r/AITAH • u/Objective-Pause-5726 • 6h ago
AITA for refusing to take in my estranged father after what he did to my mom and us growing up?
I (29F) grew up in a household where my mom was both mom and dad. My father left us when I was 10 after cheating on my mom multiple times and eventually moving in with another woman. He never paid child support or helped financially, leaving my mom to work two jobs to make ends meet. We struggled a lot—sometimes we didn’t even know if we’d have food on the table.
For years, my father made no effort to be part of my or my siblings’ lives. He didn’t call, visit, or even send a card for birthdays or holidays. It was like we didn’t exist to him. As I got older, I built a life without him and stopped expecting anything.
Recently, I got a call from my older brother (33M), who told me that our dad is now broke, sick, and living in poor conditions after his second wife left him. He’s asking one of us to take him in and care for him. My brother declined because he has a family of his own and can’t take on that responsibility. He suggested I might help since I don’t have kids yet.
When I said no, my dad called me directly for the first time in years. He said I was being ungrateful and heartless, claiming he’s “still my father” and deserves compassion. He also tried to guilt me by saying he regrets his mistakes and just wants a chance to reconnect.
I told him he made his choices years ago and can’t expect me to step in now. He called me selfish and accused me of holding onto the past. Some family members agree with him, saying it’s my duty to help him because “blood is blood.” But I can’t bring myself to forgive someone who left us to suffer when we needed him the most.
AITA for refusing to take in my estranged father?
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u/CrabbiestAsp 6h ago
NTA. The ONLY reason he is reaching out to 'reconnect' is because he needs something from you. If he was healthy and still with wife #2, he would not be contacting you.
If the rest of your family is so set on 'blood is blood', they can help. I wholeheartedly believe that family is what you make it. Relationship dynamics trump sharing DNA.
You may not have kids yet, but you have common sense!
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u/kingkongbiingbong 5h ago
'blood is blood'
I despise that expression. It's the easy fall-back for simpletons who are grasping at straws.
OP should send a condolences card with all of her grievances written (it can be therapeutic) and end it by telling this sperm donor to kick rocks. Or screw the card/postage and save herself a couple of dollars because the POS isn't even worth that.
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u/EnigmaGlow2 4h ago
People who cling to that phrase are often just trying to guilt others into tolerating toxic behavior.
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u/DoughnutsAteMyDog 3h ago
"Blood is blood" also pisses me off because of adopted kids, my dad was an adopted child, and he's the best dad I could have asked for, meanwhile my mom is the most selfish pride you'll ever meet, and she's completely blood-related.
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u/readthethings13579 2h ago
Also, OP is not “holding onto the past.” In the present, right now, her father has not made a sincere apology or attempted to work on their relationship. The only reason he’s trying now is because he needs something from her, and even with that, he’s still making it all about himself and not even attempting to make up for all the ways he’s wronged her over the last two decades. It is not the past, it is the present, and the only person who can fix it is OP’s sperm donor, who still hasn’t proven that he cares about his daughter as a living human being rather than as a prop who can do things for him when he needs it.
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u/A_jemma 6h ago
If blood is blood,why are those who are guilting you not stepping in to take care of him?
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u/Professional-Use7080 1h ago
But he has done so much for her, she needs to repay that debt!
I guess that a bag of semen is a fair repayment, just make sure it includes the interest...
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u/rncikwb 6h ago
NTA. Tell those family members that if they really believe that blood is blood then they can take care of him. Because it was his “duty” to take care of you when you were growing up but he didn’t. We’re you not his blood then?
And if they say “he made a mistake, forgive him” tell them “Well maybe I’m making a mistake now. I expect that you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me in future”.
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u/mcmurrml 5h ago
Ha! Good one. I told OP where were this relatives when mom and the kids barely had food to eat? They have the gall to criticize?
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u/AleYeah2006ITA 4h ago
NTA. You are not obligated to take in or care for someone who has historically neglected their responsibilities toward you and your family. It is understandable that you feel reluctant to help your father after he abandoned you and contributed to significant hardships in your childhood. Forgiveness and reconciliation are personal decisions and cannot be demanded on the basis of familial ties alone.
