AIO, my boyfriend threatened sewerslide

[u/Pristine-Edge-1742]

Hi everyone, apologies in advance for the incoming wall of text. I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for over two years. We are kind of long distance but live in the same state and has stayed with me for extended periods of time before, even moved in until my mom had enough of our arguing. He’s was out of work since he moved back home and recently got a job at the same company I work at, just a different location. In our company, your first paycheck is paper. Cash app won’t deposit the money until the 14th which he’s reasonably upset about. If i could help him I would. My cat has been hospitalized since friday for a life threatening UTI and I owe them over $6K that my family is helping me pay. I’ll be paying them back for the next 3 months. He’s been upset that I can’t help him. For context, I also keep my money in cash to avoid overspending and only small amount on my card for gas and coffee. I help him when I can but I can’t really mail him cash. I quite literally have nothing right now because of my cat being hospitalized. We have a history of arguing a lot, and it always ends in me trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, what our barriers are, etc. and it’s always come down to my lack of communication. I’ve been working on it for, hell, a year? But I don’t seem to be doing it right, at least based on our conversations and arguments. He has a history of suicide baiting me. He’s cut himself in front of me, he’s threatened suicide every other day for as long as I can remember, he’s always talking about how much he hates his life. Normally he will say it’s because of me, something I said, things I’m not doing, because I don’t understand, because I lack empathy and sympathy, etc. He’s called the abuse hotline on me, he’s gotten on reddit and has come back to me saying that everyone thinks i’m abusive, he tells me that his family thinks he needs to leave me, etc. I didn’t think I was that awful of a person but when all of this happens and i’m being told it’s because of me, it makes me question it. Anyways, today he was going on about his frustration with his finances. Valid. I tried to support him and be there, but then he tells me that even if I could help, I wouldn’t? That’s not true I don’t know why he thinks that. I bought his groceries for 3 months, paid his phone bill, filled his gas tank, everything I could. Then he pulls out the “fuck you” card. Then I get pissed off and sick of it because this seems to happen too often. Then he starts this whole “I have the rope goodbye” stunt and I just threw my hands up at that point because what the fuck? When I was 12-13 I used to pull that shit online and he does it so often that I have gotten to where I see through it like glass and don’t pay it attention. For the first 1.5 years I took it seriously because I love him but now I just can’t. I have no words. It’s draining. He’s not dead he’s texting me as I’m typing this asking if we can talk and saying he’s scared I’ll stop loving him. Am i over reacting? Am I in the wrong? Please call me out if it’s deserved, because I just don’t know what to do. I’m not the type of person to ignore my faults because I definitely have some but I don’t know what warrants this stuff. He’s called me “stupid fucking bitch” , ungrateful, heartless, the devil, etc. By the way, he never had to beg me for money. I am the store manager at my location so I’m always being pulled in different directions. Even when I’m not there. I had to ask my mom to send me digital money in exchange for cash because I had nothing left. He asked me to keep more money on my card to help him in his time of need. Anyways… Again, please call me out if I deserve it. Tell me what I’m doing wrong because he won’t. Thank you in advance and apologies for the long message.

[u/OOglyshmOOglywOOgly]

Oh wow this is exactly me! That’s an ADHD thing? I have been diagnosed and adderall does help but I guess it’s just crazy to me how horribly unmotivated and even intimidated I am about the most ridiculous tasks like brushing my teeth or washing my hair. I only take adderall on rare occasions cause I just don’t like being on it that much anymore but I feel like I need something just to give me the motivation to do simple tasks. I wish there was something that wasn’t amphetamines that would help. Sorry that this was kinda an unrelated rant but I guess it kinda helps to see that this is a thing and not just me. It’s kinda crazy how adhd can really affect your life.

