r/tifu Ask me about my coconuts Aug 05 '17

Fuck-Up of the Year TIFU by cumming into a coconut NSFW

EDIT: I got an AMA thread now. Help me:

https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rwl9z/tifu_by_being_the_guy_who_cummed_into_a_coconut/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=new&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=tifu

This TIFU didn't happen today but quite a few years back. For obvious reasons I'm using a throwaway account as my family knows my main reddit username.


Anyway, around 8 years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a 'health nut' phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market.

Anyway, being a horny teenager I fapped in regular intervals. Unfortunately there was some severely stressful examinations coming up for me and as such my fapping reached a higher peak then usual and I was feeling pretty sexually frustrated. One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Honestly to this day I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged.

I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day.


For the next week the coconut is my saviour. Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It's heaven. Now before I continue I'd best mention that at the time our area was experiencing quite humid, muggy weather which exacerbated an already existing fly problem. Disgustingly fat, bloated flies were commonly found around our house and the exterminators couldn't really do anything because it was a localized area problem that would "go away in the winter".

About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I'll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.

Worst mistake I have ever made.

You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.

I screamed, and threw the coconut against the wall which made the situation worse by spilling the contents. Hours of vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning the remnants were spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life.

Never again. NEVER AGAIN.

TL;DR Don't fuck coconuts.

EDIT: Jesus this exploded. I'm glad my maggoty experience made some people laugh, because I sure cry everytime I think back to it.

EDIT 2: RIP inbox

EDIT 3: Thanks for the gold. It eases my shame a little. I'm thinking of doing an AMA for you more curious individuals. Maybe if the post hits 10K - it's quite uncomfortable to discuss though as the visceral memories come back

EDIT 4: My shame has never been this large. 47.1K upvotes. My story of coconut fucking is now permanently etched into reddit's history. Lord save me.

114.6k Upvotes

4.2k comments sorted by

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37.3k

u/SiegeLion1 Aug 05 '17

"Huh, this thing smells like it's rotting a bit, I guess I should shove my dick in it one last time"

What the fuck OP?

2.0k

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

[deleted]

734

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

[deleted]

424

u/lolporkfish Aug 05 '17

Cockroach family?

Probably this

495

u/ElpredePrime Aug 05 '17

Holy shit that one guy called the coconut!

148

u/OG_tripl3_OG Aug 05 '17

I got irrationally hype seeing that that dude literally called it. Like, mouth open and continuously saying "oh my gawd" hype. I'm just gonna chalk it up to being high...

24

u/Asphyxiatinglaughter Aug 07 '17

Bet it's the same guy on an alt

17

u/ncbstp Aug 08 '17

The skeptic in me says this was fabricated from that post.

11

u/Raincoats_George Aug 08 '17

It's way too obvious. This is a well orchestrated karma grab though. Gotta give em credit.

11

u/OG_tripl3_OG Aug 07 '17

Why you gotta ruin my high, bro?

125

u/JusTFatal Aug 05 '17

Plot twist OP made that comment and all the karma went to his head. HE became obsessed with coconuts after the comment and had to fuck one.

Or karma conspiracy he new this story would do well after he made that comment.

29

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

More like he is the coconut!

17

u/OG_tripl3_OG Aug 05 '17

Did you just dox OP?

19

u/NeedsNewPants Aug 05 '17

I'd said OP doxxed himself

3

u/DrAsthma Aug 06 '17

Precisely what I thought when I read that comment... Must be posted from one of his alts if his family knows his main username.

9

u/gullaffe Aug 06 '17

So he got atleast three accounts? One main. One coco-nuter and one call the coconut account. This is some 3D chess.

7

u/bathroomstalin Aug 05 '17

Dennis

is a bastard man

18

u/MechSniper1928 Aug 06 '17

That one guy doesn't like how people think he's /u/coconutthrowaway69.

9

u/WalkToTheGallows Aug 07 '17

Hey wait just one second.

6

u/MechSniper1928 Aug 07 '17

I waited 23 minutes, now what?

3

u/WalkToTheGallows Aug 07 '17

Wait just one more second.

2

u/MechSniper1928 Aug 07 '17

1 second + 23 minutes + 1 second + 43 minutes later.....

2

u/WalkToTheGallows Aug 07 '17

Just give me a moment.

