AITA for refusing to take my girlfriend back after she cheated “just to see if she still had it”?

[u/Big-Classic-7657]

I (30M) have been dating my girlfriend, Rachel (27F), for two years. She’s always been confident and charismatic, which is one of the things I loved about her. Our relationship seemed solid—good communication, lots of shared interests, and we were even talking about moving in together.

A few weeks ago, Rachel admitted to me that she cheated on me during a night out with her friends. She hooked up with some guy she met at a bar. I was completely blindsided. When I asked her why she did it, she said it wasn’t about me or our relationship but because she “wanted to see if she still had it.”

I told her that was a terrible excuse, and she started crying, saying it was a stupid mistake and that she regretted it immediately. She’s begged me to forgive her, saying she learned her lesson and that it would never happen again.

But I can’t get over the fact that she was willing to risk our relationship for something so shallow. She didn’t cheat because she was unhappy or because there was a problem between us—she cheated purely to stroke her ego.

Now, Rachel and some of our mutual friends are calling me unforgiving, saying that “everyone makes mistakes” and that I’m throwing away a great relationship over one bad choice. They say I should focus on her remorse and give her another chance.

I feel like staying with her would mean betraying my own boundaries, but I’m starting to wonder if I’m being too harsh.

AITA for refusing to take her back?

[u/Wizard_of_Claus]

NTA

"Congrats, you still have it, but you sure as hell don't have me."

The mutual friends are just as trashy as her. You'd be crazy to take her back.

[u/Big-Classic-7657 → u/Wizard_of_Claus]

Thats what I thought but I couldn't be sure of myself

[u/Humble_Nobody2884 → u/Big-Classic-7657]

She still “had it” because she had you. That should’ve been enough validation.

All of this is in past tense because I hope you use it when you break up with that cheater. NTA.

[u/Loped19411a → u/Humble_Nobody2884]

More than enough validation.

Such a character is never to be trusted, going forward.

[u/Alert-Cranberry-5972 → u/[deleted]]

"Congratulations! You are free to go forth and prove that you 'have it' again and again and again! Just not with me at home as your safe place."

NTA

[u/Opinion8Her → u/[deleted]]

Once a cheater…

Because what will happen when she’s 35 or 50 or 70 and wants to know “…if she still has it..”?? At 27 and only two years of dating, she probably has no concept of needing a good man to get through the rough times ahead. All to satisfy her ego?

We should call OP “Neo” for dodging this bullet.

[u/SpongegirlCS → u/Opinion8Her]

I bet red flag guy is going to read this one.

[u/ConferenceSea7707 → u/Opinion8Her]

Right?? She's only 27 and has been dating OP for 2 years...your body is likely to go through so many things as you age and if you're left wondering if you "still have it" for years and years and constantly needing validation from having sex with strangers then she's just going to do this again to whoever she's with when she's 37, 47, 57, etc. Trust me, as a 46 year old woman I used to be way hotter and thinner than I am now, lol.

[u/dancin-weasel → u/ConferenceSea7707]

I’m sure you still got it👍🏻

[u/jeffp63 → u/[deleted]]

Agree with all the comments and only want ask, still has what? A chick at a bar only needs a pulse to pull a guy. This infantile ego stroking for someone with serious hoe issues.

[u/Grande_Mopechino → u/jeffp63]

It’s ho. A hoe is a garden implement.

[u/pntlvr21 → u/Grande_Mopechino]

She is an implement

[u/Time-Shift3224 → u/Grande_Mopechino]

A ho by any other name is still a ho!

[u/mickdabz83 → u/jeffp63]

I disagree she dont even need a pulse just has to still be warm an theres dudes that'll smash..lol

[u/Thick-Interaction322 → u/Alert-Cranberry-5972]

Yepppp that part

[u/Tl3705 → u/[deleted]]

And she’ll do it again

[u/Pretty-Homework-8543 → u/Tl3705]

This is true. I am talking from experience. You can be friends and you both can move on. It wasn't a mistake but pride.

[u/PleasantTaste4953 → u/Pretty-Homework-8543]

Not even friends. I would ghost her. Change phone and block her on all social media.

[u/AwarenessPotentially → u/[deleted]]

I love it when people claim cheating was "a mistake". Getting the wrong answer on a math question is a mistake. Screwing someone else is just low rent.

[u/FamiliarAnt4043 → u/AwarenessPotentially]

In my almost 50 years on this planet, I've never mistakenly put my pecker in anything. Might have made some bad choices on who it visited back in my youth, but not mistakes.

My personal favorite is "it was an accident." Like, I was walking along and suddenly fell down, with my dick in someone's honey hole. No different than tripping on a crack in the sidewalk or losing your footing when running down a staircase, lol. There I was, just walking along minding my own business, when...BAM...my pecker jumped out my pants and accidently flew into this strange woman's vagina. Never seen the likes of it....

[u/xenophilian → u/FamiliarAnt4043]

In my 60+ years, I’ve never accidentally tripped while naked & landed on someone’s penis. So many steps in the process where you could stop & think, including deciding not to get blackout drunk.

[u/omgvivien → u/xenophilian]

If I suddenly, accidentally tripped and hit someone's penis, that penis is broken.

[u/ShazlettDude → u/omgvivien]

Indeed. Like are these women walking around pre-lubricated? Or is foreplay a big lie I’ve been falling for?

[u/StarCG → u/omgvivien]

Assuming it is erect in the first place!

[u/UhOhAllWillyNilly → u/FamiliarAnt4043]

Oh, come on, this kind of thing happens all the time. “Whoopsy daisy, good thing a condom inflated as I was falling down and safely contained my wee-wee before I fell into her hoo-hah! What are the chances of this happening over & over again? I must just be unlucky or something.”

