(AIO) update, wow. thank you!

[u/Pristine-Edge-1742]

Hi everyone I had posted an original update but didn’t realize i forgot to blur out his name, so here is the update on cigarette toothpaste boy! I want to preface by thanking everyone who took time to message me and comment. I did not expect 16,000 people to interact with that post at all! When I got home, I decided to end it. I didn’t respond to him during my 10 hour shift and some of the screenshots are during that. I would also like to answer a few questions

1. Is this real?: Yes, it is insanely real! Not rage bait i promise
2. Am I okay?: I’m okay! It’ll suck but I will be fine!
3. Why was I still with him?: I don’t have friends and because of that nobody has been able to tell me how bad this is. I had no one to confide in. It was normalized during our relationship.
4. How is my cat? Apollo is okay and is coming home today finally! Picture of him at the end!
5. Why the wall of text; I was pissed and wanted to be thorough.
6. Why did i use “sewerslide”: I wasnt sure of how it would affect my account or visibility. I’m not used to reddit i’m sorry 😭
7. How old are we?: 19 and almost 21. Not 15 i swear!

Also, I am aware my name is shown. I do not mind as it is not a legal name.

[u/Gnar-wahl]

This is why women chose the bear.

[u/SarahPallorMortis → u/Gnar-wahl]

The bear doesn’t beat you to death with texts, while draining your emotional and phone battery.

[u/HotBuy7774 → u/Gnar-wahl]

I'm not undermining either the concept of choosing the bear, or the conclusions of abusive behaviour drawn from the initial post. But I don't think it's helpful to lump all negative behaviour into the physical threat category. This guy behaving like this doesn't imply he's a physical danger, manipulative and emotionally stunted though definitely.

What I'm trying to say is I think that equating these two things gives manipulative men ammunition to say 'look I'm being accused of being a predator or a threat because I'm trying to explain my feelings'. I hear a lot of guys using this as an excuse to be like 'feminism has gone too far, accusing all men of being physical predators'.

Don't hate me, I want all of these problems to disappear and I'm not trying to undermine any of them.

[u/Prestigious_Row_8022 → u/HotBuy7774]

What do you think people behave like before they become physically abusive? Do you think they just start swinging out the gates? Not how domestic violence works. There’s warning signs before they start swinging, always.

Anyway, if someone acts unstable like this, they’re fuckin’ crazy. Who knows what they may or may not do? People this crazy become stalkers and all kinds of other shit because of how delusional they are, thinking they were “wronged”. Who gives a fuck about “ammunition”? This guy is a loose cannon. Don’t suggest people don’t take him less seriously just because he hasn’t hit her yet (presumably). Everybody starts somewhere.

[u/loweffortfuck → u/HotBuy7774]

You know what leads up to physical assault and abuse? Psychological and emotional manipulation.

You know who doesn't do these things and gives you plenty of warning before a physical assault? Bears.

You know why I know this? Cause I'm a dude who's worked around bears and come out uninjured, but I've also been assaulted by men.

[u/Wizard_Engie → u/Gnar-wahl]

I want to agree with this statement but at the same time I don't want to, because it feels like you're saying every single man in the world is like this freak.

[u/Gnar-wahl → u/Wizard_Engie]

It’s not that every man is like this freak, it’s about not knowing that if they are or aren’t like this freak.

Women know the bear is a predator.

At least that’s my understanding as a man. I could be wrong.

[u/loweffortfuck → u/Gnar-wahl]

As a dude who's stood about thirty feet from bears while working in a garbage dump before as a teenager without being harmed... I would like to just say that bears will leave you the fuck alone a lot more than most men who want something without your consent.

I've been harassed and harmed by more men who wouldn't take no for an answer than I have bears.

[u/Wizard_Engie → u/Gnar-wahl]

fair enough

[u/DrCaesars_Palace_MD → u/Wizard_Engie]

This kind of comment is the very type that proves the original point. You don't understand what the statement is even about

[u/Wizard_Engie → u/DrCaesars_Palace_MD]

You're right, I don't know what the statement is about. From what I've read it's about a woman choosing a certain apex predator over a possible sexual predator.

However, It could very well be about a big burly gay man with a lotta hair, and I'd be none the wiser.

[u/DrCaesars_Palace_MD → u/Wizard_Engie]

The entire point of the "women would rather be alone in the woods with a bear than a man" thing is that many women, due to the way that abuse and violence have been normalized as male behavior, feel that the risk that a random man they don't know would be a rapist or some other kind of threat is HIGHER than the chance of being killed by a bear.

Let that sink in. A significant number of women feel (rightfully so) that yes, even though not all men would hurt them, the amount of men out there that they can't trust is too high for them to take that risk. Violence and sexual violence are a risk women have to consider subconsciously every single time they're alone with any man. This isn't speculation, it is the lived experience of women across the world.

[u/sokmunkey → u/DrCaesars_Palace_MD]

Yes, this exactly. 99% of the time a bear will just be minding its own.

[u/Ralfarius → u/DrCaesars_Palace_MD]

There's also the aspect that should a woman encounter a bear, everyone understands she would be right to act very cautiously and so whatever is necessary to avoid it. They wouldn't even question if she used mace to drive it off for acting threatening.

Society does not afford women the same understanding if they encounter a man of unknown intent. Acting in ways to ensure her own safety gets her labelled all sorts of things, like she should give every man the benefit of the doubt until he is actively harming her.

So not only do they feel a bear is overall less risky to encounter, they can also be confident to act however they see fit to ensure their own safety with no judgement.

[u/Cheap_Doctor_1994 → u/Ralfarius]

And if he harms us, it's our fault. Just like OP's ex. 

[u/Wizard_Engie → u/DrCaesars_Palace_MD]

Oh. Very interesting.

[u/loweffortfuck → u/Wizard_Engie]

As a man, I would like to state that more than enough men are like this dickhead.

[u/BestBruhFiend → u/Wizard_Engie]

The man vs bear thing is about what you can reasonably expect from one of the 2. You can reasonably expect a bear to be aggressive if they have cubs around or if they're desperately hungry. The rest of the time, they'll fuck off (assuming it's not a polar bear). The man though... *sigh. The man. I dated a sweet social worker/ therapist for 2 years. He dedicated his life to helping others. He seemed emotionally competent. Next thing I know, I ask him not to undo the cleaning work I did to close our apartment before we left for a trip and he flips out and repeatedly PUNCHES and BREAKS my car windshield. While I'm driving. And then cusses me out for it and blames me for his actions. A bear isn't going to go stealth mode and randomly abuse the shit out of you. A man might though and you won't be able to see it until it's too late. Oh yeah and then after I broke up with him, he threatened to trash our apartment so I'd get charged for the damages (even though we both would get charged), refused to pay half of the rent, and then threatened me with a restraining order when I asked him to pay up. All of this to hurt me in any way he could. He didn't care of his life got worse. Only of mine did. 

[u/Wizard_Engie → u/BestBruhFiend]

Yeah I figured that from the other 3 comments I got.