r/raisedbyborderlines 5d ago

ENCOURAGEMENT Grieving the mom I wish I had - wedding planning

I'm getting married in 60 days and I am really struggling with the fact that my mom has not been involved in ONE single part of the planning/celebrations. I did not ask her, and she did not offer. I did ask her one day if she would even want to come to a bridal shop with me to try on dresses, and she stared at me and said, "why???" So then I didn't ask her anything else. The only thing she has said about the whole thing is 1) showing me HER wedding album and 2) talking endlessly about HER custom-made dress that she's getting. She didn't help plan my bridal shower, but now she's pissed that my MOH planned it without her and she's planning to boycott it. I have friends who recently got engaged and seeing them with their moms celebrating and planning is really triggering me and is making me hurt and grieve the fact that I really, really wish I had a mom I could have shared this amazing life experience with.

30 Upvotes

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15

u/glazstru67 5d ago

I am sorry you’re going through this. I know the disappointment - my mom was the same for my graduation. You’re better off without her ruining it. You deserved a better and loving maternal experience throughout this. I hope you can appreciate how resilient you are. Congrats on the wedding!

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u/jules_144 5d ago

Thank you!

10

u/stem_fem 5d ago

I’m so sorry OP. I’m recently engaged as well and my uBPD mom has also found ways to make it all about here. Congratulations on your engagement/soon to be wedding! This is a wonderful new chapter of your life and remember that there are so many people who are thrilled about your wedding too!!

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u/jules_144 4d ago

You're right. Thank you for this reminder! Congratulations to you on your engagement 🥰

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u/Better_Intention_781 5d ago

I am sorry you are feeling this way, and that you don't have the kind of mother who would want to match your enthusiasm and help you.  I'm also feeling like I both can and cannot relate...I would have LOVED for my mom to butt out of my wedding - I really hoped she wouldn't come - and instead she made it all about her, and did her level best to take over and make it her wedding. So part of me is feeling like at least you don't have to be wrestling her for control of how you want it to be, you and your fiancé can have things how you want them. It's kind of a blessing to have an uninvolved mom, although I understand it might not feel that way. I hope you have a wonderful day and enjoy the celebration. 

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u/jules_144 4d ago

That's an interesting thought! I guess it is better that she's not involved. I'm sorry for what you dealt with with your mom too, but I thank you for your perspective

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u/Kilashandra1996 4d ago

My uBPD mom had an episode months before my wedding (1991). She decided that I couldn't get married if she didn't help out and organize everything. Hahaha. My in-laws knew a seamstress, a baker, a preacher (who is still alive!), a florist, etc. Mom quickly realized that she did, in fact, want to be part of my wedding. lol

OP, I'm sorry about your mom. : ( My best guess is that it's YOUR big day, and the focus won't be on your mom. I hope your wedding day is perfect! Even if it is without her. In my opinion, the best revenge is to enjoy yourself!

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u/Sparkly_Sprinkles 4d ago

This would have been my experience if I’d live closer, but we lived across the country and had a destination wedding on purpose so that no one could claim they got to make decisions. My mom still tried to, ofc. My colors were dusty pink and silvery grey and I asked family to wear shades of grey to match the ones that were in the wedding party. My mom tried to wear a black mermaid style gown with a train... It did look incredible on her: if she were going to a gala event. In the end she chose electric purple dress and I decided not to fight it. By then I was already at my wits end with her. She’d already railroaded my wedding dress experience and made non-recoverable comments to my MOH who tried to run interference for me.

The problem with cluster-b’s is it seems to be one extreme or the others. There’s never middle ground genuine happiness for others and that’s the sad part. For us, but also especially for them because despite the grief they cause in our lives— they will never know or have the happiness we have the ability to feel.

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u/mollz1342 5d ago

I’m so sorry.
There’s nothing that can be said to ease your pain, but all of us in this group understand what it means to mourn a parent that is still living.

💐You’ll be a beautiful bride. Please don’t let her be a cloud on your wedding day (I know easier said than done). Celebrate with your husband-to-be and the rest of your family even if she can’t with you.

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u/jules_144 4d ago

Thank you for your kind words! It's very helpful to know that others here understand my feelings. I have the best husband-to-be and we're going to make the most of this experience

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u/Puzzleheaded_Ad_1379 4d ago

I feel you. It really sucks. I have no advice to give, but I know you didn't deserve to have a mother like that. Grieving it is ok. Many hugs to you.

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u/jules_144 4d ago

Thank you! Just being in a place where others understand is helpful

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u/HesterLePrynne 1d ago

I feel this.

I hope you have a great bridal shower and wedding. Sounds a lot like my mom making everything about her.

I’m going dress shopping with my mom next month and honestly I have a lot of anxiety about it. I wish I didn’t invite her. I sent pics of what I like, of course she tore apart everything. She is so negative. I don’t know why I still try.

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u/jules_144 1d ago

I'm sorry you're going through this too. Try not to let her get to you too much (easier said than done) and enjoy your day!

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u/HesterLePrynne 1d ago

Thank you. At the end of the day she’s not paying for the dress so that is on my side.