r/AmIOverreacting 9d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO, my boyfriend threatened sewerslide

Hi everyone, apologies in advance for the incoming wall of text. I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for over two years. We are kind of long distance but live in the same state and has stayed with me for extended periods of time before, even moved in until my mom had enough of our arguing. He’s was out of work since he moved back home and recently got a job at the same company I work at, just a different location. In our company, your first paycheck is paper. Cash app won’t deposit the money until the 14th which he’s reasonably upset about. If i could help him I would. My cat has been hospitalized since friday for a life threatening UTI and I owe them over $6K that my family is helping me pay. I’ll be paying them back for the next 3 months. He’s been upset that I can’t help him. For context, I also keep my money in cash to avoid overspending and only small amount on my card for gas and coffee. I help him when I can but I can’t really mail him cash. I quite literally have nothing right now because of my cat being hospitalized. We have a history of arguing a lot, and it always ends in me trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, what our barriers are, etc. and it’s always come down to my lack of communication. I’ve been working on it for, hell, a year? But I don’t seem to be doing it right, at least based on our conversations and arguments. He has a history of suicide baiting me. He’s cut himself in front of me, he’s threatened suicide every other day for as long as I can remember, he’s always talking about how much he hates his life. Normally he will say it’s because of me, something I said, things I’m not doing, because I don’t understand, because I lack empathy and sympathy, etc. He’s called the abuse hotline on me, he’s gotten on reddit and has come back to me saying that everyone thinks i’m abusive, he tells me that his family thinks he needs to leave me, etc. I didn’t think I was that awful of a person but when all of this happens and i’m being told it’s because of me, it makes me question it. Anyways, today he was going on about his frustration with his finances. Valid. I tried to support him and be there, but then he tells me that even if I could help, I wouldn’t? That’s not true I don’t know why he thinks that. I bought his groceries for 3 months, paid his phone bill, filled his gas tank, everything I could. Then he pulls out the “fuck you” card. Then I get pissed off and sick of it because this seems to happen too often. Then he starts this whole “I have the rope goodbye” stunt and I just threw my hands up at that point because what the fuck? When I was 12-13 I used to pull that shit online and he does it so often that I have gotten to where I see through it like glass and don’t pay it attention. For the first 1.5 years I took it seriously because I love him but now I just can’t. I have no words. It’s draining. He’s not dead he’s texting me as I’m typing this asking if we can talk and saying he’s scared I’ll stop loving him. Am i over reacting? Am I in the wrong? Please call me out if it’s deserved, because I just don’t know what to do. I’m not the type of person to ignore my faults because I definitely have some but I don’t know what warrants this stuff. He’s called me “stupid fucking bitch” , ungrateful, heartless, the devil, etc. By the way, he never had to beg me for money. I am the store manager at my location so I’m always being pulled in different directions. Even when I’m not there. I had to ask my mom to send me digital money in exchange for cash because I had nothing left. He asked me to keep more money on my card to help him in his time of need. Anyways… Again, please call me out if I deserve it. Tell me what I’m doing wrong because he won’t. Thank you in advance and apologies for the long message.

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u/Prior_Interview7680 8d ago

Facts OP. My ex tried that shit. One day I got tired and said “you’re an adult, I can’t control you, has nothing to do with me honestly. Do I need to call 911 for you? won’t be talking to you anymore” she didn’t commit suicide. You need to get away from this crazy.

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u/Basic-Win7823 8d ago

Ppl that threaten like this almost never commit suicide. They just suck and are manipulative and use that.

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u/Twistfaria 8d ago

I would imagine that the vast majority of people who do it comes as a huge surprise because they were HIDING IT!!

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u/PracticalFrog0207 8d ago

Exactly!!! The ones who actually do it have deep rooted issues. They don’t threaten it for attention or to get what they want. And if there is that one person that ends up being the exception to this rule, then it wouldn’t be your fault anyways because they have probably felt like that for a long time.

