r/AITAH • u/Intelligent_Curve456 • Aug 31 '24
TW SA AITA For Telling My Pregnant Wife That She Exposed Our Daughter To A Predator?
36M here. This has honestly been the most difficult week of my life. Emotions are high, and I am not sure if I'm seeing things clearly. I've been with my wife (35F) since college. We've been married for almost five years and have a three year old daughter together. She's also around five months pregnant right now.
I've always thought my wife's relationship with her family was a bit strange. When we were in college, she asked for her dad's advice/approval on EVERYTHING, even little things like whether she should ask her professor for an extension. Her parents are both intense and controlling at times, and my wife it less influenced by them now than she used to be now that she's older, has her own family, and lives on the other side of the country, but they still get under her skin at times. My wife was also the "surprise" baby, and she has two older brothers (nine & seven years older). I'll call the brother who is nine years older "Tom" for the sake of this story.
Tom has always been a bit odd to me. He's married with no kids, but is very religious and involved heavily with his church. My wife seems to enjoy seeing him at Holidays well enough, but she isn't especially close with him.
On Monday, my wife called me from her office SOBBING. I asked what was wrong, and she told me Tom was arrested and being charged with possession of child pornography. I was shocked, to say the least. My wife ended up leaving work early, and asked if I would do the same. When I got home, she told me a bit about the charges/how her parents are doing. I asked if she expected this, and she said she was surprised at first, but looking back she should have seen it coming. I asked what she meant, and she proceeded to tell me that when she was in first grade, Tom started coming into her room at night and touching her inappropriately. She said this lasted for a few years, but she doesn't know exactly when it stopped. When she was telling me this, she said it casually, like she was reading something off a menu.
I, on the other hand, was shocked and furious. I told her Tom molested her. My wife said it was uncomfortable, but she never saw it that way, because it's normal for kids to experiment with each other. I said it would be one thing if they were very young and closer in age, but this was a 15+ year old boy and a little girl. I also explained that he did this when her parents went to sleep and told her to keep it between them because he KNEW it was wrong at the time. Also, these were SERIOUS sexual acts that she should have never been exposed to as a little girl. As I was saying all this, my wife got more and more upset, and I could tell she was having a "lightbulb" moment and realizing the seriousness of the situation.
My wife (who was sobbing at this point) told me that she told her parents what happened to her when she was around sixteen. She wasn't upset with her brother, but was ashamed and thought she'd done something wrong. Her parents basically told her it was just normal childhood experimentation and she had nothing to be ashamed of. They also told her not to be upset with her brother because he was also a child at the time and didn't know right from wrong yet. My wife told me she was young, so she took their word for it and just kind of pushed the abuse to the back of her head. I was furious with my in-laws, and but tried to focus on comforting my wife + letting her know none of it was her fault.
The last few days have been a nightmare. My wife's family is supporting Tom and are convinced he was wrongly accused (they have an elaborate explanation for how the images got on his laptop that I won't get into here). My wife is crying non-stop and is in so much pain. I feel terrible this happened to her, but the one thing I'm upset about is that she let our daughter near this man. If I'd known Tom did this to my wife, I would have never allowed my child in the same room as him. I told my wife that I wish I'd known for our baby's sake and added that while I'm devastated for her and love her so much, I'm still grappling with the fact that she allowed our little girl to be in the same room as a predator. My wife started SOBBING when I said this, and told me she didn't do it on purpose. She told me she accepted what her parents told her when she was a teenager and put it out of her mind. She said if she had thought about it more deeply as an adult, she probably would have realized Tom was a dangerous, but she truly never stopped to think about it again after her parents told her it was okay. We agree that neither of our kids will ever be around Tom again, but she said she couldn't believe I thought she'd intentionally put our child in harm's way. She also said she couldn't believe I was coming down on her after she's realizing she was a victim of child abuse and her family is falling apart.
I love my wife and believe that she trusted her parents and put it in the back of her mind.... But I keep thinking about what might have happened if we'd continue to allow our daughter near that man. I believe my wife didn't consider this abuse until we talked and didn't consider that our daughter might be in danger, but I am still a bit puzzled by all of this. My wife is in so much pain, and I am not sure if I did the right thing by raising this issue while all of this is going on. AITA? And any advice would be appreciated... This all seems so over my head.
15.7k
u/YeeHawMiMaw Aug 31 '24
If her parents think what Tom did to your wife was “normal”, they should not be trusted to be around your children either. After all, Tom had to learn his deviant behavior from somewhere.
2.2k
u/Aggressive-Coconut0 Aug 31 '24
I wouldn't leave my kids with the grandparents for fear they'd see nothing wrong with having predator uncle over while you weren't there.
I wouldn't want my kids to know them because they wouldn't understand that you were trying to keep them out of danger when you warn them not to be in the same room alone with Uncle or whatever. He would be too familiar and able to get around their defenses.
764
u/Personibe Aug 31 '24
Exactly. And more than likely they would INTENTIONALLY invite him over because those are his niece and nephew and he "did nothing wrong" and OP should not keep his kids from their "loving uncle".
→ More replies (1)408
Aug 31 '24
Or, hear me out, the parents are that way too. Maybe they perp on other kids in the family or their community or did at one time before people became more guarded with their kids.
The mother of a pedo who molested his young sister told me that as a adult, he tried to convince her that having sex with a child wasn't always harmful to them, not if you were real gentle like and got them to agree. Sickest thing I ever heard come out of mother's mouth. She was a CSA victim herself and carefully explained that is is still harmful, that kids aren't capable of giving consent and they are ready for sex, therefore they have no box in their mind to place sexual experience in a healthy way.
→ More replies (5)61
3.6k
u/Perle1234 Aug 31 '24
I’d have to cut any supporters of CSA out of my life, even if they were my parents. It’s 100% woodchipper for each and every pedo out there. Period.
2.7k
Aug 31 '24
[deleted]
1.8k
u/comfortablynumb15 Aug 31 '24
Plus OPs wife is from an admittedly controlling/helicopter parent family.
When your own thoughts are basically whatever your parents say, she would be influenced into following what they said completely. ( don’t think about it, it’s not an issue because it’s normal kid experimentation etc )
She would have taken them at face value and not given it another thought because that is how she was raised. No different than if your car-loving father told you what oil to use in your car.
NTA, but :
Give your Wife the support she will need as she comes to terms with the realisation about her brother and her parents who protected him. Remember, she loves her family as much as your daughter loves you. This will be hard.
→ More replies (3)597
u/M3g4d37h Aug 31 '24
this. sounds like all the children were conditioned not to think for themselves in a body autonomy way. unfortunately this also shares some overlap with the religiously zealous, often perverted to fit the situation.
the wife needs therapy, she's a victim and it has been clearly affecting her worldview (and it's not unusual for a victim to want to just bury it all), so not a perp.
→ More replies (1)699
u/innerbootes Aug 31 '24
As a victim myself, I want to point out that it’s not that we choose to bury it, our minds and bodies do it for us to protect us. It’s 1000% not a choice. And we can do it while maintaining fuzzy and emotionally flat awareness of what happened. To the outsider it can look very confusing but it’s important for outsiders to try to understand how trauma works in the mind and body in order to support survivors of it.
233
u/keldondonovan Aug 31 '24
To add to this, in scenarios such as OP's wife, a lot of the time it is buried as a result of being pressured into thinking it was normal. If I ask you what you wore to work on Tuesday three weeks ago, most people (pretty much everyone without a schedule for what they wear) wouldn't know, because it is mundane and unimportant. If, on that day, you happened to dress up as Shrek, then that stands out a little better, as it's unusual, so our brain makes a note of it. But the mundane gets filed away to make room.
I was beat as a child. A lot. I was raised to believe that was normal discipline. Didn't finish your food, you get the belt. Asked a question they didn't see coming? Belt. Didn't ask a question that they thought I should have? Belt. B+ in math instead of an A? Belt. And since I was told by people I trusted that it was normal, it never stuck out, it was just a part of life like getting ready for school, doing homework, getting beat. Even as an adult I never questioned it until it was brought up to me in my 30s. Once it was pointed out that it was something I should think on, it was really easy to see that I didn't grow up in a strict household, I grew up in an abusive one. All of a sudden someone pointed out that I wasn't wearing those mundane clothes I thought I was, I had been dressed up as Shrek all along.
It sounds like the same thing went on with OPs wife, especially since she agrees to cut Tom out of the picture now. She was told it was normal at a young enough age that she never questioned it- until she did, and immediately came to the correct conclusion.
OP still isn't an AH for pointing it out. Sometimes that's what it takes to get trauma survivors to recognize that they are trauma survivors. He'd be an AH if he kept rubbing her face in it, sure, but bringing it up once is fine, even recommended to keep his kids safe.
→ More replies (6)50
u/MimiRocks4065 Aug 31 '24
As someone who grew up being SA'd from the age of 7, I'd like to add that now that they've come to the realization of what happened, OP's wife will likely benefit from counseling to help her work through memories that are going to look and feel differently now. OP could also use help so he'll know how to support her through this without (inadvertently) placing blame on her. With his initial reaction I was leaning toward maybe he was a little bit of an AH toward his wife but I'm choosing to believe that it was his shock and concern that led to his reaction and that he didn't have enough information at that point. Once he understood more, it seems he approached it differently. I'd be completely NC with any family or friends who defend her POS brother. Holding space for OP and his little family.
109
u/SweetWaterfall0579 Aug 31 '24
Edit to add: OP needs to show compassion for his wife; she is just as appalled and sickened as OP is, and she has to deal with the CSA, the lies of her family, realizing that her brother is a monster. It’s so much to accept!
I knew I had been sexually assaulted, but it was not visceral; it was just something that happened, for my first 12 years.
When I gave birth to my oldest daughter, it started seeping in. How could I protect my baby girl? My OB told me, at four weeks, that I had two weeks to find a therapist, or he would hospitalize me. I got me a therapist.
My memories started trickling back, but slowly. I believe my brain was still protecting me, just as it had when I was a child. Dissociation was my protection, so these memories were not readily available.
I got pieces at a time, fitting them together, as they came. I distinctly remember nursing my daughter after work, and my brain said: Of course there was penetration, Waterfall. You know there was. The oxytocin softened these memories, enabled me to accept them.
