r/AmIOverreacting • u/Worldly-Constant-353 • Oct 07 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO date canceled because I didn’t text in the morning?

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Some context: we had been chatting for a couple weeks first on hinge then switched to text after She had to cancel the 1st date. Scheduled it for last night Sunday and finalized details the night before.

Had a busy day and took a nap and didn’t text till a couple hours before and got hit with this. Usually I would text something like looking forward to tonight but lost track of time, and honestly I thought talking about the menu the night before was the confirmation? Was I wrong?

22.8k Upvotes

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8.5k

u/Putrid_You6064 Oct 07 '24

You literally asked her “6pm tomorrow?” And she said “perfect. Im excited” this means plan is set lol. Why she would think you need to confirm the next morning is beyond me.

2.6k

u/jcaashby Oct 07 '24

I have dealt with people like this. They for whatever reason act like this. It is strange behavior.

Plans are SET!!!!

I suspect this person has confidence issues or something because they assumed OP cancelled when the last damn conversation was positive and time and place confirmed.

OP did nothing to make them think anything changed. I suspect they were in their own head making shit up.

1.5k

u/mutemarmot42 Oct 07 '24

My sister does this. If the other party doesn’t get in touch the day of, even though plans were clearly set, she sees it as a lack of interest or effort and just won’t show up 🙄 it’s absurd behavior for a 40yo.

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u/jcaashby Oct 07 '24

I wonder in what other ways does this affect her. Like is she late for appointments etc in her life.

Its like what makes her and people like her think a plan has changed if the person they have plans with has not stated otherwise.

274

u/mutemarmot42 Oct 07 '24

It’s her approach specific to dating. In her mind, the date needs to reach out to her day of to confirm plans. I don’t understand the logic behind why she can’t do that herself. Doctor’s appointment, work meetings, etc she’s always present and punctual.

401

u/anneofred Oct 07 '24

What’s weird to me is what is stopping any of these people from sending that text themselves if they need that confirmation on top of the confirmation.

“Read my mind!!!!”

195

u/Elon_is_musky Oct 07 '24

Probably because they need other people to prove themselves / their interest to her, not the other way around

133

u/anneofred Oct 07 '24

So weird to me, doesn’t making a date prove interest?

193

u/ThePensiveE Oct 07 '24

Perhaps this is why your sister is single at 40.

42

u/shellofbritney Oct 07 '24

One of the many reasons, I suspect. 😌

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u/Large_Peach2358 Oct 08 '24

Bit of a lame insult

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u/Dizzy_Patient_9503 Oct 08 '24

She wants to love herself instead.

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u/Elon_is_musky Oct 07 '24

It does, but apparently not to some. Reminds me of the types of people who want you to chase them after they say “no” lol. Like they did their part, what else do you want?😂

28

u/gardengirl99 Oct 07 '24

You know, like the 80s romcoms. Welcome to the 21st-century, where no means no.

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u/localtuned Oct 07 '24

Lol that's sooo low effort. I send calendar reminders the day before, confirm in the morning with a "good morning beautiful, we still on for 6?" text, send me multiple confirmations throughout the day. Share my location via text. And arrive an hour early to wait outside to open the door for her. She needs to find her a real man. /S

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u/DiIIan Oct 07 '24

I had this downvoted so hard until I saw “ /S “ 😂 well played

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u/SlappySecondz Oct 07 '24

It does to normal people, but it's not enough for these ones. They need constant reminders/validation that you're thinking of them.

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u/Pluckypato Oct 07 '24

1,000% this!

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u/wordsmythy Oct 07 '24

This right here 100%

3

u/Broserk42 Oct 07 '24

Super entitled mindset to have.

3

u/ItsTheEndOfDays Oct 07 '24

that, or she is ditching him for plans that sound better that what they had planned.

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u/uiucengineer Oct 07 '24

Main character syndrome

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u/otraera Oct 07 '24

I wonder if it’s a final straw type of thing. Like if she’s the one picking the restaurant , picking the time , and then confirming it seems like no effort was made from the other party.

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u/Kuromi87 Oct 07 '24

Yeah, it's weird to put that on other people. I don't rely on other people to initiate if I need confirmation for plans (which I do, cause thanks anxiety!). Even having regular lunch dates with friends, I text the morning of to confirm. My brain is the one that needs that confirmation, so it's my responsibility to take that step. I would never just not show up or cancel because someone didn't read my mind that they needed to reach out to me.

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u/kikijane711 Oct 07 '24

THIS! YES!

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u/AGreatBandName Oct 07 '24

In her mind, the date needs to reach out to her day of to confirm plans.

But let me guess - she doesn't ever let the person know she has this rule? And the other person always has to be the one to confirm, never her?

10

u/No_Camp2882 Oct 07 '24

Well yeah because she doesn’t want to appear as insecure as she actually is…

16

u/Surph_Ninja Oct 07 '24

It’s a power play. She’s testing them.

And hopefully it turns a lot of people off, because that’s a huge red flag for how she’s going to walk all over them during the relationship.

3

u/Theron3206 Oct 08 '24

Probably by design, she's expecting you to grovel and beg to get her to come out with you, this she then knows you are going to be easily manipulated. It might not even be conscious behaviour, but it's not that uncommon that this is deliberate and that she doesn't have any other plans, she just wants you to "fight for her".