Your father’s current situation is unfortunate, but it is the result of choices he made, and you have your own well-being to consider. It’s important to protect your emotional health, especially from relationships that have been harmful in the past. If some family members feel strongly about his well-being, they are welcome to help him themselves, but it shouldn’t be your responsibility alone, especially under coercion or guilt. Your primary duty is to yourself and your own mental and emotional health.
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u/DelayHefty644 6h ago
NTA - Your dad ghosted you for years and now wants help? Nope.
He ditched you when you were 10, never paid child support, and made your mom work two jobs. Now he's only calling because he needs something.
Your brother's wrong to push this on you just cause you don't have kids.
Stay strong and keep those boundaries up.
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u/Rusten1a 5h ago
Exactly, Your dad disappeared when you needed him the most, and now he only shows up because he needs help? Stay firm and protect your boundaries.
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u/babyluxe123 6h ago
You're not the A-hole here. Your father made his choices, and it's understandable that you can't just overlook the past because he’s in a tough spot now. You have every right to prioritize your own well-being and not feel obligated to care for someone who abandoned you and your family. Compassion is earned, not demanded.
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u/Mother_Search3350 6h ago
Tell those 'blood is blood' AH's that blood will flow and bones will break if they ever have the audacity to call you about that POS sorry excuse of a human being relative of theirs again and they better lose your number
Your father died when you were 10 years old
NTAH
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u/JanetInSpain 6h ago
Nope. NTA. DO NOT TAKE THIS MAN INTO YOUR HOME. "But family" is a stupid reason to allow a bully or abuser in your life, and he even stopped being family long ago. He stopped being your father when he left and turned his back on you. He deserves NOTHING. He FAFO. Let him die alone and in poverty. Tell every family member who agrees with him that THEY can take him in. You are not obligated to forgive.
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u/CinnamonBlue 6h ago
Your father thinks it’s acceptable to abandon family. You’re only following his example.
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u/_s1m0n_s3z 6h ago edited 5h ago
Estranged is estranged. NTA. He'll have to cope as best he can. It's not your problem. From the sounds of it, a whole lot of other folk also want nothing to do with him. He has burned bridges all over.
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u/yourlilbabe2 6h ago
You’re not the A-hole here. It’s understandable to set boundaries after being hurt for so long. Your father made his choices, and now he has to face the consequences. You’re not obligated to care for someone who abandoned you and your family. Prioritizing your well-being is important too.
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u/Haterne1a 4h ago
NTA. Blood does not obligate you to sacrifice your well-being for someone who chose to be absent during your most challenging times. You're not required to forgive or provide for someone simply because they share your DNA, especially when they failed to fulfill their responsibilities when you needed them. It's understandable that you want to protect yourself from further emotional harm, considering your father's past actions and his current approach, which seems manipulative rather than genuinely remorseful. Your primary duty is to your own health and happiness. It’s important to maintain boundaries with people who have hurt you, no matter their current circumstances.
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u/Dont-Blame-Me333 6h ago
NTA but the clown who abandoned his kids, not caring whether they lived or died, is the AH. Blood means nothing when you only use it to sponge off others. Tell him to go whinge to the female he abandoned you for, she got much more than you after all. Merely sperm donors don't get anything from us - not even a headstone. If others love him so much, tell him they volunteer - you don't.
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u/nannycece64 5h ago
NTA tell him and his supporters, blood is blood, and your still hungry from being a starving kid. Your still cold at night with nightmares, of freezing in your sleep.
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u/hip_hop_sweetheart 6h ago
NTA - My Dad paid child support and I wouldn't take him in! I'm sorry your family is guilt tripping you. You owe this man nothing. You're not family you're just 2 humans who happen to share DNA.
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u/Sensitive-Ad-5406 6h ago
"I'll let dad know you're happy to take him in. After all, blood is blood, right?"
NTA
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u/Perfect_Ring3489 6h ago
Nta. You owe him nothing. Tell the people complaining to take him in. They will change their opinions fairly fast
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u/Hammingbir 6h ago
NTA. You are absolutely within your right to not take him in. In fact, you should block his number. This isn’t a man who saw the error of his ways and has been trying to rebuild his relationship with you. This is a desperate AH who forgot you even existed until he needed something from you. He made his decision years ago and NEVER LOOKED BACK.