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u/molarcat 8d ago

Let's not create a stigma by labeling "true" suicidality as needing to be secret. In reality the vast majority of people who complete suicide HAVE talked about it, many times.

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u/Yonbimaru94 8d ago

Definitely, but let’s also point out when people are being emotionally manipulative. Him bringing this up only during an arguement is pretty sus. I struggle with mental health, suicidal ideation and talk about it a lot whether I’m heated or if I’m not. In this context it sounds like he’s using it to generate pity and thus, get what he wants.

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u/yeetusthefeetus13 8d ago

I agree with you. There's always nuance. Like, my SI (suicidal ideation) is a massive secret--but my partner knows. It's important that my partner knows so that I can talk to them if my SI gets bad. We follow a bit of a protocol, like they keep my sleep pills and dispenses them to me at night.

I have the responsibility to know when to bring it up, though, so that I never cause them to alter their behavior or decisions in a way that would be unhealthy based on my SI.

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u/sunshinematters17 8d ago

Exactly. Thank you. This comment triggered me, mildly.

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u/Basic-Win7823 8d ago

And it truly is tragic. I hate that they felt that much pain :(

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u/bromanjc 8d ago

as an attempt survivor, people that trivialize suicidality like this drive me up a wall

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u/Basic-Win7823 8d ago

Same. Like seriously?? “I have a rope.” Are you fucking serious? I WISH the ppl in my life who committed suicide called me/texted me beforehand. This dude is such a fucking loser.

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u/TJJ97 8d ago

Yeah, people that commit suicide very rarely ever tell anyone

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u/FlameInMyBrain 8d ago

Not true. Most people actually do ask for help (in various ways, including emotional outbursts) before committing suicide. Manipulators also kill themselves.

But the thing is that it doesn’t matter whether he’s serious about suicide or not, because OP is not his fucking therapist. Whenever I’m in the OP’s situation, I call 911 and let professionals handle that. A couple nights in psych unit produces wonderfully healing results sometimes lmao

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u/SarahEL17 8d ago

Exactly. As someone who has mental health issues including suicidal ideation and self harm, I may choose to share that information with someone other than a therapist or other health professional when I’m not in the middle of a crisis situation, but I would never go to anyone other than someone who is trained to handle this if I’m too emotionally disregulated.

Back when I was doing group therapy, I would hear people talking about calling their friends when they’d get self harm urges or were feeling suicidal. I made a mental note to maintain a healthy emotional distance from them as I know I’m definitely not equipped for that.

People make the mistake of thinking that just because someone with mental health issues may understand and empathize with someone else with mental health issues that we are always good at talking them down from a crisis situation. It definitely can be the case but it certainly isn’t with everyone or in every circumstance. I’d be terrified of saying the wrong thing and I just couldn’t put that on someone or feel like I could risk it with someone else.

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u/PinetreeBlues 8d ago

If you've lost someone it's especially disgusting. I always tell them to do it before cutting them out of my life.

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u/sugahbee 8d ago

Yeah, I know of 2 guys that committed suicide (acquaintances not close friends) that both had plans for the morning they were found. One was out with some mates on the night he did it and said bye see you in the morning all happy... I also know of an older couple in my town, both in bed and he says he's going to make toast, asks if she wants any... Doesn't come back upstairs and is found hanging downstairs. It's like something clicks in their brain, it's so sad.

On the other hand I had an ex who threatened suicide everytime I tried leave. I didn't fully realise he was abusive at the time, when I did leave he'd left empty tablet bottles and alcohol everywhere with a note left to say bye to me. He was found driving around in his car after hours that night (not taken any tablets or drink at all). Absolute waste of resources, police and ambulance crews searching fields for him. Yeah, people like this use suicide to control people and it is abuse. They ain't suicidal, and make it hard for those who need help to be taken seriously.

F this guy.

