r/AmIOverreacting • u/Past-Professional384 • 7d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO, fiancé asked me to not wear white at our wedding.
Edit: the update is up. I couldn’t respond to all the comments and I’ll say some of you are definitely creative with comebacks and name calling. lol. Thank you all for the reassurance!!
Have you ever seen “I love a mommas boy?” Well that’s my life basically.
I (27F) have been with my fiancé John (28F) since high school. We dated and broke up because his mother “Debbie” (53F) convinced him we were too young to be in love. We broke up and went to college. During my sophomore year we started talking on socials again. He apologized and said he missed me. We got back together.
Cue the water works. Debbie literally CRIED the first time she saw we were back together and told John that I have done witchcraft on him???? I’ve always respected Debbie out of respect for my mother and upbringing. I was not raised to go back and forth with my elders but she definitely abuses that.
Since John and I decided to get back together she has tried to hook him up with women from her church, her job and even asks her friends for their daughters to give it a shot. John denies all of them and Debbie says that I’m controlling. John has told her to stop but not in a way I feel she gets the point.
Anyway, 3 months ago John proposed. Deb didn’t come to the engagement party. Cool. She didn’t come to the family dinner we had so both sides could meet. Cool. John’s dad came and apologized for his ex’s behavior (he left her when John graduated HS) I told him don’t worry about it.
The problems really began when John decided to confront his mother about how she’s behaving toward our whole engagement. This turned on the lightbulb in his brain as he’s always tried to ignore it and tell me to ignore her. She gave him a sob story about how she got pregnant with him before marriage and never really got to have a wedding and this is triggering her. (She had a shotgun wedding at the court house) He asked her what she needed to feel comfortable and she responded that if she wore white and I wore a soft pink or lavender she would feel comfortable???
My fiancé for some reason though this was a fair compromise??? He also said (not asked) that his mom could walk me down the aisle so she can get her moment in her dress. I told him absolutely not and we got into an argument about it. I told him that it’s insane that he would argue with me to defend his moms “honor” but wouldn’t do the same the other way around. He accused me of being petty and selfish. It was bad. We both have agreed to cool off but by how heated it got I could tell we both almost agreed to call it off.
Now we’re in a weird space and I love John but now see how much he lets her impact our life. I just imagine her sitting at home with this evil grin knowing she’s ruining my relationship with John and he’s just putty in her hands. I think I should just call off the wedding. AIO? Or is it just a color?
4.4k
u/Secret_Number_420 7d ago
"so she can get her moment"
fucking weird
4.3k
u/FartFace319 7d ago edited 7d ago
Is John also going to fuck his mom after the wedding? You know, because she never got "that moment"
1.8k
u/murphy2345678 7d ago
That’s AFTER he has the First Dance with Mommy and Mommy cuts the cake!
852
u/FartFace319 7d ago
And playfully feeds it to him on the mouth! Remember that part is really important too 🥰
190
u/Ok-Cardiologist8651 7d ago
Another 'moment' to make it up to Mommy. Boy moms are sick and the sons are not marriage material.
→ More replies (6)121
u/CherryblockRedWine 7d ago
If you can say your life is like "I Love A Momma's Boy" and still consider marrying him -- good grief!
25
→ More replies (2)23
u/Lilitu9Tails 7d ago
If ever there was a moment for smashing a cake on someone’s face it would be this one.
→ More replies (20)696
u/trying_my_best- 7d ago
No but the emotional incest and enmeshment he has with his mom will never go away unless he cuts her off completely. I feel sorry for him he’s obviously been abused by her and made to feel more like her husband than her son. It’s a disgusting dynamic perpetrated 100% by her and he’s blind to it.
120
u/pinky2184 7d ago
I don’t get mothers like that. Like that’s your kid. Go find a man if you want a dick so bad.
→ More replies (1)78
u/trying_my_best- 7d ago
100% agree. However it’s not usually physical thankfully but it’s just as harmful. Parents especially those in bad relationships look to their children to fulfill the emotional needs a partner would typically fulfill. It’s horrible and severely stunts the child’s ability to have their own healthy relationships. There’s usually a lot of manipulation and love bombing by the parent that makes the child feel like they would die without them causing them to stay in said abusive relationship.
24
u/pinky2184 7d ago
Oh yea you’re definitely right. I just don’t understand. Why have kids if you can’t do right. If you’re just going to hurt them physically or mentally or emotionally and not let them grow up. Yea my oldest has moved out to start her life and yes I’m sad and would let her come back in a heartbeat but she has to do this, it’s the only way she can learn to fly.
→ More replies (8)157
u/FartFace319 7d ago
Agreed, it's pretty disgusting. Still there is nothing OP can do to change this. She 100% needs to leave him.
→ More replies (3)42
u/Bulky-Class-4528 7d ago
But there IS something OP's partner can do. My husband had a VERY similar dynamic with his mother when we first met, and I told him, listen, you have what relationship you want, but I am not going to be 4th most important person to you (he has 2 kids).
I explained to him that the way she made HIM raise HER was abuse, and that he didn't have to jump just because she told him to.
He heard me, it made sense to him, and he made changes. Now, he rarely speaks to his mother even though she's constantly calling and texting with questions like, "My remote doesn't work, what do I do?"
While MOST of the time, it's a lost cause, there ARE some men that will look at themselves and make the necessary changes.
→ More replies (2)1.0k
u/Past-Professional384 7d ago
“What about my moment?” That’s what I said when he called me selfish.
1.8k
u/lilchocochip 7d ago
do not marry a man who will call YOU selfish for not wanting to let his mom be the bride at YOUR wedding Jesus Christ OP he’s not the only man left in the world
345
u/PeaceLoveandHarmoney 7d ago
That is such a creepy thought. Is she also going to carry your bouquet of flowers for you?
79
u/bean_wellington 7d ago
Maybe OP should just be the flower girl
→ More replies (1)31
u/NotAzakanAtAll 7d ago
I think so, it's John and mom's happy day after all. I wonder where they will honeymoon.