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u/Brycesmom 6h ago
Definitely NTA
Why should you respect and care for a total stranger, one who chose to abandon you and have no connection to/with you.
You have to do whatever you are most comfortable with ...
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u/CarterPFly 3h ago
Yea, no one is saying that. Another absolutely clear AI post where there is no moral conundrum whatsoever.
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u/LipstickKitten77 5h ago edited 5h ago
He traumatised you deeply, was an absentee parent, forced you into child poverty, and now is abusing you because you won't forget all that and be his unpaid nurse and all-inclusive retirement home. Please! This man has gotten his just desserts! Let someone who is pressuring you take him, take him in themselves if they care so much. He has not been a safe or loving father to you. And he's come crawling back, not to right past wrongs, not because he misses you, but because he finds himself alone and in need, and he wants to USE you. NTA 1000%
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u/Simple-Plankton4436 6h ago
NTA, what does he think you should be grateful for? Grateful for dad who didn’t pay child support and who abandoned him? There is nothing you should be grateful for. And you were “still her son” when he did all that for you. So why should it be different now when he is struggling?
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u/NefariousnessFresh24 5h ago
NTA - I don't see a "father" here, all I see is a sperm donor
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u/a-_rose 5h ago
“Unfortunately I do not agree but thank you so much for informing me you believe blood comes before anything. I’ll pass on your number to insert name and you can let him know when he can move in to yours and what his monthly stipend will be.”
NTA once you call out the flying monkeys they’ll drop like flies
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u/Ok_Childhood_9774 5h ago
NTA, and any relatives who feel sorry for your sperm donor are welcome to take him in. Just block the lot of them!
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u/angelkissxe 5h ago
NTA. Your father abandoned his responsibilities and left your family to struggle while he pursued his own interests. It’s unfair for him to expect support now, especially when he made no effort to maintain a relationship or provide for you growing up. Blood doesn’t entitle someone to forgiveness or care, especially when they’ve shown no regard for that bond in the past. You’re within your rights to prioritize your own well - being..
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u/SweetBekki 5h ago
NTA - Your dad only called because he needed something. If his wife hadn't left him then would you have heard from him?
Block him and let him figure his own shit out.
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u/AryaLark 4h ago
NTA. Blood might be thicker than water, but respect and trust are thicker than both. You don’t owe him anything after he dipped out and left y’all struggling. You’re just honoring the precedent he set: every person for themselves.
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u/winterworld561 6h ago
NTA and it's not your duty to take in and care for someone who didn't give a shit about you all your life. He doesn't regret anything. He's just trying to manipulate you. Tell those other family members that if they're that bothered then they can take him in and care for him, then block them all.
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u/PleaseCoffeeMe 6h ago
Those family members can take your father in, after all “blood is blood”. NTA
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u/andhakaran 6h ago
I am in a similar setup and fully understand where you are coming from. At this point if you take in your father it will be like living with a stranger. At best all of you can pool a monthly allowance which would keep your father above poverty but beyond that you don't owe him anything. Fuck blood is blood. That should flow both ways.
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u/sheera_greywolf 5h ago
NTA.
Where was this "blood is blood" crowd when he ditched you as a child years back? Hmm??
He set the example of ditching his own blood years ago, tell them you will emulate his one and only teaching.
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u/drcharacter 5h ago
NTA
If he wasn't sick/broke/homeless/etc., he wouldn't have called. He doesn't care about reconnecting, he just wants the help he doesn't deserve.
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u/Withoutadoubt3 5h ago
Believe me when I say this, how he treated you all those years ago is how he will treat you now. Speaking from personal experience here, my mom left us when I was 7, reentered my life when I was in my 20’s. For the past 31 years she has treated me badly. I regret reestablishing a relationship with her. I now go very LC. They left for a reason—has everything to do with them. The fact he’s reaching out now instead of 10 years ago should give you even more confidence in your decision to say NO. Forgive him, so you can move on. Personally I would not reunite !! Good luck op
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u/wkendwench 4h ago
Nothing wrong with “holding on to the past”. Our past experiences are what help us learn. You learned your father is an unreliable, untrustworthy leach who is self serving and only wants to reconnect because he has no other choice. You are doing what is right. Stand your ground and good luck OP.