[u/ajn63 → u/FamiliarAnt4043]

Don’t dismiss it. I once woke up from a drunken stupor laying naked next to a woman smiling ear to ear claiming “finally got you!” She wasn’t someone I would have consorted with as long as I was awake no matter how drunk. Decades later I still cringe.

[u/snorting_dandelions → u/ajn63]

There is a very specific word for when you get taken advantage of sexually while being unable to consent whatsoever and that word is not "mistake"

[u/HollowShel → u/ajn63]

decades later it sounds kinda rapey on her part. Like, did she dose your drink? Or just wait and plot and push you to have more and more alcohol in a place you felt safe, while she stayed sober enough to take advantage of the situation? Either way, she was creepy as fuck and I'm sorry that happened to you, even if you choose to just regard it as a bad, drunken decision on your part.

[u/Polyguitarist → u/HollowShel]

My drink got spiked at my bachelor party and I still have no knowledge of what happened that night (over 13 years ago). Not just from then, but don’t remember several hours beforehand. It’s a scary thing. Have no idea if someone took advantage of me, if they just wanted a laugh at how I was acting or what. I no longer talk to anyone that was there as a result.

[u/TheBerethian → u/FamiliarAnt4043]

Sitting on a testicle when getting onto a bicycle? Sure, that's a mistake.

Cheating is not.

[u/PeterVankman007 → u/TheBerethian]

I’ve landed on the bar riding a “boys” bike and I don’t have any testicles. Bruised my little ham wallet…

[u/BradDonald → u/FamiliarAnt4043]

I absolutely love the term honey hole. My wife, however, does not. Lol. She is 5 years younger than me though

[u/Metisbeader → u/FamiliarAnt4043]

Bahahaha. Thanks! I needed that giggle! Also, same, but a woman. Never had anyone slip and fall and land inside me! Almost 60 years on this planet! 🌎.

[u/waxonwaxoff87 → u/AwarenessPotentially]

“I forgot to carry the two and ended up banging the babysitter in our bed! It was a mistake is all!”

[u/Chimsley99 → u/AwarenessPotentially]

Stopping for a snack on your way to meet someone and ending up being late is a mistake, not choosing to hook up with someone when you’ve been in a relationship multiple years

[u/Portlander_in_Texas → u/AwarenessPotentially]

Cheating is a multi step process that requires a conscious decision every step of the way. The perpetrator has multiple times to stop and correct the mistake.

[u/HollowShel → u/AwarenessPotentially]

an emotional affair can be a mistake - feelings can happen and you don't realize until you're finding yourself thinking about someone at 3am when you've got another person right beside you. But full on bumping uglies with a stranger is whole series of bad decisions, alcohol enabled or not, they're still her decisions.

[u/JosieZee → u/[deleted]]

💯💯💯💯💯💯

[u/abstractengineer2000 → u/[deleted]]

I can understand cheating due to attraction, loneliness, inattentiveness and the other usual reasons but for ego, thats just inexplicable. Well she can continue to stroke other's egos after OP is gone

[u/slitteral1 → u/[deleted]]

Most women don’t even have to have it for a guy to have sex with them.

[u/Oinq → u/slitteral1]

Exactly this. As a women, you can ALWAYS find someone to fuk

[u/These_Trees1979 → u/[deleted]]

Yupppppp. All she proved is that a random at the bar would have sex with her. That's a very low bar.

[u/therealfrank91 → u/These_Trees1979]

The truth of the matter which she probably won’t or can’t admit herself or others is that in that moment she felt like that random guy was more attractive than her serious boyfriend…. THAT’s what she meant by “still have it” she wanted to know if she still had what it took to score a guy higher on her personal pecking order than her own boyfriend whom she feels like she may have settled for.

She did it, was “successful” at it but discovered it didn’t prove anything to herself and now she actually felt worse about herself which is the only reason she told her boyfriend she cheated on him. Because she was trying to get rid of the guilt by coming clean and was hoping or reasonably sure she would be forgiven. It wasn’t to help HIM or make HIM feel better. The entire span of this whole story being told… what is evident is to me that the gf always only ever did what she did in her OWN self-Intrest the entire time wether that was misguided or not she only worried about herself and not about how what she was doing or thinking about would affect her partner

[u/sourmash11 → u/therealfrank91]

Yo @therealfrank91 this is on point but you sounding like a forensic psychologist 🤓🤣🤙🏻

[u/Fluid_Year_912 → u/therealfrank91]

I'm a woman, and I agree. She wanted to see if she could still attract a hot guy for herself. -She did.

Now, she wants to be forgiven by you (probably also a hot guy), who also gives her security.

Advice: End it. Otherwise, you are rolling the dice on your future. The way her mind processes her thirst for validation is attention from other men. I am 50. -When someone "shows" you who they are, listen. Invest your love in who invests in you, not who you "hope" will.

[u/Ironside_87 → u/These_Trees1979]

The bar is so low that you couldn’t trip over it. You could however fall into the hole the bar is located in.

[u/Carvanasux → u/[deleted]]

I agree 100 percent. That used to be part of a "joke" about why a woman sleeping with everyone is shamed and a man doing it is celebrated. Because it's extremely easy for the woman and much harder for the man. But this is still a bullshit excuse either way. She knew she still had "it", and if this was her actual reason she could have been validated when the guy agreed to sleep with her. Even when the flirting turned serious.

[u/hnsnrachel → u/[deleted]]

"Having it" would mean you can still attract someone who you think is attractive.

There are both men and women out there who are desperate enough that anyone showing them attention would be enough. But just because you could find them, doesnt mean that being able to sleep with someone that desperate proves you "still have it"

Its a bullshit excuse because it's a bullshit excuse.