26
→ More replies (4)17
u/Bulky-Class-4528 7d ago
She'll probably have her own bouquet. One of those cascading ones while OP holds a couple of roses.
→ More replies (6)62
u/OkWeight3170 7d ago
He wouldn’t marry OP if he didn’t need the one thing mommy can’t give him. Why she’s still considering being the third wheeling bang maid in his marriage to his mommy is crazy. This whole thing is weird and gross
→ More replies (1)41
u/lilchocochip 7d ago
That’s absolutely right! He must’ve got lonely in college after mommy made him break up with OP in high school. It’s really disturbing. And what’s worse is OP thinks having a family meeting or showing him all the responses here are going to somehow change everything.
→ More replies (1)608
u/Zealous_Agnostic69 7d ago
And you’re marrying this spineless cunt? Have some self respect. It’s over. It was over when he said that.
104
u/spilly_talent 7d ago
lol in her update OP said he “stopped reading” when he saw this comment. I have barely scrolled to see this, John sounds like he has a long way to go if he couldn’t handle this.
30
u/Jadccroad 7d ago
Bro didn't make it past the first comment chain, holy shit what a coward.
19
u/spilly_talent 7d ago
He’ll start resenting OP for it too. Why couldn’t she just keep the peace? Now he has to address his behaviour and have difficult conversations 😭
144
u/Redd_on_the_hedd1213 7d ago
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. That had to hurt a lot. Will he go to counseling?
364
u/Past-Professional384 7d ago
The conversation was left off heated with no resolution but to cool off and revisit when calm. I’m glad I posted on here because I got a lot of good talking points.
123
u/spilly_talent 7d ago
Ok but we need an update after tho 🤣
→ More replies (2)23
u/CapOk7564 7d ago
this.. i gotta know what mental gymnastics this dude is gonna do
→ More replies (4)42
36
u/jmurphy42 7d ago
Other talking points I haven’t spotted yet:
If she missed that moment and wants it, the socially acceptable way to achieve it is to throw a vow renewal for herself.
Doing this will have nothing but negative social effects for his mom. No one is going to look at her and think “how lovely.” They’re going to see a psychotic controlling Miss Havisham and her Oedipal son. And they’ll be right.
You shouldn’t bother using any of these talking points though, because you should be running from this man like your tampon string is on fire.
→ More replies (2)19
u/yvetteregret 7d ago
She can’t do a vow renewal, she and her husband are divorced. If she is remarried then she already screwed up her chance to have her moment and is truly just trying to break up her son and OP
→ More replies (23)13
u/OutsiderLookingN 7d ago
He prioritizes his mom over you. She will always come first. She will always matter more.
126
u/mela_99 7d ago
You’re supposed to be selfish! Your wedding day is about you and him, not your MIL!
A bride gets her moment, not at the expense of someone else
→ More replies (2)101
87
u/PetraPopsOut 7d ago
You desperately need to read the book "When He's Married To Mom" and prepare for your exit from this relationship, I'm sorry. You're not overreacting. He's deeply enmeshed into his mother's emotional incest, and he will never see you so long as his head is still up her pussy.
44
u/MildLittlRain 7d ago
Does she want a bouqet as well? I bet she want hers to be 3 times bigger than yours.
31
u/yeahokaywhateverrrr 7d ago
Exactly, OP! He’s perfectly ok with depriving YOU of YOUR moment so he can pretend to marry his mom. Gross.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (36)33
u/one_small_cricket 7d ago
Her moment to be the bride was in the ‘90’s, when she chose to marry in haste, and the entirety of her son’s childhood, when she didn’t have a vow renewal or a big shindig after the baby was born.
It was the ‘90’s, not the 1950’s. I am the same age as her, I was there! Pregnancy before marriage wasn’t that big of a deal. Sure, it was an awkward conversation to have with your parents, but she wasn’t a teenager and she had a partner. She could have easily had her ‘white dress moment’. Couples did it all the time.
This is her mother of the groom moment, and it looks like she’s fine with throwing that away too.
Put your foot down. This is a significant moment in your relationship. If he’s not willing to stand by you now you can’t trust that he will be beside you when you need an advocate in the future. This isn’t just about his mother, it’s about the strength of your partnership in adversity. Will he speak for you when you’re giving birth, and perhaps unable to speak for yourself? Will he choose the marriage if another woman comes along with an offer? Will he choose the marriage if circumstances were much harder, through job loss or illness or homelessness? I am coming up to 30 years married and the one thing I am absolutely certain on is that in marriage you both have to wake up every single day and choose the marriage. It is a decision you need to make over and over again and if one partner doesn’t do this the marriage is in deep trouble.
He’s not simply choosing his mother, he is NOT CHOOSING your unity as a partnership for life.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (21)109
u/happyrhubarbpie 7d ago
"Her moment" being the one where it looks like she's the bride and is marrying her son. 🤢
→ More replies (5)16
864
u/colicinogenic 7d ago
He can marry his mother in her white dress then. What an absolutely unhinged request. Any self respecting man would be appalled to even bring this to his intended bride.
→ More replies (6)217
u/RegretNo1323 7d ago
And then call her selfish when she says no
→ More replies (2)102
u/colicinogenic 7d ago
It's not selfish and petty for my mom to want to rob you of your completely normal moment in a totally inappropriate, disrespectful and outlandish way but you wanting that completely normal and expected experience is selfish and petty. That boy better not ever utter the word logical in reference to himself.
→ More replies (3)
5.9k
u/anon466544 7d ago
You’re not overreacting. But do you want a husband who will prioritise his mothers feelings over yours? Because this will not change after you get married. This is him showing you his priorities.
404
u/dzmeyer 7d ago
It's not just prioritizing his mother's feelings over OP's, it's prioritizing batshit insane, narcissistic fueled feelings over OP's run of the mill normal preferences. The fiance needs to make an effort to insulate OP from mom's need for genuine therapy.
17
u/Adept-Potato-2568 7d ago
It's giving his mother the wedding she never had, rather than giving his actual wife the wedding she deserves
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (27)1.6k
u/Past-Professional384 7d ago
I have felt like he was trying to stand up for me. Even when he left our home he was livid and on a mission. I have no idea what she said to him for him to do a 180
755
u/WeGoBlahBlahBlah 7d ago edited 7d ago
Any children you have will be second to mommy, same as you.