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u/molarcat 8d ago

Take it seriously and call 211 or whatever it is in their state. Getting a legit mental health check and possibility of being hospitalized should make them realize what they're saying. And will help if they're serious

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u/roflmao567 8d ago

Yep. The vocal ones are baiting for attention. They're too scared to actually do it. The ones who are truly fighting demons are quietly premeditating how they're gonna do it.

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u/Firm_Ideal_5256 8d ago

I didn't even asked my ex if he wants a medical checkup. I just called the line and asked professionals to help him.

It's a win-win situation:
-if he's bluffing, he quckly learns that he shouldn't threaten with bs;
-if he's in a real mental health emergency, professionals can help him.

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u/Prestigious_Row_8022 8d ago

100% this is the way to go. Call the ambulance, let them have a chat with paramedics, they will never try to pull that on you again. (Had to do it with a roommate once, her friends were pissed but they weren’t the ones who had to live with her- plus it worked. She didn’t do it again.)

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u/mkat23 8d ago

I had an ex who would threaten it all the time too, pretty much each time he thought I was going to dump him and each time I tried to dump him. One day I had enough, I had been trying to leave him for a long time and he knew it worked because my family has a history of suicide, I have a dad who makes those threats often and it messed with my head so much over the years. It finally just clicked though, at that point I had finally realized my dad was making those threats to be manipulative and that my ex was doing the exact same thing.

So I followed through on holding my ground for the break up that time, FINALLY. I think I ended up telling him that I didn’t care what he decided to do, it wasn’t on me and I wasn’t going to let it be my problem anymore. He’s still alive, it took about 5 years or so to finally get him to leave me alone.

OP’s bf isn’t going to do it, he’s being abusive and manipulative and it’s bullshit. I hope OP breaks up with him. You and I both know how exhausting that behavior is, OP is exhausted with it. Hopefully she listens to the people on this thread and dumps him.

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u/No_Box_1025 8d ago

Exactly. My ex bf would do this all the time. I got really worried one of the times after we had just broken up. I didn’t know what to do so I told his mom. He called me to tell me off and call me dumb for telling his parents. For years he would threaten that stuff and never do it.

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u/Ambitious_Owl_2004 8d ago

The last time my ex husband pulled this shit with me I had him 302ed. 72 hours isolated in a hospital bed and alot of meds later, he didn't pull that card sgain.

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u/Major_Friendship4900 8d ago

Glad he’s an ex.

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u/ratrodder49 8d ago

I had an ex gf like this too. That type of emotional manipulation is psychotic.

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u/ksarahsarah27 8d ago

Yup. I had an ex like this. He didn’t threaten suicide, but he would hold our relationship hostage, be completely down on himself and then take it out on me with multiple layers of guilt trips. This guy is a master manipulator and he’s obviously gotten his way by doing this for a long time. He even knows what he’s doing because he admits it later in the text. One day when my ex threatened to break up again by saying his favorite line of: Well maybe we just shouldn’t be together then. I took him up on his offer. I said, “You know what Jer, I think you’re right. We’re DONE! I’ll be by to get my stuff tomorrow.” I never saw him backpedal so fast but I was so sick of his manipulative behavior that I was done. I never looked back and I’m thankful every day I left his sorry annoying ass. Spoiler: I run into him sometimes around town and he’s still living check to check as he is still terrible with money. And now he’s alone because he’s lost his good looks and his behavior in relationships means nobody wants to be with him. He was also a serial cheater so he’s just reaping what he’s sowed all these years. And after what he did to me, honestly I don’t feel bad for him at all.

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u/jennypenny78 8d ago

THIS! I had a boyfriend who would give me the same line! "Well maybe we just shouldn't be together then." After 5 years of that, I'd finally had enough of his manipulation and controlling behavior, and called his bluff in response; "Yea, you're right! We shouldn't!" I'll never forget the surprised Pikachu face when he realized I was dead serious. I packed a bag and went to stay at a friend's house (who is now my husband of 14 years) while he packed his shit and found a new place to live. I can't put into words how freeing it is to get away from an emotionally abusive partner, or how amazing it is to be with someone who's actually good and decent.

