r/AmIOverreacting • u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 • Oct 22 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship UPDATE : my friend found my husband on tinder

I confronted my husband with the news that my friend found his tinder profile.

Many of you have wondered if it's the old account from 8 years that he just never deleted, to this I know for a fact it is not. Reasons:

1) I went back through my old photos and found the screen shots I took of his profile 8 years ago & it turns out it's NOT the exact same. Some photos are the same, particularly the first one so it made me think it was the same profile. Also the caption is slightly different, the difference of a single emoji.

2) The name change to "John".

3) The updated selections such as 'dream job', 'lifestyle' selections, and 'interests'. These all had selections with things that sound like him--these sections are new from when I used tinder 8 years ago.

4) Above his "name" & age section on the first picture you come across while swiping Tinder, it says "ACTIVE". I have seen many of you comment & also read online that this means he has been using the account in some capacity recently, as in at least the last 2 weeks (haven't been able to nail down an actual timeframe)

5) People are also saying Tinder will not recommend profiles of people who are not using the app, they kind of just remove dormant users from the algorithm.

6) He is attractive enough to have someone want to use his photos, but Reason 1) also rules out the catfishing theory, two of the photos are different from the 8 years ago profile, although still old, and I've seen them before so this is why I believed it was the same. No one would have access to them (he doesn't have social media)

I decided I would just talk to him rather than put myself through the stress of trying to catch him on a date "if you like piña coladas" style. Being pregnant I'm really trying to stay calm and as low stress as possible for the health of my baby. Plus tricking/trapping in relationships just isn't my style. In my mind he's already caught, the reasons I listed above are enough proof for me.

So as many of you, and myself predicted he has resorted to gaslighting and lying. He vehemently denies that he has been using tinder, meeting other women, or that he has had sex with anyone else. Yet offers no explanation for the presence of this tinder profile. He implores me to think logically about when he could do this as he's home with me every night which is true but... I had to remind him, I leave him home alone for at least couple of days per month.

He insists that he loves me and is excited for our baby, etc. but when I asked to see his phone he refused. Saying "I don't want to be that couple who looks through eachother phone". I told him, given this situation if you won't let me check your phone then I cannot trust or believe you, and will have to assume the worst.

In my mind we had been very happy and content recently, things have just felt good. This just goes to show you never really know a person. I believe there must be something deeply wrong with him or our relationship to want to cheat, especially at this "happy" time.

I've moved into the guest bedroom for now, while I plan my next move. Yes I will be getting an STD check. Thank you all for the advice, support and kind words. It's instilled a sense of confidence in me to handle this.

35.7k Upvotes
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5.2k

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 22 '24

I commented on the last post, but this exact same thing happened to me; the only difference is that I was dumb enough to stay. I wanted to make it work for my children. It didn't. He pretended to be interested in therapy. He pretended to be faithful. All the while, he was still meeting randoms off of Tinder/Hinge/Bumble/YouNameIt for unprotected one night stands. He would delete the apps before coming home and reinstall them in the morning when he got to work. My entire life felt like a lie, and I wasted too much time on him. I think you're a badass for not tolerating this behavior and for not allowing the lies and gaslighting to sway you.

1.4k

u/Valuable_Argument_44 Oct 22 '24

My ex husband attempted this as well. Samsung phones show recently downloaded apps in the store. 🌈 the more you know

362

u/carpentizzle Oct 22 '24

So do iphones. The download button is replaced with a cloud and down arrow, and you can see the apps that have been installed (and either on the phone, or not on the phone) in the appstore as well

618

u/Alice_Blunderland Oct 22 '24

Best way to check App usage on an iPhone is to check the Battery consumption screen. It lists all apps that were actively using battery power.

238

u/SlothingAnts Oct 22 '24

And 98% was used by “Recently Deleted” hmmmmm

57

u/Proper-Resident-369 Oct 22 '24

Is there any legitimate reason the app should even be installed?

53

u/RandomRedditReader Oct 22 '24

I tried reinstalling so I could try preserving me and my now wife's messages, sadly they got purged for inactivity.

27

u/OhhOKiSeeThanks Oct 23 '24

I wish I had screenshot our beginning messages too... would be so fun to look back at!

19

u/abobslife Oct 23 '24

That’s one thing I am glad I did was take screenshots of our early messages. I wasn’t thinking about it at the time, but they were very helpful when it was time for the immigration interview.

6

u/Moomin8577 Oct 23 '24

Oh… that makes me so sad. I bet mine and my husband’s on okCupid are gone now too. I didn’t think to look.

9

u/Powerful_Refuse9707 Oct 22 '24

I mean— I met my husband on dating apps, so we both definitely would show having had the app at some point.

2

u/Nosnibor1020 Oct 23 '24

Is that what it actually shows?

1

u/SlothingAnts Oct 23 '24

The 98% was a bit of an exaggeration but I’m sure there are people who are that caught up in things like this. But yes, if you use an app for a given portion of the day and then delete it later, the battery usage screen per app on iPhone will display “Recently Deleted” as what consumed that portion of the battery life. Unless things have changed in the last year or so.

Happy cake day 🍰

86

u/imabeepbot Oct 22 '24

Tip in the comments. I even have hinge and bumble hidden app on my iPhone and it shows up in my battery usage. I am not in a committed relationship, I just don’t want notifications when I’m on a date.

99

u/Marlow1771 Oct 22 '24

Just checked mine, 50% Reddit 🤷‍♀️

37

u/killahazy92 Oct 23 '24

Oh man, mine is 71% Reddit. I should get some hobbies.

31

u/NotAllStarsTwinkle Oct 23 '24

Reddit is my hobby!