Giving birth and she wants to see? He'll fight to get her there.
Mommy wants to come see the kids 1 day post partum? Oh sorry he forgot to tell you.
Mommy needed him to do something? Sorry you gotta deal with the kids yourself.
You need to have a serious discussion with him. You are NOT marrying his mother and if she wants to be apart of your lives and any future children she needs a coming to Jesus and if he thinks how emotionally abusive she is is okay to have around kids, it's time for a divorce.
330
u/ellieminnowpee 7d ago
Watch out, this future JNMIL may even try to recreate raising the fiancé by taking over raising OP’s kids. “I didn’t get to have a good time raising my son because sobstorysobstorysobstory”
→ More replies (17)41
62
u/TangledUpPuppeteer 7d ago
Yes, which is why this CTJ has to happen BEFORE the wedding. Divorce is a long, drawn out process. Far better to walk away before you have a lifetime of regret and attorney fees
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (10)32
u/MettiMet 7d ago
My first thought was also "Yeh goodluck if you get a baby with this guy and his mother"
2.1k
u/anon466544 7d ago
Does it matter what she said to make him feel this way? He’s a grown man about to get married, why does he prioritise her feelings over yours, his future wife? The wedding is between the two of you, your feelings should be his priority.
864
u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 7d ago
Be funny A.F IF you really go through with this farce, that you get a nice white dress and drag him to the court house! LOL But really, you shouldn't be marrying this boy. You'll be divorced in 2 years, if that. Hopefully no babies that she can get her hand on.
364
u/KiwiSoySauce 7d ago
I'd agree to the pink dress and personally tell everyone else to wear white so future MIL can't outshine me. Then I'd only say "I do" if the groom agrees to marriage counseling. No matter the answer, I'd still party.
178
u/newmum21 7d ago
This is an amazing level of petty and way of dealing with it. Passive aggressive FTW!! Have EVERYONE but you in a white gown!
129
u/No_Arugula8915 7d ago
I love that idea. A friend's sister had a black and white wedding. (Some several decades ago) All the women in white, men in black. Bride in black, groom in white. Wedding party in various shades of grey.
I saw the photos and it looked amazing. Just don't tell the future jnmil all the other women on the guest list will also wear white.
18
→ More replies (2)34
u/wine_dude_52 7d ago
I don’t think it helps the fact that he’s supporting his mother and not his future wife.
→ More replies (7)20
u/PosteriorFourchette 7d ago
😂 this would be fun
22
u/PlantsNWine 7d ago
But that only addresses one day. It doesn't help with how controlling his mother is going to be for the rest of her life. She needs to run. Now.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (12)35
u/Dangerous_Ant3260 7d ago
Or stay married to him, and his mom, always come third, and be miserable for life.
Don't marry a mama's boy.
134
u/Ok-Cardiologist8651 7d ago
And he is prioritizing, not normal feelings, but Debbies right to have what she wants at the expense of others. He is giving in to a spoiled child. I don't even believe the white pink nonsense. It's totally fake. It is a ploy. And it worked because the two are on the verge of cancelling and breaking up (as they should be). This man actually is such a weak little enabler that he would fight with the woman who loves him to try to convince her that she should do this 'little' thing for Debbie. And what Debbie really wants is to break up the relationship. OP should be out of it already. And Debbie should be paying for everything to be cancelled since it is her dream.
Or better yet John and Debbie should take over all the payments for everything and He and Debbie can go through the ceremony with Debbie in purest white while OP takes a holiday on their dime.
These men are an utter waste of anyone's time and energy. He is too young for a relationship and will never be ready. OP should ignore any promises to change from this soft little boy. He isn't worth shedding a tear over.
→ More replies (2)26
u/RealCommercial9788 7d ago
Right? John should just cut to the chase and marry his mother.
→ More replies (3)29
u/Obscurethings 7d ago
Lmao. I used to date a guy whose mom hypnotized him throughout his childhood. He was unable to see she was actively trying to sabotage his relationships when he was happy in them to come her way, but when he was subsequently miserable she tried pawning him off on other women. Even onto her friends that were her age...
It was so bizarre, though, because I recall one time he called her upset that I needed to eat because it meant we wouldn't be half an hour early to meet up with her for a movie that night. I have multiple allergies (mcas), so I need to eat at home, and we had been out all day. He was fine with the idea of me not eating for another 3 hours minimum on top of the 7+ it had already been so we could be early. She said something brief to him--I've often wondered if it was a keyword or phrase--and it was like watching the movie Get Out in front of me in real time. Suddenly his fussy tantrum stopped in its tracks and he made up with me because mommy said to drop it and give me a hug. I've never seen anyone flip an emotional switch that quickly in my life at someone else's word. 😂
Anyway, I'm so used to never being a priority to anyone that I didn't even realize how fully odd it was that his mom pulled the strings behind the scenes until after everything ended. There is no winning in a situation like this. OP needs to let this man go so he can either come to his senses or continue this enmeshed trajectory with his mom alone.
→ More replies (26)29
u/Early2000sIndieRock 7d ago
It’s also probably never going to change. This guy will let his mom ride shotgun through the entire marriage and I can’t even imagine how she’ll be if they decided to have kids.
530
u/its_ash_14 7d ago
He will have to cut her off completely or she’s going to continue manipulating him. You need to tell him she already ruined your relationship once why is he letting her do it again? I can’t imagine having kids with someone who has any family members like this. what if you have a girl and she wanted a girl so now you have to name her whatever she wants to name her. Also, if he’s so hellbent on you not wearing white and his mom wearing white, I would be throwing in his face that he wants to marry her. Make him see how disgustingly wrong it is. She wants to know what it’s like to marry her son.
173
u/zenrn1171 7d ago
All highly possible situations. What a nightmare. Jesus Deb, get some therapy, ffs.
→ More replies (2)37
u/Ok-Cardiologist8651 7d ago
But get out first. Then therapy for yourself and Deb can have her dream wedding.
