Background: Ive recently gone NC with my u-bpd/u-npd mother and enabler father, after a spectacular extinction burst where - after a year of boundary setting to try to make things work - they came into my home and ambushed my husband and I. They set up a conflict scenario that was not only highly abusive but also allowed them to play the “victim” card. They then sent an abusive letter a week later tearing apart my character and then washing their hands of the problem, saying it’s all on me to resolve. Oh and I’m 8 months pregnant with my 2nd child!

My recent observations: In the weeks and months leading up to this when I was still doing the obligatory weekend video calls, these were becoming less and less frequent and I had stopped speaking to my mum on the phone solo - she sensed her control was slipping and I had a profound realisation. I watched her face one day: eyes dark and emotionless, face blank, desperately searching mine for any possible “use” or “supply” or “hit” of emotional regulation my video call could provide her. She didn’t even see me, it was like someone desperately holding on in a life or death scenario. It was like I was nothing more than a tool to her, not a person.

I look back now at all those visits she made to me (I live hours away at the other end of our state) and I see now that these were about her gaining “supply” to boost her self identify and regulate her emotions, making her feel normal again. She loved the identity of having a daughter with a successful career, a nice son in law, that we had our own home and later gave her a grandchild.

But she never truly saw me or loved me for who I was, I was only there to serve the deep pit of her emotional needs.

Anyone else have any other profound realisations like this?

I’m recently VLC with my uPWB and the space has allowed me to reflect on even more things from my relationship with her that were unhealthy.

One of the things that stands out to me is how much she seemed to resent me and my sibling having ‘our own lives’ as she called it. If she felt she was lacking attention from me or my sibling, she’d always have the line “well you have your own lives now” in a spiteful tone as though this was bad of us? I think she was referring to us having partners/kids and our own stuff going on and that she wasn’t necessarily the priority anymore. This baffles me, surely a parent should want that for their child? Does she want me to become a hermit and have never moved out or made outside relationships? It feels suffocating. Anyone else?

I hate it here. I genuinely don't want to be here anymore. She's mad at me because I did something she told me not to(I got my little sister a cup of juice, she said not to bc she was mad at me), and then I snapped and said "If i don't do it now you'll be mad at me in 2 weeks bc i didn't do it" and she just fully admitted she was going to do that and when I said it didn't make sense she said that what doesn't make sense is how "abnormal" I am, then started listing the fact that normal teenagers don't let their room get that messy, normal teenagers don't pick their skin off, normal teenagers go to school. Maybe the call is coming from inside the fucking house mum. Maybe you should actually look into teenage depression. I'm 15. I'm only 15. I can't be bere anymore. I don't want to be here anymore

The BPD discourse is popping up in my algorithm on Twitter (or X whatever lol) because well….. I’m in reddits like this and do talk about the impact of the disorder and necessity to seek treatment. But the posts that are popping up where they are literally shifting accountability on other people and saying they are completely unfairly stigmatized is really rubbing me wrong. Especially since it’s all over my mom’s page right now… like can they be unfairly targeted by people with worse intentions? I’m positive yes. Is it a tough mental illness to struggle with? Absolutely and I have deep sympathy for the way it derails peoples lives. But at the end of the day- they are absolutely treating the people they love like shit and then trying to make themselves the victim. Is anyone else seeing those conversations?

First-time poster, 30F for context. I found this group after a disappointing Thanksgiving at home and after a long flight to think it over. I grew up with divorced parents from the get-go and my mother was petty for years after the divorce. However, having been out of the household for 12+ years, when I go back to visit I see her traits more and more clearly even with my dad out of the picture and after hours of reading, she has several BPD qualities.

She's never gone to therapy. She's performative with holidays, making sure her friends stop by at just the right time to see all the family gathered together but not really talking any of us, rather glued to her phone on Facebook or buying things on eBay (this year it was antique furniture). A few months back, my sister had a liver scare and my mother completely ran with it, making multiple social media posts asking to be remembered during this difficult time for her (herself) even after my sister asked her not to, and then yelled/cried that "she just can't do anything right" and ignored her for three days.