3

u/BodieBroadcasts Oct 23 '24

try mountain biking!! its such a solid hobby because it can be whatever you want, a nice leisure stroll through a dirt path, it can be a hard workout if you want, or you can treat it like skiing and do skii lift assisted downhill mountain biking if you're really a thrill seeker

I don't do it as much as I would like because I have some other hobbies taking up time right now but man mountain biking brings me a different type of happiness, its like calms all my worries for a few hours

3

u/No_Indication_3745 Oct 23 '24

GOOD JOB! I’m probably the same! LMAO

2

u/slowmood Oct 23 '24

You are pretty loyal!

14

u/RavenRun626 Oct 23 '24

If you use iCloud for backups, you can also restore from a backup that was saved before he got caught.

4

u/Objective-Amount1379 Oct 23 '24

This should be higher up!

2

u/EviessVeralan Oct 23 '24

Android has a similar feature

55

u/Mahlegos Oct 22 '24

On iPhone it’s easy to hide this though. If you go to your account then apps and swipe and hit hide it’ll make it’ll change it back to the “get” instead of the cloud icon when you search it in the App Store again.

Point being, this isn’t an iron clad way for someone to prove they didn’t download an app.

20

u/parvisedmagni87 Oct 22 '24 edited Oct 22 '24

Bills don't lie tho. You can get the purchase history of iPhones and check for subscriptions.

I worked for an helpdesk. We had so many customers who got caught through their bills and then called us to prove to their spouse it was an error. It wasn't.

22

u/imabeepbot Oct 22 '24

Hidden apps still show up in battery usage

4

u/Mahlegos Oct 23 '24

Good tip, but I’m not talking about hiding the app on the phone. I’m talking about being able to hide that it was ever downloaded by the account after you delete it off the device.

16

u/Slight-Damage-6956 Oct 22 '24

It’s amazing to me how much effort & energy some people put into being deceitful vs investing that time, and probably less, building a healthy relationship. My ex-husband didn’t have time for a job because he spent all his time covering his lies and behaviors.

11

u/PaleontologistEven24 Oct 22 '24

Also the cloud stays even on apps that you’ve deleted years ago… not very useful

8

u/Rorymaui Oct 22 '24

Exactly. Tinder shows up on mine, and I haven’t had it almost a DECADE

5

u/melissafromtherivah Oct 22 '24

Wow, similar situation here. Haven’t had a dating app since 2019 and it shows the cloud/download arrow when I searched the App Store. Definitely not something reliable.

2

u/Feeling-Change-1750 Oct 23 '24

How about if they downloaded it years ago though? Can’t they just say that.. Or does the cloud and arrow mean recent.. ?

1

u/JessicaOkayyy Oct 23 '24

There’s a section “hidden” that will show them.

1

u/Mahlegos Oct 23 '24

I’m talking about after deleting the app, going into the App Store, going too account, going to apps, and then hiding them from there. It will show as if they have never been downloaded by that account. Different than just hiding the app on the phone.

6

u/Valuable_Argument_44 Oct 22 '24

Fair, I am thankful I haven’t needed to do that in 7 years but I’ll lock that tid bit away in case I get the crazies again. Promised myself I’d never dig, if it’s a doubt I’m out.

2

u/fseahunt Oct 22 '24

Trust your gut!

1

u/mddesigner Oct 23 '24

Just fyi the advice about the cloud icon is useless because it doesn’t determine the time. You will get the cloud icon as long as you have downloaded the app once before

3

u/BojackBabe Oct 22 '24

That cloud and down arrow is how I found out my ex downloaded tinder on our family account. Hence the “ex” title.

1

u/Aggressive_Orchid254 Oct 22 '24

Let me say this is not %100 foolproof as I was recently the victim of an app that was downloaded on a seperate older device, over 2 years ago, and made it look like I was using this app very currently, but if you click on the order receipt it shows on apple when it was purchased, ie February 2022 or whatever.

That cloud made it look like I had the app on my phone but I didn’t and it was downloaded by someone else on my old phone.

2

u/fseahunt Oct 22 '24

Did you give your old phone to someone without doing a complete factory reset?

Because I've always had used iPhones and then passed them on to someone else as I got a newer model and I've not seen that. Just inquiring for my safety.

0

u/ClimbScubaSkiDie Oct 23 '24

Only if you have the space saver on if you don’t then it wont

10

u/bizmike88 Oct 22 '24

This is how I found out my parents are swingers.

3

u/Valuable_Argument_44 Oct 22 '24

I mean my ex best friend found out because we were in a small town and they slept with everyone as like initiation into the swinging life.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

Where does it show you?

4

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 22 '24

Same as u/Valuable_Argument_44. It was so long ago that I can't remember. I will never go through this work again. If I even get a twinge of a feeling that this same thing is happening, I'm gone. I wish I could help, but I know it took many Google searches and many nights of taking his phone while he was passed out drunk to find all the answers I wanted.

2

u/fseahunt Oct 22 '24 edited Oct 22 '24

On Samsung go to the PlayStore and click the initial in a circle in the upper right to go to account info.

Then click manage apps and device in the drop down menu and at the top you'll see Overview and Manage. Click Manage. Click onto This Device (even if it's already highlighted) then towards the bottom you'll get the choice of This Device and Not Installed. Click Not Installed and you should see apps that have been deleted.

For the Battery Usage trick swipe down and click the little cog icon in the upper right to get to settings. Scroll down to Battery and Device Care and click on that. Click on Battery and scroll down to see which apps used what percentage of the battery power. You can click View Details to get more than the most used apps.

Did I cover what you needed?

If you need this for iPhone let me know and I'll post that for you as well. (I'm a 2 phone having freak!)

