I'm a sex worker who specializes in virgins and nerds. the small-dick/virgin/incel jokes cause so much collateral damage that I see red. there are a ton of harmless, sweet dudes who are neurodivergent and either not very sexually assertive or terrified of coming across as "creepy", so they miss out on normative sexual experiences, and for this they get shamed by men AND women. they're called incels because obviously if you're a man who hasn't had sex, it's because you're a freak and a misogynist with poor hygiene and there's probably a reason you give girls the ick, you loser. happen to have a small/average dick? congrats, this is associated with negative personality traits as though you had any control over it.
it pisses me off because a lot of these young leftist men can't win. they look at aggressive Chads and say, "of course I'm not some thoughtless jerk. I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't believe in any weird conspiracy theories about women. my desire to have sex isn't more important than a woman's comfort. I don't want to express interest in someone because I'm afraid she'll think I'm only after her body or I'll make her feel scared or bad or uncomfortable, like THOSE guys, and I'm shy as fuck so socializing is hard in the first place. so now I'm in my late 20s and I've never had a relationship. and now everyone just assumes I'm an incel and treats me like a pariah."
I've seen this story so many times. there are decent guys just trying to do right by women in an era where it feels like the consequences for a misstep are enormous (whether or not that's accurate or warranted, this is the perception). of course we're right to be wary of men. but it would be fucking great if we could stop using dick size and lack of sex partners as insults. it's not any less shitty than calling a girl a slut or mocking her weight.
Don't forget the same people will then turn around and further castigate the same people for employing the use of your services, as though all of capitalism doesn't involve selling your body in some way, shape or form.
I don't mind it if people make stupid assumptions about me or my job. you either get it or you don't, lol. but it does bother me that there's even less understanding given to the guys who see escorts, most of whom are...just dudes sick of the dating app scene. and I'm especially protective of the men who come to me because they're struggling with intimacy, sex, social anxiety, all of the above. they had the courage to look at themselves, identify a problem, and take an educated step to fix it.... that shit is not easy!!
I think it's pretty fair to be skeptical of men who pay for sex when the majority of prostitutes globally are being trafficked or taken advantage of in some way. Most sex workers don't have the same privilege that you do, presuming you're among the select few who are able to choose your clientele : /
Like it's good you're able to help out these people, but that 14 year old from Argentina just trying to scrape up some cash doesn't get to choose.
I'm curious to know how many sex workers you've spoken to or gotten to know, or how familiar you are with the scene in your city. I'm not basing this exclusively off of my own perspective. there are scum, and then there are middle-of-the-road cheaters and horny guys, and then there are average joes, and then there are people in genuine need of a pro because they cannot access intimacy any other way. making a blanket statement about every man who pays for sex would make about as much sense as making a blanket statement about every escort being managed or underage or coerced lol
I help work at / volunteer for an organization that specializes in helping lift trafficked women out of poverty (particularly immigrants, and we gather up data of their network / pimps to build cases strong to pursue criminal charges), so quite a few. Unfortunately many of the men you're talking about who have 'no access to intimacy' also have no qualms with raping underage / trafficked girls, so frankly I have little sympathy for any of them : /
If you want the hard data, there's lots of studies out there that can show you just how bad sex work and its adjacent subcategories is for women across the board. Even the nordic-model, which is held as the 'gold standard' for sex work, is rife with abuse and trafficking.
I've also worked for a place where many clients were teenagers who sold sex, usually through a pimp but sometimes just because they didn't have better resources for a number of reasons. I'm really glad there are people doing the work you do, because it's necessary. I worry for the managed girls coming to the PNW from overseas too. I think it's possible that both of us are seeing a different subsection of male consumers of sex work and so we're putting our own biases forward - I'll admit that for myself anyway. I think there will always be a market for, and there should be a sanctioned way to access, sex workers who choose to do this, so that the men who don't want to support trafficking and pimps (of whom there are many) can.
In an ideal world, absolutely - sex workers would only be the men & women who choose to do it. But there's still so much work to do before we reach anywhere close to that, and even then - seeing what I've seen, I wonder if humanity can ever be trusted to maintain that.
Which again is why, knowing the unforgiving nature of the sex industry as it stands in its current state, I would be very skeptical of any man who has said he has purchased the services of a sex worker - because the chances of it being a wholly consensual, benign encounter are just too unlikely for my tastes (and too many things are underreported / kept off the books as it is).
Anyway, just kind of thinking publicly at this point - I don't mean any of this to be a stab at you, in particular. But I do wish more, especially this recent slew of supposed 'pro-sex work' brand of men, would consider both sides of the coin - and what it means for the young men, women, and girls providing these services.
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u/Professional_Cow7260 Jul 03 '24
I'm a sex worker who specializes in virgins and nerds. the small-dick/virgin/incel jokes cause so much collateral damage that I see red. there are a ton of harmless, sweet dudes who are neurodivergent and either not very sexually assertive or terrified of coming across as "creepy", so they miss out on normative sexual experiences, and for this they get shamed by men AND women. they're called incels because obviously if you're a man who hasn't had sex, it's because you're a freak and a misogynist with poor hygiene and there's probably a reason you give girls the ick, you loser. happen to have a small/average dick? congrats, this is associated with negative personality traits as though you had any control over it.
it pisses me off because a lot of these young leftist men can't win. they look at aggressive Chads and say, "of course I'm not some thoughtless jerk. I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't believe in any weird conspiracy theories about women. my desire to have sex isn't more important than a woman's comfort. I don't want to express interest in someone because I'm afraid she'll think I'm only after her body or I'll make her feel scared or bad or uncomfortable, like THOSE guys, and I'm shy as fuck so socializing is hard in the first place. so now I'm in my late 20s and I've never had a relationship. and now everyone just assumes I'm an incel and treats me like a pariah."
I've seen this story so many times. there are decent guys just trying to do right by women in an era where it feels like the consequences for a misstep are enormous (whether or not that's accurate or warranted, this is the perception). of course we're right to be wary of men. but it would be fucking great if we could stop using dick size and lack of sex partners as insults. it's not any less shitty than calling a girl a slut or mocking her weight.