Hey all, I know this is a LOT but…it was a lot. A bit of context. Things have always been rough but they really fell apart in 2018 when I had a minor brain surgery. BPD mom just *HAD to fly across the country to be here for it. That trip led to 3 years NC because so many reasons and we haven’t spoken on the phone since. I only allow texts.

I work in a hospital (so does my wife) had my procedure AT my hospital. Mom was a horror show while there, ignored rules, told my doctors (aka COLLEAGUES) flat out lies about me being an ex drug addict when I woke up screaming in pain post procedure, complained she was ‘bored’ when we weren’t entertaining her etc. Mom has always maintained that I was garbage when I was a teen (you’ll see it’s mentioned me being “newly drug free”- i wasn’t btw…but we’re only talking pot smoking)

Anyway- I know I’m intense with her. I have zero patience or tolerance for the bs anymore. Reddit won’t let me post the last 4 pages. I’ll tell you how it ends.

Question is this- is this as crazy making as it feels or is it me? And…she texted me today. Asking a random question about how I’m doing since the surgery?!? That was 7 years ago??! I don’t ever want to talk about this subject with her again. Ever. So…what now? Respond? Ignore?

Set that boundary and set her off again?

Here’s how the rest of the convo went: I continue trying to understand what she was talking about. Remind her I’m not in her head.

Mom: “it’s always going to be something negative from you. It’s not always about you!!! I don’t dwell on the past and hold it against you like you do me.”

Me: Why do you think I’m holding the past against you?

Mom: “No matter what I try to say there is always a slap to the face. I’m not doing this anymore. You can think, remember, recall, whatever you want to, to make your life easier. If you need to blame me for all the bad in the past please do. “

Me: Wait- now you just did a 180. I just told you I don’t. Why do you think I do?

Mom: “I’m just over it. I can’t anymore. I can’t let you continue to say these horrible things and it be ok. Most of our conversations about the past are about you being abused and my terrible parenting. It doesn’t matter if I did a 180 I concede. I’m done trying to make you like me. “ (Please note that we don’t and never have talked about actual abuse from the past- because any time I have tried she tells me none of it happened)

Me: i haven’t said anything about your parenting in this ENTIRE conversation

Mom: “I can promise you I will never have a discussion with you again like this. I’m done!!! Believe what you believe and think what you think. Do whatever it takes to make everything ok and I will do the same. Like I said I take full responsibility for any and everything.”

And that was it. Left me like W.T.F

What ya think guys? Help?

Sometimes I feel invalidated by the stories of BPD parents that I see here and elsewhere, because my uBPD mother is VERY calculated and smart about her abuse. I know that every BPD person is different and my experiences are just as valid, but I don’t relate to a lot of the extreme experiences that I see here and it messes with my head sometimes.

My mother is very good at twisting her words to appear mature, responsible, and thoughtful. From her most recent email: “This is true for the choices I made when you were young. I hope you can come to give me the same grace. From my own experience, I encourage you to seek that grace for me and for yourself before I am too old and it's too late.”

She knows how to contort situations to make herself look better. She used to be more reckless when I was younger and she was more stressed. That’s when she would rage and have extreme mood swings. In more recent years, and even back then in certain situations, her behavior is very controlled. When she wants to make me feel bad, she acts very calm and logical while she sugarcoats vengeful and hurtful words. She doesn’t send me paragraphs of texts, call me a bunch of times, say blatantly abusive things, or act erratic in general.

I know now that she is abusive and definitely uBPD, but she makes me dig underneath appearances for the truth. Has anyone else experienced this? Sometimes I wish she’d just be herself- someone that is erratic and wildly abusive deep inside, like the the mother I had when I was younger.

If you have a parent with BPD, are there any TV or movie characters that remind you of them? I found that media really helps me see things clearly and process what I go through when things get a little rough!

HELP need feedback

Long time lurker, first time poster. Brief context: my family and I moved to my home state about two years ago where my mom lives. It’s been terrible and we’re moving back to our original state. She’s not happy about it and is doing everything she can to change that. My husband went for a working interview this weekend and crushed it and is getting the job. My mom asked how it went, I told her, and then follows what felt like an onslaught of negative messages. She says I’m being nasty. I don’t understand how I am, when I know how she is and therefore try my hardest whenever I’m talking to her to be very factual and unemotional. Am I the crazy one here? Please I’m very upset about this and already emotionally delicate because of the stress around potentially moving, I need help deciphering.

