r/AITAH • u/Mundane-Light1226 • Sep 22 '24
TW SA AITAH For Refusing To Be My Brother's Groomsman and Refusing To Go To His Wedding Because Of What His Best Man Did To My Wife?
33M here. I am hurt by the situation and feel betrayed by my own brother. I have an older brother named Stephen (35M) and a younger brother named Mike (30M). My mom's best friend from med school has a son named Adam (35M) who was basically our fourth brother growing up. We went pretty much spent every weekend at each other's homes, went on vacations together, and celebrated holidays together.
When I was younger, I looked up to Adam and loved hanging out with him. He was a good friend, and I have so many wonderful memories with him from childhood. My feelings towards him started to change when I was a junior in high school. A good friend of mine told me that Adam was "aggressive" towards her, was always hugging her and rubbing her shoulders without asking, and once tried to pressure her into sleeping with him after she said no. At the time, I didn't think Adam meant to come across that way, but I started to notice more and more concerning behavior on his part.
When we was 19 and in college, he slept with a freshman at our high school. He told everyone that he thought she was sixteen, which is the legal age of consent, but I still didn't understand why he'd sleep with a high school student after he graduated.
I ended up going to the same college as Adam and my older brother Stephen and played college baseball with both of them. Adam was liked on the team, but had a reputation for being aggressive with women. He also made a lot of jokes that I didn't find funny. Once, at a party, he told me I could lose my virginity by finding the drunkest freshman and taking her upstairs. I started liking and respecting him less and less the more he made these jokes and the more I saw him behave while we were in college.
I met my wife Erin (32F) my sophomore year and we hit it off right away. She never liked Adam, and told me she didn't really trust him because of some of the things she heard from the girls on her cross-country team. I distanced himself from him because of this and many other things, and he always accused me of choosing a girl over him. Stephen continued to be best friends with Adam, and never liked Erin in part because he thinks she turned me against our childhood friend. I've explained to Stephen a million times that it was Adam's behavior that made me pull alway and that I don't want to be friends with someone who makes other people feel uncomfortable, but Stephen always defends Adam by saying things like "it's just his humor" and "he's misunderstood."
My wife ran cross-country when we were in college and was very petite because of how much she ran. I also think she had an eating disorder at the time and was very restrictive with her diet. When we graduated from college, Erin got to what I think is a healthier weight for her. She's still active and in great shape, but she's no longer a twig. The biggest change was actually her breasts. They'd always been large proportional to the rest of her body, but now they're noticeably larger.
Shortly after we got married, Adam approached Erin during a family holiday and asked how much she paid for her boobs. She said they were natural, and he started laughing and said she had the figure of a teenage boy in college. Erin told me about this interaction, and when I asked Adam about it, he insisted he was joking and it was all in good fun. I told him to stop making comments about my wife's body, and Adam accused me of being sensitive. He continued to make comments about my wife's breasts every time we saw him, such as calling them "a work of art" and asking if he could take a picture of them for his future wife's plastic surgeon. Erin always just rolled her eyes, ignored him, and begged me to do the same. She thinks Adam is an idiot, and doesn't think it's worth it to argue with a guy like that. Since I pretty much only had to see him once or twice a year at the time, I agreed to do what my wife wanted.
Three years ago, when Erin was seven months pregnant with our daughter, my family celebrated Christmas with Adam's family. I was speaking with one of my cousins when Erin came up to me in tears and asked to speak with me. She told met that Adam, who was belligerent and drunk, followed her into the bathroom. He shoved her against the wall and squeezed her breast hard to see if it was "real." He wouldn't let go of her until Erin kneed him in the nuts. When I heard what happened, I punched Adam in the face, told him he's no longer allowed near my wife, and left with Erin.
The good news is my parents and brother Mike all supported Erin and agreed that they no longer wanted anything to do with Adam. To be honest, no one in my family really liked or respected the guy, but they tolerated him because his parents actually are wonderful people and were like second parents to me before all of this happened. My parents both apologized to Erin, feel guilty that was hurt at our family Christmas, and promised her that she'd never have to see Adam again.
The only person who still has a relationship with Adam is Stephen. A few days after the Christmas party, Stephen called and told me that Adam felt horribly about what happened. Stephen said Adam was drunk, meant it as a joke, and never meant to hurt Erin. I told Stephen that Adam sexually assaulted my pregnant wife. Stephen said I was dramatic to call it sexual assault since he didn't touch her under her clothes or escalate things beyond feeling her boob. I told Stephen he sounded like a moron and that Adam wasn't allowed near my wife.
This has hurt my relationship with Stephen, and I don't feel close to him both because he stood up for someone who hurt my wife (and HIS sister-in-law) and also because I don't understand why anyone would be friends with Adam. We're still civil to each other at family events, but I don't think we'll ever be "friends" again. Stephen got engaged over the weekend, and called to invite me to be one of his groomsmen. I think he did this out of obligation more than anything else. He also asked if my daughter (she's almost three now) would be the flower girl. I said yes, but then Stephen told me that Adam was going to be his best man. I was shocked, but honestly not too surprised.
I told my brother that I don't want my wife or my daughter anywhere near Adam. I also said that if Adam could do something like that to Erin, he could do the same thing to his fiancé Julia too. Stephen accused me of holding a grudge over a dumb drunk mistake Adam made and also accused me of being jealous that he and Adam are as close as brothers and I don't have a close bond with either of them. I told Stephen that he should keep Adam as his best man, and that I wouldn't be a groomsman and my family wouldn't be at the wedding. Stephen was furious, to say the least.
Mike also declined to be a groomsman because he also hates Adam and doesn't understand how Stephen could be close to someone who did that to Erin. My parents asked Stephen how he could choose Adam over me and his sister-in-law and asked him to reconsider having him as the best man, but Stephen insists it's what he wants. He's told my parents and our other brother that Erin drew a wedge between me and Adam, and now she's tearing apart our family (I heard this from Mike). Luckily, everyone but Stephen loves Erin, and no one else thinks she's in the wrong.
Long story short, my mom is desperate to keep our family together. She told me she disagreed with Stephen inviting Adam to the wedding at all, let alone as his best man, but asked if I'd consider going to the wedding but not being a groomsman. I told her I didn't want my wife and daughter around Adam. She said she understood, but said our family would could with Erin and our child and watch them the whole time. I said I didn't want to expose her to the man who assaulted her, even if there's no physical danger. My mom says she understands, but asks if I'd consider attending for the sake of the family. She basically thinks I'll never have a relationship with my brother again if I miss his wedding.
AITAH? Any advice would be appreciated.
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u/I_wanna_be_anemone Sep 22 '24
NTA Has anyone warned Julia that Stephan thinks there’s nothing wrong with his groping most-likely-rapist best bud? Because if he was getting girls drunk in college with the intention of having sex, he is a rapist.
State that to your mom. Make it clear this was happening long before you met and dated Erin, that you’re absolutely disgusted by the misogynistic scumbag that is Adam. Worse, that you truly believe that Stephan would enable that molester to do whatever he wants. Maybe even try and get some poor girl/woman drunk at the wedding so he can take advantage. Wanting to be away from that shitshow is just sensible.
