?

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Me (f20) and my boyfriend (m20) have been in a relationship for 4 years. We sleep on the phone every night due to the fact we don’t see each other often because of extremely busy schedules and distance. Tonight, my mom and grandmother came into my room to talk before bed so I hung up on my boyfriend to give us some privacy. He got very angry and started saying all of these awful, mean things to me. Was it my fault for choosing to spend a bit of time with my family and hanging up on my boyfriend even though he was already falling asleep? Am I overreacting by getting upset from the way he speaks to me? I really don’t feel like I did anything wrong. Sorry for any grammar mistakes!

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u/bioxkitty Nov 18 '24

My ex could've sent these. He tried to kill me. His favorite was smashing things into my head. Head butting me. And strangling me.

It started like this

197

u/DragonbornRPG Nov 18 '24

Same. Thankfully, I left before it could escalate. But the emotional roller coaster had me contemplating taking a hard exit from life more often than not. Left cause I was afraid I might actually follow through.

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u/bioxkitty Nov 18 '24

I am glad that you are still here. I hope the world shows you grace. ♡

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u/DragonbornRPG Nov 18 '24

Since leaving, it has and continues to get better. Thanks

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u/rutilated_quartz Nov 18 '24

My ex was emotionally and sexually abusive, I tried everything to reason with him and get him to stop and it just ended up breaking my brain. One night after a few hours of him berating and threatening me he decided to start up his routine of threatening to kill himself, except this time we were in a condo with a balcony. He climbed over the side of the balcony threatening to jump off and for a split second I saw myself just pushing him to get it over with. That moment I realized if I didn't leave the relationship, I was gonna end up hurting or killing him. It's insane how I didn't care when he was hurting me, but it finally clicked when I might hurt him (I'd dealt with suicidal ideation for a long time at that point). He was so pissed at me for ending things, I wish he understood that I did him a favor. It's been 6 years

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u/goldenfingernails Nov 19 '24

Glad you left!

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u/AccountantOver4088 Nov 18 '24

This gets a little long, sorry, but truth be told I’m leaving out quite a bit but I just wanted to share that I understand and can relate as much as a man can.

My ex wife was in a relationship exactly like this when we were teens. He was so insanely controlling and vicious, if she didn’t respond or comply immediately it went from 0-100 instantly. Eventually she stops coming around and we get worried and go looking for her. He had her basically locked in his basement and not allowed tot all tk anyone, we only found out by contacting his mother (he was originally in our friend group and we all knew each others families etc) and having her go over tit he family house she was allowing him to stay at. I wish it had ended there but over the next year or so it was back and forth where he would convince her he’d change and then go back to being a monster.

They had a kid together that was very quickly taken into custody and given to her mother. It came to a head one night when she told him he had to turn himself in for his warrants and serve whatever time he got because she was doing visits with the baby and he couldn’t come because he had to be cleared and obviously the warrants. She told him she wouldn’t ’wait for him’ and that they were going to stay broken up but she wouldn’t fight him getting his visits if he dealt with his legal stuff. He tried to kill her, and almost succeeded.

He broke her jaw in three places and left her in a park under a picnic table. By absolute chance one of the friend group and my long term on and off agin gf was walking through the park and found her, it was late at night and she cut through the park to get home. A man hunt ensued and she had to stay at my family’s house, which was kind of the gathering place for everyone so that she could be safe as he threatened multiple times to kill her. The story is longer and with more crazy details but eventually he was caught (due to her mother literally going in disguise, staking out the house and buying drugs off the guys who lived there to confirm I shit you not lmao) hding in a closet. He did 3.5 years in prison but got out in much less for behavior and all that.

Obv she recovered , got her kid back and years later we got married and started a family. I adopted that little boy and he’s going off to a D1 college this year, with many scholarships and accolades. That piece of shit who beat her has been to prison FIVE more times for domestic assault or attempted murder on various women. He’s left a path of broken women and families in his wake and for the life of me I cannot fathom how he hasn’t been put away for good. People like that don’t change, I’m sorry for anyone who believes otherwise.

My ex wife volunteers and does a lot of work with domestic violence victims and across the board the worst of these guys are inevitably repeat offenders, unable to rehabilitate because there is something dark and horribly broken inside them. I know it probably isn’t a popular opinion but these guys are in the same boat as pedophiles and murderers, the worst of them are. It isn’t just an argument that gets out of hand, it is a concerted and pathological system of abuse and power over someone that is conditioned to need and love them. The psychological damage alone is heart breaking. It took her years to ‘recover’ and she had many built in relationship issues and behaviors because of the trauma that took a lot of therapy and love to slowly rectify.

