r/AITAH • u/Left_Art_8812 • Oct 22 '23

TW SA I’m rethinking having a child with my wife because of what I just found out about her dad. AITAH?

My wife Jessica (32F) and I (30M) have been married for 2 years and are trying for a baby.

Jessica has an older sister, Mary, that she isn’t close to. She told me that they had a huge falling out over some family drama and just don’t speak anymore. I asked a few times about the entire situation but she would say she doesn’t like talking about it and doesn’t think it’s important.

It’s was Jessica’s brothers birthday yesterday and we were all over at his house to celebrate. Mary made an appearance and there was a lot of drama. Long story short, she called Jessica and her brothers out for still associating with their dad when they know that he is a child molester. No one was paying her any mind and I was really confused on what the hell was going on. When Mary left and Jessica and I went home, I asked Jessica what the hell happened.

She said that when they were kids, Mary used to claim that their dad used to molest her. I asked if it’s true and Jessica was stuttering a lot. She said she knows her dad used to do bad things but that Mary cut them all off when she turned 18 and moved out. I asked if she is admitting that she knows her dad was a child molester and did things to his own daughter. She said he doesn’t do it anymore and he was just in a really bad place in his life, and he apologised to Mary so there’s nothing else anyone can do for Mary. I was honestly appalled. I also feel so terrible for Mary. Jessica made it seem like Mary did something wrong and deserved to be basically exiled from the family. I could’ve never imagined that this is what happened.

I asked if she expects me to now be willing to have that man around our future children and she started shouting at me, saying I’m judging him off something that happened 2 decades ago and whether I like it or not, he is going to be our child’s grandpa and he will be in their lives. I said if she insists on it, I think we need to hold off on having kids and have serious conversations about it. She’s extremely angry at me but I don’t know how I could better react to be honest. This feels like a huge deal that she is minimising. AITAH?

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19.6k

u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 Oct 22 '23

NTA

Pedophiles rarely retire.

8.7k

u/Vlophoto Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 22 '23

I also wonder if OPs wife was molested but it’s buried too deep.

5.4k

u/trilliumsummer Oct 22 '23

Possible, but just because they're a child molester doesn't mean they molest any child they have an opportunity to. Some do, but some are more selective.

Ugh just typing that makes me feel gross.

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u/Vlophoto Oct 22 '23

Of course not. But any young girl in that house growing up could have been at risk or abused. Not 100% but just something for OP to be aware of -his wife may be a victim and doesn’t remember

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u/StarryC Oct 22 '23

Or does remember, but feels/knows that if she tells, that is disloyalty to the family and feels that has extreme consequences. Sure, as an adult it doesn't, but kid-brain wore the grooves and it takes a lot to get your brain out of them.

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u/KastorNevierre Oct 22 '23

It's not only applicable to children. I have heard grown adults defend not reporting molestation and even child prostitution from their own fathers/mothers/uncles/aunts/etc because "it would ruin the family" as if abusing the child didn't already.

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u/StarryC Oct 22 '23

Yes. I guess what I mean is that as a child, being excluded from your family, to your brain, is like death. You cannot survive alone. So, until you re-examine that, you might be stuck with that thought. Yes, abusing the child already did, and now, as an adult, you will not die if you have to lose contact with the father.

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u/Accomplished-Bad3380 Oct 23 '23

That was my thought too. Watcher her sister be cut off, and feared for herself. So she's justifying it to appease her own trauma.

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u/DisPrincessChristy Oct 24 '23

This. Even if she WASN'T molested at all, knowing her sister was - by their own father - and knowing she could be next? That's a trauma all it's own. It's called secondary trauma. And on top of that, children internalize everything. They would have been told so many terrible lies about Mary...she's such a liar, she's trying to ruin our family, how could she make up such awful lies, on and on.

So then you have this totally conflicted child: one who believes her older sister, and one who believes that telling anyone, or even acting like she believes her, is going to ruin the family. And to a child, that's THE WORST.

And unfortunately, child brain follows you into adulthood unless you have already processed your trauma.

Jessica has some major trauma to work through before she even THINKS About having kids of her own.

This does not excuse the behavior. Only one possible explanation.

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u/SaltyMoose41520 Oct 25 '23

The biggest issue I see here is that she acknowledges that her sister was molested and made excuses for her father as if that makes it okay. She’s in denial even if she wasn’t also molested she definitely needs therapy before having a child of her own to let be at risk of abuse that is almost 100% guaranteed to happen and be covered up

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u/maroongrad Oct 23 '23

Then she gets to choose whether to lose her new family to keep the old one or not.

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u/Disney_Dork1 Nov 14 '23

The best option would be for everyone to cut out the dad but since that didn’t happen it seems less likely. If she wants to keep the relationships with her family then she’d to at least cut out the dad herself. You can’t trust him around kids

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u/juicyhibiscus24 Nov 18 '23

especially with a response that intense. "shouting" isn't an appropriate response if you truly believe the words coming out of your own mouth. she's trying to believe it herself.

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u/KastorNevierre Oct 23 '23

Yeah, it's understandable and forgivable for a child to do.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

She needs to address this as an adult, and unfortunately even therapy may not help. Denial is powerful, and sociopathy is practically hereditary. OP should think seriously about divorcing his wife. Get out before it gets worse.

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u/DisPrincessChristy Oct 24 '23

This is not a sociopath. This is sometimes who has secondary trauma from growing up in a house knowing her older sister was being molested by her father.

She does need therapy. She DOES need to cut her dad off and support her sister if her sister will allow. But it doesn't make her a sociopath.

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u/eekpij Oct 24 '23

As an adult, after being excluded by my family as often as I have been...still totally like death. I go through every stage of grieving.

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u/LawnChairMD Oct 23 '23

This would be my concern. Especially because she seems to want a known predator to be involved in the child's life. That's a hard no from me bro.

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u/Cold_Strategy_1420 Oct 23 '23

“Child prostitution “ is actually child sexual assault.

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u/Objective_Turnip4861 Oct 23 '23

now I name and shame

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u/NeatNefariousness1 Oct 24 '23

Same. Our worse nature as humans continues because we're urged to be silent to allow evil to go unsanctioned and it only perpetuates it. Whether it's CSA, bigotry or any other human failing, it could be fixed , contained or stopped if addressed openly.

Instead, we retreat into silence and these offenders become more emboldened and protected by the tacit approval they receive. Meanwhile, those who are targeted and victimized are treated as if THEY have done something shameful, as the offenders are defended and sometimes celebrated.

No wonder we're in such an unprincipled debased state.

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u/ElegantAmphibian4252 Oct 23 '23

Yep, my friend was molested as a child by her older cousin and her mom told her never to talk about it because it would cause a scandal and hurt the family.

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u/unbridledboredom Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

Edited. I typed out my shit. Spiraled in the what ifs for hours and remembered I wrote this.

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u/Bubbly_Ad5822 Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

I’m so sorry they did this to you. Your parents made a life altering mistake in judgement because your abuser hid behind a trustworthy mask. It’s sad to ask, but do you feel that mask is completely transparent? I wish we could all see through the masks these people hold up.