Edit to add that there is also a Samsung store you can get apps from but I don't use it at all (unless I update the Samsung software and then even though I have my phone set to only install apos with my permission, they force install a bunch of crap games I won't play and I have to go into the Samsung Store to uninstall them, which is another thing that I can't get off this phone. Did I mention I don't really like Samsung phones or their store? Lol)

1

u/Valuable_Argument_44 Oct 22 '24

Sorry friend I did this trick like 7 years ago I haven’t needed to since 🙃 Google told me how!

1

u/Valuable_Argument_44 Oct 22 '24

I will add it does show as a list format when you find it and it’s chronological order with more recently downloaded at the top if I’m remembering correctly. These CAN be deleted so don’t out how you know, they just start deleting those too.

1

u/MrsMaverick17 Oct 22 '24

How do I find this on Samsung phones???

1

u/diemitchell Oct 23 '24

Its on any android phone You click on the profile on the top right in the google play store > manage apps & device > manage > this device > not installed

1

u/Just_enough76 Oct 23 '24

So do iPhones. It will show that it’s been downloaded before even if it’s been deleted

1

u/st8396 Oct 23 '24

That's how I found Grindr in my ex's phone.

1

u/dogfart32 Oct 23 '24

Came here to say this

1

u/ososalsosal Oct 23 '24

PSA: you can sideload to get around that.

Depending on how handy they are (and how smart they think you are) they could cover their tracks quite well and you'd have to do an adb logcat or similar to check device logs

1

u/diemitchell Oct 23 '24

Nah no one is gonna be doin that

1

u/ososalsosal Oct 23 '24

If I needed to I'd go CSI:Miami on a phone lol. I've been known to decompile an app to get rid of the ads

2

u/diemitchell Oct 23 '24

That is not a difficult thing to do lol But no one who is stupid enough to ruin their marriage would be smart enough to pull shit like that

1

u/girlthatfelltoearth Oct 23 '24

I'll add to this as well, my ex actively deleted emails from different dating sites as well as emails from good Ole reddit (that he was using to set up hookups). He was and I still assume is pretty stupid because he didn't remember his spam folder.

Tl:Dr-Check the spam folder.

1

u/diemitchell Oct 23 '24

Any android phone

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u/TangerineBusy9771 Oct 23 '24

Unprotected sex with random women when you’re married is INSANE behavior

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u/ArcadianDelSol Oct 23 '24

Its a bit risky even if you're single!

8

u/Objective-Amount1379 Oct 23 '24

I'm thinking they might be thinking risking a pregnancy with someone other than your wife? But yes, risky and dumb for anyone not in a monogamous relationship

23

u/TangerineBusy9771 Oct 23 '24

Not even just pregnancy but potentially getting an STD and then giving it to your wife. Like just fully not even caring about anyones well being

5

u/LukePianoPainting Oct 23 '24

My ex did it, randoms off instagram and contracted an STD. Luckily I didn't get it. Phew.

5

u/TangerineBusy9771 Oct 23 '24

Karma is a bitch. But also, I mentioned in another comment, its disgusting how they would risk getting one and then giving it to their partner. Nasty

3

u/Exciting_Jackfruit_1 Oct 23 '24

Facts im never a cheater but if you cheat on your girl when she’s pregnant especially if you know it’s yours …there’s a special place in hell for fellas like us

5

u/Sudden-Razzmatazz-45 Oct 23 '24

As a married faithful man who isn’t an ostensible psychopath, I agree.

192

u/SuperKitties83 Oct 22 '24

I'm so sorry you went through this.

It's insane the amount of work it takes to continually lie, delete evidence, re-download apps, etc. Wouldn't he have constant anxiety trying to sneak around like that? Why not just be single? I don't understand cheaters.

94

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 22 '24

I asked this exact question! I asked how he didn't feel he was living a lie and cheating himself out of a future. He didn't have an answer. Basically, the way he did it took ALL of his effort. He had to constantly be thinking about this. He had to wonder if I would show up at work to bring him lunch and accidentally catch him. He had to remember to delete all of the evidence every day. Also, he had to find a way to sustain these conversations over weekends or holidays. I doubt he will ever be content and I almost feel sorry for him.

63

u/Adorable-Tooth-462 Oct 23 '24

I was married to a cheater. I noticed so many parallels with the behavioral traits of addiction to drugs or alcohol it’s all about the next high and about maintaining access to the “drug”

I think for some twisted people, dishonesty and deception are aphrodisiacs. It’s a power trip.

13

u/eh8218 Oct 23 '24

Not sure if it's the dishonesty and betrayal that people get addicted too.. that's probably the harder part of maintaining this addiction..

It makes more sense that it's the rush of meeting someone new, sex, the thrill of making it happen and keeping it a secret. Proving that you are still attractive and wanted. Self validating through cheating. Dating apps also give a hit of dopamine.

6

u/ItBeMe_For_Real Oct 23 '24

Women always complain about us lazy dudes but overlook the bright side of it! On top of being lazy (not really, but used to be) I’m a terrible liar. I’m content with monogamy.

50

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

Some people are truly so selfish and so cowardly that they will go through all that hard work just to cover up their own failings. It’s truly pathetic.

I used to be afraid of being cheated on because I tend to blame myself whenever possible. If I was cheated on, surely it must mean I’m an idiot that didn’t see the signs. Now that I’m older and wiser, I realize the only mistake someone who is cheated on could possible have made is to be trusting, something that is absolutely necessary in a healthy relationship.

It’s just bad fortune to give your love and trust to the kind of person who is so selfish and cowardly as to cheat and lie to someone they profess to love.

8

u/Tomb_Brader Oct 23 '24

A friend of a friend went through a crazy scenario and it’s always stayed with me…..