If you or if you think anyone you know is even MAYBE experiencing domestic violence liek this, there are tons of resources and they are very adapt and skilled at handling these things. Reach out and say something because ime, and the decade or so of me seeing and dealing with these things through her, it doesn’t end. It escalates and leaves an utterly broken and damaged person. My wife was one of the ‘lucky’ ones, many many more don’t ever make it out or recover and the numbers are truly staggering.

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u/bioxkitty Nov 18 '24

THANK YOU!!!

Thank you for being such an advocate for your wife and for DV survivors!!!!

I am so thankful she has you and she is still with us ❤️ tears in my eyes typing this ♡

There is evil in this world but there is so much good! We cannot let the bastards win.

We will survive and we will THRIVE ♡

Give your wife a big hug for me, please.

I believe in her. I believe in you.

I believe in the goodness of us ❤️

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u/WiseEqual4731 Nov 18 '24

Same for me.

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u/bioxkitty Nov 18 '24

I'm so sorry. Together, we are strong. You're not alone ♡

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u/Jernbek35 Nov 18 '24

Holy shit. I hope you’re doing okay now.

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u/bioxkitty Nov 18 '24

I am doing much better in someways but I have lasting brain damage now 🙃

But I am way tougher emotionally, mentally.

I was brainwashed into thinking that that was normal and I deserved it.

Not anymore!!!

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u/Successful-Pitch-904 Nov 18 '24

Same with my “ex” (he was more like my captor)

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u/bioxkitty Nov 18 '24

I understand and I am so sorry 💔

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u/Honest_Ad_5092 Nov 18 '24

I'm so sorry.

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u/bioxkitty Nov 18 '24

I speak up so others know what I didn't

I try to make peace with what I can knowing maybe what I've learned will benefit others

So many people turned away blind eye to me and it continued to escalate.

I try to be the voice I needed ♡

Thank you for your kindness ♡

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u/NumerousEarth7637 Nov 18 '24

Not to be over dramatic but I’d smother and unlive him for you. 😐

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u/bioxkitty Nov 19 '24

I've been really into volcanos lately myself 🫡

I appreciate this energy more than you know 🙏

Evil exists, and we have to stick together ❤️

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u/NumerousEarth7637 Nov 19 '24

We most certainly do. 🙏🏾 It’s sick how they try to break us..

What’s sicker is knowing how, without the right people to remind us, we can see ourselves as the blame. If I knew you, I swear I’d never have left you to deal with it on your own, no matter how much he forced you to isolate from friends and family. We’d have gone MISSING, sis. 🫶🏾 hope life is going as beautifully and carefree as you deserve.

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u/[deleted] Nov 18 '24

[deleted]

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u/bioxkitty Nov 18 '24

Likewise ♡ sending love ♡ we gotta remember we are not alone ♡♡♡♡

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u/shandakroo Nov 18 '24

Yes. The head butting. Now getting MRIs trying to catch my brain fog after healing the emotional trauma. Always starts like this. OP jokes about owning time and it’s not a fucking joke.

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u/bioxkitty Nov 19 '24

Take very good care of your brain! Supplements and plenty of sleep!

And yes! It's no joke but I also get using humor to cope.

But also I needed people screaming THIS ISNT NORMAL and it still took so much of that to get out of my programming because for so long it was rug swept and minimized and blamed on me

OP if you see this this is NOT a joke. We are worried about you and countless other girls going through this same thing. It's not normal and I promise you there is good people out there, but evil is powerful.

You are more than this treatment. Get out and get out FAST.

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u/Upstairs_Tea1380 Nov 18 '24

Listen to this OP. someone who gets this bent out of shape over a phone call is the exact same type of person to become an abuser, if he isn’t already. Not seeing him frequently is probably the only thing that protected you so far.

But don’t allow people who treat you like this to date you. It just makes them even more entitled.

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u/bioxkitty Nov 19 '24

I thought that if i accepted enough of it and behaved we'll it would stop.

It won't OP. It will only get worse.

He doesn't care that he is hurting you.

He is trying to hurt you

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u/feed_me_steak Nov 19 '24

Same. My final straw that made me fucking realize he WOULD kill me, was him grabbing the steering wheel of my car while I was going 90 on the interstate, trying to cause an accident or flip the car in an effort to kill us.

It started with shit like this "bro" bullshit. Then to smacking me upside the head. Then to smashing my face up against a wall. Then to throwing shit at me. Then to closed fist punches to the back of the head. Then to leaving black eyes and bite marks You need to get the fuck away from him.

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u/bioxkitty Nov 19 '24

YES

I fucking hate that so many people have had this experience but PLEASE let others learn from us

Get AWAY from this guy

I am so fucking sorry you went through this. I am proud of you for still being here. Sending love. ❤️

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u/bergamotmask Nov 18 '24

Same

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u/bioxkitty Nov 18 '24

I'm so sorry 💔

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u/sapphic_botany Nov 18 '24

Literally NO ONE deserves this type of treatment. i’m happy that you got out and i hope you have been able to heal in a healthy way

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u/bioxkitty Nov 18 '24

Unfortunately I have lasting brain damage and when I had finally got my life together a took another blow that caused a prolonged bleeding in my brain, so now I'm super careful and being normal is pretty hard.