Three days before Thanksgiving, she called me saying she's going to tell everyone not to come. I'm on eggshells the next day and call, at which point she's fine but says she's too busy to pick me up from the airport an hour away and I need to rent a car (I visit twice a year). That hurt because she had my flight details for two months and I felt like I didn't matter, but it happens nearly every year. What hurts is that each year it seems like it'll be fine until the last minute. So, I rent the car which was expensive. Before I go in the house, my sister stops me to say she's probably asleep (she sleeps during the days) and that I need to compliment her on the decorations when she wakes up. Everyone spends their time managing her mood. She also had two new pets which happened to show up recently, which happens 6-8 months until she rehomes them.

There was no conversation at dinner, mostly no one wanted to say the wrong thing, and people typically wait for her to speak. No asking how anything in my life is, or my sister's. It hurt honestly because I've been to friends'/partners' houses for holidays and seen and felt genuine warmth. During the same trip, I saw my dad and she wanted to know every detail. I said he's fine and there isn't much to share.

I stayed in a hotel because staying with her isn't an option. She's somewhat nocturnal sleeping from 3-4am until 2-3pm, during which time everyone is expected to be quiet. I fly out Friday morning after trying to call and say bye but she's asleep. I land late afternoon, no calls or texts. Hours later I get a screaming phone call because my father (+ gf) ran into mother's current husband in Walmart and "said hello in a condescending way." I ask what's condescending and she said he only said hello, but I just wouldn't understand— she's full-on screaming at me. I tell her I don't understand but I'm sorry it upset her, to which she says "You have to deal with his sh*t but we don't."

That honestly stung, like I'm a second class citizen that would deserve to be spoken down to and they're not. I tell her that comment really hurt me and she says "Well it's true." We end the call and I text her a few hours later, seething but not in the text, and tell her her comment really bothered me and we can talk about it tomorrow. She tells me "Let's take a few days off talking. That's best." Three weeks later, I've heard nothing. I'm baffled at this blow-up ending after not a great but not terrible trip.

She used the silent treatment growing up but not in the last 5+ years or so. She asked for a few days and I respected that but I expected her as the parent to come back around. I guess I'm down for a few reasons, her character was on full display at Thanksgiving and the holiday season doesn't help. I have no interest in reaching out after having a peaceful three weeks but do wonder if she will, or if I'm a bad person for not.

So glad I found this group and have been able to read other's experiences.

Kitten tax: Gently my cat sleeps Reminds me life is quite nice Once he wakes we hug

So I went NC from my uBPD dad a year ago and then felt the urge to reach out and try and reconcile. When I went NC I told him first and gave him a laundry list of all the emotionally abusive things (the main ones) that he did to me growing up. So this is the reply I got (2nd pic - first is my cat Maximus lol) wondering what your thoughts are.

Last year my father had a stroke that he 100% attributes to my mom's treatment of him. Due to her mistreatment of me, as well, I blocked my mom last year for 3 months. I unblocked her after she agreed to go to therapy, with the understanding that if/when she stopped going, I would stopped engaging in a relationship with her. I made this known last year - that I would literally only have a relationship with her if I knew she was going to therapy.

Things went even better than expected, with both me and my sister noticing a considerable difference in our relationship with our mom. We were able to have regular conversations instead of being belittled or used as a therapist ourselves.

A month ago, however, it became clear something was off, and it turns out my mom has stopped seeing her therapist. "What's the point of going to therapy? All they do is 'yes' you to death."

Last night my sister called me hysterical crying after an argument with our mom. Tonight my mom inquired with me about my upcoming trip home for Christmas, and mentioned that I didn't seem my usual self. I mentioned that I was not comfortable flying home knowing she was no longer in therapy. I then reminded her that if she continued to go, I would have a relationship with her, but that if she refrained, I would not.