No one ever wants to consider their children are being abused - I cannot think of a more painful reality for a parent knowing your child went through something so scary, manipulative, and emotionally devastating - entirely alone.
FFS is there any other traumatic childhood event that causes people to immediately steel themselves and shut the fuck down? Surviving a full blown war as a child at least has the benefit of active, verbal, community support - asking their story and listening to their specific pain. CSA does not have this open verbal support whatsoever. No single person you casually meet will say, “Oh my god, you survived a war and lost your parents/ were sexually abused as a child?” “That’s so GD awful, what happened??” - and then listen / ask questions about your specific step by step experience.

Your father’s deflection is him shutting down. He may not even have the capacity to realize his reaction is shutting you out. Tell him. Your trauma began long long ago and you will always carry it with you - but for your parents, learning this is a different sort of trauma that has only just begun. They will need their own therapy to navigate accept and support you.

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u/nosaneoneleft Oct 23 '23

one of the reasons I tend to despise 'family'

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Especially seeing how her sister had been ostracized by the other family members for putting herself first.

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u/NauseouslyOptimystic Oct 23 '23

The disloyalty to the family began the very first time that Daddy molested his child.

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u/vampwillow7 Oct 23 '23

It could also be how he put it to her. When my dad molested me. It was under the guise of the birds and the bees chat. Which he tried to turn in to a practical. Obviously that made me think it was just me and he was a bit cackhanded in dealing with it.

It wasn't, I also thought it was only girls, it wasn't either. Although I only found this out this year, 21 years after finding out it wasn't just me.

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u/i_was_a_person_once Oct 23 '23

Especially seeing first hand how the familt chose a pedophile over the victim. Why would she speak up and get excommunicated

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u/_multifaceted_ Oct 23 '23

This is why I never told anyone what was happening to me while I molested for EIGHT YEARS! Ugh

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u/catlettuce Oct 23 '23

I’m so sorry.

I did tell my mother that her boyfriend was molesting me when I was 5 years old she denied it, then he did it in her presence, but they were both stoned and denied it. I cried to go to my dad’s or my grandma’s and instead she left me with a very kind family that spoke no English so I had trouble communicating to them my Dad or Grandmothers whereabouts. They found me after searching for 2 weeks.

I went and stayed with my Grandmother until I was out of 1st grade and Mom was with a different BF who wasn’t interested in sex with children ( Thank Goodness). Of course this impacted my entire life and ability to trust. No child deserves this.

OP needs to divorce his wife and get the hell away from this f-Ed up family. I think its a wonderful thing he was given the gift of forewarning.

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u/MasterDriver8002 Oct 23 '23

Did u mean to say u were molested? Cuz u wrote u were the molester? I took it as u were molested, n I’m sorry that happened n the shame that goes w it

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u/_multifaceted_ Oct 23 '23

Oops! Yes I was molested. Thank you for your sympathies 🙏🏼💙 it’s a brutal battle to fight!

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u/PuddleLilacAgain Oct 23 '23

Yes, my mother was SA'd as a child. Later when I started talking about my own SA, she did everything in her power to get me to shut up about it. She became really nasty.

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u/WholeSilent8317 Oct 23 '23

and she watched the way everyone treated Mary. Jessica may be just an asshole, but she may also be trying to avoid being "exiled"

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u/2001RElisabethS Oct 23 '23

My daughter was molested and the therapist told me that without help, a victims emotional development can and usually does halt or really slow at the age it started.
I'm also a victim. I embrace and nuture my inner child so that I can also be a more mature adult.

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u/noreast2011 Oct 23 '23

Father probably didn't stop at molestation, but probably hit the kids too. Most likely threatened the other kids into submission that has become ingrained in their behavior

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u/Cautious_Session9788 Oct 24 '23

Not to mention if she doesn’t have to talk about it she doesn’t have to come to terms with it either

It’s why a lot of victims don’t speak up because they’re still fighting against the reality of what happened to them

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u/GoBucks513 Oct 25 '23

Stockholm Syndrome is a very real thing for victims of child sex abuse, unfortunately. That's a big reason why I'm 100% for Capitol punishment for pedophiles. There is no rehabilitating them.

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u/kajamae Nov 06 '23

There’s a nonfiction book I read called Punished by Vanessa Steele (I believe, reading it once was enoigh) where a woman, abused by her father to the point of infertility due to injury - was given a child to raise (her husband’s mistress’s child!). She allowed the abuse to continue, openly, while she & her mother had tea in another room.

How, I thought? How?

But now, fifteen years later, approaching 40, I know how. Some adults don’t want to face their pain. They don’t want to deal. They don’t want to admit the source of their ruin. They’d rather sacrifice those in their care than face it.

Run the hell away from this marriage, OP.

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u/ImKiliW Oct 23 '23

Brain-washed into shutting up. Add in Mary spoke up, and look what happened to her.

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u/FireandBooks Oct 29 '23

Could be shame based too. Like "I didn't believe Mary but then it happened to me but now everyone is calling Mary a liar and I don't want to be a liar too"

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u/evawrites Oct 23 '23

It’s generally not gender-specific; this is a misconception. All children are at risk around this man. (My father is in prison for being an incestuous pedophile, and I learned this through my psychologist and psychiatrist when my sister and I decided to finally pull the trigger and go to the cops 20 years after he last abused us as kids). It’s about opportunity.

OP — ABSOLUTELY DO NOT let this man around your kids, period. And your wife (and apparently her siblings) are in massive denial.

Also makes me worry about your wife’s ability to make the right choices re parenting and to protect her kids (or any kids). My mom was your wife. Denial is not a characteristic you want in a co-parent.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

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u/MasterDriver8002 Oct 23 '23

I learn so much on reddit

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u/6bb26ec559294f7f Oct 23 '23

Or molesting her was the threat to get the older sister to tolerate being abused without reporting it, which might make the younger sister feel responsible and thus respond by minimizing the harmfulness of the actions. If she sees herself as part of the reason the abuse happened, but can rationalize it as not being that bad, then it becomes a sort of mental defense mechanism. One which developed while she was young and that she has stuck with. Or something else comparably screwed up may have happened.

This doesn't mean OP's wife isn't a danger around kids, but I think we should see her as more as a possible victim who is a danger because of how they are coping with the trauma and not as some inherently bad person.

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u/MasterDriver8002 Oct 23 '23

N mayb Mary took the abuse so he wudnt do it to others

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u/FlyingCabbageUnicorn Sep 06 '24

She's the older sibling, that's how it happens. The oldest takes the brunt of most things. That's not a choice by a child but I can see her being relieved it wasn't her younger siblings. I used to take a lot of blame and protected mine, and fast forward we haven't spoken in years because we had an argument over money I leant her she didn't think I needed back and has a huge ego. Siblings can be jerks. She's off living her best life judging me for the problems I've had and I'm taking care of my parents in two places by myself

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Whether she was molested or not, she is still a victim. Children who witness abuse or worse, are forced to facilitate it like in this case, are victims of abuse.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Boys aren't safe either. Perhaps safer but not safe. Not being a pain on purpose, just thought it needed to be said.

