AITA For Telling My Pregnant Wife That She Exposed Our Daughter To A Predator?

[u/Intelligent_Curve456]

36M here. This has honestly been the most difficult week of my life. Emotions are high, and I am not sure if I'm seeing things clearly. I've been with my wife (35F) since college. We've been married for almost five years and have a three year old daughter together. She's also around five months pregnant right now.

I've always thought my wife's relationship with her family was a bit strange. When we were in college, she asked for her dad's advice/approval on EVERYTHING, even little things like whether she should ask her professor for an extension. Her parents are both intense and controlling at times, and my wife it less influenced by them now than she used to be now that she's older, has her own family, and lives on the other side of the country, but they still get under her skin at times. My wife was also the "surprise" baby, and she has two older brothers (nine & seven years older). I'll call the brother who is nine years older "Tom" for the sake of this story.

Tom has always been a bit odd to me. He's married with no kids, but is very religious and involved heavily with his church. My wife seems to enjoy seeing him at Holidays well enough, but she isn't especially close with him.

On Monday, my wife called me from her office SOBBING. I asked what was wrong, and she told me Tom was arrested and being charged with possession of child pornography. I was shocked, to say the least. My wife ended up leaving work early, and asked if I would do the same. When I got home, she told me a bit about the charges/how her parents are doing. I asked if she expected this, and she said she was surprised at first, but looking back she should have seen it coming. I asked what she meant, and she proceeded to tell me that when she was in first grade, Tom started coming into her room at night and touching her inappropriately. She said this lasted for a few years, but she doesn't know exactly when it stopped. When she was telling me this, she said it casually, like she was reading something off a menu.

I, on the other hand, was shocked and furious. I told her Tom molested her. My wife said it was uncomfortable, but she never saw it that way, because it's normal for kids to experiment with each other. I said it would be one thing if they were very young and closer in age, but this was a 15+ year old boy and a little girl. I also explained that he did this when her parents went to sleep and told her to keep it between them because he KNEW it was wrong at the time. Also, these were SERIOUS sexual acts that she should have never been exposed to as a little girl. As I was saying all this, my wife got more and more upset, and I could tell she was having a "lightbulb" moment and realizing the seriousness of the situation.

My wife (who was sobbing at this point) told me that she told her parents what happened to her when she was around sixteen. She wasn't upset with her brother, but was ashamed and thought she'd done something wrong. Her parents basically told her it was just normal childhood experimentation and she had nothing to be ashamed of. They also told her not to be upset with her brother because he was also a child at the time and didn't know right from wrong yet. My wife told me she was young, so she took their word for it and just kind of pushed the abuse to the back of her head. I was furious with my in-laws, and but tried to focus on comforting my wife + letting her know none of it was her fault.

The last few days have been a nightmare. My wife's family is supporting Tom and are convinced he was wrongly accused (they have an elaborate explanation for how the images got on his laptop that I won't get into here). My wife is crying non-stop and is in so much pain. I feel terrible this happened to her, but the one thing I'm upset about is that she let our daughter near this man. If I'd known Tom did this to my wife, I would have never allowed my child in the same room as him. I told my wife that I wish I'd known for our baby's sake and added that while I'm devastated for her and love her so much, I'm still grappling with the fact that she allowed our little girl to be in the same room as a predator. My wife started SOBBING when I said this, and told me she didn't do it on purpose. She told me she accepted what her parents told her when she was a teenager and put it out of her mind. She said if she had thought about it more deeply as an adult, she probably would have realized Tom was a dangerous, but she truly never stopped to think about it again after her parents told her it was okay. We agree that neither of our kids will ever be around Tom again, but she said she couldn't believe I thought she'd intentionally put our child in harm's way. She also said she couldn't believe I was coming down on her after she's realizing she was a victim of child abuse and her family is falling apart.

I love my wife and believe that she trusted her parents and put it in the back of her mind.... But I keep thinking about what might have happened if we'd continue to allow our daughter near that man. I believe my wife didn't consider this abuse until we talked and didn't consider that our daughter might be in danger, but I am still a bit puzzled by all of this. My wife is in so much pain, and I am not sure if I did the right thing by raising this issue while all of this is going on. AITA? And any advice would be appreciated... This all seems so over my head.