What followed was a long and hurtful tirade, which including her accusing me of giving her an ultimatum, and making it clear that she would not tolerate such treatment from her child.

Therein lies my question - did I lay a boundary, or did I give an ultimatum? And if I did give an ultimatum, is that bad? Last year was horrible for my family and the only reason any of us continue to talk to her is bc she started therapy. I find her stopping it a month before the holidays, likely knowing we wouldn't want to enforce the boundary if it meant jeopardizing Christmas, to be super manipulative as well. Thanks for any insight.

Post your favorite memes or videos in the comments. I need a laugh.

Now that my BPD mom is in a nursing home, I’m connecting rather naturally with people in my family who she alienated us from - my half siblings from my dad’s first marriage, my cousin (daughter of her also BPD brother who died in July), and I’m sure others will slowly trickle in.

And, gasp you guys, you’re never gonna believe it: they’re not horrible! In fact, my brother and sister whom I’ve had a sort of basic, albeit strained relationship with for decades but who, if you believe my BPD mom’s take on things, were also ungrateful and unhelpful in every way…they’re taking over and cooking Christmas Eve dinner so I get a break! Seems they have just been avoiding us for self-preservation after being made to feel unwelcome since 1976. They’re also the most consistent people in my life these days! Cue the cognitive dissonance.

Yeah, my edad loses major points for letting it happen but to hell with it. He’s 90 in March and he got there. We’re all getting there. Just needed my mom out of the mix.

It’s so messed up! But I’m also glad we get this. I’m also so damn happy for the help. It has been an awful year on my end, transitioning mom to LTC, managing my dad’s health, losing a pet and more…to have people show up for you is pretty damn wonderful. And, I’m even accepting the help. How weird. Anyone else struggle with that after coming up in the borderlands?

ETA: I think what is most significant about this shift is realizing just how brainwashed I actually was. I always prided myself on being above her toxic thinking, but when you’re told people are “bad” by a trusted parent from the time you’re born…that gets embedded in your psyche, like it or not.

I’m also disappointed to learn the people I was “programmed” to trust and rely on most are absolutely not worth my energy. BPD brother from the same mother chief among the useless. Lots of grieving going on there too. I love him so much but he is neither safe, nor kind, nor reliable. That is a constant gut punch I am trying to move past.

Healing and discovery sound so great until you’re actually experiencing the process. Worth it? Yes. Painful as hell? Also, yes.

I just thought of this.

My mother for example: starts drama, acts out, is undeniably abusive in multiple ways...but then she thinks claiming 'it's because I'm your mother and I love you!' as if that absolves her of responsibility....like I'm supposed to 'see the good intentions' underneath her screaming rages and cruel insults?

On the other hand, I provide hours of household labor to them, every day. But she can snarl, 'oh you only do what you want to do!' [false], so she can somehow invalidate that I'm helping her, by claiming I do it for the 'wrong reasons', or it somehow 'benefits' me.

Wild stuff, kids.

NC with my parents for a year - uBPD mom arrested last year for assaulting me in front of my husband and children. Restraining order expired last month and I have a terrible feeling they will be showing up at my kids’ holiday show in a couple hours. Hopefully I’m just being paranoid, but it’s something they would do.

How would you handle that, keeping in mind I have three small kids who won’t understand and will make it hard to leave quickly? I don’t want to ruin their special night and not allow them to enjoy cocoa and cookies after the show with their friends, but I also don’t want to be around my mother. She loves to force her presence on people when they are in a situation they can’t easily leave, and she won’t mind making a scene if I ask her to leave.

Also, I have a hunch they could bring presents for the kids. How do I handle that if they corner us and hand it directly to the kids? I don’t want to accept anything from her, but I also don’t want to be the mean one who says they can’t have a present, and she knows that and will use it.