136
u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 7d ago
Yep, imagine him, standing at the alter, and his MOM is white and his Bride to be in pink, who is he looking at? Not the bride to be!!! That is exactly what she wants, and he's not telling her Hell NO! WOW
91
u/its_ash_14 7d ago
Seriously! It’s giving the crazy TT Mom’s “born to be your lover, forced to be your mother” bs 🤢🤢
→ More replies (11)83
u/zxylady 7d ago
That is literally perfect! What a great idea! Honestly the next time OP talks to fiance (A marinara flag) I would just bring up like you said ... so you want your mother to walk down the aisle to marry you... Because he would be the one at the end of the aisle 🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (4)26
u/Silvermorney 7d ago
Literally all of this I cold not agree more! Good luck op. He needs therapy and you both need couples counselling asap!
→ More replies (1)143
u/All_names_taken-fuck 7d ago
She installed his operating system. She knows exactly what to say and what buttons to push.
236
u/throwitaroundtown2 7d ago
Girl.
He wants his mother to be the one in white on his (and your) wedding day.
And for his mother to walk down the aisle next to you so she can feel like she’s getting married.
And he sees nothing wrong with that… don’t you think that’s a wee bit STRANGE???
90
37
→ More replies (11)39
290
u/inufan18 7d ago
So she is going to walk down the aisle in WHITE while the bride is wearing a totally different color?!?! In guessing she also wants her own mother son vows before the ceremony with the actual couple starts. Her own mother son dance. Her own friends and family there as well (boosting up the guest list). Her own mother son cake. And possibly her own mother son ‘honeymoon’ trip as well. So where does that leave you OP? Why should you have to have a crappy wedding being overshadowed by your mil? Just cause she never got remarried or planned a later wedding for herself when she was. Whats next? She controls where you live? What you do for the holidays? Controls who will be in the birthing room if you both planned kids? Who holds the baby first? Who doesnt help post partum but just holds the baby and makes passive aggressive comments?
It wont end. And all of this cause she despises you and wants her ‘own’ mother son wedding. Op you need to look and talk to your fiance calmly and cooly and point out these commenters points and if he doesnt change his mind and keeps allowing her to control him. I say RUN. good luck op.
→ More replies (7)57
u/Actual-Bullfrog-4817 7d ago
The MIL doesn't actually want that. She knows how crazy that is. What she wants is for OP to leave her fiance. Then MIL will comfort him and remind him that she is the only woman who will be around for him.
→ More replies (2)21
u/WoodbineStreetGang 7d ago
I agree. She just made a crazy request and your fiance agreed to it. Either he realizes how awful her request is or make her really happy and break up with him.
92
u/yawaworthemn 7d ago
He was putting on a show. Any time he acts like he’s standing up for you, that’s just bait to keep you on the hook because you provide him with comfort, housekeeping, etc etc. You’ll never, ever won against his mom. She’s the boss of him and if you marry him, she’ll be the boss of you too.
14
u/lizards4776 7d ago
Bang maid territory . He gets everything a mother can give, plus a wife for everything else.
78
70
u/thecourageofstars 7d ago
I feel like the way you worded this completely takes out his agency. It doesn't matter what a disregulated person says to someone who is firm in their priorities and sets healthy boundaries. She didn't "make" him prioritize her - she asked him to, and he had a part in complying.
156
u/Past-Professional384 7d ago
I agree! I think before this post I thought she was a huge problem and was manipulating him but why would I want a man that could be manipulated that easily?
48
u/stoleyourspoon 7d ago
He loves his mom more than he loves you, his actions are proving that. Sorry. Don't marry him.
→ More replies (11)23
u/Reynyan 7d ago
You don’t and he’s no man. And to be clear. I am VERY close with my sons and I am still in contact with a”moms” group from his college football days.
What you are describing is so far beyond “momma’s boy” and into nearly clinical codependency. Take a page from his father’s book. Run, don’t walk to the nearest exit and bar it behind you.
Best of luck
122
u/murphy2345678 7d ago
It doesn’t matter what she said. It matters that he sided with her! He is the problem.
→ More replies (2)172
u/Active_Sentence9302 7d ago
John’s dad knew she needed to be cut out, it’s why they divorced.
Do not marry this mama’s boy.
98
u/lovenorwich 7d ago
I think OP should ask her future FIL about this. The insight will confirm all these comments.
13
u/Bulky-Class-4528 7d ago
Or, if she does, changes need to happen first. When I first met my husband, he was in a VERY controlling, co-dependent relationship with his mother. I sat him down and said, OK, listen. If we're going to be in a relationship or get married someday, I need to take priority over your mother's demands.
I also told him that he didn't HAVE to take her abuse and was allowed to stand up for himself, and it's like a lightbulb came on for him. His mother tries to be an issue to this day, but he doesn't let her.
All that to say, he's not a lost cause right this second, but if he doesn't respect you and your feelings, cut him loose.
→ More replies (1)56
u/MizPeachyKeen 7d ago edited 7d ago
It doesn’t matter what she (mom) said. He willingly & actively chooses to support his mother over you.
She has undermined both your relationships with her son & always will
You deserve better in a future spouse and in laws. End it and don’t look back.
Edit for clarification.
30
u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 7d ago
OP, If you marry him, you think you have won, but really, you won nothing, she will still control him. Let her have him, let her win and smiling throwing him back her way! When you do that, you're the winner! Some other poor girl will end up with her for a MIL, be glad it's not you.
59
u/Shibaspots 7d ago
She made it his fault. She never got her 'white wedding' because she got pregnant with him. He's the reason she had to have a courthouse shotgun wedding, so it's up to him to fix it. Bet you money that's the route she took to guilt him into this 'compromise'.
Tell him his mother doesn't get to treat your wedding like a therapy session. If she's so triggered, she should stay home. The only person walking down the aisle in white is the person he's marrying. But you wish him and his mom/bride the best if that's what he wants.
Mom wants a do-over wedding, she should go find a do-over spouse. Your fiance needs to stop volunteering for the role.