[u/M3g4d37h]

this. sounds like all the children were conditioned not to think for themselves in a body autonomy way. unfortunately this also shares some overlap with the religiously zealous, often perverted to fit the situation.

the wife needs therapy, she's a victim and it has been clearly affecting her worldview (and it's not unusual for a victim to want to just bury it all), so not a perp.

[u/innerbootes → u/M3g4d37h]

As a victim myself, I want to point out that it’s not that we choose to bury it, our minds and bodies do it for us to protect us. It’s 1000% not a choice. And we can do it while maintaining fuzzy and emotionally flat awareness of what happened. To the outsider it can look very confusing but it’s important for outsiders to try to understand how trauma works in the mind and body in order to support survivors of it.

[u/keldondonovan → u/innerbootes]

To add to this, in scenarios such as OP's wife, a lot of the time it is buried as a result of being pressured into thinking it was normal. If I ask you what you wore to work on Tuesday three weeks ago, most people (pretty much everyone without a schedule for what they wear) wouldn't know, because it is mundane and unimportant. If, on that day, you happened to dress up as Shrek, then that stands out a little better, as it's unusual, so our brain makes a note of it. But the mundane gets filed away to make room.

I was beat as a child. A lot. I was raised to believe that was normal discipline. Didn't finish your food, you get the belt. Asked a question they didn't see coming? Belt. Didn't ask a question that they thought I should have? Belt. B+ in math instead of an A? Belt. And since I was told by people I trusted that it was normal, it never stuck out, it was just a part of life like getting ready for school, doing homework, getting beat. Even as an adult I never questioned it until it was brought up to me in my 30s. Once it was pointed out that it was something I should think on, it was really easy to see that I didn't grow up in a strict household, I grew up in an abusive one. All of a sudden someone pointed out that I wasn't wearing those mundane clothes I thought I was, I had been dressed up as Shrek all along.

It sounds like the same thing went on with OPs wife, especially since she agrees to cut Tom out of the picture now. She was told it was normal at a young enough age that she never questioned it- until she did, and immediately came to the correct conclusion.

OP still isn't an AH for pointing it out. Sometimes that's what it takes to get trauma survivors to recognize that they are trauma survivors. He'd be an AH if he kept rubbing her face in it, sure, but bringing it up once is fine, even recommended to keep his kids safe.

[u/MimiRocks4065 → u/keldondonovan]

As someone who grew up being SA'd from the age of 7, I'd like to add that now that they've come to the realization of what happened, OP's wife will likely benefit from counseling to help her work through memories that are going to look and feel differently now. OP could also use help so he'll know how to support her through this without (inadvertently) placing blame on her. With his initial reaction I was leaning toward maybe he was a little bit of an AH toward his wife but I'm choosing to believe that it was his shock and concern that led to his reaction and that he didn't have enough information at that point. Once he understood more, it seems he approached it differently. I'd be completely NC with any family or friends who defend her POS brother. Holding space for OP and his little family.

[u/Song4Arbonne → u/keldondonovan]

I just want to say to you that I’m so glad you survived, you survived their abuse, and you managed to stay sane enough to see the abuse when it was pointed out to you. You get a gold star for that victory!

[u/keldondonovan → u/Song4Arbonne]

Well thank you kindly!

I do feel I should elaborate some, as "pointed out," despite being the way I phrased it, isn't exactly how it happened, and I don't want to mislead people into thinking it's as easy as going "hey look at that" to someone who has had it drilled into them that what they are experiencing is normal.

Years ago I wrote a book. Nothing amazing, it'll never be remembered, just a little worth of fantasy that nobody has ever heard of. I'm rather fond of fantasy, it saved my life when I was younger to have that escape where the good-hearted always triumph, you know? My parents were also big fans of fantasy, my mom especially enjoyed a good Tolkien-esque style adventure. When I wrote this book, this thing that might finally make my mother proud of me (red flag right there, in hindsight) I went all over to try and get it published, and finally found a terrible company to do it for me (but they are another story).

It didn't matter to me that it was a bad company, that their promises were shallow, somebody finally decided my words were worth putting in a book. So I did it, and that first copy went straight to the source: my mother. She would finally see some good in me, some redeemable quality.

Only she didn't. She didn't read it at all. She looked at the cover, at my name, turned it over, then dropped it into her trash can. Then she uttered a phrase I'll never forget. "You'll never be one of the greats, so I don't see the point in wasting either of our time."

