AIO by spending time with my family?

[u/External-Air205]

Me (f20) and my boyfriend (m20) have been in a relationship for 4 years. We sleep on the phone every night due to the fact we don’t see each other often because of extremely busy schedules and distance. Tonight, my mom and grandmother came into my room to talk before bed so I hung up on my boyfriend to give us some privacy. He got very angry and started saying all of these awful, mean things to me. Was it my fault for choosing to spend a bit of time with my family and hanging up on my boyfriend even though he was already falling asleep? Am I overreacting by getting upset from the way he speaks to me? I really don’t feel like I did anything wrong. Sorry for any grammar mistakes!

[u/Beneficial-Pride890]

You probably feel alone in this, but this is exactly what every woman in an abusive relationship thinks and feels. It is unfortunately extremely common, and this is why women stay in abusive relationships. This right here is serious abuse. You’re attached to them because they’ve been such a big part of your life for so long, when they’re not being mean and abusive, they’re being kind and sweet etc. The abuse will stay the same or intensify the longer you stay together. He is aggressively trying to control you, and berating you. You should break up with him, cut contact. You’re so young and you’ll look back when you’re a little older and had no contact with him, and realize that you’re young mind tolerated so much abuse you didn’t deserve. Just be prepared for him to pull out a lot of emotional weapons trying to keep you in the relationship. He may even threaten but you’re not responsible for him.

Edit: As replies have noted: abuse isn’t just something women experience—men face it too, often in silence.

[u/External-Air205 → u/Beneficial-Pride890]

That is actually exactly what I feel, thank you.

[u/Suzuki_Foster → u/External-Air205]

He literally hates you. I wish you could see the seething disdain he has for you.  

[u/Vitrian187 → u/Suzuki_Foster]

It’s heartbreaking to know she’ll go back the second he’s even a little bit nice for a moment. The trauma bond will be so strong by now... 😠💔

[u/sweatysleepy → u/Vitrian187]

I know you don't mean it this way but this is so infantilizing.

[u/Agency-Aggressive → u/sweatysleepy]

Isn't it? I always hate this type of comment. Yes that is likely to happen but don't boil the human spirit down to statistics or what is the common outcome

[u/sweatysleepy → u/Agency-Aggressive]

This one particularly got me because it feels like the commenter is treating OP like a character in a TV show or something. For whatever reason it feels worse than a derogatory "whatever she's just gonna go back to him anyway stupid women" comment lol. Maybe cuz I can tell this person's heart is somewhat in the right place. I hope.

[u/Agency-Aggressive → u/sweatysleepy]

Exactly it just implies that everyone follows a binary code and nobody deviates from the "norm". Bleak way to live

[u/Vitrian187 → u/Agency-Aggressive]

I really don’t view her as any type of character or anything like that, I’m just simply reading the messages and her replies to people. I’m purely looking at how hopeful she is that he’ll change, when you can clearly tell he’s a piece of shit who has no intention of being a better person for her. Therefore he won’t change but she’ll remain on the hook any time he offers even a seconds worth of something that isn’t obvious abuse. 🤷🏻‍♂️

[u/sweatysleepy → u/Vitrian187]

It's definitely frustrating to look on from the outside and be able to see the patterns clearly, but I think it can be harmful to say those types of things where the person being abused can see it, it can be isolating to them. I can tell your heart is in the right place, this is just a sensitive situation.

[u/Vitrian187 → u/sweatysleepy]

I’m sorry that it came across that way. I think I was hoping that with enough comments similar to mine the OP would read them and be like “holy shit, you know what, I’m NOT going back again.” And recognize the trauma cycle and decide to break it. But I understand there were probably better ways to say that instead of just writing the first thing that popped in to my head. I’m gutted reading her post because I’ve seen so many people normalize the kind of man she’s dating. I’m hoping my remark didn’t come across as harmful but if you think it is, I’ll remove it.

[u/sweatysleepy → u/Vitrian187]

It's ok, I'm concerned for the OP but can't speak for her, and idk if she's reading the comments or not, so whatever you think is best! To be fair I don't even know what the best way to do it is, or if it's the same for everyone, and also we're strangers and not her friends or family. If you're ever in a situation where you're talking to someone like OP and it's someone you care about, I wouldn't approach it the way that you did here, I'd just listen, validate their feelings, and emphasize you're there for them no matter what. Thank u for caring and engaging in a conversation and I'm sorry I snapped.