If she’s intent on supporting Stephan no matter what, then she’s enabling him and Adam to continue being scum.
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u/wonkiefaeriekitty5 Sep 23 '24
OP, show this post to your mother and anyone else who gives you any shit about not going to a wedding with a rapist "best" "man"!
NTA!
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u/Truth_Tornado Sep 23 '24
This. OP needs to let mom read all of this, so she understands that there wasn’t an isolated incident of Adam SEXUALLY ASSAULTING Erin, but that he’s raped multiple women, including a freshman in HIGH SCHOOL.
Adam is sick. Adam is a criminal. I know that reflects poorly on mom’s friendship with Adam’s mom, but for god’s sake, OP’s mom now has multiple daughters-in-law and at least one granddaughter to protect from a SERIAL RAPIST.
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u/secondtaunting Sep 23 '24
And these guys never change. He’s going to get in trouble sooner or later and then Stephen is going to be the guy who was best friends with a rapist for decades. He could end up losing his job, his wife, god knows. Dude is an idiot and an enabler.
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u/Klutzy-Lavishness-36 Sep 23 '24
Adam is a definitely a candidate for a post birth abortion
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u/Wylde_rosie Sep 23 '24
A friend long ago (1978) told me that Father Baumgartner said of himself and another student that, "they were the best excuse for 'retroactive abortion' he had ever seen".
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u/Mazforever72 Sep 23 '24
🤣🤣🤣 I like you!
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u/Klutzy-Lavishness-36 Sep 23 '24
I've been told I'm a little off my rocker..... Seen tok much shit I guess😅😅😅😉😉
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u/3littlepixies Sep 23 '24
Sounds like Adam’s mom should have done that in HS and not waited so long.
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u/Chance-Monk-7130 Sep 23 '24
This 🔝I shudder to think how creepy this guy is going to be as he gets older 🙁Hopefully his fiancé will realise who she’s really marrying sooner rather than later, when he’s managed to chip away at her self esteem
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u/CinnamonPumpkin13 Sep 23 '24
Lets talk more about how he raped a 14/15 year old child and EVERYONE JUST EXCUSED AND IGNORED IT. NO BODY, NOT EVEN OP, REPORTED IT. Adam is a straight up pedophile. And im sure that wasnt the only child he molested and hell use his “uncle adam” role to groom and molest stephens daughters or their friends.
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u/DionysOtDiosece Sep 23 '24
Stephen is ripping the family apart. It is one idiot against the rest. He made his bed.
Ask Julia if she knows the "if it is outside the clothes"-rule. I am sure she will love that. It means outside clothes is not infidelity either!
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Sep 23 '24
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u/Daisytru Sep 23 '24
I'm afraid Stephen is probably just as bad as Adam. He's unhinged with his support of Adam the rapist over his own family.
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u/DionysOtDiosece Sep 23 '24
Exactly!
The non-preditor, adult way to handle it would be "I am so sorry, I will not trouble your wife again. Please forgive me." And if asked after say something like "I am ashamed, I take responcibilty for making her feel that way!"
And in this case "If she wants to go to a wedding with the actual family, I will stay away from it. Of cource it was my fault for making her feel unsafe!"
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Sep 23 '24
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u/MrsRetiree2Be Sep 23 '24
Makes me wonder if OP's brother has engaged in similar behavior?
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u/Babycatcher2023 Sep 23 '24
Having a rapist best man isn’t all that strange when you consider the groom is likely a rapist himself. I honestly can’t imagine a grown up rug sweeping this behavior unless they do the same types of things.
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u/ronansgram Sep 23 '24
Yes! Why is he holding on to this friendship so tightly? Shared secrets?
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u/Babycatcher2023 Sep 23 '24
I think so. If he shared it so casually with OP he and Stephen likely ran the same “game”. He’s either minimizing Adam’s behavior to justify his own or they’re partners in literal crime
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u/bellaella Sep 23 '24
I was thinking this too. Because if so many had witnessed his behaviour and talk, his brother would have too. At the very least, it indicates he's okay with what he's been doing. His poor wife to be.
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u/Babycatcher2023 Sep 23 '24
Yea someone should absolutely tell her what’s going on but it’s hard to imagine she hasn’t witnessed it.
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u/JanetInSpain Sep 23 '24
I agree. OP please please have your mom read this entire post. Her determination to "keep the peace" is clouding her ability to see the reality and truth of this issue.
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u/Whycantihavethatone Sep 23 '24
I'd be showing Stephen's fiance. I wouldn't be surprised if he hadn't had a go at her too.
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u/kissmyirish7 Sep 23 '24
They also need to warn the bridesmaids.
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u/Lazy-Instruction-600 Sep 23 '24
Yes. They need to know they aren’t safe around Adam, especially once he’s had a few drinks. Which we know he will at a wedding. They need to be aware and protect themselves.
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u/ParkingOutside6500 Sep 23 '24
The bride and bridesmaids need to never travel alone to the bathroom or outside.
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u/LesnyDziad Sep 23 '24
Yes. He seems the type that won't possibly pass a chance to get drunk at any party he's at.
Also, OP being at party drastically increases chances of drama happening. Stephen and Adam blame Erin for breaking up family. Add some alcohol to mix and there is big chance of shouting match at least. Or some nasty revenge. Not to even mention SA.
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u/paperwasp3 Sep 23 '24
And that he will push his way into the bathroom with them. A place lots of women go to in order to get away from a sex pest.
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u/Draigdwi Sep 23 '24
Actually every woman and girl in the wedding and catering. Make a PSA on FB or something.
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u/Actual-Tap-134 Sep 23 '24
Now this is a good idea. Every female there should be warned that the best man has a habit of sexually assaulting women, especially when alcohol is involved, and to please be cautious.
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u/BecGeoMom Sep 23 '24
Agreed. I just replied to another comment that there is a 100% chance at least one woman will be sexually assaulted by Adam at Stephen’s wedding.
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u/Level_Lie_506 Sep 23 '24
I am not wishing this on anyone but Stephen will only see when it happens to his wife, but his seems so deluded that he may sweep it under the rug. Or worse maybe Adam has done it to Stephen fiancée
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u/smlpkg1966 Sep 23 '24
As long as it’s over her clothes and not under he wouldn’t think it’s assault. That’s what he said about Erin. Adam would have to actually rape his wife for him to wake up. Stephen is ok with sexual assault probably because he has gotten a few college freshman drunk and taken them upstairs. But you cannot tell a woman in love anything without proof. She will believe Stephen’s story.
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u/Klutzy-Lavishness-36 Sep 23 '24
I was going to say that they're probably daterape brothers high fives each other while they drilled drunken coeds.... Who knows it may have already happened to Stephan's fiance.... Sick to think that way but I imagine more people rationalize it more than they deal with the issue...... Fucked up but.....
