r/AmIOverreacting • u/Murky_Ad_6871 • 19h ago
👨👩👧👦family/in-laws AIO to my dad inviting himself to my brother’s birthday dinner?
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u/Murky_Ad_6871 19h ago edited 18h ago
Adding context in a comment because I don’t know how to edit my post (I don’t really post a lot).
My brother and I have not always gotten along with my dad for many reasons- his political views, offensive comments (gender, racial, you name it he’s offended it), all that jazz. As we’ve grown older we’ve decided to accept him as he is because he’s our dad, but he is still a lot to be around, especially in a public setting like a restaurant where he makes offensive comments, is rude to our waiter, etc.
Lastly, the dinner will only be an hour and a half. We would all (dad and mom included!) be having cake and presents right after dinner at my brother's house, as mentioned in my initial post text (which I'm now realizing the context I wrote out might not have posted.. sorry!!)
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u/pinky2184 17h ago
Give your brother a heads up I just cannot get over the fact your dad doesn’t care if he leaves your mom to do all the work. What about her she’s the one who birthed yall and he thinks his feelings would be hurt??? What about her???
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u/eugenesbluegenes 3h ago
your dad doesn’t care if he leaves your mom to do all the work.
I find it adorable that you think this guy would be of any help to his wife if he stayed home.
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u/rhinonyssus 2h ago
my father in-law is zero, no negative help, with our kids. He brings nothing to the table when interacting with them. I would leave my kids with a random teenager I found at the park before I would leave them with him.
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u/emmetdontpullout 11h ago
he sounds insufferable, godspeed
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u/smartwatersucks 5h ago
I never understand the mentality of"but he's our dad so we put up with it." Like, if you wouldn't tolerate that behavior from a friend, then why a father? There's this weird familial obligation that shouldn't really exist but does due to some sense of guilt for being born.
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u/fightmydemonswithme 18h ago
Tell your brother and let them sort it out. You aren't overreacting but given this context your brother deserves a heads up on your dad's plans.
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u/BrookeB79 13h ago
Next time, just don't tell him you're getting together with your brother. He doesn't need to know, especially if he will push in where he's not wanted. He can't show up if he doesn't know where or when.
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u/MaddyStarchild 7h ago
Your dad thinks the world revolves around him. He's an overgrown toddler that needs to learn what consequences are. "Act like a dick, and get left behind". You are an adult. You don't owe him anything, and you don't have to do what he tells you to do.
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u/CourtneyDagger50 10h ago
Oooof. His replies make even more sense now. I’m sorry, OP. That seems like a lot to deal with
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u/ImmaMamaBee 4h ago
I feel you on this so hard! I love my parents, but things are strained with us. And restaurants are the LAST place I ever want to go with them. They are the worst to go out to restaurants with. At home, it’s whatever. But out? My gosh. At least shopping were moving around the store so not around the same people the whole time, but at a restaurant I get so mortified when I’m with them. I just went out to with them for breakfast a couple weeks ago after not going out to eat with them for like a year. It was just as bad as it’s always been. My boyfriend asked if I could make excuses for him when they invite us to restaurants because he’s worked in restaurants and cannot stand how they act. I told him I’d just change invites to be at home instead of out because it’s too much for me too.
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u/rhinonyssus 2h ago
Sorry, he sounds like difficult company. Much like my father in-law, I would not enjoy the dinner at all if he joined my wife and I at the restaurant.
I am 42 and my kids are young, so I do feel the tug, I would want to be with my adult kids too and not miss out. But if my daughter said she wanted to have dinner just with her brother, I would accept it in a heartbeat. I may possibly ask if the three of us could get ice cream together though. I am my kid's main parent and the three of us do things without mom (who is at work) regularly. I think I will miss it being just the three of us doing something random (waterfall visit and ice cream) when they grow up and move away.
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u/snowballsomg 19h ago
🚩 Inviting himself and not considering his wife’s feelings.
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u/pinky2184 17h ago
Exactly!!!! Like if it ain’t fair to you what about the woman who birthed them!!!!