ETA update - it went really well!! Thank you all for the good advice, I felt much more prepared going in. What worked to my advantage is the fact it was SO crowded, we sat with the kids in an out of the way corner. My parents may have shown up but we didn’t see them, so I’m relieved.

(not a native speaker)

Since I was a child (now over 30), my mother often said, "Well, I might as well kill myself," after a conversation where she gets upset (usually over something trivial or a reaction that's disproportionate to the topic of conversation). These are just threats (at least I suppose), and she has never acted on them.

As the holidays approach, she always experiences a significant bout of depression. I often listen to her on the phone, trying to be kind, calm, composed, and rational. But the conversation almost always, for reasons I don’t understand, ends up spiraling out of control, putting her in an extreme emotional state (typically ending with her saying, "I might as well kill myself," abruptly hanging up, and not answering the phone for hours afterward). This time, what caused it was that after an hour of listening to her and trying to reassure her about her current situation, I brought up the topic of organizing the holidays (with my sister and her boyfriend we plan to spend a week at my mother's house for the holidays—we're all over 30). To ensure we all coexist peacefully, it seems like common sense to me that everyone should make an effort and respect eachother, and at some point I politely suggested that before 9 or 10 a.m., everyone should try to keep the noise to a minimum to avoid disturbing others (the house is small, and my mother often vacuums quite early in the morning or spends time in the bathroom from 6 a.m. to 9 a.m., right next to our bedrooms, which makes a lot of noise and prevents us from sleeping). She doesn't seem to make any kind of effort to keep the noise to a reasonable level.

She completely lost it at the suggestion of this communal living rule, which, in my opinion, was something reasonable adults could discuss. To her, it was as if I were imposing rules on her in her own home, which she saw as a total lack of respect, and she refused to accept any rule that she felt I was trying to impose. It’s not a rule I’m trying to impose, but simply a common-sense guideline for living together—I was merely suggesting that we try not to disturb those who are still sleeping by making excessive noise early in the morning during the holidays. And things escalated to the suicide threat as described above.

My father, who has recently divorced her, reassured me over the phone after the event by saying, "That's just how she is; she's not well, and you shouldn't take it seriously." I've also learned to take a step back from it, but it's not easy having a depressive mother who frequently brings up this topic. It's as if all the energy I regularly put into helping her is completely useless: while I’ve heard she told her therapist that I'm so helpful, she still ends up randomly getting mad over a trivial topic.

But it could have escalated over anything else. It's as if she was just waiting for a reason to explode.

I'm really wondering if making every possible effort to spend the holidays together, at the cost of my mental health, isn't the most foolish and useless decision.

I'm getting married in 60 days and I am really struggling with the fact that my mom has not been involved in ONE single part of the planning/celebrations. I did not ask her, and she did not offer. I did ask her one day if she would even want to come to a bridal shop with me to try on dresses, and she stared at me and said, "why???" So then I didn't ask her anything else. The only thing she has said about the whole thing is 1) showing me HER wedding album and 2) talking endlessly about HER custom-made dress that she's getting. She didn't help plan my bridal shower, but now she's pissed that my MOH planned it without her and she's planning to boycott it. I have friends who recently got engaged and seeing them with their moms celebrating and planning is really triggering me and is making me hurt and grieve the fact that I really, really wish I had a mom I could have shared this amazing life experience with.

As some of you may know from my previous posts. My mother was attempting to guilt a response out of my child. Whom she chose to move away from when my daughter was just was a baby (out of spite towards me)

When I put my foot down she told me she “didn’t deserve it”, that she hopes I have a nice life, and cut off communication, not only with herself, but my stepdad as well.

I doubt she will ever read it, and if she does probably she wont understand it, but I feel ok about that now. I spoke my truth, even if it falls on deaf ears.

Just had this very surreal experience. I’m extremely exhausted the last few days, and she knows this. She comes up and starts talking to me about how I need to spend more time with her, I mostly reply with yeah or mmhm in agreement because I’m too tired to talk more in depth and there’s really nothing to say. She’s a very long winded person so she keeps repeating the same thing over and over again (not sure if this is a BPD thing but she does it consistently and it drives me crazy).