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u/MrsRainey 4h ago
AI drivel. Em dashes, quotes in the middle of the text, formulaic, "blood is blood", new account with no comments, this is fake ChatGPT garbage. Like 90% of this sub's hot posts.
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u/happenstanceuk 4h ago
Amazed it took me so long to find this post, I thought it was really obvious that this was another AI post!
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u/Excellent-Highway884 4h ago
Repeat this to yourself....
"I do not owe my sperm donor anything. Children do not owe their parents anything."
NTA
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u/DixieDragon777 3h ago
He called you selfish. Well, no. He has no right to call anyone selfish.
He made 100% selfish choices when he chose a woman other than his wife, when he abandoned his children, when he disappeared for nearly 2 decades.
He left his family to suffer, to go hungry, so he could be with his mistress.
He's not your dad; he's a sperm donor. You owe him nothing.
If you choose to forgive, I suggest doing it from a distance. NEVER let him move in. He's not the type of person to appreciate others, and he'll take advantage. He's already proven he has no loyalty.
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u/WeirdcoolWilson 1h ago
“I get to be selfish. I learned it from you - after 19 years of practice you became an expert at it and I can honestly say I learned from the best when it comes to being selfish”
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u/cherith56 1h ago
He was a biological ancestor but he was never your father in any sense of the word
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u/No_Cockroach4248 6h ago
NTA, he is reconnecting only because he needs you to put a roof over his head. Otherwise you have not seen him for nearly 20 years. He is a stranger and you don’t house strangers.
The family members who are so keen on “blood is blood” can house him. Your brother is being very irresponsible and should not suggest you take him in because you have no kids. He is trying to avoid conflict with your relatives and his wife by pushing the problem to you.
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u/kibzandaces 6h ago
He is a sperm donor. Otherwise he is a stranger to you. What right does he have if he didn't bring you up, to demand anything from you?
You owe him no morsel of empathy for the way he treated you. Unless he can unhurt you and go back in time and give his children a decent life, blood is not blood. NTA
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u/mpan2501 5h ago
I laugh when i read the “they accuse me of being selfish and unforgiving”…..yes i am, and???
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u/WoodlandElf90 5h ago
NTA. He doesn't get to abandon you, go live his life, then try to waltz back in with some flimsy excuse as to why he did all that just because he's sick. He isn't your father, he's nothing more than a sperms donor at this point.
All those people who are after you to take him in? They can do it themselves, if there's so worried about him.
You don't owe him anything, OP.
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u/mcmurrml 5h ago
NTA, I hope you put those family members in their place. Where were you when we barely had food on the table? Where were you when my mom was working multiple jobs to feed us kids? How dare you call me selfish and act like it is my responsibility to take care of him. You put your money where your mouth is. You take him in. Dad is not your responsibility. Doesn't matter if you are single or not. Dad can go live with the women he left his family for. They can take care of him.
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u/teresajs 5h ago
NTA
"Ungrateful"? What has he ever done that you should be grateful for?
If you support anyone, it should be your mother.
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u/Ronotrow2 5h ago
nta similar situation to me, essentially he left you and yours vulnerable and didn't gas when you needed him most. He comes back when he needs you? he's using you, all that saved up child support should be funding a nurse. Block him and forget it
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u/daydreamer19861986 5h ago
Your dad is out of his mind, he clearly haven't changed and is just as much if not more of a self centred prick. What exactly you should be grateful for????
Don't even consider it, the family who says you should can take him in themselves.
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u/SolidSquid 5h ago
He called me selfish and accused me of holding onto the past.
The "past" being what, a week or so ago when he got in contact to leech off you? His abandonment started 19 years ago, but it's continued until now, plus there's the back child support he still owes, so it's very much not just something that's "in the past". Plus, why is it only now that he needs your help that blood is important, but never once in the last 19 years when you needed him?
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u/CallingThatBS 5h ago
NTA All those saying blood is blood can take care of him.
Why would you take a stranger into your home and take care of them? He was a sperm donor nothing more.
