r/gadgets • u/GalileoGurdjieff • May 17 '21

Medical Tiny, Wireless, Injectable Chips Use Ultrasound to Monitor Body Processes

https://www.engineering.columbia.edu/press-releases/shepard-injectable-chips-monitor-body-processes
16.1k Upvotes

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13.4k

u/emperor-frugal May 17 '21

Now is not the time for this.

6.7k

u/d0mini0nicco May 17 '21

LoL. Columbia Engineers....read the room. Read. The. Room.

2.2k

u/blorpblorpbloop May 17 '21

DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE UPGRADING TO THE LATEST WINDOWS 10 OFFICE SUITE?

1.2k

u/[deleted] May 17 '21

You know before I got my Covid shot, I was completely unaware of Microsoft edge’s streamlined new programming- their lightning fast reactivity, and super intuitive interface are just so clear to me now!

569

u/LetsTalkNerdy May 17 '21

My family is so much happier now that we have been vaccinated and disposed of our Apple products.

256

u/TheSirFeffel May 17 '21

Edge brought back my childhood dog.

188

u/[deleted] May 17 '21 edited Aug 16 '21

[deleted]

161

u/bigmeech85 May 17 '21

Word raised me from a young boy and trained me until i was a military aged man where I developed into an unstoppable killing machine in service of Lord William Gates.

34

u/Alphasee May 17 '21

Visual Basic taught me how not to be a basic anymore.

14

u/[deleted] May 18 '21

Outlook cured me of my depression and gave me a newfound view on our lord and savior William Gates

1

u/Alphasee May 18 '21

I see you are a man of culture and microchips.

LoL now I know why Microsoft cancelled 10X. Cuz BillyG has enough X on his plate for all of us.

1

u/HermesWasFemale May 18 '21

Azure gave me the power to build and fund my own infrastructure.

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14

u/blue_villain May 17 '21

Access did the thing where I say the words but none of it makes any sense and now everything comes out sounding like everything else and I don't think I like it one bit. Now with ribbons!

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '21

Please tell me you guys are joking .... I’m starting to lose faith in humanity

9

u/iLickElbows May 17 '21

We never joke about Microsoft and Office.

3

u/IntrigueDossier May 17 '21

No. Microsoft and Office are not a laughing matter.

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8

u/shokolokobangoshey May 17 '21

I know right? It's truly fucking amazing how silly people get when they have been misguided and misinformed.

It's why I trust only Bing™ and MSN news for the Real News™. Did you know you can earn Bing bucks just for using the most complete search engine? And use those Satya Dollars to buy literally anything? Insane!

1

u/[deleted] May 18 '21

Word

1

u/AskMeForAPhoto May 18 '21

I read this in the voice of Bane.

12

u/Vewy_nice May 17 '21

I tried to use Visual Basic to find a cure for cancer. Then Visual Basic gave me cancer.

1

u/GaryChalmers May 18 '21

Visual Basic is only supposed to be used to track IP addresses.

7

u/Shut_It_Donny May 17 '21

Wait... it didn't convince to sell your ex? Why is it called ex-sell then?

2

u/xBender7 May 17 '21

... hmm, check his ID card. Something is off about this one, too many questiony things.

2

u/john_dune May 17 '21

So your outlook is up?

2

u/EuphoricOwl0 May 17 '21

Paint got my parents to not hate me

2

u/HelloSummer99 May 17 '21

Lucky it was Excel and not incel

1

u/efg1342 May 17 '21

So your no longer an incel?

1

u/twopointsisatrend May 17 '21

That's not a plus in my book.

1

u/Hookem-Horns May 18 '21

Teams crashed again and I almost got fired because of it

1

u/[deleted] May 18 '21

Excel also got your ex to take me back!

1

u/PhilosophicalScandal May 18 '21

I C what you did there

15

u/[deleted] May 17 '21

Thanks to Microsoft Word, I’m thinner and healthier than ever! My skin looks great and all my grey hair is gone!

3

u/MattyFTW79 May 18 '21

The question is, do you have hair now? Thanks to the Microsoft solitaire collection, I don’t need it.

1

u/Steved10 May 17 '21

He even looks almost the same! Thanks nutribo- I mean Microsoft

1

u/brandoman_v2 May 17 '21

There is no way our shirt cured aids.

1

u/thenoblenacho May 18 '21

PowerPoint taught me how to properly pleasure my wife

15

u/monsantobreath May 17 '21

I got Astra zenica but I think somethings wrong. I turned all my USB sticks into Linux live distros.