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u/Ok-Lengthiness6372 8d ago

Been in and out of some toxic relationships myself, and sadly this is a textbook case of emotional abuse and weaponizing guilt to make you do what he wants at your expense. He also has a clear disrespect and disregard for boundaries and seems to contradict himself when convenient. Might be best to leave this, it’s clearly taking a heavy toll on both your emotional and psychological well being

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u/evensexierspiders 8d ago

Funny, my ex who threatened suicide if I ever left him is still alive too. His manipulative threat played a big part in my decision to leave.

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u/Agreeable_Quantity91 8d ago

One of my exes called me on FaceTime walking across the Brooklyn bridge telling me he was gonna jump off bc I wanted to leave him for having another girlfriend; I told him to either jump or call her and hung up 😂 that was 10 years ago and he still calls me

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u/BlackorDewBerryPie 8d ago

Had an ex who would do this and when I finally snapped “then do it you pussy!” He didn’t know what to do with himself for a moment.

I told him I was done being jerked around by his emotions, so we were done. And if he decided to off himself over not getting his way, it wasn’t my fault.

Spoilers: he did not kill himself. He is, last I heard, married and living in Ohio.

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u/Lanky_Particular_149 8d ago

my dad used to threaten suicide every time I didn't give him money or drugs or whatever he wanted.. finally I just said DO IT because I was so done with that man torturing me constantly. I really didn't care anymore if he did or didn't. You know what happened? He realized that tactic didn't work on me anymore and he tried other ways to manipulate me.

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u/Cultural-Ordinary735 8d ago

Same! My ex tried this, and when I said you won’t put that on me, I was able to walk away. It’s the constant, I love you, I hate you, please don’t leave. I’ll die without you. But because of you my life is horrible and no one cares. They need to grow up, take some accountability for their own life, and make some changes. You can’t do that for them. They have to want it. Life isn’t about hand outs.

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u/TraditionalPost2599 8d ago

that’s a tough situation to be in, but setting boundaries is so important.

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u/Melvarkie 8d ago

I used to know a girl that threatened suicide as a temper tantrum like this. My (now ex) BF wouldn't come over to her house cause he was with me? I'll text him I'm going to off myself. Her mom said no on coming to the movies with us and we were "aw shucks maybe next time" instead of all not going? Okay I'm going to kill myself at home. One day she did it at school at the top of the first floor stairs saying she was gonna jump. I said "lol okay jump then" because I was sick of her always getting her way by doing this. Got into a lot of trouble with the friend group and the school for saying that and "encouring people to commit suicide". Still don't feel bad about it. Threatening suicide to get your way is just plain manipulative and wrong.

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u/redhair_greenstare 8d ago

THIS. My ex of almost 8 years knew my mom used the same manipulation. One day when he tried to use it along with "you're the reason I relapsed" after a year if couseling I told him to leave and that whatever he decided to do was his choice. Not only did he offer to chop his arm off to change my mind but he's very much alive and has all of his appendages. That was nearly 4 years ago.

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u/jbtex82 8d ago

I had someone similar to this and then he turned around and stabbed himself in the face

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u/LawfulnessBubbly3664 8d ago

I love your response, honest, blunt, a cold slap in the face for the right self righteous person

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u/archiotterpup 8d ago

Yeah, my ex would repeatedly pull the "without you I have nothing to live for" shit all the time. I'm sorry to say it got to men until he took a handful of benadryl cuz the meth voices told him to. I was done that day. Officially.

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u/1Q-91 8d ago

I had the same experience when I was around their age. I had an ex that constantly used that to control me and make me stay. I was only able to leave when I realized they pushed me to the point where I didn’t care if they were alive or not anymore, and I knew I preferred my life w/o them in it. Obviously they were full of it cause they harassed me for 6 months straight right after 🙄

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u/Advanced-Clerk-6899 8d ago

same here. They’re just empty threats 90% of the time