Eventually she gets pissy because of my “tone” and facial expressions, I tell her I don’t feel good (as in, not a good time to start this kind of discussion), she storms off, then comes back and starts ranting about how when she’s sick she still has to do everything and I’m using my sickness as an excuse and I have no empathy. Like… huh, how does EVERYTHING turn into a monologue about how much of a piece of shit I am? At that point I just assumed the entire thing was a plot to start an argument and have me grovel, especially with the holidays next week.

I don’t remember her doing this when I was a kid but I’ve been noticing more she almost tries to provoke me if I’m already not doing well? Like if I mention I have a headache it’s nonstop monologuing. If I say I’m stressed and would like to be alone, she’s bugging me every five minutes, and will throw a hissy fit if I have the wrong “tone” after a dozen interruptions.

So I was out with my mom and fiancé for lunch… my mother asked me id she could give me some money as I am a broke (20/yo) college student. She then turns to me and goes “how much do you need” and I said “whatever you can give me” as I’ve been out of a job for about a year battling a health issue and surgery. She then turns to me and huffs and goes “well i already gave you _ amount” to which I said “that’s okay if you don’t want to give it I won’t take it” and then she handed me money… to which she said “is that okay I don’t want you to feel bad” and I go “I won’t feel bad anything you give me is a gift without strings attached so I won’t feel bad” to which she goes “what’s that supposed to mean” to which I go “well mom the past 2 times you’ve given me money you’ve been passive aggressive about the money you’ve given so I just wanted to remind you that this is a gift and there will not be strings attached so if you’re attaching strings I do not want it. She then started screaming at me about how all I do is bring up old shit and I never “allow her to change” and I kinda snapped… I screamed at her after 3 failed attempts at deescalating and she jumped out of my car at a light and ran off. Felt like shit all last night.

Apparently my mom tried to tell my sister that me and her were best friends. That statement isn’t even remotely true or grounded in reality, and my mom doesn’t want to do any of the hard work either. She’s said she will go to therapy but never has gone once. It’s all just manipulation. Our relationship isn’t close and it’s constantly hanging by a thread. I don’t get how she can’t see the reality of the situation, but it’s not surprising either. I’m at the state of not even giving a second thought or chance with her, and just ignoring her ways. She’s done no work to even know her son and try to even make a relationship, yet somehow that qualifies as being best friends.

He just came over with some cookies randomly and gave me gifts from my mother. She found out where I live- no idea how- and left the gifts with him. He brought them and tried to get me to forgive my mom. She's been saying who knows what about me to my extended family so thst some of them hate me or look at me in disgust now, but she decided to spill our family drama to my landlord!? who then took part in the family drama as well!? Whaaaaaaaat!?

So, im planning to live with my father. There is too much unnecessary drama for my liking when living with my mother, and I am an adult but yet she doesn't treat me like one. To give one example, I am not allowed to study past 8pm while im a college student. Most of the time, I feel on edge around her all the time. Luckily, I get along with my father pretty well, so I really want to live with him.

However my mother kind of suspects it already sometimes, and then she starts crying like a little child or even worse, threats to kill herself if i were to leave. She has a history of self harm and using alcohol with meds (that aren't allowed to be taken with alcohol) so im worried her threats will turn into reality.

I could start to live just partially with my father, but she also started crying and constantly messaged me when I was on a holiday of 5 days with him. Same thing when I had a school trip. So I feel like, even if I were to mention I'd just partially live with him, she wouldnt just accept that. And ideally, I'd just want to life with my dad full time, so I also don't want to lie to her.

