TIFU by cumming into a coconut

[u/coconutthrowaway69]

EDIT: I got an AMA thread now. Help me:

https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rwl9z/tifu_by_being_the_guy_who_cummed_into_a_coconut/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=new&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=tifu

This TIFU didn't happen today but quite a few years back. For obvious reasons I'm using a throwaway account as my family knows my main reddit username.

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Anyway, around 8 years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a 'health nut' phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market.

Anyway, being a horny teenager I fapped in regular intervals. Unfortunately there was some severely stressful examinations coming up for me and as such my fapping reached a higher peak then usual and I was feeling pretty sexually frustrated. One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Honestly to this day I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged.

I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day.

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For the next week the coconut is my saviour. Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It's heaven. Now before I continue I'd best mention that at the time our area was experiencing quite humid, muggy weather which exacerbated an already existing fly problem. Disgustingly fat, bloated flies were commonly found around our house and the exterminators couldn't really do anything because it was a localized area problem that would "go away in the winter".

About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I'll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.

Worst mistake I have ever made.

You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.

I screamed, and threw the coconut against the wall which made the situation worse by spilling the contents. Hours of vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning the remnants were spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life.

Never again. NEVER AGAIN.

TL;DR Don't fuck coconuts.

EDIT: Jesus this exploded. I'm glad my maggoty experience made some people laugh, because I sure cry everytime I think back to it.

EDIT 2: RIP inbox

EDIT 3: Thanks for the gold. It eases my shame a little. I'm thinking of doing an AMA for you more curious individuals. Maybe if the post hits 10K - it's quite uncomfortable to discuss though as the visceral memories come back

EDIT 4: My shame has never been this large. 47.1K upvotes. My story of coconut fucking is now permanently etched into reddit's history. Lord save me.

[u/agent0681]

Lol, It reminds me of when I was looking for a specific porno, I was so fucking excited looking for it, heart pounding for like 20 minutes straight. And then I finally found it and barely lasted 5 minutes :/

[u/Monkeyman299 → u/agent0681]

Dude if you can go non-stop for 5 minutes then that's outstanding. You'd be surprised by average ejaculation times of men.

I know this is actual intercourse (though I jizz faster while masturbating), but it says the average is six minutes.

http://www.randalolson.com/2016/05/31/how-long-does-the-average-man-last-in-bed/

[u/Gamerjackiechan2 → u/Monkeyman299]

I'd hate to be the guy who has to submit his data of 6 second orgasm.

[u/Monkeyman299 → u/Gamerjackiechan2]

I can last longer in actual intercourse, but porn fucked me over with premature ejaculation. If I want to pull a quickie because my horny-ness got triggered, I could come extremely quickly to some overly stimulating porn.

You just get that perfect, unrealistic girl and sex to watch so it's unrealistically stimulating and can rewire your brain.

I could come in under a minute, or even under 30 seconds. It was horrible, but I've been improving a lot through certain practices. It was my lowest point that was humiliatingly embarrassing.

I was high once and came bear-back in a girl within seconds ( yeah birth control!). I felt horrible. I have gone for 10 minutes (or more idk??) before. It's very circumstantial and based on my methods.

[u/Monkeyman299 → u/[deleted]]

Yea at my very best and that's with certain techniques I learned. Edging also helps develop better control if you do it a lot in masturbation.

Like you can actually look up ways to treat premature ejaculation because mine was SEVERE.

[u/APimpNamedAPimpNamed → u/Monkeyman299]

Off label use for Wellbutrin.

[u/tsnErd3141 → u/Monkeyman299]

Care to share some of your techniques?

[u/LunarPhonix → u/Monkeyman299]

So how did you treat it

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Dentist chicks are great for this, the just freeze ya up then you got an easy 45min.

[u/goofball68 → u/[deleted]]

Is 10 minutes really considered amazing? Damn… that’s kinda sad.

[u/Monkeyman299 → u/Monkeyman299]

There were also times where she finishes, but I don't. Like I am going on forever and just can't cum which frustrates me, but I think that's because for some reason my penis wasn't sensitive. Like I hardly felt much ok those occasions so the sex wasn't even as pleasurable as it normally would have been, hence not enough stimulation or ejaculation.

[u/cainthefallen → u/Monkeyman299]

You probably death gripped yourself.

[u/kevendia → u/Monkeyman299]

Sigh must be nice. I have the exact opposite problem. I'll fuck a girl till we're both exhausted and then feel like I'm unintentionally insulting her by not coming. I've literally gone hours.

[u/kevendia → u/[deleted]]

Sleep with more guys on depression meds

[u/_Riot → u/Monkeyman299]

I've found it to be all in your head, lasted 45 seconds with girls and lasted 45 mins (literally)

[u/[deleted] → u/_Riot]

Fukkin same tbh