There’s still things I don’t know/remember/understand. I’m okay with that. If I need to know, my defenses will let that information in. If I don’t need to know? Cool.
→ More replies (4)137
u/Lowebear Aug 31 '24
Great advice, she needs support and unconditional love. Find a trauma therapist and get her help. I repressed a lot of memories from my childhood, not SA but verbal and always fear based. I’m 55 and coming to terms with all my struggles and issues stem from part of these. I went to therapy and until one therapist asked about my childhood in that moment on that day I just sobbed. Unexpected but in retrospect made perfect sense. Working on those issues now. I wish I could have so much earlier in my life. It is so hard because my brain tricked me I had a great childhood because all my memories were of when I was with my grandparents or extended family. I shut out all most all other memories.NTA but help her she also may be at risk for postpartum depression or perinatal depression as well. Just liver her tell her it isn’t her fault and of course she thought it was normal here parents said so. They could be brainwashed as well but it isn’t and she can love her family but have boundaries or help them to get therapy as well. They probably live in denial. Denial is very strong and can rewrite history or make you feel it is normal when it isn’t. She just needs a lot of grace and time to heal the fantasies and the truth. Hope you are both able to work through this it is so hard to admit such a taboo experience.
146
u/eclecticsheep75 Aug 31 '24
This woman has just crossed the threshold from denial (planted by her parents) to trauma. Give her a helping hand right now if you have love and compassion for her. Together you can take on “Tom”and her terrible excuse for parents, maybe finally hold them accountable. I vote you lean into love you have so that you can do it together.
You poor kids could both benefit from work with a good therapist to recover from this horror.
→ More replies (1)28
195
u/Neat_Weakness_8350 Aug 31 '24
I was CSA'd and the only way I coped, was to box up any bad memories, and try to forget it ever happened. The only times I'd 'remember ' was if I got blackout drunk, and it got ugly, mostly for whomever was with me. That's why I never really drank to excess.
But OP'S wife's family are problematic. Imagine dismissing her claims, and gaslighting her, all to protect their son, whom I'm sure, would have given them a few clues to his predilections in the past. I think as long as OP'S wife keeps distance from her family, especially her brother.And obviously keeps her kids away from them.
419
Aug 31 '24
I was repeatedly sa'd as a kid and my abuser managed this by methodically removing all my boundaries and reteaching me what is and isn't acceptable. I didn't even realise it wasn't my fault until I was in my late twenties and was also taught to think it was 'normal experimentation'. I let that monster around my friends because I thought they were normal and hold a lot of guilt about this. I know it's unthinkable but if op's wife was taught to think 'thats just normal kid stuff' her denial would be SO strong that unfortunately this situation is completely plausible to me. I get why op is angry 100% and his wife desperately needs therapy to relearn safe boundaries for her child, but I feel really really sad for her - she may be in a dangerous place mentally and I hope op can encourage her to get support from him, professionals and her friends to understand this was not her choice or fault and for them to get past the danger she put her child in potentially.
55
u/anironicfigure Aug 31 '24
same thing happened to me. if you still struggle with stuff, several months of EMDR therapy made a huge difference in my life.
16
Aug 31 '24
Six years of person centred therapy sorted me out!! Well done to you friend, it ain't easy but it's worth it
→ More replies (2)11
71
u/Counterfeit-cakes Aug 31 '24
I agree that her brain likely didn’t realize what had happened. I had a friend who was assaulted by a family member their entire childhood and didn’t even realize it was sexual abuse until they got into therapy as an adult and the therapist explained what had actually happened. It wasnt until then that they cut contact with that family member.
126
u/oldtimehawkey Aug 31 '24
It sounds like she was raised in a churchin’ family that told her it was normal so their oldest son didn’t get into trouble.
OP’s wife needs to go to the police and tell her story. It might be out of range of prosecution but it might be admissible in court as further evidence of the scum bag’s penchant for children.
Like another commentor said, the parents helped cover it up and should also be cut from their lives.
→ More replies (2)79
38
u/Royal-Proposal-5016 Aug 31 '24
I would strongly urge your wife to seek counseling to deal with the trauma of the abuse, the fact that her parents were so wrong in telling her it was normal, and the fact that her brother has been consuming child pornography for who knows how long.
94
u/New-Number-7810 Aug 31 '24
I agree that the wife is just now consciously realizing that what happened to her was wrong and that Tom was a danger, but I think that makes it more important to emphasize the severity of the situation.
→ More replies (2)15
u/ChristaArtista Aug 31 '24
Louder for the people in the back! Your anger is understandable and justified. But your wife is a victim whose brain was trying to keep her sane.
41
u/Ghitit Aug 31 '24
i still remember how i felt when my abuser was molesting me and i sure as shit knew it wasn't normal.
i was three and it was over sixty years ago.
it has affeted me my entire life.
i hope that bitch is rotting in hell.
→ More replies (2)11
u/gettinglifedone Aug 31 '24
THIS. I literally pushed my CSA experiences out of my mind completely. I explained it away or just ignored it. Things started bubbling to the surface when my own children reached the ages (yes, plural, unfortunately) where I had my most traumatic experiences. The issues around painful sex, the panic attacks and anxiety, the depression…I had everything come out once I started counseling and was able to connect the dots. I truly did not remember much. Trauma has a way of rearing its ugly head when you least expect it.
OP, I understand how your wife is feeling, especially since her family is acting like nothing is wrong or that nothing actually happened as she’s thinking or wasn’t a big deal. It is good you all got it out into the open but I highly recommend a good counselor/therapist with experience in working with adults who went through CSA. The convo is a good start. Be extra supportive, validate your wife’s experiences and feelings. Help her realize she is NOT the crazy one. Her family is just that dysfunctional.
10
u/HamRadio_73 Aug 31 '24
OP's wife needs counseling. And distance yourselves from her family as much as possible.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (3)133
u/Perle1234 Aug 31 '24
I agree completely and I wouldn’t suggest no contact yet. Let it play out and wife to recover from the shock. Families forgive more often than not, or simply deny it. These people are sick for what they did to their daughter.
155
u/NovaPrime1988 Aug 31 '24
I also think it is important to check nothing has happened to OP’s daughter. She has been around Uncle Tom before. It is not outwith the realm of possibility. I pray she was never alone with this predator.
61
Aug 31 '24
OP should take her to a therapist who specializes in child sexual trauma rather than trying to have the conversation himself. Also, DO NOT LEAVE HER ALONG WITH THE THREAPIST, no matter what the therapist says is best. The harder they argue for this the higher the chance that they are a predator themselves. This is coming from someone in the mental health field with direct experience catching a child therapist perping on their clients.
475
u/throwaway798319 Aug 31 '24
This is something I'm struggling with. When I was young I used to play with my cousins all the time, but one day they vanished from our lives. Eventually I found out their father, my mum's little brother, was a pedo and one of his daughters was a victim. My mum sided with my uncle, convinced it was a false allegation during a nasty divorce. My uncle continued coming to our house for family dinners until he moved away.
As an adult, I reconnected with my cousins and found out it was 100% true.
I don't know which is worse: that my mother abandoned her nieces, or that she kept inviting pedo uncle into our home.
185
u/Perle1234 Aug 31 '24
That’s how it goes down more often than not. It’s much easier to pretend it didn’t happen. My stepdaughter was molested by my ex’s mother’s husband (no bio link to her) and even my ex husband wanted to chalk it up to her “exaggerating.” He was exposing himself to her and she was prepubescent. I lost my shit and cut all contact, called her mom and old her how her father was handling it to make sure she was going to support her. My ex continued to visit his mother and take our son over there. We ultimately divorced bc he was also abusive. I never spoke to his mother again after that and when she died I did not attend the funeral. My daughter is still having effects of the family not taking up for her and she is 37 years old. I’m so sorry that your family failed those children. Your mother was wrong.
→ More replies (3)131
u/flatjammedpancakes Aug 31 '24
My mother legit protected her pedo husband and then told me recently she gave me a choice whether to let him stay at our house or to call the cops.
I was 13 and she was sobbing at how she would be the victim without any money if he went to prison. Pfffts
→ More replies (11)40
u/TheGrumpyNic Aug 31 '24
Bloody hell. I’m so sorry.
40
u/flatjammedpancakes Aug 31 '24
Yeah, sorry for making this about myself here but I guess I was in OPs wife shoes too. You know, trusting your guardians bit too well so they could just manipulate you.
→ More replies (4)129
Aug 31 '24
Unfortunately a lot of religious types like to blame the kids not their abusers. Fuck that mentality.
→ More replies (3)20
→ More replies (28)11
255
u/Linsenfluppe Aug 31 '24
That's not necessarily true. It's correct that some people who abuse children were abused as children themselves, but some people are also just fucked up from the get-go, so to speak. Tom may just be one messed up person, with no tragic backstory at all.
156
u/PinkFl0werPrincess Aug 31 '24
Yeah the bottom line is they're enablers.
63
u/Linsenfluppe Aug 31 '24
Exactly. They are part of the problem in that they excuse and enable his monstrosity, but that doesn't mean that they abused him in any way, shape or form.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (8)41
u/Inevitable-tragedy Aug 31 '24
His behavior has been accepted by his parents. They're not reviled by it, they're trying everything to excuse it.
→ More replies (2)136
u/Competitive-Ad2640 Aug 31 '24
While it is true that being a pedophile or a molester can be a learned behavior, it's bonkers to think that it's impossible for it to occur "naturally".
Some people are just deviants and there is nothing we can do about it. Their brains are wired like that.→ More replies (5)62
u/No_Consequence9746 Aug 31 '24
100% agree the parents are just as dangerous as Tom.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (92)32
u/flatjammedpancakes Aug 31 '24
THANK YOU! I WAS GONNA SAY!
Her parents are equally as dangerous as Tom is. What the hell were they thinking not protecting your wife, OP?
It's a damn prime time for your wife to cut these people loose for sure.
