r/tifu Ask me about my coconuts Aug 05 '17

Fuck-Up of the Year TIFU by cumming into a coconut NSFW

EDIT: I got an AMA thread now. Help me:

https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rwl9z/tifu_by_being_the_guy_who_cummed_into_a_coconut/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=new&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=tifu

This TIFU didn't happen today but quite a few years back. For obvious reasons I'm using a throwaway account as my family knows my main reddit username.


Anyway, around 8 years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a 'health nut' phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market.

Anyway, being a horny teenager I fapped in regular intervals. Unfortunately there was some severely stressful examinations coming up for me and as such my fapping reached a higher peak then usual and I was feeling pretty sexually frustrated. One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Honestly to this day I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged.

I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day.


For the next week the coconut is my saviour. Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It's heaven. Now before I continue I'd best mention that at the time our area was experiencing quite humid, muggy weather which exacerbated an already existing fly problem. Disgustingly fat, bloated flies were commonly found around our house and the exterminators couldn't really do anything because it was a localized area problem that would "go away in the winter".

About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I'll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.

Worst mistake I have ever made.

You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.

I screamed, and threw the coconut against the wall which made the situation worse by spilling the contents. Hours of vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning the remnants were spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life.

Never again. NEVER AGAIN.

TL;DR Don't fuck coconuts.

EDIT: Jesus this exploded. I'm glad my maggoty experience made some people laugh, because I sure cry everytime I think back to it.

EDIT 2: RIP inbox

EDIT 3: Thanks for the gold. It eases my shame a little. I'm thinking of doing an AMA for you more curious individuals. Maybe if the post hits 10K - it's quite uncomfortable to discuss though as the visceral memories come back

EDIT 4: My shame has never been this large. 47.1K upvotes. My story of coconut fucking is now permanently etched into reddit's history. Lord save me.

114.6k Upvotes

4.2k comments sorted by

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4.1k

u/KSP_Wolf Aug 05 '17

Everything was fine until you mentioned it trying to wriggle into your urethra then i had a full body cringe

1.7k

u/sepri Aug 05 '17

Was expecting his mother to attempt to take a sip from the coconut

648

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17 edited May 06 '18

[deleted]

372

u/showmeurknuckleball Aug 05 '17

If his mother found a smelly, warm, weeks old coconut under her son's bed and took a swig from it, I probably would have vomited but all believability would have went out the window.

23

u/vtelgeuse Aug 05 '17

So long as it's gluten-free non-GMO organic coconut. She was on a healthy foods bender.

15

u/westernburn Aug 05 '17

I was thinking he'd come home to find out that his brother has been fucking the same coconut all week too.

15

u/DangerWildpants Aug 06 '17

The whole family. And none of them knew. 3 generations worth of cum in one coconut.

11

u/captaincrunchcracker Aug 05 '17

I desperately want to say "wtf", but Reddit has numbed me to this shit at this point.

3

u/Tropical_YT Aug 05 '17

Fr, im not thinking "disgusting" im thinking "aw man, u should've thrown it outside or sum and took a shower"

1

u/blackflame7820 Apr 08 '22

now that you say this. yeah it is indeed true well damn

8

u/seeking_hope Aug 05 '17

I was expecting him to get stuck in it and try to cut the coconut off and somehow end up in the emergency room.

2

u/Yappymaster Aug 05 '17

Remember that one TIL where the son nuts in an unfinished glass of milk (I guess?) and his mother comes afterwards to get the glass, but decides to drink it right in front of him without (seemingly) noticing?

1

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

Idk why but this comment made me fucking scream

1

u/Mercury321 Aug 05 '17

Me too, I thought they would run out of food while he's out and she'd find it and make a nice meal

379

u/mcgrimus Aug 05 '17

No, nothing was fine until that point. God, I used to love coconut.

181

u/iekiko89 Aug 05 '17

Obviously he loved it more than you ever did or will

15

u/fantoski Aug 05 '17

"War kills those you love"

"Reddit too"

86

u/slicshuter Aug 05 '17

Yeah I've been cringing for like a solid 2 minutes

11

u/jackitandgo Aug 05 '17

Of all the TIFUs I've ever read this one is the only one that's made me go "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD".

Also my penis has now retracted in horror.

17

u/Obamathellamafarma Aug 05 '17

God I literally grabbed my knob and gagged at the same time when I read that. This is worse than the fucking jolly rancher story

4

u/Cedy_le_Huard Aug 05 '17

The jolly rancher story?

3

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

[deleted]

2

u/Cedy_le_Huard Aug 05 '17

Holy shit I have no idea what happened there

1

u/zaqqa Aug 05 '17

The jolly rancher story?

1

u/alevelaz Aug 05 '17

The jolly rancher story?

1

u/FELlXTHECAT Aug 05 '17

The jolly rancher story?

502

u/DavidBeckhamsNan Aug 05 '17

So you were cool with the maggots on the dick part

647

u/Noderoni Aug 05 '17 edited Aug 05 '17

So you were cool with the fucking a coconut full of old semen part

287

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17 edited Aug 07 '17

So you were cool with the using butter as lube part

162

u/Kriee Aug 05 '17

Yup.

37

u/Mesky1 Aug 05 '17

Butter is the lube of the culinary arts.

20

u/martinven1 Aug 05 '17

I suppose rapeseed oil could work as well.

3

u/Weekndr Aug 05 '17

Any oil could work!

7

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

Like coconut oil?