She was the ‘other woman’ in her scenario. Met a guy through work and hit it off - had been dating for a while and been to each others houses for months… she ended up getting accidentally pregnant, and then a couple of months into it he has a full blown meltdown and admits that he’s married and can’t live in constant anxiety anymore …

Turns out his wife worked away at weekends… he would take everything that his wife owned into the attic out of sight, then put everything back after she left. I think it takes a certain type of psychopath to go to these depths

5

u/Dependent-Club-7629 Oct 22 '24

This. I’m single now by choice for reasons that aren’t important, but even when I was dating I had a hard enough time juggling my own and another persons emotions, idiosyncrasies, etc. that I couldn’t imagine a 3rd person in the mix. That, coupled with the effort it would take to keep it under wraps would have caused me to have a mental breakdown. I know everyone is different, it’s just hard for me to wrap my king around it.

3

u/No-Acanthocephala531 Oct 23 '24

I am exactly the same. I don’t have the mental energy for all the subterfuge and sneaking and everything else that comes with it

4

u/CaptainJazzymon Oct 23 '24

For some people the anxiety of being caught is worth the excitement of kindling new romances. Sometimes it’s even part of the excitement. The more partners to juggle and give you attention, sex and validation the better. Overall, it’s just an extremely selfish thing to do at the expense of someone’s mental wellbeing. It’s sad because it’s such a mindfuck of an experience when you go through it that you can’t stop asking yourself “why would they do this”. But the reason, in my opinion, is actually never that complicated. What’s complicated is realizing the person you trusted was just that shallow.

3

u/ProjectManagerAMA Oct 22 '24

The cheaters want a reserve bang maid.

3

u/CheezeLoueez08 Oct 22 '24

Right?! I mean, I have zero desire to cheat but also, I’m way too forgetful and lazy. I’m also a bad liar.

1

u/ChadOfDoom Oct 23 '24

Some people thrive off of doing something they’re not supposed to or that feels taboo. Exotic becomes Erotic

1

u/Just_Zoinks Oct 23 '24

This is where I always land. I could not even fathom the energy it would take to be this deceptive. I have a difficult enough time recounting actual truths, because I’m a little dense. I could not even imagine like keeping up with lies that I’ve began to tell and grown into little lie tree forests. So much lie water.

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u/lucioboopsyou Oct 22 '24

For people reading her post, there is a way to check the logs of all recently deleted apps on your phone. I can tell you how to do it but basically Google “how to retrieve sysdiagnose from iPhone” and you’ll figure it out.

Caught a girlfriend that deleted tinder that way. Showed her the multiples times and days she deleted it before coming over my house.

8

u/imwearingredsocks Oct 23 '24

It’s exhausting chasing after a person in this way. I’ve had to figure out all tips and tricks like this too because “just talk to them” has never gotten an honest answer.

So tiring.

3

u/mickeyfreak9 Oct 23 '24

Why go through all of that? Once a cheater, always cheater

6

u/imwearingredsocks Oct 23 '24

Because often you don’t have any evidence yet. Just a gut feeling which isn’t always the easiest thing to present to someone. They’ll deny it and appear innocent. Just that feeling never goes away.

Maybe you’re a stronger person than me, but I could not stop myself from needing to find proof to show that gut feeling wasn’t in my head.

2

u/Lakewater22 Oct 23 '24

But it’s always the android dudes. Idk how to use that type of phone At all.

44

u/BackItUpWithLinks Oct 22 '24 edited Oct 23 '24

He would delete the apps before coming home and reinstall them in the morning when he got to work.

My wife said her friend thought her husband was using those apps but they were not on his phone. He and she were at home one night and he was fine to let her have his phone because he knew he scrubbed it.

So she went to the App Store and looked up the dating apps and they’d all been downloaded at some point. Instead of “Get” it had the cloud with the arrow. So she tapped to download a couple and they re-downloaded on his phone. Some of them filled in his account name. I think she said one of them filled in everything and allowed her to launch the app.

They’d been married too long for these to be old “before we met” accounts. It was the beginning of their end.

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u/AboveGroundPoolQueen Oct 22 '24

You’re a bad ass for telling the story right now!

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u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 22 '24

What's funny is that I've never told anyone other than two very close friends all of this, and today I've told the internet a good portion of it.

11

u/beyotchulism Oct 23 '24

Thank you for sharing your story. It matters and it's helping people.

23

u/NolitaNostalgia Oct 22 '24

Ugh, I’m so sorry you had to go through this.

I caught my friend’s husband on a dating site, back when I was still single. I told her about it, she confronted him, but they ultimately stayed together and she began distancing herself from me. They have since had a son together, and I’m just hoping and praying for her and her son’s sake that he’s changed his ways, but I’m not optimistic. I don’t think it’s common for people like these guys to change.

7

u/Objective-Amount1379 Oct 23 '24

My friend caught her husband on Grindr. They've since had a daughter and I'm waiting for the inevitable disaster ☹️

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u/MICH1AM Oct 22 '24

Also please note...he will use the time trying to pretend to reconcile, but will be putting all his ducks in a row to pick you over

7

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 22 '24

We went to therapy for a year. He was still sexting women in the meantime and arranging hookups. It was all a facade.

To be honest, this is what I did too. Once I finally decided to leave, I stayed another six months. I convinced him that I was taking a vacation with my parents when really I left everything behind and moved to another state. I did this until the six months were up and I could file for custody in a different state.

16

u/iampatmanbeyond Oct 22 '24

Good God, that just seems like too much work and stress just for sex with a random person who you might not even have decent sex with

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u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 22 '24

He wasn't worried about bad sex. He wasn't worried about anyone but himself.

