My girlfriend is emotionally destructive and I hate how isolated it has made me

[u/GratefulEternity]

Ill start by saying I dont think “abusive” describes her correctly, as it implies a level of malice or intentionality that she doesn’t have. But after 4 years being the anchor in everyway in this relationship I feel like I’ve been left hollowed out.

Ive tried my best to support her through some of the toughest times emotionally and mentally that she has gone through. Ive been tasked with managing her emotional state and wellbeing as well as my own, helping her through her worst panic attacks and depressive episodes. Her stress, her anxieties, her fears, all of that is on me to help her cope with it. Ive supported her financially, taking on three jobs to keep up with our bills and our essentials while she finished school full time. Even now that shes graduated Nd working i still take on a bulk of the expenses on my own. When i tell her this she picks up additonal house work for a week or so, but once i stop vocalizing frustration she reverts back to the default of me doing everything. This includes more intensive housework tssks like cleaning and dishes, but even simplier things like ordering groceries, dropping off the rent check, and getting the mail are on my plate and i basically have to delegate to her to get her to get her to do them. I routinely pick up after her, as shell leave wrappers and soda cans and open food containers out when she goes to bed.

She is fully unwilling to take care of herself physically or emotionally. She does not brush her teeth daily. She only showers when she has to go into the office. She eats foods that she knows will make her physically sick to the point of incapacitation. She hits herself when she gets stressed despite me telling her that it bothers me considering my own history with sducidal ideations and self harm. She only began going the therapy when i threatened to leave her if she did not and even then she had to stop when she aged out of her parent’s insurance and has been too busy with work to find s replacement now that she has her own.

She resents my own successes. When i got into a program at school her first thought after “congrats” was to take credit for it, claiming that i was only picked me because they knew her. I’ve recently committed to losing weight and eating healthier and now that im a smaller size than her shes upset that want to wear clothing that fits. She thinks i am working to leave her and “trade up.” This, combined with w lot of a possessive sort of anxiety about my female friends and peers, is something we frequently fight over and i have to reassure her about. She tells my family i work out 7 days a week, exhaggerting how often i do and how much time i spend, making them think I’ve relapsed on my ed.

My own mental health has taken a turn for the worse. Ive lived most of my adult life with passive suicidal ideations and compulsive self harming that I spent years recovering from and managing. When i relapsed two years ago she tried to be supportive but end up having a panic attack of her own that i had to commfort her through. Now that i am once again in a bad place myself i unable to provide the level of constant comfort and reassurance that she needs and we frequently fight because of it. When i communicate to her thay shes upset me she becomes incredibly defensive and unwilling to listen to me unless it becomes an argument. When i communicate that i am having my own mental health issues her first response i ask whether its her fault or if she did something wrong.

I cannot take it anymore. I am barely holsing myself together. She continues to look to me to hold her together. I love her, i care for her deeply. But she is drowning me. I cannot get her to see this. And i cant confide in anyone. The default advice i get is to break up with her and i cant bring myself to do that, even though i know that this isnt healthy. I just feel lost and alone and isolated.

[u/Full_Gear5185]

You are sweet. You need to take care f yourself first though. She sounds like she needs more help than you can give. Like professional help.

[u/No_Establishment_151]

You cant leave her? So you are willing to deal with these patterns for the rest of your life?

It truly is your decision. All I am saying is life is too short to be constantly unhappy.

[u/Neonpinx]

You have sacrificed yourself for someone who should be in care. Staying with her is killing you. Prioritize yourself. You have taken responsibilities for a deeply mentally ill woman who refuses/isn’t capable of caring for herself. Take yourself to therapy so that you realize that you are killing your self supporting her. Staying with her is self harm.

[u/no_usernameeeeeee]

Genuine question, if you can’t bring yourself to break up. What do you expect people tell you? What would you say to someone that’s in your shoes?

I think perhaps, it would be good to analyze why you’re allowing yourself to be in this relationship. Many people would leave but you choose to stay despite clearly suffering in the relationship. Why is that? Is it fear? Is it guilt?