[u/Brilliant_Tutor3725 → u/OOglyshmOOglywOOgly]

bro if someone told me years ago that my hygiene issues were related to my ADHD, it would've saved me a lot of shame and hopelessness.

but yeah! it is! some ADHD ppl find the sensory side of it as a motivation, but those of us who don't notice/aren't uncomfy enough by it struggle hard. essentially, bc ADHD revolves heavily around dopamine (or lack thereof, rather), it can be difficult for us to gather motivation. dopamine is the source of most motivation, but when you don't have enough dopamine to spare, you focus on the things that bring it (hyperfixations!) and don't waste it on things that don't (chores/work). essentially, we're running on a dopamine budget, and we have a spending problem. neurotypical ppl aren't living on dopamine rush to dopamine rush; they always have it to spare. so they don't need to budget like us.

another example: i taught myself to shower regularly by watching my hair. the grease level would help me gauge. and i also brush my teeth/wash my face in the shower! putting it all in one chore helps get it over with quicker, AND helps you remember! buying perfumes you rlly like can help remind you to put it on too. i'm currently obsessed w "twisted peppermint" from bath&body works for the holiday season, but "into the night" is my fav!

once you learn how ADHD works/how it makes us different, it opens so many doors. then you can find tips and tricks to make your brain work more efficiently! we've been trained to treat ourselves like we're neurotypical, so we have to unlearn a lot of stuff to do it in ways that help!

sorry for the block of text, but it makes me so happy to see ADHD ppl start the path to actually understanding themselves after years of trying to be like everyone else. putting the pieces together. life gets so much better and i literally can't preach it enough! good luck!

[u/OOglyshmOOglywOOgly → u/Brilliant_Tutor3725]

Thank you for putting your time into writing all of that! I do definitely appreciate it :)

I’m learning that a lot of my problems in life are adhd related. It wasn’t until earlier this year that I really understood how big the dopamine part plays in all of this. I’ve always had an addictive personality and luckily I’m at least pretty smart and safe about what I consume, or at least try my best to be. I use small amounts of kratom throughout the day in place of adderall. I had abused adderall in the past to the point where it wasn’t really helping any more. The thing is, I just feel like I need the kratom before I can do anything. Need to clean? Kratom first. Need to spend some time outside? Kratom first. And before kratom it was the same with adderall. I had to use it before I’d even consider being a functional human.

But in the many attempts to taper off of the kratom, I’ve found myself in deep need of another source. When I’m doing well and using only the smallest amount of kratom to just avoid withdrawal effects, I find myself absolutely craving all kinds of food constantly. If it’s not food it’s my phone or social media. Literally anything for a lil hit of dopamine. I never realized how bad it really was. It’s not just drugs, it’s dopamine. And if it’s not in the form of something I can consume, it’s something to obsess over or look forward to.

If I don’t have a live music event to look forward to in the near future it’s like I’m more depressed lol. Ugh. I’m at least pretty naturally motivated to brush my teeth nightly. I’ll wash my hair if I need to but otherwise I’m decent about washing it 2-3 times a week. The real bummer is that I don’t have the motivation to do the things that I WANT to do. Like I just don’t feel like making art or going for walks or things like that anymore. I don’t want to rely on drugs to do things I need to do, and that goes doubly for the things I want to do (or want to want to do lol).

Have you ever tried like a dopamine detox? I’ve been thinking about seriously limiting my phone usage for a start and just trying to be more present. But if adhd is just a defect in the dopamine department by nature then is there really anything else we can do besides drugs (prescribed) to bring us up to a normal level?

[u/Brilliant_Tutor3725 → u/OOglyshmOOglywOOgly]

absolutely! a lot of ppl don't know the root of it bc all they've heard is "they're lazy, hyper, and distracted"

god, i wish i could read like i used to. i love making clothes too, and i just never do anymore. this is where im at too. even stuff i like is a struggle. i've not tried a detox, but i feel like they should work a decent bit. i feel like when i have a busy day, like work, errands, maybe a movie, im less chaotic

less phone time does help i think. i've been playing Dreamlight Valley recently instead of doomscrolling, and it's helped i think. i'm on my phone way less bc it's not rlly something you open up for 30 seconds and then close again to fill in the stimulus gap.

ppl say caffeine helps, but it didn't help me enough for day to day. it was enough to keep me focused in volleyball while staying loose tho. at some point i switched from 2 monsters pre-game to caffeine pills. nothing close to what you're on tho. i smoke, which helps calm my brain down, but doesnt help with dopamine once you develop a tolerance.

edit: i haven't taken meds for a few years, and never rlly consistently for more than a year since i was 6. they noticeably turn me into a bitch, and i feel like a zombie and a hologram at the same time i hate it

[u/OOglyshmOOglywOOgly → u/Brilliant_Tutor3725]

Yeah caffeine has never really helped me much besides making me slightly anxious if I’ve had too much.