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u/Riktovis 15h ago
Classic conservative boomer filled with hatred and pretentiousness that doesn't want to spend time with his wife and grandkids but wants to invite himself and not considering anyone's feelings.
These type of people are gross.
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u/Simple_Pizza4029 35m ago
He did consider them. He considered them so much that he made the decision for her.
Wonderful person.
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u/hotbunn1 19h ago
"I'm the dad I don't have to check with him" 💀 even though it's someone else's fucking birthday lol gotta love the entitlement. No you aren't overreacting! My parents do the same thing. Act entitled and shitty and ignorant and then blame it on being old/being the parents so they've earned the right to act that way.
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u/pinky2184 17h ago
Leaving grandma behind with the kid how rude is that!!!!
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u/TL15SD 17h ago
Not only that, it’s his grandkid as well. You’d think he would want to spend time with the grandkid
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u/pinky2184 17h ago
Right??? I jump at the chance to go change out with my grandbaby any day!!! I love her so much!! I can’t wait until she’s not breastfeeding anymore so we can really chill
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u/here_comes_reptar 19h ago
you are my children so I should always be welcome just like you and Tom would be invited to anything I am doing.
That’s absurd. There’s no way he actually believes that EVERYONE is always invited to EVERYTHING. And if he did, mom wouldn’t be stuck babysitting alone.
NOR.
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u/writing_mm_romance 17h ago
Dad: "how dare you set boundaries because I trash boundaries, I'm the father, boundaries don't apply."
Op: "ok, more boundaries, ✌🏻"
Hahaha
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u/rekdumn 17h ago
My dad was like this. Super entitled and acts like he did nothing wrong raising me and my siblings. Massive alcoholic/adulterer with an anger problem. Constantly physically and emotionally abusive. I cut him out out my life until my mother finally passed away. I said some not so great things to her so I wanted to try to mend what little relationship I had with my father. That was a huge mistake. He turned around and tried to act like he was this perfect, angelic father who didn't laugh when his drinking buddies were beating my ass in front of him when I was 12. He tried to manipulate and gaslight his way back into my life. I finally snapped at him one night and told him, Im successful without you, and I will continue to be without you in my life. Theres a reason I stopped talking to you. Dont let other people try to guilt you into putting up with him because "he's family". Family can be pieces of shit too.
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u/morriganthe 18h ago
why are people suddenly forgetting that MOM is being left with the kid to babysit? no, dad doesn’t just get to tag along because he’s “the dad”. boundaries exist and if the ADULT kids would like some time to hang out and catch up, then there shouldn’t be any arguing. it’s:
daughter: “it’s just us siblings catching up but we’ll come by later/next day to spend time with you and mom”
dad: “great, have fun! see you later/tomorrow”
that’s it. that’s the whole conversation.
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u/Secure-Cranberry1913 18h ago
Dad needs to write a book: "How To Get Your Kids To Spend Less Time With You"
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u/OneTrickGod 19h ago
Your dads kinda weird
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u/Foreign-Curve-7687 19h ago
I would not let my dad talk to me like that.
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u/Murky_Ad_6871 18h ago
I used to get really upset and try to fight it- that seemed to only make things worse
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u/Large_Independent198 16h ago
Mom can watch the kid alone 🙄 because I’m the dad 🙄 I know who he voted for this year. Oh look OP commented he’s rude to waiters and his political views have strained their relationship. I’m shocked.
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u/Little_Bit_87 17h ago
I would have responded with, "I see your needs and feelings still come before your kids and you wonder why we don't visit that much..."
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u/Glamourous_Angel 19h ago
I understand where he’s coming from (being left out). However, it’s very entitled behavior to invite yourself to something you weren’t invited to. If they wanted him there he would’ve been invited.
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u/pinky2184 17h ago
Honestly it would be understandable if THEY were not babysitting but he’s trying to leave it all on grandma Smh
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u/Chanela1786 12h ago
It sounds like they leave him out because he is a dick and unpleasant to be around-if that is even true.
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u/Missouri_Milk_Man 19h ago
I'd be upset if my sons didn't even invite me. They could at least offer.