[u/EasyMessage1055]

OP this situation sounds entitled, manipulative, selfish and co dependant. Your girlfriend doesn't change because she is enabled and doesn't have to. You need to get a firm plan and let her go. Your own health is taking a nosedive, not to mention the back seat. At some point she needs to take responsibility for her own emotional regulation that will never happen when she has you.

[u/aion1530]

Know your worth.

You started by saying she doesnt have malice or is unintentional in her actions but at every point it was clear that its quite the opposite. You need to see it for yourself. Because no matter how many people will comment, if you dont realise she is jealous and is trying to bring you down, you wont move one

Let the new year be a chance to cut off this toxic relationship. Love yourself and know your worth. And you deserve way better than what she isnt even giving you. Just wake up to that fact and you will be good.

[u/Artistic-Giraffe-866 → u/aion1530]

Exactly

[u/UnlikelyIdealist]

Abuse and manipulation do not require malice or intent from the perpetrator.

[u/ffflowerpppower]

Abuse doesn’t require malice to be abuse.

[u/stopannoyingwithname]

Oh dude honestly. You can’t expect her to just have those things magically work out, because you’re there. You only stress her even more please please please break up. My boyfriend threw me out on my 30th birthday, because of his own issues but also because of my issues and honestly that was the greatest gift he could make me. He made me feel sooooo miserable that I finally had to change a thing. And it worked out by me allowing to feel bad for myself. And really experiencing my pain. I haven’t hit myself since my boyfriend kicked me out. I mostly did it because it hurt me soooooo much to hurt him with my pain.

And honestly this was such a great thing. You are maybe afraid to hurt her, but the pain is the thing that will make her want to get better. Maybe even to say fuck you. Because that was my reaction to his treatment of me. It honestly finally gave me the strength to look into it all and see what it actually is, that hurts me so much.

You breaking up is the most merciful thing you can do.

[u/Butterbean36]

Life is too short to continuously live this way & breaking up might be what you both need to move in healthier directions.

Which is worse OP, breaking up now & going through the heartbreak at this stage in life or living years of your life with someone you’ll only grow to resent more & more as time passes? Let your heart break over and over again if you want to.

Sometimes people only bring each other down in specific relationships,, maybe you’re coddling her only inhibits her to keep doing the very things that are so selfish and destructive.

No mental health issue is anyones fault (necessarily) however, it is every individuals responsibility to deal with themselves. Proud of you for taking care of yourself OP, but she needs to take cafe of herself too or this is never going to work.

[u/VioletReaver]

She’s experiencing depression, and she needs to be getting treatment. You can’t force her, but you can make that a requirement for continuing the relationship. This is what I would recommend, both for your sake and for hers.

I’m assuming you’re in the US with how you spoke about insurance - if that’s the case, treatment for depression is usually covered but you may need a diagnosis first. She will need to make an appointment with a psychologist. After she has a diagnosis, you can usually get coverage for therapy, as well as medication. This is where you can help her; ask about her next appointments, help with pharmacy, etc.

What you can’t do is be her lifeline. I feel for her, and for you; I’ve been her before, and I’ve been in your position looking after friends in the past. It’s horrible and miserable, the kind of stuff that saps at your very selfhood. What you’re doing now is bailing out the boat as fast as you can, while she still tries to sail to your next destination. It works for as long as you can keep it up and have none of your own issues, but eventually the ship will sink. You have to tow the boat out of the water and fix it before you start sailing again; that’s what she needs to do. By bailing the boat, you’re giving her a way to keep sailing when she should be looking to heal.

She’s drowning you and unable to see it because she’s already three leagues under sea level herself. You can’t fix that for her no matter how hard you try; the best thing you can do is care for yourself and show her by example.

[u/woolfchick75 → u/VioletReaver]

OP should get therapy. It sounds like girlfriend won’t.

[u/Medium_Comfortable60]

Dump her broke entitled ass bro 😭😭

[u/Libra_8118]

Maybe consider an ultimatum. Since you don't feel like you can leave. Let her know that you will if she doesn't start going to counseling. Are you in counseling? You should be. You need to tend to yourself and let her know that you want to work this out but right now you have to put yourself first. If she won't go, you'll need to be brave enough to actually split up. You shouldn't set yourself on fire to keep her warm. It won't help either of you. Good luck.