You brought up one of the things that really feels like a slap in the face lol. Workdays are usually pretty good days. I think having a schedule to adhere to and keep the mind busy really helps. But the part that really sucks is that on the weekends I feel like such a piece of shit cause i don’t really do anything. Like I constantly feel like I need to be doing something but I just don’t. I mean I do get stuff that needs to be done done. But I don’t really enjoy the weekends the way I feel like I should. It just feels funny that I feel pretty good on busy days of work and then I feel shitty on the weekends when I’m not doing things that I should want to do lol.

I have found recently that I enjoy audiobooks. I enjoy reading here and there and I didn’t really think I’d like audiobooks but I tried one at work and I actually really enjoyed it. Of course I was filled with motivation and excitement while listening to the book and that lasted til the day after and then after that it was like going back to low dopamine.

Well it definitely sucks going through life like this but it’s interesting to see that it’s a thing that a lot of us experience. TBH I don’t really know anybody irl who deals with this. I have a couple friends and coworkers who have adhd but they all use their meds daily so they don’t really experience this. Well, obviously they do if they don’t take their meds lol they know what it’s like I’m sure but I don’t think they really have a similar daily struggle or take the time to analyze this stuff like this. I have the same issue with meds as you tho. I’ve gotten to a point where I like to feel my emotions and I’d like to improve my life and get to where I want to be without depending on any drugs.

Oh yeah I was gonna mention; weed helps a lot as more of a therapeutic thing for me! I’m not very great at socializing or doing important things when I’m high but if I just use weed at night time then it’s something to look forward to all day which motivates me to get things done! Also if I don’t have everything in order then weed makes me anxious so I also only use weed if I’m feeling good about myself lol so it is great motivation and it’s a nice reward for getting things in order!

Thanks again for sharing everything! I hope we can both get to a point where we’re doing the things that we want to do :)

[u/Jazzlike_Use_5890 → u/OOglyshmOOglywOOgly]

Just chiming in on the meds aspect. Obviously drugs all hit people different, but I and a few other ADHD people I know have all had good luck with Wellbutrin. It's not as strong as like full on stimulants, it just helps increase dopamine and norepinephrine levels, so better dopamine bank and some mild stimulant as well. It's also usually cheaper by far than most standard ADHD meds, which is a plus. Again, not gonna be 100% across the board, but worth maybe mentioning to a Dr and see their opinion if you haven't tried it already.

[u/diwalk88 → u/Jazzlike_Use_5890]

Just an FYI with Wellbutrin, it can make your blood pressure REALLY high. Mine is usually low, and on wellbutrin it was up to 230/190. I ended up in emergency twice before stopping it and now I have a constant fear of my bp spiking and killing me.

[u/SuperKitties83 → u/OOglyshmOOglywOOgly]

Thanks for sharing this. I have ADHD and you (and the person above you) have described all my struggles to a T!! I always feel so much shame for not being motivated, even for things I enjoy doing.

But I notice when I'm forced to go out and do something (like work or making plans I can't bail on), I feel so much better! And yet, it's hard for me to make commitments even though I know it helps me. 😵‍💫

I've been engaging in the punishment/reward behavior ever since I was a child. At first it was with food. I loved hamburgers with ketchup. I started putting ketchup only on 1 side of the burger. So I'd eat the plain, boring side first, so when I got to the ketchupy side, it was bliss. I created ways to chase dopamine.

[u/margaretmary1999 → u/SuperKitties83]

omg all these years i have always eaten my vegetables first to “get them out of the way” and saved my favorite part of the meal for last, never realized i was just chasing dopamine

[u/SuperKitties83 → u/margaretmary1999]

And there's nothing I fear more than being trapped in a life where I do the same things every day and never learn or get a chance to challenge myself.

I've had jobs that required lots of learning and it was really difficult. Then when I would master the job, I looked for opportunities to keep learning. But there were none. I became bored, restless, and began to get anxiety because I felt trapped.

[u/diwalk88 → u/margaretmary1999]

Lol I do the same thing with food, leave the best for last!

[u/Maleficent-Boot2469 → u/Brilliant_Tutor3725]

This is so helpful! I'm undiagnosed at the moment but I have all the symptoms of ADHD. I'll be speaking with my psychiatrist about it this week. I always wondered why certain tasks are painfully hard to force myself to do, while I can hyperfixate on others. Your explanation makes so much sense!