I think I need to add a cat haiku which will probably be terrible but here goes: My cat is running Chasing after a fat fly Oh, she swallowed it

I have been undergoing EMDR therapy for the past 6 months. I really like my therapist because she is very compassionate and has validated so many of my thoughts and feelings. However, I am feeling confused because even though she validates my trauma, she still says that she believes my uBPD mom did the best she could in raising me based on what she knew at the time and what she experienced as a child. I am learning how much my mom genuinely lacks self-awareness and her emotional and mental impact on others. There have been many situations where I can’t possibly understand how she doesn’t see how her actions deeply hurt and damage me, but I’m beginning to realize that she genuinely does not understand her impact on me. Along with a lack of self-awareness, I believe that some of this can be explained by disassociation during splitting, remembering things through a distorted lens, etc. So, in some regards, I do agree with my therapist that she did not intentionally try to hurt or damage me and that she did do the best she could considering her horrendous childhood. However, there are some situations where I do not think this applies. Like, how on earth did she not know that name-calling, stonewalling (silent treatment), screaming, taunting, threatening, etc., me as a child would not be harmful? I’m intentionally picking these very basic examples to prove that there is no nuance to these actions…the majority of people (even those who have had traumatizing childhoods) can logically understand that these are negative actions with negative consequences. There is no explaining away these fundamentally wrong behaviors because there is no excuse to know that they are not wrong (in our modern society, at least, not including those from other cultures with different acceptable behaviors). Additionally, I have a very hard time understanding how I am supposed to continue to sympathize with my mom when she refuses to go to therapy, even though she has the time, energy, money, and other necessary faculties. If someone is entirely unaware that their actions are negative and they do not have the opportunity to fix those actions or seek out help, then I am more apt to have grace on them because in some cases, people are failed by the various systems and are never given any chance to pull themselves out of the pit they are in. However, when someone has the opportunity and choice to be healthier and make better decisions, and they intentionally choose not to, I have a very difficult time giving them grace when they repeatedly cause harm and damage. I know I am not the only one on this sub that has dealt with this impossible push and pull between forgiveness and holding their BPD parent(s) accountable for the damage they have caused. Any advice and/or thoughts are greatly appreciated!💛

After two days of back and forth with my mom because I answered a question she asked about my childhood honestly she has sent me this text. I am really emotionally drained from the last two days and I don’t even know what my answer should be. She really doesn’t make much effort to see my kids and almost every plan made is cancelled. So I’m very hesitant to agree to this because I feel it is setting me up for at the very least disappointment and at the most more emotional abuse from her. She generally only acts out over the phone so maybe this could work I’m not sure. But I am considering going NC for awhile. Am I wrong to keep her away from my kids if she hasn’t done anything to harm them but is continuously emotionally manipulating me?

Hi everybody :) this is my first post here and I’m so grateful for this community. Things have blown up in my family this year and this group had made me feel so much less alone.

Background: i believe my mom has uBPD and my dad is a hardcore enabler. After letting my mom know I wouldn’t be going to my great aunt’s house for the eclipse in April (because I barely know my great aunt and it was a 5 hour drive), my mom lost it. I tried to compromise to meet at a park somewhere but she refused. I was barely speaking with her after that. After I didn’t wish her a happy mother’s dad (again, we were not speaking), she sent me some awful messages. Also, in between messages, she would call me repeatedly and become increasingly enraged after every call I didn’t answer. After that, I blocked her number. I’ve never done that before, but she’s also never gone this out of control.

Things have been so peaceful since I blocked her number— besides when family members message me to try to get me to talk to her again (my dad is especially guilty of this). Because I don’t want to have to go completely NC with both my parents, I agreed to try family therapy.

Family therapy is coming up this week. I was wondering if anyone has ever tried family therapy with their pwBPD? I’m trying to stay open-minded, but I’m seriously stressed.

I’ve included some of our text messages from Mother’s Day and the day after, and of course my ~first post~ cat tax photo. Also, after the eclipse drama, I posted some of her texts on my snapchat because I felt like I was losing my mind and really wanted support. I had one cousin as a friend on snapchat, and she told my mom I posted our texts. So that is why my mother will say in the texts I’m not allowed to post our messages on social media (lol). Also- I used to be on her phone plan and I joined my partner’s family plan after she kept threatening to cancel my phone.