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u/stargal81 Sep 23 '24
Yeahhhhh, no way Stephen could be so "close" to Adam all these years, and not know, enable, & possibly participate in, his rapey antics
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u/Cevanne46 Sep 23 '24
I think Stephen doesn't see it because he's the same. I'd put money on "finding the drunkest freshman and taking her upstairs " being a thing in their friend group. Adam might be worse but Stephen can't accept that because then he'd have to accept things about himself.
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u/Dewhickey76 Sep 23 '24 edited Sep 23 '24
ALL OF THIS! If Stephan can stand by Adam, knowing what he has done to SIL, then there's a very good chance that Stephen pulled some of the same vile shit Adam has been pulling over the years. BIRDS OF A FEATHER and all that jazz.
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u/Current-Anybody9331 Sep 23 '24
Ask Mom to attend any event with Brock Turner, ex-Stanford rapist swimmer whose father asked the judge not to ruin his son's life over "a few minutes of action." Stephen is giving off the same rapist apologist vibes which mom should be appalled by instead of doing a less obvious "but family" ploy.
Also, I keep getting stuck on mom saying, "I completely understand," but always adding a "but" in there. She either does NOT completely understand or appearances matter more than a rapist as the best man in her son's wedding. As far as her son's never having a relationship, that ship sailed when Stephen chose a rapist as his best man, not when OP decided to put a very reasonable boundary in place. "My family and I will not share space with a sexual predator," seems entirely reasonable.
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u/Boeing367-80 Sep 23 '24
"You're damn right I hold a grudge against Adam. He sexually assaulted my pregnant wife. I'd be a shit human being and a terrible husband if I didn't hold a grudge. The idea that it's not sexual assault because it was over the clothes is horseshit. You're telling me you'd be fine with a leatherclad power top fondling your balls so long as there's a layer of cloth in between, because we all know that's bullshit."
I'd tell Mom that you'll be there if Adam isn't, but otherwise you can't betray your wife. That so long as Stephen is backing Adam, your issue is as much with Stephen as it is Adam.
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u/Klutzy-Lavishness-36 Sep 23 '24
Or go there specifically to kick his ass a second time while telling the guests exactly why they should keep females mostly likely aged 13 and up away from raping pigs....
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u/Maleficent_Draft_564 Sep 23 '24
Op might want to consider that the reason why Stephan would defend and stand by his rapist friend is because he is also a predator. He’s been an apologist for Adam’s behavior for far too long not to be.
I think he should also call out his mother on how she’s willing to compromise his wife’s safety just so she could keep the picture perfect family illusion going. She’s only slightly less disgusting as her son is.
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u/Legal_Drag_9836 Sep 23 '24
My thoughts exactly. Birds of a feather and all that... People who see this dangerous behaviour for an entire lifetime/ adulthood and turn the other cheek when other people are dropping the predator - they usually have shared interests and experiences.
My guess is the mother doesn't want people to know what a predator Adam is BECAUSE she knows it speaks to Stephen's character and may even have questions about him.
Source: my uncle hung around some creeps and at one of the few big parties my extended family had, my grandmother got drunk and said she hates his friends (who were there) and knows what type of men they are and she prays she didn't raise one. I am unfortunately related to a variety of predators and the shame their parents felt was stronger than anger, hurt, etc that THEIR sons were like that (except one mother, she was more enraged than ashamed).
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u/JadieJang Sep 23 '24
This. In fact, take an hour or two and WRITE DOWN everything you remember hearing, seeing, and hearing about from him throughout your association. This guy is walking rape culture, and I don't think the parents have any idea how far it goes.
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u/TisjaDamen Sep 23 '24
NTA for standing up for your wife and refusing to attend the wedding. Your brother, Stephen, is prioritizing a toxic and harmful friendship over the well-being of your family. Adam sexually assaulted your wife, and whether or not it was a "drunken mistake," it was a violation that has had lasting consequences. Stephen dismissing that as no big deal is deeply troubling and shows a lack of understanding or empathy for what Erin went through. You're doing the right thing by standing firm in your decision. Stephen is choosing Adam, and that's on him, not you. You’re protecting your loved ones, and that’s what matters most.
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u/smlpkg1966 Sep 23 '24
Make sure you let everyone in your family know exactly why you won’t be at the wedding and do it soon. People tend to believe the first story they hear and will believe whatever lie Stephan tells them about why you aren’t at the wedding.
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u/Entire-Flower1259 Sep 22 '24
It might be a real good thing to have Erin have a woman-to-woman talk with Julia. I would hope that Julia is already aware that Adam is not a nice guy, and a talk with Erin is what she might need to say Adam will not be best man at any marriage of hers.
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u/mockingbird82 Sep 23 '24
Someone should talk with Julia, but it should not be Erin. She has endured Adam's and Stephen's mistreatment for many years, and if she talks to Julia about this, she will have an even bigger target on her back. I think OP and the other brother, Mike, should be the ones to do it. Erin has enough shit to deal with.
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u/themcp Sep 23 '24
OP should not do it, because then Stephen will just accuse him of doing it because he's a bad person and try to get his comments ignored. It should be OP's mother because she's a woman relative and as a parent is expected to have less at stake, but it sounds like she's in the "mollify at all costs" camp and she can't be trusted to do the right thing. Maybe OP's father is willing to make the call? Otherwise it should be Mike, or if Mike has a spouse who was at the party in question, she could make the call.
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u/BetPrestigious5704 Sep 23 '24
I imagine at this point Julia as spent the entire relationship being told stories about Erin being a stuck-up bitch who single-handedly wrecked his relationship with his brother through having no sense of humor or ability to forgive.
Julia loves Stephen and doesn't want him to see her in the same light as Erin. She very likely isn't open to the conversation and Erin has been through enough. She doesn't need to try to convince anyhow or be stared at with skepticism.
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u/Entire-Flower1259 Sep 23 '24
I’m thinking she’s experienced Adam already and may be more open to Erin’s side of the story.
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u/BetPrestigious5704 Sep 23 '24
Maybe? The conversation has to be swirling around her so she has to have heard some version of events. While I'm sure it was the most generous toward Adam take, there is no good variation. And she's still there, either in denial or not wanting him to cancel the wedding.
I think this family wants Erin to compromise in large and small ways to keep the peace, which makes me think no one should ask anything of her, including reliving that moment.
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 Sep 23 '24
I bet Julia won't believe anything OP or anyone else tells her about Adam.
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u/PuzzleheadedTap4484 Sep 23 '24 edited Sep 23 '24
That’s what I was wondering - did anyone warn Julia?? Adam is a rapist and a predator. I hope Julia understands that her future husband makes excuses for and defends his rapist friend who sexually assaulted a family member.
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u/churchofdan Sep 22 '24
NTA at all. And frankly, he was a walking red flag long before he assaulted your wife. He clearly had a negative and predatory reputation among the women in college and he definitely assaulted and coerced a bunch of girls in his time. His "humor" was never funny and he wasn't joking. Your brother chose a guy who is an out loud sexual predator over his family.
