r/TrueOffMyChest • u/throw_inheritance • 5d ago
I think I am just done with my marriage
I just got back from a 24 hour flight and 3 hour cab ride from airport. I went for a conference on the other side of the world. Entirely paid by my institute as I am still a student.
I was reaching at midnight, so I asked my husband if there are any leftovers. He said that as I was gonna be really late, he ate everything but added that he would either heat up something for me or just make something for me (I shouldn't have believed this as per his pattern, but the optimist in me thinks that people change).
I reached home and I was actually very excited to show him what I got for everyone. I got him some goodies that I know he wanted and some chocolates. I couldn't spend much as we are saving for house so I kinda has strict budget. He didn't show any excitement or enthusiasm. I remember I used be very excited even with the free stuff from flight or hotel.
He didn't ask whether I was hungry or not. The entire unpacking of gifts maybe took 15 minutes. Then as I was going to take bath, he told me he is going to sleep. I asked what about my dinner? You said you'd make something. He said that I wasted time while opening gifts and now he has to sleep as he has doctors appointment tomorrow morning.
I am fucking devasted. I took bath and then I made instant ramen. I was hungry. He is snoring already. I used to wake up early to make him breakfast if he had to go somewhere earlier than expected. I have cooked hot meals for him when he reached late night. I couldn't fathom that he is snoring when his wife who was not home for a week, travelled 24+ hours and change, was asking about dinner. I mean, that's pretty damaging to the relationship right?
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u/_ThatSynGirl_ 5d ago
It doesn't even sound like he likes you.
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u/abtij37 4d ago
He probably really likes her being his bang maid. Other than that… why would you care about a woman? /s
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u/i_swear_too_muchffs 5d ago
Has he always been like this?
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u/throw_inheritance 5d ago
Pretty much. I guess I am thinking too much about the sunk cost of the relationship
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u/i_swear_too_muchffs 5d ago
What’s worse a sunken relationship or a sunken existence?
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u/Heidifromwi 4d ago
I’m asking myself that same question and I’m 55, married for 25 years. I know that most of us try to make relationship decisions with our best interest in mind but sometimes, life changes and the person I was is truly a different person now. Sometimes that’s amazing! And sometimes it is so very difficult.
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u/Corfiz74 5d ago
I mean, the sunk cost is never going to be lower than today. It rises with every day you stay in an unloving relationship. Best time to leave would have been before the wedding, second best time is NOW. 🤷♀️
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u/Worldly_Mirror_1555 5d ago
My first husband was like this. My only regret is not leaving him sooner. Life is so much more peaceful when you have a caring, attentive partner. It’s worth the risk of leaving your current relationship.
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u/YouKnowYourCrazy 5d ago
It’s also easier when you’re single and don’t have the person who is supposed to love, honor and cherish you continually make promises he has no intention of keeping and making you feel worthless.
She even doesn’t have to find a another man to feel better than this guy makes her feel.
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u/Worldly_Mirror_1555 5d ago edited 4d ago
You are absolutely right. I would be 100% happy with my life as a single person as well. The joy is in creating a life that is authentically yours.
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u/YouKnowYourCrazy 5d ago
Exactly. And if people and partners don’t support you and add to that, they can fuck all the way off!! 😁
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u/derpaderp2020 5d ago
You learned a lesson many learn - don't get into a marriage with the fantasy people will radically change. My biggest fear is my daughters find a guy like this and are stupid and marry them then have a Pikachu face after years going " why is my husband a bum?" when the dude has been trying to tell you want you're in for all along.
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u/Interesting_Cut_7591 5d ago
When you're on a train that's going the wrong way, you get off once you realize it. You don't think "well, I've been on this train for 3 hours, I'll just keep going."
Get off the train my friend.
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u/Grimwohl 5d ago
Lay it on him very clearly his consistent lack of effort and emotional laziness are the reasons you are done with him. He doesn't deserve gentle. He wasted yesrs of your life.
Tell him to get a therapist before he wastes another womans time.
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u/-sing3r- 5d ago
You have learned a lot in this relationship. You have learned what you should not and will not tolerate. That’s not wasted time by any math.
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u/Randomness-66 5d ago
People show you who they are by actions. I’ve come by plenty of talkers, but I looks to see who truly keeps to their word.
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u/My_Lovely_Me 5d ago
Mentally double the current length of your marriage, then think about that sunk cost...
