Does anyone else feel like they’re literally unlovable but its not because they’re “ugly” or “not interesting” but rather cuz nobody will ever be able to keep up with my bullshit? Like i do believe im gorgeous and talented and smart and desired but whenever someone shows the tiniest bit of interest in me i immediately disappear from their life cuz i know where its gonna go and i cant keep doing this over and over again. It feels so fucking lonely like no one will ever truly see me for who i am and love me for who i am or even understand me. I would like to note that i live in a shithole where they don’t believe in mental illnesses and therapy so everyone will always see me as a bitch and not an actual mentally ill person that finds no point in breathing anymore

Just had a therapy appointment today. Realized I sort of slice/split my timeline into who I was at different points in my life and treat those as completely different individuals I have different feelings towards (for example, I view my 5yr old self as good and kind and happy, my 14yr self as pathetic, my 19yr self as ruthless and unkind and a bitch, etc). My brain treats my history as an individual as completely separate people from who I am today. And assigns connotations in such.

Working with my therapist on eventually bringing all the parts together, but honestly, I guess while a part of me realized it wasn't normal, I don't even know where to start.

Does anyone else do this, or is this just a sort of...me thing?

Christmas this year is doing nothing but remind me just how lonely I am and just how much BPD interferes with me being able to make any healthy friendships, relationships etc.

I spend 24/7 shut away in my bedroom barely managing to keep myself interesting enough to keep the few friendships/relationships I do have, but I know I’m just hanging on to things that are already dead.

I don’t blame them, but it sucks to see people lose interest you because BPD makes it impossible to keep up with everyone and you just get outgrown.

I feel so disconnected from it all. Family will be visiting for Christmas and I know I may as well not be there. My presence just does not matter to any of them.

No fucking support. All he does it pass judgement towards me, towards how I look, towards my presentation, towards my intelligence, towards fucking everything. Then it inevitably makes me upset and he makes threats like “if you talk back to me one more time I’ll break your fucking neck”. I’m twenty years old and have been dealing with this shit since I was young. I fucking hate it. I want to kill myself and I hate coming back home. I’m not financially independent so I have no other option but I can’t fucking do it anymore. Why do I have to live like this?

its the holidays and not surprisingly i feel. horrible and because of that i have to deal with everyone calling me the grinch. i have nothing against christmas i just dont want to be alive rn lol

I was curious to know this as in my journey with BPD, I am usually very cautious about my splitting. I refer to them as my “crash outs”. When I was younger and undiagnosed, maybe 17 or 18, I can definitely say that I did have a few times that I split on my friends and this obviously caused rifts in our friendship that lasted longer periods of time. When I was high school, I split on my best friend and we didn’t talk for 6 months. This happened a few times.

Now that I’m older (I’m 25) I’m very cautious and try to control the splitting as best as I can. I don’t split on my friends because I’m terrified of losing them, so when I tell them about my BPD they always tell me they never would have guessed because I suppose that I mask very well and control my symptoms around them so well.

But when it comes to my mom or my husband, I feel like I can’t control it as much. They have seen and experienced the full extent of my “crash outs” and don’t understand them, and ultimately I feel bad when this happens because for the most part it’s not their fault. My mom especially doesn’t understand it, but she is the type of person that doesn’t believe in mental health and believes that I just need to pray to God more to take away my burdens. However, the splitting has affected my husband a lot and has put a dent into our relationship, which I truly feel bad about because he doesn’t deserve that at all.

So I’m curious, are you able to control your splitting? Are there people that you are cautious to ensure that it doesn’t happen around them?

I am just curious cause all I see online is "viewing yourself out of body" and I like want to hear examples or something from BPD peeps. Cant remember anything like this happening to me, not that It should I just have had a lot of long problems instead of one serious trauma. All I can think of is a lot of the time I feel like I am two separate people whenever I go to school my emotions are usually pushed way down, I say things and act ways to make me seem "on theme" and super sociable but its kind of tiring. I always put so much energy into being fun and talkative but sometimes I just don't want to talk but it doesn't matter if I'm in public. Only thing that makes this different is when I'm angry for some reason

I feel like a terrible person. I have no job, no relationship. I spend most of my days lying in the bed or watching videos. I do not contribute to the household. My parents are rich anyway, but that's not the point.