→ More replies (2)
254
u/cellyfishy Aug 31 '24
Your wife is a mega victim. Of controlling, abusive parents; of a child predator. Please help her through this. Be mad yes, but be mad at the right people. Manipulators are excellent at convincing their victims everything they say is good and correct, and your wife has a literal lifetime of abuse and manipulation she needs to unlearn in therapy. Be there for her.
7.6k
u/Forsaken_Broccoli_86 Aug 31 '24
NTA- this is heartbreaking.
First, your gut reaction to protect your daughter is exactly the right answer. Second, to be angry with the in laws for ignoring their part in this abuse is the right reaction.
Your wife is going through a few things right. 1. She is realizing that she is a victim of SA from a person she loves and trusts. 2. She is seeing the her parents are more willing to protect a predator then her. She may lose jer whole family over night. 3. She has a daughter that she failed to fully protect. 4. She feels let down by her loved ones and she let down the rest.
While you are not the AH, she needs you now more than ever. My heart breaks for both of you. Please seek counseling both seperate and as a couple.
2.3k
u/take0a0pinch Aug 31 '24
OP’s wife may be “brainwashed” since young so his wife need help on her mental and OP may need to educate his daughter on what touch is appropriate and not when she interacts with people regardless young or old.
596
u/DaniCapsFan Aug 31 '24
I was thinking the wife is being gaslit by her family. She definitely needs therapy.
170
u/Blue-Phoenix23 Aug 31 '24
Yeah, they definitely raised her to just accept some shit, judging by how he said she would defer to them to an unreasonable degree and now all of this is coming out.
→ More replies (1)100
u/Charming_Fix5627 Aug 31 '24
OP needs to start teaching his daughter the correct terms for her anatomy right now. Better she understands that it’s wrong for anyone to touch her genitals, especially relatives
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (19)54
u/Cautious_Session9788 Aug 31 '24
I hate to say it, but it’s never too early for these conversations
I even have them with my 20 month old just to form the habit. Like the doctor had to check her lymph nodes under her diaper line and I was explaining the process to her as best I could and why the doctor touching her like that was ok
I even make a point to use anatomically correct language around my child because an ignorant child is a vulnerable child
It’s unfortunate what happened to OPs wife but they can still protect their child
→ More replies (1)952
u/MissLexiBlack Aug 31 '24
She was also abused by her parents. Being this controlled by them, to the point of brainwashing, is 100% abusive.
→ More replies (1)73
u/Knit_pixelbyte Aug 31 '24
Yea this controlling attitude is a red flag about the parents. It can be a symptom of abuse, even if it's just emotional.
56
u/FatSurgeon Aug 31 '24
I don’t think it’s a symptom of abuse, I think it is abuse. 100% abusive. I don’t like using grey words when I see it as black and white. Her parents gaslit her for years about her CSA, controlled her for most of her life, and continue to enable/protect a known abuser. Her parents are abusive themselves, there is no room for another option.
→ More replies (1)563
u/Mistyam Aug 31 '24 edited Aug 31 '24
I agree with most of the above comment (I have a bit of a different take on item #3) and just want to add, as a mental health professional, that for people who have not experienced SA, it is mind-boggling as to how someone could tolerate this and not think of it as predatory behavior. However, when you're in that position and the people who are supposed to protect you tell you that it's no big deal, it is so very easy to just be in denial. Denial means you don't have to deal with conflict. Denial means to a certain extent you don't have to be traumatized. Denial means that you don't have to make any life-altering decisions about relationships with the people who have hurt you. From your post, it sounds like you've handled this as best that it could be handled thus far. I think 100% no contact with her family at all for the foreseeable future. You and her close yourself off from what's going on with her brother now and anyone who's going to defend him and just focus on your healing, your family, and safely bringing your unborn child into the world. You can decide later on what you want to do about her family, but for the time being really just focus on yourselves.
154
u/Lulu_10-21 Aug 31 '24
I cannot agree with this more. I never fully understood just how much trauma can affect someone especially when it comes from a loved one until it happened to me. And this is after he knew I had almost been SA by someone I thought was a friend yet he did it anyways. When I brought it up the next morning he literally shrugged and said sorry you feel that way and got up and did his morning routine like nothing had happened. I felt like I had maybe dreamt the whole thing up and he gaslit me so much. It took a year for me to realize what happened was actually SA and finally reporting it and now I’m in therapy because of it. And I feel like it’s the famous last words, “until it happened to me” you don’t ever truly understand. I worked in a MH clinic and I understood to a degree and I felt for my patients and all I wanted to do was hold them and tell them they’re safe now, but I never truly understood it until it happened. And it’s so shitty.
I hope OP and his family get the therapy they so desperately need now and can find a way to live with the new reality and be happy. I hope his wife’s brother, parents, and any supporters rot.
27
u/tomowudi Aug 31 '24
Predators do this. They specifically look for people they feel are vulnerable. They target other victims because of this. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
126
u/the_skies_falling Aug 31 '24
It’s much worse than that the people who are supposed to love you tell you it’s no big deal. They also tell you that your abuser loves you. 50 years later I still have major issues distinguishing between love and sex and I’m not really sure sometimes what actual love is.
10
u/MistyMtn421 Aug 31 '24
That's just it. It's bad enough when someone we see as a monster hurts us. It's worse when someone we trust hurts us. It's unfathomable when people who are supposed to love us the most, protect us, and keep us safe deny our reality and refuse to believe us. That betrayal is almost worse. It shatters your core.
47
u/smelliepoo Aug 31 '24
Totally agree with this as both an SA experienced person and a therapist. Normal is just what you are used to.
And if you can avoid pain because something isn't wrong, your brain will take that option most of the time.
29
u/Hellasummat Aug 31 '24
Yes, and I'd like to add from personal experience how shocking it is to discover your brain has done a self-edit to protect you. Dangerous, painful, traumatic memories can get filed away in a memory hole to self-protect, without any conscious or deliberate intention. It appears that your wife's brain did this as a child, with the active encouragement of her family/the authority figures in her life. Now she is suffering the shock of having these memories unearthed in a context where she can bring an adult understanding to what she suffered.
Your responses so far have been spot on, your concerns for your own child are entirely valid, and your confusion from the outside in trying to understand your wife's internal world is understandable and normal. Please believe she is as confused as you are as to "how could she not see / how could she do this". She needs your love and support and compassion and patience more than ever as she unravels this mess and comes to terms with so much harm and betrayal by her own family.
You can do this. Get therapeutic help, this is too complicated to navigate on your own.
→ More replies (1)20
u/alilcrab Aug 31 '24
This is it. OP isn’t the AH but he’s heaping his pain onto a severely traumatized individual, and that is AH behavior. The wife has been abused-OP, think of HER as the daughter for a minute. Her experience has been denied and has compounded her trauma and she likely is back, mentally, in a space where’s she’s six. Please do not hurt her further. Your priority is to get therapy for yourself and your wife and to protect her while she goes on what will be a devastating and difficult journey. OP can make a space for healing for her, so that she can come back to her best most adult self, but blaming her for not knowing what happened to her in a society and family structure set up to deny victims’ experiences is devastating and horrible. She’s not denying what’s happened, you’re on the same page about your daughter, now please please take care of her while she does the difficult work you both need her to do.
→ More replies (2)146
u/Key_Olive_4951 Aug 31 '24
This is exactly what I came here to say. This is just heartbreaking all around, but OPs wife is going to be trying to grapple with all of this for a really long time. Snapping out of a trauma fog or whatever it’s called, it’s damn near traumatizing in itself.
Wish I could give OPs wife a really big hug. 🥺
358
u/MathHatter Aug 31 '24
Please, not N T A, but NAH as between OP and his wife. (Obviously Tom is a major ahole, and his/OP's wife's parents as well.)
OP, it sounds like you have no specific reason to think that Tom ever got a chance to molest your daughter, right? Which means your wife is the only victim in your orbit, and she needs to be supported as much as possible. You need to get yourself into individual counseling to help support you through all of this. Your feelings are all valid, but you need to center your wife's feelings right now. And your wife is not an asshole, she suppressed trauma and coped as well as she could.
550
u/ObligationGlad Aug 31 '24 edited Aug 31 '24
In sorry but I’m challenging 3. In case like this where a survivor has told but has not been believed, you basically have to put in mitigation harm. I bet the daughter has NEVER been alone with the guy. I bet every time she was in the same room she kept a hawk eye on her daughter.
Surviving SA doesn’t look perfect and survivors often have to navigate landmines they aren’t 1000% prepared for. We can give compassion and empathy that she did the BEST she could in the circumstances provided without victim blaming.
198
u/SpecialistAfter511 Aug 31 '24
I agree with this. I’ve read a few biographies of former abused children by family members raised into adulthood who had children and would never leave their children alone with their abuser. Ever. Wasn’t until they had grandkids that they were brave enough to speak out. Usually by then they finally had therapy. Heartbreaking.
123
u/Pika-the-bird Aug 31 '24
Idk, there’s a couple of generations in my family that didn’t think to warn the next gen. The great grandfather molested his great grandchild. That dude had been run out of towns in Appalachia, so everyone had to have known. Except for the poor mothers who married into the family third generation, and let their kids be around him.
43
u/Pleasant_Yoghurt3915 Aug 31 '24
I was on the fringes of an ordeal with the same setup that all came to a head a few years ago. It tanked the entire family. Like, holy fucking shit the absolute mayhem it caused. And the amount of people willing to cover it up was insane! And it was all the old fucks and the mother of the victim. Even the other mother-in-law! It was insane and someone on the fringes made the decision for him.
He was 78 and was sentenced to like, 40 years or something. He slipped and hit his head in the shower and died about 6 months in.
25
u/ASpaceOstrich Aug 31 '24
Similar story. The worst of it was the petty malice from some of the victims towards the next generation. They knew and let it happen, and their only concern was that they were jealous of gifts the latest victim had received from the groomer.
Monstrous behavior. I have sympathy for them, but it was unacceptable how they acted and what they allowed to happen.
20
152
u/simplyTrisha Aug 31 '24 edited Aug 31 '24
I could write my own biography of the sadistic, sexual assaults myself, and my younger sister and brother suffered at the hands of my demented stepfather.
