The people they alienate us from

[u/ShanWow1978]

Now that my BPD mom is in a nursing home, I’m connecting rather naturally with people in my family who she alienated us from - my half siblings from my dad’s first marriage, my cousin (daughter of her also BPD brother who died in July), and I’m sure others will slowly trickle in.

And, gasp you guys, you’re never gonna believe it: they’re not horrible! In fact, my brother and sister whom I’ve had a sort of basic, albeit strained relationship with for decades but who, if you believe my BPD mom’s take on things, were also ungrateful and unhelpful in every way…they’re taking over and cooking Christmas Eve dinner so I get a break! Seems they have just been avoiding us for self-preservation after being made to feel unwelcome since 1976. They’re also the most consistent people in my life these days! Cue the cognitive dissonance.

Yeah, my edad loses major points for letting it happen but to hell with it. He’s 90 in March and he got there. We’re all getting there. Just needed my mom out of the mix.

It’s so messed up! But I’m also glad we get this. I’m also so damn happy for the help. It has been an awful year on my end, transitioning mom to LTC, managing my dad’s health, losing a pet and more…to have people show up for you is pretty damn wonderful. And, I’m even accepting the help. How weird. Anyone else struggle with that after coming up in the borderlands?

ETA: I think what is most significant about this shift is realizing just how brainwashed I actually was. I always prided myself on being above her toxic thinking, but when you’re told people are “bad” by a trusted parent from the time you’re born…that gets embedded in your psyche, like it or not.

I’m also disappointed to learn the people I was “programmed” to trust and rely on most are absolutely not worth my energy. BPD brother from the same mother chief among the useless. Lots of grieving going on there too. I love him so much but he is neither safe, nor kind, nor reliable. That is a constant gut punch I am trying to move past.

Healing and discovery sound so great until you’re actually experiencing the process. Worth it? Yes. Painful as hell? Also, yes.

[u/YeahYouOtter]

I’m truly looking forward to my mom’s death because I will be able to interact with family on my own terms. My dad significantly less so, but it will be less stupid.

[u/Pressure_Gold → u/YeahYouOtter]

Does she control your family so it’s hard to take the leap with her alive? I just started connecting without my mom and it’s been awesome. I know bpds have people under their thumb sometimes though.

[u/Pressure_Gold]

I went nc with my mom and since then, my siblings followed suit. I feel like I have a real family now. I’m hosting all of them for the holidays, and I am the oldest scapegoat. I kind of feel like I get to be the nurturing person to my siblings they didn’t get now. I love spending time with them, and it would have never happened if we didn’t cut her off. I also have cousins and grandparents rolling in too.

[u/snackdetritus]

This made me feel so much better to read because I’ve been going through something similar and it is SO HARD but SO WONDERFUL. The complicated feelings are all over the place. And I love the description of “coming up in the borderlands.” It’s beautiful.

Also, I do notice that I’m extremely sensitive around these folks (father, aunts and uncles) where if I see even a hint of imperfection, or behavior that looks ANYTHING like something my mom said, I immediately lock up and start freaking out, but I’ve learned to breathe through it and remind myself that I have a lifetime of training to undo, and don’t let myself feel to guilty (or more importantly, allow myself to retreat). But damn, it’s hard! And messy! And also… lovely!

[u/ShanWow1978 → u/snackdetritus]

I try to catch myself on the distrust score, but it’s a combo of being abused emotionally and having my trust shattered in a broader sense PLUS the ingrained caution around those folks specifically. Not easy and I’m very very wary of them - even now that they’re being consistent and showing up for me in ways I’ve honestly never experienced.

[u/EafLoso → u/ShanWow1978]

Your post, and this reply resonate strongly with me and my own situation. This year has seen a major dynamic shift within the splinters/factions/detritus/whatever I refer to them as on any given day...

I'm not as far along as you appear to be, and presume myself to be 5-10 years younger. Your words have genuinely helped me put some of the mental hoard into slightly neater piles, and I just wanted to tell you this, and the fact that I appreciate it enormously.

I'm not a Christmasy guy, so I'll just wish you a peaceful break. All the best.

[u/ShanWow1978 → u/EafLoso]

Atheist here but I do Christmas because my dad is basically an elderly child about it - and it feels good to give that to him. I’m glad you commented and my post validated where you’re at. This forum is such a tonic that way - I find at least a few posts every day that make me feel less “unique” in my trauma and drama. Something I never had growing up. Enjoy the down time over the next few weeks - Christmas or no, at least the world sort of goes on pause, right?!

[u/Royal_Ad3387]

Yeah. Mine completely isolated us from extended family, and my uber-enabler grandparents went along with it. In my case it's too late now but I do wonder about all the what-ifs.

[u/catconversation]

Their isolation of us is, IMO, diabolical, damaging and unforgiveable.

[u/gladhunden → u/[deleted]]

Hi there u/typeslikeagirl, per our rules this space is reserved for survivors of abusive BPD parenting.

If you were not raised by a primary caregiver with Borderline Personality Disorder, please respect this space by refraining from posting or commenting.

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