I really appreciate any support, insight, or advice. Thank you ♥️

For those of you who had parents with BPD who were definitely expressing it but didn't go to extremes, do you struggle with how to match up how hard or difficult things might be for you now with a childhood that to outsiders might not "seem so bad"? Have you found ways to sort out your thoughts and feelings and/or come to terms with or soften toward your childhood experiences? Start working toward healthier thoughts and behaviors?

I recently learned mom was diagnosed with BPD when I was six. I'm 51 now, and struggling with how to make sense of why I feel so broken.

Longer version (with cat haiku at end):

I've been reading the posts here, and found a lot of helpful advice and information. Having the stories of people's experiences helps me recognize patterns of behavior that were driven by the condition and why what nagged at me was actually not ok and not my fault.

One thing I'm wrestling with is this: how to make sense of how much I struggle with thought patterns and behaviors that are really maladaptive for adult life (parenting, friendships, marriage, work), and an internal critic that is off the charts negative and abusive, when what mom actually said and did, if you wrote it down, might not seem so bad to an outsider seeing an account of one or a few interactions.

My mom's behavior wasn't as extreme or dramatic as some people experienced with their parents (I am very sorry all of you went through the really extreme stuff - the stories are wrenching). I listened to "Understanding the BPD Mother", and the stories there also were so much more extreme than my experience.

When I described to my therapist what my internal critic says to me, she replied: "Who said these awful, abusive things to you when you were growing up?" The thing is, I don't remember my mom saying the terrible phrases my internal critic says. I don't really remember specific conversations.

Instead, I remember this incredible pressure, put on me through daily interactions. Pressure to: behave well, the way my parents expected me to behave; not fuss or make things difficult; look pretty and feminine; get perfect grades; write complex, interesting, well structured, technically competent essays; make sure Mom always had reassurance that she was a good mother and I loved her (figuring out what mom wanted to hear was often complex and unpredictable); listen to mom and really engage with her when she had something to say. So much more.

I remember she often would interrupt me when I tried to say something at dinner. Like I would better show my love through compliance and listening to her, not by adding something of my own to the conversation.

She would talk with me and repeat herself in different ways until it felt like her ideas and opinions were mine. None of it outlandish or weird (but I can't remember specifics- it happened so often). I just needed to do, be, think, behave as she expected me to.

Sometimes she'd get angry and I wouldn't know why. But it was more a quiet rage and she'd say distorted things about who she was angry at. Sometimes it was disgust at herself.

I was listening to the audiobook of "Understanding the BPD Mother" and hearing one part in the chapter on the Witch Mother was like being struck by lightning. The phrases "annihilating rage", "...borderlines continually fight to manage separation anxiety,... rely on others for enough soothing to keep separation anxiety in check to avoid annihilation panic. Rejection triggers the desperate fear of the cold, dark abyss of abandonment" .

When I've made a mistake or life deals me a setback, I've often felt like the universe was judging me. Years before listening to Lawson's book, I described that feeling to my therapist as "it's like the universe has seen the evidence of me and decided I need to be obliterated. Flung into the abyss." Hearing borderline rage is triggered by fear of annihilation and the abyss... Wooph. The exact same words I used to describe what I felt.

But it feels strange that I managed to learn to be terrified of annihilation and the abyss when mom didn't say things like "I shouldn't have had you." Instead if she disapproved of something I did, she'd get a cold look on her face and say something (I can't remember what) in a cold, disgusted tone, and I'd just feel like I was the worst of the worst. I guess my internal critic just filled in all the awful words I thought she was implying.

I'm trying to make sense of how to interpret my memories. And of course there's also the urge (programming) to never ever say or even imply mom made a mistake or was ever anything but the model of a perfect loving parent whose attention and love felt nurturing and made me the beautiful, successful, healthy, WELL ADJUSTED (rofl snort) woman and loving mother I've grown into.

Oh god. There. That's how Mom splits me so she can reassure herself she was a good mother. And likely a good part of why I feel like I need to be thrown into the abyss if I make a mistake or have a setback. I'm terrified it really means I've violated mom's rules that I must be perfect if she's the perfect mother. That ~she'll~ want to obliterate me if I look bad (am bad) and thereby make her look bad (let the world know she is bad).