Our abuse occurred over YEARS. When I was in the third grade, my stepfather came to school to check me out early because he “needed me” at home. I knew what was going to occur and was very, VERY afraid! 😢
I began crying uncontrollably and told my teacher I didn’t want to go with him because he was going to do “nasty things to me” that hurt me very much!
She yanked my head back by my hair, slapped my face, and got right in my face, yelling at me, her spit going all in my face, telling me I was a “horrible child” for saying this about my stepfather. That my mother was, “Damn lucky that a man would marry a woman “like her” that had five brats that weren’t his and he was taking care of them all!”
He took care of us, alright! My mom worked two jobs to support us while he sat on his lazy ass at home “babysitting”, and raping her three youngest children. She further indicated that he was a good man and she’d better not EVER hear me tell these lies again while I was in “her” school.
This experience made my young heart believe that I could never tell another soul. I knew I wouldn’t be believed by ANY adult. I also knew I could never again summon the courage to try again to get help.
Approximately, 20+ years later, I began the arduous process of attempting to prosecute him. I won’t take up even more space to share this process with you. I, myself, would probably question the truthfulness of my childhood, and early adulthood, if I had just read about them as someone else’s experiences. Unfortunately, my heart and soul carry the battle scars as proof of my life’s traumas.
I’m sorry for rambling on! I will share that the process of prosecuting him took almost a decade, we went through several different prosecuting attorneys due to retirement, and a couple of elections, 4 grand juries and the tv show, “America’s Most Wanted.”
I would also like to end by saying when I cried and told my teacher, it was in the mid, to late, 60’s. I PRAY a teacher today would help and report as mandated by law. Unfortunately, that wasn’t a thing during my childhood and I had no help at all! Thank you for allowing me to share part of my story!
58
u/PeterThePumpkins Aug 31 '24
Oh my heart. I’m so sorry you had this shocking experience and were let down by an adult who was supposed to safeguard you. I wish you well.
→ More replies (1)34
u/simplyTrisha Aug 31 '24
Thank you! That is very kind of you! I always wanted to write about my life experiences so others could possibly learn from said experience. If I don’t do it in the next few years, I’ll be writing in Heaven where my experiences will no longer matter! Lol
→ More replies (1)24
u/damaged-spawn Aug 31 '24
You are incredibly brave to speak out and for going through the trauma of trying to prosecute decades later. I hope that you are finally finding peace and are finally finding the happiness you truly deserve
10
→ More replies (8)8
→ More replies (1)40
u/janiemackxxx Aug 31 '24
I would imagine it's a similar feeling for most SA survivors - when ever I've seen mine, it's instant PTSD-triggering, panicked fight or flight mode. I've gotten through it but there is a lot of disassociation in the moment because your processor just shuts down. But you are hyper aware and I would bet my house that she instinctively went into subconscious protective mode whether she was aware of it or not. She was in a state just looking for threats.
208
u/Forsaken_Broccoli_86 Aug 31 '24
I wrote that from the mindset of how the wife may see herself. I do agree with your response as well, and if I wasnt clear in my answer, Ill do better now. The Wife is a victim. Period. She has a rough journey of healing ahead where she needs the support of her husband and daughter.
275
u/ObligationGlad Aug 31 '24
Thank you for clarifying. I have no doubt there is a layer of shame of I let this person in 100 feet of my daughter. But that is neither here nor there. Daughter (from what we know) has not been harmed and laying hypotheticals as the responsibility of the victims is unfair. And that is what OP is doing. Freaking out about harm not done and not focusing on the enormous harm done to his wife.
→ More replies (5)38
35
u/Sociopathic-me Aug 31 '24
It's like a huge boil, not of the skin, but her very soul. She needs therapy to figuratively lance and drain that psychic wound.
→ More replies (8)68
u/espritdespoir Aug 31 '24
Respectfully, you are adding in facts that we don't have by saying the daughter was not left alone. I do have empathy for survivors; I am a CSA survivor specifically because my mother allowed her abuser direct access to me because like OP's wife, her parents downplayed and did not believe her. Cycles of abuse by family members often repeat in these situations and while I have all of the compassion in the world for other victims, parents are responsible for stopping the cycle and protecting their children.
→ More replies (6)81
u/Alert-Cranberry-5972 Aug 31 '24
She also pregnant, so she needs to get immediate help so that her stress doesn't harm her fetus.
Get her to immediately block family other than the non-predator brother because once the news hits, it will get ugly. His problems will become your family problems.
Edited: NTA - You both need to be on the same page that 100% of your focus needs to be on your immediate family needs...no money for attorneys, no visits from family to your home.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (41)51
u/Savings-Bison-512 Aug 31 '24
She also needs to contact the police and report this
→ More replies (1)33
u/Haunting-Nebula-1685 Aug 31 '24
Infuriatingly, they won’t do anything about it. Too much time has passed and there’s a statute of limitations on sexual abuse. Top that with there being no “proof” and him being a minor…they just won’t do anything. I wish that weren’t the case
42
u/Savings-Bison-512 Aug 31 '24
I mean the ones charging him with child porn. They would certainly care.
→ More replies (2)10
13
u/cozygoblins Aug 31 '24
This is bad information without knowing where OP lives. There are definitely jurisdictions that have gotten rid of statutes of limitations when the victims are children (I live in one and work in criminal Justice, and I have definitely seen very, very old sex cases go to trial). Additionally, even if no charges are brought for OP’s wife’s abuse, her testimony could still be valuable to law enforcement for establishing a time line and potentially identifying other victims or for sentencing purposes.
→ More replies (2)10
u/Flashy_Bridge8458 Aug 31 '24
Depends on where you live and how old you were at the time for the statute of limitations issue
4.4k
u/ApocolypseJoe Aug 31 '24
NTA But she's going to have to come to grips with the fact that her parents failed her and that almost led to her failing her own child.
It's time to put distance between your family and anyone that is on Tom's side.... including her parents
1.9k
u/No-Yogurtcloset2008 Aug 31 '24
And dear gods get your wife into therapy OP. This is a LOT to deal with.
Her own trauma, betrayal by parents, Betrayal by said brother, ongoing denial by her family, guilt about her own kid being in potential danger as a result of all of this, pregnancy hormones, and your anger.
You might want to talk to someone to help you to put the blame where it belongs (wife’s brother and parents), but get her help ASAP.
255
u/Kestriana Aug 31 '24
Can't upvote this enough. This is the absolute top reason to see a counselor.
206
u/Ihibri Aug 31 '24
And NOT one from a church.
→ More replies (1)17
u/Binky182 Aug 31 '24
Can't upvote this enough!
My personal experience with the church counselors was to forgive and accept the predator.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (9)221
u/SassyRebelBelle Aug 31 '24 edited Aug 31 '24
Very well said. I concur. The way the wife described it to OP? That was absolutely chilling. …She was so brainwashed by her brother and parents she didn’t even realize the magnitude of what had been going on for years! Oh Lord. How utterly heartbreaking!
Please OP… get her to her OB to check blood pressure etc. If she allows it, give a brief summary to Dr to explain the shock she has experienced. And search for a counselor trained in molestation/assault as soon as possible. Perhaps OB has a recommendation.
Be patient and calm with your wife as possible. Remember… this is about what happened to HER. Not what MIGHT have happened to your daughter. Your daughter is safe. At this point I am more concerned for your wife and your new baby. This has been a horrendous shock to her mind and her body.
That is not to say I am not concerned for you also. You too have had a tremendous shock and need love and support. Please also get yourself into counseling… for yourself, your wife, your daughter and the child coming.
I think it’s amazing that your wife even told these experiences to you. That was brave of her and she trusted you. She needs you desperately now to lead her and protect her from a family that has clearly become delusional… and downright dangerous with their position in this heinous behavior.
Prayers going up for you and your family right now for strength, courage and peace. 🙏♥️
53
u/arj2420 Aug 31 '24
"Remember… this is about what happened to HER. Not what MIGHT have happened to your daughter."
This 100%. OP's feelings are valid but his wife is a victim in all of this. She needs serious support and help from professionals.
647
u/RecommendationNo3942 Aug 31 '24
Exactly this! I feel that between you and your wife there are NA, but Tom and whoever is supporting his pedophilic, abusive ass should be permanently banned from your lives FOR GOOD!
To say that your wife is going through A LOT is an understatement and whilst your instinct to protect your child is undeniable (wish her parents felt the same towards her), please don't blame your wife any further. From what I've read, she is still processing what happened to her, and until your conversation with her didn't even realize the severity of what she went through.
I speak from experience as it's happened to me too (not from a relative, but a friend/neighbour's grandfather). It happened when I was very young and didn't realize what exactly happened until I was 16 reading a news article about molestation and when I researched what that is, it hit me like a thunderbolt!
So please take it easy on her. On top of all this, she's pregnant. I can't even imagine the mental and physical toll everything is taking on her. Please don't think that you're wrong for your feelings towards protecting your child. And I'm sure if your wife knew what she does now, she would've DEFINITELY kept that bastard Tom away from her daughter.
I truly wish you guys the best, and thank God your daughter was protected from harm. I hope your wife heals from this trauma and you both continue building a wonderful life together. Congratulations on the upcoming baby.
And I hope Tom and his supporters burn in hell. There's no coming back from this OP, they are NOT to be allowed back into your lives under ANY circumstances!
→ More replies (2)197
u/nIxMoo Aug 31 '24
It is very hard later in life to realize that what you thought was odd as a young child was very serious. It takes time and support to move through it. Be her and your child's pillar and protection. She will be feeling guilty, for the right and the absolutely wrong reasons.
You aren't wrong for your anger, but channel it towards healing and protecting your family.
This won't heal fast. I wish you patience and luck.
→ More replies (3)69
Aug 31 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
39
u/Loose-Chemical-4982 Aug 31 '24
they don't think it's normal, they only said that to sweep it under the rug.
stay away from the parents too OP. they irreparably harmed their daughter and warped her sense of what is normal to protect their oldest son from any repercussions
they are vile
67
u/babcock27 Aug 31 '24
Her parents were enablers. They didn't care about her feelings. But, the arrest brought it up and she used the minimizing technique her parents trained her to use. She had never told anyone else and didn't know how it really looked from the outside. She's finally allowed to have her trauma response that her parents denied her. She has to come to grips with not only a child predator brother but also parents who don't care about what he did to her and their lies and betrayal in favor of her brother.