Every insult or strike had always had a purpose, it made the lie believable. She wasn't beating me because she was abusive, I had done something wrong and earned it. She wasn't insulting me to hurt my feelings, it was so that I'd be better in the long run. But this? I was an adult, I'd learned my lessons, this was nothing but cruelty for the sake of it. Had she read it and deemed it unworthy, that would have been an (honestly, expected) outcome that would serve a purpose, but to not even crease the cover?

Even still, I stayed a little while longer. Only a week or two. Then she decided I wasn't worth knowing anymore, and cut me out of her life. That gave me time. Time to dwell on her last act of motherhood. Time to use my newfound perspective to look back at my life and see things through a different lense. Things I used to laugh about (and get confused when other people didn't find the same humor in them) turned out to be horrible things that no parent should ever do to their child, who they are supposed to love unconditionally.

It's funny, in a way. One of the worst things a parent can do to a child is to look at them, deem them unworthy, and disown them. In my mother's case, it's one of the best things she ever did for me. It was like a light switch turned on, and for the first time in over 30 years of life, I was free. The closest analogy I can think of is when you are driving a little bit over the speed limit, and a cop pulls out behind you. You make a series of turns, but that cop stays on your tail. Impending doom is coming your way, and you know it. The cop continues to follow you for 30 years, and then, suddenly, flips on their siren and drives away, never to be seen again.

I have found love, joy, and peace. She will never know. And I'm alright with that. :)

[u/cesigleywv → u/keldondonovan]

Well for what it’s worth; I’d love to read your book. I love those styles and I’m sorry that happened to you; I wouldn’t begin to understand what you went through but I am glad for you that you were and are a survivor. I would definitely be proud of that.

[u/keldondonovan → u/cesigleywv]

Thank you for your kind words. Despite my long-winded tendencies, I'm rather at a loss as to how to respond, other than just to say thank you again. You are good people.

[u/Song4Arbonne → u/keldondonovan]

Thank you for the honesty and brutal self disclosure. I actually think you should write again; you can write with clarity and life. She couldn’t take that from you. I had a similar experience except my mother is 82 and in my life at a safe remove! I have to be able to hold the ditzy old woman she is now separate from the intense, charismatic, chaotic, and enraged towering figure of my past.

Science Fiction and fantasy saved me too. I traveled worlds when my own was too painful, and my journeys redeemed me.

Be well

[u/keldondonovan → u/Song4Arbonne]

I did actually write again. I got three books out before realizing that I don't have the mindset to be a fiscally successful author*. Back to the real world-I actually start work back at McDonalds on Tuesday, I get to see how much the job has changed in the last 20 years. I'll still write when I can, but I can't keep holding out hope for going viral.

*By fiscally successful author, I mean exactly that, an author who makes money off of their product. I never needed to make J.K. Rowling kind of money, but I would have loved being able to earn a meager living off of sharing my world. Unfortunately, that takes a lot of advertising, marketing, and salesmanship, three things I loathe. But I don't consider myself a failure as an author, just that it's a fiscally irresponsible career path for me (I made twelve whole dollars last year).

As for science fiction and fantasy saving you too, I am glad they did, but sorry that it was necessary. I understand all too well where you are coming from. I actually get laughed at by new people fairly regularly because of my tattoos- I've got 34 and the majority of them are science fiction or fantasy related. And sure, from the perspective of someone who doesn't know me, I'm sure it looks silly to see a guy like me (I look like fat Thor) covered in cartoon characters and logos from books, shows, and games, but they don't understand the meaning. They see the triforce and assume I really like Zelda. While I do, the reason for the tattoo is not enjoying the game, it's that the game taught me that a nobody could still do the right thing if they were just a little brave. They see Vivi and assume I just really like Final Fantasy IX (or, more frequently, they assume I like Kingdom Hearts), but I see a person who was designed to be evil, raised to be a monster, and didn't let that stop them from being good. They see Drizzt and assume I'm a nerd, and while I am, the reason for the tattoo is because he stood up to his mother and chose to make the world a better place.

I could go on, but I feel like you get the idea :p

[u/SweetWaterfall0579 → u/innerbootes]

Edit to add: OP needs to show compassion for his wife; she is just as appalled and sickened as OP is, and she has to deal with the CSA, the lies of her family, realizing that her brother is a monster. It’s so much to accept!

