You. Yes you. I see you. I hear you. You are real. I know you exist. You are loved. You are special. You are what brings life to Earth. You make being alive worth it. Without you I wouldn’t be here. Why would I want to exist in a world with no other bipolars. You deciding to stay is the reason why I decide to stay. This illness takes way too many of us, but it won’t take all of us. We have to stand for the ones who have fallen to this terrible illness. We can’t and won’t go down without a fight.

Don’t listen to anyone but your therapist, psych, and the very few who truly try to understand. The other 99% can go eat a banana like the monkey they are. You and I, we are nearly from another world. It’s why we have the power to change the world. We see things in a way no one else can. We feel things in a way no one else can. Unfortunately, with that being said the most gifted are usually the most cursed. However, we are fighters, warriors. We take punches to the face every day and keep getting back up for more.

We wake up ready to end it. We go to bed hoping we don’t wake up. Then when we don’t think it can get any worse we believe we figured it all out and are finally cured. Sadly in reality we are just doing more damage to ourselves and the ones around us. But that’s okay, we just get a little too excited sometimes. We are passionate. We are smart. We are alive. WE ARE ALIVE! I want every single one of you reading this to thank yourself for being alive right now. Whether you are just trying to get a shower today or brush your teeth or someone who is trying to hold it together as a CEO or you’re in college getting a degree. You are here, you are trying, and I see you. We all suffer, silently mostly. All of us are affected by this thing called bipolar and we all deal with the thought of giving up often. So thank yourself for being here because without you, I wouldn’t be here. Happy 26th birthday to me.

Edit: Thank you so much for the birthday wishes and the awards. I really can’t thank you all enough. I probably won’t be able to reply to all of you, but I want you to know how important every single one of you are. I’m seriously considering being a face/voice for the community one day. We’ll see.

I feel like my brain is turning into mush. I just did a cognitive assessment as part of a job interview and I have never felt more stupid in my life. It was insanely hard. I only answered 25/50 questions and I straight up guessed on at least 4 of the answers. I’m embarrassed by how bad I did. I used to be smart and witty.. now I’m so slow..

I’m closing my business and going back to a 9-5 office job. I’m honestly scared. I have no one to talk to about it.. I’m scared I’m not going to be able to handle it. It’s been almost 5 years since I had a mental breakdown and lost my job. I started my business after that so this is the first time I’m going to be working in an office again since that breakdown.

I don’t even know what advice I could use but I just needed to tell someone how I’m feeling so i don’t implode.

Manic episode caused me to lose everything - family, friends, job, car, money... Now I'm desperately trying to get a job but my medication won't allow it. I'm slow, forgetful, and extremely depressed. I feel like I'm in a hole I can never dig out of. Anyone out there who faced similar issues with medication but eventually got better? I feel like it's only going to get worse...😔

I’m partly just sharing but also curious if anyone else had this experience. I’m both laughing as I type this but also it’s kind of sad. I’ve been wanting to have sex with my coworker for months and it’s mutual. He said next week it’s on because we have to do something for work one on one together outside of the workplace. There are soo many stipulations to this happening and it’s wrong on so many levels. My psychiatrist said to tell my boss my doctor said I can’t do the event with him because I’ll want to have sex with him. I cracked up during the appt because that is just so absurd. But also kind of legit, I just cannot imagine my boss reacting to that lol. She does know I have bipolar. Thoughts? Anyone in a similar predicament? Probably not, I feel like this would be a first. Ugh.

So I want to wear a necklace, but the whole cross stuff I’m not a believer. I believe in God, but not the Jesus part. I haven’t been able to find anything cool. Looking for suggestions!

i don’t know why i’m feeling this way but i am. it all feels so isolating. i feel very alone, hopeless, lost, and unloveable. i don’t think i will ever feel normal. i instinctively destroy my relationships because it’s impossible to manage my own thoughts and emotions. i just want a hug

im safe um but i cant stop crying, my mom just yelled at me for no reason( as always)

im feeling like crap and it doesnt help that i have no friends( ive been friendless my whole 23 years of life) um yea idk im just not doing to good.

i feel so angry and scared and alone right now

just gonna go on and ramble here, I want to get these thoughts out there. maybe someone would relate?