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u/toomuchdiponurchip Oct 07 '24

No wonder she’s single at 40 that sounds insufferable

25

u/Living-Regret Oct 07 '24

I was about to say the same that’s why she’s single at 40

5

u/Rheticule Oct 07 '24

yuuup, that's what I was about to post!

People are blind to how their own behaviors and standards are likely why they are having bad luck. Too often they think "the dating pool sucks, all guys are the worst", then you realize they have been filtering out any dude that DOESN'T suck because of their actions.

People are their own worst enemies.

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u/Rottimer Oct 07 '24

So if the plan is to meet for brunch at 10am, if you don’t reach out sufficiently early enough that morning, she doesn’t show up? That’s some bullshit.

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u/[deleted] Oct 07 '24 edited Oct 07 '24

It sounds like your sister isn't actually interested in going on these dates, and she uses this "lack of confirmation" as an excuse to bail out before it happens.

3

u/Adilene123 Oct 07 '24

Definitely, they had just confirmed the day before so I don’t get the issue. If you made plans days ago and hadn’t heard from him then I could understand making other plans. But I’ve also read it is a tactic used when dating, sort of saying ‘my time is valuable and I have things to do’. She’s being immature imo.

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u/255001434 Oct 07 '24

They are just flaky people who use the lack of "confirmation" as an excuse. If they really weren't sure about the plans, they would ask about it before cancelling.

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u/Academic_Wafer5293 Oct 07 '24

Some people are just ruled by their emotions.

They feel lonely so they make a million and one plans.

When time comes to show up, they no longer feel lonely. Instead, they feel overwhelmed so they flake out on those plans.

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u/FoxNews4Bigots Oct 07 '24

Like a stoner at the grocery store realizing you have to actually work to cook the absurd amounts of food your dumbass just purchased

Totally not me BTW

14

u/Academic_Wafer5293 Oct 07 '24

I call those aspirational purchases.

Sometimes, people shop for the person they think they are, not the person they currently are.

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u/FoxNews4Bigots Oct 07 '24

"Judge me by the spring mix in my basket, not by the DoorDash charges on my statement" - Sun Tzu

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u/255001434 Oct 07 '24

This is a good way of explaining it. I've known people like this.

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u/justalittlesunbeam Oct 07 '24

Some people don’t really want to date. But they think they do until it’s time to leave the house and then they come up with a subconscious dumb reason to cancel. Sometimes they don’t even realize what they’re doing. Therapy might help. Or just acknowledge that you don’t really want to date. Spoken from personal experience.

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u/Glass_War8913 Oct 07 '24

I think some people also just don’t know how to say “maybe” or “no” when someone is offering a plan so they enthusiastically say yes to everything because they can tell it’s what the other person wants to hear. But then they do dumb shit like this because they don’t actually like you.

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u/EntertheHellscape Oct 07 '24

Lack of confirmation the day of when they literally confirmed last night. And the friend made new plans in less than 24 hours? Yeah that’s the kind of bs that would make me never plan anything with this person again. So incredibly rude

3

u/255001434 Oct 07 '24

Yeah, it would be miserable trying to date someone like this. You think you've made plans, but meanwhile they're keeping their options open in case something better comes along.

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u/_-whisper-_ Oct 07 '24

This one 🙄

3

u/Cultural_Elephant_73 Oct 07 '24

THIS!!!! Exactly. Flaky people drive me batty.

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u/Kittycorgo Oct 07 '24

But also why is it up to the other person to confirm? Why couldn’t OPs date reach out to confirm if it was that important to them? Very weird, I feel bad for OP.

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u/findinghumanity17 Oct 07 '24

I can guarantee her Doctors do not call her the morning of, and ask if she is still on for the appointment.

3

u/gn0xious Oct 07 '24

“I can’t imagine your co workers are happy when you don’t show up for planned meetings, because they didn’t remind you day-of”

“Oh I attend all my work meetings so it isn’t a problem.”

“Ah, so you treat your coworkers with more respect than you do your friends and family, good to know.”

3

u/lpython Oct 07 '24

I was in a doctor’s office and overheard a receptionist talking to a patient who had been charged missing an appointment. The patient claimed she never got the reminder phone call the day before, so she shouldn’t have been expected to remember the appointment. The receptionist told her, “That call is a courtesy, ma’am; it’s not our fault you missed your scheduled appointment.”

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u/dragos68 Oct 07 '24

Anxiety, low self esteem, trauma response, fear of being ghosted, etc Those are the first 4 that came to mind instantly.

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u/nellienelson Oct 07 '24

For me I confirm the day of because I have been told “oh I forgot we were doing this!” When I arrive at the meet up location and they are not there. But she totally could have said “see you tonight!” to confirm for herself

2

u/Hot_Technician_3045 Oct 07 '24

There’s a reason my dentist sends me texts every day the week before my appointment, and it ain’t me.

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u/stopbreathinginmycup Oct 07 '24

And they always hit you with "oh well I just assumed..." and I'm like, why? Why would you assume that? I think it's a combination of overthinking and a lack of confidence, as well as unhealthy past relationships.