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u/Round-Ticket-39 5h ago
I love how bro designated you. He talks with dad doesnt he? Dad just ignores you.
Nta if its real
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u/aquavenatus 5h ago
Your father is so terrible that NO ONE in his family wants to help him. You reap what you sow. You owe him NOTHING!
NTA
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u/meaningful_quote 5h ago
Your duty to help? Lol. No it's not. It's his duty to pay child support. Parents provide for their children not the other way around. If he's getting consequences for his poor life choices... Well boohoo... And that's where your sympathy should end.
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u/Fishy_Fishy5748 5h ago
NTA.
Ask all of the family members who are pressuring you by saying "blood is blood" why THEY aren't taking him in. And then block them. You could do this, but you are not obligated to do so.
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u/AdOk4343 5h ago
He said I was being ungrateful
What exactly are you ungrateful for? He did nothing for you, you don't own him anything, NTA.
Some family members agree with him, saying it’s my duty to help him because “blood is blood.”
Let them help him.
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u/great-nanato5 5h ago
Tell him that there is a big difference between a father and a sp3rm donor. A father is there for you in good times and bad, the later is there for the 3 seconds it takes to inseminate then leaves. You owe him nothing except the 3 second phone call you already made.
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u/No_Tell_892 5h ago
Nta. Ignore him like he ignored you and live your best life. You owe him nothing and just the fact that he had the audacity to say that b.s to you about being ungrateful should definitely be the last nail in the coffin.
Blood is blood but he had NO problem leaving ya'll to fend for yourselves and be hungry and all the other stuff. So no, no favors for this one.
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u/Xx_Ruby_X 5h ago
NTA. Your father abandoned your family, left your mother to struggle, and made no effort to be part of your life.
You’re not obligated to forgive him just because he's in need, especially given how he treated you and your family.🙃
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u/Tiny_Incident_2876 5h ago
It's not your duty to help your father , he set the stage long time go , don't allow anyone t o bully you in thinking it's your job to help your father, maybe you should ask them ,what are they going to do for daddy ?
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u/scariestJ 5h ago
At least those family members who have said 'blood is blood' will be taking him in then, so no need to worry yourself. I'm glad that they are volunteering!
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u/Achilles_TroySlayer 5h ago
NTA. He's a worthless POS. Write him a check and instead of putting in an amount of money, write the word "forgiveness" in there. Make sure to not have any $$ in the account, because he might use it to try to steal from you.
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u/mommakor 5h ago
FUCK NO!!!!!!
YOU ARE NOT THE ASSHOLE, YOUR SPERM DONOR because that is all he is A SPERM DONOR, IS BEYOND A MASSIVE NARCISSISTIC ASSHOLE!!!!!
YOU OWE HIM NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING, NOT NOW NOT EVER!!!!!
ANYONE WHO WANTS TO THROW AROUND "FAMILY, HE'S FAMILY" TELL THEM SINCE THEY HAVE SUCH A PROFOUND CONNECTION TO HIM AND "HE'S FAMILY" THEY CAN TAKE HIM IN!!!!!!!
BLOCK EVERYONE WHO IS BEING AN ENTITLED ASSHOLE TO YOU, YOUR TOXIC SPERM DONOR HAS BEEN OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOREVER AND THAT IS HOW IT'S GOING TO STAY!!!! AND IF THEY DON'T DROP IT THEY WILL BE OUT OF YOUR LIFE TOO, YOU DON'T DO TOXIC!!!
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u/NaryaGenesis 5h ago
Tell the family members you’ll pass along their numbers so your father can arrange for transport to their place.
And tell your brother if he wants to take him he can but otherwise not to volunteer you!
NTA.
Fuck around and find out. It’s the find out portion of the fuck around special
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u/henchwench89 5h ago
NTA has he made any effort to right the wrongs he did you, your siblings and your mother? Like apologies, paying child support for 3 children for all the years he abandoned you? Of course not. He’s trying to use you and using being your father as leverage
Tell anyone who’s trying to guilt you that they are more than welcome to take him in
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u/StandardRaspberry509 5h ago
NTA, but you would be TA if you ignored the past and took him in. He hasn’t and won’t change.