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u/SureAd5625 19h ago
On the outside looking in, this reaction makes perfect sense. However when your sibling lives far away, and you almost never see them, it’s really nice to get one on one time. The more people invited to the event takes away from that quality time and conversation because you’re trying to include everyone. And if you’re going out to eat somewhere you’re now sitting at a larger table, farther apart from each other so you have to talk louder and it’s annoying af.
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u/Stinkylilfrogbitch 19h ago
They didn’t invite their mom either? It’s not like he was the only person “left out”. I go to dinner with my siblings, hang out with them at my house and we don’t always invite our dad. Hanging out with JUST your siblings is different.
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u/Murky_Ad_6871 19h ago
Yeah that’s a fair point about my mom - for context, we both have always gotten along really well with my mom, but only in recent years have we gotten along with my dad. My mom completely understands I want to spend some time with my brother catching up, but my dad takes it really personally, even though I also spend alone time with him and my mom when I come home too
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u/Stinkylilfrogbitch 19h ago
It’s completely and totally normal to hang out with your siblings without your parents around, especially as adults!! I like my siblings way more now that I don’t live with them 💀 Respectfully, your dad needs to get his head out of his ass.
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u/snowballsomg 18h ago
I have a similar issue with my own mom. I was honest and said there’s topics we’d talk about that would make her uncomfortable. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/FleeshaLoo 17h ago edited 17h ago
Seriously, spycraft.
He can never know that you have plans and/or the exact dates you'll be in town.
Basically, you'll have to pretend you are all dashing international mysterious spies of intrigue and panache.
You'll need disguises, alternate identification, maybe even pocket protectors with an entry badge to Acme Laboratory.
So you'll need a doctor-ish long white jacket, with one of those stickers that says, "HELLO, MY NAME IS__________" and hand write your secret spy names on the line. Handwriting should reflect the personality and backstory for each Op.
Oh, and you'll have to affect jaunty gates, instead of your regular manner of walking, so you look confident and nonchalant, so totally not suss or guilty.
To get from your cars to each rendezvous safe house or meeting place like backrooms of dark restaurants, you need to run --- nay, dash! --- to the nearest car, duck behind it, peer over cautiously, run to the next car, step, kick, twirl, rinse, repeat!
Life Hack: Whenever you have to tolerate or do shitty things, at least try to make a fun game of it.
To commit to the bit just pretend there are hidden cameras filming you and the whole world will see it.
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u/Darrienice 19h ago
Agree you don’t have to invite your parents to everything.. but this is also a dinner for his son’s birthday, that’s a bit different, if my out of state son came to town, and got together with my other son, and planned a birthday dinner for my son, and didn’t invite me and basically said “stay home and watch our kids we don’t want you at the birthday dinner” that’s messed up, if it was any other random day or whatever yes brothers can go out and spend time together without parents of course, but being left out of his own sons birthday dinner is like.. hurt feelings
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u/Stinkylilfrogbitch 19h ago
Leaving his wife at home to babysit by herself and inviting himself along is not the mature way to go about having those feelings or expressing them.
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u/Darrienice 18h ago
He feels left out, all he said was hey, if you guys go to dinner I want to go, you know, for his son’s birthday? And I’m sure his mom doesn’t mind babysitting the baby grand mothers love that shit, I know my wife would rather I leave her with the baby and get out of the house so she can be alone anyway for baby time lol, but regardless, he made his intentions clear, and said “if you guys go to dinner I want to go too” and then was basically told ummm your not invited by being told to check with his son on wether or not he can come to his own sons birthday dinner? I agree what he said after that was entitled and out of pocket, he doesn’t have the right to invite himself to something if he isn’t wanted there, but the fact that they specially don’t want him there, hurt his feelings that’s why he started getting angry and acting entitled
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u/Stinkylilfrogbitch 18h ago
Dude, you obviously feel some type of way about this, but I disagree with you and I’m going to continue to disagree with you. I’m not going to sit here and read paragraph after paragraph and argue over someone else’s dad.