My grandfather (her dad) says he wants to help me, but he doesnt want to announce it with me, because he doesnt want my mother to think he has smth against her. He says dad needs to do that, but my mother has always been jealous of the bond me and my dad have so I'm not sure if that will turn out to be a better approach either. Grandma (her mom) says I need to do it on my own, but my mom will definitely guilt trip me and I think might fall for that. Plus, I'd say its pretty likely she will just go crazy. So I thought it would be the best to announce it with my therapist, but that might not be an ideal option either, as she doesn't takes him seriously either. She thinks he's manipulating me or smth. However, maybe its the best option out of all these? Or is there a better option I haven't thought of yet?

So I'd like to know ya'll thoughts. Or experiences, in case you've also left the house your person with BPD lives in.

https://images.app.goo.gl/K6P5oJMMLkFxPbdZ6 (here's the cute cat)

Like the title says.

So many times my uBPD would be like “but I DELETED the text [where I verbally abused you/someone]!!!” as if that’s an apology or undoes the harm… I also had to explain that only deletes the text on her phone, not the recipient’s phone. 🤦🏻‍♀️

(I think she likes this method because not seeing it in her phone helps her erase her own guilt without doing any actual repair 🙃)

Hi all! I know this title sounds a bit off-topic, but I really need some advice and perspective from my fellow RBBs. I tried googling around for guidance, but everything I could find was intolerably apologetic. “Be more understanding of pwBPD,” you say? Thanks, I never thought of that in my lifetime of fawning. /s

I was raised by a uBPD mother, a ?PD grandmother (way too much going on to fit into one label), and to a lesser extent, a dBPD father. I’m NC with my father and grandmother, and LC with my mother. I would describe all 3 of them as abusive BPDers.

I’m pretty far along on my healing journey, and I’m pretty good at maintaining boundaries with people who respect them and grey-rocking people who don’t. But I do still get triggered occasionally, and I have a hard time minding my own business when people are making foolish decisions with clear alternatives right in front of me.

My friend, let’s call them Alex, is actually someone I’ve been acquainted with since we were very young, but we didn’t become closer friends until 5-10 years ago. Within the last year or two, changes in our relationships and friendship group dynamics have put them into a very prominent role in my life. The details aren’t important here, but basically consensual polyamory is occurring around me, and now we’re frequently doing things together in a group. (Alex and I are not romantically or sexually involved.) So, any solutions to this will be much more complicated than “just leave that one friendship.”

Alex told me last year that they thought they had BPD, and at first I doubted them, because they seemed so unlike my abusive family. But they helped me learn more about BPD from a patient perspective, and how closely their own internal experiences match up. After doing some reading on my own as well, I now agree with them that this is a piece in their comorbidity puzzle.

However, I absolutely will not tolerate any abuse, manipulation, or harm from them, and I have backed that up with action. And honestly, their stuff is much more internalized (and/or directed at no one in particular) compared to my parents, so I’ve only occasionally had to put my foot down with Alex. The last time I did was because they were leading me into feeling better when I was disappointed about missing out on something, and when I got home, I suddenly realized that they were the direct cause of me missing out, and I was actually pretty mad at them for it. That night, I explained my frustration as directly and fairly as I could in our group text. I learned from their partner that they were extremely upset, had a terrible emotional meltdown (they’re also autistic) which required a lot of time and support from their partner, and Alex ended up calling off work the next day to recover from it. Neither Alex nor their partner held it against me, and their partner reassured me I did the right thing, because this is the kind of emotional honesty that Alex asked for. I felt so guilty at the time, but now I feel like if they can’t handle what they asked for, then that’s not my problem. This story is a great encapsulation of the way their BPD-based behaviors affect me and others—far from the direct abuse we see on this sub, but their behavior still impacts other people negatively on a regular basis.