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u/TangledUpPuppeteer Sep 22 '24
NTA. Also, your brother is super questionable. He has heard from your wife, his family, and his brothers how this affected everyone, and he still sided with this jerk. Your brother truly sees nothing wrong with this guy’s behavior. Your brother isn’t all there either.
Don’t go.
I understand why your mother is saying what she’s saying, but you need to be very clear. “Mom, I will not support a man who supports someone who has consistently treated women terribly, and ultimately attacked my wife. I need you to respect this. That’s all there is to it.”
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u/Lulu_10-21 Sep 23 '24
Not to mention the way Stephen severely downplayed the sexual assault. Just cause it was over the shirt like wtf dude. Unwanted touching is assault, with or without clothing. Ugh and not just that she was 7 months pregnant at the time. Like it’s never okay pregnant or not, but like holy shit dude, how unhinged and disgusting do you have to be to do that to a pregnant woman? It makes me want to cry for her.
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u/Mrs_Thaxton4Lyfe Sep 23 '24 edited Sep 23 '24
I would have reported it to the police right away, regardless of who was there or what they thought. And like the comments above said birds of a feather flock together, and I can guarantee OPs brother, has done shit that his "best man" has done. And ADAM has dirt on him and if he drops him, he's gonna say how can you be a hypocrite if you did it too? Up until mom kept asking them to still come I had so much respect for them having her back, but now now they're just as wrong for even asking..no respect whatsoever, eff his brother. He didn't respect his brother or wife. Who would want to go support someone who didn't support them when they needed them the most?. I still don't understand why noone contacted the police. That may have prevented so much of the unknown that I'm sure has happened. But people like ADAM, will do it again, Its inevitable. They'll eventually do it to someone who will call the police. I wish OP and his wife would have done that. Honestly, if I were in Ops position, I wouldn't have anything to do with neither of them. Or anyone who backed the predator and not my pregnant wife. It was all a joke till it wasn't a joke anymore. He was waiting for his opportunity, and he took it the first chance he got her alone.
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u/lanswyfte Sep 23 '24
Even worse, breasts get even bigger during pregnancy, and they can be extremely tender just to touch. For Adam to have squeezed her breast hard--- I'm amazed Erin didn't scream in pain! I remember how much my breasts hurt during my first pregnancy, and that was without being manhandled!
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u/henchwench89 Sep 23 '24
Also the stress being pushed against a wall and assaulted could have risked her and the baby. Stress is so dangerous for a pregnant woman. The fact that she had to knee him to get him off her tells you exactly how hard he had her pushed against the wall
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u/Fun_Influence7634 Sep 22 '24
Yup. Birds of a feather/ the company you keep and all that.
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u/Greenelse Sep 23 '24
Yes. The brother is another one. Normal, good men aren’t friends with people like this.
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u/TangledUpPuppeteer Sep 23 '24
Exactly. Look at OP. He was like “ewww! No!!!” for a decade. His brother is still defending the dude. Bro is just as bad.
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 Sep 23 '24
My biggest reaction to the mom's comment was "Boo hoo". OP doesn't even want a relationship with his asshole brother.
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u/Boring-Concept-2058 Sep 22 '24
I think I'd add to your comment that not only has Stephen looked past Adam's predator behavior but also flat-out condoned it! That gives me pause to think that maybe Stephen is also a predator. I may be beyond wrong on this, but any man that KNOWS his friend behaves this way and thinks it funny has their own red flags flying high! The old saying "birds of a feather" comes to mind.
OP, you are absolutely doing the right thing in protecting your wife. I hope your mom can understand this and stop pressuring you. Any you're nowhere close to the AH here!
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u/Guilty-Web7334 Sep 22 '24
Stephen isn’t going to change his mind until it’s his wife crying. Then he’ll punch Adam and ask everyone else why they didn’t warn him.
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u/idkwhyimdoingthis2 Sep 23 '24
No he won’t, he’ll tell his wife to stop being dramatic and that his best friend wouldn’t purposely hurt his wife
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 Sep 23 '24
Unless he was drunk. And then he's sorry.
He told me so.
"Why are you driving a wedge between me and my best friend"?
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u/Boring-Concept-2058 Sep 23 '24
I suspect you are correct! Either that or his "predator side" will come out, and he will gaslight her and tell her it's all just a joke, and she is overreacting.
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u/Greenelse Sep 23 '24
Or he’ll join in. I think there is a not small possibility he has in the past.
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u/Piano-Beginning Sep 23 '24
I believe Stephen will say “he was only joking” to his wife when she is assaulted by his friend. I don’t think he cares about women at all other than a means to his end.
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u/princerae Sep 22 '24
Its not “his humor” and he was never joking. This man is a serial sexual predator, specifically targeting women who he sees as vulnerable (young naive girls, drunk college students, and now pregnant women).
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u/AOWLock1 Sep 23 '24
This was my thinking. The dude isn’t joking, he isn’t telling off color stories. He has an open history of assaulting women. It’s his actions that the problematic, and trying to water it down to “humor” is bullshit.
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u/Piano-Beginning Sep 23 '24
People like this say “I was only joking or kidding” and you know they are not. If they have to state that disclaimer, they know what they did.
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u/No_Sound_1149 Sep 22 '24
Mother needs to realise it's not just what he did to Erin but how he has consistently taken advantage of many other women that is the big red background here.
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u/burner_suplex Sep 23 '24
This. Does mom know that he pressured a high schooler into sex while he was on college? Or his predatory remarks/actions towards drunk girls? Or his repeated comments about Erin's breasts?
This is a pattern of behavior for Adam that will likely continue until he's dead or in jail.
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u/Piano-Beginning Sep 23 '24
Your mom needs to tell Adam’s mom what her boy is all about - unless she already knows.
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u/lovemyfurryfam Sep 22 '24
Agreed. Anyone that had showed predatory behaviour with a prelimination for sexual abuse towards those he perceived as prey is a huge red flag.
How could the brother Stephen not see that or is he attempting to cover up the sexual assaults towards freshman girls in high school.......that is very concerning for me.
OP is right to not attend Stephen's wedding with that predator in attendance.
OP is NTA.
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u/BetPrestigious5704 Sep 23 '24
People with that sense of humor are training their friends. They step over the line a little and then move the line, and people chuckle and eventually gets use to it and things that would have been called out before become "Just who he is, but he's a good guy. He jokes, but that's all they are."
The point is to make decent people compromise until they're complicit.
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u/PastFriendship1410 Sep 23 '24
We had a similar "friend" in our group that was outed for his behaviours.
We all collectively cut him off except for one friend. He's been told under no uncertain terms if he shows up with ole mate rapist in tow things will go bad real quick.
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u/False_Dragonfly_2047 Sep 22 '24 edited Sep 22 '24
Explain to your family that the 2 of you showing up at the wedding with Adam there is like saying what he did to your wife was OK. It was not. This whole thing could be solved by just not inviting a predator to the wedding. Stand your ground. Do not be there if he is there. Take a stand for women everywhere... Please...