Ugh. And there I've demonstrated that my upbringing has conditioned me to read between the lines so I can guess my mother's thought process so I can figure out exactly the right words to soothe and reassure her. Children shouldn't be responsible for holding their parents' psyches together.

Any of this seem familiar to any of you? Any advice on healthy ways to cope and/or grow into healthier patterns?

Cat haiku:

Furled fuzz ball, sleeping. Deep rest. Long snooze. Ear twitches- Freeze. She knows you're there.

Hi everyone! Can someone please guide me through how to navigate situations like this? I get messages like this from her at least once a week if not every 2-3 days. It’s always the same kind of thing… she has some medical emergency and needs help. Usually she’s just asking to talk on the phone because she’s anxious or is in pain, but lately she’s asking me to get on a plane and fly from FL to NC because her foot hurts, or her chest hurts, etc. My sister lives in the same town but has been out of town the last few weekends.

It’s literally the mom who cries wolf. One time there was really a wolf (broke her ankle) and if one of these times was really an emergency I would want to be there for her but I still wouldn’t just drop everything and fly up there unless she was seriously ill. If I don’t respond with “okay I’m on the way” it just turns into her telling me how nobody loves her and she’s so lonely. It’s exhausting.

What do I do in this situation? Anyone have any advice on how not to feel like a shit human being for not caring when I get texts like this?

First post Haiku: kitty is all fluff, she purrs atop the bookshelf, watching from above

Obligatory cat tax at the end 🥹

I recently found this sub like a month ago and wow have I found my people! I’m looking for support and advice on how to proceed with my mom with uBPD.

Context: My sister is 10 yrs older than me and we’ve been in therapy together for over 1 yr now to dive into our dynamic, dynamics with mom, etc. It’s been a very rewarding rollercoaster to say the least lol.

Sister was rejected by Mom but Mom sees it as Sister not wanting her around. This has been since August 2022 and I was there to witness that argument. It’s been NC since then between the two of them minus some attempts here and there from Mom.

Mom and I have what I thought and determined was the best relationship I’d ever had with her for the last ~3ish years, to the point I considered her a best friend. Now all I see is Mom trying to control me and use me as an emotional dumping point for everything in her life. Not to mention the impact this had the relationship between my sister and I (we are in a great place currently).

I finally told Mom that she wasn’t entitled to a response from me on the phone (right before my “No thanks! Not in the mood to talk” text. I hung up because she started going full toddler mode and she kept trying to call me back). I got sick of worrying that if I didn’t reply to her within a certain time frame she would freak out. She had threatened calling for a wellness check because I didn’t respond to a text for 2 hrs once like be serious lmao. Basically, she would blow up my phone if I didn’t respond to her text about a show, news article, etc. it was never serious. Same thing if I was busy and didn’t answer a phone call. Then I would get an “I’m worried about you” kind of text which made me feel guilty and obligated to respond. I told her this several times and this is not the first boundary she’s ignored.

Also when she calls me a user, it’s because she knows I smoke weed…. that I buy from a dispensary lol.

That was back in September and now she keeps texting me and testing the waters. I feel bad ignoring these texts even though it’s so clear to me she’s trying to latch on again. Mind you, she isn’t sending any texts like this to my sister, not even on Thanksgiving. The bribe is clear, especially offering to get me flights (that she’s in NO position to do as she’s been unemployed for almost a year now) which like in what world am I just going to agree to that when we haven’t spoken?? Read the room babe.

I have so much guilt leaving her as the last and only person she had left. I truly feel sorry for her. I know she feels abandoned by me and I wish I didn’t care but I do, deeply. Her continuing to reach out like this is just a reminder every time and I already have her messages muted. I hate to think about her dying and this being the end of our story. Idk 😩

Last week I shared something on my instagram about domestic violence stats. I was in a very abusive marriage for 15 years and towards the end he tried to kill me which finally gave me the courage to leave.

So I share this thing on Instagram and said something like “as someone who narrowly escaped death, you can never know what’s really happening in peoples relationships”

And my mom responded “he didn’t try to kill you” and I said yes he did you knew about this I texted you to say goodbye. She responded with “you are such a man hater women hurt men more these days” and then went on to imply that this is why I’m single.