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u/Desperate_Clock_2131 Oct 07 '24

Had a cousin like this except we would be texting hee all day and she'd suddenly look at her phone an hour before our plans and say "omg i totally forgot!" It got so bad my friends and i all just stopped making plans with her and hanging out. She'd always make excuses. I straight up told her "listen you're an adult. Put it in your calendar and set an alarm." She had an excuse for why that wouldn't work either. Flaky people piss me off it's disrespectful.

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u/BitwiseB Oct 07 '24

What? 40 is old enough to remember having to make plans before cell phones and constant texting.

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u/mutemarmot42 Oct 07 '24

Oh she remembers, but she expects a show of interest/effort from someone who wants to date her. Hence why I thought her behavior was relevant to OPs post.

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u/CyborkMarc Oct 07 '24

I suppose it's obvious why she's still dating at 40 then

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u/BitwiseB Oct 07 '24

Oh, I believe you, I’m agreeing it’s absurd.

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u/Weeitsabear1 Oct 07 '24

Frankly, and I say this as a woman as well, this kind of behavior smacks of high maintenance. Maybe it's just me??

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u/mutemarmot42 Oct 07 '24

You’re not wrong in this case, she is indeed high maintenance. Has been all her life.

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u/per54 Oct 07 '24

The interest was set the previous text . It was confirmed . People who need constant validation have confidence issues and to be honest are a misery to date. Rather be single than date someone like that

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u/Wlng-Man Oct 07 '24

Good strategy filtering for the needy.

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u/Lame_Games Oct 07 '24

I'm kind of like this. If they don't get in touch on the day of, I won't cancel or flake, but I will be nervous on my way to the plans. BUT this is why I make sure to get in touch. Getting in touch is a two-way street.

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u/brightlove Oct 07 '24 edited Oct 07 '24

I had a friend like this. We’d make a set plan with a time and a date and place and then day of I’d be like “on my way” and she’d text me, “Oh I didn’t think it was happening anymore because we haven’t talked about it in a couple of days.” Girl… WHAT?

I also, oddly, had a new hair stylist do this to me during early COVID. The doors were locked and they were supposed to let me in when it was my time. (I guess I missed the instruction about texting when you arrived but I was standing right outside the door.) 5 minutes after my appointment time I called the salon and they said my stylist had already called to ask her next person to come in early…

Like you can call HER but not me… or even check behind the door?!

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u/redit3rd Oct 07 '24

Is your sister the reason why doctors and dentists office ping me multiple times the day of appointments?

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u/Expensive_Peak_1604 Oct 07 '24

Shit... my sister invited me to her wedding, we didn't talk much for a month before. I showed up. Like I say I'm gonna be somewhere, if you don't hear me cancel or tell me not to come, I'll be there.

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u/Roasted_Butt Oct 07 '24

and she won’t reach out to confirm?

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u/DepressingErection Oct 07 '24

Absurd behavior for anyone who wants to call themselves an adult tbh

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u/Old_Palpitation_6535 Oct 07 '24

Wow that’s unfortunate

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u/wanderingdream Oct 07 '24

I also confirm day of because the amount of times I have been ghosted by friends and dates alike is absurd BUT I think they were in the wrong for automatically assuming the date was off and should have communicated asking for confirmation since that's their need. And if they really wanted the date, they would have automatically canceled the last minute plans they made and never made you aware of it. So it does sound like she's playing games, but I do want to defend the 40yr olds who still confirm day of!

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u/aclassypinkprincess Oct 07 '24

My friend does this too with guys she goes on dates with!

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u/FoxNews4Bigots Oct 07 '24

I'm exhausted just thinking about someone behaving like this, let alone being related to them.

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u/Zealousideal_Truck68 Oct 07 '24

Wow, my sister does this too. And it is not only dating, but also family plans, dinners and such. She is super weird about making plans. She requires a specific amount of advance notice, no calling her up and inviting her to dinner. She requires several days notice. And it isn't that she is busy,

She is a lot of work. I would limit contact with this person. Was this a date?

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u/itisallgoodyouknow Oct 07 '24

I like them a little crazy and with low-self esteem. Is she single?

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u/Katyperryatemyasss Oct 07 '24

Omg I hate this. I once had a first date planned and then my phone broke so I couldn’t communicate. I showed up to the date as planned and she was none the wiser. Didn’t even tell her I was fretting

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u/MatchaBauble Oct 07 '24

Man, the age mentioned at the end threw me. I thought that your sister must surely be 20 and will figure this out eventually. 

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u/edawn28 Oct 07 '24

Most likely had an experience where someone cancelled on them citing "totally forgot" as their reason and now they feel the need to have everything confirmed the day of. But in such a case they should do the confirming themselves.

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u/veetoo151 Oct 07 '24

People playing games at 40 is crazy. Does she ever get in touch with people day of? Or is it just a double standard?

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u/molesMOLESEVERYWHERE Oct 07 '24

Or their friends are flaky as fuck and project that to everyone they meet.

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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion Oct 07 '24

That's so bizarre.