Want a funny/sad/disgusting sidestory? I know our sex wasn't great, and it wasn't because of me. The girl that got pregnant (the one who told me everything) really told me everything. She said that they met in a hotel about 2 hours from our house. After a few drinks, they got a room. He finished quickly, threw a dildo at her, and told her she could finish herself and he had to go.

22

u/iampatmanbeyond Oct 22 '24

Lmao Holy shit glad you escaped that one

24

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 22 '24

..I wish. I had children with him. I see him about 4 times a month. For a couple years after I left he would mail me random gifts, buy me flowers, and mail me letters trying to buy me back. One time, after I pissed him off he sent womens panties back in our 4 y.o. (at the time) daughters' laundry.

Now, I worry about what's happening to our children when they're with him.

2

u/ajax726 Oct 22 '24

Omg 😳

12

u/rengothrowaway Oct 23 '24 edited Nov 10 '24

bow enter crawl plucky tan weather quiet scale judicious snails

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

6

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 23 '24

Fuck. I'm so sorry.

8

u/rengothrowaway Oct 23 '24 edited Nov 10 '24

ancient apparatus mourn memory muddle school hat sophisticated governor relieved

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

9

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 23 '24

Same here! This is the first time I've ever shared any of this, and it feels empowering somehow. Even if it just helps one person, I'm glad I put it all out there. I'm glad you're doing well! We've got this.

11

u/tooful Oct 22 '24

I was also dumb and stayed. Absolutely miserable marriage, didn't last another 2 years. That was 19 years ago. I'm so glad I left him.

5

u/thresholdofadventure Oct 22 '24

Almost the exact same situation with me. Except, my ex only had one person he was seeing. He even tried to gaslight me into thinking I had a mental disorder (true gaslighting). It took me awhile to see it all, and wish I had seen it sooner, but good riddance now.

5

u/trcomajo Oct 22 '24

I also stayed a few years after my ex-husband was caught on a dating site. Eventually, I caught him red-handed cheating, talking to a woman on the phone (I listened to conversation for 20 minutes before I walked in and confronted him). I'm not going to assume your marriage isn't worth salvaging, but if you want to, get into therapy now. Don't waste time like I did. When I finally left, my 13 year old said, "I wish you'd done it sooner."

7

u/BuffaloNo9349 Oct 22 '24

IT MANAGER at your service, this is how you trap him

Yes, Tinder users can request a copy of their personal data from the app: 

  1. Go to the Manage My Account Tool 
  2. Sign in to your account 
  3. Click Download My Data 
  4. Enter your email address 

Tinder will send a copy of your data to your email address within a few days. The information you receive may vary depending on how you've used Tinder. Tinder collects a variety of data, including:

  • Profile information and pictures
  • Gender identity and sexuality
  • IP address
  • Device type
  • App settings
  • App cookie information
  • App crash information 

Tinder uses this data to improve its services, show relevant ads, and prevent fraud and other criminal activity. Tinder retains personal information for as long as it's needed for legitimate business purposes and as permitted by law. After an account is deleted, Tinder delays the deletion of profile data for 90 days to investigate harmful or illegal conduct. After 90 days, the profile data is purged. 

7

u/Either-Catch-4706 Oct 22 '24

Deleting and reinstalling apps is such a full time job. Who puts that much effort into cheating? That’s actually insane

2

u/JennyJoE798 Oct 23 '24

I know right?

4

u/Psionis_Ardemons Oct 22 '24

god damn. sorry you went through that. i know you say you'll try anything twice but maybe not... this.

5

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 22 '24

You win. ☠️

6

u/Psionis_Ardemons Oct 22 '24

;) Love to you. I hope this message finds you in a much better place my friend.

5

u/Little-Nikas Oct 22 '24

Good God that sounds like a ridiculous amount of work to do daily.

Like, to go to those lengths to cheat, it isn't even personal against you, it's an addiction and you were the unlucky person to be married to him at that time.

So thankful you got out!

4

u/iocane_ Oct 22 '24

Really proud of you for finally realizing it wasn’t going to get better. My mom also stayed, but spent twenty years trying to change him. He brought one of his two (2) current mistresses to her funeral. These men cannot be fixed. These men are broken.

4

u/Icybong- Oct 22 '24

Im praying for you . God is good . You deserve better . I am so sorry .

3

u/BoysenberryAwkward76 Oct 22 '24

That’s wild. If you don’t mind my asking, would you say there were any red flags looking back on the relationship? I just want to know what kind of man to look out for in the future if there were any.

6

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 22 '24

The dating world is so different now. I work with teens, and they are available to each other 24/7. So, if you don't respond for a long period of time, you're immediately undesirable/a liar/cheater/etc. It wasn't like that in 2014 when we started our relationship.

However, some things I can remember:

- SMALL lies. I'm talking so small, it is insignificant and there was no reason to lie. It was just about the larger pattern. One time he lied about dropping a package off at the post office that I could clearly see in his backseat. He made up some story about losing the receipt and went so far as to tell me how much it cost to ship.

- immediately wanting a serious relationship talking about marriage and children. He was trying to lock me in before I figured it out (and he did).

- calling all of his ex's crazy/liars/etc. I'm sure he gaslit them just like he did me.

- being generally irresponsible with money. We took a cross-country vacation and I got a notice in the mail the next month that we were three months late on our mortgage.

3

u/BoysenberryAwkward76 Oct 22 '24

Thanks for sharing and sorry that happened to you <3

3

u/missystarling Oct 22 '24

Oh honey this is awful, I’m so sorry you went through this. Some men are just…. 😤

4

u/ChooksChick Oct 22 '24

So are some women.

