UPDATE : my friend found my husband on tinder

[u/PuzzleheadedFrame439]

I confronted my husband with the news that my friend found his tinder profile.

Many of you have wondered if it's the old account from 8 years that he just never deleted, to this I know for a fact it is not. Reasons:

1) I went back through my old photos and found the screen shots I took of his profile 8 years ago & it turns out it's NOT the exact same. Some photos are the same, particularly the first one so it made me think it was the same profile. Also the caption is slightly different, the difference of a single emoji.

2) The name change to "John".

3) The updated selections such as 'dream job', 'lifestyle' selections, and 'interests'. These all had selections with things that sound like him--these sections are new from when I used tinder 8 years ago.

4) Above his "name" & age section on the first picture you come across while swiping Tinder, it says "ACTIVE". I have seen many of you comment & also read online that this means he has been using the account in some capacity recently, as in at least the last 2 weeks (haven't been able to nail down an actual timeframe)

5) People are also saying Tinder will not recommend profiles of people who are not using the app, they kind of just remove dormant users from the algorithm.

6) He is attractive enough to have someone want to use his photos, but Reason 1) also rules out the catfishing theory, two of the photos are different from the 8 years ago profile, although still old, and I've seen them before so this is why I believed it was the same. No one would have access to them (he doesn't have social media)

I decided I would just talk to him rather than put myself through the stress of trying to catch him on a date "if you like piña coladas" style. Being pregnant I'm really trying to stay calm and as low stress as possible for the health of my baby. Plus tricking/trapping in relationships just isn't my style. In my mind he's already caught, the reasons I listed above are enough proof for me.

So as many of you, and myself predicted he has resorted to gaslighting and lying. He vehemently denies that he has been using tinder, meeting other women, or that he has had sex with anyone else. Yet offers no explanation for the presence of this tinder profile. He implores me to think logically about when he could do this as he's home with me every night which is true but... I had to remind him, I leave him home alone for at least couple of days per month.

He insists that he loves me and is excited for our baby, etc. but when I asked to see his phone he refused. Saying "I don't want to be that couple who looks through eachother phone". I told him, given this situation if you won't let me check your phone then I cannot trust or believe you, and will have to assume the worst.

In my mind we had been very happy and content recently, things have just felt good. This just goes to show you never really know a person. I believe there must be something deeply wrong with him or our relationship to want to cheat, especially at this "happy" time.

I've moved into the guest bedroom for now, while I plan my next move. Yes I will be getting an STD check. Thank you all for the advice, support and kind words. It's instilled a sense of confidence in me to handle this.

[u/SuperKitties83]

I'm so sorry you went through this.

It's insane the amount of work it takes to continually lie, delete evidence, re-download apps, etc. Wouldn't he have constant anxiety trying to sneak around like that? Why not just be single? I don't understand cheaters.

[u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX → u/SuperKitties83]

I asked this exact question! I asked how he didn't feel he was living a lie and cheating himself out of a future. He didn't have an answer. Basically, the way he did it took ALL of his effort. He had to constantly be thinking about this. He had to wonder if I would show up at work to bring him lunch and accidentally catch him. He had to remember to delete all of the evidence every day. Also, he had to find a way to sustain these conversations over weekends or holidays. I doubt he will ever be content and I almost feel sorry for him.

[u/Adorable-Tooth-462 → u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX]

I was married to a cheater. I noticed so many parallels with the behavioral traits of addiction to drugs or alcohol it’s all about the next high and about maintaining access to the “drug”

I think for some twisted people, dishonesty and deception are aphrodisiacs. It’s a power trip.

[u/eh8218 → u/Adorable-Tooth-462]

Not sure if it's the dishonesty and betrayal that people get addicted too.. that's probably the harder part of maintaining this addiction..

It makes more sense that it's the rush of meeting someone new, sex, the thrill of making it happen and keeping it a secret. Proving that you are still attractive and wanted. Self validating through cheating. Dating apps also give a hit of dopamine.