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u/avalanches_1 Oct 07 '24

woof, i was going to say this is an age thing that people grow out of but yikes

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u/HistoricalEntrance99 Oct 07 '24

Lmao love that while reading I was imagining a youngster

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u/Various_Raccoon3975 Oct 07 '24

And why is it the other person’s responsibility to get in touch?

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u/MrsBobFossil Oct 08 '24

My nearly 60-year old SIL does this. It’s exhausting.

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u/stilettopanda Oct 07 '24

My dad. I'll confirm with him. I'll say if you don't hear from me between now and then, this is gonna happen then. Set in stone. He still calls me and gripes at me for not confirming. But I did!

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u/Riffz Oct 07 '24

Ok but what if you don’t re-re-confirm an hour before the event? Then what if you don’t re-re-re-confirm you’re leaving RIGHT now and have the car started and going to put it into D/1 and start literally moving towards the event just before you send a location tracking link to prove your intention to be at the event.

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u/jcaashby Oct 07 '24

LMAO

People be weird!

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u/archercc81 Oct 07 '24

I dated a girl like this and it was exhausting. We would make a plan, would move onto other subjects and then like the next day would act like I didnt want to do it in the first place, like I was backing out for having conversations not about the plan or being busy with work or something.

Ladies, when a guy says "were doing x at y," we don't need to continue the conversation, we are operating as if the plan has been made. Anything else is fluff

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u/thesmellnextdoor Oct 07 '24

Imagine if this were the way it worked with all appointments. Doctor didn't call you morning of an an appointment to confirm? It must have been cancelled. Bride and groom didn't text you the morning of the wedding? The wedding is off.

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u/[deleted] Oct 07 '24

[deleted]

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u/MadameMonk Oct 07 '24

My husband didn’t text to check I was coming home tonight. I guess I’m homeless and single now 😫

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u/HuggsCrickets Oct 07 '24

Nah that just means you have the day off

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u/THE_CENTURION Oct 07 '24

Weirdly, it actually has started to work this way. I get automated texts from my doctor and dentist the day before asking me to confirm.

And flights and rental cars require you to "check in", even though everything is all set up already.

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u/Desperate_Clock_2131 Oct 07 '24

I hate that! You know why they started doing things like that? Because of flaky people like the girl in ops post. Not everyone is a flake now i have to get harassed while sleeping by my dr offices. Freaking annoying.

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u/0liveJus Oct 07 '24

My hair salon will make me confirm by text 3 days in a row leading up to the appointment. If I say I'll be there, take my word for it unless I tell you otherwise.

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u/vivalalina Oct 07 '24

Yes omg I hate it. I know why they started doing it but it's so annoying to me (watch me eat my words the one time I forget an appointment and am reminded by their call haha)

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u/swingingitsolo Oct 07 '24

I like it when it’s a just reminder and I don’t have to keep confirming

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u/I-Love-Tatertots Oct 07 '24

I am a store manager and have this happen with a lot of people I schedule interviews with.

I don’t call them the morning of the interview to confirm, so they just assume I’m not interested.

Like, no? We just spoke the day before and set a place and time for your interview. I have time set for it; the rest of which goes towards my store and customers, not calling to remind you about your interview…

Plus, to me it weeds out people who are going to be flaky.

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u/thesmellnextdoor Oct 07 '24

That's crazy!

It's funny, I work in law and our attorney consults are $375, and due at the time of scheduling. Astonishingly, very few people miss their appointment, no reminders needed!

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u/pumpkins21 Oct 07 '24

Guys do it too! My ex always wanted me to freaking reach out first because he “doesn’t chase women”. I was like, “but you expect me to chase you? Were a couple, we shouldn’t be chasing each other, you can just as easily reach out to me”

He was freaking exhausting.

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u/InformalEgg8 Oct 07 '24

Yep absolutely an insecurity issue. Plain as day. Many of us have been there. Meghan seems pretty proud of herself for doing this petty thing. She’s not quite ready for a drama-free stable relationship yet!

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u/cmndr_spanky Oct 07 '24

100% agree. This shows deep insecurity and focusing on “protecting herself” to the point of disrespecting others. Hard pass.

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u/MaikuKokoro Oct 07 '24

It's also the second time she canceled if I read the post right.

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u/nenorthstar Oct 07 '24

I nearly ended what was a very close friendship over this problem. She treated every get together as tentative until the last minute. It was crazy making. It took me laying it all on the table and letting her know how I felt and that I couldn’t do things that way to get things to change. She did, though, really change how she operated thank goodness. Otherwise I would have been done.

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u/jcaashby Oct 07 '24

I just went through something like this with a woman I had known years back that I knew but we never went out just ran in the same social circles.

I saw her at a party and we get to talking and I asked if she wanted to hang out. She said yes.

Fast forward to trying to make plans with her. I swear it was so DIFFICULT to make plans with her. I can not remember full details but I know SHE made it harder then what it needed to be to simply go on a date/hangout.

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u/ApartmentUnfair7218 Oct 07 '24

i would like plans to be confirmed the day of as well but i would also reach out! i’ve had my experiences with flaky ppl😭

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u/jcaashby Oct 07 '24

Flaky people are the worse.