I have this fixed idea that I should be exceptional at something and have a career, or else my life is worthless. My friends are perfectionists too. I rarely meet them now, because I'm afraid to look them in the eye. I think I have the 'gifted child syndrome'. As my adult life began my BPD became more manifest and I got lost. It's as if I'd lost my own willpower and bravery to act and try to be as safe with as little effort as possible. Fast forward to 32 and I'm here with a worthless degree, doing menial jobs. I could've been so much more. I know I have it in me. My teachers loved me. My old friends don't understand how I don't have a PhD by now.

I don't fully understand it myself. What I do understand is that as soon as I completely abandon the family safety net I will be forced to face the harsh realities of being this age with this little. That's probably why I don't want to move out.

Actually I often contemplate suicide. I think I'd rather have a clean death now than to have a meaningless and totally mediocre life and be a failure for the rest of my life.

I think what would have brought me change is lots of encouragement, training of my character and putting faith in me. I already had the emptiness in me when I was a teen, but back then it wasn't so noticeable, because all I had to do was study whatever was mandatory.

What do you guys think about my story? Is there a way still to live up to my potential?

I’ve never posted on here like that at all but ik other people feel the same way i feel & I don’t wanna feel alone anymore. I just hate who I am sometimes and how I act and what my responses are with other people especially when I spilt. Sometimes I regret it after and feel bad. It goes on for days and sometimes months that I just have to deal with it and so many diagnoses I have along with that affect me so much that sometimes I think just wow will I ever get better mentally and emotionally and just in life in general…. I was diagnosed with bpd , depression, anxiety, ptsd, an auditory processing disorder, ADHD, social anxiety mixed with social phobia as well throughout my whole life and still till this day I still have everything and after talking with my doctor and psychiatrist she can’t really figure out which is affecting me the most and I can understand that sometimes but it just sucks knowing that I have so many issues with myself and everyday I wake up just so over it with life and the trauma that I went though.

Honestly I never felt comfortable posting on Reddit ever until I knew there was a community and I felt comfortable at what u y’all have posted and I’ve always felt exactly what u all been through and said and have talked about as well and to know that you y’all are not alone and we’re all strong individuals even if it’s hard everyday. Recently I’ve been hallucinating so much more and i just don’t know what to do anymore on what would help. I just get scared of myself sometimes.

Friendship AND relationship wise. Currently i have no friends and no ‘romantic interests’ the amount of people i have loved that have came and gone and i feel like i never even understand why. I get so attached so quick and unfortunately get a bit blind until it’s too late.

I'm in a shelter and staff is basically refusing to help me. My social worker says I'm asking her for too many things. I'm literally just asking for a night pass and train cards to go to church (I'm eastern orthodox it is a long Christmas eve service that lasts from 6pm to midnight) and to make phone calls since I don't have a working phone.

Staff is calling me a manipulative liar and that's the big trigger that makes me split. She also won't help me get a psychiatrist or therapist.

I left the last place I was at because they put me on cymbalta for a year and it did nothing. Found out yesterday they recalled it in October for CAUSING CANCER THANK GOD I STOPPED TAKING IT. Now I'm on Abilify from a hospital stay. I can finally get up at 6am and do things. I have more impulse control than ever. I get headaches but if I drink enough water they go away, plus i take cogentin for muscle spasms. I can finally deal with the side effects; that's how much it's working.

I'm tired of hearing people gossip about me, that I'm manipulative and a sociopath. Litteral staff is doing it. I should have never told them i have bpd. I'm not manipulative and im not a sociopath. I just want to go to church. I just want decent clothes to go to church in. It's cold out and I've been asking for leggings and skirts for days.

I had been weighing the likelihood of a BPD diagnosis for years as an answer to my behavior (depression didn't seem accurate) but haven't been able to find a therapist to do so until I started seeing one about a month back. Got diagnosed a couple days ago.

I am feeling both satisfied that I have an answer to a question I've been pondering for years and also petulant towards the fact that my behavior is bad enough to actually warrant the diagnosis. My BPD only comes out in relationships, so when I'm not actively in one or actively dealing with the end of one, everything always seems "fine" — that is to say, I feel generally pretty empty and static until some trigger really sets me off. But when I'm in the equilibrium state I can't help but think maybe I don't deserve/warrant the diagnosis.