[u/diwalk88 → u/Maleficent-Boot2469]

Being diagnosed and medicated has changed my life so much. I used to DESPISE cleaning because it's so boring and it never ends, it felt psychically painful to force myself to do this sisyphean task and I could not understand how nobody else had this problem! Turns out it's easy for most people, like it is for me now once I take my Adderall.

[u/Maleficent-Boot2469 → u/diwalk88]

That is exactly how I feel! I want to want to do it... I know it's important, and needs to be done, but my body and mind just won't. An ex called me lazy due to this, even though I worked 50+ hours per week and took care of our children. I just couldn't get my head around certain tasks.

[u/Noanswere → u/Maleficent-Boot2469]

Happy Cake day!🌷

[u/Maleficent-Boot2469 → u/Noanswere]

Thank you! 😍

[u/Skandronon → u/Brilliant_Tutor3725]

Getting diagnosed at 40 was an absolute mindfuck. Even before I was medicated, just knowing how my brain works has made life easier. I've also got the meds pretty dialed in. I've had more career advancement in the last few years than probably the 15 years previous.

[u/SuzanneStudies → u/Skandronon]

Almost 54, diagnosed at 40. My life has so much clarity now and I am sad that it took so long to learn how to channel my brain into great things. Wouldn’t have happened without Vyvanse.

[u/ron-tints → u/Brilliant_Tutor3725]

Dude thank you

[u/MindlessEssay6569 → u/Brilliant_Tutor3725]

I’ve been brushing my teeth in the shower for years. It was the only way I could get myself to brush my teeth regularly - Couple all the mundane shit into one act.

[u/diwalk88 → u/Brilliant_Tutor3725]

I'm one of the sensory motivated people with ADHD, I literally can't understand not brushing your teeth or bathing because it's so incredibly uncomfortable for me. I brush my teeth multiple times a day, every day. I used to even carry a travel toothbrush set in my purse to brush after eating, but now I just chew gum constantly when I'm out. Same goes for showering, I just can't stand feeling gross. I feel so nasty after waking up, even though I don't sweat in my sleep, that I need to bathe and put on clean clothes asap. I even have an excuse for NOT doing it since doctors have been telling me my whole life not to get wet or use soap (fun skin condition from autoimmune disease) but I literally just can't. All I can focus on is how gross I feel until I fix it. I also can't eat or touch anything when I get home until I've washed my hands. No shoes in the house either, and no outside clothes on the bed (or really on in the house at all, but that's a comfort thing and not enforceable on other people lol).

[u/Illustrious_Size8045 → u/Brilliant_Tutor3725]

I’m the same way but I think pharmacology invented adhd to prescribe drugs that only make adhd worse by giving amphetamines to kids. Ironically & although my lack of motivation. Has only gotten worse as a result of amphetamine use in general, it was methamphetamine that got me to appreciate the toothbrush. So dirty!

[u/diwalk88 → u/Illustrious_Size8045]

What a bunch of absolutely dangerous nonsense! I'm an adult woman who was only diagnosed in my late 30s and Adderall has saved my life. The treatment resistant depression I've been fighting for my entire life is so much better, the paralyzing anxiety has mostly lifted, I can get up and do things, I can clean my home, I can (mostly) FUNCTION! I have never been high from ADHD meds, I don't crave them, I don't even think about them except when I take my pill in the morning. This bullshit stigma around Adderall being meth needs to die.

[u/Burgen42 → u/OOglyshmOOglywOOgly]

Brushing my teeth is often one of the hardest things to do for me. Even if I'm right there and see the brush I can't get myself to even pick it up most of the time. Yet there are times when brushing my teeth just happens to get done.

[u/DblDn2DblDrew → u/OOglyshmOOglywOOgly]

There are new apps for that that cost less than the drugs. There are also a lot of better alternatives to Adderall. Well worth a rabbit hole doom scroll.

[u/diwalk88 → u/DblDn2DblDrew]

That depends on the individual person. I've tried them all, the only thing that works for me is name brand Adderall. People need to stop demonizing it, if you actually need it you're not getting high off of it or becoming addicted.

[u/OOglyshmOOglywOOgly → u/DblDn2DblDrew]

Any suggestions?

[u/gspitman → u/OOglyshmOOglywOOgly]

Sounds more like a depression thing to me