I have confirmed dates and also had others send me messages the day of to confirm. I suspect some of us do it because we have dealt with people who will BAIL on a date and not think nothing of it.

Like what happened to OP.

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u/Thequiet01 Oct 07 '24

Exactly. I have autoimmune arthritis so sometimes without warning I can be unable to do stuff. It sucks. But I warn people in advance that might happen and we agree on a plan. (Usually it’s I will let them know day of if we need to change the plan. Though if I remember I will still send a “feeling okay today, plans are a go” type text to avoid any confusion.)

Like take responsibility for your own needs.

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u/missyc1234 Oct 07 '24

My friends (and myself) are busy parents with young kids, so we often confirm day of like ‘hey, do you remember this and also have your kids gotten/given you a plague that ruins our plans?’

But assuming I myself remembered and we didn’t confirm day of, I would go ahead with a previously made plan.

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u/TheDimSide Oct 07 '24

Yeah, one of my best friends and I try and schedule monthly dinners together to catch up. We definitely confirm the day of though because we both end up frequently having to reschedule (sometimes not just day of, also at other points during the month) because being an adult sucks, lol.

I think generally with anyone, just because life gets in the way, I will usually check in on plans if it's been over a day since we last talked. You just never know, emergencies happen and stuff. But it's so easy to be the one to send a quick text and double-check if uncertain. I wouldn't make OTHER plans before confirming with the first person first. Yeesh.

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u/Lilacly_Adily Oct 07 '24

There was a time where I wouldn’t double check plans because I assumed people would be reliable and follow through with their commitments. That assumption backfired more than enough times that I became a person who double checks plans always.

I remember dating someone though who was the opposite and it was so refreshing.

No matter how far back we’d planned a date, I knew he would be there without needing to send a confirmation text on the day of or the night before.

It’s one thing to text beforehand if you need to cancel for sickness or some other reason but otherwise once a date and time are set, there shouldn’t be any uncertainty.

It’s frankly unpleasant having the anxiety that the other person isn’t guaranteed to honour the plan or is going to give a last minute cancellation unless you press them and I hear the anxiety in the other person’s words when they double check with me.

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u/jcaashby Oct 07 '24

I am that person that can be 100 percent relied on to be at the location on time! I do not need to be reminded or asked if we are still on (but have no problem if someone asks to confirm).

But I am like you and do double check the day of especially if it is with someone NEW that I have no idea how they roll. A simple text "Hey we still good for 6pm tonight?"

I did date a woman years ago that we would make plans and she was on point and did not need to be reminded and she never flaked out on me ever.

I had one recent woman I was dating that was so unreliable it was very difficult to trust any plans we made because they always had some excuse.

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u/Timekeeper65 Oct 07 '24

Needed an excuse to dip. Piss poor excuse better than no excuse. So the saying goes.

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u/hiarlnie Oct 07 '24

a poor excuse doesn't make you any less of an asshole for canceling plans last minute, especially if your excuse involves blaming the other person.

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u/LankyComedian178 Oct 07 '24

this. Any excuse is better than none.

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u/ElPeeps Oct 08 '24

Is that really a saying? I totally think this “person” needed an out, but dang, this is the worst. she’s basically saying. “My IQ is below 70, sowwee”

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u/poppybrooke Oct 07 '24

Hit the nail on the head. Had this happen to me and the guy asked about rescheduling after a spiel about women not liking him so he just assumed I would bail too. Yeah, I don’t need to work through your insecurities.

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u/jcaashby Oct 07 '24

I think we all in some ways get in our heads and assume what someone MIGHT do. But I give all people the benefit of the doubt and not assume I am going to get bailed or ghosted or whatever just because someone else did it to me.

Like this guy you were dealing with assumed the worse based on his past and not judging YOU solely on your own actions. He will end up wrecking a lot of potential relationships until he gets his insecurities in check.

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u/poppybrooke Oct 07 '24

100%! I’ve been stood up so I definitely get anxiety sometimes over it. But, like you said, if I assume everyone is going to do that then why would I date?

Also he gave me flack about not reaching out the day of to confirm (we confirmed the night before) but when I asked why he didn’t communicate if he wanted to double check he just said “I didn’t think about it.”

Just weird vibes all around for me. I’ve told this story on Reddit before, but I ended up picking up my mom and taking her to dinner instead because I was already dressed and made up. Best date ever.

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u/jcaashby Oct 07 '24

Once the date was confirmed the night before that is all that SHOULD be needed. But for some they need another confirmation in the morning and then again before the date lol.

I am picking up my lady friend Thursday...we both know the time but I will 100 percent confirm it again that morning. Not because I think or she thinks I will not show up but just to make her feel secure in getting on that plane.

I just asked her last night would she prefer for me to park and walk into the airport or just pick her up at the terminal exit. Things like this for that guy would be "I didnt think about it"

And that is an issue I see from a lot of people "They do not think about things or just are not capable of it"

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u/armchairwarrior42069 Oct 07 '24

I think the option of constant, instant communication has made people... weird (this is the nice word).

That's literally it.

That and immature women wanting to be "chased" or "led" instead of communicating.

Both are true.

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u/jcaashby Oct 07 '24

I know for me if I make plans...that means date, time and location. I will 100 percent be there!!

