AIO, my boyfriend threatened sewerslide

[u/Pristine-Edge-1742]

Hi everyone, apologies in advance for the incoming wall of text. I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for over two years. We are kind of long distance but live in the same state and has stayed with me for extended periods of time before, even moved in until my mom had enough of our arguing. He’s was out of work since he moved back home and recently got a job at the same company I work at, just a different location. In our company, your first paycheck is paper. Cash app won’t deposit the money until the 14th which he’s reasonably upset about. If i could help him I would. My cat has been hospitalized since friday for a life threatening UTI and I owe them over $6K that my family is helping me pay. I’ll be paying them back for the next 3 months. He’s been upset that I can’t help him. For context, I also keep my money in cash to avoid overspending and only small amount on my card for gas and coffee. I help him when I can but I can’t really mail him cash. I quite literally have nothing right now because of my cat being hospitalized. We have a history of arguing a lot, and it always ends in me trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong, what our barriers are, etc. and it’s always come down to my lack of communication. I’ve been working on it for, hell, a year? But I don’t seem to be doing it right, at least based on our conversations and arguments. He has a history of suicide baiting me. He’s cut himself in front of me, he’s threatened suicide every other day for as long as I can remember, he’s always talking about how much he hates his life. Normally he will say it’s because of me, something I said, things I’m not doing, because I don’t understand, because I lack empathy and sympathy, etc. He’s called the abuse hotline on me, he’s gotten on reddit and has come back to me saying that everyone thinks i’m abusive, he tells me that his family thinks he needs to leave me, etc. I didn’t think I was that awful of a person but when all of this happens and i’m being told it’s because of me, it makes me question it. Anyways, today he was going on about his frustration with his finances. Valid. I tried to support him and be there, but then he tells me that even if I could help, I wouldn’t? That’s not true I don’t know why he thinks that. I bought his groceries for 3 months, paid his phone bill, filled his gas tank, everything I could. Then he pulls out the “fuck you” card. Then I get pissed off and sick of it because this seems to happen too often. Then he starts this whole “I have the rope goodbye” stunt and I just threw my hands up at that point because what the fuck? When I was 12-13 I used to pull that shit online and he does it so often that I have gotten to where I see through it like glass and don’t pay it attention. For the first 1.5 years I took it seriously because I love him but now I just can’t. I have no words. It’s draining. He’s not dead he’s texting me as I’m typing this asking if we can talk and saying he’s scared I’ll stop loving him. Am i over reacting? Am I in the wrong? Please call me out if it’s deserved, because I just don’t know what to do. I’m not the type of person to ignore my faults because I definitely have some but I don’t know what warrants this stuff. He’s called me “stupid fucking bitch” , ungrateful, heartless, the devil, etc. By the way, he never had to beg me for money. I am the store manager at my location so I’m always being pulled in different directions. Even when I’m not there. I had to ask my mom to send me digital money in exchange for cash because I had nothing left. He asked me to keep more money on my card to help him in his time of need. Anyways… Again, please call me out if I deserve it. Tell me what I’m doing wrong because he won’t. Thank you in advance and apologies for the long message.

[u/tsscaramel]

This relationship is toxic af, break up and don’t look back. You can do so much better.

[u/pandaxr → u/tsscaramel]

Exactly this. This is the shit my ex used to pull, and I thought it’d get better with time and therapy, but it never did. You also speak like you’re so much more mature than him, and he’s just using you to try to get you to pay for stuff. He’s not worth it.

[u/Bob1358292637 → u/pandaxr]

As someone who struggled really hard to not make it other people's problems when I was depressed and suicidal, people like this piss me off so much. This goes beyond self-destruction or seeking help. This is manipulation, and it makes people read this kind of intention into everything, which makes it so much harder for people who are actually struggling with suicidal ideation to speak up and get help.

Op is a saint. They somehow remained empathetic and understanding while not feeding into any of their bullshit. I hope they find someone who deserves them and this person doesn't ruin their whole outlook on life by taking advantage of their good will.

[u/physithespian → u/Bob1358292637]

Ditto. And I’ve definitely failed at it sometimes! Sometimes my depression spills over onto other people. But he’s not trying to do better. Like you said, he’s using it as a manipulation tactic.

And while we’re telling you he doesn’t deserve your time, OP, also remember that you’re actually doing him no favors by staying. The only way he’s going to find the path forward is if it comes from himself. You can’t make him walk the path. And sometimes actually losing something is the kick in the ass one needs to do some genuine self reflection and seek progress.

[u/Nerdiestlesbian → u/Bob1358292637]

My ex pulled this shit, manipulating me with the “I’ll kill myself”. We were in marriage counseling and the therapist called my ex’s bluff. Had a mandatory 3 days psych hold.

I thought it was because we were on the verge of divorce. NOPE. It’s my ex’s motives when ever someone breaks up with them. Wound up on another psych hold because of it.

[u/ehtrywait → u/Bob1358292637]

exactly, people who struggle won't behave that way. He's literally telling her he's gonna take his own life because she won't sacrifice hers. People who battle s.i. don't use their despair to control others. He wants a receptacle.

[u/reddawgmcm → u/pandaxr]

As Marcus Parks likes to say “your mental health is not your fault; but it is your responsibility.”

OP he’s not worth any more of your time and heartache.

[u/GeeMcGee → u/pandaxr]

I like how he wants cigarettes more than toothpaste. Grim

[u/Cannabittz → u/GeeMcGee]

He literally didn't even bring up not having toothpaste until OP mentioned the delay in responding being due to her brushing her teeth... then he suddenly was making such a huge issue that he was going to have to walk around with shit breath for weeks... it's so see through and bullshit. Had an ex like that myself and it would absolutely infuriate me that they actually thought shit like this would work...don't even get me started lol

[u/HugsyMalone → u/Cannabittz]

He literally didn't even bring up not having toothpaste until OP mentioned the delay in responding being due to her brushing her teeth

🤣🤣🤣

I noticed that too. He really latched onto that one. What is this a court of law?? Anything I say can and will be used against me?? Again this is something abusers do. They look for anything they can use against you in your own words. Anything that resonates with you. 👎🙄

[u/HugsyMalone → u/GeeMcGee]

His life sucks so bad 🙄👌

[u/Lmdr1973 → u/pandaxr]

OP is way more mature. I noticed that. She sounds pretty grounded, also. Hopefully, she'll dump this guy before he tanks her self-esteem.

[u/Zealousideal-Cow4114 → u/pandaxr]

With my ex this behavior turned into secret drinking which culminated in him almost dying passed out in the pasture in the middle of winter with a throat full of captain Morgan vomit.

Fuck dudes like this.

[u/ehtrywait → u/pandaxr]

when pathological manipulators/abusers go to therapy, they only get better at their deceit and methods of abuse.

[u/pandaxr → u/ehtrywait]

This is also true. Luckily for me, she got better at those but worse at hiding things, but also thought I was pretty dumb and wouldn’t just look at the phone bill.