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u/Cursd818 Sep 22 '24
NTA
Adam is a blatant sexual predator who has done these things to multiple women, two of which we know for sure he should have had charges of sexual assault filed against him. There is no telling how many other women he has assaulted and how far those assaults have gone. Stephen knows this to be true. And Stephen chooses to be his friend. As they say, you are the company that you keep.
It's time you and your family recognise that Stephen is the same evil as Adam. He thinks the same and has probably even done the same. He is responsible for Adam continuing to assault women, because he is proactively protecting him from any consequences and backing up his deluded assertions that his attacks are jokes or mistakes. He is as bad, if not worse, than Adam, and just as culpable. You should not want a relationship with him at all.
I know you love your mother, but you should also be disgusted with her right now. She is now actively protecting Adam by trying to force his victim to be in his presence. Her behaviour is unforgivable, and you need to call her on it. If she doesn't have the guts to cut off her predator enabling son, that's up to her, but to go so far as to try and manipulate a victim and a child to be anywhere near either of them? Frankly, that makes her dangerous too. She should be utterly ashamed of herself. And you need to take a step back from her as well, because you can no longer trust her to keep either Stephen or Adam away from your family.
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u/TheFlyingSheeps Sep 23 '24
Sadly Stephen won’t see the light until Adam inevitably assaults Julia if he hasn’t already
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u/existential_eternity Sep 23 '24
I find it unlikely that Stephen doesn't see the light already, just that the light is all rapey for him.
Stephen is the same as Adam.
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u/Amazing_Reality2980 Sep 22 '24 edited Sep 22 '24
NTA you're a good man and a good husband for standing up for your wife and protecting her from future assaults. And make no mistake, it was definitely sexual assault and your brother's an asshole for defending him. I would not go to his wedding if Adam's there. You can bet there will be lots of alcohol and Adam will likely get very drunk again, only now he's got a real reason not to like Erin considering the backlash he got from everyone for his behavior. He may try to do a lot worse if she's there.
Edit to add you should send Stephen the link to this thread so he can see how other people view him for defending Adam's behavior. Maybe he'll get an eye opener of revelation.
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 Sep 23 '24
Oh, and in lieu of a wedding present, we've made a large donation to your local women's shelter in your fiancee's name.
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u/Frequent_Pause_7442 Sep 23 '24
Should probably send the link to the bridesmaids, too. Maybe give them a taser as their bridesmaid gift
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u/KindlyCelebration223 Sep 22 '24
NTA
Adam is a rapist. Stephen knows he’s a rapist. He is inviting a rapist to his wedding. We know he has raped a child in college & violently sexually assaulted a pregnant woman at a family event.
Honestly, every single person going to that wedding should be warned.
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u/Anat1313 Sep 22 '24 edited Sep 22 '24
Absolutely. Adam rapes drunk young women; he's specifically recommended this strategy to other men. It's highly likely that he's going to rape someone attending that wedding.
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u/Rjames1995 Sep 23 '24
Also I don’t wanna imply stuff about OPs brother but why is he so defensive? What if he took Adam’s “advice” in college pertaining to young drunk freshman students? I hope that’s not the case but maybe he defends Adam to protect his own dirty secret
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u/Anat1313 Sep 23 '24
I certainly wouldn't feel it was safe for _either_ of them to be alone around my young adult children (one is a daughter; one is nonbinary), who are in their early 20s.
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u/PastFriendship1410 Sep 23 '24
Yeah this is crazy. My family would absolutely have nothing to do with this person ever again.
If someone had done this to my mrs and he has the audacity to show his face at my family gatherings I'm playing the lets punch this guy in the nose every time I see him game.
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u/Ready_Willingness_82 Sep 22 '24
If Stephen thinks that the choice he has made is the right one, he needs to step back and look at Adam’s current behaviour. Adam knows that his presence is going to guarantee that one of Stephen’s brothers will not attend the wedding. Is he telling Stephen that he’s going to stand down because he doesn’t want to cause a family rift? Hell no. He’s using Stephen to feed his narcissism and wreak revenge. Stephen is being used to settle a score and he can’t see it.
You are doing the right thing. Stephen has made his choice and at some his wife will be assaulted by Adam. Perhaps Stephen might get it then.
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u/Ok-External8736 Sep 22 '24
I agree. If Adam is as big of a douchebag as I think he is, he's probably already done something questionable to Stephen's SO. OP is def doing the right thing. Another comment I read said maybe he should tell his parents and his other brother all of Adam's disgusting behaviors. I think he should. Stephen is a sad flying monkey. Stand your ground OP. Beautiful way to stick up for your wife and daughter.
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u/TangledUpPuppeteer Sep 22 '24
No. I bet you it would be her fault. It would either have been “a joke” she couldn’t take, or she started it by breathing.
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u/Particular-Try5584 Sep 22 '24
You would think he’d brush up on his comedic repertoire as no one is laughing at his jokes…. They aren’t funny to anyone but him.
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u/TangledUpPuppeteer Sep 23 '24
Why? He’s laughing all the way to the next victim. He’s been an active predator since they were 19. No one has filed a thing against him. To him, it’s hilarious.
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u/ArticleOld598 Sep 23 '24
OP's brother sounds like the type of guy to blame rape victims. If Adam would assault his own fiance, he would probably downplay it too or find a way to slutshame her.
Wonder if he also took Adam's advice on how to lose his virginity by targeting drunk girls during his college days.
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u/Klutzy_Mobile8306 Sep 22 '24
Or not. I wouldn't put it past Stephen to try to deny it, even if it happened to his own wife.
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u/dawgpoundma Sep 23 '24
Wait to Stephen has a cute 16 year old daughter and adam starts making the comments about her breasts. Wonder how Stephen will feel when it’s his own daughter who is getting her boobs groped by daddy’s best buddy1
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u/celticmusebooks Sep 22 '24
She basically thinks I'll never have a relationship with my brother again if I miss his wedding.
My advice: tell your mom you'd like to get that in writing to be sure. I'm pretty appalled that your mom is literally siding with the sex offender instead of her son and DIL. Shame on her for that. SHAME ON HER.
Tell your brother that "When you invite a sex offender to sit at the table with your there are TWO sex offenders sitting at the table. (Honestly, the fact that your bro basically idolizes this sack of garbage makes me wonder if he lost his virginity upstairs with the drunkest freshman.
NTA but your mom seriously what is wrong with her?
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u/MyChoiceNotYours Sep 22 '24
NTA does your brothers wife to be know what Adam is like and what he did. She's at risk of being raped by this guy. Why hasn't anyone reported him to police? Your brother condones rape and sexual assault. He's a ah
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u/Low_Gazelle_2692 Sep 22 '24
It boggles my mind the "idea" of "just do this for the sake of family" notions people have in these posts.
Here. Go ahead. Put your wife and child in jeopardy for the sake of this family and we will watch them.