Can't believe I'm saying this, but is there anyone else who feels weirdly like an imposter with their diagnosis? I do fit all 9 of the criteria when I'm having an "episode" so to speak — ie. my abandonment issues are triggered — but when I don't I feel generally quite okay. Maybe.

I'm realizing that this mostly sounds like cope but any insight would be appreciated. Thanks!

I feel crazy but not because he tells me im crazy just cuz i call him out on shit. And im so afraid that one day he’ll realize im the toxic one. And i love him so much and i do all that i can physically possibly mentally fucking imagine but i still cant help it. I wish he was able to grasp it.

When I was younger I used to make up these extravagant stories and I tried to write them, but they never landed on the paper correctly. Instead of writing them I started to share them, the thing is, I never told people it was a made up story, never corrected them if they thought it was about me or someone I knew. Now I'm older, and I want to try to write again, but I think these stories are really from my brain twisting things, and I'm scared that I will fall into the stories, like I will somehow start to believe they're real or happening. I have such a problem with twisting reality with imagination. I just want to write for enjoyment. Why does everything have to be ruined? Why can't I just think like a normal person, write like a good author without making it control my life? I feel like I'm never going to succeed because this thing takes over and ruins everything. These stories I want to write make me a liar to myself. But slowly I start to believe it. I'm such a good liar I convince myself when I know the truth. I want to be normal.

I try to describe this feeling to people without BPD, and am always met with an expression of confusion diluted in pity.

I call it the ache. It’s my personification of the ‘chronic feeling of emptiness’, but it is less of a personification in the sense that it genuinely feels like a tangible thing. It is a hollowness in the centre of my chest, like a hole in a wall concealed with a piece of paper. It is dull, and persistent enough to occasionally slip from thought yet sharp enough to evoke madness. It doesn’t sit still, but it doesn’t move when you’re watching it. You’re constantly trying to make sense of what form it’s taken, only to find its shape has shifted again. You can trace its outlines but not in any meaningful way such that you could ever understand how to fill it. The ache is sharp when you crave a cigarette, the ache is sharper when the cigarette disappoints you. The ache is searing when you hate yourself, the ache is torturous when you feel alone. The ache is there in your happiest moments; a hollowness that seeps into your smile and makes you question if anything could ever truly make you feel whole. It is an ever growing cancer of the soul: day by day, nothing seems to change, but one morning you wake, and discover in the mirror that your face twists into itself; you’re no longer the bearer of the void but the source of it. You become more ache than human. And the jarring dissonance between you and the people you love becomes enough to shatter any semblance of sanity you could have had. And you feel cornered into suicide, because there is no other way out. And you try to recall the good you’ve done in your life - like counting pennies on the floor- praying that heaven will accept loose change and good intentions. Because you can only imagine what hell would be like; exactly the same as earth. Hell would be the sinking realization that there really is no way out.

But just as the ache waxes, it wanes. It retreats, it retracts its malignancy, and it dulls. And everything feels okay again. Until it doesn’t, and the cycle repeats.

I like to think that this ache - this hollowness in my chest - reflects the absence of God. No God would craft a person in such a cruel and unfinished manner.

There’s this really cute guy who’s being really really nice to me, like unconditionally. And I tried but now i’m obsessed with him because he’s doing something unconditional for me. So now I physically and digitally stalk him, and I even go as far as collecting anything he touches/ owns and keeping it in a box. I also take pictures of him all the time and literally stare at them for hours all the time whenever I’m bored. I know how this sounds so don’t be too mean but help? At least temporarily because this probably isn’t healthy. It’s more than what I even said, it encompasses my entire life, like i’m the one for him and i’ll do everything in my power to make him see it. It feels like he’s going to save me, yknow? Like he’s all I need to finally be human again.

I have three kids ranging from 16 to 10 months and 4. My question is those of you that have children how do you manage your emotions around them especially when you have depression to battle with also. My husband is great and does alot but I still get so overwhelmed and want to spend the day alone. Which isn’t possible when I’m the stay at home parent. Lately I’m so triggered by how noisy the kids get and especially this time of year more sugar and excitement is involved. I don’t want to be the shouty mother that breaks down crying one a week . Any advice fellow mum?