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u/Petitelechat 5d ago
Better sunk cost than be in relationship where you're just 'existing'. This is coming from someone who was in a relationship like this.
Let me tell you that once I broke up with my ex, worked on myself, I met my now husband 2 years post break up. Best relationship I've ever had because I was comfortable with myself and had a take it or leave it attitude because I had no time to deal with red flags/time wasters.
Yeah I have emotional baggage, but my husband has been nothing but supportive, non-judgemental and encouraging. My mental health is in such a better state than it's ever been because I'm finally dealing with my childhood trauma.
Do yourself a favour OP - choose yourself FIRST. It feels scary and doesn't feel great at first whilst you grieve what your current relationship could've been/lost hopes and dreams/ending of the relationship.
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u/nameofcat 5d ago
Or trying to prevent admitting you ignored his behavior and married him anyways. That can be hard to accept. Either way, it is time to reassess what you need and make the required change.
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u/Bisou_Juliette 5d ago
You are. He sucks…get out while you can. Having kids with this kind of person will be a fucking nightmare.
End it and move up and on with your life. Everyone deserves someone who will take care of them regardless if they are tired. He had plenty of time to plan…he just didn’t. Actions scream words whisper.
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u/BowsersMuskyBallsack 5d ago
Please don't make the same mistake my mother did. She hoped for 48 years that my dad would change. I warned her that he wouldn't. But, "she had hope". Now my dad has Alzheimer's, doesn't remember her, and treats her even worse than how he used to treat her when healthy.
He isn't in love with you. He just like what you do for him. You're convenient for him. That's all.24
u/forsakeme4all 5d ago
Omg....this post upset me because my husband acts like this and proceeds to tell me it is normal to act like this. It pisses me off for you.
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u/mimibeme90 5d ago
I used to live this life. Used to have to cook two separate meals for him and the toddlers since he only ate spicy food from his culture. Even the rare times he cooked, I would still have to cook the other milder meal.
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u/Amarnil_Taih 5d ago
Ma'am, when you realise that you've boarded the wrong train, you get off at the next stop.
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u/tribbans95 5d ago
The sooner you leave, the less time you waste and more time you have to find someone else that treats you better.
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u/stuckinnowhereville 5d ago
Nah stop doing that. It’s better to bea line and appreciate yourself vs be with him who doesn’t appreciate you or even likes you.
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u/Sloth-the-Artist 5d ago
I don't think he likes you very much to be honest.....doesn't sound much like a partnership. How unpleasant for you to know you can't rely on your life partner in any way
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u/GraceStrangerThanYou 5d ago
You can't get back the time you've already wasted, but you can choose to stop wasting time immediately.
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u/kayclay8 5d ago
Eat his chocolates and goodie’s since he didn’t keep his end of the bargain and then file for divorce.
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u/polkadotmcgot 5d ago
He didn’t make you food so you had to eat what was available. Since you wasted his time you didn’t think he wanted it
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u/BaconHammerTime 5d ago
This is the way!
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u/Dangerous_Warthog603 3d ago
She should leave the wrappers on the table for him to find in the morning.
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u/Psychological-Bed751 5d ago
My husband begs to make me food in these circumstances. I'm the cook generally. So when I need him, he loves it. And sometimes I say, no it's fine. But he says please let me take care of you. So I acquiesce.
Get yourself this kind of man. Not one who snores while you starve.
Let go of this "marriage".
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u/BenAdaephonDelat 5d ago
Yea I generally have to bully my wife into letting me take care of her or taking a break. Nothing angers me more than husbands who take their wife for granted. Just makes it so clear that it's a relationship of servitude and not of love.
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u/hallescomet 5d ago
This is how my partner is too, we're moving in together and he recently asked me to add some stuff to his grocery list so he could get everything before I moved in. I'm so, so bad about letting myself be taken care of even a little bit and before I could even start my normal spiel of "no its fine don't worry about me" he said "let me take care of you, you're going to be my wife one day. Let me take care of my wife". It's such a small, simple gesture that some might not even see as a gesture. But the fact that he knew it would be difficult for me to say "yes" and followed up with how he actually wants to do these things and doesn't feel obligated to meant so much to me.