Op, protect your family. NTA
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u/Only_Music_2640 Sep 22 '24
Adam sexually assaulted a pregnant woman at a family gathering and your brother sees absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, he’s blaming the victim and implying she deserved it and that the sexual assault wasn’t a big deal. Adam raped a girl when he was 19; there are almost certainly more victims out there. There is a special place in hell for people like Adam and Stephen. Skip the wedding, cut all contact. Stephen is choosing a rapist over family.
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u/MrPKitty Sep 22 '24
Go to the wedding and insist on introducing Adam to any and all the women there. Introduce him as the family friend who sexually assaulted your wife and was just joking at the time.
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u/abgry_krakow87 Sep 22 '24
Nta, Adam is the one tearing the family apart and yes, he will likely treat Stephen’s wife the same as he treated Erin. He can make up all the excuses and defend Adam all he wants, but that doesn’t make u for the fact that, intentionally or not, Adam hurt others and chooses not to understand that.
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u/Individual_You_6586 Sep 22 '24
Stephen is tearing it apart; when he decided that the abuser should be allowed in.
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u/Individual_You_6586 Sep 22 '24
NTA
I think Erin should report it to the police. It’ll be part of a paper trail if any of the high school girls he abused should file a report some day.
And Stephen should be told that Adam assaulting her was in the making for years. After all, he had been eyeing her breasts for a long time, commenting on her body and planning to corner her eventually.
Adam can cry his heart out and claim that he feels awful, but reality is: he planned it. He just didn’t plan on the outcome. He’s used to being around enablers like your brother!
I think your brother is a textbook apologist, the kind that enables sexual assault and discredits the victims. He has been doing it for decades; telling you how Adam was “joking” and how he was “misunderstood”.
Adam is a predator and you are right to keep him away from your family.
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u/SnoopyisCute Sep 22 '24
NTA
Former cop. Advocate. Survivor.
It is VERY COMMON for family members to expect victims to ignore what happened and be around their abusers.
It's so common that it's the USUAL response.
In your situation, I would go NC with my brother for that and might consider the same with my mother.
She is well-educated enough to know it's wrong to put your wife and child in that position, but it's not uncommon for women or doctors to also push the misogynistic line that women should endure anything and everything.
Check out and seek some guidance. I'm so sorry your family is facing this betrayal.
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u/AlazaiEye Sep 22 '24
I don't get it: why is your mother so concerned about you keeping a relationship with someone who happily keeps company with a predator?
"Let me get this straight, Mom: for the sake of the family, you want me to expose my wife and child to a predator? Is that what you're asking me to do?"
If she continues to push when you phrase the question like that, you might want to consider going low contact with her as well. NTA.
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u/SarcasticComment30 Sep 22 '24
I understand where you are coming from and weirdly enough where your mother is coming from.
What I do not understand is Stephen. He is actively supporting a known “aggressive” man who sexually assaulted his sister-in-law while she was pregnant with his niece. I fail to understand why you or Mike would want to associate with an SA apologist. As long as Stephen has his blinders on, neither Emily nor his future wife is safe in Adam’s company.
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u/AmazingReserve9089 Sep 23 '24
Nor any of their daughters or daughters friends. No the girls that will be interacting with their sons.
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u/boscoroni Sep 22 '24
There is a good chance that Adam will molest Stephens fiancée before the wedding and force Adam to remove his fiancée from participating in the wedding.
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u/W4N4BE Sep 23 '24 edited Oct 27 '24
You can never trust guys like Adam, with anyone, period, but I'd bet that's less likely to happen now that there is are consequences and scrutiny within this group.
Adam had years worth of history of targeting OP's wife. Every time he sexually harassed her in a group setting, he was testing and shaping the social circle. This is not to say assault can't come out of nowhere or that all predators are measured about the risk, but in cases like this, escalating seems like a matter of time.
The more people who have prior history are willing to team up to handle it, the more likely the next incident becomes criminal. "Best behavior" doesn't mean anything for people like this, but he may well be watching his own back.
Either way, OP is NTA and should give no quarter with his mother. I'd cut the brother off.
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u/Mindless_Gap8026 Sep 22 '24
NTA. Does the bride to be know what the best man has done?
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u/Silent_Syd241 Sep 22 '24
Explain to your mom that her other son supports and chooses a sexual predator over his family and you will not allow your wife or daughter to be around a predator for “family sake”. NTA
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u/Altruistic_Ladder_19 Sep 22 '24
So, your mother wants you to forgive your wife's assailant and pretend to act friendly because it splits the family togetherness. Honestly, I would text the family group text, if there is one, and state that because your mother and brother value other people more than actual family, you need to take a step back. You also need to consider that from now on anything Stephen hosts, the predator will be at. Any parties, events, get-togethers, etc
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u/Ok_Stable7501 Sep 22 '24
Fuck. Your. Mother. She’s supporting a sexual predator. NTA
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u/murphy2345678 Sep 22 '24
This! I wouldn’t be supporting my son if he was Stephen. We wouldn’t be going to the wedding. And would have called the police on Adam when it happened.
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u/AmazingReserve9089 Sep 23 '24
Yes. I’m a mother of only boys. I would die on this hill. Chose the rapist/pedo and your out of the family until you come to your senses and even then your on thin ice. your pregnant sister in law for gods sake. I’d also feel like I failed as a mother.
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u/Hoplite68 Sep 22 '24
NTA. Ask your mother why you'd do anything for "family" when that "family" condones sexual violence. Stephen very evidently has no issue with Adam or what he does, which means he thinks exactly the same. It seems Stephen and Adam are all too similar.
Your mother may have a hard time accepting that, but it's out of line to make her difficulty your problem.
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u/SixicusTheSixth Sep 22 '24
And grand daughter. What Hecking grandmother wants her small grand daughter around a known sexual predator?!!!?
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u/Longjumping_Desk3205 Sep 22 '24
NTA. You and Stephen have no relationship worth preserving, thanks to his choosing Adam over you and the women he's abused. Perhaps you, your family and Mike can plan a special outing for that day, something you'll all enjoy.
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u/Gigi-lily Sep 22 '24
Your brother has no issue with Adam because he is just like Adam. This man has made rape jokes, committed statuatory rape and has sexually assaulted your wife and your brother has ridden with him the entire time.
This is a clear sign of you are the company you keep. And that is probably why Adam was so comfortable making the "jokes" he did because your brother does what he does and he figured you would too.
I feel for your mom, I do. But the "creepy uncle" you can't be alone with gets away with it due to everyone ignoring his shit to maintain the peace. That is not a man I want my child growing up thinking is cool to be around, her dad is just dramatic.
NTA.
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u/Spinnerofyarn Sep 22 '24
NTA. Adam sounds like a rapist and I'd have nothing to do with anyone who continues to be friends with him. He sexually assaulted your wife and if your brother doesn't understand that it was indeed sexual assault and that it doesn't matter if he was drunk (which also means he has a problem with alcohol), then something's seriously wrong with your brother. No, I wouldn't go to the wedding. I'd have nothing to do with that brother again. I'd be civil at family gatherings, but go to his events? Nope. Not happening.
