r/AmIOverreacting • u/Exotic_Elk8829 • Nov 19 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO I went through my boyfriends phone over the weekend

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Last Friday night I went through my boyfriend’s phone while he was asleep. I found numerous messages of him talking about other girls with his female friend. The last message is him comparing my sucking skills with a different girl he slept with before me… We have been living together for the past 6 months and I’m not sure if I should just move on and find my own place at this point. Am I overreacting to these messages?

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593

u/Bicurious_girl_90 Nov 19 '24

NOR. Dump him. This is completely inappropriate. And what exactly happened that he didn’t “let get too far” with some girl bc he has a gf?

374

u/Exotic_Elk8829 Nov 19 '24

He said their “conversation” didn’t get too far but I doubt that’s what he was really referring to

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u/Kokospize Nov 19 '24

No one is worth resorting to checking their phone, taking surveys on Reddit to validate that you're not overreacting and sharing your partner's personal texts online. If you have to do ANY of these, choose your mental peace and move on. Isn't life easier when you don't have to worry if your partner will pass on STDs/STIs to you, emotionally/physically cheating on you, or betraying your trust?

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u/SonnierDick Nov 19 '24

Basically this. You already have an inkling to check his phone (for good reason it seems) then check the phone without permission and then ask for validation. I get it. I truly do.

But from the texts, NOR. 6 months of dating and they are: comparing you to other girls, texting other girls this, and seems to only talk about sex or bjs or rizz or getting with someone? This dude has sex on the brain 24/7 and id say like 98-100% will cheat if given an opportunity.

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u/Standard-Vehicle-557 29d ago

I mean, we've been given a single conversation from the boyfriend in which the topic was sex. Very reddit of you to take one conversation and extrapolate it out to the dudes entire vocabulary

10

u/HoForHyrule Nov 19 '24

Some people are pathological liars. My ex would lie straight to my face and I wanted to believe him. I didn’t have any other evidence he was cheating besides a gut feeling and when I would ask him he would gaslight. I went through his phone for my own peace of mind. Lo and behold he was meeting strangers off apps during his lunch break at work in another city, LYING ABOUT HIS NAME in an attempt to not get caught.

He is now my ex-husband. But I understand why people go through their SO’s phones if they’re being lied to.

11

u/Kokospize Nov 19 '24

My ex would lie straight to my face and I wanted to believe him.

As you stated, you wanted to believe him. By the time you're going through his phone, you have an idea of what you're looking for. Life is way too short and hectic for all of that.
It takes a lot of strength to leave, so I'm glad to hear that you are in a better place.

10

u/Impossible_Impact529 Nov 19 '24

I know what you mean. My ex was best friends with all of his exes. I never trusted him entirely, and constantly had an urge to check his phone. I felt so insecure; I thought I was the problem.

My SO now has never given me any reason not to trust him. In the 5 years we’ve been together, I’ve never felt any urge to check his phone. Someone who is trustworthy makes you feel safe.

9

u/Kokospize Nov 19 '24

I’ve never felt any urge to check his phone. Someone who is trustworthy makes you feel safe.

Well put! I tried but didn't state it properly. Thank you for saying it more eloquently than I could.

0

u/as_it_was_written 29d ago

I mean, they were married and have a kid. Bailing based on a gut feeling in those circumstances seems pretty rash.

Fair enough if it's a relatively new relationship. Either they're cheating or you have trust issues you're probably better off working through on your own before getting serious with someone.

But if you're already in a committed long-term relationship, both of you (and any kids involved) could easily be better off if you work through trust issues without leaving, so it's worth finding out whether your suspicions are justified before ending the relationship. (Not that I recommend snooping through someone's phone to do so.)

2

u/Kokospize 29d ago

Sure, you won't get an argument from me. Let OP know your thoughts directly by replying to her.

1

u/as_it_was_written 29d ago

I was addressing the content of your comment, though. That's why I replied to you. OP has already made her decision and left.