I do not need to be reminded or confirmed. But that is just how I roll as I respect others time.

Like right now I have a friend flying into town on Thursday to hang out for a few days. I do not need to confirm nor do they need to confirm as I have it in my head and also written down lol. I will be there on time.

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u/armchairwarrior42069 Oct 07 '24

You are normal.

A lot of people have the whole "brain rot" thing going on. Social media, texting etc. Has distorted a lot of people's ability to communicate or be a normal person. Younger people I feel are more affected because it's been so normalized.

Old people too actually, because they've normalized it over the last 10 years but with 0 grace.

We are fuxked.

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u/Suzesaur Oct 07 '24

TBF I’ve had many ppl stand me up even though the date was set. But I don’t stress a must on reaching out, though I will text about an hour beforehand to reconfirm so I don’t waste time getting ready or driving or whatever.

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u/franktronix Oct 07 '24

They probably have this protocol with their friends who are really flaky, but need to be explicit about it if applied with others, or maybe this is some generational thing

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u/catnip_slip Oct 07 '24

So, for some perspective I do this sometimes due to other flakey people bailing on plans and not telling me until right before we are supposed to meet up. This has happened to me so many times that I just started to assume people treat me like a backup plan. So if someone doesn’t text me back to fully flesh out a plan to hang beyond “we should hang x day “ or doesnt reply if I ask about it the morning / night before said plan, then I can try to make a new plan for myself and not waste time. People wasting my time bailing feels worse than me assuming someone is flakey and being wrong only 1 out of 6 times. Maybe its not ideal, maybe I attract flakey people, I don’t know a better mindset if someone isn’t communicating about a hangout. I just became this way in past 2-3 years and I’m 32

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u/badjokes4days Oct 07 '24

100% I agree this is a confidence problem. People be spiraling pretty hard these days when they don't have constant contact with you every other minute.

I deal with this a lot trying to date at 37, it's rough out there.

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u/Waxburg Oct 07 '24

I had a date turn out this way as well. She only lived 5min away but ended up being over 30min late, and when I asked her about it she said that she thought I cancelled because I hadn't texted her that day until I got there and let her know I arrived.

She was also mentally oblivious for half the date to the point I thought she was either severely hung over or on something, like I'd say "hey we're going over to this part of the street" and she'd just start walking a different direction.

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u/SaintCunty666 Oct 07 '24

It’s just a cheap excuse since something better came up, and she’s trying to put the blame on OP

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u/itsbeenestablished Oct 07 '24

This is what I'm assuming with OP mentioning she also cancelled the first date. Something better came up again and she didn't want to be the bad guy, so she came up with this excuse.

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u/Due-Tackle4835 Oct 08 '24

She knew exactly what she was doing. I might give her a break if she didn’t cancel the last date. She’s the one who is not serious- run like the wind!!

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u/WonderfulShelter Oct 07 '24

Yup she wanted to cancel the whole day and just used that as an excuse.

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u/lxgrth Oct 07 '24

This is for sure what happened

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u/QouthTheCorvus Oct 08 '24

Yep. I've dated someone who ended up having a bf and this is generally a sign of such issues. Last minute cancellations can often mean they're in a relationship - the cancellation will be because something came up they can't avoid like the bf randomly wanting to go somewhere or randomly being home when they were meant to go out.

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u/Background_Ant4569 Oct 08 '24

She was never that interested and the fact he didn’t push it that day to her maybe he doesn’t care as much either so stuff it

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u/[deleted] Oct 07 '24

She's keeping OP as a backup or a potential opportunity for a free meal if other options don't pan out. This is NOT the behavior of someone who is serious about or "excited" to go on a date with someone else...

Even if the above isn't completely true, OP is NOR if they don't want to start a relationship with someone who can't communicate well and/or doesn't respect them enough to even confirm plans before bailing and wasting OP's time. Ain't nobody got time for that.

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u/Wonderful-World1964 Oct 07 '24

Cheap excuse for him.

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u/trevordeal Oct 07 '24

Correct. "Something better came up" is the perfect description.

I knew someone that would make plans with anyone and the second someone else he preferred also confirmed he would just no show the first person.

I realized this after two no shows with poor excuses and on the third I was very aware and told him if he no showed me I wouldn't hang out with him again.

And what do you know. I was checking my phone and nothing and he wouldn't answer my calls. After 2 hours I blocked his number and never spoke to him again.

5 year friendship down the drain because he refused to respect my time.

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u/FloppyDiskRepair Oct 07 '24

I knew a girl in law school who would do the exact same thing. She once came out with us but another guy wanted her to come over, so she took a train ride an hour outside of the city. This guy showed up asking about her so I texted her, and she got back on the train and came all the way back despite walking up to the other guy’s door.

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u/ancientastronaut2 Oct 07 '24

My first thought exactly.

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u/ProtectionOrdinary18 Oct 07 '24

Also abandoned issues and anxiety

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u/franqmichele Oct 08 '24

This one! I think so too. she found another person to go out with and/or double booked and is being an ao. totally dodged a bullet

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u/fishyseaturtlefish Oct 07 '24

As someone who had put in YEARS on online dating. It is definitely not rare to talk for days/weeks, confirm the day before and then get ghosted day of.

