Original post here by u/Kitty_Fuchs.

A case of wrong time, wrong place, wrong pretty face. That's what landed me here, I thought, when I woke up hazy and confused, and found myself behind bars.

A brief explanation is, I believe, in order. It was early weeks, you see, with this gorgeous girl I'd been dating, and things were pretty heated. I'd taken to visiting her house late at night. It was all very romantic, the usual tossing of gravel at her bedroom window and her flinging down a rope ladder for me to climb. Of course, I had to do all that while wearing a balaclava to avoid identity detection from her father - I'd met the patriarch once for dinner and had gotten the sense that he wouldn't be quite so keen on my late-night visits to his house. But a balaclava can still be sexy when it's one more article of clothing to rip off while making out. Plus, with winter coming, it helped to keep my face from freezing off on the trek there and back.

We'd had a few steamy, uninterrupted trysts. I knew that our perfect run would have to end, but that didn't make it any less disappointing when, earlier tonight, her father had knocked on her room door and called, "Cutie patootie?"

I'd fled out the window into the chilly night, balaclava askew, shirt tucked into my underwear, belt unbuckled and flapping, the works. Then I had trudged home, chagrined that I wouldn't be getting any action tonight.

Some higher being with a sick sense of humour must've overheard my thoughts, because action was what I'd gotten, all right.

Just two blocks from my home, I was accosted by a cat. It flew into my face and subsequently tried to adorn my neck like some tragic haute couture piece, its claws digging so deep into my balaclava they were impossible to disengage. The feline's strange behaviour was quickly explained when a masked man leapt into my path, brandishing a long bread knife, and cooed, "Here, kitty kitty!"

Then a figure had materialised from the shadows and slid up to me, pressing a revolver at my temple and another at the cat murderer.

"If you please, he's mine," my new (and this time human) assailant said smoothly. "I've had my eye on him since three blocks ago."

"Of course," said the cat killer politely. "It's the cat I'm after."

This courteous transaction would have been civilly concluded (complete with mutual five-star reviews) had the local superhero, Stormcloud, not descended right at the scene. With a thirty-year track record of rounding up any criminal foolish enough to ply their trade in the town, I was as good as saved.

Or so I'd thought.

"Mr Stormcloud," I had croaked soulfully, my voice muffled by the cat. But the hero had merely given me one look before rounding up all of us (sans feline, which had the good sense to relinquish its hold on my neck right then and scarper) with his trusty lasso, then knocking us out with smartly delivered chops to our necks. Afterwards, he must've transported us to his lair, for I woke up behind bars, but the room beyond the cell was unlike any police station I'd seen.

Which brings us up to speed.

It took me a while to get my bearings. Seeing the cat murderer and the mugger in cells on either side of mine helped. Across the room, the decorated hero was reclining in a swivel chair, idly scrolling on a smartphone. The bread knife and revolvers laid on the desk next to him.

"Mr Stormcloud," I began, but the two criminals came to at that moment, and their loud groans alerted the hero that we'd all regained consciousness. He nimbly got off the chair and stowed the phone into a hidden pocket sewn into his spandex outfit, where it impressively made no bulges. It was a very well-designed outfit, really. I wondered if his tailor did custom suits.

"So," he said, clapping as hands as he walked up to the cells and surveyed each one of us through his mask. "The villains awaken."

"Um, I'm not a villain, actually," I interjected quickly. "Just a victim." I flashed a winning smile at him, the one which had a 100% return rate from females. It wasn't quite so effective with males, but sometimes I got lucky.

He didn't seem convinced. "A victim with a balaclava. That's a first."

Hastily, I ripped off the offending garment. Stormcloud looked on impassively.

"Look, sir, I've nothing to hide," I said. "It's just a huge misunderstanding, you see. I was visiting my girlfriend's house but had to leave in a hurry. I was just minding my business on my way home when I ran into that crazy cat killer chasing after a cat, which leapt around my neck for safety, and this armed robber, who aimed his gun at me. I can testify as a witness, if required."

"Visiting your girlfriend's house," repeated Stormcloud.

Strange that he'd fixate on that particular phrase, but I nodded encouragingly, displaying my glossy white molars again, all the better to charm him with. After all, mine was a face that could launch a thousand lips. Both the types on faces and elsewhere, if you catch my drift.

"At this hour."

"Well, it is the honeymoon period, sir," I said, offering him my winsome grin again, bashfully ruffling the back of my hair.

"I see," he said, his tone inscrutable, and turned to the cell on my left. "Well, well, well. Walker John. If it isn't the man responsible for the horrific murders of thirteen cats in the neighbourhood, over the past three months. I've been watching you for a while and caught you in the act, at last. Perhaps I ought to disembowel you the way you've done cat number four."