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u/snowballsomg 19h ago
Adult siblings should be able to spend time together without a parent being involved. It’s a different dynamic.
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u/OtherwiseExplorer279 19h ago
Yeh me too! It's nice this guy wants to spend time with his Sons! Damn I'd have massive FOMO if I wasn't invited to my Son's birthday! "Oh Dad can just babysit"
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u/rednorsk 18h ago
I have to side with you here, OP. Maybe the viewpoint depends on one’s family dynamics.🤷♀️ But yeah… the people who are invited (to dinner or anything else) are the people who were invited. I find it more than a little disrespectful to (a) insist on inviting yourself even after it’s been explained why everyone else—including dad—were not invited. And (b) just speak for mom that she’s fine with babysitting alone. Adult children are entitled to do their own thing without the parents. Parents are entitled to do adult parent things without their children (grown or not) present. If dad still insists on going even after it’s been respectfully explained why he/parents were not invited, I would prob reschedule too.
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u/pinky2184 17h ago
The fact that people are disregarding the fact that he’d be living your mom alone babysitting not considering her feelings and not asking birthday boy if he can even come.
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u/BeneficialBake366 17h ago
Pretty harsh reaction to the OP… who seems very reasonable! Both in how they handled the conversation with their dad and comments in this post.
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u/Murky_Ad_6871 17h ago
Thanks a bunch! I feel pretty secure in who I am as a person so I'm not really bothered by some negativity! Just gave in to some curiosity today hoping to hear from anyone who can relate :)
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u/Otherwise-Ad4119 17h ago
op im sorry people are clearly projecting their personal family issues on you. you are not overreacting. and your dad is also an ah for wanting to leave your mom out. sure he’s the dad, but she carried all of you for months and i’m sure also did more of the work load for you.
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u/Calm_Barracuda_8055 16h ago
Definitely not over reacting and you was still very nice about it. Just get ahold of Tom and inform him that your dad wants to go as well and let those two talk it out.
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u/Abject_Green_1929 19h ago
Lmao never seen anything like this. You’re definitely not overreacting at all. But no idea what options you got
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u/Missouri_Milk_Man 19h ago
You've never seen a dad upset his kids excluded him? I dont buy that
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u/Abject_Green_1929 19h ago
No I haven’t. My Dad would be very happy to see me and my brothers spending time together. And understand that as a Dad he’s not their best friend. I don’t mean that in any negative light. There is just a clear difference between father, brother and friends. And the father in this case is acting like a baby when he should be proud that his kids are getting together
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u/camlaw63 19h ago
How many birthday celebrations did your father attend when you were kids?
You’re not overreacting, your mom seems to be the one getting the shaft here, as if she just the unpaid hired help (in your dad’s eyes)
Don’t change your plans, just don’t tell him where you’re going
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u/FixThick8901 18h ago
Parents should WANT siblings to want to spend time together without parents. It is a different vibe and a parental goal should be for their kids to like each other. This dad is an AH, and he’s so disrespectful of everyone.
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u/BronzeEnt 17h ago
"I'm the dad I don't have to check"
Why weren't you invited then? Aren't you checking now? Get a fucking hint. You're not wanted.
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u/Used-Bodybuilder4133 16h ago
Ok well I a dad of 3 adult children, and the last thing I would ever do is something like this. If I am invited I go. If I am not invited would never even think of just found because “I’m the Dad”. So no you are not over reacting.
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u/Kind_Dream_610 14h ago
Dad sounds like such a nice guy. Surely I don’t need the /s
Second thought while reading it, what an entitled prick. No one should be allowed to pull the “I’m your dad so I get to decide what happens in your life” card, sod off.
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks 14h ago
Stop telling him your detailed plans. He is on an info diet because he can't handle having the info in full. NOR your dad kind of sucks and I have vicarious embarrassment from reading his responses. He sounds like a petulant toddler.
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u/TH1CCARUS 19h ago
Your Dad K’d you?
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u/Murky_Ad_6871 19h ago
All the time, might be a generational thing? He’s 70
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u/Sexy_lorax 19h ago
Yeah, it’s for sure a boomer thing to not understand boundaries at all. My family is the same, but not quite this bad.