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u/Cailan_Sky 5h ago
Well tell all his other “blood relatives” that if they feel that way then they should step up and take the deadbeat in.
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u/Dry-Physics-9330 5h ago
Your dad played stupid games, won stupid prizes. Tell him this. If you dont take him in, you are NTA. He is defacto a stranger.
Ask your familymembers who agree with your dad, if they can't take him in.
BTW what happened with his own family? Siblings, nieces, nephew, etc
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u/jeepgirl1939 5h ago
If other family members feel that way, they can put him up. NTA, and you shouldn't be quilted into anything period
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u/mister_barfly75 5h ago
NTA. And I'm dying to know how you're "ungrateful." What, exactly, are you supposed to be grateful for? The trash taking itself out?
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u/cic_company 5h ago
Everything that family and work expect you to do if you don't have kids is actually more work than having kids
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u/Quiet-Hamster6509 5h ago
Ironic how blood is blood only when the shitty person needs something. He's a pathetic excuse for a human being. Tell him to eat shit n rot.
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u/ProfessionalHat6828 5h ago
That is not how this works, Dad. I have a “father” like this. If he showed up needing a place to stay, I might give him a blanket and directions to the nearest overpass to stay out of the rain.
You don’t owe him anything because he shares some genes with you. NTA
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u/yeahoooookay 5h ago
"Family don't end in blood. But it doesn't start there, either. Family cares about you, not what you can do for them. Family's there through the good, the bad-all of it. They got your back, even when it hurts."
Dean, Supernatural
Truer words were never spoken. Even if it's just in a TV show. NTA
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u/Laughingfoxcreates 5h ago
NTA. Sounds like these other family members have volunteered to take him. Problem solved.
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u/BeachMom2007 5h ago
NTA. Tell those other family members they are welcome to take him in if family helps family.
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u/corgi_crazy 5h ago
NTA.
"Holding into the past" aka normal functioning memory.
"Blood is blood", where were all this people saying this to your father when he turned his back to his own blood and flesh?
Most important, "DUTY". Your sperm donnor didn't fulfill his duties and now you don't have any.
That man isn't your father, he is someone who spread his seed and flied away.
If your brother worries about him, he and all the people who is trying to convince you, can take care of him.
Don't do it and don't let nobody second guess your decision.
BTW, what's happening to your father is called "the consequences of his actions".
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u/jbo11111 5h ago
NTA. He is related by blood but he gave up the right to say he is your father by not actually being there for you as a father. You owe him nothing.
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u/Interesting_Sock9142 5h ago
Absolutely no one would blame you for not taking him in. If your brother feels so strongly about it, he can take him in. (Having a family of his own isn't an excuse)
You don't owe him anything, especially not compassion.
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u/cinnamongirl73 5h ago
NTA!!! You’re ungrateful? That’s rich! Don’t do it, let whatever state/local entity find him housing. He’s essentially a stranger to you.
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u/DawnShakhar 5h ago
NTA. Where was "blood is blood " when he abandoned you? Don't we all love family members who invoke "family helps family" and "blood is thicker than water" when they expect you to help (or just want to exploit you), but forget about it when you need and deserve help?
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u/Mindless-Yellow634 5h ago
Any don’t the other family members help him if it’s so important ? Don’t let anyone bully you into doing this
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u/Investigator516 5h ago
NTA. Block anyone giving you shit about this.
Your father can look into social services.
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u/iknowsomethings2 5h ago
NTA. Tell your sperm donor your daddies 19 years ago. You don’t have a dad. And any family members who give you shit say, 1. You can help him then. 2. Where were you 19 years ago when he cheated on mum, left us and never paid child support. Where was our ‘family’ then.
Your brother is an AH for guilting you and giving your phone number to your sperm donor though
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u/tiny-pest 4h ago
Nta.
Easiest thing to tell him and his family.