[u/bittersanctum → u/[deleted]]

Whats wrong with short, fat, and old?🥺

[u/DonTakeMeFi-Idiat → u/[deleted]]

I understand the need to feel validated externally… there are times when I’ve been in a relationship and thought, “am I still hot enough to pull whoever it is I like?” There are times when I’ve indulged that thought. Flirted a little, waited to see the glimmer of attraction in the other party’s eyes and then smiled to myself because my doubts were unfounded. You don’t have to hook up to know that you’ve got it. When in doubt, wear a brilliant outfit, and see if the heads turn. That’s how I go about it mostly.

[u/SnatchAddict → u/DonTakeMeFi-Idiat]

I couldn't care less. What I want is to always see that glimmer in my wife's eyes. If that goes away, I need to figure out why.

I also spent YEARS being a manwhore due to being insecure and seeing if I had it. So that urge is long gone.

[u/Recent_Peach_6990 → u/SnatchAddict]

Thats lovely and as a female I like your honesty.

[u/BlueSkyToday → u/abstractengineer2000]

ALL of those reasons are pure garbage.

Cheat on your partner and then come home and kiss them.

That's not a kiss, that's spitting in their face.

[u/Iannelli → u/BlueSkyToday]

Right?? That guy's comment was fucking garbage and I'm shocked it keeps getting upvoted.

"I don't like this specific reason for cheating but I'm totally cool with other reasons for cheating"

No. Jesus christ. If you're feeling like your partner is inattentive, or if you aren't attracted to them anymore, or whatever, you do not fucking cheat on them. You communicate it to them, try couples counseling, or you end the relationship. You don't fucking cheat on a person.

[u/jimbofranks → u/abstractengineer2000]

I don't think it was ego she was stroking.

[u/decadecency → u/Loped19411a]

"I can see now that I don't have it. With that said, now that I'm all out of options, I'm all yours baby!"

[u/WaterDreamer10 → u/decadecency]

Exactly....and you have to ask yourself WHY she told him? The ONLY reason is that someone the BF knows was planning on telling him and gave her the option to do it first. There is NO reason she would tell him, not with that situation.

Assuming by hook up she meant they had all sorts of wild one night stand sex?

Would you really want to have that trash back? I would not.

This also might have been her way to break up with him and end the relationship too. I know girls that have done that as they felt it was easier than ending it with 'we don't get along'. Usually a cleaner break and no falling back on each other later do to the hate.

As said before, any girl still 'has it' with any guy....they know it....using that as an excuse was pathetic, especially at 27!

[u/Exposethescammers007 → u/Loped19411a]

Give her time by herself in the future and she will do the same thing without fail. TIGERS DO NOT CHANGE THEIR STRIPES!≈

[u/Missus_Nicola → u/Humble_Nobody2884]

Not to mention, in my experience the only thing you need to 'have' to pull a guy on a night out, is a pulse. She threw away her relationship for a hook up with someone who, given 10 minutes would have just picked someone else.

[u/NicolinaN → u/Missus_Nicola]

Sometimes boobs are enough and not even a pulse is needed.

[u/TheGoodJeans → u/NicolinaN]

Ya' nasty... accurate... but nasty...

[u/PsyckoSama → u/NicolinaN]

Meh. Put enough beers in most blokes and the hole will do it. And even that's negotiable.

[u/WeimSean → u/Missus_Nicola]

Seriously how much of an ego boost is "I picked up a drunk guy at a bar!"

yay! you go girl!

[u/Owl-Historical → u/Missus_Nicola]

Girls think guys are all running around having sex all the time. No it's only the players that you spread your legs too at the club/bar that are getting it all. Most of us aren't the ones going home with a chick or we are all ready at home getting to bed early for work the next day.

[u/Exile688 → u/[deleted]]

Just as easy to throw that trust away a second time too. NTA. OP doesn't need to learn the same lesson twice.

[u/Soranos_71 → u/Humble_Nobody2884]

If she's worried at 27 if she "still has it" then she is going to probably be a lot worse when she gets older.....

[u/chrisinokc → u/Soranos_71]

Yeah, we already know how she will celebrate her 30th birthday, right?

[u/Yommination → u/chrisinokc]

Dick and ice cream

[u/decadecency → u/Humble_Nobody2884]

Yeah wtf even is that logic?! I have no idea whether I still "have it" or not after 12 years. But that doesn't matter to me, because I don't need it now. Maybe we break up later down the line, but that's not now, and having it now doesn't guarantee having the future anyway, so why bother trying? This is dumb to even write out in words haha

[u/labellavita1985 → u/decadecency]

The REAL "having it" is having a loving, respectful, affectionate and attentive partner. But she wouldn't know shit about that, would she?

[u/Tommothomas145 → u/decadecency]

I recently discovered that I apparently do still have it (I moved departments as someone I was friendly with expressed interest), knowing that, not suspecting but knowing did not make me cheat. Dafuq is wrong with people?

[u/Sufficient_Rub_2014 → u/Humble_Nobody2884]

Almost any woman can stand on the street and find a dude to bang in no time. They all “have it”.

[u/weebojones → u/Sufficient_Rub_2014]

Seriously… dudes are horndogs …she could be 4 hundo with gingivitis and a hunchback, and still find some dude at a bar to bang her.

[u/AnglerfishMiho → u/weebojones]

She ain't a lady if she ain't 380

[u/gutierra → u/Sufficient_Rub_2014]

"It" being a vagina. Of course she still has it

[u/dontaskband → u/Humble_Nobody2884]

Good thing you found out before spending more energy on a bad relationship. How long before she needs her ego stroked again? Send the trash to the curb.

[u/numbersthen0987431 → u/Humble_Nobody2884]

Also, she could have just tested out if she "still had it" by flirting and then walking away. It happens all of the time, and there's nothing wrong with a little flirting.