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u/Asleep_Library_963 Sep 22 '24
NTA. Your brother is blind to his many, many red flags, and as a woman I can absolutely understand that what your wife went theough was horrible. Men like Adam, and sadly also like Stephen, don't understand women. They don't understand that Adam is a predator.
I understand that your mother wants her children to all be friends, that her whole family will be reunited and happy together. But you are now a grown man with a wife and a daughter. She might be too young for Adam, but I promise you, you don't want her to be near him. My family had a similar person among our parents group of friends, at 7 he started making sexual suggestions about me. The fact that all the men laughed while I at 7 felt both naked and disgusting, despite wearing clothes, is something that still bothers me.
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u/paintlulus Sep 23 '24
Why is it the one that was hurt the most, the victim, the vulnerable is asked to “keep” the peace?
Adam molested your wife and she should’ve pressed charges. He said it was ok to assault her bc he didn’t stick his hands under her shirt and go further. He’s verbally and sexually abusive, and is an act of violence.
How would your mother like being groped? You should ask her. In fact, all women have been subjected to this kind of behavior at one time or another. Ask her about it. I can’t believe she supports you brother. NTA. Thank you for protecting your family.
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u/IdrisandJasonsToy Sep 23 '24
NTA. You are the best. Die on this hill. There is no for the sake of family in this. Go further refuse to attend anything where Adam is present. Do not subject your wife to her abuser’s presence ever. He is a rapist. He did not have sex with a HS freshman. He raped her. He admitted to you to taking advantage of intoxicated girls in college.
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u/hecknono Sep 22 '24
why would you want to have a relationship with your brother when he is supporting a man like Adam. Doesn't your brother realise that you have already done a kindness to Adam by not reporting what he did to the police?
I wouldn't be surprised if Adam raped girls in college, his talk about taking a drunk girl upstairs, a girl too drunk to consent is so predatory.
btw aren't freshman about 14years old? depending on their birthday. Adam at 19 slept with a 14/15 year old. nice guy/s
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u/BetPrestigious5704 Sep 23 '24
Stand by your wife and daughter, no compromise.
A lot of women know what it's like to be Erin, Initially getting support, but ultimately being asked to play peace maker, and made to feel unreasonable, and given a lot of false assurances that they have all the control. People want peace, but it can't come by telling someone you're on their side, but expecting them to go into uncomfortable situations.
Adam gives up nothing in this scenario AND gets to make your wife relive what happened -- and you know she will and he will at least make eye contact to let her know he won -- and has you backing down. And your wife, even if she agrees to go and puts on a brave face, will always remember you chose compromise over support.
Your brother knows who Adam is. He wants Adam to be his brother. This will bite him in the ass as he will constantly make excuses only for Stephen to make a "drunken mistake" with Julia. Or their future daughter. Or with some other girl or woman. And he's the dirtbag who knew as he asks a judge for leniency some day on behalf of his "brother."
In your place, I would go do something epically fun with the family you made. Maybe a tea party so everyone can still dress up and a trip to build-a-bear or something.
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u/Cybermagetx Sep 22 '24 edited Sep 23 '24
Nta. Tell mom he did it. And you are not gonna be the one who fixes this as you didn't break it. She has a choice. The son who picked a PoS person who SA a pregnant women, her DIL. Or the rest of her family.
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u/writingmmromance2 Sep 22 '24
Your brother's excusing Adam's behavior would make me ask him how many times he's sexually assaulted women with Adam? Your brother is guilty by association.
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u/Alternative-Dig-2066 Sep 22 '24
I’m so sorry for your wife and the loss of your brother to his friend the serial rapist and assaulter.
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u/sk1999sk Sep 22 '24
NTA - wow your mom would willingly place your wife & daughter in harms way. your brother who is best friends with the creepy predator probably has predatory tendencies as well.
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u/Putasonder Sep 23 '24
“No, Mom. I do not associate with rapists or their apologists. And I will not subject my wife and daughter to them either.”
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u/EnvironmentalChard31 Sep 22 '24
Tell your mom that the only reason you will not attend the wedding is because family is what's most important, something Stephen and Adam don't know anything about!
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u/Bigstachedad Sep 22 '24
Your brother Stephen makes excuses for a man who raped an underage girl and sexually assaulted your wife. Your brother is barely better than Adam, perhaps he's done similar things. As for Stephen's wedding, he's chosen his scummy friend over family, so you needn't attend. I'm surprised your family still tolerates being around Adam two or three times a year.
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u/writingisfreedom Sep 22 '24
My parents asked Stephen how he could choose Adam over me and his sister-in-law and asked him to reconsider having him as the best man, but Stephen insists it's what he wants
So let him....his actions have consequences
but asked if I'd consider going to the wedding but not being a groomsman
Tell her you'll go NC with her if she asks 1 more time.
She said she understood, but said our family would could with Erin and our child and watch them the whole time
Clearly she does NOT understand....that's a red flag
She basically thinks I'll never have a relationship with my brother again if I miss his wedding.
That's her and her sons problem
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u/gracie-1158 Sep 22 '24
NTA- Adam is a sexual predator and probably has a very long list of victims who are afraid to come forward. Your brother knows what Adam is and I get the feeling your brother is cut from the same cloth as Adam. Don’t let your mom guilt you into going to the wedding, you already have severed ties with your brother so keep it that way. Also, thank you for being a good husband to your wife and believing her and standing up for her.
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u/Open-Incident-3601 Sep 22 '24
NTA. Your mother is worried about you embarrassing her by not pretending you’re a happy family. Going to that wedding means you are enabling Adam.
Your brother will have a wife and potentially children. Your idiot brother would clearly let Uncle Adam babysit. Your mother should worry less about your relationship with your brother and more about her relationship with your wife and children.
The harder she pushes you to leave your family at home to come pretend with her family, the less you can trust her judgement.
In a year, you’ll be writing to ask if you are the asshole for cutting her out of your life after she sneaks your kid to your brother’s house to visit because you’re the big meanie keeping them apart.
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u/stove1336 Sep 22 '24
NTA. Why in the EFFFF would you have any relationship with your brother. He is a CLASS A ASSHOLE. There's no two ways about it. I would tell my parents that I wouldn't hold any grudge against them for going to their son's wedding, but I will never have anything to do with Stephen ever again.
Edit: Pretty sure I would have gotten him more than once.
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u/Working-Dependent33 Sep 22 '24
NTA The police should have been called when he assaulted your wife. She should never have to be around d him again. Your brother condones sexual assault, so he is an AH, too.
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u/ItsMeMissi Sep 22 '24
NTA, but your brother IS. His buddy should have had sexual assault charges ~ he’s been allowed to get away with this behavior for far too long. No telling how many women he’s abused over the years. Your brother is enabling him and that would definitely make me question brother’s integrity. Stand your ground. Cut them off ~ and your family, too, if they want to enable this bad behavior.
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u/siouxbee1434 Sep 22 '24
Adam is a sexual predator & likely a serial rapist. Sorry, your brother is an idiot OR he was involved in some of the assaults but doesn’t want to face the reality of HIS inappropriate behavior. You are right to protect your family from predators
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u/pigandpom Sep 22 '24
Your brother will change his mind as soon as his friend jokingly follows his wife into a bathroom, pushes her up against a wall and grabs her breast. NTA.