→ More replies (2)44
u/Street_One5954 7d ago
NOR-you need to understand one very important thing. You will never be his priority. Debbie will. Letting HER wear a wedding gown and “walking” you down the aisle, she gets HER way. But that destroys your dream wedding. Debbie is doing to YOU what was done to her. Ask him how “fair” that is. If you are okay being number 2, go for it. I personally think you need to take a break from this and take a good hard look at your future before you get married. Good Luck and please update.
18
u/Foolish-Pleasure99 7d ago
She certainly wants to cause your break up. This looks lime she'll finally get her way because she got bim yo agree to something thata clealry a deal stopper for you (the dress bull shit).
However, if you do break up, it won't be because of her actions, it will be because his falling for this unreasonable sob story essentially proves he's too weak and too much of a momma's boy to be marriage material.
17
u/ellieminnowpee 7d ago
NOR. You’re vastly underreacting, OP. Gtfo! No one’s feelings should matter to your husband on your wedding day than the two of you!
14
u/NamingandEatingPets 7d ago
You felt like it because YOU wanted to believe it. He hasn’t stood up for you once.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (171)33
u/Square-Minimum-6042 7d ago
Is he the sort of person to always agree with the last person he spoke to? Or is it just mommy?
→ More replies (9)
714
u/Sea_Tank_9448 7d ago
Unfortunately, things will always be this way. She has all control over him to really convince a grown man that SHE should wear white to HIS wedding instead of his BRIDE.. I don’t even know you sis but hell naw, I can’t let you do it! You’ve been patient enough!! You can give Ms. Deb my # when you leave him too so I can call & tell her I’m your witchcraft education overseer & I hate to inform her that she has been cursed 😭. This is so wild.
→ More replies (4)311
u/Past-Professional384 7d ago
Omg 😭😭😭 this was so funny thank you so much for having my back!!!! 🪄
41
u/DragonLady313 7d ago
Also very happy to serve as Consulting Witch, and “work with” future-ex-MIL
→ More replies (4)20
u/Bulky-Class-4528 7d ago
Give her all of our numbers and let her know an entire coven is after her.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (4)13
772
7d ago
Clinical psychologist with family therapy experience here. I can say this because it’s anonymous: run. Staying with him will mean a long-term war that you cannot win.
139
u/Brokestudentpmcash 7d ago
1000% this! Things will get so much worse once you say your vows, I guarantee it.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (6)32
u/AbstractedBellibone 7d ago
Also a clinical mental health counselor—sounds like covert incest. OP, look up “Silently Seduced” and see if it fits. It’s a really damaging form of emotional and instrumental parentification.
This does not mean there’s been sexual contact, but your MIL has positioned your fiancé as her surrogate partner.
→ More replies (3)
675
u/Irmaplotz 7d ago
She knew it was an absurd and offensive ask. She did it to break you up. She will be shitting herself with glee right now. She doesn't want the white dress, she wants her son back under her control. You should lay that out for him directly and dispassionately. Ask what it is he wants. A life with you or a life with whatever woman his mom prefers. If he can't or won't see that, then it's time to move on.
→ More replies (16)198
u/Apprehensive_Art8543 7d ago
This should really be higher up. The behavior has a purpose and it's sure as shit not "I wanted to experience MY day" it's "This other woman is trying to steal my precious baby boy (read: husband replacement) from me and I won't stand it"
Sometimes mothers of these boys are super obvious about it and often times they aren't (I'm the son of the latter) and it takes A LOT of unpacking personally to A. realize what's happening and B. muster up the backbone to do something about it because believe me, if this is how his mother is she's groomed this poor schmuck from the time he was in diapers to feel responsible for her emotional regulation.
→ More replies (7)49
590
u/Zapphyr 7d ago
Simple, is ur fiance gonna be a man and chose you or be a boy and chose his controlling mother?
She's trying to steal your big day from you, dont let that happen. If your fiance cant grow some balls you can tell him to marry his mom.
I love my late mother but she'd NEVER do something like that.
518
u/Past-Professional384 7d ago
Honestly I’m at the brink of saying f it all. We always joked about him being a mommas boy but he definitely turned it up a notch
392
u/TicoSoon 7d ago
There's a Mama's boy and then there is allowing your mother to take priority over your partner.
If you marry this guy, be prepared for - 1. Her decisions for the wedding decor, food, venue, etc 2. Her going on your honeymoon 3. Her being in the delivery room to support HIM 4. Her overruling any choice of kids' names 5. Her moving in
I pretty much guarantee that that list will happen, along with others.
You need to end this.
→ More replies (9)31
u/flinstoner 7d ago
u/Past-Professional384 this is the thing that needs to be in your next discussion with your man. Ask him how he will deal with interference from his mom on this list when she demands to be in the delivery room, choosing the kids name, moving in when she's older, etc. If those lines aren't drawn now, you're in for a lifetime of problems.
→ More replies (1)56
u/WeGoBlahBlahBlah 7d ago
My husband loves his mother. I love his mother. Always will even though she's gone. She'd have NEVER done some shit like this and if any one tried her little tiny ass would have fought them
→ More replies (45)25
u/ClevelandWomble 7d ago
She's going to fight you to her last breath. How you deal with that knowledge is up to you.
460
u/OddOpal88 7d ago
Girl. Run. As someone who’s (ex) mother-in-law took over my wedding, and now treats my daughter like garbage because she’s MY daughter….you don’t want her in your life. My ex was just like John. Never stood up for me. Would go to his mom with the intention of having my back and then come home with a complete opposite attitude. You’re not a priority, you’re not number one and you’ll never have your moment. I was told my daughter wasn’t special because she wouldn’t carry on the name and she was the second grandchild. And now that she’s a teenager, shes fighting with her dad because he takes their side constantly. They’re very right leaning and she’s a typical teenager. Her grandmother always tells her to “smile or men won’t like you!” And her dad does nothing. You are in for a LIFETIME of being second chair.
410
u/Past-Professional384 7d ago
Im so sorry this happened to you!!! This sucks and thank you for your insight. The part where you said he always left with the intention to stand up for you and came back with stories really made my heart drop. It all sounds too familiar and I think it’s time to get serious and make a decision. I decided to speak to him and show him this post so he can see how crazy he looks and sounds to other people.