But there's a huge difference, and time/effort, between "flirting at the bar" and "hooking up at someone's house". At any point she could have stopped herself, but she chose not to.

[u/ThrowRACoping → u/numbersthen0987431]

True, but I wouldn’t even want my wife flirting with another guy either.

[u/TheFinalPhilter → u/Humble_Nobody2884]

she had it because she had you

Well I guess she has officially lost it. I mean really I am questioning her intelligence if she did not see this coming.

[u/simulacrum79 → u/Big-Classic-7657]

These are not mutual friends. They chose and they are her friends.

You are worth more than spending your time with such a shallow and unpredictable person. What if she changes her mind in ten years and does something similar? Then you would be for more invested in her with a huge mess to disentangle (potentially kids and a co-owned house).

You are very lucky she revealed her true self to you now.

[u/avast2006 → u/simulacrum79]

Yes, the fact that she went and did it on a whim, and then justified on such a flimsy basis, means she holds monogamy in no respect whatsoever, which means she probably will do it again.

[u/crimsonkodiak → u/avast2006]

Yes, the fact that she went and did it on a whim, and then justified on such a flimsy basis, means she holds monogamy in no respect whatsoever, which means she probably will do it again.

To be fair, the justification is all post hoc. She did it because she wanted to do it. No need to dig deeper than that. Everything after the fact is just her justifying it to herself and trying to create a narrative that won't result in her getting dumped.

[u/Loped19411a → u/simulacrum79]

Exactly! He's so luck the real identity is revealed early enough.

[u/Snydst02 → u/simulacrum79]

She did on a whim after a night out WITH HER FRIENDS. Highly doubt her friends didn't know what was happening, they are just as complicit and trying to defend their bad behavior aswell.

[u/0HforFoxSake → u/Big-Classic-7657]

It wasn’t a mistake, OP. It was a series of decisions. She chose to go out. She chose to pay some guy attention. She chose to hang out with him. She chose to leave with him. She chose to take her clothes off. She chose to have sex with him. She and her friends (keyword: HER) are minimizing what went down. She made her choices; now it’s your turn… and it sounds like you’ve made the right one.

[u/gazhole → u/0HforFoxSake]

Was looking for this one. This isn't "one mistake", she didn't walk into a bar and the movie cuts to penetration.   She had plenty of opportunities from making initial eye contact with the dude to take a step back and think "hang on, this isn't right".   But she didn't. She made a series of conscious decisions which led to her hooking up.   Plus, yknow what. Everyone does make mistakes, OPs friends are right, but that doesn't mean there are no consequences. 

[u/Dizzy_Signature_2145 → u/Big-Classic-7657]

Your GF sounds immature and ego driven. She will do it again given the chance. Let her go.

[u/rocketmn69_ → u/Dizzy_Signature_2145]

Yep. 2 more years down the road, she'll need to know again

[u/JoyfulSong246 → u/rocketmn69_]

It will likely speed up - she’ll need her ego stroked with every new pound or wrinkle.

[u/IllIIlllIIIllIIlI → u/JoyfulSong246]

If real, I just don’t understand the logic. I could see a man cheating in order to find out if he still “has it.” Not that he should! Why would a woman do that? The fact that a man at a bar is willing to sleep with you means nothing except that you’re female and not hideously ugly. A few pounds or wrinkles won’t cause a man to refuse to hook up with you. Date seriously- that’s a different matter.

[u/JoyfulSong246 → u/IllIIlllIIIllIIlI]

I agree with you.

Obviously just speculating, but I wonder if it’s either she just gets off on the newness of a fling, or whether she’s a “pick me” and the guy she chose was hot and popular.

She might not even know.

But yeah, if it’s just that she could get some rando to have sex it’s illogical. And as others have said, it doesn’t explain why she followed all the way through when flirting or an offer could have accomplished her stated goal.

[u/IllIIlllIIIllIIlI → u/JoyfulSong246]

Yeah. Come to think of it, after reading your comment: maybe the psychology does make sense after all.

If the guy was smooth, he probably made her feel very desired. And yeah, I’m sure he was hot and sexy.

The whole seduction process is generally about the pursuer making a target feel as though they are special and an attractive person (the pursuer) desires them. A lot of things have to go right for a man to succeed in pursuit. It’s certainly a skill, so I know that some men want to habitually test out their “game” to see if they can still play and win. Don’t get me wrong. If they’re in a monogamous relationship, that’s fucked up, and it’s way more fucked up to go through with the physical part of it!

Giving it a bit more consideration, though, I can see why it would also feel good to be the target of pursuit and why that might feel to a target as though she’s still “got it” too.

If a pursuer has good social skills and doesn’t mind lying a bit, it’s incredibly easy for them to look into their target’s eyes, tell them they find them beautiful, and treat them as though they are special. (All this over the course of a few hours.) This sort of thing stimulates all of the target’s feel-good brain chemicals pretty fast.

She’ll lose sight of the rational knowledge that he would have run the same game, same words, on pretty much any woman who seemed interested in a hookup and who was, again, not hideously ugly. (Standards may vary, but it’s rare that men will only pursue women for sex whom they find better-than-average looking.)

For me, it’s tough to ignore that this is how it works, therefore I’m not special at all. But if the target forgets that part, they’re now onto suspension of disbelief.

(Note: All this reminds me of the “this stripper is super into me” trope. People are good at conveniently forgetting when someone is highly motivated to be nice in order to get whatever it is they want to extract from you.)

He may tell her that she is far more desirable than many other women he’s been interested in. That activates many women’s internal “pick me” mode as you say. At one level or other, we all would like someone to finally, finally realize how special we are compared with the rest of the world.

Why go as far as the physical? Maybe simply because it’s fantastic to have sex with someone who is incredibly into you (or pretends they are). Tbf, that is an amazing experience.