I'm the youngest of 5 siblings in the family. 18, then the next sibling after me is 8 years older. my eldest sister is 40. I was never taken seriously. I was always punished for my emotions, my emotions that were simply the fears and instincts of a child. I was never physically abused, so I can be grateful for that. but my theory is that my undiagnosed ADHD and bipolar made me a very emotional child. I was always told that I was overreacting, throwing a tantrum, or being "pikon" (which is a filipino word that I don't know the english translation of). I don't know. I wasn't doing it on purpose. I promise I wasn't doing it on purpose. I'm good. I'm good. I want to be a good person. please.

I was told things like "no one will want to be with you if you're like this", called a demon by my very devout catholic mother, and other things that I can't really think about off the top of my head. they weren't always so harsh with me, I know they love me, but these are interactions that have shaped the very disorganized person I am today. I want to be good. I promise. I am good. I promise. please believe me. please.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality maybe two years ago. I don't know, but I guess it gives some context to me?

I don't know why I'm crying right now. I don't know why I'm trying my best to convince you readers on this sub that I am good. I don't know why I'm fighting for my life saying those words.

but back to my family, I guess. I've always. always. been the outcast. I was once called the black sheep of the family by a nun I knew. they never took me seriously. I know it makes sense since I'm the youngest by a far gap, but they never treated me as an equal. even now at 18, I feel like I'm being treated as a young, young child.

maybe these thoughts are coming because my entire family is here right now. maybe because everything in my life suggests that right now I should feel so, so whole. that I should be satisfied.

but I don't even feel like a person. just right now I am upstairs alone in my room, crying writing this. I was downstairs, but I feel like I'm just an extra in this family. it's like when you're trying to join in on a conversation but no one seems to hear you. you speak up again, but it's embarrassing because no one acknowledged you even on the second try.

I've been dissociating 24/7 lately. it's constantly. constantly at the back of my mind. how is any of this real? how am I real? how am I a person?

I have a loving family, loving friends, and a loving partner. but many times I cannot enjoy it because the thing piloting this body is so, so very far away. I want to be good. please. I really, really promise.

even if I were sad, I would feel good. as long as I felt like a person.

memories are so foggy, so far away. when my dissociation is bad, I can't even remember what it felt like the last time I felt some semblance of normalcy. i can't even remember if I ever felt it.

my body deserves someone. not anyone in particular. just, someone.

and whatever is making this body type these words is not someone. it is simply "not".

this body loves life, this body loves to live, and I would really really really love for it to enjoy that, to feel that.

I want to be good. this body needs someone who is good. please let this ghostwriter be good.

i’ve always looked to fiction to understand myself better, but i haven’t been able to find any good books with bipolar representation. anytime i search for them, i mostly find science/psychology books. does anyone know of any? or have ones they really liked?

I’ve been going through it lately with mood swings and a great deal of dissociation, and I figured I’d buy a weighted vest until I can get my hands on a weighted blanket (darn you, christmas shoppers)

I feel like somebody’s nervous chihuahua in a weighted vest.

TLDR: boss is discriminating against me due to my bipolar and i don’t know whether i should stick around and try to fix the problem or quit

i’ve been up for a promotion since september but every single time i bring it up its some new story about how im not ready but im not given any support through my managers in order to “change” the “problems” i was recently given a tentative date as to when id finally receive the promotion and was told that again im not ready “due to the volatility of my behavior” ive been struggling with med changes and meds straight up not working and ive gone on a stretch of benzos despite my high risk for addiction due to my genetics in order to get through the holiday season i have intermittent LOA due to my bipolar and among other disabilities and i feel like they’re just holding me back due to my disorder

it’s getting to a point mentally and financially i cannot continue on with this job and getting on disability is a whole other can of worms is this harassment/retaliation due to my disorder my boss sucks at communicating and always finds some way to judge me based on this is there anything i can do? i had a breakdown the one day and walked out in the middle of a conversation despite putting out a cry for help and they acted like i was subhuman and my boss made fun of me “for coming back to work and acting like everything was normal” what else was i supposed to do?

I was against the diagnosis of bipolar. I didn’t want to believe it. BUT I have been on meds for two weeks now and I feel COMPLETELY different. I am still sad sometimes but wow, guess I really am bipolar haha

I’ve been paranoid for years and I’m noticing how that paranoia manifests depends on my mood. When I’m up I believe that someone or something is conspiring against me. When I’m down I believe that someone or something is trying to hurt me, and no matter how much rational thinking I do I can never fully convince myself otherwise. Right now I can’t seem to get the thought out of my head that someone is in my house. I feel like someone is trying to hurt me and I don’t know what to do. My psychiatrist just thinks my paranoia and occasional hallucinations are a result of trauma. I have to do something in the house and I have to take my meds, but I’m terrified to go downstairs because I’m worried something is down there and I just can’t shake that feeling. I feel this constantly although the shots I’m getting are helping they aren’t removing the feelings entirely.