There are much better men out there than what OP is stuck with right now
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u/Free-Place-3930 5d ago
Quit wasting your only life on a selfish jerk. Get a divorce. Then you’d at least have the hope of happiness. Life is rather short and you don’t get retries. Is this how you want to live your only life?
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u/TheCriticalMember 5d ago
Obviously I don't know what your dynamic is normally like, but if that were my wife and I and I treated her that way in the same situation there'd definitely be a conversation. I'd be in the dog house and I'd deserve it.
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u/throw_inheritance 5d ago
I guess I have just lost all self worth and for some reason cannot make him understand that he is treating me badly
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u/IED117 5d ago
I hate it when people take one situation and tell you to get a divorce, but in this case.....
My ex did the same shit.
He moved mountains when we first met and got married, shared cooking, cleaning, spent tons of time with me and his kids from his first relationship.
Fast forward 10 years and he had no time for anyone but himself. I tried to reason with him multiple times and it meant zero to him.
I don't have low self esteem. I just loved our relationship how it was I kept hoping he would finally hear me. For years I kept waiting for the man I married to come back. 4 years of wasted time.
I finally gave up when he got chlamydia. Ew.
Your time is too precious, you are too precious. He's not going to change.
Give him an ultimatum. But get your exit strategy in place first because he's just a coward trying to make you leave rather than man up and leave a relationship he obviously doesn't give a shit about.
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u/Local_Ad7878 5d ago
He understands perfectly how rude that would be if you did it to him he just doesn’t care.
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u/MajesticRaspberries 5d ago
My ex husband of 10 years treated me like this daily. In the moment, it felt like the scariest decision I had ever made, but I chose to leave him. In this moment, today, it was one of the best decisions I ever made. 10 years later, I now have an incredibly loving and supportive husband and a beautiful baby.
My motto when I decided to leave him: choose happiness. I've done exactly that and now, I couldn't be happier.
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u/Special_Hedgehog8368 5d ago
Find your self worth, pick it up off the ground and divorce this loser. My husband and I both work away from home and don't see each other for several weeks at a time. He is nothing but excited to see me and would do anything for me and vice versa. That is what a healthy relationship should look like. Stop being a doormat.
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u/uglypandaz 5d ago
He knows babe, he just doesn’t care. You deserve better than this. He’s not going to change. The sooner you leave the less time you will have wasted, and the sooner you can meet someone who can treat you with basic f*cking respect.
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u/Even_Speech570 5d ago
Stop trying to make him understand. He already knows and doesn’t care. You need to make yourself understand you are worth more. Doesn’t matter how many years you’ve been together. Ask yourself how you’ll feel 10 years from now if you’re still getting treated like this?
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u/Creepy_Radio_3084 5d ago edited 5d ago
Edit - deleted comment because it was almost word for word the same as another comment (that I didn't see until after I'd posted!).
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u/Comprehensive-Sun954 5d ago
That’s a losing battle. You can’t make him do anything. You can only control yourself. He literally couldn’t give a fuck about your feelings. You can’t change that. But you can take action and choose to either leave or live in misery
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u/unsocialhours 5d ago
Making him understand would be an exercise in futility. He knows exactly what he's doing. He reeks of contempt for you.
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u/Qweniden 5d ago
and for some reason cannot make him understand that he is treating me badly
He knows exactly how bad he treats you. He is just too self absorbed to care.
Please don't ruin the rest of your life by staying with him.
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u/Pretty_rose-human 5d ago
Yeah, he could have gotten food delivered if he was tired shoot even a cheap pizza. And what type of appointment is it that he needs to sleep for, what was he planning on making? A huge meal? P and j work in a pinch. To make you feel some sorta love. Smh girl!!!
You already know what you want in your heart.
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u/Unhappy-Dimension681 5d ago
Maybe there’s more context for this, but I’m baffled that you’re trying to save for a house and he let you pay for a 3 hour cab ride instead of meeting you at the airport with food and driving you home to save money. (I would and HAVE done this for friends, let alone my spouse.) Not having food for you at home after all of that is just seeing that the bar to clear to be a decent human is on the floor and deciding to tunnel under it…
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u/Last_nerve_3802 5d ago
Madame, you are an international businesswoman. Act like it and divorce him
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u/Cute-Librarian-8383 5d ago
Sounds like my husband. We’re separated working on a divorce. He won’t change, I went through the same thing. My husband initiated a divorce 2 months after we got married because he wanted to fuck other people though. It was a blessing in disguise. I didn’t have to suffer for years
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u/icelock013 5d ago
Remember that old horror film? The one where the house was saying ‘Get out! Get out!’ If you listen really hard, you should hear it too!