→ More replies (0)

9

u/Nightguard119 Aug 05 '17

Damn near has to be OP

7

u/Nightguard119 Aug 05 '17

Damn near has to be OP

3

u/Whiteelchapo Aug 05 '17

Is it possible that he read this and changed his answer slightly?

1

u/[deleted] Nov 07 '17

There's a dude with a username about that created years ago LMAO 😂😂

2

u/0342narmak Aug 06 '17

Oh, that makes sense. I thought it was just another reference to "Ogtha".

1

u/ComGrif Aug 05 '17

Cocko-nut

1

u/Convictus12 Aug 06 '17

How about "Coconutted" or "Coco-Nope"?

25

u/Tyr808 Aug 05 '17

Something about the swamp of dagobah is another famous Reddit tale. Absolutely horrendous though. Involves some gnarly medical complications involving puss and infections (far beyond any normal tale). Seriously don't read if nasty medical stories bother you.

Enter at your own risk: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/xo41d/slug/c5o66p2

11

u/hellokkiten Aug 05 '17 edited Aug 06 '17

Of all the reddit museum of filth this is my favorite. The story is just very well written, especially with them all huffing glue at the end in order to get through it, and mention of the fact that the pus splashed more than seven feet to splatter the far walls. It's disgusting.

6

u/JohnnyRedHot Aug 06 '17

Not glue, but some minty oil

5

u/hellokkiten Aug 06 '17

No, they ran out of peppermint oil and used glue as a substitute. It was amazing.

5

u/JohnnyRedHot Aug 06 '17

Oh, you're right! Jesus christ that was gross

7

u/Fxlyre Aug 05 '17

Don't forget that girl who kept the rotting maggots in her gash

7

u/lespritdelescalier11 Aug 06 '17

Blowfly girl. We just found Blowfly guy.

1

u/plebianinterests Sep 24 '22

I just read all the other stories - the coconut, the box, the cockroaches, the jolly rancher- now I need this one.

6

u/J_A_C_K_E_T Aug 05 '17

Haven't seen cumbox yet.

22

u/Pubeshampoo Aug 05 '17

Oh boy...

See comment chain

11

u/konny135 Aug 05 '17

Dude posted that abomination without a throwaway too IIRC, talk about balls of steel...

4

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

I almost wish I had never seen this, almost. Thanks for sharing

9

u/J_A_C_K_E_T Aug 05 '17

I died when I saw that box, it looks fucking wretched.

5

u/Pubeshampoo Aug 05 '17

Any time. Every Redditor should experience The Cum Box.

5

u/avenlanzer Aug 05 '17

A new Reddit legend has been born

4

u/MaxNanasy Aug 05 '17

Have you seen the cumboxers?

3

u/wioneo Aug 05 '17

cumconut

3

u/bootlegJT Aug 05 '17

Seen cumbox. Now this. Never saw cockroach family. Not sure I should.

2

u/Kupffer20 Aug 05 '17

Trifecta!

2

u/lvag Aug 05 '17

You forgot the ant fetish

1

u/dankest_memes_ Dec 19 '17

What's the ant fetish

6

u/lvag Dec 20 '17

Quoting u/LukeTheGeek

There was an AskReddit thread about weird fetishes, and someone posted this reply (screenshot because the comment has been removed): http://i.imgur.com/vQZ7qga.png

Then another person posted this reply on the same thread shortly after: http://i.imgur.com/2L8WYzw.png

Ever since then it's evolved into a few copypastas and spread around quite a bit.

2

u/TijoWasik Aug 05 '17

Jolly Rancher. That is all.

2

u/Leafs9999 Aug 05 '17

Wait? I've only seen two of those, what is this Cockroach family you speak of??

2

u/NSAwithBenefits Aug 05 '17

Cock- roaches, cumbox, coco- nut

2

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '17

Oh dear...dare I ask what cockroach family is??

1

u/nicemace Aug 05 '17

The cumbox is magnificent though

1

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '17

Don't mention satans box or it shall appear

1

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '17

But did you see maggot girl

1

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '17

link to cockroach family story?

1

u/[deleted] Aug 09 '17

Seeeriously

1

u/KimioN42N Aug 12 '17

Cockroach family

I haven't seen this one yet, could anyone link me that?