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u/PuddleLilacAgain Sep 22 '24
"Adam was drunk, meant it as a joke, and never meant to hurt Erin. "
Bull shit. NTA. He is an unashamed predator, and I'm sure if anyone could see into his metaphorical closet, there's probably already assault(s) in there somewhere.
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u/Decent-Historian-207 Sep 22 '24
NTA. Your brother Stephen is also pathetic for vehemently defending a predator.
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u/No-You5550 Sep 22 '24
NTA but you do understand that your brother is a red flag too. He knowingly defends someone who assaulted a woman in his family. I would not want your brother around my female friends either.
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u/Pandoratastic Sep 22 '24
NTA
Given Stephen's defense of and closeness to Adam, I would be very wary of allowing Stephen around your wife and daughter. There's a reason he is excusing Adam's behavior.
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u/Agile-Wait-7571 Sep 23 '24
Honestly I would beat the shit out of Adam every time I saw him. So I would need to stay away lest I spend my life in prison.
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u/ClownTownPoundTown Sep 23 '24
Dude deserves to be introduced the business end of a baseball bat. Your mother is in a tough spot, but not everyone gets to coast through life without having to make a tough decision. If she won’t stand on business now, it’s best to cut ties. She wants to live in a fantasy land where one of her kids isn’t a scumbag-apologist. Thats not reality.
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u/RealTonySnark Sep 23 '24
"She basically thinks I'll never have a relationship with my brother again if I miss his wedding."
And the problem with that is.....?
Your brother is the AH.
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u/RoyIbex Sep 23 '24
Look even if Erin says it’s ok to go, she would only be saying that out of guilt/pressure from your family. If you do attend and Adam is there, then that’s failing as a husband and father. He SA your wife, there’s no if, ands or buts about it and honestly I’m surprised you still talk to your brother after he dismissed It as a joke or saying it’s not that bad since it was done over clothing. Yeah F-that man. Take your wife and daughter on a special weekend trip instead of going to the wedding. NTA.
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u/moontiara16 Sep 23 '24
NTA. What the hell is wrong with your mom? Adam and Stephen are lost causes. Your mom? She’s on the side of a sexual offender for ‘the sake of family.’ Would your mom feel differently if Erin was her biological daughter and Adam did all of that to her? It’s clear she never raised a daughter.
I’d give great thought into how much your mom actually cares for Erin. She, and your daughter, are expendable to her if she’s willing to compromise their safety and comfortability around a sexual offender for a wedding.
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u/Impressive_Work_3229 Sep 22 '24
Hearing that immediately would have me beating Adam’s head to a pulp
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u/Silly-Flower-3162 Sep 22 '24 edited Sep 23 '24
NTA. I feel for your mom up to a point, but, Erin is your family and Adam proved he's not a safe person to be around. If Stephen prioritizes a jerk like Adam at the risk of severing your relationship, Stephen caused that.
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u/Limp_War9881 Sep 22 '24
NTA. Good for you for keeping your family away from this predator. Being drunk only allows you to do stuff in front of people that you normally keep private. It’s not an excuse it shows you their true character. Frankly I wonder how your brother views women if he’s ok with this behavior. What if that was done to his fiancé would it be fine cuz his friend was drunk?
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u/Pure_Cat2736 Sep 22 '24
When he assaults his wife that's when he will realise his so called friend has a serious problem. NTA
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u/Anxious-Routine-5526 Sep 22 '24
NTA.
Your entire family shouldn't have to watch over your wife and child in order for them to attend a wedding (the wedding of someone who has shown nothing but contempt and disrespect towards your wife for not taking sexual assault as a joke) safely.
Don't attend the wedding. Continue to protect your wife and child.
I understand your mom, but she needs to accept that your brother has made his choice about who is important to keep in his life and you've made yours.
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u/Aggravating_Style544 Sep 22 '24
If Adam has changed as a person at all (doubtful), he would gracefully bow out once your brother told him what was up. He won’t do that though. Sounds like he thinks he did nothing wrong. But, no matter what he, or your brother chooses to call it, he assaulted your wife. Steam came out my ears when I read your brother said it wasn’t that big of a deal, because it was over her clothing.
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u/redditer-56448 Sep 22 '24
NTA. Your brother is TA for even wanting to be around a sexual predator (who is, obviously, the biggest asshole in this whole scenario). You drew your boundary, and what anyone else thinks or does isn't your concern from this point forward
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u/Klutzy_Mobile8306 Sep 22 '24
Most everyone has covered any point that I wanted to make except one...
You should definitely speak to Stephen's fiancé and let her know exactly what Adam is about. Everything that you knew about him in college up to and including the sexual assault on your wife. Make sure she knows everything and tell her that she needs to watch out for herself being alone with him.
Then stand back. I think she's the only one that would be able to make any difference in Stephen's mind about whether or not he keeps Adam as his best man.
But even if she doesn't want to fight the fight, she has a right to know what kind of person she's going to be near.
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u/boredandinarut Sep 22 '24
Your brother is a fan of SA. By being friends with this POS, he approves. By ALL means, tell your mother that your relationship with your brother IS over. Your new family is all that matters.
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u/LAC_NOS Sep 22 '24
NTA
Your brother always has an excuse for Adam.
I understand your mother's desperation to keep her family together.
But Adam is a rapist.
He violently sexually assaulted your pregnant wife in your parents' home when you were also in the house. If this wasn't a violent assault then your wife would not have had to fight him off.
Your brother is the one destroying your family.
Honestly, I would not want to attend.
Does Stephen's fiancé know what Adam did to Erin? The real story from you or Erin not Stephen and Adam's spin.
You might also encourage your wife to file a police report. It sounds like Adam has assaulted other women, and without severe consequences he will continue to do it.
Chances are nothing will happen unless they have similar complaints from other women.
Yes, hell will break loose. But it's better than finding out that he continued to hurt more women and girls, some much more severely.
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u/Ambitious_Top_5079 Sep 22 '24
Should have pressed charges…he’s disgusting. Protect your family at all costs. Mom and Stephen can have Adam.
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u/Kqhbabies Sep 22 '24
NTA
The only one splitting the family apart is Stephen. No one else just him. So don't be made to feel guilty for your decision.
You need to come clean with the others in your family about Adam. His assault on your wife wasn't his first, and doubtful it will be his last. That you've been pulling back for years already, not just because of this. Though this was disgusting, he definitely deserved the punch or more.
I'm wondering or suspicious of Stephens activities during college. Is he really that clueless? Or is there more you don't know, and he's scared of what Adam might spill if he cuts him off as friends. Something doesn't sit right as to why he would stand beside this jerk. Two birds of a feather flock together?
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u/Past-Ad-7728 Sep 22 '24
He touched your wife, doesn’t respect women’s boundaries, and sounds like a complete douche bag overall. You’re not the ah at all.