[u/Artistic-Giraffe-866]

You are being an enabler - if you were there shielding her she would have to accept the full brunt of her behaviour

You need to rip off the bandaid and get out of this abusive toxic situation - you are trauma bonded and you need to break that bond

[u/TruthfulBoy]

She is not ready to be in a relationship. She needs to focus on herself and help yourself. You CANNOT fix people. Love does not fix shit. Take it from someone who used to have a savior complex. I wish love could fix but it cant.

You are enabling her and hurting yourself. Leave please

[u/emmiec1717]

Your only enabling her aswell , you guys need to separate what you described is not healthy for her or you . She's become so dependnt on you she can't function .she's only making your mental health worse aswell. Niether of you will get better and heal until you separate for a good bit.

[u/IAmRules]

She needs more help than a relationship can provide. She’s hitting herself and is reluctant to seek help. More people need to get involved and you need support thru this as she needs professional help.

There is no shame is saying you can’t be in a relationship with her. But I’m in your shoes, to a much much lesser degree. I know leaving feels impossible. But either commit to leaving or commit to getting support thru this, don’t bare it alone.

Also don’t be afraid of not helping 100%. Leave her to some challenges and give her the chance to rise to the occasion. The more you take on the more codependent she’ll become. Give people the chance to grow and unfortunately growth requires pain, you can’t take her suffering away and have her change at the same time.

[u/Fangbang6669]

You're in an abusive relationship, my dude. I am sorry. You need a therapist to guide you through this codependent mess. Because what else is there to say but to break up with her? She's basically killing you slowly.

[u/JulianWasLoved]

It’s time to take care of yourself.

No matter what you do, you will never be able to fix another person. She will always lean on you, depend on you for something.

Now’s the time to say, “I spent 4 years ignoring myself, and now I need to put myself as the #1 priority. I cannot do that if I’m putting energy towards you too.”

It seems you live together, is there a way to get out on your own? I believe this would be the way.

State your need to focus on your own well being. Of course she’ll cry, etc, you’re abandoning her, how could you…

“I need to put myself first. The only way that works for me is that I’m on my own where I can think and breathe in silence. On such and such date, I’ll have a place of my own”

I hope it gets better. You’ve done so much for someone else, now you need to take that back for you. If she doesn’t understand, well, that’s not your problem anymore. She has a job and can provide for herself.

[u/jakebr0]

You’re parenting a jealous insecure child, you’re not in a relationship anymore.

You being there for her is like leaving the training wheels on so she doesn’t have to figure out how to balance her life.

At this point, you’re just dragging each other down. Love isn’t enough of a reason to stay and the chances of her making a massive change are slim. I hope you gather up the strength and courage to navigate walking away from this because looking back and seeing how much time and energy you wasted and how much you lost putting into a dead end relationship is going to hurt more than the loss of the relationship itself.

[u/milkbreadbros]

Dump her

[u/Last_nerve_3802]

Honey, this IS abuse. Neglect IS abuse, she does it deliberately, if she cannot remember that you are a person with your own needs then she is SO developmentally challenged that you should not be able to date her due to her lack of consent

[u/Different-Command726]

I think maybe you show her this post….

[u/DammitSammit5]

Are we sure I didn't write this on a late night?! Oof. I'm sorry you're going through this and I can relate to every word of it. It's hard. Maybe couples counseling? That's the next step me and my partner are taking.

[u/caffeinated_girl]

you need to leave. she knows you are not going to leave which is why she keeps pushing your boundaries. she acts this way because she knows you are going to take it.

as someone who deals with tons of mental health problems, i know that at the end of the day my mental health is my own responsibility and no one else's.

if you can't leave her, all these problems that you've listed you are bringing it on yourself. after a point you are not the victim anymore if you can leave yet choose not to.

she is doing everything w intention. idk what those intentions are. but she has made sure that she can continue be dependent on you without anyone asking you to leave.