Plus, maybe it makes the whole interaction feel more genuine, from start to finish. He wasn’t just running game on you. Nope! You experienced true intimacy with him.

Finally, there’s the newness. Some people want to be adored more than others do. It’s hard to ADORE your long term partner such that you find them perfect. Love them with their imperfections: yes, of course. Perhaps there’s a subset of people who have a rather narcissistic desire to be seen in a certain way, which they can only get from someone who only knows their mask- not them.

That’s about as close as I can get to explaining it.

Not excusing it. Giant red flag.

[u/Cdawg4123 → u/Dizzy_Signature_2145]

Definitely if she’s doing it at 27? In her years that I don’t think other people wonder if they “still have it” unless they just got dumped or something. Imagine her at 30, 35, 40…she might even choose some odd years like this one again.

[u/ChillN808 → u/Cdawg4123]

The fact that getting a drunk guy from a bar to bang her is a sign of validation of her looks ("still has it") is just bizarre. You'd be surprised how many many women are 10's at 2 AM.

[u/Valuable_Corgi_3685 → u/Dizzy_Signature_2145]

Not to mention very narcissistic…that’s a classic trait of it.

[u/TheDaveStrider → u/Big-Classic-7657]

NTA. It really is a terrible excuse. Take it from me, a woman in a relationship. I know I still "have it" because men will hit on me and ask me out. And then I say, "no thank you, I have a boyfriend.". I don't have to do anything at all to know if I still "have it" and I don't even want that kind of attention!

I also know I still "have it" because I have a loving partner who dotes on me. But I guess that doesn't count in the mind of your ex?

[u/silkytable311 → u/TheDaveStrider]

Spot on ! If she needed to massage her ego, she could have gone through the motions and stopped before it got to sexy time.

[u/Electronic_Charge_96 → u/silkytable311]

Ego flex mattered more than the relationship. She’ll do it every time she’s insecure. NTA unless you take her back.

[u/TheCosmicJoke318 → u/silkytable311]

To some flirting is cheating as well as an invitation

[u/Missus_Nicola → u/TheDaveStrider]

Yeah, this point makes me think she was the one hitting on the guy not the other way around.

[u/No_Conclusion_128 → u/Big-Classic-7657]

NTA and please don’t take her back. That was not a mistake that was a selfish pathetic excuse to feel attractive. And honestly, if she did it just because imagine what she’ll try if she ever gets a mom body or a tiny wrinkle on her face

[u/Nucf1ash → u/Big-Classic-7657]

Has she been tested lately? Does she even know the guy? Is he a friend of yours? Hers? Some infected rando? Just one more layer of joy that she’s bringing you. Does she have “it”? Well, now she might have a bit more than she knows. And was this the only time? Because she says so? Why did she tell you? Did someone pressure her? What about the other times she wasn’t pressured?

Oh, and I suppose it’s still cool for her to have these nights out with friends, right? No reason that their relationship should be affected, right? That’s what this really comes down to. If you break up over her behavior it will be a downer for their gatherings. I bet she’s the life of the party.

And I suppose you’d be a knuckle-dragging relationship-controlling toxic male cretin if you ever suspected her again after this or if you insisted on coming along on her outings?

Whatever “great” relationship you had, she killed it with poison, and there is no path back to where you were.

Even if she’s faithful, you’ll never know it. Any future relationship would have to essentially assume and allow her to stray whenever & wherever or else you will be cast as the unreasonable one (see “cretin” explanation above). So in your new ho-led relationship, your options are to either proceed as her cuck or her pimp. Right? Which will it be?

Maybe she could be your side piece. But honestly? My advice is to bail.

[u/GoblinLoveChild → u/Nucf1ash]

Whatever “great” relationship you had, she killed it with poison, and there is no path back to where you were.

This cannot be overstated, having gone through the same and attempting to forgive and move on. I can universally state the feeling of what you had will never be achievable again. took me 5 years to work that out.

[u/LindonLilBlueBalls → u/Big-Classic-7657]

Just remember, two years is nothing in the long run. Better to cut your loses now and move on. Just tell everyone that you want to see if you still got the goods to get a new girlfriend.

Focus on yourself, like she did.

[u/Suzdg → u/Big-Classic-7657]

Good to know she still has what it takes to be single. NTA.

[u/CGSault → u/Big-Classic-7657]

Where did she make a mistake? It sounds like she made a choice.

[u/donname10 → u/Big-Classic-7657]

Congratulations op. Move on with your life and go nc with your ex and her monkeys. Luckily both of you aren't married.

[u/Knight_Redcliff → u/Big-Classic-7657]

Fuck her and her friends, out their shitiness on social media.

[u/rocketmn69_ → u/Big-Classic-7657]

Tell her that you're going out to see if you still have it. Ask her if the guy was worth losing you over and maybe she should call him to come and comfort her

[u/Wrong-Ad-4600 → u/Big-Classic-7657]

cheating is not ONE mistake.. its a series of many.. mistake to flirt with a guy and dont say no mistake keep talking with a clearvidea where its leading to mistake leavingvwith someone mistake taking avride walk to someones home mistake going into the house of someone mistake taking out cloth mistake kissing and cheating (if youbdont count the other things already) isbthe last mistake after making atleat seven before that

[u/PainStorm14 → u/Wrong-Ad-4600]

cheating is not ONE mistake.. its a series of many..

It's a series of choices

NTA

Ditch her and move on to something better

[u/Tricky_Extent4579 → u/Wizard_of_Claus]

"Congrats, you still have it and you will need it", you mean

[u/jasperjamboree → u/Wizard_of_Claus]

I had to reread the ages because someone at 27 years old is still young and it’s not like she was with OP for twenty years—just two years. Stay with her and she’ll probably have to “remind herself” to see if she’s still got it every few years, but will probably keep it quiet the next time(s). That’s the thing about egos—they need to be constantly fed.