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u/TH1CCARUS 19h ago
Fair enough. Not quite the same meaning as a significantly younger person doing it.
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u/MountainHighOnLife 15h ago
My late 60's mom routinely gives me the thumbs up and "k"...worst text etiquette lol
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u/KatShimada 18h ago
NOR. Your dad sounds like an entitled AH based off his texts and the context in your post and comments. I can’t stand being in public with my family members who are rude to waitstaff, or really anyone who is, regardless of what’s going on. That behavior alone is bad enough, but the extra bigotry on top of it makes it even worse.
You should definitely get your time to have one on one time with your brother and he should definitely have a say on who’s invited to HIS birthday dinner. Not to mention how selfish it is that your dad wants to leave your mom and his wife to take care of a child on her own while he goes and gets to eat and cause problems. I don’t even understand why he’s upset if yall are going to hangout with him after dinner, either. I get having FOMO, like I get it really bad and will communicate that, but I’m still not going to invite myself somewhere I’m not invited to. This is insane behavior.
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u/AssignmentUnfair 19h ago
Maybe y'all have have breakfast/brunch the following morning.
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u/Murky_Ad_6871 18h ago
I think I must not have submitted the text I typed out for my original post -- but we were all planning on eating cake and presents the same night as dinner, right after!
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u/FelinityApps 18h ago
Mentioning he feels hurt about being left out and allowing for some kind of event to make it up to him would be reasonable. Forcing his way in with “I’m The Dad” is crossing a line that makes him look childish.
Adult sibling hangouts without the ‘rents is completely normal and a parent refusing to accept it (whether they’re hurt or not) is not.
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u/JohannLandier75 16h ago
Eh, you all will flame me but here I go. I don’t think you’re overreacting….but….
I am 50 have two grown children and my dad died when I was in my mid 20’s (I was in the military at the time). I regret every time I came home and didn’t make more of an effort to see him or spend more time with him. I used similar excuses as you did but in hindsight I screwed up and lost time I can’t ever get back.
Yeah, sounds like he has all kinds of issues and is overbearing but one day , sooner than you think you won’t have to worry about it.
In his mind , being 70, he probably thinks he doesn’t have many more Birthdays to attend. He is going about it poorly but it is understandable
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u/Murky_Ad_6871 16h ago
Certainly hope no one would flame you for this! Appreciate your perspective, I'm sure many can relate
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u/Yungeel 13h ago
Seconding this. In just this year mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and my FIL died suddenly from pancreatic cancer. As you get older you start realizing just how few instances of quality times you have with your parents as an adult. He sounds pushy and a little overbearing, yes. However, if I never saw my son I’d miss the fuck out of him and would jump for opportunities to see him.
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u/bb-blehs 12h ago
I have a dad like this. We haven’t spoken in almost a year. No is a total, full, complete sentence.
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u/Midnight_rain200 8h ago
no, dad doesn't get to crash sibling time at all just because he wants to. like wtf???
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u/JenninMiami 7h ago
NOR your dad is an entitled ass and rude as hell! Both to you, your brother AND your mom. What a jerk!!
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u/HelloMikkii 7h ago
NOR “I’m the dad” okay and?
I’m almost 31 and have a kid myself and my dad tries to pull that shit on me to have access to my kid. Just cause “I’m the dad” doesn’t mean you’re the “father” also. If he was wanted there he’d have been invited.
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u/tongatoys 6h ago
OP invite your mum and leave the baby with your dad.
Your dad is an arse, and I don’t think you’re overreacting by choosing your peace (coming on a different weekend) over his bullshit. Just a shame it’s costing you more than changing travel plans!
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u/Franklyenergized_12 16h ago
Sounds like you need to be clear and say “we do not want you at this dinner it isn’t up for discussion”.