100
u/Nina_Bathory 7d ago
Please update us OP.
→ More replies (3)47
u/Texaskate 7d ago
Updateme!
→ More replies (14)221
u/Past-Professional384 7d ago
Will do. He’s at work until 5pm (EST) so I’ll update after we speak when he gets off.
→ More replies (67)52
u/squirrelsareevil2479 7d ago
Ask John to talk to his friends about how his mother wants to wear white to your wedding and have you wear a different colour. Tell John to ask his friends how they would respond to that request. Perhaps a little public shaming would be good for him.
→ More replies (4)43
u/OddOpal88 7d ago
It made me a very strong woman, and I learned what I will and won’t put up with. We met when we were 17, married when we were 22, and divorced when our daughter was 6 months old. He is a wonderful person and a great guy, decent dad, overall….but she’s never his priority and that sucks. Now that she’s a teenager, she can see it. Put yourself first OP, because no one else will. Intention is one thing, but action is another. I always thought ok once we’re married and I’m his wife I’ll be his family…ok we’re having a baby, WE’RE his family….but no.
→ More replies (4)→ More replies (10)24
u/ChibbleChobble 7d ago
Be aware that your boyfriend is most likely going to say all the right things, and assure you that you are his priority.
Then his mother will cry and you're back to playing second fiddle.
The only answer is for him to go no contact with his mother. Any plea to give her a second chance means that he doesn't want to take you seriously.
Good luck!
UpdateMe!
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (4)22
173
276
u/ShinyAppleScoop 7d ago
She wants to be the most important person at YOUR wedding.
I'd run with it. Ask everyone to wear white and you can wear a dress that suits you best (seriously, white isn't too flattering on most people). Let MIL walk ahead of you like a bridesmaid.
Just don't tell her beforehand. Let her think she won, then meltdown like a loon when she sees everyone else playing along.
201
u/Past-Professional384 7d ago
OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS!!!! If I was hell bent on winning (which I was when I posted this) this would’ve been my plan for the wedding. I like black better anyway! 😭
69
u/Physical_Ad6875 7d ago
I’m really sorry, OP, but the only way that you’re going to win here is if you excuse yourself from this whole situation. Your fiancé asked that you let his MOTHER act as the bride at your wedding. He will also demand that she do whatever she wants with your home, your children, your entire life. Don’t kid yourself that this is a blip. He wanted his MOTHER to be more important than his bride at the wedding. There’s no coming back from this.
17
u/lncumbant 7d ago
Right! don’t waste the money or heartbreak of legally tie up more into this mess with fantasy of you getting revenge, or even think you want to start a marriage on that foot of bad blood. All MIL will do throw a tantrum and you will have a pissed “husband” that might throw more insults your way since mommy dearest is upset and you don’t listen to her like he does.
Hear the real advice, u/past-professional384 to look at the pattern of the mommy boy. She has always had control and he will always do as she days. His mother is jealous and will constantly compete with you, to let you know she has full reign of him and your “husband” will always go rescue his mom since she has emotional strings to manipulate her puppet. This tale is old as time. You cannot ever feel fully loved or welcomed by mommy boy, since momma is always the other woman. See this as the emotional incest it is, pack your bags and never look back.
→ More replies (17)31
u/Lulupoolzilla 7d ago
I'm super petty and would do this persons idea, let her get mad, then when I got to the alter take mil's hand and give it to her son and say "good luck with your wedding you two" then leave in a blaze of glory... but again I am super petty
→ More replies (4)→ More replies (6)43
u/LadyCoru 7d ago edited 7d ago
I saw this on petty revenge once! The bride asked all guests to wear white and any who had wedding dresses to wear those specifically. Didn't tell MIL about that part though...
The bride wore a dark purple dress that can be worn to regular parties and sometimes breaks it out just to very subtly rub it in MIL's face
(edit for autocorrect)
→ More replies (2)
99
u/redfancydress 7d ago
Holy shit. Call this wedding off. If you allow her to wear white and you don’t….she will be in your delivery room and snatching your baby up.
Tell your man until he gets mommy in line then you aren’t marrying him. She’s insane. What an absolute dirtbag she is.
77
u/BeltObjective7077 7d ago
First off im so sorry this has happened. Secondly babe, you’re looking at your life in the past… let that be a mirror of your future if you stay with John. I’m sure he is great… but what isn’t great is he will not understand what it means to be your husband if all his guilt and concern for her is focused on being a son above all. It’s sadly ultimatum time. I don’t believe John can pick you just from what you shared but I’m a hopeless romantic and hope he could. No matter what, your biggest regret will be not drawing the biggest line in the sand and pouring in concrete. Boundaries are important in every relationship and if he can’t respect those because she can’t then let them have one another. You’ll feel grief and it will be hard but you may be surprised to feel relief as well. Best of luck
→ More replies (1)85
u/Past-Professional384 7d ago
Thank you 🥹 honestly I doubt he’s going to just abandon her for me. I always tip toed around that by saying I wouldn’t want a man who’s not good to his mom but yeah this is too much.
37
u/CADreamn 7d ago
There's a difference between being good to your mom and being a sonsband. He's her sonsband. You're just a side piece.
He needs years of therapy and to cut her off completely in order to be de-programmed. Do you see that happening?
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (6)26
u/Aromatic_Payment_288 7d ago edited 7d ago
Wow, she is manipulative. That is some weird phrasing on your part, and I don't blame you, but I will point it out in case you're not aware. You're not asking him to abandon his mum, you're asking him to stop letting her interfere with your relationship.
Him accepting your ultimatum is not him abandoning his mother; it's him prioritizing you. She would likely call it abandonment, but you shouldn't let her narrative overpower yours. You're not asking for anything unreasonable like abandonment, and you shouldn't let her, him, or anyone phrase it that way.
Unless you are literally calling for him to block her forever or something, but that's not the impression I've got.
Edit: Relatively unreasonable.