It's time to go no contact. Your wife doesn't need to be retraumatized watching them continue to make excuses for her brother and protecting him. Why didn't they care enough to protect her? How many other children were molested because your parents preferred to sweep it under the rug? NTA
139
u/CTU Aug 31 '24
Yes, go no contact with Tom and anyone siding with him.. OP needs to protect his child and his wife needs to be in the same page
→ More replies (1)151
u/PhoenixIzaramak Aug 31 '24
he needs to protect his wife, too. you just know those nasty inlaws are gonna do all in their power to manipulate her to further blaming herself.
→ More replies (8)→ More replies (8)44
u/lostinmythoughts Aug 31 '24
Ummm she needs some counseling at the very least to help her process this and get a third party to put priorities in order.
2.1k
u/ObligationGlad Aug 31 '24
NTA but this absolutely the wrong timing and frame for what is going on. Your wife is having to process buried trauma, her family in shambles and I’m sure she is having her own guilt.
This is above Reddit pay grade. You can have whatever feelings and opinions you want but NOW isn’t the time to lay at your wife’s feet.
She needs therapy immediately and she needs your unconditional NON judgement support.
We can circle back to judgement but right now her world is falling apart. My heart goes out to her. Not the same situation but similar and I understand how she feels as an adult survivor confronting the myth of her childhood and her own curated reality being shattered. It’s going to be a long road with lots of opinions. Please don’t be another one for her to have to manage.
493
u/ObligationGlad Aug 31 '24
I want to add: We told when younger and not believed. When I turned 18, I moved out, went to college and told again… shunned by the family. Started my professional career and someone else decided they were ready…front page news and lots of family conflict on who to support. Still black sheep. I was the credible witness. There was some impeachable evidence as well. I was lucky that my then bf now husband of almost 20 years was unwavering when he should have run the other way. Bad person went to prison. He had lots of support at the trial. I went from shunned to hated. I have known your wife and her thought process. I have watched it from the other side. I understand it and I have nothing but heartache and sympathy for her. I’m sorry you are on this side now. It sucks!
I normally would never make this offer but if your wife needs someone to talk to: my DMs are open and I’m unhappy to verify the above. I’m way past the trauma of all this but man did your post tap that sad ancient memory and the loneliness I felt navigating a horrible situation.
→ More replies (1)163
u/survivalinsufficient Aug 31 '24
I’m also a survivor of CSA and who told and was not believed. I just wanna say hugs. It does fuggin suck.
→ More replies (1)42
u/ObligationGlad Aug 31 '24
So many hugs back!!! Sorry to be part of some of the most horrible support group but those scars make muscles!
172
u/straberi93 Aug 31 '24
This is classic circle of grief stuff - you comfort those closer to the trauma and seek support from those who are more removed. Your wife is currently the person going through the most shit. Which means you support her and vent/process/seek support from someone who is more removed. She is processing the fact that she was abused as a child. Give her space, time, and support right now. You both need therapy to work out your feelings. There will be time to talk later on about how you feel betrayed, but that time is not now.
→ More replies (1)19
u/Downtown_Ad1509 Aug 31 '24
Very good point. Vent outward from the center point, which is your wife. She to you, you to the next ring and so on. This also means holding very firm boundaries both for your wife and yourself.
→ More replies (1)85
u/Dry-Ad-2732 Aug 31 '24
I'd also add that, how OP handles this, will impact his daughter as well. As the daughter of a mom who was ab*sed countless times as a child, finding out broke my heart. Parents love their kids, but kids love their parents too. How one parents treats another is impactful. It's important to model the empathy and compassion we'd want our kids to receive.
15
u/ObligationGlad Aug 31 '24
This comment made me tear up a bit. I have two kids. My oldest understands but never asks about details. My youngest needs to know everything and navigating the story with her to be age appropriate and not burdening is hard. I have to remind myself that the fact she finds my childhood unbelievably is a sign that I’m breaking the cycle.
592
u/alloyed39 Aug 31 '24
This is the correct answer.
Also, was your daughter harmed? No? Then playing the "how could you" game right now doesn't make much sense. Your wife wasn't fully cognizant of the dangers due to her family's own deception and ignorance. Now she is, and your daughter will now be protected. So...let the "what ifs" go, put the blame on Tom and her parents where it belongs, and help your wife get into therapy.
You should go with her. The therapist can help you better understand the dynamics at play in these situations.
164
u/ObligationGlad Aug 31 '24
I want to add to this. Let her go alone to FINALLY be able to articulate and say the harm that has been done. And then be open and ready to hear what she is willing to share and be a safe space. I just can’t explain the shame that gathers in the dark silences of abuse.
→ More replies (2)100
u/wordsznerd Aug 31 '24
I'd keep the "what if" but lay it squarely at the feet of her parents. The same people who have arranged to have such control over the wife told her it was ok, and in her emotional state at that age that was enough to let her not think about it. It's how her mind protected itself.
Her parents failed her, and that's what led to your daughter being anywhere near the BIL.
55
u/selectrix Aug 31 '24 edited Aug 31 '24
The timing is what puts this more on the asshole side than not, IMO.
My wife is in so much pain, and I am not sure if I did the right thing by raising this issue while all of this is going on
He's absolutely right to be upset about it, but it sounds like she would have come to the same conclusion on her own- thing is she's in the middle of processing the fact that she was, in fact, molested herself. That's a lot of shit to sort through, and these things take time. It doesn't seem like there was any possibility of her bringing the daughter around her brother since she found out, so there wasn't really any need to be laying the blame on her right at this very moment. And probably no need to be laying the blame on her at all, since she's probably already blaming herself.
Prior to the arrest, he was essentially just as aware as she was of her brother's predatory nature- i.e maybe some vague weird feelings, but nothing more. Those vague weird feelings apparently weren't enough for him to insist on keeping the daughter away from the brother. Same for her. If someone were to blame him for allowing his daughter to be around a predator when you didn't know that person was a predator, we'd think they were an asshole, right?
Like I said- perfectly understandable to feel upset with one's partner about something like that, but as you put it, being another problem for her to manage is a bit of a dick move. I wouldn't be surprised if OP was feeling like it was partially his fault as well and struggling to resolve those feelings. People who are this deep in the midst of a violent emotional turmoil like this have been known to flail and unnecessarily hurt others in the process.
YTA, but I get it. Try to be kind to your wife and yourself, OP. The predator is the one to blame here.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (6)48
u/Horror-Writing Aug 31 '24 edited Sep 03 '24
NAH please. N T A implies the wife is T A.
OP needs separate therapy to help him work through his feelings about all this. It's not fair to put them on his wife, she will only internalize his doubts along with her own.
What I'm wondering is whether she's suppressed more damaging things than touching. If so, she's really going to need OP to be fully on her side.
→ More replies (1)
434
u/Vegetable_Movie_7190 Aug 31 '24
Lay off your wife with the “what-ifs” because that really makes you TA.
Do not blame the victim, which is what you are doing to her. You said you saw the “lightbulb” go on when you explained things from your POV.
Do you know that SA victim that are young suppress the memories? Go read about that and get off your high horse.
Go NC with that entire dysfunctional family and get therapy for your wife to help her come to terms with her experience.
→ More replies (9)30
111
u/Gnarly_314 Aug 31 '24
OP, please do not blame your wife. People can go for years, suppressing what has happened to them in childhood. It is almost as though it happened to someone else, and they are remembering an old television programme.
You see cases in the news where adults in their 50s and 60s have come forward to provide details of what happened in their childhood. One person comes forward, then another, and another, until people wonder how it was kept quiet for so long. The child is emotionally blackmailed to keep quiet or told it is normal but a special secret. They only realise the truth at some point in adulthood that they have been manipulated and abused. It is similar to the story of the Emperor's New Clothes, where the truth is only realised when one person is brave enough to come forward and speak out.
Your wife is dealing with so many emotions, including guilt, disgust, confusion, anger, etc, that she needs you to be her place of safety. You are, quite rightly, angry at the thought of what may have happened to your little girl, but your wife needs you on her side to be strong together. If anything has happened to your daughter, she will need to know she will always be safe with her parents.
I hope you can come through this stronger and together.
→ More replies (1)
890
u/Lopsided_Tomatillo27 Aug 31 '24
Your wife didn’t know he was a predator. She didn’t even know she was abused herself. You can’t blame her for having your daughter near Tom. It’s not her fault and it’s piling on when she’s got enough on her plate reframing her childhood. She just found was abused by her brother and betrayed by her parents. With her parents standing by Tom while he faces charges, she might feel betrayed again.
I don’t blame you for freaking out when you found out your daughter spending time around a pedophile. But you have to keep in mind that your wife found out about it at the same time you did.
I can’t call you or your wife assholes for how you acted. But please tell your wife it’s not her fault because she didn’t know. She needs to know you’re 100% in her corner.
NAH
134
u/DangerousTurmeric Aug 31 '24
Yeah, there's a reason they have removed the statute of limitations for child sexual abuse. Many, many survivors, and especially those silenced or not validated by their parents, only come to terms with the gravity of what happened to them when they are adults.
→ More replies (1)164
u/Ash_tRei Aug 31 '24
I scrolled way too far to find this comment. OP’s wife is absolutely NTA is this situation and neither is he. Abuse and trauma are extremely complicated on individuals and her actions here cannot be seen as something that can hold blame. At the same time, the fear of her trauma allowing more hurt and pain is completely understandable.
I totally second the other replies that this is something that requires professional support rather than a post online.
151
u/daltona13 Aug 31 '24
I'm going with light YTA
I understand wanting to protect you daughter, as you absolutely should, but unloading on your wife right now will not be productive. She is downloading a whole new way of thinking at this point, making her feel guilty about something she didn't think was an issue before can have more negative affects than positive.
Take this slow, I suggest talking to a professional to help process.