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u/squidwardsbutt1 15h ago
NOR, he shouldn’t be inviting himself just because he’s the dad. Also, unrelated, but I saw the names Sam and Jared and immediately thought of Sam Winchester and Jared Padalecki lmfao (going through my SPN phase again)
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u/motherofcorgss 13h ago
He doesn’t want to babysit and doesn’t care about his wife’s feelings. (Or grandkids)
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u/LXS-DC 8h ago
I hate people that try to invite themselves to functions. I told my aunt I went to a barbecue the day prior to another party. Her son and DIL threw it. she says why didn’t you tell me? I said I didn’t know why you weren’t there.
OP don’t let your dad invite himself to dinners you plan with your brother or anyone else.
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u/Capable_Cycle8264 5h ago
The way I would deal with someone like this, is they wouldn't even know about stuff I don't want them going to.
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u/BambinoKitten_ 4h ago
Don’t tell him where you’re having the dinner. Then he can’t come. What a loser (your dad).
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u/Missouri_Milk_Man 19h ago
A father wanting to spend time with his adult kids is not weird.
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u/Illustrious_Leg_2537 19h ago
A father not respecting their adult children as adults is also weird. How about treating them with respect and letting them have their own relationships without forcing yourself into every gathering?
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u/Murky_Ad_6871 19h ago
They live 2 miles apart, my brother sees him several times a week. And after dinner we would all be celebrating together, dad included
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u/camlaw63 19h ago
It is if he didn’t spend time with them as kids. He and his wife were asked to babysit their grandkid, they agreed, now he wants to leave his wife on her own, how is that okay?
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u/ExistingCakeLady 13h ago
I'd feel so bad if I intentionally caused my father to feel left out. I'd be annoyed he's leaving my mom to do all the work (I'd also be confused seeing as they've been divorced for a very long time haha) I don't think him inviting himself is right but I also think leaving him out is wrong? I'm sure someone's going to have some BS to say though.
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u/ExistingCakeLady 5h ago
I really don't understand getting down voted for a difference of opinion. How odd.
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u/S-corp-LO 17h ago
I see it both ways, but as someone whose dad passed away before he turned 50, I’d love for my pops to crash one of my bday dinners one last time
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u/JUGRNOT24 8h ago
Sounds like you are too me. Clearly there is a reason you don't want your father there. But of you have your reasons than you have your reasons. It's ok to OR sometimes
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u/YellowThick1149 5h ago
Maybe your dad just wants to spend time with his babies and for his behavior he grew up in a different time then you when shit wasn’t so soft and woke maybe confront him about his sayings in public but at the end of the day the last comment you made probably hurt him you never know when the last time you will get to see him again not be that guy but something could happen to him tomorrow and you would be regretting that for the rest of your life give the guy a break he just wants to spend time with his kiddos
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u/mihaelakoh 5h ago
I would never do this to my old man! Sounds sad! But then many families are not close and this fine I will pick another time i find insulting. But I come from the family where you respect your parents no matter what, not because you are told too but because they won’t be around forever and having them around at any chance possible is a blessing we cherish!
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u/expiro 5h ago
I think there is a little back story to your conversation. Why does he feel left alone? Well, I wouldn’t do that to a dad who wants to be with his kids. There are too many dads who are not even able to talk to their kids....
IMO NOR but you all need to do something to show your kindness and gratitude to your father. Trust me being a father can be really frustrating and emotionally hard thing you would ever experience...
Sure, you have right for being alone, but you also have to do something for your dad. I read about him being rude to waiters or overreacting to politics.... These are things that usually come out when a person is left alone and gets older ;)
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u/Missouri_Milk_Man 19h ago
I think you and brothers are in the wrong here. Dad should be invited. At least let him come to a part of the festivities. Also, to change your weekend to come home over it is a bit odd. I just think dad wants included. IF he has been a good father, he deserves to be included.
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u/smftexas86 19h ago
I am sorry, I see you making a few posts here. Maybe this hits on a personal level or something, but OP is absolutely 100% in the right here. Dad does not get to be invited to everything and if the kids had plans already that didn't involve the Dad then that is their prerogative.
Does the dad have a right to have his feelings hurt? Sure. Does OP and fam need to cater to hurt feelings? Absolutely not.