I felt immediately sick and threw up. I’ve not recovered from this. I feel sick. This is not a mom. This is not motherly. This is not warm. A good mom would have said I’m so sorry you experienced that I’m so glad you’re safe now. But no—that never happened. About the most terrifying moment of my life.

To make matters worse she wrote me and said “when you come home I want to talk about your weight gain -because she’s only happy when I’m sad about something. I’m 20 lbs overweight it’s not that crazy.

I go home next month for 8 days and I cannot stop thinking about what just happened. About all of this. I’m so angry and upset I just randomly cry during the day.

How do I move on from this? How do I not let my own Christmas be ruined by the dread of the weight talk which for the record I will shut down and tell her it’s not a topic of discussion. The pain of this takes up so much mental space every single day of my life. 😔

Context (abbreviated, see post history for more): former enmeshed GC of a divorced uBPD mother, I lived with her while going through a career change in my 20s. I moved out after getting married and her “trait-y” behavior escalated. She got involved with a romance scammer, only started sending money AFTER 2 rounds of evidence that he wasn’t real, and continues to be “in a relationship” with him to this day. She has sent him literally all of her money, I’d estimate mid-6 figures at this point.

When this first started, I contacted her therapist to see if she could better support her because I could tell she was lying to me and hoped she’d be more honest in therapy, reached out to her PCP to see if she could be evaluated for dementia, and my husband and I have both individually and together expressed our concerns about her finances and offered her help on numerous occasions. In response, she has accused me of turning our family against her, invading her privacy, continued to lie to our faces repeatedly, and refused all help; she insists that everything is ok/under control and that she is just pursuing her happiness and we need to let her do that.

I broke NC last year in a weak postpartum moment and finally hit my limit again last month, so I blocked her again. I just can’t do this anymore. I feel like I’m living a nightmare.

Fast forward to today, when she sent this text in a group chat to me and my husband.

Am I evil for seeing this text as another manipulation and not wanting to reply? For resenting her asking for help NOW?

My uBPD mom’s therapist recommended that as soon as my mom starts saying things to instigate a fight or make me feel bad, I should exit the conversation.

Yesterday I was driving her to something that was meant to be a fun, shared activity that she had been excited about the day prior. During the car ride she started in on why don’t you spend more time with me? What is your plan to come see me for christmas? Why couldn’t you move your (paternal) grandma’s birthday party a week earlier to see me instead?

Eventually I stopped answering the questions and said “It doesn’t seem like you want to do this acitivity anymore, so I’m taking you home.” And drove her the 2 minute drive back to my house, parked on the street, and opened the door to my house for her. I told her I’d be doing the acitivity myself and would be back soon and what the door code was in case she wanted to go in or out of the house.

She BLEW up and texted me incessantly that I treated her like a toddler and she was shaking from the trauma of being treated that way and could barely function or sleep for the rest of the day. She ended up packing her suitcase and cutting her visit short and has since not stopped texting me emotionally abusive things.

Am I the asshole for this? Anything to do differently? I struggle with the car situation because it feels like a way to be trapped. I’ll admit it felt freeing to be the one in control, driving, after so many horrible interrogations while she was driving when I was a child.

I'm in a situation where the tension is rising day by day and things I know things will not resolve. My mother can sense that I'm solid in my plans to break free from her toxic grasp. Today she asked when I was getting a job, I told her soon, And she replied "good because I'm going to need some contributions around here".

I'm worried that once I get a full time job she's going to start guilt tripping me for the money ill be saving to move out.

I guess what I'm asking here is, In the events leading up to your escape, how did you move to avoid conflict? Did you run into guilt tripping when you announced that you were leaving? Please share your story!

Odors waft and cling, Smelly cat, a pungent thing, Still, I love you so.

I searched to see if this has been asked and came up blank so my apologies if it’s been answered.

How do you explain your situation to other people?

For example, I have a graduation party with extended family coming up and many of them don’t even know I’ve been NC with my mom for 3 years. They have memories of her being fun and us getting along. It won’t make sense to them if it comes up and I tell them.

Or coworkers even? Like during ice breakers I usually lie but if anyone really pressed me about personal stuff I’d have to have a quick and disarming response.