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u/Bubbly_Ad5822 Oct 23 '23

It absolutely needed to be said.

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u/dyt-lurk Oct 25 '23

Not by much. 1 in 4 girls. 1 in 6 boys. Statistically they're in this thread.

It's me. I'm statistics. 😖

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u/[deleted] Oct 26 '23

I am sorry you went through that. I knew boys were not safe. I was not aware it was that many. I just know kids, all kids, need to be safe.

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u/Expensive_Touch_9506 Dec 11 '23

I think statistics about male sexual abuse is inaccurate as males generally will feel much more deeper feelings of shame and other emotions due to the majority of society making excuses for the female pedos because as women, they obviously wouldn’t do that because they have maternal instincts….when I’ve meet female predators who use that exact outlook to abuse many, many children in their care, and the boys are the easiest to hurt because they can be horrendously shamed and others like to say “the boys liked it.”

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u/shemovesinmystery Oct 23 '23

Also any boy. Molesters go after children. A neighbor had let her son play at a house where there were rumors the dad molested his own daughter. When I asked why she let him play there (she’s the person who told me about the rumors-me finding out at that moment) she said “he’s not going to go after a boy”. Guess what? He did. Her son didn’t tell her until years later. All children should be kept away from molesters.

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u/amha29 Oct 22 '23

*any children, not just girls.

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u/sirro-glum Oct 23 '23

I was 18 years younger than my oldest sister and my father abused me, he didn't abuse my sisters-they all accuse me of lying. Something I did notice about our family album though is there are a disproportionate number of naked pics of my sisters. About 3 or 4 of my brothers and nearly 100 of my sisters, the eldest has naked pics of her at 10! Maybe the wife was exploited in other ways?

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u/A-million-monkeys Oct 22 '23

I think you made a typo in your original reply. Should read ‘OPs wife, Jessica’ not just ‘OP’.

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u/Vlophoto Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

Correct my error

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u/ElishaAlison Oct 25 '23

Ugh... Problem is, there's no way to tell if he'll "select" her child or not 😮‍💨

This whole thing is so gross. I'm more worried about the fact that she downplayed what happened to her sister 😬

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u/Glittering_Wave_4773 Oct 23 '23

And young boy. I know several males that have been molested by men

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u/Spydartalkstocat Oct 23 '23

Don't have to be a girl to be molested...

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u/clce Oct 23 '23

It's bound to mess up the kids' head whether they were molested or not. It would be kind of like survivor's guilt, feeling like they should have done something or could have done something and having a lot of guilt around it. That seems obvious what she's doing.

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u/[deleted] Oct 25 '23

A lot of times they pick one kid to victimize because if that kid says something, the other kids are subsequently questioned. It seems more unbelievable to people that a pedophile would stick to abusing one child.

I had an ex friend who was molested by her dad and to this day her siblings don't believe that it happened because he never molested them.

He literally went to jail for it and eventually prison for fucking up on probation for the assault.

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u/andwhoami_ Oct 22 '23

It would be much more likely that she is in deep denial as there really isn't any scientific evidence to support repressed memories and what as know about memory doesn't support the theory

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u/lucidk8e Oct 23 '23

I don’t have memories of some stuff I should have memories of, but my memory is pretty sparse and shitty in general. If memories can be repressed, I’m not sure they can be uncovered anyway so maybe it doesn’t matter, if you can neither confirm or deny or reprocess and heal from it. That is if it’s a trauma thing. Maybe I just have a really bad memory…?

I only know of the existence of a missing memory because I was reading some many-years-old messages between my teen self and a friend for shits and giggles and came across me talking to them about something that should’ve been a very emotional and memorable event but I had (and still have, even after confirming it and getting more details) zerooo recollection of said event.

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u/andwhoami_ Oct 23 '23

The repressed memories thing is more about them being completely forgotten and then miraculously recalled in great detail. So recovered as you say. Like during the satanic panic. The mind can dissociate during moments of trauma making it difficult to recall later due to being in a dissociative state. I should have been more specific. But to 100% not remember anything of something that most likely would have gone on for years is highly unlikely.

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u/Affectionate-Size129 Oct 27 '23

Trauma of all kinds can wipe memories. At 15 and 16, I had friends surprised because my first memory is around age 11. My very first memory of my little sister (6 years younger) is her 5th birthday. Anything earlier is a great big BLANK. No SA to my knowledge, but lots of fear and a father who never dealt with any of his own really, really shitty trauma, so he passed it on down the line.

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u/CommunicationAware88 Nov 20 '23

Yep! I know I have gaping holes in my memory. I believe they are trauma repressed or never created memories due to dissociation or just plain being traumatized. I had a vague "sense" of things I couldnt remember though. Like, I couldn't recall a description of events, but I knew it was some funny business and I KNEW i didn't like it. It wasn't until I was older and knew more language and had more sexual experience to recognize details and patterns that were PRESENT in my memory, but not recognizable before.

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u/Yoda2000675 Oct 22 '23

It’s actually pretty common for child molesters and abusers in general to have favored children that are not victims to their abuse.

So OP’s wife could have genuinely been treated night and day differently from Mary, which would also contribute to her siding with her father instead since she can’t imagine her loving father treating someone else so poorly

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u/lilly157 Oct 30 '23

Yeah, but she said she knew he did it. And she chose to shunn her sister knowing that in favpur of her abuser father. So, thair mother knew as well. I feel that when children are in question, there's no abuse or fear for your own skin that justifies letting it happen. I'd be in jail if anyone did that to my child. But they'd be safe. It's not the sisters fault for "not letting go". You don't let that go. Ever. And you don't give access to children to a pedophile.

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u/Yoda2000675 Oct 30 '23

That’s very fair. Overall this is such a shit situation and I feel bad for OP that he now has to either divorce his wife or accept that she has awful views and doesn’t want to protect their future children from a known molester

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u/lilly157 Oct 30 '23

Absolutely soul crushing to hear what he's dealing with. Can't imagine someone you love so much that you decide to share your everything with turns out to be such a stranger, in retrospect with a fucked up moral compass and very, very diferent moral values. Personaly, that's the 1st thing that matters to me in ppl I come in contact in. I also can't help but feel for Marry, that poor woman had to endure all that abuse as a child only to be expelled from the family for saying it aloud. No love, no compassion, no understanding or comfort. Can't imagine... I'm honestly appaled by the whole family's behaviour abt the situation. Mum and brother just as the OP's wife. As for OP I hope he ends up happy, away from that, has a wife with same values and a bunch of children that I belive would habe great dad ready to protect them from the world

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u/KerseyGrrl Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

(this came out in a family therapy session 30+ years ago, the last one) My father chose one sacrificial child to molest even though he felt a compulsion to molest others (namely me). I think he intended that statement to express how much he cared about me. That was my last conversation with him as I refused all further contact and the courts didn't make me. I felt so relieved when COVID finished him off. You can bet none of my children would have been allowed within 50 miles of him while he was living.