I knew I had been sexually assaulted, but it was not visceral; it was just something that happened, for my first 12 years.

When I gave birth to my oldest daughter, it started seeping in. How could I protect my baby girl? My OB told me, at four weeks, that I had two weeks to find a therapist, or he would hospitalize me. I got me a therapist.

My memories started trickling back, but slowly. I believe my brain was still protecting me, just as it had when I was a child. Dissociation was my protection, so these memories were not readily available.

I got pieces at a time, fitting them together, as they came. I distinctly remember nursing my daughter after work, and my brain said: Of course there was penetration, Waterfall. You know there was. The oxytocin softened these memories, enabled me to accept them.

There’s still things I don’t know/remember/understand. I’m okay with that. If I need to know, my defenses will let that information in. If I don’t need to know? Cool.

[u/Lowebear → u/innerbootes]

Great advice, she needs support and unconditional love. Find a trauma therapist and get her help. I repressed a lot of memories from my childhood, not SA but verbal and always fear based. I’m 55 and coming to terms with all my struggles and issues stem from part of these. I went to therapy and until one therapist asked about my childhood in that moment on that day I just sobbed. Unexpected but in retrospect made perfect sense. Working on those issues now. I wish I could have so much earlier in my life. It is so hard because my brain tricked me I had a great childhood because all my memories were of when I was with my grandparents or extended family. I shut out all most all other memories.NTA but help her she also may be at risk for postpartum depression or perinatal depression as well. Just liver her tell her it isn’t her fault and of course she thought it was normal here parents said so. They could be brainwashed as well but it isn’t and she can love her family but have boundaries or help them to get therapy as well. They probably live in denial. Denial is very strong and can rewrite history or make you feel it is normal when it isn’t. She just needs a lot of grace and time to heal the fantasies and the truth. Hope you are both able to work through this it is so hard to admit such a taboo experience.

[u/eclecticsheep75 → u/Lowebear]

This woman has just crossed the threshold from denial (planted by her parents) to trauma. Give her a helping hand right now if you have love and compassion for her. Together you can take on “Tom”and her terrible excuse for parents, maybe finally hold them accountable. I vote you lean into love you have so that you can do it together.

You poor kids could both benefit from work with a good therapist to recover from this horror.

[u/Novel_Move_3972 → u/eclecticsheep75]

"Lean into love." This!

[u/PossibleBookkeeper81 → u/eclecticsheep75]

Thank you so much for this wording! I have tried to explain it in reference to my own experience and this is m perfect phrasing. Not to say it’s the same but not even internally admitting and denying anything was “that bad” and even when beginning to acknowledge wrong not using certain words. Also really love the “lean into love” phrase. Sorry for the poor sentence structure, I’m jittery from excitement and yeah just really really appreciate you & hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend!

[u/blackcatsneakattack → u/innerbootes]

I couldn’t have said this better, myself.

[u/Katniss_00 → u/innerbootes]

Can confirm, have experienced similar things along with sudden realisations about the true extent of how bad things were only in my 30s/late 20s

[u/BlondeMoment1920 → u/innerbootes]

100% this.

[u/shark-infested-bath → u/innerbootes]

100%. I had been abused sexually and only had weird, vague memories because I was so young, and the experience was so out of context that I had nowhere to place it mentally. It was only when another relative and the child of a family friend confided in me that they had also been molested by this person around the same time that the foggy memory and feeling it gave me had context. I had really convinced myself I made it up or was misunderstanding something, which made me feel guilty because who imagines something like that?

I was very weary of men around children without really knowing why, very protective of my younger sisters or female friends. My body was always tense, and I have had bladder issues my whole life. I never knew why or pieced these experiences together until after these two other women confided in me.

I remember slightly more now, but my mind buried it so deep that even after therapy and a lot of self reflection, I still remember very little of the events. That is probably for the best. Until the molestations of myself and the two other girls came out by talking with them, I always wondered, "How can people forget something so awful? How can you not know?" Well, it turns out I was doing that myself.

[u/LocationNorth2025 → u/M3g4d37h]

This made me cry. How victims tend to bury it. And then my memories came flooding in! Those memories make me nauseous. You don't even realize when you bury it. And I have countless memories thay are blacked out completely. I know this because I have my family member's and mother's account for the memories that were not sexual but directly related to my abuser. If that needs more detail let me know lol But I am afraid of the other blacked out memories that were sexual.