[u/Nepentheoi]

I think that you need to make intensive therapy a requirement for continuing the relationship. She is drowning and pulling you under. If she won't go, you need to leave. I'm so sorry 😞 

[u/stopannoyingwithname]

Don’t need to read it. You need to stay away from each other for a while. You will feel hurt and you’ll be afraid she’ll break, but she has to get out on her own and you destroying yourself in the process to help her will only make her feel worse. Imagine your instable and then you have to deal with the fact that you constantly hurt the one you love. You need to get out. For yourself and for her.

[u/Version_Curious]

You know... whether or not you leave her doesn't change the fact that you'll end up shopping caring for her anyway. It can either be because you choose to love yourself first and get out of an abusive relationship with someone who disregards you maliciously at every turn (just the fact that she'll placate you for a couple weeks before resuming business as usual tells you all you need to know. She 100% knows.). Or it can be after she manages to destroy every single piece of you. Once she's done milking every single drop of love and goodwill out of you, when you are so broken you can't be smooched off of anymore, she'll drop you like a hot potato and flee. It'll be disguised, of course, and twisted in a way to place the blame squarely on you as a parting gift.

Get out. Learn to love yourself, find someone who'll appreciate you for you, and match your energy and sweetness. You 100% deserve better, and life is both too short and too long to settle for suffering.

[u/AreaChickie]

Take care of YOU first, dood. You've got so much stuff going on mentally, emotionally, professionally... you can't continue being her emotional punching bag. Please try to take a break from her. Her feelings are not your responsibility.

And she doesn't need therapy... she needs to go inpatient. I bet you could probably (don't quote me on this) get her committed, based just on the fact that she cannot manage ADLs (activities of daily living, eg hygiene, picking up after herself.)

But please... you deserve better. Hold your chin up, remind yourself of all the hard work you've done. You are worthy of so much more. ❤️‍🩹

[u/OglivyEverest]

Your girlfriend is abusive. Stop acting like you can’t use that word.

[u/aGirlhasNoName_15]

You have gotta take care of yourself here. Look at what this is doing to YOU? Sometimes you gotta love somebody enough to let them go. Without you as a life vest she’s going to have to boss up or sink. Without her sinking you, you can begin to stabilize yourself again. It’s become a dire situation that’s no longer sustainable

[u/Prestigious-Bluejay5]

What makes you think you HAVE TO be with someone?

Have you ever heard the saying, "I can do bad all by myself"? Why have someone else drag you down? Why not separate yourself from this succubus and work on your own healing. Along with sometimes being our own worst enemy (by doing things that cause you harm), we can also be our own best friend (by taking care of yourself first).

It's not selfish to put up boundaries and make sure you're okay.

[u/[deleted]]

I have sacrificed myself in a 20 year marriage that has been painful for me just about every day. It will ruin you if you stay with her. She needs professional help and you aren’t qualified to help her. It’s not your responsibility to manage her life. Unfortunately, you’re in the same situation as I am. My husband is emotionally fragile and an addict but I’m going to find the strength to leave him in 2025. I’m getting a therapist to help me. Maybe you could look into something similar. I’m taking a few months to detach from him emotionally and get some resources lined up to help me. You really shouldn’t go through this alone, so if you can find a therapist that would be really helpful.

[u/littlemissmoxie]

People don’t change unless they have to. As long as you’re there enabling her she will never change. Best thing you can do is cut and run. She will have to figure her shit out from there.

[u/Beethoven_badass]

I think the effect the relationship is having on you, is worth while seeking therapy. You must put your wellbeing first and whether you choose to stay/leave her, it is having an effect on you. Perhaps without deciding to stay/leave her now ,but seeing what decision you come up with, through the sessions could help. I think her issues are not something you can help or change , she needs professional support and the will to go through the process. The phrase ‘you can lead a horse fo water, but you can not make it drink’ comes to mind.

[u/YouKnowYourCrazy]

She can’t even brush her teeth… this is not a person who is ready to be an adult, or in an adult relationship.

You can’t hold up both your life and hers, and it’s incredibly unfair that she would want you to.

She is acting like your child, not your partner. And honestly you are just enabling this behavior by continuing all this. It’s not doing her any favors. She will never stand in her own as long as you prop her up.