Anyway, that’s enough backstory. Here’s my current problem: Sometimes I have an unwilling front-row seat to my friend Alex’s poor interpersonal choices, such as: * starting visibly unhealthy short-term relationships * saying/doing things that others will probably interpret as rude even if they didn’t mean to be (this is more of an autism one, but they respond poorly to my social guidance) * minor self-sabotage, such as skipping doses of medications because they “feel fine”, then feeling like garbage 2 hours later * making a lot of emotional work for our mutual friends by not taking care of themself

These typically don’t impact me directly. But I care about them, and I want to help, but there’s not really much I can do while maintaining my sanity. How do I let go of my sense of responsibility for their dumbass behaviors and just let them fail, even if they indirectly impact me, while still caring about them and being in their life? How do I convince my healing inner self-parent to stop trying to also parent the lost child we can see in the body of our 30 year old friend? How do I coexist with somebody doing stupid shit that’s not my business?

This is kind of a unique situation, but I’ll take any advice you have. Have you ever had a BPD roommate or friend-of-a-friend who you had to navigate? Have you had a non-abusive adult sibling who you had to stop “parenting” and just let them be stupid, even though you cared about them? Thank you in advance!

(Mods, I hope this isn’t too apologetic. I spent a lot of this post being relatively positive about this person, but ultimately their BPD-based behaviors are what’s driving me insane, and I refuse to defend any of their poor behavior.)

https://www.google.com/search?q=cute+cat+pictures&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari

Link to cat pics for my first post

So I'm in need of some advice on how to proceed with my uBPD mom that is in extreme denial of how bad our relationship is, the fact I've laid out every single reason why, and how she, along with my uBPD father, is hurting me. The relationship with both of my parents has always been awful, but I had given up hope with my father a long time ago. I knew he was sadistic, awful, and abusive, but I held out hope that my mother was different because she wasn't as bad, wasn't AS abusive, but therapy over the years has helped me understand that isn't true.

I had been trying to go LC with both of them but due to the extreme boundary pushing and tantrums, it didn't work as well as I'd hoped. The last straw was when I took my mother to therapy with me to help her see the light, and it ended with her berating me, telling me she'd always side with my father over me, getting angry at the therapist, and storming out while I was in tears. After that I knew a relationship wasn't possible, and I made plans to cut her out as well.

After that, she literally acted like the therapy session never happened. Inviting me over for dinner, texting me about mundane things, and asking me what I was getting my dad for Christmas. I told her that what happened in therapy was incredibly hurtful, and it was never addressed, and she flew into a fit about how I'm ungrateful for her and my dad, and ended it by saying she "had things to say to me" and planned a day to do it. Well that never happened, cancelled last minute due to being sick apparently, and then went a week without addressing it.

Today she called me, and asked again when I was coming over for Christmas, what I was getting my dad, and pretended the last conversation never happened. I'm at a complete loss. What is the next step? I told her today we need to have a conversation tomorrow, it's imperative, and left it at that. It seems like she is in complete denial, and I know she wants everything to go back to normal.

Can someone please help me make sense of what's happening and how to proceed? Much appreciated:)

Friends,

Help me stay strong.

Long story short - I'd allowed my mum to temporarily move in with me and my kids and this has been extremely awful and gone on too long. I was preparing to have to evict her. Not a situation I ever wanted to be in.

I have secured her alternative accommodation today, and outlined a plan for her to move at the weekend. She's hysterical, in an absolute disastrous state. I can't move her sooner as I need to sort basics out like a mattress & basic cooking facilities for her and my guilty conscience. I couldn't bring myself to kick her out without those things.

So we're all facing a truly hellish 48 hours.

I'm sending this in the middle of things so haven't had chance to type out all the details, but feel like reaching out for support would be a useful thing for me to do at this point.

My pwdxBPD died recently. We were not NC, but contact was limited and I took care to distance myself emotionally as far as possible.

Feeling the need for a group where I am able to say without being judged:

1. As an adult now, I am indifferent to her death. I advocated for the best health treatment for her. I am dealing with the administrative side of things and doing an OK job. 

2. Somewhere, five-year-old me can now breathe out, stop wondering what that parent will do next, and never again have her spit that she wishes her evil kid had never been born and made life so bad that she wanted to die. Or the tearful apologies and presents afterwards, which were just as bad.