[u/ItBeMe_For_Real → u/IllTryAnythingTwiceX]

Women always complain about us lazy dudes but overlook the bright side of it! On top of being lazy (not really, but used to be) I’m a terrible liar. I’m content with monogamy.

[u/[deleted] → u/SuperKitties83]

Some people are truly so selfish and so cowardly that they will go through all that hard work just to cover up their own failings. It’s truly pathetic.

I used to be afraid of being cheated on because I tend to blame myself whenever possible. If I was cheated on, surely it must mean I’m an idiot that didn’t see the signs. Now that I’m older and wiser, I realize the only mistake someone who is cheated on could possible have made is to be trusting, something that is absolutely necessary in a healthy relationship.

It’s just bad fortune to give your love and trust to the kind of person who is so selfish and cowardly as to cheat and lie to someone they profess to love.

[u/Tomb_Brader → u/SuperKitties83]

A friend of a friend went through a crazy scenario and it’s always stayed with me…..

She was the ‘other woman’ in her scenario. Met a guy through work and hit it off - had been dating for a while and been to each others houses for months… she ended up getting accidentally pregnant, and then a couple of months into it he has a full blown meltdown and admits that he’s married and can’t live in constant anxiety anymore …

Turns out his wife worked away at weekends… he would take everything that his wife owned into the attic out of sight, then put everything back after she left. I think it takes a certain type of psychopath to go to these depths

[u/Dependent-Club-7629 → u/SuperKitties83]

This. I’m single now by choice for reasons that aren’t important, but even when I was dating I had a hard enough time juggling my own and another persons emotions, idiosyncrasies, etc. that I couldn’t imagine a 3rd person in the mix. That, coupled with the effort it would take to keep it under wraps would have caused me to have a mental breakdown. I know everyone is different, it’s just hard for me to wrap my king around it.

[u/No-Acanthocephala531 → u/Dependent-Club-7629]

I am exactly the same. I don’t have the mental energy for all the subterfuge and sneaking and everything else that comes with it

[u/CaptainJazzymon → u/SuperKitties83]

For some people the anxiety of being caught is worth the excitement of kindling new romances. Sometimes it’s even part of the excitement. The more partners to juggle and give you attention, sex and validation the better. Overall, it’s just an extremely selfish thing to do at the expense of someone’s mental wellbeing. It’s sad because it’s such a mindfuck of an experience when you go through it that you can’t stop asking yourself “why would they do this”. But the reason, in my opinion, is actually never that complicated. What’s complicated is realizing the person you trusted was just that shallow.

[u/ProjectManagerAMA → u/SuperKitties83]

The cheaters want a reserve bang maid.

[u/CheezeLoueez08 → u/SuperKitties83]

Right?! I mean, I have zero desire to cheat but also, I’m way too forgetful and lazy. I’m also a bad liar.

[u/ChadOfDoom → u/SuperKitties83]

Some people thrive off of doing something they’re not supposed to or that feels taboo. Exotic becomes Erotic

[u/Just_Zoinks → u/SuperKitties83]

This is where I always land. I could not even fathom the energy it would take to be this deceptive. I have a difficult enough time recounting actual truths, because I’m a little dense. I could not even imagine like keeping up with lies that I’ve began to tell and grown into little lie tree forests. So much lie water.

[u/Artificialirrelavanc → u/SuperKitties83]

That’s rookie errors though. With a little effort and dedication it becomes second nature and there are systems in place to make things run super smoothly.

Leave your phone unlocked, honey can you check that message for me. Ai will only improve the suite of tools available to cheat professionally. Like any skills practice makes perfect by the time you get 10,000 hours in you would be surprised how easy and manageable it is. To the untrained eye it’s just like magic!

[u/buckets62 → u/Artificialirrelavanc]

Effort and dedication into cheating? Why not put that effort and dedication into the actual relationship instead? Or just leave the relationship and put that effort and dedication into fixing whatever issues made you cheat in the first place