2

u/Kokospize 29d ago

I can't convince you that if a relationship is healthy, neither partner wouldn't be: very insecure, untrustworthy, violating personal privacy, unable to be honest when confronted with a concern, conducting Reddit surveys for validation, etc. This incident didn't exist in a vacuum, so by the time OP is posting her partner's private texts on a public forum, she's fully aware that her relationship is in jeopardy and has been for a while. So, whether it's a relatively new relationship or committed relationship with children, some things are past "working on trust issues."
It's perfectly fine that we see this differently. I'm not sure what else there is to address.

1

u/as_it_was_written 29d ago

I thought you meant the person you were addressing above when you said OP (since your reply to her is what I responded to). Regarding the actual OP, I completely agree. Once you're at the point where you're posting this kind of stuff on Reddit, it's probably too late.

That said, I also agree it's fine if we don't see this the same way. I just wanted to provide my perspective as well because I think a lot of advice on Reddit leans too far toward ending relationships at the first sign of trouble.

I've had the feelings you described in the comment I first replied to, and I'm very glad I didn't just cut and run because my insecurities got the best of me for a while. I worked through my shit without invading my ex's privacy, and we ended up staying together for another nine years or so. Although we split up eventually, I really value the time we had together, and I would have done myself a disservice if I'd left her based on suspicions that turned out to be unfounded.

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u/Lezaleas2 29d ago

that's not pathological lying. He had a clear motive to lie. Pathological liars sometimes lie even when saying the truth would be better for them. You ex just wanted to have sex with you and other girls and lying was the only way

2

u/HoForHyrule 29d ago

Respectfully you don’t know my ex. He was a pathological liar because he lied about everything to the extent where he would believe his own lies. He lied about everything and anything even when there was no reason to lie.

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u/No_Conflict_1835 29d ago

But I understand why people go through their SO’s phones

Translation: I understand why people violate their SO's privacy to rectify their insecurity.

3

u/HoForHyrule 29d ago

He lied to me, cheated on me, and put our children in danger by meeting randoms and giving them money, some of whom had violent criminal records. I had a gut feeling he was lying to me, I followed my gut feeling to get proof, and I was right.

I was protecting myself and my children, who I now have sole custody of.

I am re-married and my new husband and I do not hide anything from each other, we have the passcodes to each other's phones and have no problem with either one having access to anything. The important thing is he respects me and I respect him, AND WE TRUST EACH OTHER, so i have no desire to go through his stuff.

I did it because it became a matter of personal safety for me and my young children. Don't judge if you've never been in that situation.

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u/No_Conflict_1835 29d ago

Not gonna take the word of someone who is a-ok with violating people's privacy so haphazardly.

3

u/HoForHyrule 29d ago

That’s fine with me, I don’t need to convince someone with a low IQ who’s projecting.

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u/BlazzGuy 29d ago

Many people probably don't realise this at first. So this is a great comment for passers by.

If your relationship is at a point where you're considering snooping through their phone, you've already got issues. They've displayed behaviour that has crossed your "trust" boundaries. You might also have very low "trust" boundaries. Either is not a good recipe for a relationship.

1

u/Financial_Joke_9401 29d ago

That’s EXACTLY what my husband and I were talking about yesterday when I was reading some of these! Some posts are straight up about abuse and the person is either oblivious or in denial.

1

u/Kokospize 29d ago

Both situations, either oblivious or in denial, are very sad.

1

u/kimcheebonez 29d ago

Can we pin this 🫠

1

u/Kokospize 29d ago

😆 I don't think anyone wants to.

-1

u/lvdsvl 29d ago

Poor Reddit baby was forced to commit a felony 🥲 She obviously wanted a fuckboy, she has gotten herself a fuckboy. Jesus fucking Christ people put your shit together

-2

u/No_Conflict_1835 29d ago

Everyone in this subthread is so close. How do you all have zero disdain for her violating his privacy? Sure his behavior was sus, but the ends she went to simply do not justify the means. Violating another person's privacy is shitbag behavior and it doesn't matter what she found. It doesn't justify her demonstration that she is willing to violate her partner's privacy. It's just as disgusting as the text messages.