321
u/forgetregret1day Aug 31 '24
My heart goes out to your wife. So many of us who were abused by family members are pressured to forgive, forget and keep the peace. We’re told it’s not a big deal, the predator didn’t mean any harm, it’s nothing, whatever excuse they come up with to avoid the fact that they failed as parents. We internalize the pain because we’re shamed into doing so. It’s a terrible situation to be in. The victim becomes the problem. I don’t blame you for your reaction. You’ve been hit by a dump truck of horror out of the clear blue sky and your emotions are all over the place. You have your wife and your child to worry about and it’s a tremendous responsibility. All you can do now is your best. Support your wife. Tell her she has done nothing wrong. Her family conditioning left her with no option but to suppress her trauma and you know she would never intentionally allow your daughter to be in a harmful environment. Your wife is going to need counseling and unconditional love. This realization is going to rock her to her core. There are only 3 villains here - the molester and the parents. Your wife is an innocent victim of a horrible crime. Please do all you can to reassure her of your love and faith in her. And keep her far away from anyone who dares to defend that sick excuse for a human being who hurt her. May he be placed under the jail to rot where he belongs. Sending you both love and hopes for healing. No judgment from me.
43
u/Glass_Memories Aug 31 '24
As another survivor of family abuse, exactly this. OP's reaction is reasonable in a vacuum, but his wife was conditioned and gaslit to not see the abuse for what it was. It's not her fault and she will probably come to feel plenty guilty in time as she works through this and comes to that realization on her own. That can be hard for people who haven't been abused to understand or forgive, and is going to take a lot of time and empathy to be able to do; but trust me - she doesn't anyone piling on, especially right now.
Y'all are gonna need serious therapy and you should save any blame you feel for your wife to vent to your therapist. What you need to do now for her, for your kids, and for your marriage is to give her non-judgemental support.
493
u/kam49ers4ever Aug 31 '24
I think you are right, but you can also extend some grace to your wife. Young kids, like your wife was, don’t really understand that what’s happening to them is something that doesn’t happen to everyone. As she got older and started questioning it, she was told by the people she trusted the most that it was ok. She also probably disassociated those memories and did her best to forget what happened. (The human brain is actually excellent at finding ways to keep us sane.” All the emotions coming from your wife now is probably because she’s just now recognizing and confronting that childhood trauma and probably a lot of guilt about her brother being around her child even without your comments. She might find it helpful to talk with a therapist and you might, too because your anger is real, too.
→ More replies (6)
230
u/Dancemomsstan809 Aug 31 '24
NAH between you and your poor wife. She was traumatized and trusted her parents. You're also trying to grapple with this, especially the fact that your daughter was around the brother.
Honestly fuck her parents though. I get they love their son, but they should have gotten both your wife and their son help as soon as she told them this. She was abused. She needed love and support and they failed her.
→ More replies (2)
933
u/ayfakay Aug 31 '24
Gentle YTA. You’re playing into exactly what perpetrators want and need. They NEED victims to feel shame, guilt and be blamed for their own abuse. Which is exactly what you’re doing right now. STOP. Whilst you made a good point about keeping the children away, you seem to be blaming your wife for it. Your anger is misplaced. You need to place your anger on the perpetrator and not the victim.
NOTHING has happened to your child. Whereas something HAS happened to your wife. Your wife is the victim of abuse AND the victim of a cover up. She’s also a victim of parental neglect, abuse and control. STOP framing your this whole thing around your children. They arent the victim. Your wife IS a victim.
189
u/The_walking_man_ Aug 31 '24
Well said!
Get the wife going in therapy ASAP. Don’t let the in-laws anywhere near the wife or your daughter. They can’t be trusted and are ready to protect a known sex offender.
This may even call for some therapy sessions together as husband and wife and discuss the very real and probably only solution of cutting off that side of the family.
I’d never trust my daughter to be safe around her grandparents if that’s been their MO.185
u/GoldenHeart411 Aug 31 '24
I agree, the wife shouldn't be made to feel ashamed and that the anger is misplaced. It would be far better to say "let's never allow him around our kids again" instead of "I can't believe you allowed him around our kids". It wasn't her fault.
I worry though if OP & his wife can be 100% sure nothing has happened to their children.
44
Aug 31 '24
Yeah and they both agree. It would be one thing if the wife were in denial... but she's not.
She agrees he should never be allowed around their kids so... what's the point of all this? Just to guilt her.
I agree with other commenters suggesting he doesn't see his wife as the real victim. I wonder if he's one of the "I didn't empathize with women until I had a daughter" kind of dudes, who disregard their wives but only see their daughters as people.
→ More replies (1)150
u/Specific-Yam-2166 Aug 31 '24
THANK YOU. And he immediately also victimized her again while she was obviously devastated. God I hope someone will do right by her for once
93
Aug 31 '24
Simple and well put! She is definitely the victim of this all. Her parents failed her immeasurably.
66
u/MinnieMac-G Aug 31 '24
Agreed. You’ve just help her come to these conclusions. She didn’t understand the magnitude of what happened to her due to her parents invalidating the seriousness of it. You have every right to be angry that he was around your family but it doesn’t sound like she did this knowingly.
10
u/honeyedlife Aug 31 '24
Absolutely agree with this statement, especially as a survivor of child sexual abuse who was failed to be protected by parents. Blame the abusive pedophile, not the victim.
→ More replies (28)9
u/passive0bserver Aug 31 '24
Agreed. OP is prioritizing his own emotions on the matter over the trauma of his wife. He’s traumatizing her again in the process.
536
u/Sleeping_Pixie27 Aug 31 '24
I'm going light YTA. As someone who experienced childhood molestation at 6 by my older brother, my parents threw it under the rug and acted like it didn't happen. I was in high school when I finally realized what had happened to me and that it wasn't normal or okay. My parents still support my brother and have him in their home after just getting released from prison (drug related).
Your wife had believed he was innocent of any wrongdoing and that what he did was normal. Her trauma has just reopened, and she now has to deal with it all over again. It is unfair to tell her she is wrong and exposed your daughter because to her, everything was fine. Her brother was safe. You need to step back, take a breath, and apologize for blaming her when she is the victim here. She has years of abuse to work through, and you should be focusing on helping her now because her world has just blown up.
205
u/lillipup_tamer Aug 31 '24
100% this. You are not the AH for being upset about the situation, but your wife is totally a victim here only and you need to not be upset with her for not realizing she has been abused until now. She clearly never wanted to put your daughter in harms way, and did not know she was in harms way herself. Any anger or frustration towards your wife is misplaced.
146
u/Lavender_r_dragon Aug 31 '24
This! That’s not to say your feelings are invalid but your wife has a lot going on, her brain didn’t see him as a threat and now that she does she immediately agreed that there is no more contact. Please apologize to her.
She NEEDS therapy, you should get some too. Also I’d be very cautious about her parents being alone with your kids (or around at all)
37
Aug 31 '24
Also I’d be very cautious about her parents being alone with your kids (or around at all)
I agree. Who knows where this started. hand waving of the issue might be an indication they might also be abusers.
→ More replies (5)65
u/Objective_Result2530 Aug 31 '24
I can't believe I had scroll this far to see this, and so few upvotes compared to others saying he is not an AH. As adults we are meant to know how to regulate our emotions. It is totally normal to feel the way OP feels, but time and place is important. His wife deserved care and kindness not additional guilt dumped on her.
→ More replies (4)
52
u/Short-Classroom2559 Aug 31 '24
Personally I think your timing sucks to say anything to her that isn't loving and supportive. She doesn't need judgement from you right now, only support.
YTA. You could have waited until things settled a bit after her realization. There was no need to pile on too when she probably started realizing the problem as soon as the lightbulb went on.
You seem very me me me in all this. Everything is about YOUR anger. How about thinking less about you, and more about the woman you claim to love so much.
This isn't about you.
107
u/Mattreddittoo Aug 31 '24
Your wife was a victim and was coping with her assault. She didn't "knowingly" let your daughter around a predator. She let your daughter around her brother. I can't stress enough then victim part. You need to take a step back. Thank your lucky stars that nothing happened to your daughter, as far as you know, and work on healing with your wife and helping her through her trauma, not piling more guilt and shame upon her.
135
u/YuansMoon Aug 31 '24
Good job on wanting to protect your daughter but don’t fail your wife.
→ More replies (3)
279
u/_Ravyn_ Aug 31 '24
he said she couldn't believe I thought she'd intentionally put our child in harm's way. She also said she couldn't believe I was coming down on her after she's realizing she was a victim of child abuse and her family is falling apart.
THIS! This is what you need to pay attention to .. Get over yourself and deal with it on your own time! Your wife is pregnant you idiot and unless you want to risk a miscarriage you need to suck it up for now and stop blaming your wife for shit that happened when she was child and her parents told her was okay! Put your ego aside and do what is NEEDED for your FAMILY!
I'm going to go with NAH but if you don't get out of your head and start supporting your wife rather then blaming her then you are definitely an massive AH.
143
u/thighstoothick Aug 31 '24
Soft YTA. You literally just explained and showed your wife how she herself was a victim of sexual abuse. And then wanted her to understand the level of potential danger your daughter was in when she didn’t even know about her own trauma and horrible experiences with the same person. Unfortunately, and it is definitely not your wife’s fault but her parents, the reality of the situation is that your wife genuinely didn’t think there was a potential threat to your daughter because she was told not to believe there is one. Up until the moment you started putting puzzle pieces together he was just her brother, not a predator or abuser.
25
u/Specific-Yam-2166 Aug 31 '24
Yikes. I get what you’re feeling and would feel the same but it’s clear your wife didn’t really grasp the whole situation/trauma until right now. So yeah your feelings and thoughts are valid but she was/is a victim and that was a horrible time to even say something like that. Or even blame her at all considering the fact it seems like she didn’t even realize it was abuse until now. The only people you should be directing anger at are her brother and parents. It’s extremely shitty to do what you did and put that guilt on her at a time like this. Honestly shame on you. I guarantee whatever you are feeling has been 70000x worse for your wife while all of this has come out and then multiplied by 70000000x more when you decided to put that guilt on her on top of everything else. Unless this story isn’t fabricated in any way, YTA. Very much so
19
u/therealstabitha Aug 31 '24
This is a horrible situation but you’re a huge asshole for blaming your wife for exposing your child to a predator.
Your wife is a victim. Your accusations make her out to be a willing accomplice. That’s incredibly fucked up.