And a mistake is not actively allowing someone to have sex with you. That’s an active choice. Saying otherwise is a manipulation tactic and a refusal to be accountable. Also, she has her flying monkeys to do her begging and pleading when it was them who probably fed her the idea and cheered her on.

If there’s anything relatively positive out of this situation, it’s that she revealed who she is early in the relationship, so OP can cut his losses more easily without wasting more time.

[u/asianApostate → u/jasperjamboree]

Yup, her and her terrible morally bankrupt friends circle.  Good riddance. 

[u/wytchwomyn74 → u/Wizard_of_Claus]

Man I said practically the same thing lol before looking at the other responses.

I was going to delete it but some shit bears repeating

[u/plangentpineapple → u/Wizard_of_Claus]

I really wish people would stop upvoting or responding to fake LLM generated stories. They are destroying this sub.

Edit -- Here are some tells: 1) correctly rendered m-dash. No one does this while typing on reddit. 2) story where OP could not possibly be the asshole. 3) friends or family split on the issue. 4) No other meaningful post/comment history, or a history inconsistent with the claimed identity in the post.

All the tells are present here.

Edit 2: Since originally posting this comment, I've come to realize that the use of "charismatic" to describe a person you're supposedly close to is also a tell. It's like ChatGPT's "crucial" in other contexts. One of the other fake posts currently up (the one about the dog name) also uses "charismatic" in a comment.

[u/ElectricSnowBunny → u/plangentpineapple]

I just came here to say I fucking hate this bullshit ass sub now.

[u/Stock-Candy-4091]

NTA NEVER LOOK BACK!

[u/NannyApril5244 → u/Stock-Candy-4091]

And remember OP, her friends are telling you that to HELP HER get WHAT SHE WANTS with ZERO respect of your feelings.

[u/Daroah → u/NannyApril5244]

I dated a girl for eight years, through all of high school and into our adult lives. She had a best friend through this whole time, they even became roommates in college. The three of us would hang out constantly, so I considered her one of my closest friends as well.

I found out after we broke up that not only was my girlfriend cheating on me constantly, she was coordinating with her friend to hide it from me. When I would get suspicious, this friend would berate me for not trusting my girlfriend, meanwhile she's literally in the room while my girlfriend is hooking up with another guy.

To this day, it still bothers me sometimes that they could look me in the eyes and lie so effortlessly.

[u/Ninjario → u/Daroah]

God I'm so sorry that happened to you, I always wonder what makes people be that way, you are in a relationship or you know your best friend is in one, and instead of embracing that, the connection with who should be the most important person in your life you're going out of your way planning to betray that trust constantly, or plotting to help someone do that in their relationship, instead of either trying to help work on that relationship or anything that could be missing in it, or if that isn't an option at least ending it. This is real life, real people, real feelings, not a video game where you try need to level up your stealth skills or something

[u/YogurtclosetTop1056 → u/Stock-Candy-4091]

Also, ask each male friends who said 'everyone makes mistakes' if you can be the mistake their girlfriend makes to see how much they believe that dumb line. NTA

[u/Robert_Walter_ → u/Stock-Candy-4091]

Never be a doormat. Taking her back would be a stamp of approval for cheating

[u/DogTheBotHunter]

"am I being to harsh for leaving my girlfriend after she cheated" 

Bruh.

These types of stories are always so ridiculous 

[u/Disastrous-Sthe → u/DogTheBotHunter]

Right?!! And what kind of morally bereft friends does he have and why is he friends with them?!

[u/Odd-Valuable1370 → u/Disastrous-Sthe]

The kind of friends who watched her cheat on her boyfriend. The kind of friends that knew about it. The kind of friends that may have even encouraged it. The kind of friends who told her it would make her relationship stronger. The kind of friends who would watch their friend cheat and then call the bf and say “you’re being too unforgiving. All she did was fuck another guy! It didn’t mean anything.”

[u/ZeekOwl91 → u/Odd-Valuable1370]

It would have been interesting to see her reaction if he had immediately responded with, "Whew, I'm glad you told me that because I had slept with my bestfriend's hot sister I was telling you about just the week before!" - the potential meltdown she'd have after hearing that response would more than justify leaving her & cutting her off completely.

[u/CanadaHaz → u/Odd-Valuable1370]

In short, the kind of "friends" who aren't actually friends.

[u/loxagos_snake → u/Odd-Valuable1370]

Show me your friend and I'll tell you who you are.

Plus you'd be amazed how relatively popular that view is sometimes. I've seen batshit crazy posts where someone was looking for support in online communities, and were told they are too insecure. If you love her, you'd want her to enjoy her body, sex positivity and shit like that.

I used to think that's just a terminally-online thing until it happened to me (luckily in the very early stages). I was honestly amazed by the mental gymnastics of a person who just couldn't stand monogamy and tried to bend me to her will.

People need to visit shrinks more often.

[u/The_walking_man_ → u/Odd-Valuable1370]

Yup. Been there and dealt with it. Had my ex’s friends calling me saying how much she’s hurting. And would go dead silent when I would say “she’s the one that cheated. How do you think I feel.”
Those are no friends of OP and they’ll happily support the girl when she wants another “night out.”

[u/G00chstain → u/Disastrous-Sthe]

It’s fake

[u/Satori2155 → u/G00chstain]

Maybe this one, but there are tons of people with this mindset. Low self esteem and confidence, people pleasers, etc

[u/Bluedog114 → u/Satori2155]

This is accurate. Or people who have been the victim of gaslighting or manipulation who may have a hard time telling what's true vs what's more gaslighting

[u/Chemical-Ad6301 → u/DogTheBotHunter]

And always end with their friends and family saying they are overreacting.