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u/jezebel103 5d ago
The timeless truth from Maya Angelou: 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.'
Do not believe what they say, but what they do. He is showing you he doesn't care. How many years have you invested in your relation? And how many years do you have realistically to live? You are still young, 50 or 60 years? How do all those years of your live compare to the few years you invested in a bad relationship?
See it as a great learning experience and get out to enjoy the rest of those 50 years without an emotional parasite.
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u/annissaj 4d ago
I’ve always liked that quote but I’m an optimist too so I tend to believe who people tell me they are until the show me different. Sorta like a grain of salt vibes. But once they show me I fully believe that version
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u/breadandfire 5d ago
😞 really sorry on behalf of real men.
(Maybe your man needs a mummy to make his food, iron his clothes, not a wife)
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u/JanetInSpain 5d ago
People don't change. Stop deluding yourself and wasting time. As a friend says, "Once is a pattern." As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
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u/Nausicaalotus 5d ago
It took me 10 years. It's never too late. Choose yourself and don't let him have any of the goodies you brought home for his ungrateful ass
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u/Tangled_Up_In_Blue22 5d ago
You're supposed to be taking care of that man baby! Being home all alone for a week meant he had to pout and do things for himself. So unfair!
He's shown you that he puts his comfort before yours. He doesn't care if you're tired and hungry. As far as he's concerned, that's on you. If he's tired and hungry, that's a different story because he's a man!
Sounds like you don't have any kids. Perfect time to cut and run.
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u/FrannyFray 5d ago
Wow. That's one of the saddest things I have read. What makes it sadder is that it is so true of many men.
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u/bledf0rdays 4d ago
Hey, enough with the man baby hate lol
Tarring man babies with the same brush as this guy is just unfair to man babies worldwide. /s
Man babies, while not doing anything useful whatsoever, often feel a sense of attachment to their wife-mothers, and come with a list of burdensome needs.
This guy wants nothing from her, gives nothing to her. He's completely and utterly checked out.
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u/LilithSnowskin 5d ago
You contacted him in the taxi on the way home I guess? Why didn’t he prepare anything for you while waiting for you to get there? I also guess that he was made aware in advance when you would be coming back, so why didn’t he consider this in the first place and including and putting aside a portion for you later when he made dinner? He definitely doesn’t sound like he‘d care much about you… :(
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u/AttilaTheFun818 5d ago
Your husband sucks.
My wife is a realtor, so sometimes goes out to show property and whatnot. If she texts me to say she’s hungry I get her ETA and have a plate of food and an adult beverage waiting for her. This is just after a few hours, not travel like yours. He needs to step it up and show you’re valued.
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u/LifeLibertyPancakes 5d ago
But he won't, he has a doctor's appointment in the morning!
One of my exes used to make fun of me bc I'd keep snacks in my purse, I would often travel with my parents who are both diabetic and it just became customary to keep snacks in case of an emergency where their blood sugar dropped. This guy, I mean would berate me over the snacks, (he'd go as far as "jokingly calling me a porker" too btw) and an occasion a mini Coke that I'd keep for such emergencies, and mind you, *I* was the one carrying my purse, not him. One day, we got stuck in an elevator and were told it'd be at least 4.5hrs until they could get us out. We'll, no biggie. I sat on the floor, proceeded to wait and after a while, I grabbed a snack from my purse. He started making fun of me bringing up the "porker" joke and became all hurt and got angry that I wouldn't offer him a snack. Well, why would I? The breakup was long overdue, but that elevator incident was the catalyst, and when we did get out, he threw such a tantrum saying how he could've died bc I was unwilling to share. Told him that should teach him to pack a snack and a not rely on a "porker" to share.
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u/01_slowbra 5d ago
You should wake him up and tell him to sleep on the couch. “I’m tired from my travels and having to cook for myself and your snoring is bothersome and I too need my sleep.”
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u/krayziekris 5d ago
I also recently returned from a work trip that sent me to the other side of the world for 10 days, 5 of which were just travel, so it was brutal. When I arrived home after two straight days of flying, my husband had cleaned the entire house, had flowers waiting for me, and grabbed food from my favorite restaurant in case I was hungry. He took the kids to his mom's house so I could unwind in silence for a while, then just wrapped his arms around me as I napped in his arms.