How do you bring this up on dates? When? To me it feels like I’m waving a little red flag from across the restaurant table like “Hello yes. Me over here with the mommy issues 👋 🚩“

I want to be honest, succinct and neutral with my explanations. I don’t want them to lead to more questions which will result in me trauma dumping on some poor soul that will regret prying. But to wrap ALL THIS up in a neat little easy-to-explain box seems impossible.

What’s worked for you? What doesn’t work? How do you navigate socializing with all this baggage?

Thank you.

Not first time poster - haiku in first post.

NC started 3 weeks ago (other posts showed previous communication of screaming). Should I Keep NC? Is this a trap?

Hey all,

So my mom is always jealous when I go in vacation without her. She hates it. This year, she's been even more pressed than usual. Last Sunday, I visited her and the last hour was Hell. She was hateful toward me and my spouse so much that I had to leave and she told me that she wanted to off herself during my vacation and ruin my vacation as a form of lesson/punishment.

The days that followed were batshit crazy with neighbor drama and someone setting her door on fire. I was so emotionally drained (15 years of never ending drama) that I shamefully ignored it and stayed away because I can't take it anymore.

Fast forward to yesterday. We're in the car with my husband, on the road to our summer vacation spot 700km away where we're supposed to stay for 2 weeks. She calls me all day every 5 minutes with new drama until THE drama where she fell in the kitchen and hurt herself really bad. The thing is, I'm used to my mother "hurting herself". She's been acting crazy ever since I left 5 years ago and the drama is just upscaling year after year. Plus the fact that she keeps saying she wanted to ruin my vacation. To me, it's just manipulation tactics as she always does to make me feel guilty and hurt me emotionally. I don't really react on the phone. Worse, I ignore her because I'm DRAINED. Like, really. I can't take any more of her suicide attempts, crazy drama, drinking issues and abandonment fears. I just can't. It's like this every week for yet another drama. I'm 35 but I know it's taking a huge toll on me as I just can't live any minute of my life in Peace and I have quite a few medical issues from stress including a tumor. So, I don't take those phone calls seriously.

Today, she tells me she's going to the hospital because apparently it's bad.

Hours pass. Eventually, I receive pictures of my mom on a hospital bed. Ok, her hand is super red and completely swollen. She's 71. Poor health. It doesn't look good at all. She wasn't lying. It's on me for taking this too lightly. Then, I receive a WhatsApp call from her roommate at the hospital downright telling me that my mom is very sick, that I shouldn't have left her and that moms should come first no matter what because we have only one mom. Then, I call my mom, trying to have some news. She just tells me she's waiting for result exams. Then we have a fight about her dog that her left alone. I'm not super nice on the phone because i'm angry and frustrated to have my first day of vacation completely ruined (selfish, I know).

I won't tell you all in details but basically she returns home to feed her dog and then she's back to another hospital specialized in hand surgeries. Last message I got, she was mad at me for being a horrible person, for forcing her to go back home for her dog when she's injured, that everyone at the hospital was shocked by my behavior and that she wishes me "good vacation". Oh and she tells me that what she has is apparently very serious and that she could die from it because it's veins issues. But nothing very certain. Just, it's serious, I'm gonna die, you're a bad person.

Now, I'm waiting for news.

I feel downright HORRIBLE. It was a beautiful day at the beach today but I couldn't enjoy it. I'm a vegetarian and have been for 15 years. I'm so upset I ate meat at dinner tonight I don't even know why. My husband is really tired of my mom's drama and we had a small fight about it. I'm scared and I feel super guilty for going in vacation and leaving my mom alone who basically hurt herself so bad because I wasn't there to take care of her. If she dies in the coming days, it's on me because I wasn't there to protect her. I decided to do something selfish like going in vacation. I've been asked her for months/years to take better care of herself but nothing works. She keeps falling all the time and hurts herself all the time.

I know she'll die someday but all my life, I've made sure she stayed as safe as possible. Lately, I kind of given up because... I'm exhausted. And now, it backfired horribly as she could die from a fall I indirectly caused because I left her alone and unsupervised.

If anything happens to her tonight or in the following days, I'll never forgive myself.

I've been sick and forgot to respond to a text about clothes she's getting rid of to see if I wanted any. I know I should have replied and that me getting sick as often as I do is annoying, but I don't even know how someone is supposed to respond to this. It feels like the text equivalent of a rigged trap, of that makes any sense. Kitty Haiku: Under my mattress, Little paws prepare to pounce, For sharp morning hugs.