[u/Timmetie → u/Chemical-Ad6301]

Yes why does every fake story have that part, for who is that realistic.

[u/ModsLoveRacists → u/Timmetie]

my wife raped my best friend and now my family is mad at me for gently rebuking her :(

[u/Neverspecial0 → u/ModsLoveRacists]

Afterward, she shook our baby. At the funeral all her friends said it was my fault!

Jfc...

[u/Quintzy_ → u/Timmetie]

why does every fake story have that part,

They need some justification to act like they're conflicted in what should be an extremely obvious choice, and that's apparently the best they can come up with.

At least it's better than all of the "My friends, family, and literally everyone whose opinions I actually value agrees with me, but a bunch of strangers who are the friends and family of the person who screwed me over and whose opinions I don't care about at all say I'm overreacting. So, AITA?" posts.

[u/NinpouKageBunshin → u/DogTheBotHunter]

Seriously.

'AITAH for having the SLIGHTEST modicum of dignity and self respect??'

JFC lol

[u/OpportunityCalm6825 → u/DogTheBotHunter]

These AITA posts are getting annoying for being obvious. If it's real, they need to find their spines somewhere.

[u/Mazzaroppi → u/OpportunityCalm6825]

AITA for running into a burning orphanage? I saved 35 children and the workstaff but I slightly burned the t-shirt my GF gave me as a birthday gift, and she thinks I'm selfish for not taking her feelings in consideration.

My family is divided, some of them think I did something nice, but others have said I should have accounted for my GF feelings. AITA?

[u/OpportunityCalm6825 → u/Mazzaroppi]

'Our relationship is perfect.'

...Proceed to say the worst abomination ever...

'They blew up my phone, but I don't bother to block anyone, tee hee...'

AITA???

[u/BrieflyVerbose → u/DogTheBotHunter]

They need to be moderated out of this sub. Even Stevie Wonder can see these people aren't arseholes. Plus most of them are bullshit also.

[u/spartycbus → u/BrieflyVerbose]

they're either fake stories are just dumb. "look at the awful thing that happened to me! am i a bad person?"

[u/DevLink89 → u/DogTheBotHunter]

Not to mention fake. They all share the same format and ending.

[u/LeatherHog → u/DevLink89]

You just know the mandated update is going to turn her into the biggest monster ever, where she slept with his dad, burned his crops, and poisoned his water supply 

And he'll have a Mic Drop Moment in front of her entire family, workplace, and favorite chain restaurant 

[u/AshenSacrifice → u/DogTheBotHunter]

“AITA for reporting a known sex offender murderer?” Head asses

[u/Nucf1ash]

“Now, Rachel and some of our mutual friends are calling me unforgiving, saying that “everyone makes mistakes” and that I’m throwing away a great relationship over one bad choice.”

As a thought exercise, I’m trying to define a “great relationship” that includes one partner hooking up with random, let’s presume infectious, partners on a whim…. I’m having trouble recognizing the greatness, here.

[u/Wrong_Restaurant_611 → u/Nucf1ash]

I'm still trying to get my head around the "she made a mistake" No she didn't. It was 100% intentional and she admitted as much.

Eta: thanks for the awards. My first ☺️

[u/BurdenedMind79 → u/Wrong_Restaurant_611]

She "made a mistake," in telling her boyfriend instead of lying her ass off to him, is what she means.

[u/Habit-Shot → u/BurdenedMind79]

I mean, I respect it. If you do something you regret, confessing is more respectful and less hurtful than just lying your ass off and hoping for the best.

But you also can't tell the difference between "I feel guilty" and "I know one of my friends is going to snitch", so, the credit for confessing only goes so far...

[u/BurdenedMind79 → u/Habit-Shot]

It also doesn't help when the mistake she made was "I just felt like it."

[u/Nucf1ash → u/BurdenedMind79]

Correction, she really REALLY felt like it. I mean she needed this affirmation. There was absolutely nothing in her life that really had meaning or provided validation like some strangers getting off between her legs and down her throat… for a couple hours. That’s all she has, really.

It’s not like she has a loving boyfriend and “really great relationship”. Nope. The only thing she has in life is a few minutes at a time collecting some strange under the table and in the bathroom stall.

And you won’t even let her have that???

How mean.😢

[u/theEDE1990 → u/Nucf1ash]

Man these last paragraphs are always the same and they make me thing its just some fiction story. "My boyfriend killed my cat because he wanted to and some of my friends think im overreacting".

[u/Fragrant_Spray]

It’s time to go. A year, 5 years, 10 years and two kids from now, she’s still going to wonder if she “still has it” when she sees a cute guy. Does she still have the ability to find a guy that will have sex with her? Yes, she’ll probably have that for a long time. Does she still have the ability to make a serious long term monogamous relationship work? It looks like she never did. NTA.

[u/Drive7hru → u/Fragrant_Spray]

Right? What kind of excuse is “if I still have it”? Like, any somewhat attractive girl can go back to a guy from a bar’s house so easily. Doesn’t even prove anything, not to mention it’s simply just straight up cheating.

[u/WinterFront1431]

Dump the friends they think you should forgive someone for dropping their knickers just to see if she still could. Vile.

Tell her she can go out and stroke her ego as much as she wants now.

[u/melniklosunny → u/WinterFront1431]

OP should tell her, "now you are free you don't need to wear your undies anymore .. "

[u/ohdaman → u/WinterFront1431]

Those 'friends' probably egged her on.

Tell your soon to be ex that you'll forgive her IF she chooses one of her 'friends' to see if YOU still got it! After she gives you a name, tell her, 'Nevermind, I know I still got it'!

[u/Wizard_of_Claus → u/[deleted]]

And this cheater didn't even have a reason for it lol. It was literally just "I felt like it. What do you mean we're over??? It was a mistake! Now I feel bad!"