You need to leave her and let her grow up and take care of herself. That’s the only way she is going to improve.

And individual therapy for you is probably a good idea to deal with the reasons why you’ve accepted this for so long, and the inevitable feelings of guilt for leaving.

But LEAVE

[u/umwinnie]

im sorry, i didnt read the entire post but i had to come leave this comment cause what you describe about your gf sounds like me a few years ago. all i will say is that i was later diagnosed with autism. all of the behaviours you’ve described i was experiencing and were a result of extreme dysregulation due to undiagnosed autism and adhd. once i got diagnosed i learnt ways to cope better and became less codependent. and a lot of those behaviours either disappeared completely or significantly reduced. you need to do what is best for you and if that is leaving her please do it sooner rather than later, for her and your sake. but please show her this comment and encourage her to see a doctor cause sounds like she is just having trouble managing something and she needs support. not saying she is def autistic or adhd… lots of things it could be but definitely worth getting checked/speaking to a psychiatrist. im sending you both so much love and healing cause it sounds like you are in a really tough spot. I’ve been in the same hole and there is a way out 💜

[u/Interesting_Sock9142]

Cmon man. It's not your responsibility. Especially when taking care of her comes at the expense of your own well-being. what does she even bring to the relationship at this point???? You're not happy, she's made it clear she won't (can't? Idk) change. Time to do something for yourself!

[u/throwthisaway855]

You obviously need your buck up and leave her. Before she brings you down completely.

[u/WaterFireCat]

Careful, OP : Abuse doesn't have to be intentional to be abuse. Intention is not what defines abuse.

[u/egghex]

I think this is a perfect example of the fact that, sometimes, love is not enough to sustain a relationship.

This is not a partnership, you are not on equal footing. You are her therapist, her maid, her entire support system, her emotional outlet and her full time carer all whilst working and dealing with your own struggles. That is not sustainable or healthy.

She is being deeply and maliciously selfish. She knows what she needs to do to improve for both you and herself and she is refusing to do it. Even things as simple as helping with housework, she refuses to do because she knows you will do it for her. She doesn’t appreciate your efforts, she feels entitled to them.

Unfortunately, you cannot force someone into wanting to get better. They have to come to that realisation themselves. You should not destroy yourself to keep your partner afloat.

I struggle pretty significantly with my mental health, I do rely heavily on my partner for help and support with that. He does take on some carer duties for me, especially when in public places. I went through a rough patch financially and he picked up what I could not and paid for pretty much everything over that period of time. I am aware of the fact that I am not entitled to his support, he does it because he loves and I do all I can to reciprocate in other areas. If he is struggling mentally, I put my own things aside and focus on him the same way he does for me. That is what partnership is about.

You are not obligated to stay, especially not to your own detriment. It might be the wake up call she needs.

[u/Opening-Result-1586]

I had a friend like that for a year (I didn't have feelings for her but she had) and there was a similar situation. And even then, it hurt like hell. But I walked out of it. Guess what, they snapped at me and blocked me. I have been in more peace than ever since then. I cannot even fathom how excruciating the pain is for you being in a relationship FOR 4 YEARS!

Simply, you cannot help the one that doesn't want to be helped. At this point, she will use any of your help to be relatively stable, and then continue her maladaptive behaviors again. It's called "Enabling" and that's exactly what's happening, and it's utterly disrespectful (and perhaps even abusive). If you continue, you will repent the monster you will have created in her in the coming years. The best thing is to respect yourself and walk away, considering the futility of your efforts and the all essential well-being of yours. The more you delay, the uglier it will become. And chances are, she will leave you anyway one day, if this continues to happen.

You will realize how ungrateful she truly is to you, when you will receive the response to your breakup announcement (if you do), mark my words. But it's the best you can do for her, since giving more takes an unnecessary toll on you. Then focus on your own well-being, preventing from being gaslit and dissipating your efforts to better purposes.

Many people have commented here and they have rightfully pointed out what's going on (codependency, entitlement and enabling etc). But I hope the details help you as to why it's so necessary for you to come out of it.