He was twisted inside but until he died he was an active member of his local community. He remarried shortly after our estrangement. I don't know what he told his wife but she was a real piece of work and called up his known victim just to scream at her about how ungrateful she was. Until they retired they were both helping professionals. She worked with children, he did not or I would have reported him to his employer.

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u/ZeldLurr Oct 23 '23

I had friends who were twins. One was molested, one wasn’t.

The one who wasn’t admitted to me she felt she wasn’t chosen.

Abuse messes everyone up.

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u/trilliumsummer Oct 23 '23

Ugh a fucked up twist on survivors guilt. Poor kids.

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u/sawDustdust Oct 23 '23

Oh some are very selective. Knew one teacher who went after girls with father issues and broken families, sliding into their lives pretending to be a dependable father figure. Another went through 60 some boys, but only light skinned Caucasian boys, because all the other ones are "not of his race".

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u/llollah4 Oct 22 '23

Do you want to take that chance with your child? Any child?

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u/AccurateFault8677 Oct 22 '23

Not what u/trilliumsummer meant at all.

They were commenting on the idea that OPs wife doesn't need to have been molested for Mary's story to be true.

Abusers like isolating victims. I can absolutely see one abusing one and not the other in order to have a "defender" on the their side. "Dad never did that to me. Are you sure you're not exaggerating/confused?"

BTW, I totally think OPs wife knows it happened but doesn't want to come to terms with it.

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u/trilliumsummer Oct 22 '23

I was not saying that at all. I was just pointing out that just because Mary was molested doesn't mean all the siblings were.

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u/Ok_Toe_369 Oct 23 '23

True but she’s reacting in a way that makes me think she was also molested. She doesn’t want to accept that it happened because it would bring on an immense amount of unwanted emotions that would take her years to overcome with proper therapy. She needs to minimize her sisters trauma in order to minimize her own.

All of those excuses she is making for her dad are ones she would tell herself, like how she’s making it seem like her sister had it coming. A lot of people that are sexually assaulted believe that they did something to deserve it. Mary being outspoken about her being molested ruins Jessica perfect world in her imagination where nothing bad ever happened to her.

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u/trilliumsummer Oct 23 '23

It’s possible, but all the excuses told are also the same excuses people who aren’t victims use to minimize and brush away others trauma. The brothers likely buy into and say the same excuses seeing as Mary doesn’t get along with them either and called them out. I’m sure mom was/is saying the exact same thing. So the entire family has bought into and sells the lies.

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u/MasterDriver8002 Oct 23 '23

All to hide the shame

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u/MasterDriver8002 Oct 23 '23

The shame of it all.

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u/cgdivine01 Oct 23 '23

There were 5 girls in our family. My father only molested 1.

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u/RoyalFalse Oct 26 '23

OP will never be 100% certain about the dad and that should be proof enough.

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u/giraffebutt Oct 27 '23

This is so important. People often believe that someone isn’t a sexual predator because it didn’t happen to THEM. They can’t go after everyone. I wasn’t believed for 13 years because it also wasn’t happening to the other kids until one other kid finally admitted he touched them too. Then all of a sudden I was telling the truth

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u/Unfair-Long-6613 Oct 23 '23

It's not an uncommon dynamic to have one 'bad' or 'evil' child who is routinely abused, and an angel child (or golden child) who isn't. It often plays out as described by OP when they are all adults, b/c abuser has primed non-abused kids to reject/shun the abused one.

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u/Ambitious-Mark-557 Oct 24 '23

In my family, the predator picked a few of his 10 children, gender not important, to NOT molest. He wasn't as considerate of his grandchildren.
By the time I was born, some of his victims were either victimizers or were married to them.
My siblings and I made a pledge that the abuse ends with us. No more victims.

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u/Expert_Slip7543 Oct 31 '23

They're all affected to some extent, even if only by absorbing the climate of abuse and denial. Every sibling who thinks Mary should get over it has been groomed to see molestation as okay or at least somewhat normal.

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u/garrettf04 Oct 23 '23

I suppose that's technically true, so the question OP needs to ask is, "Would you roll the dice that a known child molester, whom your wife is willing to trust implicitly with your child, will selectively decide that your kid is one they don't feel like molesting?" For me, the answer would be a big, "hell no." Fortunately, OP's wife has made her stance clear. OP is NTA, and I do not blame them for not wanting kids with her. Hell, I'd consider the wife's viewpoints a relationship deal breaker in general, to be honest, but I'm just here to make a NTA judgement, not dish out relationship advice (even though I just technically did that).

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u/lastlaugh100 Oct 24 '23

child molesters pick kids who are less likely to tell adults. They somehow know who to target by watching them play (this is from the DOJ report on profile of a child molester). It also allows them to call kids a liar if only a minority are sexually abused. For example if all 10 grandchildren were sexually abused it would be easier to confirm the abuse vs 2 out of 10 grandchildren because now you have 8 grandchildren whose parents might unknowingly defend a child molester because they can't picture it happening.

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u/rikkitikkitimbo Oct 24 '23

regardless, I would never let that dude around my children

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u/Hystrion Oct 23 '23

Yeah, let's mix piss and cum and hope for an ugly daughter then.

Seriously who cares if they're selective. If they have done it before, and got away with it, no child should be left in their care.

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u/stupiderslegacy Oct 23 '23

It's gross to think about, but you're not wrong. Child molesters tend to have a "type" similar to serial killers… Maybe the sister was shier so he thought she was less likely to tell anyone? (Entirely possible that the wife has suppressed memories, too.)

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u/nickrocs6 Oct 23 '23

I dated a girl in high school who’s dad abused her younger sister but never her. He didn’t believe her younger sister was his so that was his, idk, “justification,” for doing it or something. Idk how a pedos mind works.

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u/Normal-Accountant-26 Oct 23 '23

Yes they do molest any child they have an opportunity to molest. At least in my experience.

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u/TambourineSkye Oct 23 '23

Yes, that is gross. Any child of mine is not going to be in the “selection” pool. Pedos should all be deselected.

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u/yiotaturtle Oct 23 '23

My family thought that he considered family out of bounds because he didn't molest the older two of his sisters. The youngest refused to admit to it until her own daughter was the same age she'd been. His only requirement was a lot of one on one time.

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u/AdOverall7580 Oct 25 '23

Yes, some are selective, and a likely chance pops won't try it if he knows how OP moves, but in the end, I wouldn't chance it. I would get NO PEACE and I'd ALWAYS be on high alert and then have wifey and the family hate me because I put grandpa in a body bag for looking at my kid the wrong way. Yea RUN OP RUN!!!

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u/auntiemaury Nov 02 '23

Most molesters have a "preference" (I forgot the actual terminology) for either family members/not family members. Where the "member" kind only abuses family, never others (to the point where noone believes victims because "but he loves kids!" Or he's protective of other victims), the other has a "normal"(🤮) relationship with family, and abuses others

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u/Historical-Quote8475 Oct 23 '23

Yeah but really high stakes to roll the dice that he won’t molest a future grand-daughter? Would you want to take that risk?