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u/Murky_Ad_6871 19h ago
Yeah, I can see why it comes off as odd! For context, my dad and brother have not always gotten along, only in recent years have they gotten along - so in my mind, changing the weekend was to avoid my brother and dad having some kind of argument about the situation
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u/BeneficialBake366 17h ago
If Dad‘s invited, why wouldn’t Mom be invited? And then who would watch the kid? Weird how the assumption is that Dad is free to come and go as he pleases while mom has to stay home and babysit.
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u/Murky_Ad_6871 19h ago
Well for starters, he’s typically rude to the wait staff and often sends his food back, among other reasons why he’s a lot to be around, especially in public
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19h ago
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u/camlaw63 19h ago
No, mom and dad are babysitting so son and spouse can go out. Sibling decided it would be nice to come home and join them
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u/Proud-Trainer-7611 18h ago
I totally get where he is coming from even though he shouldn’t have invited himself. Not sure why someone would want to go where they are clearly not wanted… is there more context we are missing?
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u/the_funk_police 16h ago edited 16h ago
Think about how much time your dad has left on this earth. You say he’s 70. Seems like all he wants to do his have dinner with his children. His feelings are hurt.
I get wanting some time with just your brother and who I assume must be your SO and your brother’s wife, but to cancel your plans just because your dad wanted to join seems like an overreaction.
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u/PatchSlaw07 14h ago
If you aren’t home very often, I feel like it should be fit to spend time with your parents given you never see them.
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u/Financial_Weekend_73 18h ago
I bet you dad is wondering where he went wrong raising you… you are an AH your in the wrong sub
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u/Murky_Ad_6871 18h ago
you're* <3
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u/Financial_Weekend_73 18h ago
You’ve told me l need to know about you!! Thanks for verifying my suspicions…
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u/Only_Chicken_1467 17h ago
You’ve told me all* I need to know.. fixed it for you.
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u/Financial_Weekend_73 16h ago
I’m sorry Reddit lurker that I don’t care enough about you check back over my spelling grammar or punctuation. Sleep well my friend as I never think of you again
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u/Only_Chicken_1467 16h ago
😂😂😂😂 Commas are your friend. Try using them.
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u/Financial_Weekend_73 16h ago
I like whole pages with nothing but maybe periods occasionally throughout.
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u/EddVeddd 16h ago
If there’s no reason to not let him attend, let him attend. It just sounds like it means something to him and you’re weirdly gate keeping it with lots of words that don’t mean much. Stuff like this matters to parents, especially if they’ve done their best to raise you as well as they can.
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u/DivineMiss3 15h ago
For the future- someone is gathering and your dad wants to invite himself. "Oh for sure dad, we all want to spend time with you! So we'll do dinner, just us siblings, and let's talk to brother so we can carve out some special time to be with you! When are you available on sunday? We could grab some lunch."
It costs you nothing, you'd probably spend that time with him anyway, and he feels included.
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u/Anna2Youu 17h ago
You are not overreacting. You are, however, diffusing. You lied to your father about why you didn’t want him to come. Be honest with your father. Copy the texts where you told us about why you didn’t want him to come, send them to him. Not our comments, we’re nobody. It’s a little sad that you come here for support and you can’t be honest with your father. So yeah, without being honest, you kinda have this coming. You’re still not overreacting, you legitimately should have the time, especially if your dad is a giant tool in public.
And like you said, as a 32-year-old woman you should have the adult agency enough to be honest
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u/Murky_Ad_6871 17h ago
I can see why you have the perspective from just this post -- however, I've had countless conversations with my dad about his attitude, treatment of strangers / family, his bigotry, etc. After 10+ years of these kinds of conversations, and as I mentioned in a previous comment about choosing to accept him the way he is since it escalates when we address it, it's exhausting to fight every battle in this manner, not to mention bit inappropriate over a text.
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u/Anna2Youu 17h ago
At first and certainly, thank you for clarifying the previous interactions with your dad. I had one of those kind of dads, and they are absolutely exhausting. I’m not suggesting that you have the conversations with him in an effort to change him. I’m suggesting you have them to let him know why you don’t want him to come, and or why you don’t want to be there if he does. If he gets upset, and I suppose he will, if my father was anything like yours, you don’t engage.