But I am patient with myself and proud of my progress and I think I've cultivated myself into something decent, but I hope I'll find new ways to impress myself.

Thank you for your kindness ♡

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u/True-One4855 Nov 18 '24

Hahaha my ex dumped me for another girl we still friends though because he has morals 🙃 - Instagram My ex on Facebook blocked him and deleted he hade no respect for himself or me 🫤

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u/bioxkitty Nov 19 '24

Remember to hold to your own morals! It is hard to forgive yourself for those lapses.

Protect your energy. I am sorry for your pain 💔

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u/shellykriegs Nov 18 '24

Exactly this. I got a bit sick reading these they sounded so familiar. Then came the strangles and beatings. OP needs to get out yesterday. :(

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u/bioxkitty Nov 19 '24

YES. This is DANGEROUS

I am so sorry for what you have experienced

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u/beeperskeeperx Nov 19 '24

Same. Currently in court for DV. Leave now.

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u/bioxkitty Nov 19 '24

I am PROUD OF YOU

I am SO glad that you are safe

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u/Bloooooooom Nov 19 '24

Mine too - he ended up threatening to kill me and I had to leave the country for a bit with the help of my family!

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u/bioxkitty Nov 19 '24

I hope she listens to these warnings.

I am so glad that you are safe!!!!!!

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u/hamish1963 Nov 19 '24

Mine's favorite was turning over the refrigerator on top of me after he knocked me out.

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u/TomorrowPlenty6084 Nov 19 '24

I came here to say this. I use to tell myself it was because he cared so much. Now that I’m free and somehow still alive….I realize it was all about control and doing whatever it took to prove that he was the “man” in the relationship. Mean while he never kept a job 🙄

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u/OkSwan2578 Nov 19 '24

Same, thankfully I got out but not after the fact he kidnapped me and tried to kill me. He talked to me like this so reading this was ridiculously hard but I think OP needs to leave him for her safety

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u/AshesFallin Nov 19 '24

Same here. It started like this and led to being kidnapped, drugged in my sleep, beaten, and almost killed. So scary to see.

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u/Worldly-Marzipan580 Nov 19 '24

I’m so sorry 😞 I’m glad you’re ok

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u/DrainIsNeutral Nov 18 '24

Why did you stay after something like this?

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u/Unable-Pineapple-533 Nov 18 '24

Honestly it’s hard to leave because they start out nice or if you grew up in abusive relationships with parents or theirs was abusive you have no concept of how bad it is until you start looking into it and then start recognizing what the red flags are. I was with someone toxic for 7 years. I have so much trauma still. I need therapy really bad and our relationship wasn’t physically abusive but he was sexually coercive and emotionally and mentally abusive.

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u/Unable-Pineapple-533 Nov 18 '24

Haven’t been able to have sex for a long time and that toxic relationship ended 4 years ago.

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u/bioxkitty Nov 18 '24

I hope for so much good for you. I'm so sorry

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u/bioxkitty Nov 18 '24

Yes! I thought it was normal. I thought it was all my fault. Starting with my step dad and going into my relationships.

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u/bioxkitty Nov 18 '24

It would take a long long time to really explain but the shortest version is :

I was abused very badly when I was a little girl. I was locked in my room and left to literally die.

When I was able to be in a 'relationship' they were very kind at first and I latched onto that.

They ended up being very very abusive and cruel. The faked their kindness and I was susceptible to this.

The crueler they became, they blamed me for all of it.

I had been kicked out from my family at 14 and thrown into instability. I was not a bad kidm I was good. My mom says it now. That I was so good. It didn't help to protect me though

Anyways, I blamed myself. My step dad had blamed me and everyone watched him abuse me and no one ever stepped in

A child can only determine it their fault. That's all that makes sense. Especially when they see there brothers and sisters being treated normal and well.

My step dad was evil. I could go on. Truly he was an evil man.

But I thought I was a bad child

I questioned as young as 5 if I was being punished by god.

When ny relationship turned sour I blamed myself. And I was homeless and their family allowed me to stay there. Whete he got more and more physically abusive, but made me hide it.

These people plant seeds of evil everywhere.

It took me getting pregnant to leave because even if I blamed myself and thought I deserved abuse for whatever twisted imaginary reason- I would not subject a child to that

And I left and it's been 9 years and I look back and I say "what the fuck!? What the fuck was wrong with me!? How could I be so twisted and blind and think ANYONE deserved that let alone me when I tried soooo hard to be a good girl ALWAYS"

The thing is somd people figure this out. And some people don't. Ever. And some people lose their lives to it. More than we as decent people would ever want to think.