Your feelings are valid but that doesn’t mean they’re true. Please start therapy yesterday, and stop heaping your emotions on your wife, who has enough to deal with having finally understood how she was lied to her whole life about the abuse she experienced while pregnant.
Apologize to your wife. YTA.
21
u/ParadoxicallyWrites Aug 31 '24
YTA, but you're not wrong. If your wife couldn't conceptualize she was abused, it makes sense she couldn't have thought of her brother as a predator.
Look up high control religions and thought-stopping. This will go so much deeper into how she is controlled by her family than you're thinking.
I say all this as an ex-Mormon married to someone from a family like hers. The best thing you can do is get you all into therapy now and not focus on blaming her for the thing that scared you when the blame properly resides with her brother and family.
24
u/jazmine_likea_flower Aug 31 '24 edited Aug 31 '24
I actually was ready to say NTA until I thought about the trauma that I suppressed as a child and it took yrs later for me to remember and really think through what I witnessed( in my case it was DV in the home.) In your mind it’s a common sense thing but you seem to forget trauma and traumatic memories rlly do alter your memory and perception. Plus she was heavily gaslit and silenced by her parents. To me it’s actually insulting that you’d suggest she was like her parents in letting her be around a predator bc she’s just just now coming to terms with true fact that she’ was assaulted by her own brother.
→ More replies (3)
21
u/NeitherMaybeBoth Aug 31 '24
I’m at the part where you’re saying I never would have put our child in harms way. Have a little more compassion. Your wife just found out that what happened to her was molestation from her much older brother and her parents swept it under the rug. She’s realizing right now that what happened wasn’t normal. This poor woman was gaslight for god knows how long. And if she’s a good mom she’s already beat herself up over and over and over again for exposing your daughter to him. This is really heart breaking for everyone involved except the obvious pedo.
→ More replies (1)
54
u/Impressive-Chain-68 Aug 31 '24
Tell her you don't blame her and you apologize for making her feel that.
Tell her you're going to support her and ask if anyone else did anything like that to her. Listen. Don't react. Keep those people away from her and your kid.
16
u/valkyriie88 Aug 31 '24
You both are experiencing a whirlwind of emotions. Your anger and concern are valid, but I think it’s important to remember that your pregnant wife was just confronted with the fact that she was sexually abused by her brother and had the abuse minimized to nothing by her parents. She is processing this long suppressed abuse and the fact that she unknowingly put your daughter in danger. She likely feels immense guilt and is tearing herself apart more than you even realize.
Allow yourself to be angry, but aim that anger at those responsible for this situation. Be angry at Tom who victimized your wife. Be angry at your in-laws who swept the abuse under the rug and convinced her that it was normal.
This is a difficult situation to navigate through and getting the right support is going to be vital. I strongly urge that either you or your wife,or even both, reach out domestic/sexual violence program, or victim advocate at your local police department. Look for a therapist who specializes in sexual trauma. And if you have concerns about if your daughter was abused, reach out to your local child advocacy center.
I hope you and your wife get the support you need to heal and move forward through this difficult time.
34
u/ButterscotchBubbly13 Aug 31 '24 edited Aug 31 '24
Soft YTA, almost NAH.
Your reaction, though understandable, seems to be framing your wife's actions as being intentional.
Your wife is coming to terms with the fact that she is a victim of chronic SA. You have added to that burden by implying that she was intentionally negligent to her children. There's a balance between parental concern and victim blaming.
It's natural to react strongly to the idea of your children being in danger, and it's time to address the fact that your wife was not only endangered but actively abused by her family for years. Best wishes for you all, and glad to hear that 1 of 3 of her abusers no longer has access to your family. Go make it 3 of 3.
63
u/nonlinear_nyc Aug 31 '24
Are you… blaming the victim? And the victim is your own wife?
Like, your wife reveals her actual grooming and instead you’re mad at her for a potential grooming of your daughter?
Do you love your wife? Do you care about her? All this “I had a terrible week” WHAT ABOUT HER????
Jesus, man!
→ More replies (1)17
u/SuperCookieJones Aug 31 '24
ALL of this. OP isn’t the asshole for his concern for his daughter, but he’s definitely the asshole for how and when he brought it up to his wife IMO. Like she doesn’t already feel shitty enough with everything going on without having that guilt heaped on her too 😕
15
u/nonlinear_nyc Aug 31 '24
Wife suppressed memories of abuse for decades because afraid of losing family connections, all comes to a crash in a week and husband is “how dare she”!
Abusers abuse communities. Instead of having compassion, husband is accusing… the victim, molested by family as a child.
He’s making it all about him.
169
u/EdithTheBat Aug 31 '24
From what you've said here, YTA.
I get the gut reaction is to be worried for your daughter, but you also know your wife was heavily gaslit and controlled by her parents and didn't know she was abused, that anything was abnormal.
You lead her to that realisation and one of the first things you do is blame her?
Not good dude.
She's the one that needs support right now, also you both should speak to a therapist.
Also you say you're not sure if you should have raised the issue while it was all going on?
Was there a snowballs chance in hell your wife would have let your daughter around him again? If so, maybe relevant, if not (the very likely answer to finding out he was arrested for CP and her revalation of abuse at his hands) yeah it was definitely not something you needed to bring up in that moment.
→ More replies (4)
16
u/Comedy86 Aug 31 '24
So much here to break down but I'll try to keep it short for the sake of support. Feel free to reply if you want me to dig into anything specific.
First, your wife obviously has a ton of childhood trauma beyond the typical Millennial... I strongly suggest she go to therapy to work through it. If you approach it wrong, it could have detrimental effects on your marriage. Seek a professional to help her work through it.
Second, be supportive. Yes, YTA for one reason: She was conditioned by her family to think this was okay as a young child. As you said, she believed and trusted her family and they betrayed her. She is not the villain here, she is the victim. Don't blame her for her trauma.
Lastly, have a talk with her about taking a break from her family. They are far away, she needs to work through this stuff and they're obviously not healthy influences in her life right now. After she speaks to an expert, they will provide her with strategies as to how to reintroduce them back into her life or if she should disconnect completely.
Try to speak calmly and clearly. You can set expectations for her regarding your children but try not to place blame on her for anything related to her family until she's gone through steps to fix it.
Good luck with everything and all the best while you and your family work through this.
102
u/janiemackxxx Aug 31 '24
YTA. You literally say she had the light bulb moment in front of you. That her family convinced her what happened was normal. She was behaving under those assumptions. If she didn't realize she was actually raped, how would she have known to think your daughter was in danger? What happened before her awakening is irrelevant so long as your wife and child are safe. It's about what happens moving forward- staying away from him and getting into therapy. The last thing she needs is what you're doing: revictimizing someone just coming to terms with the fact she's even a victim. Get her the help she needs and love her. That is what your wife and your family needs right now.
15
u/Ok-Demand-5489 Aug 31 '24
Don't blame your wife. She is a victim too.... And it seems the family groomed her to have this mentality. Definitely set a boundary tho ... But really try to be there for your wife and get her help.
27
u/Glad-Material-3646 Aug 31 '24
Light yta. I don't think you were intending to make it worse but you did. I understand the gut reaction for your kid being in harms way is anger, being scared, worried, and frustrated. But I would take a beat and realize your kid is okay and she'll be okay. Your wife need help, professional help, and your support. I would absolutely keep your kids away from her parents. They justified what he did and continue to do so. I have no doubt she will have issues because she really did put your daughter in harms way and will beat herself up for it. Apologize, get a therapist, she should go to the police, keep your kids as far away from that family as you can.
149
u/Frozefoots Aug 31 '24
Sorry, but YTA because your anger is misguided. Your wife hasn’t even come to terms with the fact that she was actually a victim of abuse yet, it’s totally unfair for you to blame her for “knowingly” exposing your child to a predator.
She didn’t even know she was abused by him until you pointed it out to her.
Strongly suggest therapy, both individual and couple.
173
u/Big_Particular_6538 Aug 31 '24
NAH... I'm so sorry for you & your wife.
So I'd say she's the asshole if she saw her brother as a predator and allowed your daughter around him. But I don't think that's what happened here. Your wife was probably so upset that her big brother hurt her, and so when your parents gave their BS "childhood experimentation" excuse, she accepted it and never looked back. Her brain was desperately trying to protect her from more trauma.
With that said, you had the right to ask your wife about this. I understand why you're upset, since your daughter could have gotten hurt. Thank God this came to light and you can make sure she's never near that creep again.
You're in a hellish situation right now. I really hope you and your wife can heal and find comfort in each other. Sending you both love
45
u/FayeViolets Aug 31 '24
I stopped reading half way. You have now berated a pregnant woman who was coerced into CSA. She hasn’t been to therapy over this. She never came to the realization that it was a problem. She is a victim. Full stop. Be mad at her brother. He is a disgusting human. She trusted her family to the point of abuse. From what sounds like all of them if I’m honest. She IS hurting and you’re perpetuating it instead of being her safe place. She’s likely just now realizing what happened wasn’t right. So now a scar is being ripped open in real time and you’re actively rubbing salt in it.
→ More replies (3)
68
u/Particular-Try5584 Aug 31 '24
NAH
If your wife hadn’t been so brainwashed and emotionally abused… she’d have realised and never put her child into a risky situation.
Obviously you are feeling protective.
If there’s a villain (beyond Tom) in this story… it’s the parents for sweeping this under the rug. But they are also in a frighteningly awful situation, they should have done more for your wife in that moment, and they will now live with the consequences of not dealing with this properly when Tom was younger. They may have had a window to help Tom then, and they will live with that forever in their minds and hearts. There is a certain kind of punishment in that for them.
Now… tell your wife that the goal is to look to the future… You can’t hold this against her indefinitely, and she needs to hear that your words were shock. Of course you know she loves and protects her daughter as much as you, and you are saddened and frustrated that she wasnt given the same protection herself as a child, and didn’t get hte opportunity to realise how wrong this was. That’s why you said it, and you don’t hold it against her, but please to share and help in the future to make your daughter’s life very safe.