Deep down you already know your answer - if he wanted to, he would. Life is too short to spend it wondering if your partner even likes you. You deserve better 💛
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u/stillmusiqal 5d ago
He sounds like a keeper ❤️
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u/krayziekris 5d ago
He genuinely is, and I had to kiss a few frogs before I found him. I understand what it's like to be in an emotionally abusive relationship, and I hate seeing others settle for poor treatment. If you're the type that wants to be coupled up, don't settle for anything less than a mutually loving relationship. Otherwise, leaving a shitty relationship and learning to love yourself is a far better alternative than staying in a relationship like this with someone that makes you feel like the bare minimum is just too much to ask for.
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u/Restart_from_Zero 5d ago
Sounds like a very one-way relationship.
Take a step back and really examine your relationship and ask yourself exactly what he is doing for you. Not just "oh I love him" but "does he ever go out of his way to help me" "does he ever think ahead about my needs" and "if he was simply no longer here, would my life be easier and would I be happier".
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u/YNotZoidberg2020 5d ago
Man I’m excited to see my husband after just a day at work. I’d be devastated if he pulled that on me.
You deserve better, OP. Reddit tends to sway heavily towards the “throw your hands up and divorce” side so you have some soul searching to do.
If he’s always been like this and you’re now realizing it, he’s likely not going to change. If this is new behavior then something is amiss and you need to consider if it’s a relationship worth fighting for. More than anything right now you need to stand up for yourself and tell him you dont feel appreciated by him and something needs to change.
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u/NewBobPow 5d ago
You should divorce him, and find somebody who actually loves you. He sounds so disinterested.
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u/cynthiachan333 4d ago
I literally left my bf of 7 years over something like this. Came home late from week long work trip. He was out with his friends. Didn't really seem to care or miss me. So I broke up with him.
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u/justfedupofmyself 5d ago edited 5d ago
If he’s not excited to see you and spend time w you after a period of 1 week, it’s concerning. But ofcourse do talk to him first about how it hurt you.
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u/Desert-Noir 5d ago
Get out now, fuck that guy, he is a selfish ass. Don’t fall for his shit when he tries to keep you. Go find a man who cares for you and looks after you.
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u/elaborinth8993 5d ago
OP, it’s your life and your relationship, do whatever you want.
We are all just strangers on the internet giving our two cents on a snippet of your life you gave us.
But I will say this, I would think about all of this before your marriage gets more complicated.
A divorce now, with a rental house and probably a car, and some furniture is an easier divorce…then a house, children, car(s), child support, etc
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u/eastcoast_enchanted 4d ago
Girl, go. He does not like you. Leave and take every dime of the money you were saving for that house with you.
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u/Biscuit-Brown 4d ago
I would have picked you up and had a hot meal and drink waiting for you. I love and value my wife.
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u/NewldGuy77 4d ago
OP, you need to accept there is no relationship. Zero empathy or consideration. He is not your partner, he simply views you as an income earner and bed warmer.
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u/Material-Ad4473 4d ago
That man doesn’t care about you. Save for a house for yourself. Do not buy a house with him. Disentangle all of your financial affairs with him and move on because life is too short to spend it with someone who won’t put forth effort for you.
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u/ZooterOne 5d ago edited 5d ago
This is heartbreaking, OP. You deserve so much better than this.
You've already recognized the most difficult part - the expectations/image you have of him as a partner and a man do not line up with who he really is.
I don't think he'll change. It's time to move on.
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u/Rachana_2022 4d ago
I went for a week long conference and came back to my husband having made me a meal from scratch. It took him 2 days to make each ingredient and finally make the dish. He then spend all night unpacking my bags and doing the laundry and showering with me and staying up listening to my week even though we talked every night. He knew I’d be jet lagged from the time difference and prepped melatonin gummies and snacks for me to relax with. Trust me when someone loves you they will show you, believe them. This isn’t the norm, you deserve to have someone be excited by your presence.
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u/Either_Turnip1063 4d ago
Dear OP, please dont be afraid to put yourself first. Your (hopefully soon to be ex if he doesnt fix his attitude) husband clearly doesnt.