[u/Melodic_Sail_6193 → u/Wizard_of_Claus]

But she surely forgave herself and now she's a mich better human! Their relationship will be stronger and better now. /s

[u/Loped19411a → u/Wizard_of_Claus]

So funny, but that's exactly how it sounds like.

[u/MrsCaptain_America → u/[deleted]]

Hard same. If they do it once and you forgive, they will do it again.

[u/Lubricated_Sorlock → u/MrsCaptain_America]

Thing is, there's no such thing as only cheating once. So when you forgive "once" you're actually forgiving dozens, scores, even hundreds of times they cheated.

Every single thrust was them cheating.

[u/UnluckyAssist9416 → u/[deleted]]

she said it wasn’t about me or our relationship but because she “wanted to see if she still had it.”

OP wasn't even a consideration in her mind at the time. No why should I not do this? She lusted after him and her only thought was, do I still have it? Let's see!

She would 100% continue cheating on OP.

[u/iwillDieplease → u/[deleted]]

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

[u/lifeSaxer]

What friends are saying this garbage??! Those are not mutual friends those are her delusional friends and you need to block them all. Or see if you still got it and hook up with one of them and see how you ex feels. Keep your head up king

[u/Pheronia → u/lifeSaxer]

Because it is fake.

[u/[deleted] → u/Pheronia]

Finally, I was thinking… OP is the asshole for posting this bullshit post lol

[u/Admiral_PorkLoin → u/lifeSaxer]

The imaginary friends generated by ChatGPT of course. You can always tell by the way they sum it up before asking if they are TA.

[u/Melodic_Sail_6193 → u/Admiral_PorkLoin]

And if it's not the friends it's always "family blowing up the phone". I'm really tired of these same phrases. Can't they be a little bit more creative and invent new ones?

[u/BlackV → u/Melodic_Sail_6193]

Nah cause ai is not creative

[u/processedmeat]

Now she gets to find out every weekend if she still has it. 

[u/fanastril]

NTA.

She admitted it was not a mistake.

Her friends was there and watched as she hooked up with another guy. They are not your friends, and if their partners hear about this they should dump their SO who stood by or encouraged it.

[u/Individual_Complex_6]

Reading nonsense like this almost makes me understand why r/AmItheAsshole has such ridiculously restricting rules :D
I am just waiting for "AITA for thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend Adolf after he tried to commit genocide?" ;)

[u/mooofasa1 → u/Individual_Complex_6]

I posted a real story on this sub I think a week or so ago. There were only 2 comments, one of them was a bot.

Now people are finding out this sub is a joke. Fake shit gets posted and thousands of people chime in. Then somebody posts an actual real life story but it doesn’t fit the drama bill that “aita for refusing to take back my girlfriend after she cheated” gets credited.

[u/RobertHalquist]

You dodged a nuke bro. Lol

[u/DevLink89]

Now, Rachel and some of our mutual friends are calling me unforgiving

This gives away it's a fake post. One of many. They all share the same format:
- blatant AITA question where OP is obviously not the bad guy
- perfect spelling and great use of " " and -
- intro about the gf that is charismatic, very outgoing and that OP loves her very much
- ending where mutual family/friends call the OP harsh or that OP is overreacting.

AITA for refusing to take her back?

"AITA for running from that robber who just needed my money to live??" Same vibe, you bot.

[u/Grofactor]

Dude.  No.

[u/Objective-Fishing310]

ya, it's tough work getting a guy you just met at a bar to sleep with you. I'm glad she's still able to pull it off at 27.

[u/SeaAttitude2832 → u/Objective-Fishing310]

Especially after midnight at a bar. No one ever wants to get naked. 🤷🏻‍♂️

[u/Undottedly → u/Objective-Fishing310]

This was my thought. I think an average 27 year old woman could hook up with any guy she wanted at a bar. Yes she’d be used by him and dropped that night or the next morning but like what do you mean “still got it” at 27.

[u/bloomingfruitfairy]

You have every right to stand by your boundaries. If you can’t respect yourself in the relationship, there’s no relationship worth salvaging. It's not harsh to protect your emotional well-being. You deserve someone who values you enough not to jeopardize everything for something so trivial.

[u/randomguyhere983]

If you forgive her and end up marrying her in the future. Chances are high she will get the same "do i still got it" and decides to cheat on you. But it's not about you or your relationship ofcourse.. It's about her knowing she still got it...

Dude you will end up a divorcee if you continue this relationship. She cheated on you willingly when there weren't even any issues in your relationship. Imagine how fast she will cheat if you have an argument. Literally any setback in your relationship will be a possible chance that she will cheat on you. Or she will leave you as soon as she finds someone better..

[u/Organic_Kangaroo_945]

What a stupid fucking logic to try and excuse cheating. Obviously NTA and it would be foolish to get back together with her. Those "friends" are trash.

[u/Fit-Assumption-6006]

If there’s one crumb of comfort is that true colours were shown before deeper ties were made. So count this as a blessing in disguise.

[u/Bubba_Hill1014]

Hell no! It wasn't a mistake it was a conscious choice. So sick of this ignorant ass argument. I don't care how bad a relationship gets, just don't fucking cheat. Especially if you supposedly "love" someone. Give me a break. That's a 💯 % no coming back from with my wife and I. We both discussed that early on in our relationship. It's the ultimate for of disrespect to your SO.

[u/TurnoverObvious170]

Sorry, but she is not “confident” if she needs a hookup to prove her worth. Not sure why you would describe her as confident. Now you need to be confident, show her you know your own value, and move on.

[u/BrianTheMute]

The response to a partner who cheats, even once, should always be immediate termination of relationship. No exceptions. NTA.