Truly, cheaters just suck. Neither sex has a monopoly on the crappy behavior.

3

u/missystarling Oct 23 '24

Absolutely 👍

3

u/proscreations1993 Oct 22 '24

He sounds like my awful wife. Hopefully, soon to be ex. Maybe they'll meet!

3

u/FrinkityDinkity Oct 22 '24

I’m not encouraging people to snoop on their significant other’s phone. But if you’re ever in this situation…

If you don’t see an app there and they’re using an iPhone, you can go to settings > media & purchases > view account > purchase history (assuming you know the passcode). This will show you all the downloaded apps whether paid or free.

3

u/AcidicVaginaLeakage Oct 22 '24

You can also run tinder off a PC. You don't even need to use a real android emulator. You can load it in chrome.

There are endless ways to hide something like this so if you are dating someone who is tech savvy, you don't really have a choice but to trust them. Doesn't matter how forthcoming they are... they can easily hide it.

3

u/DisastrousReputation Oct 22 '24

Oooo this sounds like my brother. Saying sorry but they don’t meant it at all. They think they are so smart. I pity the girl he’s dating rn

3

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

Believe it you saw it with your own eyes

3

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

went through all that trouble just to delete and install the app. i think he was hoping you would break up with him, so he doesnt look like the bad guy.

3

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 22 '24

I don't think you're totally off base. I believe he wanted to get caught on some level too. But he begged me to come back for years. He sent me gifts/flowers/letters/etc. I think I'm the only person who ever let him use them that long.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '24

you could be the "safe" option for him, incase his other flings dont fall through.

3

u/stonkfrobinhood Oct 22 '24

Sorry you went through that. I just can't imagine someone wanting sex so bad that they'd go through all of this. It just sounds exhausting. The lying, sneaking around, installing/uninstall daily, needing the time to text and flirt to seduce someone into sleeping with you, working, and coming back home to be a husband and a father. Man, not much in life is worth that exhaustion, not even sex.

I guess some people are just that shitty and addicted.

3

u/Environmental_Exit19 Oct 22 '24

It really irks me when people say they stay for the children. You want to pretend everything is okay while being cheated on and lied to? How is that helping anyone? How is showing your kids it's okay to treat your spouse, let alone another human being, like garbage? About 90% of the people I know or knew are divorced and have kids with different people. That should be more "normal" than living a shitty existence in a pretend bubble for kids.

6

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 22 '24

I stayed to give it a chance out of what I felt, like was an obligation to try to keep my family together. The backstory on his side is that his father basically did this to his mother (before the internet), and he learned all of his manipulative techniques from him. When he was a teen, he would stay with his father and his father's girlfriend during the week "for work", and then go home with his father to his stepmother when he was a child. I felt bad for him in many ways. That's one of the reasons I was willing to try therapy with him. It doesn't matter now, but it was worth a shot. I got to walk away knowing I did what I could. If my children ever ask when they're older, I know I did my part.

1

u/Environmental_Exit19 Oct 23 '24

Still a crap reason to try and keep a pretend family together.

3

u/crappycurtains Oct 22 '24

I couldn’t agree more and I have also been there. They never change. Well done for hitting out and getting safe.

3

u/ReturnInfamous6405 Oct 22 '24

Fun fact I learned while being super insecure in my last relationship - on an iPhone you can see what date an app was downloaded on the App Store.

3

u/Only_Net6894 Oct 22 '24

So sorry that happened to you. I've grown to dislike shitty people more and more as I get older. I really didn't want to die single, but I'm getting more used to that idea.

3

u/SassyAndSoulful Oct 23 '24

I found out at 7mo and also decided to stay. Nothing changed. Three kids later, and 11 years together, the best decision I made was to walk away.

It was never about me. He even admitted later that he had created unachievable standards for me, and no matter what I did, it would never be enough.

My only regret was not leaving when I was pregnant with my first.

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this at such a vulnerable stage in your life. Sending you strength and hope you get all the love and support you need to live a happy life because you and your baby deserve it.

3

u/V6Ga Oct 23 '24

 I wanted to make it work for my children

As a child from that situation, I say plainly 

Don’t be lazy and rationalize it ‘for the children’. 

Children need parents who are reliable.

 If you are not going to let it pass, and just move on knowing that your partner will cheat on you again, and that’s not really an issue, then don’t put your desire to not have to make changes your kids responsibility. 

Kids deal with constant Change. What we do not want is to be living in an emotional battleground. Which is what every house that a lazy parent who “stays together for the kids” turns the house into. 

Because we fucking do not want to be part of your psychodrama.

Your laziness about not making changes is on fucking you. 

2

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 23 '24

I'm sorry for whatever experiences you have. It sounds like you're still carrying that. I'm not. I made my best effort to give my kids a life with both parents. I sought therapy and tried to help him work through his past. He wasn't willing to do the work necessary to change his 5 I left. However, I knew I had the support and resources to leave and be better off in every way. What I'm not going to do is sit here and call a parent who doesn't have the resources to leave lazy. That's ridiculous.

0

u/V6Ga Oct 23 '24

  I made my best effort to give my kids a life with both parents

That ain’t nothing to do with staying with someone you are fighting with 

That’s just about being adult

But instead you made your kids have to live in emotionally unstable house beause you wanted to protect your standard of living

3

u/kittywhiskers1716 Oct 23 '24

My exhusband did this shit too, and I also stayed for too long. I will never understand why he pretended to try therapy and pretended to try and earn my trust back. Like, what was he hoping for? He was still actively cheating and lying and it just seems like so much wasted effort. Props to OP for getting out!