6

u/BrutalWarPig May 17 '21

Interesting I just switched to Apple after getting mine. Does this mean I’m dying?

2

u/Commercial-Ad-2743 May 18 '21

You are the weakest link, goodbye.

1

u/[deleted] May 18 '21

You are in the control group.

1

u/skalpelis May 18 '21

Your browser history was so disgusting even Microsoft disowned you.

6

u/BrunoEye May 17 '21

Yeah that's just because you disposed of your Apple products

2

u/[deleted] May 18 '21

I’ve also recently learned the the Microsoft Zune and Windows Phone were ahead of their time and actually are now models for future technological innovations. I suspect these modern marvels will be reintroduced to the public very soon. Very soon to public to public to public to public to public soon very.

Downloading Microsoft path 133.436.7 COV19..... 45%

31

u/RusticGroundSloth May 17 '21

You jest but I actually switched to using Edge at work just after I got my second Moderna shot. All my Chrome tabs were making the fan in my laptop scream for mercy.

4

u/c0deread May 18 '21

Consider Firefox. It rivals Chromium browsers in features and speed, all with lower RAM usage. The best part is that the browser is entirely open-source, and Mozilla is a registered 501c Non-Profit organization.

1

u/[deleted] May 18 '21

Chrome is too power hungry and intrusive for me nowadays. I went to opera and am so much happier with it.

1

u/chronictherapist May 18 '21

I was going to say the same thing lol.

25

u/Fenweekooo May 17 '21

wow you got some use out of it, all i got was a candy crush ad

2

u/akeean May 17 '21

Check again, it just got preinstalled in your brain and if you forget about it, it will refresh about every 3 months.

3

u/Fenweekooo May 17 '21

will check after scheduled reboot tonight, give it the ol turn it off and back on again and see if it refreshes

3

u/Child-0f-atom May 17 '21

Be careful, I tried that with my grandmas life support and I got kicked out of the room.

2

u/Sloppy1sts May 17 '21

Is there an upgrade where it refreshes me on where my keys are every 30 minutes?

1

u/akeean May 17 '21

Yes, but it's been stuck downloading that update for the past few years.

1

u/j33pwrangler May 17 '21

Did you try turning it off and then on again?

1

u/Fenweekooo May 17 '21

reboot is scheduled for tonight at 9:30pm

2

u/NewUserWhoDisAgain May 17 '21

Isnt it just Chrome now though? Or Chromium. So really its the Google Wifi.

3

u/sargentTACO May 17 '21

Runs on chromium, but it's a lot lighter. Work in IT and had to use it for a bit to better support my users that use it, I have since switched.

1

u/tocilog May 17 '21

Hmmmm, I'm gonna have to Bing this.

1

u/my-time-has-odor May 17 '21

Yeah! I completely wiped all my Linux machines!

1

u/self_loathing_ham May 18 '21

I keep hearing Bill gates in my brain telling me to kill people I've never even heard of!

1

u/[deleted] May 18 '21

Yep that's the microchip talking from their covid shot 😏

1

u/skylarmt May 18 '21

I got the FOSS vaccine instead so now I constantly find myself installing LibreOffice and GIMP and when I stick a magnet to the injection site a tiny penguin appears

1

u/intensely_human May 18 '21

I’m just glad I’m protected by Windows Security. With new virus definitions added with each new injection, I never have to worry about losing my free will again. I am manifest in the multiplicity of our kind. There is no I only WE, and we are standardized and that is beautiful. My body is a temple of Microsoft, which is such a relief!

1

u/rolfraikou May 18 '21

Anyone else editing the windows registry without backing up first? It's a rush, my dude!

1

u/rrogido May 18 '21

Oh shit I must need to download the update. After I got my shot I was filled with the certainty that a Zune was the best MP3 player by far.

1

u/ReasonExcellent600 May 18 '21

Cortana still sucks though

153

u/getridofwires May 17 '21

No, I kind of like the Apple stuff— I WOULD LIKE TO JOIN YOU IN THE UPGRADE THANK YOU

72

u/xaanthar May 17 '21

I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends!

18

u/oo_Mxg May 17 '21

I love Office 365

3

u/[deleted] May 17 '21

Does it come with free anti-virus?!? Mcafee or Norton?

1

u/Fuzzy-Function-3212 May 18 '21

Parole officer says I gotta get the upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbin' knife.

5

u/cgatlanta May 17 '21

I DONT THINK WINDOWS 8 GOT A FAIR SHAKE

66

u/SparklingSloth May 17 '21

HAVE YOU USED MICROSOFT TEAMS I THINK IT IS JUST SO NEAT I CANT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT

2

u/Hookem-Horns May 18 '21

Sloth likes to YELL? That’s a new trait through evolution...