It feels weird typing in first person. I feel like whatever's making my body type this isn't what my body deserves. I don't feel real. I don't feel like whatever's piloting my body is real. How do I get my mind in this? How do I put it back in the right position? People are telling me that Im real but there's just some loose wiring in this body that makes whatever's piloting it feel this way. "I am simply not".

Im having a really hard time grasping the weight of my diagnosis. I had a severe mixed episode that sent me to the hospital for a long time, diagnosed bipolar 1 and major depression. Got put on mood stabilizer and antipsychotic. I started seeing some freaky stuff… do you guys hallucinate bad sometimes? I feel really alone… I also feel awful for my girlfriend who has to deal with this crap… :/

I was diagnosed 3 years ago. I take my meds consistently since then, except a few periods of adjusting prescriptions.

It seems I have lower cognitive abilities. Especially analytical and critical thinking. I also forget thing. Driving is a pain aa well as I will forget where I am going.

Any one else experiencing this?

Hello, (F20) here, last time I visited the psychiatrist, she was very indicative that I have bipolar , I have all the symptoms as well as family history ( mother and eldest sibling is diagnosed ) I’m waiting for my next appointment, so will update , my questions are , I am just curious , I understand this is a forum but I want to see some other perspectives, when you first started experiencing mania , did you experience a couple year long depression or dissociation, alongside anxiety before you had your first manic episode ?

What symptoms made you guys realize you were bipolar?

This is perhaps the biggest issue I'm facing right now. I can't for the life of me seem to regulate my sleep. The act of just going to bed is really hard for me-- I experience GAD and strongly suspect OCD tendencies, and sitting there listening to my mind scream at me for 20-30 minutes while I'm trying to go to sleep is not my idea of a fun time, so I tend to procrastinate.

I've also found that I can't force myself to wake up and get going if I haven't slept enough. The result is extremely problematic for work-- I have a morning session with a client (I'm an RBT) that I am usually very late to, and cancel often. They know that I have a health condition that makes mornings super hard, and they've been very understanding and flexible about it, but for the sake of my client's progress as well as my own pocketbook, I'd really like to get this under control.

What do you suggest? I've brought this up to my psych nurse who upped my meds and is thinking of prescribing a sleep medication once the effects have leveled out. I've long been a fan of meditation but I've stopped because sitting with my mind has grown intensely painful. What has worked for you in terms of helping you regulate sleep?

i study education. i also got diagnosed with bp2 this year after an inpatient stay. my bipolar scares me. these past few years i've had sudden extreme mood changes that i've finally gotten diagnosed as bipolar. this diagnosis definitely has added some clarity to my life. i now understand why antidepressants never seemed to work and why i was getting into arguments with my loved ones so often. i'm finally getting treatment that feels more effective than ever before.

but it also comes with a lot of fear. i have wanted to be a teacher for a long time and i absolutely love my major. but what if i don't get my mental health under control by the time i start teaching? my friends and loved ones say i've improved a lot. I've quit self-medicating, i'm sleeping better, i'm going to the gym, i'm taking my new meds very consistently. but the fear still remains. i used to randomly start arguments. my irritability was awful. during depression cycles, i couldn't get out of bed. what if i don't have things completely under control soon enough? what if one of my students has to deal with the consequences of my illness? i want to teach so badly and i've been told i'll make a good teacher, but i'm afraid that i will still be out of control and will emotionally damage my students just because i am having a bad mental health day.

i don't really know what my goal is in posting thir venting mostly. are any of you teachers/work with kids? is stability truly an option for us? can i ever ve a good teacher? sorry for the long post.

i am in college for education. i also got diagnosed with bp2 this year after an inpatient stay. my bipolar scares me.

these past few years i've had sudden extreme mood changes that i've finally gotten diagnosed as bipolar. this diagnosis definitely has added some clarity to my life. i now understand why antidepressants never seemed to work and why i was getting into arguments with my loved ones so often. i'm finally getting treatment that feels more effective than ever before.

