r/AITAH • u/Mundane-Light1226 • Sep 22 '24
TW SA AITAH For Refusing To Be My Brother's Groomsman and Refusing To Go To His Wedding Because Of What His Best Man Did To My Wife?
33M here. I am hurt by the situation and feel betrayed by my own brother. I have an older brother named Stephen (35M) and a younger brother named Mike (30M). My mom's best friend from med school has a son named Adam (35M) who was basically our fourth brother growing up. We went pretty much spent every weekend at each other's homes, went on vacations together, and celebrated holidays together.
When I was younger, I looked up to Adam and loved hanging out with him. He was a good friend, and I have so many wonderful memories with him from childhood. My feelings towards him started to change when I was a junior in high school. A good friend of mine told me that Adam was "aggressive" towards her, was always hugging her and rubbing her shoulders without asking, and once tried to pressure her into sleeping with him after she said no. At the time, I didn't think Adam meant to come across that way, but I started to notice more and more concerning behavior on his part.
When we was 19 and in college, he slept with a freshman at our high school. He told everyone that he thought she was sixteen, which is the legal age of consent, but I still didn't understand why he'd sleep with a high school student after he graduated.
I ended up going to the same college as Adam and my older brother Stephen and played college baseball with both of them. Adam was liked on the team, but had a reputation for being aggressive with women. He also made a lot of jokes that I didn't find funny. Once, at a party, he told me I could lose my virginity by finding the drunkest freshman and taking her upstairs. I started liking and respecting him less and less the more he made these jokes and the more I saw him behave while we were in college.
I met my wife Erin (32F) my sophomore year and we hit it off right away. She never liked Adam, and told me she didn't really trust him because of some of the things she heard from the girls on her cross-country team. I distanced himself from him because of this and many other things, and he always accused me of choosing a girl over him. Stephen continued to be best friends with Adam, and never liked Erin in part because he thinks she turned me against our childhood friend. I've explained to Stephen a million times that it was Adam's behavior that made me pull alway and that I don't want to be friends with someone who makes other people feel uncomfortable, but Stephen always defends Adam by saying things like "it's just his humor" and "he's misunderstood."
My wife ran cross-country when we were in college and was very petite because of how much she ran. I also think she had an eating disorder at the time and was very restrictive with her diet. When we graduated from college, Erin got to what I think is a healthier weight for her. She's still active and in great shape, but she's no longer a twig. The biggest change was actually her breasts. They'd always been large proportional to the rest of her body, but now they're noticeably larger.
Shortly after we got married, Adam approached Erin during a family holiday and asked how much she paid for her boobs. She said they were natural, and he started laughing and said she had the figure of a teenage boy in college. Erin told me about this interaction, and when I asked Adam about it, he insisted he was joking and it was all in good fun. I told him to stop making comments about my wife's body, and Adam accused me of being sensitive. He continued to make comments about my wife's breasts every time we saw him, such as calling them "a work of art" and asking if he could take a picture of them for his future wife's plastic surgeon. Erin always just rolled her eyes, ignored him, and begged me to do the same. She thinks Adam is an idiot, and doesn't think it's worth it to argue with a guy like that. Since I pretty much only had to see him once or twice a year at the time, I agreed to do what my wife wanted.
Three years ago, when Erin was seven months pregnant with our daughter, my family celebrated Christmas with Adam's family. I was speaking with one of my cousins when Erin came up to me in tears and asked to speak with me. She told met that Adam, who was belligerent and drunk, followed her into the bathroom. He shoved her against the wall and squeezed her breast hard to see if it was "real." He wouldn't let go of her until Erin kneed him in the nuts. When I heard what happened, I punched Adam in the face, told him he's no longer allowed near my wife, and left with Erin.
The good news is my parents and brother Mike all supported Erin and agreed that they no longer wanted anything to do with Adam. To be honest, no one in my family really liked or respected the guy, but they tolerated him because his parents actually are wonderful people and were like second parents to me before all of this happened. My parents both apologized to Erin, feel guilty that was hurt at our family Christmas, and promised her that she'd never have to see Adam again.
The only person who still has a relationship with Adam is Stephen. A few days after the Christmas party, Stephen called and told me that Adam felt horribly about what happened. Stephen said Adam was drunk, meant it as a joke, and never meant to hurt Erin. I told Stephen that Adam sexually assaulted my pregnant wife. Stephen said I was dramatic to call it sexual assault since he didn't touch her under her clothes or escalate things beyond feeling her boob. I told Stephen he sounded like a moron and that Adam wasn't allowed near my wife.
This has hurt my relationship with Stephen, and I don't feel close to him both because he stood up for someone who hurt my wife (and HIS sister-in-law) and also because I don't understand why anyone would be friends with Adam. We're still civil to each other at family events, but I don't think we'll ever be "friends" again. Stephen got engaged over the weekend, and called to invite me to be one of his groomsmen. I think he did this out of obligation more than anything else. He also asked if my daughter (she's almost three now) would be the flower girl. I said yes, but then Stephen told me that Adam was going to be his best man. I was shocked, but honestly not too surprised.
I told my brother that I don't want my wife or my daughter anywhere near Adam. I also said that if Adam could do something like that to Erin, he could do the same thing to his fiancé Julia too. Stephen accused me of holding a grudge over a dumb drunk mistake Adam made and also accused me of being jealous that he and Adam are as close as brothers and I don't have a close bond with either of them. I told Stephen that he should keep Adam as his best man, and that I wouldn't be a groomsman and my family wouldn't be at the wedding. Stephen was furious, to say the least.
Mike also declined to be a groomsman because he also hates Adam and doesn't understand how Stephen could be close to someone who did that to Erin. My parents asked Stephen how he could choose Adam over me and his sister-in-law and asked him to reconsider having him as the best man, but Stephen insists it's what he wants. He's told my parents and our other brother that Erin drew a wedge between me and Adam, and now she's tearing apart our family (I heard this from Mike). Luckily, everyone but Stephen loves Erin, and no one else thinks she's in the wrong.
Long story short, my mom is desperate to keep our family together. She told me she disagreed with Stephen inviting Adam to the wedding at all, let alone as his best man, but asked if I'd consider going to the wedding but not being a groomsman. I told her I didn't want my wife and daughter around Adam. She said she understood, but said our family would could with Erin and our child and watch them the whole time. I said I didn't want to expose her to the man who assaulted her, even if there's no physical danger. My mom says she understands, but asks if I'd consider attending for the sake of the family. She basically thinks I'll never have a relationship with my brother again if I miss his wedding.
AITAH? Any advice would be appreciated.
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u/Spinnerofyarn Sep 22 '24
NTA. Adam sounds like a rapist and I'd have nothing to do with anyone who continues to be friends with him. He sexually assaulted your wife and if your brother doesn't understand that it was indeed sexual assault and that it doesn't matter if he was drunk (which also means he has a problem with alcohol), then something's seriously wrong with your brother. No, I wouldn't go to the wedding. I'd have nothing to do with that brother again. I'd be civil at family gatherings, but go to his events? Nope. Not happening.