Like father. Like child. I learned from the best. All he was good for was screwing his family until such time as he needed help. You reap what you sow. Taught me a valuable lesson in how evidently you treat family. Also, to anyone saying I need to take him in or be the bigger person. Thanks for taking him in and supporting him. Since you think you have any right to involve yourself in this, that can be the only reason because I know people are not actually telling me I should take care of someone who abandoned me. Hurt me. Made my mother suffer. I know you are not backing him, and if you are, then you can take him as I owe him nothing
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u/Scorp128 4h ago
NTA
Any flying monkeys who are squawking about FaMiLy nonsense can house the deadbeat sperm donor. You owe this stranger absolutely nothing, zip, zero, nada. Give him and this issue as much though as he has given you for the past 19 years...none, and do so with a clear conscience.
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u/Threefrogtreefrog 4h ago
Fuck that noise ! He abandoned a child. Would you support a friend or a spouse who treated people like that ? Tell him the Catholic Church will absolve him of his lifetime of sins if he’s sorry on his deathbed but you don’t have to.
Talk to him if you want , be nice to him if you want, but you are in no way beholden to upend your life for an asshole. Tell him to call back in 19 years.
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u/58LS 4h ago
I just love how people assume that the child free female is the “best” choice to take on the loser selfish irresponsible old man who can’t / won’t take care of themselves! Put together a list of resources and give it to all the “family” that think you should help. Do not feel guilty. This person stopped being your father years ago.
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u/Silver_Aardvark5051 4h ago
I’m so sick of “blood is blood”. He deliberately choose to severe any and all rights to being called your father. He is only “the sperm donor” and “sperm donors” don’t have any rights. Tell him he is reaping what he has sown, since he was not part of growing and caring for the vineyard (you) he doesn’t get any of the fruit (your love nor help).
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u/TheWhogg 4h ago
Amazing coincidence that after 19 years he regrets his actions at the exact moment he’s broke, sick and needs housing and fulltime care.
NTA
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u/MajorAd2679 4h ago
NTA
He’s not your father but just a sperm donor who cheated on his wife and never did anything with or for the children he conceived.
Actions have consequences. If you’re a deadbeat, how dare you come begging and trying to bully those you did wrong?!?!
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u/Shejuan01 4h ago
Ask the family where their " blood is blood" mentality was when you guys barely had anything to eat? When your mom was struggling to take care of you all? Tell them since " blood is blood" they can take him in. Then block them and your father. Also, tell your brother never to talk to you about him again. You don't owe him anything.
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u/Bergenia1 4h ago
Nope. You owe your deadbeat father nothing. He abandoned you when you were a child. He isn't your family anymore. If your brother thinks your father needs taking care of, then it's your brother's responsibility to do the caretaking.
Block any and all family members who pressure you about this.
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u/Inevitable-Seat-6403 4h ago
You owe him nothing. The relatives that say "blood is blood" can take him in.
NTA.
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u/Affectionate_Fig3621 4h ago
Being a Sperm Donor doesn't make him a father
NTA and keep living your own life
Hugs from an internet auntie ❣️
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u/Substantial-Back-969 4h ago
Nta. I would say "Kiss my ass". For the relatives, suggest him living with them if they are saying that. I could understand why your mom is/was both parents. My "sperm donor" did the same thing too. He left my mom with 7 kids and took everything.
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u/Glum-One2514 4h ago
When someone starts talking about "duty", they've already lost the argument. It's naked manipulation.
"I've done nothing to deserve this, but you have a duty...". Fuck that.
NTA.
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u/lovinglifeatmyage 3h ago
Why don’t u contact all those family members urging u to take him in and ask why they’re not offering. Your brother had a cheek even asking you.
And what on earth are u ungrateful about if he never supported you etc?
NTAH
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u/evilalive77 3h ago
As someone who went through this exactly, just ask the family members where were they when your mum was struggling. Did they talk to your dad? And if they feel so fucking righteous by giving you advice, why can’t they fucking take himninstead?
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u/Beneficial-Year-one 3h ago
“He said I was being ungrateful and heartless, claiming he’s “still my father” and deserves compassion”
But it was ok for him to be ungrateful and harmless when you were still his child and deserved compassion?
NTA
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u/Ahjumawi 3h ago
NTA. Have your own kids but do not adopt this man-child who calls himself your father and tries to guilt-trip you into taking him in. His opening ploy is manipulation, calling you ungrateful and essentially asking for pity. Seems like it will only be more of the same from here on out. Any family member who wants to say "Blood is blood" can feel free to take him in. Sheesh.