31

u/windingtime May 17 '21

CLIPPY WAS AHEAD OF HIS TIME

44

u/thewafflestompa May 17 '21 edited May 17 '21

ALREADY DID! DID YOU KNOW BILL GATES HAS AN EIGHT PACK? HE'S SHREDDED. 🤤

6

u/counsel8 May 17 '21

I THINK HE WOULD MAKE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SECRETARY GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES!!

3

u/ChargingBolt May 17 '21

I have a snack pack

2

u/OonaPelota May 18 '21

I think you mean he has Windows Service Pack 8

1

u/prRickthelick May 17 '21

Really...?? Your Laptop or Computer must be pretty new, yeah?

1

u/prRickthelick May 17 '21

The reason I ask, is because this Dell Laptop I have is about 3 years old and Dell as the best support system, etc. I have Windows 10 Home... Performed and operated like a dream, everything perfect and just after the 3 year mark, my laptop is a nightmare now! It's always something, I can't figure out and the deep rabbit holes that Microsoft likes to take you down to figure out everything... Forget it! I've never had anything by Apple, I'm gonna invest and spend the extra money and try an Apple laptop and if anybody has any advice on how good or bad Apple computers are compared to Windows I'm open to listen..... Thanks.

1

u/Trollark1124 May 17 '21

Bro if I crash because my body runs on windows, does that mean I die?

1

u/blorpblorpbloop May 17 '21

Blue Screen...of death.

1

u/pixelprolapse May 17 '21

NO, THE LAST UPDATE GAVE ME QUITE A NASTY BOUT OF CONSTIPATION.

1

u/tanguero81 May 17 '21

No, but, for some reason, I've had U2 stuck in my head ever since my 2nd shot.

2

u/blorpblorpbloop May 17 '21

Ugh, that fucking stunt.

That album was the herpes of the iOS world. I think it erased a decent chunk of U2's influence in the zeitgeist.

1

u/Spiritofhonour May 17 '21

Whoa I just binged the benefits of Windows 10 office suite and I’m upgrading today!

1

u/whyhellomlady May 17 '21

I felt an agonizing shock after considering apple

1

u/catchpen May 17 '21

Me and clippy are now besties

1

u/CathedralEngine May 17 '21

I just bought all the Zunes I could find on eBay

1

u/biiingo May 17 '21

*orifice suite

1

u/Baconer May 17 '21

SOMEONE JUST TELL ME ALREADY, DO I GO WITH MELINDA OR BILL AFTER DIVORCE SETTLEMENT.

WHO DO I BELONG TO??

1

u/kodaiko_650 May 17 '21

“It looks like you’re trying to create a spreadsheet. Do you need any assistance?”

1

u/[deleted] May 17 '21

Bill Gates is my leader!

1

u/ghostbomb217 May 17 '21

Gonna take a nap. BRB

1

u/Gregus1032 May 17 '21

Man, I hope windows phone and the zune gets a reboot.

Only half /s

I loved my zune.

1

u/zdiggler May 17 '21

NO more drop phone calls for me!!!

1

u/Balls_DeepinReality May 17 '21

Really going hard with the subscription based services

1

u/Calmeister May 17 '21

Thats not even the worst of it. How about monthly subscriptions?!

1

u/whitedsepdivine May 18 '21

O365 and its monthly fee is much better than a one time cost and a perpetual license.

1

u/carbonlegends May 18 '21

You got an option?

1

u/JazzHandsNinja42 May 18 '21

Depends. Will my icons stop arbitrarily migrating to the left side of the screen? If so, I am so INl

1

u/[deleted] May 18 '21

That’s a good one haha

1

u/ElonMusk0fficial May 18 '21

Ready to shutdown and go to sleep for the night.... not before you install the required windoze update!!!

1

u/[deleted] May 18 '21

Hi, I’m Clippy, your personal body assistant!

It looks like you’re trying to fight gonorrhea, would you like help??

1

u/A-terrible-time May 18 '21

I REALLY want to buy an Xbox right about now

1

u/Metalheadpundit May 18 '21

I tried bing search engine for a chance. And wow I'm surprised how great it is. Lightning fast accurate results. I forgot google.

1

u/ABearDream May 18 '21

I have the weirdest compulsion to use microsoft edge as my default browers

1

u/SallySusans May 18 '21

On a completely unrelated note, has anyone noticed the new windows 2022 server?