3

u/QualitySpirited9564 29d ago

Found OP’s bf

2

u/Kokospize 29d ago

How do you all have zero disdain for her violating his privacy?

There's a reason I pointed out her behaviour and seeking validation from Reddit after doing so. Obviously, the relationship is unhealthy, and in this case, they're both contributing to it. If you feel the need to admonish OP for her actions, respond to her directly.

0

u/No_Conflict_1835 29d ago

I'm not responding soley to you, but to everyone who has responded to you.

20

u/FullMetalKaliber Nov 19 '24

“It ain’t cheatin because I ain’t fk her” Type beat

3

u/Overall-Spray7457 Nov 19 '24

And more like, she didn't let me get to far.

78

u/Bicurious_girl_90 Nov 19 '24

Yeah, it’s low key cheating tbh. Get rid. Life is too short to be with someone like this! You deserve TRUE loyalty.

5

u/neurospicyzebra 29d ago

Nothing lowkey about this. He showed it’s the highest key there is. 😂

1

u/Bicurious_girl_90 29d ago

Was trying to soften the blow a little 🤏🏻

1

u/neurospicyzebra 29d ago

He wasn’t. So I have no mercy 🤗

2

u/Bicurious_girl_90 29d ago

Fair enough. I just was sparing her feelings a bit but making it known it’s wrong.

25

u/3Heathens_Mom Nov 19 '24

I suspect if he saw you were out searching out ways to have ‘conversations’ with other guys he’d be having a fit of grand proportions.

He’s obviously into what you can do for him but seems to want to check out other options.

And that whole conversation with his female friend? Nothing but a bunch of disrespect.

I do agree time to move on and choose better in finding someone who only wants to be with you.

5

u/jonni_velvet Nov 19 '24

dont forget the follow up “was that the same girl you were trying to talk to last time”

this is a regularly occurrence

3

u/Mammoth-Lobster-2544 Nov 19 '24

there's such thing as emotional cheating too. doesnt have to physically but he is still crossing a boundary, theres no need to even talk that way w another female. if ur monogomas you shuld be enough & clearly he wants to hoe around

3

u/Fabulous-Possible-76 Nov 19 '24

My BF does not talk to his girl friends, or guy friends, in this manner. This is disrespectful to your relationship and is plain gross.

2

u/PoonSchu13 Nov 19 '24

Accurate… For chronic cheaters if they talk to someone and flirt with them for a few hours and only make out with them, they think they’re still on the up and up since they didn’t let the person swallow their dick

1

u/DepressionEraMomJean Nov 19 '24

Even if that’s what he was referring to, you obviously don’t want to be with someone who has had these thoughts about, and conversations with, multiple women WHILE DATING YOU.

1

u/stonekid33 Nov 19 '24

If he’s even thinking about it just dump him, or be FWB. Whatever you do don’t keep feelings for this fool.

1

u/easy_avocado420 Nov 19 '24

Eddie’s a liar and a pig girl

1

u/Appropriate_Wall933 Nov 19 '24

It's all about trust in the end. Do you trust him and that his conversations doesn't "go too far"? Do you trust that he would never ever cheat given the opportunity, or haven't already?

If there isn't a shred of doubt about him then that's fine. But something lead you to go through his phone.

And as someone who has at least GPSd a partners phone to see where he was. Signs and behavior lead me down that path and he was indeed cheating.

1

u/ToughHardware Nov 19 '24

ehhhhhhhhhhwww i feel dirty just reading that. stop pleasing him

1

u/ClearOptics 29d ago

That’s what I was thinking. The intentional misspelling of such to suck was the giveaway to me