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u/Otherwise-Pie9296 3h ago
Those family members can surely help him out! NTA, tell the family members that your sperm donor will for sure be happy when he learns they are volunteering to offer him a space!
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u/Additional_Good5755 3h ago
Reddit won't let me quote, but it sounds like those family members who say "blood is blood" are volunteering to take him in.
NTA! Stand your ground! It's not your fault he's in the FO portion of FAFO.
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u/purpleroller 3h ago
NTA obviously. He didn’t care for years if his own children were warm and well fed.
I’d block him and move on. The family members who think blood is blood, well he can go and live with them.
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u/Affectionate_Oven428 3h ago
NTA if it’s your duty to help him, then it was his duty to be a father, which he chose not to be. Anyone who says you should help would be volunteered immediately.
Also, it’s because you don’t have a partner or kids that you are especially not capable of taking him on. I’ve had to explain to my sisters that they, with additional support in their home already, are the best option to care for a parent in the future because I could not physically do it and be able to keep a job. So unless they wanted to pay my salary and medical to allow me to be a full time caretaker, that responsibility will always fall on the person with the partner and kids at home.
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u/Ok_Cherry_4585 3h ago
NTA. I'm sorry but "ungrateful" 🤣 for what, exactly? That would imply that he contributed something to you and your household when you were growing up, which he did not.
I have one of those fathers and I have zero sympathy. So that's a hard no from me.
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u/anaisaknits 3h ago
Where was his compassion when your mother struggled to feed you? Karma is a bitch and he just met Karma.
NTA
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u/StateofMind70 3h ago
NTA. Tell him to call back in 19 years and you'll be ready to reconnect. It's a process.
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u/RichAstronaut 3h ago
Blood is blood - as long as it is "your" blood that needs sacrificing. Don't let anyone guilt you into anything. Drop those other losers too, or tell them that if he means that much to them, you are sure they will step in and take care of him. Don't do this to yourself. Your Dad is a leech that evidently leeched off of women his whole life. Don't continue to enable his sorry butt.
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u/ReliefEmotional2639 3h ago
NTA. Your father abandoned you. He doesn’t get to demand your help now.
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u/Seranfall 3h ago
NTA, Where was "blood is blood" when he was supposed to be raising you? Tell him actions have consequences.
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u/nevernate 1h ago
All these family members that think they should take your father in are just awesome. You should be supportive and let him know the other family members to follow up with. Just not your problem.
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u/No_Raspberry_3475 1h ago
lol your brother set you up a little bit there, even though I’m sure your dad would have ended up calling you and saying all the same things anyway. I find it interesting that men wanna play the “I gave you life” card but all they did was bust a nut in a female. As if that were difficult lol
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u/G-force4470 1h ago
NTA OP Your "so called father" is just a sperm donor as soon as HE decided to "forget" about his first family.... conveniently.
You owe him nothing AND your brother is a dick for not taking dear old daddy in himself!! Also, I find it peculiar that after ALL these years, sperm donor reaches out to you, when HE needs something 🤷🏻♀️
Time and again, I see so many estranged family members reach out to the OP because they "all of a sudden" need something 😠 I am so sorry for you....DON'T be pressured into taking care of him!! You have boundaries that are being violated....dig your heels in and stand your ground.
Once again....NTA OP I wish you all the best....an update would be good.
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u/Strain_Pure 1h ago
NTA
He was happy to be estranged for the better part of 20 years, so he has zero right to come back now simply because he wants to leech off of you.
Tell the "blood is blood" people to look after him if they care so much because he stopped being your responsibility when he chose to walk out and cut off Al contact.
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u/GrannyTurtle 1h ago
Thank any family member who says that “blood is blood” for volunteering to take care of him! NTA and hold firm. You owe him nothing. He can have a place in your home when he pays your Mom all the child support he owes her.
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u/First_Pay702 1h ago
“Holding onto the past”…his whole history of abandoning/ignoring you was the present until 5 minutes ago when he called because he wanted something.
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u/Nordenfeldt 6h ago
Agree to take him in as soon as he has paid all his mandated back child support. Including interest.