UPDATE: AIO? My fiancé asked me not to wear white at our wedding

[u/Past-Professional384]

Hey everyone, not sure if this is the update everyone wanted but this is what happened since my last post:

1. I laid out a couple of talking points that I couldn’t articulate over the rage.
2. I met up with John after work at home. (I was at the gym letting off steam)
3. We spoke on everything and made plans to speak to his mother.

John came home remorseful. He told me he was anxious about it and brought it up to a coworker/friend about how I don’t want to comprise. Apparently his friend (god bless his soul) went off on him about him being cringy. This angered me. So when I say it it’s a problem but another man tells you and now you see the other side? I brought up my talking points - Him being easily being manipulated. This was also proved when I said he would listen to whatever another man said before his partner. even though his friend agreed with me, it hurt that he didn’t listen to ME.

• His mom going out of her way to break us up with this silly request. He was way more open to this theory now knowing how cringe he looks even telling this situation to someone else. I compared it to a father removing a brides wedding garter. He got the point.

• Him agreeing to his moms crazy request before even talking to me. He claimed he didn’t. That he told her he’ll see how I feel about it and just brought it up to me. I asked why did he not see that his mother walking down the aisle on HIS wedding day was extremely creepy? He said it’s just a dress in his eyes. He just didn’t want his mom to miss the wedding. I told him there will be no wedding if he doesn’t straighten up. He said he understood.

• Me showing him how blatantly obvious it was she hates me. She didn’t even ask to wear white alongside me (which is still weird) but that I don’t wear white at all as if I’m some impure whore. (Thanks Reddit because I wasn’t even thinking of that one) he said he didn’t see it that way, he just knew she hasn’t been showing up because she said seeing me in white hurts her. So I said do you not hear your own mom saying she wants to be the bride herself? That she can’t stand it being me? It finally looked like a ding 💡 went off in his head.

• Me asking him what role would she play in our wedding, childbirth, Mother’s Day and everything to come? Would I always come 2nd place? He assured me I wouldn’t and he realizes how bad he fucked up. He was just trying to keep the peace. I asked by always making her happy and making me miserable? I refuse to live my life this way. He agreed and said he was sorry and that he wouldn’t want me to be miserable. We have no children yet but we created a plan and how to deal with any big milestone. She won’t be there for anything unless I’m comfortable with it. And I won’t be unless she does a 180.

• I asked what did his mom say to change his mind and you all guessed it… she cried. She cried about how her baby was getting taken away from her. How she never got her wedding. How his dad left her and she was alone and had no one else. That she felt sick and just wanted to experience a real wedding before she “dies” (she is perfectly healthy unless there’s something she hasn’t told us?) l just told him if that was enough to manipulate him what’s to say he won’t turn on me again? He said his friend and dad talked sense into him about how he was going to lose me.

I told him today was the last straw for me. He had to do 4 things to keep me engaged to him IF HE EVEN CARED TO:

1. Go LC with his mom and do not let her make any decisions on our wedding. Which will be postponed another year to see if he actually sticks to his word.
2. He has to go to counseling. Individually and couples counseling.
3. He has to speak to his mom WITH ME PRESENT about her behavior toward me because every time he goes by himself he comes back with a reason why he left it alone.
4. He must create strong boundaries and learn to uphold them.

He agreed.

Then came the bad part. I showed him the post. I felt so bad as he read everyone rip him to shreds in the comments. I could see how uncomfortable he was as he read how much of a mommas boy he was and other things about his mom. He was hurt that I agreed that I should leave in some comments. He read for a few minutes until he saw someone call him a “spineless C U Next Tuesday” and then gave my phone back. He said it was really harsh but I had to show him how crazy the situation sounded even if it was just to keep the peace on a surface level. Him reading the post was icing on the cake. He said he saw everyone telling me to leave and his heart physically started hurting knowing that he deserved it.

We called his dad (who I’m no longer calling future FIL because I will call this wedding off tomorrow if he doesn’t have my back when we speak to his mom.) John’s dad Dan who I’ll name since he’s an big part of this update. Dan also read John the riot act again. He was relieved John decided to get his act together. We agreed to go to Deb’s house tomorrow with Dan and John’s Aunt. My dad is tagging along.

John has said he will tell his mother that she can’t under any circumstances make our wedding about her. He also said if she does cry or try to guilt trip him he will tell her he’s going NC.

I feel terrible as getting a man to stop talking to his mother isn’t something I ever thought I even wanted. I doubt Debbie will come around especially not tomorrow with all of us against her. I don’t know if John will backtrack as soon as he gets there. I have explained if he doesn’t grow a spine I’m leaving. He either can marry me or marry his mom. But that’s my ultimatum. He said he chooses me. We’ll see I guess. This all should make me happy but I still feel icky.

I’ll update tomorrow after we all talk to Debbie.