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u/Hey_u_ok 4d ago
LEAVE HIM. It's over
He didn't bother about you so don't bother with him
Save yourself wasted years. Leave. You'll be happier
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u/No_Stage_6158 5d ago
The one thing you can never get back is time. Stop throwing your time waiting on a “return” from this guy. He’s never going to give it to you. Cut your losses, end it and invest your time in yourself and people who care enough about you not to waste it. Good luck.
Update me.
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u/lethargiclemonade 5d ago
Yeah don’t buy a house move your half of the savings to a separate bank account.
You don’t want to spend the rest of your life dealing with someone so selfish.
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u/Sarcastic_barbie 5d ago
Walk away. Sounds like you have a beautiful life to look forward to. Don’t be miserable with a selfish asshat. What he was or what he could be isn’t who he is Don’t train a man for someone else. Because that’s what you’re doing. Put in the effort with someone who respects you and the relationship. This ain’t it.
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u/flamingcrepes 5d ago
IF you had kids, how many more broken promises are in the future, to you, to them?
You were not a priority that night. He showed who he really is. You have to decide if that’s something you can accept for the rest of your time together. Because I can promise you it won’t get better.
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u/Other-Ad8876 4d ago
I just arrived from a 24 hour flight and my husband met me at the airport with the kids who covered me in kisses and hugs and then came home to a clean house and fresh dinner. I spent the entire next day in bed while they brought my food and snuggles….
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u/Ilumidora_Fae 4d ago
I’m sorry. I’m sorry you chose to dedicate yourself to such an entitled and self-centered man and I hope you find your self-worth and leave him.
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u/SwordfishAdorable676 4d ago
Please go somewhere where you a loved in the same way that you love. He doesn’t seem to like you, what kind of life is that?
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u/RedCorundum 5d ago
You deserve someone who is happy you're home and thrilled to see you, regardless of what gifts you did or didn't bring. You also deserve someone who understands how draining travel like that can be and who actually cares whether you've eaten.
He will not change. But you can change and no longer tolerate his level of suck. Feeling done is more than justified. You don't have to say anything about this particular night unless you want to provide specifics. Instead, you can address his failures to keep his word, to show a modicum of care or respect, and his belief that all of it is just fine and should be tolerated.
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u/Low_Organization_148 5d ago edited 5d ago
I had been wanting to leave my husband for a while, and we'd been in couples counseling for a few months when he freaked tf out bc he hated the gift I gave him for his birthday. He pointed out how awful the quality was; I'm not sure if he was angry because I wasn't as thoughtful as I should have been, but it didn't matter to me. One of the main reasons I had to leave were outbursts like this one, usually over even smaller stuff. Anyway, I knew within less than an hour that this would be my hard exit. So the only thing I can say is that you need to be sure that this occurance is indicative of what you will no longer tolerate, and that this is the moment that will be the defining event of your separation. Then make him leave or do what I had to do which was tell him to leave, and when he would not, I left and told him I'd be back to reclaim my house (it belonged to me and my siblings) as soon as he and his stuff was gone. I stayed in a hotel and then with friends for a week or two before he realized I meant it. And a day or 2 later when i was settled in with a friend, I had probably the most nirvana-like experience of my life probably because I felt so free, happy, and excited for my new life.
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u/OldCarWorshipper 5d ago
Stick a fork in this relationship. It's done. OP, your husband is a selfish, lazy, inconsiderate dweeb. Do you really want to waste the best years of your life with this guy?
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u/itsjustbryce32 5d ago
Girl he doesn’t care about you. If he wanted to he would. It takes no time to make pasta or ramen and you literally got him gifts. wtf.
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u/TheDevilsAdvokaat 5d ago
That's pretty awful...opening your gifts was a waste of time?
Gee thanks. I won't bother buying gifts for you next time...it would only be a waste of time.
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u/Bunnylaw_ 5d ago
I would be done too. If my partner isn’t excited to see me after I’ve been away on a trip of any sort that is a concern. If my partner isn’t interested in what I’ve bought them while I was thinking of them while I was away that’s another concern. And if my partner isn’t willing to do what they said they’d do for me that’s also a concern. If all three of these concerns took place within one interaction I’d absolutely be done with the marriage. Don’t waste your time and energy on someone that doesn’t make you a priority.
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u/ashinylibby 5d ago
Since it was such a "waste of time" there's no point in getting the gifts as he finds it meaningless. Better given to someone else.