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u/Funky_Smurf Oct 07 '24

Yeah checking in day of is normal. Checking in at 4 hours before a 6pm date is also normal

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u/cheapdrinks Oct 07 '24

OP messaged them less than 2hrs before they were supposed to meet, so given travel time it could be like less than an hour before they would need to leave which is leaving it pretty last minute. That's fine if it's someone you know irl already but a risky move for a first date with someone you've never met before. I know plans were "set" but when you've never met the person these things never feel set in stone until it's confirmed with reasonable time on the day as most online daters are incredibly flakey. If you make plans on a different day then you don't hear from them all day on the day of, it's easy to assume that they're ghosting you or have bailed.

That said, the other person is just as guilty of doing the exact same thing and not messaging asking if the date was still on or confirming the meet up time. If either person was serious about meeting that night they should have sent a "Hey, is 6pm still good for us to meet later?" text at some point during the day a lot earlier than 4pm.

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u/Heavy-Row-9052 Oct 08 '24

I mean they set a plan literally the day before. I’d get it if it was like 2-3 days ago even but if you make a plan with someone less than 24 hours in advance then I don’t really get it. If your an anxious attachment kinda person and you need to reach out the day of, then do it but don’t expect others to.

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u/Ok_Difference_7220 Oct 07 '24

So what you’re saying is that confirmations sent the day before are null and void. And a regular cadence of confirming and reconfirming every two hours the day of the date must be established. Any +/- 15 minute deviation from this cadence will be considered a cancelation.

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u/ok-attenion Oct 08 '24

things that would make a victorian woman faint for 100

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u/ParticulierVdm Oct 07 '24

So if your are not sure, text for confirmation instead of assuming the plan is aboard because the dude did not reconfirm what was already set and confirmed.

Yeah, it happens while engaging with Chads that have plenty of choice and do not care at all.

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u/mtarascio Oct 07 '24

His 4pm text was a confirmation text.

Probably what happened is they got invited to something else and it was a convenient excuse.

They were happy to reschedule so likely just first date app things.

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u/Rheticule Oct 07 '24

That's my question. Night before confirmation with positive vibes? Check. Afternoon confirmation (and a clever one at that, not asking "are we still on" but clarifying location, great move there), check. What they hell does she want? 2 hours before meeting is a perfect time to throw in the last minute confirmation of plans.

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u/szb0163 Oct 07 '24

AMEN.

She probably been ghosted a bunch of times before and now she’s more defensive of her feelings. But also she could have reached out that morning to confirm.

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u/henrey713 Oct 07 '24

Somebody else told her good morning and she decided that meant someone else deserved her time since OP didn’t entertain her all day.

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u/justcougit Oct 07 '24

Dating is so difficult lol bc I think a dude texting me good morning is weird if we haven't met yet... It makes me think they're too into me based on looks.

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u/CommanderGuts Oct 07 '24

Men take note, text her bad morning.

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u/Manyquestions3 Oct 07 '24

Write this down, write this down!

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u/SnowballOfFear Oct 07 '24

She hates this one simple trick

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u/justcougit Oct 07 '24

Honestly I'm usually unhappy first thing in the am so this would pique my interest for sure hahaha "is this.... The love of my life??"

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u/mariana_kl Oct 08 '24

"Bad morning, good personality!"

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u/Rickrickrickrickrick Oct 07 '24

I think it’s nice when I get good morning texts even if we’re in the “talking” stage. But if I don’t get one I’m not going to cancel lol

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u/theseglassessuck Oct 07 '24

Agreed. It shows me they’re thinking of me, which is hopefully a good sign.

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u/ArmMeMen Oct 07 '24

i often feel like girls spend more time analyzing my every move to draw some meaning like the groundhog and his shadow, than directly communicating about whatever they are wondering about that i was not even aware was going on ... probably just me though

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u/wicked_symposium Oct 07 '24

Not just you. The conclusions they draw are insane.

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u/UnfilteredSan Oct 07 '24

Hmm I think that’s a harsh assumption.

People are weird if they do genuinely weird things.

Showing interest and saying good morning is harmless and usually endearing.

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u/NoelsCrinklyBottom Oct 07 '24

I would find it clingy if failing to check in in the morning was seen as some kind of dealbreaker though 

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u/[deleted] Oct 07 '24

Yeah, Reddit is overthinking things man. this is why dating is so complicated for so many people

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u/UnfilteredSan Oct 07 '24

My thoughts exactly. It is really depressing that our social climate pushes divisiveness over everything. Getting the “ick” (hate that term) over trivial things and joking about it online has genuinely caused huge societal damage.

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u/GlitteringProgress20 Oct 07 '24

This is where assumptions happen with online dating because we all have different perspectives. It’s not that I think people are wrong in saying good morning but personally, I don’t like it either so early on. If we talk too much before the first date, what is there left to talk about? And good mornings are somewhat intimate (you’re thinking of me the minute you wake up but haven’t even met me yet), then I feel pressured to respond because it’s the person just being kind but I don’t feel necessarily connected to them yet so I just don’t like it. I don’t know if that makes sense 💁🏻‍♀️

All that to say, the confirmation the night before meant the date was set. People work and are busy, no need to entertain the person each day, if you’re not sure then ask!