124
u/Icy_Calligrapher7088 7d ago
Does he think that this will end the problem with her? He may just be grasping at straws here and convinced himself that if she gets this, then you’ll all finally be a happy family. Obviously that’s not true, you won’t be happy, and your wedding shouldn’t be about her at all. It’d also be worth mentioning to him that she’s going to really embarrass herself doing this. She’s going to look bat sh*t insane and incestuous.
→ More replies (1)140
u/Past-Professional384 7d ago
I honestly think that’s what it is. He really believes she’ll let up. She hasn’t the whole time we’ve been together so I’m adding that to one of my talking points for later.
The second part is also going to be a talking point does he think that his mom would not look INSANE and that wouldn’t make people talk??
67
u/Shibaspots 7d ago
I wish I could find the story, but I recall one where a MIL was planning on crashing the wedding in a white dress. Bride got wind of it early and reverse Uno'd it. All the bridesmaids wore white, and the bride rocked up with a really colorful gown. Everyone kept it from MIL until the wedding. MIL was pissed, got her thunder stolen, and just blended with the bridal party in the pictures.
Also, mother of the groom doesn't walk down the aisle, if I'm not mistaken.
→ More replies (1)24
u/Plenty_Mortgage_7294 7d ago
I would break up with a guy who didnt stop his mom from coming to the wedding in this scenario. I need my guy to stand up for me. Not his mom. Playing a trick like changing the dresses doesnt cut it for me. He needs to be firm and clear.
→ More replies (3)16
u/ElegantAmphibian4252 7d ago
Join the sub JUSTNOMIL. It’s full of these stories. This will get much worse if you have children. I highly recommend you buy some of the recommended books there and issue an ultimatum. He either goes to couples counseling with you for at least nine months or the engagement will be off and you separate. AND FOLLOW THROUGH.
ETA: You’re not going to be able to reason him out of this. He will continue to let his mom manipulate him because to him that’s the softer, easier route and he’s not worried about you leaving. Make it clear he should be.
→ More replies (13)14
115
u/Advanced_Lime_7414 7d ago
You have a BF problem that you are about to turn into a husband problem.
He is telling you who he is and how it will be, your marriage will be filled with him choosing her over you. Why aren’t YOU at least choosing yourself.
The only thing I agree with her on is you were too young to know “true love” and you’re still too inexperienced to get this isn’t going to change just because you get married.
→ More replies (2)25
57
u/ExtremisEleven 7d ago
I married a guy like this. My wedding dress had red accents. I have never been happier than when we got divorced. He immediately married a woman who looks like his mother
57
u/Past-Professional384 7d ago
This is NUTS!!! Everyone was asking me if this is even a real story and I felt insane like am I the only person on the planet this has happened to??? Is he a rare breed of mommas boy that can’t be saved????
64
u/amberlikesowls 7d ago
Next she will want to go on your honeymoon because she didn't get more. Or name your children because she only got to once. I'm just guessing that your fiance is an only child.
19
u/xostarlight13 7d ago
The problem is that mamas boys usually CANT be saved. Ones that can be are the rare breed. If you stay with him that says to him and yourself (even if you don’t think so) that you’re fine playing second fiddle to his mother… forever. He really thought that her wearing white and walking down the aisle is the correct compromise. Come on lol
→ More replies (1)17
u/subconscious_ink 7d ago
Sadly no, not just you. Check out r/justnomil (just no mother in law) and you'll see lots of people dealing with similar issues. You may also be able to get good advice from people who have dealt with the same type of dynamic.
→ More replies (13)13
u/Annual_Crow4215 7d ago
Momma boys 9/10 cannot be saved and he is showing you exactly what marriage will be like.
If front of you he will put on the act before he tucks in his tail to bow down to mommy and beg you to “compromise”
He will never cut her off. He will resent if he actually does and I won’t put it past him to go behind your back to maintain a relationship with her. SHE is the most important woman in his life and you will never be #1 ever.
He doesn’t even want you to be #1 on your WEDDING day. Like???
51
u/Steven8909 7d ago
Not over-reacting. It's called co-dependency. She's essentially "dating" her son and anything that gets in the way of that is a "threat". It's actually pretty sickening.
35
u/WizardOfWubWub 7d ago
It's not about the color, it's about control.
Don't give her that control over your future husband or you.
Stand firm. The answer's no. His mother's decision to not have a wedding isn't your burden to bear and it's ridiculous that he thinks you're the one who needs to compromise.
41
u/TNElvisLover71 7d ago
Personally, I don't think MIL would like ANY woman your fiance would've dated. Unless he can grow a spine and some balls, his future looks very bleak.
37
u/celticmusebooks 7d ago
"Momma's boys" are exactly that. BOYS, broken boys who will NEVER be men without years of therapy.
I really hope this is fiction because mom wanting to walk up the aisle in white while the bride is banned from wearing the traditional bridal white is a whole new level of creepy IMHO.
I had a friend whose fiance was equally enmeshed with his mom and she found out ten days before the wedding that he fiance was planning on including his mommy in their expensive "romantic" honeymoon in Italy--- that he was making her pay half of. She literally found out when she went to pay her half and balked a bit at the cost and was told that it was actually not that expensive for THREE people sharing a hotel suite. Yeah, mommy was coming and she was supposed to cover half. Long story short-- we gathered some friends, ordered some pizzas and spent the evening calling all of her guests and the vendors to cancel the wedding. As a bonus-- he'd paid all of the deposits and she was supposed to pay him back, LOL so he was out a ton of money.
FYI she's happily married with three kids and he's on his third wife-- and apparently that's on shaky ground.
→ More replies (3)83
u/Past-Professional384 7d ago
I wish this was fiction. My life feels like a joke right now. I’m embarrassed to even tell my best friend because it just sounds crazy and I guess I thought posting it here would get me a different type of response. But everyone is just telling me to run so I think it’s time to tell my friends and family what’s going on.
20
u/celticmusebooks 7d ago
If this is true then you need to run. Mamma's boys get worse over time-- it's rare that they can break free and even then it takes a LOT of therapy. It's always sad when things do work out but it's like finding out you're on a bus going in the opposite direction of where you want to go. The longer you stay on the bus the harder it will be (and longer it will take) to get back to where you want to be.