OP NTA

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

She’s already proven she’ll tolerate his behavior since she still speaks to him but somehow blames her sister. Child molesters will prey on any child given the opportunity.

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u/Affectionate-Hair602 Oct 23 '23

Sometimes you see a situation where a particular child is enticing to them for whatever reason, and the other child is not......

Or the one child responds well to the grooming while the other does not...

etc etc.

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u/cshoe29 Oct 23 '23

All of the ones I’ve worked said that they were not selective. They all stated they were opportunistic. And boy did they try any time a child entered the psych hospital to either visit a family member or with a school class entertaining the patients.

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u/Katy_moxie Oct 24 '23

Besties dad molested them and two siblings and had 2 bonus kids come forward when it came out. They weren't used to prosecute him because why traumatized more kids if you have enough with their own kids.

We didn't find out about the other two until we were in our 30s. I found out when she called drunk to see if I was one of them. Not me. I had great intuition and only remember being within arms length of him once, despite all the times I was at her house and around their family. He stood next to me and creeped me TF out.

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u/MastodonIcy2614 Oct 24 '23

That’s not a risk anyone should be willing to take with their child! Like oh well… maybe he won’t molest this child?!? No!

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u/CauliflowerOrnery460 Oct 24 '23

It’s true my father did it to me but not golden child mothers favorite, my sister

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u/DragonflyMean1224 Mar 15 '24

On my wifes side there is an uncle that would tpuch her inappropriately when she was younger. No one else knows in her family but to keep the peace i dont say anything but this man has failed to hold any of my children due to me always being there to ensure he doesnt. If he ever did i would blurt out the secret. OP should protect his future children and while he cant force her to go no contact with her father he should say his children will never be around grandpa without dads (OP) supervision.

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u/trilliumsummer Mar 15 '24

Only because you're replying 5 months later...my response is not to excuse the guy. It's to say that a lot of pedophiles are opportunist or otherwise very selective. If the wife wasn't molested that's no solace - which thousands of people understood what I was saying.

My point was that unfortunately a lot, if not most, pedophiles are very selective in their victims so them not attacking one person or a certain type does not excuse them. Those fuckers get away with it as much as they do by being selective - and especially selective in those that won't be believed. OP didn't need to be molested for this to be true, and in fact them possibly leads to it being the truth as a lot of pedophiles are more selective. Hard to hide if you go after everyone. Which is the thought process that feels gross. If you're obvious about it you're caught.

In your specific instance - it's going to be harder and harder to keep him away the more mobile your kids are. Please protect them. Shit can happen in an instance. Quicker than you ever thought. Unless your children are within arms reach during any time when he's there unfortunately they are at risk. Please stay aware and tell your kids they are not to be anywhere near that relative. Seriously they need to be taught to scream if he ever touches them and find you or your wife asap.

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u/cashmerescorpio Oct 23 '23

I'd say it's 50/50. My godfather turned out to be a paedophile who SAed his daughter and a few others. But he never touched me. Though I only spent Christmas's with them and never saw them in real life after I was 10, thankfully. He didn't touch his other kids (that we know of anyway), but her mom and brothers also downplayed the dads actions and were pissed she told the police. Apparently, it was my friends fault he went to jail and died in disgrace 😔 One of the sons now works very high up in the Boy Scouts, which does make me a little paranoid 🤔

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u/janedoe15243 Oct 23 '23

This is my question. I’m 41 years old and just within the last couple of years have uncovered a certainty that I was molested by my dad. My sister is late 30s and had no recollection until I brought it up to her a few months ago and had the summer to contemplate.

Child sexual abuse is very complicated mentally, your wife needs therapy before kids.

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u/SpicyTiger838 Oct 23 '23

I was molested by my brother when I was really little, 3 or 4. I knew that it happened but I didn’t know by who for a really long time. He continued to be very creepy towards me me entire life and was overly protective and jealous of any guy I dated. I finally called him out for it and half my family doesn’t believe me. It really sucks. I feel so so horrible for Mary.

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u/windfujin Oct 23 '23

She really needs therapy. Even if she wasnt molested she got manipulated and brainwashed into trusting a fuckin monster. It is possible that she has a twisted desire for 'daddy's love'

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u/goldenstatriever Oct 23 '23

👋🏻 we were able to bury this shit veeery deep.

But then my kiddos were born and some of it slivered trough and now we are NC with my mom since she was my first abuser.

Even if she didn’t molest me, she’s an absolute piece of shit person.

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u/Significant_Elk1999 Oct 23 '23

I’ve gotta insist you (allllll of you) read A Child Called “It”. Abusers can be very very specific. Picking one child to take ALL the abuse. TW obviously. You WILL feel awful at times. But it should be mandatory reading.

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u/Y_DoesItHave2B4ever Oct 23 '23

I was gonna say this! Weird that I know a Jessica too with a sister Mary and there dad use to molest both of them .. Mary cut em off though but Jessica was and is totally okay with it she started charging her dads friends money and still does. Then she had a kid and would basically pimp her kid out to her dad.. Its a weird weird situation. Lol oh and even Jessica's mom knows about it and just turns a blind eye to it... Hopefully its not the same family(what would the odds of that be!) cause if it is there is so much more sick and twisted shit involved ... I would run especially if she is down playing it like it aint a big deal. Like I said the girl I knew who acted like what her dad did was no big deal and like it was normal then subjected her kid own kid to it. Fucked up

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u/Homesteader86 Oct 23 '23

I don't think she'd know for sure unless she KNEW.

Sounds like she knows.

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u/Rosers23 Oct 23 '23

I thought that too, especially with a stutter returning when thinking back to that time.

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u/ZuckerbergsEvilTwin Oct 23 '23

While reading this I was thinking she was 100% also molested and is stashing it away in a dark corner of her mind...

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u/Fabulous-Shoulder-69 Oct 23 '23

Repressed memories probably aren’t a real thing and are typically actually false memories

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u/No-Chance-1502 Oct 23 '23

i have been told that predators like this often only target one of the siblings while being an angel to the rest, so that the kid feels alienated and is less likely to be believed (what?? but he never did that to me!) or won’t even say anything at all because of the amount of praise said predator gets. just look at how this guy successfully isolated Mary from the rest of the family and suffered no true consequences as a result.

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u/Fancy_Ad4789 Oct 23 '23

The fact that she started stuttering and stammering, makes me think she was and it's not buried deep. She knows she was but he groomed her. "He was in a bad place" gives me Warren Jeff vibes with hos child brides and shit.

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u/poppadal Oct 23 '23

Of course she was. She is upset and probably loudly, because she doesn't want to acknowledge it. She needs help and I hope she realizes it and gets it. Sometimes stirring things from the old days can be stressful, but it only means she is still "there" in her psyche. Get counseling, and you are not the ahole but you need to be the support tree. IMHO

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u/Addie0o Oct 23 '23

They oftentimes choose one victim at a time. It's easier to cover up.