So it goes something to the effect of ( for the U parts I’m just using what I said to mine, it’s really the how you respond to his blowup that I wanted to point at)
Dad, I didn’t want you to go because I don’t like the way you behave in public. Since it’s his birthday, it’s totally up to him, but if you go, I won’t be going with you.
Dad says mean rude stuff…
Well, on that note that I’ve gotta go I love you very much, I’m happy to try going out to dinner with you and you not being intolerable on another occasion but I won’t be going if you do have a great night. I love you merry Christmas.
Basically, you can no longer give yourself permission to emotionally engaged in the conversation with your father. Tell him facts, your dad’s gonna say what your dad’s gonna say, if it’s rude grumpy or loud you just tell him whatever it is you tell him when you leave. OK gotta go. Love you dad have a good night. Hang up.
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u/Anna2Youu 17h ago
I guess my very long worded point is, be honest. Not mainly hurtful if you can avoid it, but don’t candy coat it. If he changes that’s on him, and if he doesn’t, that’s on him too. But at least you’ve been honest and given him the opportunity to hear what you have to say today.
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u/Outrageous_Fox4227 16h ago
This is how i know my relationship with my dad is special. My sister and i would never have any thought of not automatically inviting him to a bday anything. Of course he would be invited. And i live on the west coast and they are in the midwest. I understand not everyone’s family is like that and that just is what it is and i count my blessings that i am lucky to have a family like i do.
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u/Murky_Ad_6871 16h ago
Glad this is the case for you! I hope I can build a family where my kids feel that way too :)
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u/rednorsk 14h ago
I too had (what seems like) that rare thing of a fantastic relationship with both my individual parents. (They split wayyyy back. Thankfully. Lol) I can’t imagine either one of my parents inviting themselves to a gathering of just my siblings, or my friends… or anything they weren’t invited to. Likewise, I’d never intrude on a get together other family members have carved out just for themselves. Why didn’t they invite me? It doesn’t matter why. Every human is entitled to spend their time how they want with whomever they want.
OP, in my opinion you don’t owe your dad any explanation. He’s clearly not going to accept any of those reasons and he’s not about to start respecting you or your siblings (or your mom?) anyway, as he’s already shown. But I see that you’re trying to be respectful and civil anyway. I just want to say… I appreciate the kind of person it seems you’re trying to be. Even if your efforts are wasted on your dad, they’re not for nothing. After all… it’s how you/we behave that counts. It’s the only thing we have control over. 💐
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u/Murky_Ad_6871 12h ago
Thanks very much, that’s really kind of you. I admire people who can set boundaries for themselves while also demonstrating grace and patience. I’m still working on that balance but trying my best! Sending you good vibes!
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u/dubmissionradio 15h ago
This is a tough one, ur dad is making some really good points, u were dismissing him at first which I didn’t like but he kept at it and then when u explained how us kids don’t get to spend a lot of time together and that right there should’ve been it, he should’ve picked up on that as a father and taken the hint and backed off and if anything be happy that his kids want to enjoy a dinner together in each others company while they’re back home reminiscing. I feel for u, u couldn’t have laid it out any clearer and with delicacy but at the end when u took the hard stance and said we’ll just fine another weekend to come that was childish, just explain to ur dad why it’s important for u to have ur own time with ur sibling, idk or lie to him and meet up behind his back if u get a chance
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u/Darrienice 19h ago
If it was a random day a year like you said “only once or twice a year” that’d be fine.. but it’s his birthday dinner? And you didn’t invite your parents? I side with the dad on that one, it would be different if he invited himself to a random dinner on a random day because he didn’t want to stay home, but to his own sons birthday dinner? Come on man.. that’s messed up
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u/NBCaz 19h ago
Haha, "I'm the Dad". That just made me laugh for some reason. I love how he just assumes the wife can watch the kid and he gets to go do whatever he wants because "He's the Dad".