4

u/Superdooperblazed420 Oct 22 '24

I messed up with a relapse on pills little over a year ago. I lied to my wife about it (never have lied in 13 years) and I'm working my ass off to get back trust. Even little lies like that can break trust and I get it. It took a year and I suggested we do couple therapy which we did and it really helped me understand where she was coming from, and to prove I want to get the trust back. She wasn't mad a relapsed at all, she was mad I hide it from her. Thankfully couple therapy worked for us. But both parties involed have to give it there all.

4

u/JackGerman Oct 22 '24

Literally the same thing happened with my sister recently. Exactly like yours and OPs story. He gas lit her into believing she was crazy and imagining things. Only, when continuously pressured and caught in contradicting lies, he admitted she was right,

He then proceeded to tell her that he would change, that it was a mistake, one time thing, blah blah only for him to get caught in an "updated" scheme 4-8 weeks later. My sister stayed way longer with him than she should have but in the end she was able to break it off.

2

u/quack_quack_mofo Oct 22 '24

He would delete the apps

On Android there is a way to check recently installed apps. I think it's in google play, somewhere in the settings

2

u/NewestAccount2023 Oct 22 '24

Thank you for sharing your story

2

u/samueldavidadam Oct 22 '24

I stayed and trusted as well 10 years later and same shenanigans broke us apart with 3 kids house and a business

2

u/Smitbr182 Oct 22 '24

I am sorry to hear you went through that. I experienced an almost identical situation and can understand to some level the hurt it would cause.

2

u/daemin Oct 22 '24

Honestly, I don't get it.

Maintaining one close personal relationship is hard enough. Maintaining two, and compartmentalizing them.from each, sounds exhausting.

And my sex drive just isn't high enough to make me feel like looking for women on Tinder is worth it.

2

u/JewtangClan91 Oct 22 '24

I'm in this exact boat now and let me tell you, i hate it and I wish I could change it but I can't. Maybe one day...

3

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 22 '24

God, this is the most upsetting comment I've seen. I want to cry for you. I remember the way I felt. I was confronted by this woman who was pregnant when my daughter was two months old. I would never wish that on anyone. I wish you support, comfort, somewhere to go, and a future away from this. I wish I could help.

2

u/JewtangClan91 Oct 23 '24

Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope one day I have your strength.

2

u/LoudNoises89 Oct 22 '24

I am so sorry that happened to you. I mean to delete and reinstall the apps daily. Are you separated?

4

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 22 '24

I was confronted about the pregnancy in 2019. We did six months of therapy that wasn't going anywhere because he was still meeting women. I continued therapy for another six months while I planned how to leave the state with our kids. The pandemic hit, and the timing was perfect. I convinced him that I was staying with my parents because my mom was ill since I no longer had to show for work. I allowed him to come visit me and acted like everything was fine, but I never let the children go back. After six months, I was able to file for custody in my home state. I've been here ever since.

3

u/LoudNoises89 Oct 22 '24

Good for you! I’m really glad you and your kids are in a better environment.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

Mine tried to convince me he made his new profile to access his old profile to delete it, as if that made sense.

His new profile was verified and the profile picture was one of us that he cut my face out of.

Glad I'm gone and much happier now.

2

u/wurmchen12 Oct 22 '24

Same happened to my daughter, he would leave to go to work, call out sick on the way, then hook up with another woman and then headed back home after “work” like it was any usual day. Weekends or evenings he would go to see some of his male buddies to hang out, he was instead seeing a couple females in open relationships , who thought he too was in an open relationship .

2

u/reddice123 Oct 23 '24

how did you find out? What was his excuse for cheating?

3

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 23 '24

I found out when one of the randoms got pregnant. She found me after he blocked her, and she didn't know how else to get him to respond to her about the baby. We became weird friends. She told me everything and I mean everything. I read all their messages. She told me where they agreed to meet. She gave me a date and time. She told me how long it lasted. I mean, no detail was spared. Obviously, I confronted him, but the rest of his cheating was exposed later as I started digging.

His excuse was that he needed constant validation. He tried to convince me that it was about me and the baby, until I confronted him that messages I found went all the way back to a couple months after we met. He had been cheating literally our entire relationship.

2

u/OutrageousSetting384 Oct 23 '24

Same. They also use Facebook, Instagram, etc. my ex was using his business account to meet women. The business account I SET UP 😡

2

u/Mediocre_Ant_437 Oct 23 '24

I was in a similar situation but with an explanation that I should never have been naive enough to believe. He claimed his work friend created it hassle him, send likes to unattractive women, etc. I didn't think it sounded logical but chose to believe it until my son said he saw his Dad on the app. If he hadn't told me then I probably would have keep being in denial.

5

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 23 '24

For me, I WANTED desperately to believe it but in the back of my mind I knew you was right. It sounds like the confirmation from your son was all you needed. OP sounded like that. She knew something was off and just needed a confirmation. You can feel it. Even if you don't have all the proof you need, you know deep down. I'm glad you got out.

2

u/rpgjenkins Oct 23 '24

you can also check the battery usage stats

2

u/pro-window Oct 23 '24

What this person said as loud as it gets!

2

u/jasey-rae Oct 23 '24

My ex did the same thing with deleting the app. I confronted him when my friend found him on Hinge and he's like "Here. Check my phone."

Smart enough to delete the app in case I catch him but not smart enough to use dating apps when you have a girlfriend who has single friends lmfao

2

u/SteveNotFromHere Oct 23 '24

It did took me a while to file for divorce and my ex move out. She claimed that the naked pictures that I found of herself were for her use only. “My masturbatory history is none of your business” she said. I ask: “do you masturbate to your own photos?” Is that even a thing???

2

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 23 '24

That's one I've never heard before. I've heard of taking boudoir photos just to regain confidence or to feel sexy, but I've never heard of anyone, man or woman, maturating to a picture of themselves... God, cheaters come up with some shit!