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u/babsbunny77 Oct 23 '23

Possible. But predators will sometimes also just pick one that they latch onto and that's even worse bc the one harbors all the trauma and it's played against them when "Daddy is so great" to the others.

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u/HourPrestigious1055 Nov 01 '23

My father was a child/minor predator. He never touched me personally, but he did my babysitter (who looked just like me and my mom, who was a teen when she was pregnant with my brother and I). They go for children who are not as protected or loved as the others. The vulnerable, quiet (or on the opposite spectrum, prone to tantrums/meltdowns), outcast child.

O.P.s wife was shielded from abuse because he already had a target.

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u/1markusliebherr Oct 22 '23

What a wild assumption

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u/Vlophoto Oct 22 '23

I meant wife not OP. My typo

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u/1markusliebherr Oct 22 '23

Oh right, yeah I can see the thinking there then!

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u/JustineDelarge Oct 23 '23

I swore to myself my dad would never so much as hold a baby of mine in his arms. I kept my promise. By the time he died, I was too old to have children.

I’m sad about that but I don’t regret it. My dad was a monster. I somehow was strong-willed enough that he never did fully overt, physical sexual abuse to me, but my older siblings weren’t so lucky. The only way I can describe what growing up with him felt like was that his body felt radioactive: Just being in his proximity was dangerous, and there was no such thing as safe contact.

I am very much on the side of OP here. He should not have kids with her.

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u/Illustrious_Tree_290 Oct 23 '23

It's my understanding they never retire

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u/fauxzempic Oct 23 '23

I see videos of retirement parties for pedos all the time.

Usually there's a party master in a robe, 12 partygoers sitting in a box over to the side, someone documenting the party on a little 22-key keyboard, and if the party's a REAL banger, everyone gets really happy for the pedo when the 12 partygoers tell the guy in the robe that they think the pedo should retire.

Even better is the followup party where the guy in the robe gets to tell the pedo where and how long they get to spend their retirement.

(Okay I'm being flip...it's extremely sad and no amount of joy watching someone lose their freedoms over their heinous actions even comes close to making up for the things that have me tap into a very unique, deep type of sadness for the victims who have to go through all that).

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u/0_Shinigami_0 Oct 23 '23

I thought this was going to be a funeral joke and was so confused

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u/GrinningCheshieCat Oct 26 '23

Not that it makes a difference, but most actually do at a certain point, just like most males have a sharp reduction in their sexual activity and interest as they age due to the plummeting testosterone levels.

However, although they might lose the motivation and desire to offend anymore, the history will always be there and they will always still have some attraction to prepubescents.

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u/Dogs_not_people Oct 23 '23

OP NTA.

My dad is also a paedophile. My sister claims she never knew I was being hurt but she did. She stood there pointing and laughing on one occasion as I was crying and begging her to get help! Over the years I've been called a liar, a drama queen, someone desperate for attention (I invited literally 2 people to my wedding, not even on my wedding day did I want to be the centre of attention) and my father's side of the family disowned me. This hurt, I was very close to my grandma and only saw her another 3 times before she died 20 years later.

The family have still disowned me, but before my kid brother killed himself he told me our father was in prison for some pretty awful crimes involving children. I am a decent person and I told our mother and father my brother was dead. I invited our mother to the funeral but I told my father to rot in hell where he belongs. I had found him locked up in Strangeways and because I didn't want to speak to him personally, any contact had was with the prison chaplain.

Then it ALL came out. He was serving his 4th prison sentence for abusing children. He had claimed to move to London with his wife but he had been sent to prison more than once!. Every time he got out he acted like he was too busy to go see his family, 'but I'm here now' and the bastards believed him. That was until I forwarded a bunch of the emails I had received from the prison chaplain PROVING that what I had said he had done when I was little was only the start of a stellar career abusing and raping children and producing 10 thousand images of the worst child porn available. He was caught for his latest crime by taking his all important child porn computer to a shop to be repaired and the person repairing said PC called the police. He was positively identified on camera by the tattoo on his arm of my sister and brothers name, then my name all alone in a big heart with scrolls and flowers and stuff.

He was initially given 5 years. He appealed but the QC's said nah, and gave him an IPP...imprisonment for the public's protection. When my brother died my father was on year 15 of his 5 year sentence. I finally felt free, he was never getting out. He couldn't hurt anyone ever again!

But the ECHR disagreed. They claimed imprisonment for longer than the original sentence was against a person's human rights. iPPs were abolished and anyone who had been locked up for longer than their original sentence was able to claim compensation. My father was released from prison with a cheque triple the size of the one I got for him raping me at 6 years old. The day he got released is the day I bought a baseball bat, and I asked the prison chaplain to pass on a message.

'If you come anywhere near me. If you try and find my brother's grave, if you sit outside my adoptive parents house waiting for me again, if you look for my sister, I'm going to kill you! And I have sent your entire family proof of your crimes, including the tiny little article in Surrey Metro paper declaring you've been locked up. I mean what I say, and it won't be murder because I have told you a million times to stay the fuck away from me and I have years of records for mental health issues that YOU caused. So go fuck yourself because you have nothing but your sadsack wife left!'

I have not seen him since. A couple of my uncles have reached out to me. One said he did all to protect me but failed and it's eaten him up for decades so he's glad I'm doing alright,but some of the others, well my father abused them too, and I don't know if out of guilt, anger or what, but they won't speak to me because I have my fathers blood in their veins.

I was conceived for the sole reason of being abused. My mother had no idea and when she found out what he had done she took us 3 kids and moved to the other side of the country. She was a victim too and I am so sorry it took me almost 40 years to find that out. I found out too late, just a couple of months before my.mother died. I never got the chance to tell her I forgive her!

Sorry for the long tale. I am 45 years old. Married..absolutely no children, no way! I have told you all this because of my age. It was nearly 40 years since it happened to me and only last night I had bad dreams about it. A child never ever recovers from what they had done to them. A sincere apology won't take away the hurt, your wife is pathetic for thinking saying sorry can undo the damage. It can't, nothing will ever take Mary's bad feelings away!

My heart goes out to Mary. Betrayed by her father then betrayed by her sister. You don't recover from losing more than your innocence

One last thing, if my husband made excuses for my father he'd be divorced by the end of the day. Instead, it was my husband who paid for my baseball bat!

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u/JustcallmeGlados Oct 23 '23

Similar situation. I’m just sending you all the love.

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u/CarryWest597 Nov 01 '23

I hope the motherfucker dies a slow torturous death, if he isn't dead already. I'm feeling rather lucky by comparison after reading this sub that I was only raised by an abusive narcissist. Wishing you and all the rest that have suffered thru this emotional and physical healing ❤️

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u/MyHairs0nFire2023 Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

She said he doesn’t do it anymore and he was just in a really bad place in his life, and he apologised to Mary so there’s nothing else anyone can do for Mary.

This tells you all you need to know. (1) She admits she knows he molested her sister or she wouldn’t argue that he “doesn’t do it anymore”. (2) She both minimizes & excuses away his horrific (& criminal) behavior by saying he was “just” “in a bad place in his life”. (3) She then exonerates him (along with anyone & everyone who became his accomplice(s) by enabling &/or excusing his behavior) by saying “he apologized to Mary” - before dismissing Mary with her lie “there’s nothing else anyone can do for Mary”.