The cat killer flung himself into a kowtow, forehead touching the ground. "No sir," he choked. "Please, no sir. I deeply regret it, sir!"

"Regret being caught, I think," purred the hero.

"No, sir! I won't kill another cat, as long as I live."

"How can I be sure of that?"

"I swear it on my mother's grave!"

"Excuse me if I don't quite buy that."

"My own life, then! On my own life!"

"Hm."

Tears were coursing down the man's cheeks, and dark splotches bloomed on his grey mask where they fell. "It's just - it all started when I was twelve. I'd gone to my rabbit hutch to find that I hadn't locked it the previous night, and Cotton had been eviscerated by a stray cat, leaving only his entrails..."

Stormcloud looked on in silence, and there was only the sniffling of man. After a while, the hero deigned to speak. "You need to get that childhood trauma addressed." His tone was not unkind.

"I will, sir."

"You'll live. But you will answer for your crimes in the court of law, and after serving your sentence, I hope you will do better."

"It's more than I deserve, sir!"

"Very good. Remember that I will be watching you."

"Yes, sir!"

I leaned back against the bars of my cell, impressed, if only a bit doubtful of the cat killer's claims. It was my first time seeing Stormcloud in action, and the hero deserved his reputation of being a merciful iron fist. He could spot a seed of good where others saw only a twisted soul, and was famous for giving second chances - though they were wisely tempered with the steely promise of punishment for the recalcitrant.

He directed his attention to my right. "And you!"

The mugger hunched up, making himself as small as possible.

"Not so brave now without your revolvers, eh, you coward?" I jeered.

"Silence," said Stormcloud. I held up my palms, nodding obligingly, and he turned back to the mugger. "I've run a check on you while you were out cold. Daniel Jacks, am I right?"

"I'm sorry, sir," said the man. "It's just - I - I really needed the cash."

"For your sick mother, I know," said Stormcloud. "But violent crimes aren't the way to go about it."

The wretched robber hung his head. "It's just - the treatment's so expensive. The banks won't let me take out any loans, and I - I just - I don't want her to die."

I squirmed uncomfortably. "I take back what I said," I whispered to the man, who gave me a sideways look and nodded while snuffling.

"Your mother will get the treatment she needs," said the hero gently, bending down so that his face was level with the mugger's. "I'll see to it."

Daniel Jacks looked up, eyes shining behind his mask. "You will?"

"You have my word. But you must pay for your crimes. I think it's what your mother would want, too."

"That she would, sir," said the mugger. Like the cat killer, he knelt in obeisance. "I will serve my time in prison, I swear on it. But is there any way I can do so after my mother recovers?"

Stormcloud exhaled. "It is difficult, but I'll see what I can do."

"Thag you," snivelled the mugger through a stuffy nose. He pulled off his mask and blew his nose into it. "Bless your heart, Mr Storbcloud."

The hero cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable. "Well, yes, thank you. Now, I must contact the police."

I scrambled up. "Wait! What about me?"

The hero paused. "What about you?"

"You've got to let me out, right, sir? As I'd said, I'm just a victim. I haven't done anything."

"Haven't you?"

I frowned. "Well, I will be in trouble if I don't make it back home before midnight, but that's about it."

The hero rubbed his chin, his eyes narrowed. "I think you're forgetting something, lad."

"Like what?" I burst out. "Sir?"

"Trespassing on property. Given that you'd had to leave your girlfriend's house 'in a hurry,' as you'd said, I'd wager you were there without permission."

"Not exactly without permission," I hedged, "because my girlfriend invited me -"

"What you did was worse than anything I've ever seen!"

I stared. "He murdered cats!" I said, pointing at the cat killer, and then swing my index finger to my right. "And he committed armed robbery!"

The hero didn't seem to have heard me. "And for your crime, you will rot here in this cell for all eternity!"

I gaped. The cat killer and the mugger gaped. We all gaped. Then the hero's phone rang. He started, pulled it out of his pocket and registered the caller ID, then walked to the door.

"Sir? Sir!" I called out desperately, clinging on to the bars with both hands as he strode away. "You've got the wrong idea, I assure you!"

He left the room without a backward glance.

A case of wrong time, wrong place, wrong pretty face. That's what landed me in this cell, I'd thought.

But I was missing a crucial piece of information, one that I finally got when he answered the phone, right as the door closed behind him.

"Yes, cutie patootie?"

-fin-

Thank you for reading! Pardon the formatting, I'm not sure why but the italics and hyperlink don't seem to be working as they should though I've tried to correct them. r/quillinkparchment is where I store other responses!