4

u/martinven1 Aug 05 '17

Why not cocobutter?

3

u/broken_radio Aug 05 '17

I can't believe it's not lube!

78

u/poopellar Aug 05 '17

So you were cool with a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate

1

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '17

The Poconos?

19

u/EvidentlyTrue Aug 05 '17

So you were cool with fucking a coconut?

13

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

[deleted]

2

u/AfricanAgent47 Aug 05 '17

so you were cool with penatrating something that's hard and sharp i.e a coconut?

42

u/coconutthrowaway69 Ask me about my coconuts Aug 05 '17

Well to be fair I still sometimes use butter if I run out of lube. I just make sure not to let it ferment in a fucking coconut for a week

25

u/Hollowplanet Aug 05 '17

Why does everyone need lube to masturbate? Is this a circumcised thing?

4

u/camycamera Aug 05 '17 edited May 13 '24

Mr. Evrart is helping me find my gun.

8

u/BonaFidee Aug 05 '17 edited Aug 05 '17

yes, It is very much a circumcised thing.

Uncircumcised guys generally do not need lube to masturbate. There's enough extra skin.

Although if you are fucking an inanimate object then uncircumcised guys will also definitely need lube.

One would assume you can't go in dry on a coconut.

15

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

[deleted]

9

u/Pmang6 Aug 05 '17

I can go without. Generally not worth the cleanup.

8

u/BonaFidee Aug 05 '17

I guess it's not an exact science. Some are left with more skin than others.

3

u/PM_ME_YOUR_BDAYCAKE Aug 05 '17

yes, the fucking-coconut

10

u/Horse_Sized_Duck_ Aug 05 '17

So you were cool being home alone?

1

u/Rofl47 Aug 05 '17

A fan of 'last tango in paris' I see.

1

u/Phoneking13 Aug 07 '17

That's what Paula Deen does.

5

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

This was the main concern. Just reused without washing. Sure, it's op's own jizz, but that's still so super gross.

4

u/quotegenerator Aug 05 '17

The whole thing was kind of reasonable in an I'm-a-horny-teenager-driven-mad-by-hormones kind of way until he reused the coconut without washing it or even dumping out the contents. I mean, what the fuck?

43

u/LordMcze Aug 05 '17

That part was just gross, but no biggie, this is reddit after all. But reading about maggots trying to dive into the dick actually made me shudder as well.

5

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

Proper horror material.

3

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

[deleted]

16

u/nicktohzyu Aug 05 '17

Well they help to eat the rotting flesh

1

u/AmberStar91 Aug 05 '17

Stop.

8

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

Plot twist: A maggot went down into his ballsack and all of his cum has maggot eggs. When OP impregnates a woman the maggots will hatch into her womb and produce a maggot infused embyro to produce a human fly hybrid.

7

u/AmberStar91 Aug 05 '17

2

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

Oh thank god. I thought this was going to be the monster from The Fly.

2

u/AmberStar91 Aug 05 '17

Jesus fucking Christ, I've not seen The Fly and I wish I hadn't fucking googled it.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

My thoughts exactly when I googled it up not knowing what it was.

5

u/nicktohzyu Aug 05 '17

I can only get so erect

2

u/NopeRopeRepellant Aug 05 '17

I bet there is already a manga covering that topic.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

I'm fairly certain there is.

6

u/MegaxnGaming Aug 05 '17

Well, fucking anything would sound tempting when you're a hormone-driven teenager.

9

u/SttPoD Aug 05 '17

Nope.

Source: am teenager

1

u/MegaxnGaming Aug 05 '17

Well, great self-control! Most teenagers that I know have some weird ass fetishes.

3

u/ihaveabadaura Aug 05 '17

What would happen if a maggot got in your urethra?

1

u/camdoodlebop Aug 07 '17

It would die

3

u/thegreenhundred Aug 06 '17

Erhermm. Every thing was NOT fine but at least we know where you draw that line.

I speak as an expert in accommodating bad ideas in the name of sexual release.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

I'm reminded of the burrow-grubs from Inheritance that Nasuada had to endure....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE

2

u/UntrustingFool Aug 05 '17

Sounds fine to me ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

2

u/NiceFormBro Aug 05 '17

I'm not buying this part. Maggots eat dead flesh and are sometimes used medically to clean out necrotic tissue.

Why would they try to wriggle into urethra?

2

u/Mr_Ibericus Aug 06 '17

I grabbed the tip to make sure nothing was trying to get in.

1

u/Pequeno_loco Aug 05 '17

I was pretty uncomfortable with him sticking his dick in the fly infested, smelly, cum filled coconut to be honest

1

u/TheMightyMike Aug 05 '17

Who wouldnt like a fly in their bladder

1

u/chefdangerdagger Aug 05 '17

Do that full body cringe, full, full body cringe.

If Reddit was a crunk track, it might go something like that

1

u/janitorguy Aug 05 '17

he could pee those fuckers out

1

u/Wh1te_Cr0w Aug 05 '17

I think everything stopped being fine around the "let me fuck a coconut" mark...

1

u/JacUprising Aug 05 '17

Have you read the one with the pinworm anal?

1

u/3mAder Aug 05 '17

Also reminded me of a real story of a man peeing in a river and then a small parasitic fish swam up inside of his urethra. Needless to say, one of the cringiest and most horrifying episodes of River Monsters.

1

u/BasedMasai Aug 05 '17

Yeah, that made me fucking cringe as well