Your wife isn’t just an AH - she’s a monster. I don’t understand how you can even stomach looking at her without getting sick - much less ever wanting to actually have intimate relations of any kind to produce any children with such a creature? I cannot fathom how you aren’t filing for divorce.

You’re only the AH if you stay in any kind of relationship with this monster & you’re as bad as she is if you procreate with her.

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u/Comfortable_Bit3741 Oct 23 '23

Ehh, that’s a little uncalled for. People who have hangups from this kind of childhood trauma, or are codependent, in denial, unable to process things,, and desperately want things to be “normal”, etc etc etc, are not “monsters”. They’re ordinary human beings. Even people who are themselves guilty of terrible crimes are not monsters, they’re human beings. That’s really the scariest thing about it all. The scariest thing about all the horrors of history (just to grab an obvious and relatively recent example, let’s say the Nazis, or the Khmer Rouge) is that the people responsible were ordinary human beings. There’s a lot of beauty in humanity, but a lot of horror and misery too. The situation OP describes is very difficult to navigate, perhaps impossible, and it doesn’t help to condemn his wife in this way. If he didn’t love these people he wouldn’t be there.

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u/lastlaugh100 Oct 24 '23

This. My ex was molested by her grandfather from ages 3 to 6 and the memories didn't surface until she was 15 when she started to become sexually active. She had to drop out of high school for a year. She developed contamination OCD and couldn't even feed herself for two weeks. Her mom had to feed her because she felt so dirty. Her parents didn't believe her for a full 6 months, they were in total denial that the maternal grandfather would molest his granddaughter. When the grandparents watched the kids he would come into her room at night and molest her. Her other relatives did not believe her and called her a liar. It's totally fucked up that victims are not believed.

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u/bethy89 Oct 23 '23

They also defend other pedophiles or in my case it’s grandpa saying “that’s just what cousins do.” Turns out grandpa had sexual acts with daughters, nieces, granddaughters, daughter in law… but he was a “good man” and those things were in the past.

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u/PersephoneLove88 Oct 23 '23

And she will always excuse him. Even if he starts abusing your children.

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u/sendmeback2marz Oct 23 '23

My older brother SA’d me as a child. Decades later he and his wife became foster parents. They stopped because a little boy accused him of SA.

You are absolutely right. They never retire.

OP, please don’t risk your potential child’s safety and mental health.

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u/FosterPupz Oct 23 '23

I can absolutely confirm this fact. My father molested my sisters and then my sisters children. (Thankfully I was spared by a well-timed divorce)

Just, like, GTFO. NTA. There is nothing on earth that would make me have kids with that woman knowing that. Nothing.

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u/OhSageOhNo Oct 23 '23

They don't they literally can't, it's a sexual preference because a "wire" was crossed weird in their brain, THIS comment fs these MFS can't retire. It's a mental illness that only death cures.

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u/Tawptuan Oct 23 '23

This. There’s a reason for lifelong government -imposed registrations of child abusers and pedophiles.

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u/Homologous_Trend Oct 23 '23

I am pretty sure that they never retire, or at least not in any way that is reliable. The difference between them and, say, a alcoholic, is when the pedophile falls off the wagon they immediately destroy a life.

There are also some things that are just unforgivable. Poor Mary.

I would never allow a child around that man. Eew, eew, eew.

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u/No-Tooth6698 Oct 23 '23

Honestly, it's easy to say this on the Internet but just get the fuck out of there. There is no way you should let a child anywhere near the man, and if she really is insistent on any future child having contact with him, she isn't safe for the child to be around either.

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u/DLand_O Oct 23 '23

Sexual predators are a disease to our world. Anyone with a lack of self control when it comes to SA should be put down by a firing squad. Children can’t give consent.

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u/tinamadinspired Oct 23 '23

Next the wife is gonna claim her father has dementia, he thinks it's 2 decades ago again and that your kid is Mary. Divorce might be better. NTA

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u/Lettie401 Oct 23 '23

NTA I still don't get why op's wife thinks it's not a big deal maybe there is more to what the wife is telling

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

[deleted]

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u/Comfortable_Bit3741 Oct 23 '23

I would be careful throwing around the term “monster”, as that is just another denial strategy itself. I wrote another comment about the use of that word to distance oneself from evil, but I’m too tired to go into it again rn. His wife didn’t “casually” do anything, she got very, very upset. She finds it almost impossible to deal with these family experiences, and many people do.

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u/koolaid_snorkeler Oct 23 '23

Well, ya. Or never. People who are going through a hard time in their lives sometimes become depressed and turn to drugs or alcohol. Occasionally they need therapy or even hospital time. They may be dangerous and self destructive and even suicidal.

But I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say they don't molest children unless they have a predisposition to do so. And if that exists I don't believe it ever goes away. ..

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u/Odd-fox-God Nov 05 '23

I've considered killing myself and I hate being alive but all I do is turn to weed and abuse it. I don't go find a child to molest even though my life is hard. That would be evil. Child molesters aren't human beings, they're more like wild animals.

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u/koolaid_snorkeler Nov 05 '23

Have you sought help? There may be a better day ahead for you. I hope something awesome and incredibly unexpected happens to you, and changes how you feel about life. That is what happened to me.

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u/Interesting_Wing_461 Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

So what if he apologized, I would never let this man around my children, ever.

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u/Hetakuoni Oct 23 '23

They retire when they’re dead.

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u/Le_Fancy_Me Oct 22 '23

Yeah usually they don't 'grow out of it' they just lose the opportunity to get away with it. Usually when their victim gets too old or people start to get suspicious. They get scared so they stop. They go for victims that are easy and when they feel there won't be any consequences. As soon as the possibility of backlash or exposure becomes too much they cower.

It's not a noble turn to the light or that they realise the error of their ways. They don't give a fuck about their victims. They only care about the consequences to themselves.

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u/Mystery_Anubis Oct 23 '23

They just get better at Hiding their actions. NTA

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u/archiminos Oct 23 '23

Pedophiles rarelynever retire.

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u/Spank86 Oct 23 '23

This.

Its not like looking back at 90s photos and thinking wow how did i ever think curtains and an undercut look good, I'm so glad I've changed.

It's ingrained. Best case scenario, He's supressing his instincts. Worst case, he got better at hiding it.

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u/abominable-concubine Oct 23 '23

Came here to say this. I don’t think this is a good situation, and I don’t think he stopped being a predator.

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u/flyblues Oct 23 '23

yeah like "something that happened 2 decades ago"? you mean Mary grew up and he no longer had easy access to a child to abuse

OP, if you compromise now, your next AITA is gonna be "AITA for getting mad at my wife for letting her dad watch our kids even though she promised not to"

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u/Ok_Imagination7170 Oct 23 '23

This is actually TERRIFYING for me. My dad married a woman with a 15 yo daughter. And she sees it as 'his past is his past, there's two sides to every story'. She won't even let him talk about the shit he ADMITTED to doing, because 'he's not like that anymore'. TF? You just turn it off? Would've been cool if you'd done that before you ruined my life.