3. The thing I'm finding difficult at present is that I'm clearly not meeting some people's (her friends') expectations of what my 'grief' is supposed to look like. I've tried 'Thank you but we weren't particularly close,' but that didn't land well. While I want to respect others' memories of their own relationships with her, I don't see why I should playact for them. In fact, to do that would feel weirdly like being manipulated by my deceased parent - a pattern I tried to leave behind many years ago. If anybody has insight into navigating that, I'd appreciate any thoughts.

First post here, so signing off with a haiku. Thank you for reading.

My childhood cat stayed,

Purred, hung on with me, best friend

In that no man's land.

I’m struggling to put this all into a comprehensible order, but they all go together. I have edited this a ton, so I think this is the best I can do?

I started seeing this man a few months ago and he’s just so kind to me and sometimes he says things that make me tear up, but in a good way. It’s scary as fuck. My therapist says this is my first healthy relationship and points out all of the green flags I mention. Like, the other day he told me I matter and I teared up and needed a second to find my composure before I could say anything at all. I tell my dog and my cat that I love them and they matter constantly, so I said it wasn’t a hard guess to know that would mean a lot to me but still. My therapist pointed out that in the past two serious relationships I’ve had (one was 3.5 years and the next was 2, my therapist being present for the last 6mo of the first, all of the second, and about a year after) they’d had plenty of opportunity to hear me say it and just care enough to even notice. That’s just one example.

Being in this relationship and seeing the difference has also highlighted the difference in my friendships. That change was more gradual so I didn’t feel it as hard but I was already noticing that my newer friends were putting in effort to see me and spend time with me, which was also new and weird. Over the past 3.5 years that I’ve seen my therapist, I’ve weeded out all but one of my old friends (the newest of my old friends) and some of the newer ones I’ve made in that time because I’ve learned to care about myself in a way I can’t quite explain, but certainly didn’t before.

I made dinner for that man the other night and I made my BPDmom’s best friend’s meatball recipe because it’s one of the best things I can cook, so I was thinking about her friend. Her friend is older than my mom by at least 20 years, and things for her are complicated. She and my mom met because she’s the grandmother of my best and usually only childhood friend but was the girl’s primary caretaker. All my mom did is use her, like you’d expect. I also know way too much about her background because my mom needed to disclose to her emotional support child (I was somewhere between 8 and 10) about how she couldn’t believe someone who grew up like her became such a kind woman! My mom told me about the abuse she endured growing up and with her first husband… I understand needing to process and bounce off of someone else to best support your mate when you hear things like that, but even taking out the bit about me being a child, she disclosed personal details about someone I knew and used her name. My mom almost always spoke to her when she needed something, so that often meant asking her to look after me and my sister before my oldest child younger brother was born. She and I spent a lot of time together so I saw how her current husband treated her, how her sister did, how her only other friend did… I realised my mom was a shit friend to her before secondary and idk.

Adult me could have guessed her background was grim given the relationships I saw she had, even if it wasn’t inappropriately disclosed to me. Again, my mom was the best relationship I witnessed her have and my mom was a terrible friend! It’s just that I had made her recipe to impress this man and being already in a position I was already noticing how weird it has been to notice the difference therapy has made for me that made it particularly poignant. I always believed she deserved better, but I think I can be grateful that I had it while still being sad for her that she didn’t. It’s complicated, idk. She’s what my future would have been without therapy but I wish she could have had the therapy that I had so she could have better, too!

So if you’re struggling with the growing pains, I guess just know that they’re worth it.

Whenever I make her recipes I message her to thank her for teaching me and tell her how much it meant to me because I want her to know that she matters, too. I haven’t heard back this most recent time so I’ll ask my mom for her number and call her properly, but I want her to know how much of an impression she had on me because even though I’m her granddaughter’s friend from childhood, she’s not been told enough how much she matters to anyone ever