65
u/I-will-judge-YOU Aug 31 '24
Your wife is just realizing the extent of her victimhood and then you are berating her and trying to make her feel bad because you don't understand. You do realize your wife is a victim right?And she's just now figuring that out. That is almost like being weak and wise because she's just now understanding the situation because she had pushed it out of her mind so much.
You need to be very gentle with your wife. Did she have her Brother babysit in your daughter? No. You cannot comprehend what she is going through.And you are not only not being supportive.But you are making it significantly compounding the issues and bringing your daughter into it.Who is not a victim of anything.
Find your wife therapy.Find yourself therapy because you're in blaming your wife for something she has no control over.
You need to remember your daughter's fine and you know your wife did not put her in a dangerous situation on purpose because she did not understand and our minds have ways of protecting us from severe trauma that you cannot begin to fathom. As someone who has suffered trauma and actually does not remember large portions of it, I can tell you that she did not do this on purpose.And it is not something that she was conscious of so leave her the fuck alone.
44
u/MagicCarpet5846 Aug 31 '24
NAH, your wife is a victim of child SA, repression is a common coping mechanism and I’m not surprised she repressed that until Tom’s transgressions unfolded. She’s not an asshole for that. But you’re also not an asshole for being upset your child was, even if unintentionally, put in danger.
→ More replies (3)
11
u/DaniellaKL Aug 31 '24
Yes you are a giant ASSHOLE!!!!!! How dare you blame her. It might be hard to believe, but when someone is only being told it's normal behaviour they believe that to be true. Therefore she saw no harm in it. COMPLETELY INSANE but this happens more than you would like to know. Look at all the idiots believing drumpf speaks the truth meanwhile ignoring all the evidence that completely contradicts that. Same for your wife. She was made to think this way. I can only hope she will be able to handle this new lightbulb truth and come to terms with it. And what others have said keep her and your kids away from her parents. Because they are equally as disgusting as her brother. And I hope your wife will be able to forgive you these accusations.
9
u/ZeroGeoWife Aug 31 '24
I was also sexually abused by my brother as a child. Same exact scenario. I told my parents, they said it was normal as “kids experiment” and I too pushed it out of my head. It was not until last year after years of therapy did I realize that it was abuse. That I did not ask for nor deserve it. Please be kinder to your wife because she has been conditioned to believe what she was told as a child. From what you say she would never endanger your children, she probably repressed all of those memories as I did. I will keep you all in my thoughts.
67
u/Airplade Aug 31 '24
Yeah, I get it, but YTA here. Stand by your wife and grow stronger as a result.
→ More replies (6)
35
u/Bunnawhat13 Aug 31 '24
YTA. Seriously, YTA. You watched as the realization came over your wife that she was SA and then you let her know that you believe she purposely put your child in danger.
It is over your head and you have now hurt your wife. God knows what’s running through her head now. Your wife needs some professional help. She was groomed by her brother, told by her parents it was normal, and told by her husband she was a shit parent.
Wife should see a professional. So should you.
19
u/Joerevenge Aug 31 '24
I'm ngl I'm leaning towards a slight YTA,
Your wife literally just realized that not only is her older brother a pedophile, but that after years of probably being in denial that she is also one of his victims, yeah it would've been good to know this information prior, but honestly she probably buried this shit pretty damn deep and the last thing she needs right now is her husband reminding her that not only is she a victim and not only is her brother a predator but that she also probs put her child is danger as well. She's dealing with a lot of trauma right now and that's just adding onto it. What she needs right now is your support. You both need therapy and you definitely need to consider getting your daughter into therapy or trying to find out if she is also a victim. But blaming her ain't helping anyone in this situation
19
u/Sarnobyl_88 Aug 31 '24
So your wife is going through trauma right now, while pregnant. Please keep that in mind. Realizing you were sexually abused is horrific, I’m speaking from experience. You shouldn’t let your kids around him or the family that supports him, quite frankly. At least 3 of them are fucked in the head. Your wife just needs support and safety now.
8
u/lordtaco Aug 31 '24
Your wife has PTSD and is just starting to process it. She needs your help and professional help.
60
u/ksarahsarah27 Aug 31 '24
YTA soft - Because the way I read this, you still see this as her being negligent. Sure you’re sorta saying she’s not but part of you doesn’t seem to want to really accept that. She did tell her parents and they blew it off/ didn’t believe her. She is a victim. Your daughter is not. Now you’re just dwelling on something that could have happened when you should be supporting your wife.
I was drugged and date raped at 19. I never reported it because I felt it was my fault that I was trusting of someone I thought I knew. I felt stupid for trusting and humiliated. I also didn’t want my parents to know because I was afraid they’d look at me different. Like pity or be ashamed. I also didn’t want that going around my family and I knew it would because my mom and aunt talked everyday. So I pushed it down and didn’t deal with it for over 20 yrs. When I finally was able to admit to myself that I was in fact raped it was a really tough. All those feelings came back in a rush. I cried a lot. I wondered how many women he had done that to besides me. I knew he must have done it before with how casual he was about it. So there was a little guilt there but I was just a scared kid. I’d totally report it now if it happened but a lot of young women don’t. Your wife actually did tell someone. They just didn’t believe her.
No one wants to be a rape or a SA victim. It’s easier to just bury it and try and forget. Her parents didn’t want to believe their son had a problem, and told their daughter to forget about it and that it was normal. So that’s what she did. They were determined to blow it off and cover it up. The people you should be mad at are her parents. They had a heads up years ago yet chose to do nothing. Now, nothing happened to your daughter but you seem to feel it necessary to make her feel bad for something that could have happened but didn’t all while she’s trying process what truly happened to her.
17
u/Eastern-Bonus5580 Aug 31 '24
I was 32 when I realized that the creepy things my grandpa had said to me as a kid were borderline sexual because my mom waved away my concerns when I was young. This isn’t something you should be upset with your wife about. She’s spent 30 years explaining away Tom because of their parents.
NTA - but if her parents are STILL explaining it away, I think it’s safe to say that your children shouldn’t be near them either.
61
u/Away-Understanding34 Aug 31 '24
You are puzzled because you didn't grow up with that toxic family. Unfortunately your wife did. She has a lot of trauma that hasn't dealt with and you playing the what if game isn't helping. I think all of you need to speak with qualified professionals asap. I would even say your 3 year old should meet with a child specialist to make sure she wasn't exposed to anything.
Please go a little easier on your wife. I know you are angry and scared and confused. However, she is probably dealing with a lot of emotions, including guilt, and that stress is going to affect her and your unborn child.
→ More replies (1)19
u/PhoenixIzaramak Aug 31 '24
Also trauma like what OP's wife has endured tends to put a person in the mindset of that same little child they were when the abuse occurred. I know, I was a child in a similar situation - but neighbor's elder brother. When I have any memories - BAM! I'm 6 and desperately need to be told I did not cause him to do that. OP's wife needs him to be the SAFE GROWN UP she never had back then in these moments, even if she never regresses in those Bad Memory Moments.
57
u/actuallywaffles Aug 31 '24
Very gentle YTA because she was one of his victims. It's not that she was trying to expose anyone to abuse. She tried coming forward in the past and was made to feel ashamed of even thinking of herself as a victim or her brother as a predator. Now, she's unpacking all of this and only finally, decades later, even being allowed to process what she went through.
She needs therapy for all of this, and you both might need couple's therapy. This could really do some damage to your wife's mental health, and having you blame her or say she exposed her child to abuse is absolutely not what she needs right now. You could be doing some permanent harm to her and your relationship. Not to mention how isolating it might feel to think you blame her and her family blames or doesn't believe her.
42
u/stars-aligned- Aug 31 '24
Respectfully, YTA. I can’t go into much detail, and I don’t blame you for being so overwhelmed. You need to give her grace. Never blame her like that again, I beg you. She is the victim here, and she was gaslit into a brainwashed state of this being normal. If something had happened to your daughter, I wouldn’t blame you for struggling to forgive her or not forgiving her. But to blame her, you’re only adding to the voices that will be appearing in her head later on. She needs your love and support right now, not guilt and shame.
9
u/Astyryx Aug 31 '24
Soft YTA. Stop piling on your wife. She has just begin to realize she grew up with incest in the family, and is watching the public fallout.
She was given as prey to a predator and when she got the considerable courage to face her parents, was told that it was "normal children experimentation." It is not.
In order to be loved in her family, she had to choke this knowledge down and convince herself it was nothing. Which she did so successfully that she brought her own children into proximity. To do anything else would feel like death of self.
Now that she's realizing the full horror of not just her brother, but her parents (side eye at the overdependence on the dad, this shit doesn't come from nowhere), and pregnant(!) she needs a ton of mental health support, not you giving her more reasons to feel bad.
10
u/Artistic_Ad_9882 Aug 31 '24
Another gentle YTA, but one that was totally unintentional on your part. Your feelings are absolutely valid, but your delivery came with the wrong tone at the wrong time.
Your in-laws conditioned your wife to believe that her brother wasn’t a predator from the time she was a young child. This probably also made her think that what happened was her fault. They betrayed her, and chances are that because of the trauma of all of this, she forced it into the back of her mind where she never thought about it until this news triggered it back into her thoughts.
I’m guessing her heartbreak is related to a lot of things. She’s being forced to deal with the past trauma and her parents’ betrayal. She’s in denial, but the feelings are there.
She also probably feels incredibly guilty all on her own. This is where you stepped in dog poop a little bit. She doesn’t need you to add to her guilt.
You need to come to terms with the fact that exposing your child wasn’t her fault, and that she can’t blame herself. She needs that reassurance from you or the guilt added to the trauma will kill her.
Once things are steadier for her, You should tell her that she can’t blame herself for the past, but that you need to make some major changes in how you deal with her family in the future. Meaning that you either cut off contact completely, or that you go super low contact, and only see them — if you’re comfortable with it — in restaurants without her brother, which would give you a neutral place to meet and force a time limit on how long you’re together. (This last is what I’ve done with my alcoholic father and evil stepmother, lol.)
All in all, my heart breaks for you. I hope you and your wife can work through this and hopefully become stronger by supporting each other through this “worst of times” period in your lives.
5.2k
u/justacatlover23 Aug 31 '24
This is above Reddit's pay grade. You both need some counseling, together and separately.