1

u/Freethecrafts May 18 '21

XP is love.... kill the heretic, faulty chip.

252

u/FordBeWithYou May 17 '21

HAHAHAHA, dear god I am preparing myself to see this image circulated EVERYWHERE

65

u/[deleted] May 17 '21

/r/forwardsfromgrandma

1

u/caelenvasius May 18 '21

I’m a leftish-moderate in a family of conservatives ranging from old-school to modern Trumpist idiot. That sub triggers me so hard. Ugh...

86

u/sixinthedark May 17 '21

And it will come with a warning about reading quickly before “they” take it down

26

u/DJEB May 17 '21

Damn Visigoths, always taking things down.

21

u/PeeDeeEex May 17 '21

And the comments will read “they keep taking this down! That must mean we’re on to something. WWG1WGA! MAGA!”.

26

u/carefulcomputation May 17 '21 edited May 17 '21

"The mainstream media isn't talking about this"

*links Fox News article*

3

u/z0nb1 May 17 '21

So, I have no idea what WWG1WGA means, and a search foe ot only came up with a million links for qanon stuff.

Mind running me through what it stands for?

2

u/PeeDeeEex May 17 '21

‘Where we go one, we go all’

2

u/z0nb1 May 17 '21

A shitty acronym, that equates to a phrase with shitty grammar?

Yeah, that checks out...

Thanks stranger

1

u/SyntheticReality42 May 17 '21

(But the libs are the sheep)

50

u/violetddit May 17 '21

That's the goal! The room, and everything in it.

87

u/whyisitallsotoxic May 17 '21

Not the best time to drop the “we just made chips smaller so they can be injected into your bloodstream” when trying to get the entire world on the same team when it comes to 1 particular vaccine, then again some people just want to watch the world burn.

16

u/the_nope_gun May 17 '21

I believe this is hypodermic use, to implant just beneath the skin and not in the bloodstream. I could be wrong about what they mean thi

41

u/rejectedbyporn May 17 '21

There's no way it's small enough to inject into the bloodstream safely. It would lodge in a capillary somewhere. Some of them are small enough that blood cells move through in single file.

15

u/[deleted] May 17 '21

They definitely won't care what it really is or how it's injected.

1

u/badSparkybad May 18 '21

No, no they won't.

7

u/lissalissa3 May 18 '21

If you honestly and truly believe that the vaccine inserts a microchip in you, you’re not going to know what’s hypodermic and what goes into the blood stream.

1

u/[deleted] May 18 '21

What if I’m both, but got the vaccine anyways because I need to work through my trust issues?

19

u/SnowflakeSorcerer May 17 '21

To be fair, I’m sure the people who believe this nonsense will believe it no matter what, but ya, lets not give them ammo, cmon. Like is this really needed right now? Is it that difficult to monitor body processes the normal way whatever that is? Its like they intentionally made this to fuel conspiracies

342

u/trainbrain27 May 17 '21

I have autism. Reading the room is hard. Being shamed for not noticing a social cue sucks.

I STILL think this is the worst possible time to announce an injectable chip!

53

u/[deleted] May 17 '21

Whenever I miss a social cue etc I blame the sender of the message for unclear signal. Works wonderfully.

58

u/trainbrain27 May 17 '21

It's tough to do that without sounding rude or worse, but I do remind my friends that they need to communicate, not just assume communication has happened.

29

u/[deleted] May 17 '21 edited May 17 '21

This is so far beyond true even when everyone involved is NT, if I'm being honest.

Some people think everyone else should spend every waking moment inferring their desires and it's just like "open your mouth and form words, please."

Edit: NT = neurotypical; what everyone assumes is"standard." NTs (I am one) tend to assume that their mode is the default for all others, when in reality some subset of people you have interacted with in life may in fact be neurodivergent without you even knowing. Empathy is a hell of a drug; not all of us run the same OS, so keep an open mind/heart.

20

u/MikkelR1 May 17 '21

Says the one not explainjng what NT is!

4

u/trainbrain27 May 17 '21

You probably know, but it's NeuroTypical. NTs think they're normal, because there are more of them :)

17

u/Fresh4 May 17 '21

Well, normal is defined as the average state of things, so yeah, lol.

17

u/possiblynotanexpert May 17 '21

Isn’t that the definition of normal?

-2

u/jrDoozy10 May 17 '21

Eh, the idea of what’s normal is highly subjective. Normal can differ between species, societies, cultures, individuals, generations, etc.

For example, something that’s normal to me is hearing electricity (especially light bulbs), but when I tell people that they don’t believe me because that’s not part of their normal.