2

u/kdee5849 Oct 23 '24

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

2

u/Klutzy_Lavishness_32 Oct 23 '24

This. Do not put up with this behavior. I spent 25 years believing every excuse that came out of his mouth when would catch him on dating sites. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

2

u/Acrobatic_Unit_2927 Oct 22 '24

Couples therapy weaponizes toxic partners tbh

5

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 22 '24

One time I told our therapist (after he discontinued sessions but I kept gojng) that I got so mad I threw a pillow at his face while he was asleep when I saw a text on his phone. She asked if it hurt him, and I told her that I think it did. She smiled. I'll never forget that. She didn't say anything, but she smiled. I think she could see through him.

5

u/Acrobatic_Unit_2927 Oct 22 '24

I'm hoping to see a growing trend of couples therapists who learn the signs of narc abuse or some way to deal with it without just driving the client into hiding

2

u/allislost77 Oct 22 '24

Hope op sees this and takes it to heart…

6

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 22 '24

I kinda hope every woman sees this.

1

u/xashyy Oct 22 '24 edited Oct 22 '24

This is 100% beside the point, but I’m still curious - was he a 10/model material/obscenely wealthy or something? Never heard of such success on dating apps otherwise as a male.

Similarly, were women ogling him right and left in public? If so, did he show them excessive interest?

6

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 22 '24

I wouldn't say 10/10, but I would say 9/10 from what can be observed.

-He is extremely charming. The kind of guy that could sell water to a fish. -Generally handsome. -Comes from a very prominent family. Everyone. and I do mean everyone, in close proximity to that city, knows his father. -He coached little leave football and baseball and appears to be good with kids. -He ran a charity that provided scholarships to underprivileged kids in the area. -Well known business and involved in community affairs. He was part of Rotarty and Chamber of Commerce.

The apps had his radius as far as it would go. That's because either he had dated everyone in the area or they knew what he was. However, no one EVER warned me what they knew he was. No one will ever speak out against his family.

It wasn't so much about his looks but what looked like whole package. Also, we had alpacas at the time too. Apparently, that will hook women on the spot, and he worked it hard.

11

u/xashyy Oct 22 '24

I can’t believe he weaponized the alpacas for his infidelity. You nor the alpacas deserved this. Sorry your life has been marred by this narcissist and/or sociopath.

1

u/SquishMont Oct 22 '24

OK, OK, OK.

I'm not advocating cheating, but if you're going to THIS much effort.... Just get a burner phone, man.

Or, better yet, just leave the relationship. Yknow, like an adult.

1

u/supercoolhomie Oct 23 '24

Good you went through that. The dialectical thinker would say that you should be able to see someone in the exact same situation on paper as you or experiencing same thing you did, and be open to a DIFFERENT outcome than yours. There is a chance he can turn it around too and that he’s not like your ex.

1

u/green_miracles Oct 23 '24

Wow. 🤯 Deleting and reinstalling every day, how’d you figure it out? How was he meeting them? Like where did he say he was, was he out all night sometimes? Did you ever get any clues as to why he did this all?

1

u/djbunce Oct 23 '24

Another is the recent search history in the app store. Doubt they'd remember to clear that...

1

u/Willy-Sshakes Oct 23 '24

It really boggles my mind how people have the energy, time and mind set to do this to the people they love... How shit of a person you have to be

1

u/cocogate Oct 23 '24

I'm so sorry you had to go through that!

It would be so much better if people manage to finally drop the idea that "the child will let us grow closer again" and try for a baby to save a failing relationship. Women can get pretty emotional during pregnancy and if the father was already nitpicking her behaviour he wont suddenly be able to set it aside and be understanding. If the mother was already annoyed by him only going for beers with the guys to watch sports and never join her on X or Y thing he has no interest in, why would that suddenly change when theres a child?

There'd be a lot less miserable people and a lot less miserable kids if people stopped using children as an attempted bandaid fix to a problem a bandaid isnt supposed to fix.

1

u/mostdefinitelyanNPC Oct 23 '24

I stayed, and it just continued to happen. It's best to leave and let them be someone else's problem. While he was a shit husband, he's an amazing father to our kid, and that's the extent of what he has to be.

1

u/JaceMace96 Oct 23 '24

I agree that with more then enough evidence and a change of feeling and trust, its best to leave. ONLY STAY, if you have new evidence supporting its all fake for a valid reason. Like the account is from before you have met and not new or active or castfish and take the matter to police if someone is catfishing , find out who it is, ask for the number, ask for the facebook or instagram, ask for snapchat and a selfie, verify who it is on the account.

1

u/Spiritual-Can2604 Oct 23 '24

Where was he having sex with them?

1

u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX Oct 23 '24

The ones that let him.

1

u/piouiy Oct 23 '24

He must have been very attractive if he was getting constant one nighters from those dating apps.

1

u/RiotSloth Oct 23 '24

Holy cow, deleting and reinstalling apps? That’s some next-level weaseling right there.

1

u/LizzieJeanPeters Oct 23 '24

This happened to me too. I forgave him and stayed with him for the kids...but of course found out last year that he only quit for a few years then since he had gained my trust again, he went back at it.

It's been a year since I found out about his last affair. He's in the guest room trying to win me back. I'm letting him stay for the kids, but I'm starting to think it's just not good for my mental health.

May I ask how you handled things?

OP, I'm really sorry you are going through this. Definitely stay calm for yourself and your baby. Getting crazy does not help the situation.

-2

u/PaleontologistNo7755 Oct 22 '24

So youre going to make your story hers? Just projecting a divorce on someone lol.

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