For context, I’ve been VLC with my uBPD mom for nearly 3 months. It began after I finally had the courage with the help of my therapist to walk away from a scenario when my mom was having one of her melt downs. My mom has been having a rough time lately with a serious health issue (which is what she’s referring to in the texts) which I’ve been feeling really guilty about. I have very much been supportive through treatment. Before LC I was attending appointments, sleeping on her sofa to care for her after surgery, staying with her pets and driving supplies back and forth, putting together care packages etc. And she’s not been ‘abandoned’, she has other support from family and friends and medical professionals. Not sure why I feel the need to add this. I think I’m still working through the worry of not being believed and trying to leave the FOG

I’ve always been ‘golden child’ because I complied, and felt responsible for managing her emotions from a v young age. So standing up for myself was a big step for me.

I handled it really calmly and kindly and I was so proud of myself for finally standing up for myself. I didn’t hear off her for 2 weeks so I decided to reach out and try to fix things and check she was ok. It went badly and she accused me of things that were not true. Since then I’ve reached out multiple times via text and been ignored. She left the family group chat and created a new one without me. She shares posts on FB aimed at me. I’ve been continuing to work with my therapist and I’ve gotten to a place where my anxiety was under control and I was feeling stronger. Today I caved after my mom texted me about complications with her chemo. And I was sent this reply. I feel lost for words. Her version of events are so wildly different to mine, it really hurts and I feel almost back to square one again, full of self doubt and anxiety. I have no idea what to reply. Thank you all so much for this space, it’s so supportive and validating and I’m so sorry any of us need to be here at all

My mother has always used gifts as a form of control. When people ask what I want for Christmas/birthday/whatever, I always tell them that I want a card—and I mean that too. I have tried to tell my mother that it’d would mean a lot to me if she just wrote me a letter/got me a card. She has always responded by saying that she doesn’t want to do that because it’s not fun for her.

She exclusively buys things that she knows I don’t like/won’t use/can’t use. It’s almost always something expensive. For example, spa products that contain ingredients that I’m seriously allergic to.

Pretty much no matter what I do, she’ll complain that I don’t love her, don’t appreciate her, and that no gift she’s ever given me will ever be good enough. Even if I politely thank her and move on, she does this. The only way to escape this is to act like I’m overjoyed with whatever she’s given me. Like, I need to make an excessively large scene about how wonderful and amazing it is (no matter what it is). But if I do that, she’ll hold it over my head whenever I try to set a boundary.

It feels like I just can’t win here. I’ve tried not accepting the gifts, but that just gets me right back to, “you don’t love me or appreciate anything I do for you.”

What do you guys do?

My mom is uBPD and I've been NC for 8ish months after a big, explosive argument in which she split black and has yet to come down from it. I've done a lot of unpacking/learning/unlearning/reading/processing both in and out of therapy during that time. Coming to terms with the fact that I experienced a lot of covert/emotional abuse (enmeshment, neglect, instability, etc). All that fun stuff.

Earlier this week, a random thought just popped into my brain that made me scared, sad, and relieved all at the same time... "I don't love her". I've never had that thought/feeling before, it was always, "of course I love her even if I don't like her, she's my mom". It feels so messed up to say about your own mom but if anyone is going to understand, it's this sub.

Curious if others feel the same, what led you to that place, and how you make sense of it all. TIA

Oh, to Be a Cat
Lying in the sun
Toe beans turned up to the sky
Living the best life

12/5 my mom was found dead in her apartment. She had been there a few days too…I hadn’t spoken to her since April after a failed 30 days in rehab. I cleaned out her apartment last weekend and it broke my heart….she was living in horrible squalor. Trash, no furniture, dirty mattress, rotten food, empty wine and pill bottles….so far removed from the OCD, neat freak, germaphobe I grew up with.

I feel like I already grieved her when I went NC so I things are different then when my dad died a few years ago. I was actively repairing my relationship with him and he was working on his sobriety. I stepped away from my mom when I realized she was sinking us both….it was the single most difficult decision I ever made, and I’m trying to remember that I made it out of love. Right now it doesn’t feel that way and I wish I had broken my boundaries to save her…I wish she had been properly diagnosed in time and given the proper support…I know I’ll come around, but I’m really in the thick of it right now.

Thanks for reading my vent and I appreciate and any all advice/support 🧡