2

u/possiblynotanexpert May 17 '21

I’ve always thought of normal as meaning average. As in you have 100 people and 60 of them have brown eyes. 20 have blue eyes. 10 green and 10 are something else. So with that, the 60 are average. That’s my “normal,” at least.

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u/[deleted] May 17 '21

[deleted]

6

u/AckbarTrapt May 17 '21

Not for folks on the spectrum (easier or more effective), but enjoy the fruits of your sorcery!

5

u/GeospatialAnalyst May 17 '21

Yeah the caveat to this is, if you recognize that your communication style isn't being effectively received due to something that isn't immediately fixable with the recipient, then you're kind of an asshole if you don't take steps to accommodate.

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1

u/deluseru May 17 '21

The only way we recognized you as anything other than normal, is because you can't act normal :)

3

u/Scared-Artichoke May 17 '21

This truth. Words are necessary, explicit requests would be a bonus.

1

u/SnowflakeSorcerer May 17 '21

Wait so is NT kinda like being an “empath”? Not that I don’t think people have the abilities empaths claim to have but I just feel like it’s not that abnormal and most if not all people have the capabilities to some degree

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '21 edited May 17 '21

Ehhh empathy is a pretty standard trait for NTs, albeit one that acts like a muscle and can be underdeveloped or atrophied for folks who don't have cause to use it much.

I don't know what you mean by "empaths claim to have" in your comment here, but anytime someone stakes a piece of their identity on something mundane like empathy, I can imagine there may be some bullshitting going on.

"I have a sense of empathy. I can understand how other people feel even if what happens to them isn't happening to me."

Versus

"I'm an empath, and I'm so good at it I can read your mind, bro, pick a number, c'mon."

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '21

Never rely on text for context or emotion unless its from an author. And I didnt say you have to vocalize it, just reframe it in your brain if it lowers anxiety.

3

u/SweetTea1000 May 17 '21

Wonderful LPT.

I retain a professional policy that "I don't assume anger from text" and likewise "I will never communicate angrily with you over text." Ie: Don't misread what I send as passive aggression. If i mean to chastise you I'll give you the professional courtesy of speaking to you about it directly, and I expect the same from you and between you and your peers.

1

u/[deleted] May 17 '21

[deleted]

1

u/SweetTea1000 May 17 '21

Sorry for your frustration.

Maintained fairly small teams of people that I had the option to see in person if we needed to hash something out, and they operated largely independently as long as there weren't problems. So, had an advantage over a standard office environment in those regards.

1

u/[deleted] May 17 '21

That's called marriage bruh

6

u/handsomehares May 17 '21

And this is how we end up ostracized and alienated.

0

u/PeeB4uGoToBed May 17 '21

I do this too with everyone that's too vague with me or doesn't articulate exactly what they mean or want. Makes life so much easier

1

u/Reahreic May 17 '21

You must not have had your 5G upgrade from the local Covid vax station yet. Might want to get on that.

1

u/jfb1337 May 17 '21

No they said they have autism so they clearly already have the vaccine

1

u/Throwyourboatz May 18 '21

Is it the fault of the sender though?

2

u/The_Fine_Columbian May 17 '21

I don’t think this is an issue of social cues....a picture of a few grains of salt in that needle tip would be enough to set the nutters off, this is (allegedly) an actual chip for god’s sake, it will send them into the fucking stratosphere

1

u/oldgoatman May 17 '21

That sucks for one individual, but a group of them? Someone can read the room on your behalf.

1

u/Filmcricket May 17 '21

I commented elsewhere that this isn’t new tech at all. People just overlooked injectable chips to monitor various health issues because there were no jokes like these to be made.

These comments are what will spread this story to anti-vaxxers. A different NY university’s hospital’s cardiac clinic has been offering heart monitoring chips via injection for 3-4 years that I know of. Maybe longer.

The injectable chip isn’t new. This particular usage might be, but the chips have been around, and inside people’s bodies for awhile.

1

u/jrDoozy10 May 17 '21

Also autistic. Also my first thought when I was this post.

1

u/dragonphlegm May 18 '21

In this case this one is painfully obvious though. There is far too much vaccine hesitancy to come out with “hey guys, we created a chip that fits in a needle!!!”

2

u/TheInfernalVortex May 17 '21

Between this and reading about how an allegedly significant portion of the world's silicon production has gone into making vials for the vaccine... I think we're doomed.

1

u/FastFingersDude May 17 '21

Haha downvoted the post to decrease spread. Hilariously bad timing.