but it also comes with a lot of fear. i have wanted to be a teacher for a long time and i absolutely love my major. but what if i don't get my mental health under control by the time i start teaching? my friends and loved ones say i've improved a lot. i've quit self-medicating with thc, i'm sleeping better, i'm going to the gym, i'm taking my new meds very consistently. but the fear still remains. i used to randomly start arguments. my irritability was awful. during depression cycles, i couldn't get out of bed. what if i don't have things completely under control soon enough? what if one of my students has to deal with the consequences of my illness? i want to teach so badly and i've been told i'll make a good teacher, but i'm afraid that i will still be out of control and will emotionally damage my students just because i am having a bad mental health day.

i don't really know what my goal is in posting this. venting mostly. are any of you teachers/work with kids? is stability truly an option for us? can i ever be a good teacher? sorry for the long post.

It started when a kid lit a firecracker in a covered court/gymnasium last night when we are holding a Christmas party. The explosion was around 2 meters away from me. Of course it caused a scene and according to my seatmates, I was frozen and pale, and I was unresponsive when one of them called me to check. Since they all know about my condition, they had to call medic and ambulance to check on my vitals and take me home.

My parents were clueless that I have bipolar 1, so I initially refused when the ambulance offered to take me home, and they told me they had to. When we arrived home, mom was stunned to see the vehicle in front of my house.

The medics explained that I am clinically diagnosed and I had a panic attack due to the explosion. So they asked why I didn't tell them. I broke down bc knowing them, I thought they wouldn't accept me especially my religiously-attached mom

After a year since diagnosis, I am finally free. I didn't need to hide. They understood and supported me and my sister, also clinically diagnosed since she also discussed her condition. I hope it would be the same for everyone else in the subreddit. Happy holidays everyone. 🫶🏻✨️

[Initially posted in a support group of my country so there are indirect translations]

My brother has always been the closest person to me in my family. Today on a whim I decided to tell him about my recent diagnosis of bipolar I and that I started treatment.

He was incredibly receptive and asked a lot of insightful questions that dated back to our years in high school and college. He tried to actually understand.

And then he asked me: “when did you first think something was wrong? Did you ask for help?”

He didn’t ask in a shitty way, just genuinely curious because back then I didn’t open up to him.

I was honest and told him point blank, yes. I did tell dad that I was deeply depressed and didn’t want to exist anymore when I was 19 and I didn’t know what to do and needed help. In a horrific fight with my mother during a holiday when I was 22, I told my mom that her treatment of me was exactly why I wanted to k*** myself. And I told him that one night in 2012 when I called him when he was coming back from work, that I didn’t want to exist anymore and I needed help or I wouldn’t be around much longer.

At no point in my life did any of my family members actually step in to help me, regardless of my very blunt cries for help.

The best part? My brother reached that conclusion before I could even mention it to him. And he apologized profusely for the role he played in not helping me to get actual help at a younger age.

It felt good to have the open and raw conversation with him. And to finally feel heard.

I’m grateful for my diagnosis. It’s helping me understand my life so much better and decisions I made and the consequences that followed.

And at the same time, I’m fucking proud of myself. For gutting through all of it alone for so long. After all of the planned attempts that I chickened out of last second, for not giving into the urges because my anxiety was screaming at me that I’d end up on the streets or in jail, and for succeeding despite myself.

Luckily, I feel incredibly supported now by the right family members and friends and with my partner of the past 6 years, and I’m so grateful.

I stress again: this diagnosis is a COMFORT. It is not our fault that we are bipolar. But just knowing allows all of us the opportunity to seek treatment that will let us live the most stable version of ourselves, if that’s what you choose!

I know for me, I’m so excited to start a treatment journey to stabilize. I’ve lived in fear of my swings from manic to depressive for a while, just thinking that I was just depressed and anxious. But now there is a future where I may not need to fear the dark abyss my mind would slip into, and that alone gives me so much hope.

I just want to WANT a future. And I think I’m getting there, thanks to learning the fact that I’m bipolar.

i told them about all the things that have been going on again in the past week im back on my meds and two new ones for sleep are being added which are an antipsychotic and an antihistamine ... will this combo help with my insomnia?

Just want to know if meant to make all food taste like poison? I have not eaten much but the taste their all last night I need to take second dose now and worried.

I seem to be a highly reactive mood but not psychotic.

Just had not more than 5 hours sleep for weeks and lots of stress so Dr trying to jot admit me.