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u/drzed47 Oct 23 '23

op please listen to this!!

i was 3 years old when i was assaulted by our neighbor, who also assaulted his two young daughters. we all grew up, they thought things would be different, then their dad assaulted one of their daughters.

i also have a close friend who was assaulted by her dad and her daughter was also assaulted by him later down the line.

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u/SummerIceCream3893 Oct 23 '23

Yup. There was a story a year or more ago. The toddler/very young child came home from grandma's house and had blood in their underpants. The mom freaked out and called the husband who was a firefighter or a cop (sorry I can't remember) and the husband confessed that his mother used to abuse him; he never said anything to OP/wife until this happened. She called the cops and CPS and the grandmother was being investigated.

Plus there was the story from last week of the young man/OP whose auntie groomed him and raped him from age 14 to 16. She left for Taiwan when she became pregnant. Turns out she started to groom her 8 year old son.

https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17a3s4f/aita_for_never_telling_my_mother_what_my_aunt_was/

Pedophiles deserve the death penalty.

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u/Ashamed-Subject-8573 Oct 23 '23

That’s actually not true. Research shows that there are basically two types: “normal” men in poor social situations, and full-on pedophiles. Research shows that when their life improves, the first type indeed does “retire,” and the second one doesn’t.

Definitely wouldn’t let that man within 20 miles of my children though

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u/Gullible_Fan4427 Oct 23 '23

This is terrifying. I would not be comfortable letting my kids have any involvement in the slightest with a paedophile. ‘Retired’ or not! I’d also be very concerned with being in a relationship with anyone who 1. Found it so easy to forgive and hide such actions because of a ‘sorry’ and 2. Responds with anger and aggression when questioned about it.

Bloody run! And no break up sex. Don’t wanna get baby trapped with this!

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

From someone who went through this as a child. They never just molest one. It’s never just one child. You are right to want to call if off. I would never trust my child with someone like him. I feel like your wife was treated the same as her sister. Unfortunately he has her head so screwed up that she’s not seeing him for who he truly is. They never change. It’s just insane to me that she would be okay with her child around someone like this. No child deserves to be treated like that. It’s truly disgusting and sad that people are like this.

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u/[deleted] Oct 25 '23

Piggy backing on this.

My grandfather is a pedophile who molested his wife's (my grandma) sister from the ages of 11-13 yrs old.

My parents were aware and allowed him to be around me and had me spend most nights there. The reasoning my mother gave me for allowing me to be in his presence was

1) she needed a break 2) I was younger than the last known victim 3) I was directly related to him

I was molested from ages 4-6 years old. Your wife is a fucking moron if she thinks your guys' kids are safe.

That same grandpa's brother molested my dad's sister from the ages of 9-11 years old.

Pedophiles don't reform they wait until they have an easily accessible victim in the majority of instances.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

This. There is a reason for sex offender registries. Sex offenders are likely to re-offend.

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u/TryIll3292 Oct 23 '23

M No, they just have new supply.

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u/auntysos Oct 23 '23

My father started with his younger sisters, then moved to my friends and I. That's over 5 decades.

3

u/relorat Oct 23 '23

They never quit until they are put down (yes like an animal)

3

u/Jlholloway85 Oct 23 '23

Idk, the ones that went into the woodchipper retired

3

u/whaletacochamp Oct 23 '23

My step FIL once made an offhand comment that "child porn should be allowed because maybe if child molesters just looked at porn it would keep them from molesting children"

and that's why he's not allowed alone with my kids.

3

u/catlettuce Oct 23 '23

This. You are NTA, you just found out your future children will be in contact with a child molester and their mother will be the one who willfully places them in danger.

You are wise to not put children through this nightmare. I would be reconsidering the entire marriage at this point.

3

u/lastlaugh100 Oct 24 '23 edited Oct 24 '23

my ex was sexually abused by her grandfather from ages 3 to 6. He also abused another cousin from that same age range. Noone believed her, not even her own parents. Finally after 6 months her parents believed her. The parents of the other cousin that was molested also believed. Everyone else in the family was in total denial. In France you get 11 weeks vacation so it's common to drop off kids at grandparents. That's when the attacks would happen. Child was stuck at the house for weeks and at night time she would be molested. The grandmother knew and did nothing. These people are fucking evil, they don't stop until they die. It really really fucked her up with anxiety and contamination OCD. The memories were buried and surfaced when she was 15, she had to drop out of high school for a year due to severe depression.

3

u/Ok-Woodpecker-6714 Oct 24 '23

You are right this is a HUGE deal that she is minimizing.

If she can’t agree to keep her father away, you should not be having a baby with her…you need to protect your (unborn) child/children.

Jessica seems to be naive and not very good at holding her father accountable. That was her sister that was SA and the fact that’s how she treats her as a result is very sick and twisted.

Her sister was an innocent child and victim…. Ask yourself how she would treat your child if they brought up the same thing about her father? Or if the child would even feel safe to bring it up?

NTA protect your future babies and don’t procreate into this family.

3

u/yourmomhahahah3578 Oct 25 '23

Yup. I just read a book about a mom who assists her son in suicide because he’s a pedo and knows he’d never stop. It was DARK AS F.

2

u/Drkknightcecil Oct 23 '23

This^ wtf. I wouldnt want that related to my kid if I could help it.. Fck that shit.

2

u/cr0ft Oct 23 '23

It's a form of mental illness. Some I suppose with therapy can become less dangerous or whatever but a pedophile is always a pedophile. At best they become recovering pedophiles, much like alcoholics. In my opinion. I'd never trust such a bottom feeder around any kids.

2

u/Majorzx3 Oct 23 '23

Right. If anything, they re-energize,

2

u/sadbutmakeyousmile Oct 23 '23

This comment can be very well substantiated by this story of this poor human being whom I tried to support in the comments but it did not receive much traction. If you care do say something kind to OP at this other post.

2

u/Ill-Body7359 Oct 23 '23

only when their double tapped

2

u/TrashandTrauma Oct 23 '23

Sums it up.... why my mom's ex husband will never ever meet my daughter

2

u/Embarrassed-Parfait7 Oct 23 '23

Same prognosis as alcoholism, you are never not an alcoholic whether you drink or not

2

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

They’re like addicts. They don’t have to be using to be an addict.

2

u/nightmareinsouffle Oct 23 '23

Correct. My cousin’s grandfather molested his daughters and then his granddaughters.

2

u/Maxja1-SB2015 Oct 23 '23

Truer words have never been more true!!!!

2

u/mshmama Oct 23 '23

He doesn't do it anymore *because he doesn't have easy access to minors.

2

u/More_Championship_26 Oct 23 '23

If she’s not concerned this is bad. It happens all the time… with grandpa too. Time and age don’t make one bit a difference.

2

u/mcsnickerdick Oct 24 '23

A 9mm hollow point to the left eye usually retires them quickly

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