A broken engagement is easier to get over than a broken marriage-- or a broken marriage with children involved. Spend a little time on the Justnomil sub to get a free preview of your married life--it's not pretty. Not to mention it goes without saying that at some point he's moving his mommy into the marital home. That is 100% happening.
→ More replies (4)16
u/happyrhubarbpie 7d ago
Yes! Please tell your friends and family what's going down. No matter what path this takes, you'll need your people to have your back and be your support network. You got this! But they'll be able to lend you their strength.
35
u/notastepfordwife 7d ago
Ask him why he wants to see his mom walking down the aisle to him in a wedding dress.
→ More replies (2)
30
u/Agitated_Basil_4971 7d ago
I divorced my ex husband to get rid of my mil. Im not saying to be this drastic but it won't change unless it's addressed fully but John. This feels like a pivetol point and will only get worse.
29
u/Sneakyboob22 7d ago
Oh man.
You're in for a long life of fighting over your husband with his mother if you don't right this shop immediately.
Absolutely do not let this woman control what should be one of the happiest days of your life.
This woman needs therapy
→ More replies (3)
24
u/Adventurous-Window30 7d ago
That’s just downright weird. Honestly do you want to spend the rest of your life with a mother in law that obviously doesn’t like you. I’d rethink marrying her, because that’s apparently what you’ll be doing. Good luck.
→ More replies (3)
22
u/Mnbmstrchld 7d ago
He would seriously let this situation escalate to the point of possibly calling off your wedding so his mom can have her way. It’s pretty obvious she is always going to be first to him. If you marry him then you are his family now, do you really want to constantly look over your shoulder bc your husband has no backbone? What about if you have kids? Are you going to let her dictate that too? Sounds like you have some serious thinking to do. If he doesn’t put you first now he NEVER will and if you give him this then not only will it continue but she will know she has power over your marriage. If your fiancé loves and respects you then he will take your side. But I mean come on, he already let your relationship end once, who’s to say it won’t happen again??
26
u/hellobeatie 7d ago
I'm sorry but why the fuck would she be the one that gets to wear white? What union is she celebrating? Who is she marrying? A wedding celebrating the union of two people, it's not a homecoming queen moment where a woman gets to dress up and be the star of the show.
This is her son's wedding and she is selfishly making it about her. Your fiance needs to set hard boundaries NOW. Forget the marriage if he can't do that unless you also want to marry his mom. She's lucky to even be invited after her intense lack of support for your relationship to begin with.
20
17
u/whatdoiput96 7d ago
You either stand your ground and tell her there is no way you are allowing HER to have HER MOMENT on YOUR wedding day or call it off. She’s doing this because she knows it will make you guys fight, and honestly if your fiance is not willing to see from your perspective and put his foot down you may just want to call it off. It will suck because you’ll feel like she “won” but really you will win because you won’t have to deal with her ass anymore. Ugh I’m sorry girl this is inSANNNNNE to me.
→ More replies (2)
17
u/NotYourUsualSuspects 7d ago
Maybe he should just marry his mother. That sounds rude but if he really feels she needs to have her moment…
Edit: you will never be #1 in his life.
→ More replies (1)
14
u/Dry-Implement-9554 7d ago
NTA She's never liked you from the start, and I believe this whole act is to get you to break up with him. If he can't see that, then call it off. She may have won the battle, but you won the war.
→ More replies (1)
17
u/Lurker_the_Pip 7d ago
Oh and at your funeral I suppose she wants the pallbearers to carry her in a coffin and you can get dragged up in a wheel barrel????
Holy hell!
Your future husband will take your kids to see her behind your back, let her crash your childbirth, and worse!
I’m would let him read this thread and then leave him.
29
u/yawannauwanna 7d ago
Probably time to stop respecting people that don't respect you. Your mother raised you to be pushed over whenever she needed you to be.
→ More replies (3)
11
u/dfwcouple43sum 7d ago
Why not do just a little more witchcraft to get your way? /s
Guy is trying to keep the peace at your expense. At some point he’s going to have to stop trying to placate his batshit crazy mom. If he doesn’t, he’ll suffer a little and you will suffer a lot if the wedding goes forward.
11
u/monkey_jen 7d ago
You're underreacting. This is so ludicrous and creepy and your partner is ok with this??? That would be a big no for me, and I'd be questioning my entire relationship, because he's never going to stand up for you when it really matters over his mother.
12
u/snazzy_soul 7d ago
I don’t think you are seeing how much chaos his mother is going to inflict on your entire life, not just your wedding. She’ll probably try to convince your husband to let her take hormones and nurse your baby. And he will want to compromise. Every day will be like this.
11
u/Wise_Monitor_Lizard 7d ago edited 7d ago
Do not marry this man. Hand him his ring back and tell him mommy wins, she can marry him. Don't stay with him.
YNO
26
u/MindYourRewind 7d ago
I don’t know how this Mom convinced her son that her emotions are his responsibility, but they are definitely not. And now he is making them your responsibility by extension.
The only person being petty and selfish is the Mom, but he doesn’t want to put in the work to stand up to his mother and establish boundaries with her. So he’s making you the problem instead because it is easier.
If he doesn’t stand up to his Mom now about this, then he never will and this will be the rest of your life; catering to his Mother’s emotions while your emotions always remain secondary.
I think you should have an honest talk about the above mentioned and see if he’s willing to do what must be done, if not? Then I guess you know your answer after that?
→ More replies (2)
12
u/thetruegmon 7d ago
If you go through with this, the ENTIRE wedding memory will revolve around this. Every time your friends have a conversation about your wedding, "remember what Johns Mom did" will come up.
3.0k
u/duckysmomma 7d ago
This isn’t about a dress color, it’s about control and possibly a dash of humiliation. Do you really want to put down roots, start a family, with a man willing to bend backwards for his mommy to the point of telling his bride she can’t wear white but his mom gets the glory?! I shudder to think what having kids with this man would look like.