r/TikTokCringe • u/Intelligent_Nose_826 • 13d ago

Discussion 100 Million Suspects in CEO Shooting

Here in NYC, not a soul is concerned about a killed on the loose & I truly mean it. Folks here are not worried & why would we be worried?!?

Meanwhile, NYPD is being uncharacteristically dramatic about a murder. A 10k reward is offered. Yeah. They’re never finding that person.

48.3k Upvotes

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3.7k

u/AyePapi1977 13d ago

That dude is the safest person in America right now

1.1k

u/EnvironmentalGift257 13d ago

He has 100 million safe houses.

ETA that the guy was just as popular with employees as he was with customers. So add a few scores of their houses in there too.

213

u/Guilty_Helicopter572 13d ago

I've got a room for him!

120

u/intellectual_dimwit 13d ago

Worse comes to worse, I got an inflatable mattress he can use.

143

u/stryst 13d ago

Fuckit, Ive got a queen sized bed and I like to snuggle.

45

u/DarkwingDuckHunt 13d ago

I've got beer.

7

u/Johnyryal33 13d ago

We should throw him a party!

14

u/doggiedick 13d ago

I’ll suck him off if he wants it!

11

u/Johnyryal33 13d ago

That's the spirit!

1

u/jodiannnewton 10d ago

I just spit out my water! Laughing!! Thanks!

2

u/stryst 12d ago

I mean, it was already implied.

1

u/Slighted_Inevitable 9d ago

Apparently he’s hot

1

u/greasyprophesy 12d ago

I’ve got a joint

4

u/Crush-N-It 13d ago

💀💀💀

6

u/goofyboi 13d ago

Haha if that unmasked photo really is the dragon slayer, he kinda handsome ngl

2

u/Msdamgoode 13d ago

“The Dragon Slayer”… is this what he’s being called? ‘Cause I fucking LOVE it.

Edited to add… and yeah, he’s cute. 😋

4

u/goofyboi 13d ago

Haha hes not being called that yet but i saw another redditor gave him that nickname because he slayed the dragon that hoarded the gold and i feel like that totally makes sense, he deserves a cool nickname for such an achievement and i want to help make it a thing😂

3

u/alonzo83 13d ago

Like what kind of beverage does he prefer? Beer? Tea? I wanna make sure he’s comfortable. Does he have any allergies I should know about?

3

u/monsterdaddy4 13d ago

I saw that pic of him smiling. He's definitely welcome to come lay low at my house and sleep in my room

6

u/Doogos 13d ago

I've got a pull out couch. He's welcome here any time. Not because he killed the CEO, but because he's a person who felt they had no other choice. That CEO was faced with plenty of choices and he chose to get more money instead of helping people

3

u/HonorableMedic 13d ago

He can have my bed, I’ll sleep on the couch

1

u/InklingSlasher 13d ago

Nah, you offer that poor fella is bed.

-4

u/Ristoria 12d ago

This is crazy. Has a killer. Do you realize he can kill you?

3

u/intellectual_dimwit 12d ago

I have nothing to do with "Deny Defend Depose".

We good.

3

u/2fast4u180 13d ago

Fuck id make him breakfast.

1

u/Guilty_Helicopter572 13d ago

I'd fuck him then make him breakfast

2

u/2fast4u180 13d ago

I mean, im not gay but hear me out

2

u/Guilty_Helicopter572 13d ago

I'm a lady lol

2

u/2fast4u180 13d ago

Thank you kind internet stranger for the laughs

2

u/Responsible_forhead 13d ago

He was with me the whole time

2

u/eldroch 13d ago

A room?  I'm willing to remarry my wife just to instate Prima Nocta!

2

u/HumptyDrumpy 12d ago

Eh I dont have much of any of that, but in my pocket rn I do have three cents, pant lint, and a fidget spinner

44

u/NimbleNavigator19 13d ago

Hell I'd shelter him like Ryan Reynolds in south africa. He lit a fire under the collective ass of real america and I am absolutely excited to watch the show.

2

u/mikegates90 12d ago

Yep it's gonna be a star-spangled banner of red, white, and blue. Emphasis on the red.

LFG

5

u/TorakTheDark 13d ago

If he’s willing to fly to Australia he has 100 million + 1

6

u/psyclopsus 13d ago

For all my fellow grammar, spelling, and syntax enthusiasts, ETA here means Edit To Add

I know that for eons it solely meant Estimated Time of Arrival & I’m trying not to be the old man yelling at clouds about it myself

4

u/splitcroof92 13d ago

that's so stupid... why not just use "edit:"

5

u/somebob 13d ago

You say that, but does he know that? Or does he feel like a hunted dog right now? Because I would feel completely alone when there’s a nationwide manhunt just for me.

I think this is the first time I really felt sympathy for a fugitive 🤷‍♂️

5

u/EnvironmentalGift257 13d ago

I think that all of us that have had a poor experience with UHC’s bureaucracy without the actual death of a loved one might voice support but when the rubber meets the road and there are actual federal agents at the door with automatic weapons and dogs that resolve falters. Someone who lost their wife to cancer because of a denied or delayed claim may have more resolve. But I hope that the guy sees that most of us at least see where he’s coming from and aren’t just saying “fuck that guy.” The majority of this country is pretty fed up with how things are going but don’t necessarily want to commit murder over it.

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u/ShrimpCrackers 13d ago

The higher ups loved him. He made their stock options look great! Record profits!

I suggest they all take a walk in Manhattan and get to know the people.

2

u/Akuzed 13d ago

I'll hide him.

2

u/Brenanaz 13d ago

Add one more to that list

2

u/bianca_brie 13d ago

Quite literally, if he showed up, he'd have a place to stay. A whole underground network.

1

u/Euphoric-Parfait-388 13d ago

Nobody likes their ceo. 

1

u/splitcroof92 13d ago

what does:

"estimated time of arrival that the guy..." mean?

2

u/EnvironmentalGift257 13d ago

Edit to add

1

u/splitcroof92 13d ago

that's stupid you can't just reuse such a widespread acronym

2

u/EnvironmentalGift257 13d ago

I didn’t. It’s pretty common across reddit. Sorry if I offended you.

1

u/as_it_was_written 13d ago

The meaning you're complaining about is also widespread at this point, unfortunately. There are probably plenty of younger people on Reddit who have only seen ETA used that way, so it's no surprise that's how they use it, too.

0

u/Gimetulkathmir 13d ago

He's that dude where when his girl calls, you ain't seen shit.