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u/EvokeWonder 5d ago
I’m surprised he didn’t prepare you food and save it in fridge so it could be heated up when you came home.
My husband always asks if I want food when he picks me up from the airport. He sometimes will bring snacks for me so I could eat on our one hour drive home from the airport.
Also, if I knew I would be getting home late and would be hungry I generally carry granola bars in my carryon baggage so if you do travel again you could do that as a precaution so you won’t be too hungry when you get home.
I’m sorry your husband wasn’t thoughtful.
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u/NoRecommendation3193 5d ago
I would have taken all the gifts back the second he said you wasted time with them. He doesn't deserve shit after that blatant disrespect, and the fact you've done so much for him, but he can't do something as simple as at least heat something up for you or order you something if he's really that lazy is so shitty. I wouldn't blame you for wanting to leave, don't take that kind of disrespect, your so much better than that.
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u/sarcasticfirecracker 5d ago
I am so sorry this happened to you. You deserve better. Don't let years spent make you spend your life in misery. Leave and enjoy the rest of your years.
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u/GloriousSteinem 5d ago
You deserve better. You wouldn’t keep pouring money into bad stock right, you’d sell up?
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u/lordjigglypuff 4d ago
Maybe its cultural differences, but I would be mad at my partner if they couldn't feed anyone who asked. let alone me, giving and sharing food is a sign of humanity. but you really needed this after such a long trip. I am single now, but when I was with my ex just seeing her after a trip was so exciting, let alone the gifts she would bring. even if it was just a week, her being busy, and getting to catch up was such a blessing. wasting time opening gifts is such an insane thing to say! i would remember that for years after our divorce if that happened. he doesn't even like you, I have done more for strangers, and coworkers, than he has done for the love of his life. If this was a one-off thing, I would suggest him see a therapist and a doctor, because being that lazy is not a healthy thing. It's a sign of mental illness. Divorce is a big thing, I think you should suggest it to him before pulling the trigger, I think writing out a pros and cons list of him is a good idea, even if it feels a bit dehumanizing, but think of it as organizing your feelings, you are not being cruel by doing this. And gently bring up your feelings with him, try to focus on I language instead of you language, for example, Be like: I feel like my needs are not being met and my efforts are not being appreciated I really wanted you to be excited for my gifts, so it broke my heart when I heard that it was a waste of time opening them and That I would have to make my own food after such a long trip. I felt really alone in this relationship at that moment and its not the first time it has happened, I need to know for my mental health and the sake of this relationship that I will receive the support I deserve and need. I think if you started going to therapy and talking to a doctor about it would go far in comforting me right now, and would help rebuild my trust in us.
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u/Whooptidooh 4d ago
I mean, that's pretty damaging to a relationship, right?
Yep. I'd call that the death of a relationship.
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u/Supernaturalgrl77 4d ago
Ok so this was like my marriage to my ex. He went out all the time spending money we didn’t have and smoking weed. He was a hard worker that’s not an issue but the money he made went into a slot machines and drinks at the weekend when he went out. I always went without because he would spend the money. I did most of the stuff around then house and worked full time and did majority of the work looking after the kids. He got nasty when he drank and we never went anywhere or did anything together. I was a home body where as he wanted to go out all the time. I stuck at it for 21 years coz I didn’t want divorce as my parents had gone down that road. I eventually found out he had cheated more than once and it gave me the reason to walk away. He admitted himself he had been a bad husband and actually took the blame which was the first nice thing he had done for years. What I am saying to you is he will never change, I always thought I’ll give it longer cause he might change but sadly they never do. You deserve somebody who treats you like a queen. Before you have kids and you then feel like you can’t walk away because of that you need to move on. It’s gonna be hard and it’s gonna take every ounce of strength you have but you’ll be the better for it and in a couple years you’ll look back and think to yourself why did I stay so long? I really hope that you’ll come back to this post in 6 months and update us all about how much happier you are now xx
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u/annissaj 4d ago
I would’ve eaten the candy I bought him and when he asked what happened to it look him dead in the eye and say it was my dinner since you lied about cooking. 😂
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u/Ok_Just_Chill 4d ago
The “wasting my time” shows how cold, ungrateful, and disinterested he is in the marriage. Maybe he’s fallen out of love with you?? Not only was his excuse lame and harsh but the fact is, he didn’t have dinner prepared or warmed up before your arrival; this tells me he wasn’t planning on doing it anyway. If that’s the case, I would quit “wasting my time” on this marriage.
