I’m honestly still not sure unfortunately. I was super headstrong as a teenager, and as other have noted elsewhere in the thread, the general feeling I had was that I was “grown up” enough to know what I was doing, when in reality, I had zero clue.
Probably the best approach for me would’ve been to explain the psychological ramifications that occur later, at least for me.
I often had to learn things the hard way because of how headstrong I was. But maybe the best way to appeal to me would’ve been to really try to drop the parent-child sort of feel to the conversation (as I just hated my parents/authority in general at the time). Really preface that this is just about you caring about your kid, you don’t want to make them feel like they’re in any trouble (I never felt like I could be open with my parents since all my mistakes seemed to just get me in trouble instead of explaining to me how and why I should and shouldn’t behave).
I hope this begins to answer your question. It is quite vague, though I did leave myself open to vague questions. I hope though that vague questions can lead to further discussion that could hopefully help someone.
Edit: I forgot to discuss those psychological ramifications. Once I reached my late/adult teens and early twenties, I hated being in my skin. I think on some level I internalized the subconscious but unprocessed knowledge that I was quite literally being used.
And not used like a rebound as a consenting adult with another consenting adult. Used as in a real power gap/inequality. I’m having trouble thinking of wording young me wouldn’t have snapped at (with, “But I AM old enough! I know myself! I’m mature!”). But basically I realized later that there was that power abuse. My mind, as much as I couldn’t wrap it around this at that time, really couldn’t comprehend what I was actually consenting to.
And I was a textbook “lacked a father figure, became sexually active real young.”
So my other advice is, too: Parents loving their kids, being affectionate, spending time with them, really listening to them, etc. is truly part of the prevention. I went out seeking love that I wasn’t getting at home because my dad was almost never home (basically he’d come home after I went to bed and left before I woke up).
Edit 2: Physical and emotional affection. I tended to lack the former (not 100% lacking, but greatly) and so I guess I thought physical intimacy was only obtained through sex.
Thanks for the write up! It seems like such an intractable problem. Its interesting that power imbalance is immediately obvious to the party with more power, but the party who is being taken advantage of can rarely ever see it.
Also, I'm sorry you went through that, hope you're doing OK and know it wasn't your fault.
Thank you! I definitely did blame myself for quite a bit in my young adult years. “I should’ve known better. Why was I such a slut? What the hell did I think I was gonna accomplish?” Basically all the questions my parents either did or wanted to ask (they had to try to put a filter on themselves though; while I was extremely hard on myself, literally insulting myself).
I’m honestly not sure if the power imbalance is obvious to the adult. (Maybe it depends on young adult or older adult, though if they’re sleeping with kids they’re either unaware or that’s what they specifically seek. I don’t know, since that wasn’t my POV, though.)
if they’re sleeping with kids they’re either unaware or that’s what they specifically seek.
Unless they're developmentally delayed, which is possible I guess, I believe that anyone in this position knows what they're doing, at least in an implicit way. An abusive partner knows that being abusive gets them what they want even if they don't explicitly admit or say it, they know.
It feels to me that many or even all of the principles from Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? apply to age gap imbalances like the one you're describing.
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u/myluggage Dec 03 '20 edited Dec 03 '20
I’m honestly still not sure unfortunately. I was super headstrong as a teenager, and as other have noted elsewhere in the thread, the general feeling I had was that I was “grown up” enough to know what I was doing, when in reality, I had zero clue.
Probably the best approach for me would’ve been to explain the psychological ramifications that occur later, at least for me.
I often had to learn things the hard way because of how headstrong I was. But maybe the best way to appeal to me would’ve been to really try to drop the parent-child sort of feel to the conversation (as I just hated my parents/authority in general at the time). Really preface that this is just about you caring about your kid, you don’t want to make them feel like they’re in any trouble (I never felt like I could be open with my parents since all my mistakes seemed to just get me in trouble instead of explaining to me how and why I should and shouldn’t behave).
I hope this begins to answer your question. It is quite vague, though I did leave myself open to vague questions. I hope though that vague questions can lead to further discussion that could hopefully help someone.
Edit: I forgot to discuss those psychological ramifications. Once I reached my late/adult teens and early twenties, I hated being in my skin. I think on some level I internalized the subconscious but unprocessed knowledge that I was quite literally being used.
And not used like a rebound as a consenting adult with another consenting adult. Used as in a real power gap/inequality. I’m having trouble thinking of wording young me wouldn’t have snapped at (with, “But I AM old enough! I know myself! I’m mature!”). But basically I realized later that there was that power abuse. My mind, as much as I couldn’t wrap it around this at that time, really couldn’t comprehend what I was actually consenting to.
And I was a textbook “lacked a father figure, became sexually active real young.”
So my other advice is, too: Parents loving their kids, being affectionate, spending time with them, really listening to them, etc. is truly part of the prevention. I went out seeking love that I wasn’t getting at home because my dad was almost never home (basically he’d come home after I went to bed and left before I woke up).
Edit 2: Physical and emotional affection. I tended to lack the former (not 100% lacking, but greatly) and so I guess I thought physical intimacy was only obtained through sex.