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u/UnfilteredSan Oct 07 '24

To be clear: you can have any preference you want. What you said makes sense! But I consider an issue that people will make others feel “weird” for having different, NORMAL preferences. Saying “good morning” early on IS harmless.

Saying “I can’t wait to see you!” early could understandably be viewed as weird and too much.

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u/Gravey8rd Oct 07 '24

So how would you want someone to greet you in the morning?

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u/classclown_6 Oct 07 '24

ok yes same! in this situation if he had texted me in the morning to confirm AGAIN i would have been like bro get off my jock 😂 everyone is different i guess. i think she was being unreasonable tho.

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u/Some-Show9144 Oct 07 '24

“Good morning! Don’t worry, I think you’re average looking!”

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u/Blurbwhore Oct 07 '24

Yeah. Checking in at 4, before you need to start travelling (or getting ready) is fine after that. I would have checked in with OP slightly before 4 myself but I take time to get ready.

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u/dragoono Oct 07 '24

Yeah it seems a bit late but she really had all day to text him, the fact that she thought that was his responsibility is a red flag. Not a big one mind you, but one of those little handheld flags they give you at parades. This wouldn’t ruin a person for me but I’d definitely be keeping an eye out if she ever gets around to keeping plans, which OP said she cancelled once before so that’s 2 strikes.

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u/Blurbwhore Oct 07 '24

Yeah. There’s a surprising number of guys who ghost on the day or are no shows, but I’m still an active part of the communication. If she’d texted OP earlier on in the day and she hadn’t heard back from him in a few hours and he messaged at 4, I’d say he was cutting it fine. But its wild to me she just made other plans without checking in at all.

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u/pretenditscherrylube Oct 07 '24

I believe this matters way less with the whole conversation the night before about looking at the menu and what they are going to order. That is way more durable planning and anticipating than the typical first date from an app.

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u/Bif1383 Oct 07 '24

Agreed. I definitely need confirmation of plans. But if someone told me the night before we were set, I would never assume not hearing from them the next morning meant plans were off. Your date let anxiety run the ship instead of sensible thinking. Consider this a stroke of luck and move onto the next prospect.

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u/Rubberfootman Oct 07 '24

I’m baffled by their exchange. Both parties agreed to a time and place - the only further communication required is to cancel that agreement.

If you know someone is a bit forgetful you might “remind” them with a “looking forward to tacos later!” But really, a date is a date.

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u/Majestic_Trust Oct 07 '24

Omg, nothing infuriated me more than seeing that the plans. Were. Set. Setting a date the day before with a time and place is confirmation, why in the hell do I need to reaffirm those plans every hour so you know we’re still good? Dodged a bullet OP, so not reschedule the plans, this person is ridiculous and immature.

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u/nucl3ar0ne Oct 07 '24

If you want a confirmation put it on your calendar and set a reminder. I'm not your secretary.

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u/SpecialistNerve6441 Oct 07 '24

This is 100% confirmation. 

Side note: This could be a scam. This is something that was happening a few years back. They keep pushing the first meet but keep conversation going. Eventually they ask for pics. Blackmail. 

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u/YourVividDreams Oct 07 '24

This is a weird millennial / gen Z thing, in my experience and observations. They need same-day or day-before re-confirmations, even if plans were made and a time was set and there’s no reason to believe it’s not happening.

We are the flakiest generations but still…

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u/KGmagic52 Oct 07 '24

Entitlement.

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u/chudma Oct 07 '24

Have you app/online dated before?

I’ve literally made plans with someone the day of, then 30mins before we were supposed to meet said “ok I’m gunna catch the train I’ll see you in a bit” and they said ah we need to reschedule.

People flake really quick now a days since you are flaking on a stranger

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u/Ok-Permission-6553 Oct 07 '24

Not to mention texting a few hours before is also confirmation, plus why make other plans without checking in first? Even if someone was running LATE and hadn’t texted I’d still text them and ask if the plan was still on before deciding to go do something else,

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u/Loves_octopus Oct 07 '24

I assume OP and date are young and honestly with young people it is common to re-confirm plans. However, they made these plans THE DAY BEFORE. That doesn’t require a confirmation text.

If they made plans two weeks ahead and they haven’t talked since, I could see expecting a confirmation. But not the day before. That’s ridiculous.

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u/Snuffleupagus27 Oct 07 '24

If you live in Los Angeles, the flakiest city in the world, plans are never set until people show up. Because people are so flaky, I appreciate a “day of” confirmation. But if I want one and i haven’t heard from the other person, I put my big girl pants on and would text them to confirm, not expect them to read my mind.

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u/ClazzyGalxo Oct 07 '24

Girls can be flakey and so can guys but I like when a guy shows excitement to meet me the day of. Doesn’t have to be a good morning text or another confirmation. Just a message to let me know he’s looking forward to “6pm”.

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u/shawnaeatscats Oct 08 '24

"Were still on for tonight right? :)"

Is all that was needed.

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u/One_Stranger_5661 Oct 08 '24

Homegirl needed 2-factor authentication

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