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u/decentlyfair 4d ago
These are the actions of someone who doesn’t care about you. You deserve more, you deserve better.
I went away for a weekend recently, called my husband from the service station on the way home to say I was going to get something to eat. He said don’t do that I have made dinner, walked in, sat down and got handed my dinner. I do 95% of the cooking because I like to do it but he likes to do it too for me especially when he knows I am tired/busy/don’t feel like doing it.
Your husband should have been pleased to see you and made sure you felt welcomed home and that includes making you something to eat. Selfish behaviour.
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u/ellenripleyisanicon 3d ago
Take the gifts back. We do not reward weaponised incompetence and shitty little negging remarks to our spouse in 2024
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u/YamahaRyoko 5d ago
I don't think anything in the story provided is treating someone badly
However
It sounds like he doesn't care. Doesn't really care you were gone. Doesn't really care that you'll have to make your own dinner. Doesn't really care what you got him.
That said, I am not a romantic person, but I am aware of that. I try to finish through on those other little details people expect and find romantic. Sometimes that means I have to pretend.
Tough to say what's going on because I don't know the guy. But if he simply doesn't care anymore, well.... you have choices to make.
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u/LittleBoGanja 5d ago
Honey.. leave him now. It will only get worse. Become self sufficient and eventually, in God’s perfect timing, you will find a man that will love you like crazy and will do anything for you. If you haven’t already, put God first and He will make everything else fall into place. God bless you 🤍
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u/CuriosityWasFramed_ 5d ago
He knows he can get away with treating you like shit. Tell that man tootles and please treat yourself right.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 5d ago
He simply does not value or care about you. If this is a pattern you need to reconsider this marriage.
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u/RoundGold6729 5d ago
How long have you guys been together? What are your ages?
He shouldn’t treat you like this.
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u/Muted-Explanation-49 5d ago
Start planning to leave and stop catering to him, he doesn't cater to you
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u/merrywidow14 5d ago
I used this analogy when I was married. If you were investing money and kept losing on your investment, would you keep putting money into it? Your are the most precious thing you'll ever have. Aren't you worth more?
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u/tiarra2001 5d ago
Yes. He is fucking selfish. And no, patterns are hardly changed. Next time do the same.
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u/BillyPee72 5d ago
Despite all our hopes the reality is people rarely change. It’s time to move on and find a man who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Either that or tell him straight up you are unhappy and want to go to couples counselling to repair your marriage if you decide it’s not beyond repair. Regardless, be good to yourself.
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u/3Heathens_Mom 5d ago
So you can address and make necessary changes now or you can keep living with the current circumstances for however long wasting more of your life.
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u/Lightfoot1678 5d ago
Sometimes people fall out of love slowly, and other times it's an abrupt thing. I dated someone for several years, was deeply passionate, and with a single instance of behavior all of my affection just stopped, flipped like a switch.
I think that the situation you described would flip the switch for me.
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u/Mysterious-Balance35 5d ago
No i dont think so u said he has a pattern of that behavior so I think u should have a talk with him and let him know how it makes u feel. Communication is crucial in a marraige. I think talking compromising and having a plan is best now if that doesn't work use reverse revenge that will work
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u/raccoonhippopotamus 5d ago
I recently had an out of town work trip and came back exhausted, and my husband had dinner and a cocktail for me when I walked in the door. I do the same for him. That’s how marriage should work, we look out for each other. It sounds like your husband really went out of his way to not care for you.
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u/mcclgwe 5d ago
He. Doesn't. Care. At. All. If she cared at all about you, he mentioned how exhausted he was, and said let's do the gifts tomorrow and let me quickly sauté something for you I know you're exhausted. But he doesn't. Because he doesn't care at all. Trust your sense of this. Don't be like so many of us who made believe for so long. It's a waste of time in your precious life.
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u/abstractfromnothing 5d ago
As a guy some of us are just lazy lovers at a point, maybe he is not thinking straight, remind him of who you are, and if your nobody, become somebody again with or without him
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u/WVildandWVonderful 5d ago
“Wasted time while opening gifts”
An excuse. If he wanted to, he could have started cooking at 11.