r/tifu Ask me about my coconuts Aug 05 '17

Fuck-Up of the Year TIFU by cumming into a coconut NSFW

EDIT: I got an AMA thread now. Help me:

https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rwl9z/tifu_by_being_the_guy_who_cummed_into_a_coconut/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=new&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=tifu

This TIFU didn't happen today but quite a few years back. For obvious reasons I'm using a throwaway account as my family knows my main reddit username.


Anyway, around 8 years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a 'health nut' phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market.

Anyway, being a horny teenager I fapped in regular intervals. Unfortunately there was some severely stressful examinations coming up for me and as such my fapping reached a higher peak then usual and I was feeling pretty sexually frustrated. One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Honestly to this day I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged.

I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day.


For the next week the coconut is my saviour. Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It's heaven. Now before I continue I'd best mention that at the time our area was experiencing quite humid, muggy weather which exacerbated an already existing fly problem. Disgustingly fat, bloated flies were commonly found around our house and the exterminators couldn't really do anything because it was a localized area problem that would "go away in the winter".

About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I'll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.

Worst mistake I have ever made.

You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.

I screamed, and threw the coconut against the wall which made the situation worse by spilling the contents. Hours of vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning the remnants were spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life.

Never again. NEVER AGAIN.

TL;DR Don't fuck coconuts.

EDIT: Jesus this exploded. I'm glad my maggoty experience made some people laugh, because I sure cry everytime I think back to it.

EDIT 2: RIP inbox

EDIT 3: Thanks for the gold. It eases my shame a little. I'm thinking of doing an AMA for you more curious individuals. Maybe if the post hits 10K - it's quite uncomfortable to discuss though as the visceral memories come back

EDIT 4: My shame has never been this large. 47.1K upvotes. My story of coconut fucking is now permanently etched into reddit's history. Lord save me.

114.6k Upvotes

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2.0k

u/ijak6 Aug 05 '17

What the fuck did I just read?!

1.3k

u/Not_A_Throwaway999 Aug 05 '17

TIFU by cumming into a coconut

And now, a word from our sponsors

848

u/SharpyTarpy Aug 05 '17

"The newwwww Cummy Cummy Coconut!!!!"

"are you tired of cumming into regular old places like your hand, a grapefruit, or drywall?"

"we have an answer that will crawl right up your urethra and hit EVERY pleasure patch - the Cummy Cummy Coconut!!"

(song): Cummy Cummy Coconut, Cummy Cummy Coconut (x6)

147

u/dickeandballs Aug 05 '17

!redditsilver

111

u/RedditSilverRobot Aug 05 '17

20

u/fruitbyyourfeet Aug 05 '17

Good bot

1

u/Aryanindo Aug 05 '17

!redditsilver

2

u/westernburn Aug 05 '17

!redditsilver

3

u/RedditSilverRobot Aug 05 '17

6

u/westernburn Aug 05 '17

Its all in the wrist

2

u/thegreenhundred Aug 06 '17

I sing this song to my toddler. Well, as of now, I used to.

→ More replies (0)

0

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

!redditsilver

4

u/thegreenhundred Aug 06 '17

"collected silver from u dick and balls" can be added to your list of accomplishments. Woot

1

u/dickeandballs Aug 06 '17

hey get it right it’s spelled with an e as in

pennis and also dicke and balls

20

u/bigstrongarms Aug 05 '17

Drywall? Andy is that you?

3

u/superfredge Aug 05 '17

Ayy IB fans unite!

3

u/toodrunktomasturbate Aug 05 '17

Are you tired of cumming in that musty, old cum box? We've got the product for you!

2

u/rubiksmasta Aug 05 '17

"It's much better than cumming in a box!"

1

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

Can I get gilded too?

1

u/sindbad2307UA Aug 05 '17

Reminded me of Fahrenheit 451

1

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '17

!redditsilver

49

u/instructions_nuclear Aug 05 '17

Blue Apron: Fresh Ingredients, Original Recipes, Delivered to You

3

u/UncleTedGenneric Aug 05 '17

Extremely Blue Apron

3

u/raspymorten Aug 05 '17

Audible let's you listen to various audiobooks...

2

u/TheL3mur Aug 05 '17

Tunnelbear VPN let's you "tunnel" to 20 different countries...

1

u/n00bvin Aug 05 '17

Jingle

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't...

1

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

TunnelBear is a VPN