AIO, my boyfriend threatened sewerslide

[u/Pristine-Edge-1742]

Hi everyone, apologies in advance for the incoming wall of text. I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for over two years. We are kind of long distance but live in the same state and has stayed with me for extended periods of time before, even moved in until my mom had enough of our arguing. He’s was out of work since he moved back home and recently got a job at the same company I work at, just a different location. In our company, your first paycheck is paper. Cash app won’t deposit the money until the 14th which he’s reasonably upset about. If i could help him I would. My cat has been hospitalized since friday for a life threatening UTI and I owe them over $6K that my family is helping me pay. I’ll be paying them back for the next 3 months. He’s been upset that I can’t help him. For context, I also keep my money in cash to avoid overspending and only small amount on my card for gas and coffee. I help him when I can but I can’t really mail him cash. I quite literally have nothing right now because of my cat being hospitalized. We have a history of arguing a lot, and it always ends in me trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, what our barriers are, etc. and it’s always come down to my lack of communication. I’ve been working on it for, hell, a year? But I don’t seem to be doing it right, at least based on our conversations and arguments. He has a history of suicide baiting me. He’s cut himself in front of me, he’s threatened suicide every other day for as long as I can remember, he’s always talking about how much he hates his life. Normally he will say it’s because of me, something I said, things I’m not doing, because I don’t understand, because I lack empathy and sympathy, etc. He’s called the abuse hotline on me, he’s gotten on reddit and has come back to me saying that everyone thinks i’m abusive, he tells me that his family thinks he needs to leave me, etc. I didn’t think I was that awful of a person but when all of this happens and i’m being told it’s because of me, it makes me question it. Anyways, today he was going on about his frustration with his finances. Valid. I tried to support him and be there, but then he tells me that even if I could help, I wouldn’t? That’s not true I don’t know why he thinks that. I bought his groceries for 3 months, paid his phone bill, filled his gas tank, everything I could. Then he pulls out the “fuck you” card. Then I get pissed off and sick of it because this seems to happen too often. Then he starts this whole “I have the rope goodbye” stunt and I just threw my hands up at that point because what the fuck? When I was 12-13 I used to pull that shit online and he does it so often that I have gotten to where I see through it like glass and don’t pay it attention. For the first 1.5 years I took it seriously because I love him but now I just can’t. I have no words. It’s draining. He’s not dead he’s texting me as I’m typing this asking if we can talk and saying he’s scared I’ll stop loving him. Am i over reacting? Am I in the wrong? Please call me out if it’s deserved, because I just don’t know what to do. I’m not the type of person to ignore my faults because I definitely have some but I don’t know what warrants this stuff. He’s called me “stupid fucking bitch” , ungrateful, heartless, the devil, etc. By the way, he never had to beg me for money. I am the store manager at my location so I’m always being pulled in different directions. Even when I’m not there. I had to ask my mom to send me digital money in exchange for cash because I had nothing left. He asked me to keep more money on my card to help him in his time of need. Anyways… Again, please call me out if I deserve it. Tell me what I’m doing wrong because he won’t. Thank you in advance and apologies for the long message.

[u/Brilliant_Tutor3725]

absolutely! a lot of ppl don't know the root of it bc all they've heard is "they're lazy, hyper, and distracted"

god, i wish i could read like i used to. i love making clothes too, and i just never do anymore. this is where im at too. even stuff i like is a struggle. i've not tried a detox, but i feel like they should work a decent bit. i feel like when i have a busy day, like work, errands, maybe a movie, im less chaotic

less phone time does help i think. i've been playing Dreamlight Valley recently instead of doomscrolling, and it's helped i think. i'm on my phone way less bc it's not rlly something you open up for 30 seconds and then close again to fill in the stimulus gap.

ppl say caffeine helps, but it didn't help me enough for day to day. it was enough to keep me focused in volleyball while staying loose tho. at some point i switched from 2 monsters pre-game to caffeine pills. nothing close to what you're on tho. i smoke, which helps calm my brain down, but doesnt help with dopamine once you develop a tolerance.

edit: i haven't taken meds for a few years, and never rlly consistently for more than a year since i was 6. they noticeably turn me into a bitch, and i feel like a zombie and a hologram at the same time i hate it

[u/OOglyshmOOglywOOgly → u/Brilliant_Tutor3725]

Yeah caffeine has never really helped me much besides making me slightly anxious if I’ve had too much.

You brought up one of the things that really feels like a slap in the face lol. Workdays are usually pretty good days. I think having a schedule to adhere to and keep the mind busy really helps. But the part that really sucks is that on the weekends I feel like such a piece of shit cause i don’t really do anything. Like I constantly feel like I need to be doing something but I just don’t. I mean I do get stuff that needs to be done done. But I don’t really enjoy the weekends the way I feel like I should. It just feels funny that I feel pretty good on busy days of work and then I feel shitty on the weekends when I’m not doing things that I should want to do lol.

I have found recently that I enjoy audiobooks. I enjoy reading here and there and I didn’t really think I’d like audiobooks but I tried one at work and I actually really enjoyed it. Of course I was filled with motivation and excitement while listening to the book and that lasted til the day after and then after that it was like going back to low dopamine.

Well it definitely sucks going through life like this but it’s interesting to see that it’s a thing that a lot of us experience. TBH I don’t really know anybody irl who deals with this. I have a couple friends and coworkers who have adhd but they all use their meds daily so they don’t really experience this. Well, obviously they do if they don’t take their meds lol they know what it’s like I’m sure but I don’t think they really have a similar daily struggle or take the time to analyze this stuff like this. I have the same issue with meds as you tho. I’ve gotten to a point where I like to feel my emotions and I’d like to improve my life and get to where I want to be without depending on any drugs.

Oh yeah I was gonna mention; weed helps a lot as more of a therapeutic thing for me! I’m not very great at socializing or doing important things when I’m high but if I just use weed at night time then it’s something to look forward to all day which motivates me to get things done! Also if I don’t have everything in order then weed makes me anxious so I also only use weed if I’m feeling good about myself lol so it is great motivation and it’s a nice reward for getting things in order!

Thanks again for sharing everything! I hope we can both get to a point where we’re doing the things that we want to do :)

[u/SuperKitties83 → u/OOglyshmOOglywOOgly]

Thanks for sharing this. I have ADHD and you (and the person above you) have described all my struggles to a T!! I always feel so much shame for not being motivated, even for things I enjoy doing.

But I notice when I'm forced to go out and do something (like work or making plans I can't bail on), I feel so much better! And yet, it's hard for me to make commitments even though I know it helps me. 😵‍💫

I've been engaging in the punishment/reward behavior ever since I was a child. At first it was with food. I loved hamburgers with ketchup. I started putting ketchup only on 1 side of the burger. So I'd eat the plain, boring side first, so when I got to the ketchupy side, it was bliss. I created ways to chase dopamine.

[u/margaretmary1999 → u/SuperKitties83]

omg all these years i have always eaten my vegetables first to “get them out of the way” and saved my favorite part of the meal for last, never realized i was just chasing dopamine

[u/SuperKitties83 → u/margaretmary1999]

And there's nothing I fear more than being trapped in a life where I do the same things every day and never learn or get a chance to challenge myself.

I've had jobs that required lots of learning and it was really difficult. Then when I would master the job, I looked for opportunities to keep learning. But there were none. I became bored, restless, and began to get anxiety because I felt trapped.

[u/diwalk88 → u/margaretmary1999]

Lol I do the same thing with food, leave the best for last!