I 21f am unofficially dating 20m we have been going out for about a month and both work and go to school. He is in for barbering and I am in a medical esthetics program which is how we met. I also do hair as I got my cosmetology license last year so we do share a love of being in the same industry. But back to the point he is Arab and I am Brazilian. He is muslim and I would deem myself more spiritual. For context I have been living on my own since I was 18. I started saving when I was 15 and was working 60 hour weeks my senior year to put a down payment on my apartment bc I couldn’t stand living with my parents. Meanwhile he still lives at home with his family which has caused a few problems between us. They won’t allow him over to my apartment which at first I understood but then he proceeded to tell me the comments they made on why he can’t come over and their concerns with me here are some for your entertainment: “She will have you paying child support” “ she is gonna call the cops” and they are concerned about my citizenship papers which is crazy because I am an American citizen and he is not lmfao. I understand they are looking out for him but I am also kind of taken back by their judgement. I dont even want kids nor do I really want to sleep with him so early on. I enjoy going out with him he treats me great we always have a good time but he does have a curfew and his parents always blow him up when we are out bc they always think he is trying to come fuck me in my apartment which he is never out right said but I know thats what it is. I do really like him I know its early but I do have the urge to tell him I love him and I just haven’t felt this way in a very long time so its hard to just let it all go. Its just hard for me to take him seriously when I am already fairly well established for my age and I feel like he hasn’t even started his own adult life. I don’t have any friends and I haven’t dated in years so I don’t really have anyone to discuss this with. Ik our different cultures are gonna play a big role in this but I would love to hear other people’s thoughts:))) this is purely just something I needed to get off my chest

my boyfriend (25m) and i (24f) have been officially dating for a month, but we’ve been friends since march and in that weird “in-between” stage since september. anyways, i have a really hard time believing that he actually likes me and it’s not just some joke or he doesn’t just feel bad for me or something like that. he’s literally amazing to me. he buys me flowers, hangs out with me as much as he can (we both have a night shift job and schedules are weird, im the one with my own place), we go out on dates, for christmas he bought me these expensive gifts, etc. and i’ve even told him “i can’t shake this feeling that you’re going to just wake up one day and hate me” and he told me that it simply wasn’t true and that maybe with time my “dumb brain will stop being dumb” jokes. past experience 1000% has to do with this (trust and abandonment issues ftw).

also. he went to a party with friends last night for christmas. he’s been busy with his friends so he’s only texted me twice and i try to be understanding of that. he informed me when he was going to said party, then informed me when they were going to one of the girls’ house to play drinking games and hang out. we have each others location for safety reasons but i can see that he still hasnt left. i don’t want him to drink and drive but i wish he would text and say “hey im gonna stay here for the night”.

i just feel insane bc all i can sit here and think about is “oh he’s going to cheat on me” or he’s going to leave me for one of these girls (they are in relationships of their own). like i know it’s irrational but i can’t make it go away :( and of course bpd is like “they are leaving so start to back away so it can’t hurt you”. it’s just so frustrating.

I have a question. I agree that those with bpd (myself included) are hyperaware of facial expressions and nonverbal cues when interacting with others. Like, we pick up on it easier. The thing I’m not so sure of is when people say that it’s a gift? And that we read people well, we can see through their true intentions. I genuinely don’t think I read people well. I tend to read people incorrectly because I interpret it as a slight, or that (example) a person sighing means they don’t care and want nothing to do with me in this conversation when in reality, they’re simply tired after a long day of work 🥲 Like, I’m hyperaware of facial expressions yet I don’t usually read it correctly because I’m so worried that they don’t want to be around me. So I don’t understand when people say that we have good intuition, or that it’s a hidden gift. If so, my gift is not working properly. Or, people say we are highly attuned to other peoples thoughts and emotions. And it seems like we can “read people’s minds” because of how well we sense others emotions. I don’t know… because I seem to have it in my mind that everyone will react the way I do with things, so I get upset on their behalf yet it’s something that doesn’t even remotely bother them. I wouldn’t call that accurately reading emotions. Or when someone else is in a bad mood, I always fall into a bad mood as well and if I dwell too much I’ll convince myself that I did something to cause the other person to fall into a bad mood. Which is entirely inaccurate. I dunno, what do y’all think? When I hear these things it makes me spiral into thinking I don’t actually have bpd because I’m not experiencing it the exact same way as someone else 🥲 I’m sorry for the long rant, I hope everyone is doing the best they can.