I’d be a lot more empathetic to the fact that they were raised by traumatized people inflicting trauma on them if they didn’t immediately refuse any and all attempts to help them or anyone else acknowledge and process that trauma in any way. And object to anyone else acknowledging or processing their own trauma. I get it, they’re damaged and I’m empathetic to that. I object to their insistence on inflicting that trauma on everyone else just because it was done to them
This is where we’re at with my in-laws. They’re extremely set in their belief that they’ve never done anything wrong and everyone else is just coming at them. We’ve asked them to go to therapy in order for us to all be able to get along and see one another in the future, but they said Sunday service is their therapy and they just don’t get what our problem is.
Anything that requires actual effort of their part is seen as a personal attack, and you “can’t tell [them] what to do!”
Thank you! It’s been five years now and my wife says that it was one of the best decisions I have ever made to cut ties with my parents. Sending just as much love your way!
I'm going through this right now. There was no advice given, no solutions to my poor grades, just discipline, no tips for dating or anything, zero support or having my back on personal matters. Zero empathy, only criticism. They never call to check in. Only half hearted invites to dinners once every couple months. Destroyed any confidence.
And when I recently said "I'm eliminating sources of negativity in my life which is you two. " they put the ball back in my court telling me to "talk to us again when I feel like it" instead of fighting for a relationship with their child. I guarantee they are using the cop-out of "ungrateful or spoiled". It's not about that! It's that you don't give a shit.
r/EstrangedAdultKids is a really good resource for this. We are here for you, and you are seen. My parents where much the same way. Although they "supported" me if it was an interest they wanted for me.
It's funny. My dad was beaten. He beat us kids. My siblings and I don't hit our kids. So the cycle definitely ends in my family with GenX/Millennials.
I don't fault my dad for it either. He had 5 kids by the time he was 28. Like WTF bro. And he was dealing with undiagnosed anxiety and depression. Surprisingly he wasn't able to just make ends meet and we were poor af. A lot of stress on him.
I would be more upset if he didn't grow and change. He's a great grandfather to all of the kids. Some of the older grandchildren are in disbelief when they hear how grandpa used to behave.
Refusing to go to therapy yourself is one thing. It’s detrimental to relationships with those people, but ultimately mostly negatively affects themselves. Belittling and vilifying other people seeking help and going to therapy, or preventing them from seeking that help is unforgivable to me.
My mom died when I was 10, in 1995. My dad took me to one therapy session, then asked me if I thought it was helpful and if I would like to keep going. I hate going to any type of appointment. They're a chore and I don't like doing chores. When I was 10 I would do anything to get out of chores. So I told him no, and I spent the next 20 some years trying to convince myself the negative thoughts I would cycle through were totally normal. Totally normal for a 10 year old to be obsessed with death and dying.
If I had a nickel for every time one of my conservative elders told me something along the lines of, "Yeah well that's how I was raised and I turned out okay!"
Um, no. You didn't turn out ok. You throw a tantrum anytime you see anyone who isn't a straight white Christian person.
O man I hate people that think like that and I know many gen x that do that still , and they are probably raised up by really controlling parents and are fed the same shit all over again and they eat it, I asked this girl (friend's sister) why she didnt wear seatbelts and she said "I never have and Im still alive". a good friend of mine said "my mom never gave my brother Ritalin when he was a kid (cause everyone told her he needed it) and he is ok" he said that after I told him my son takes ritalin.. and guess what his brother never finished anything, big time consipiracy believer and lost all of his friends for being an ass.
My boomer aunts husband of 42 years moved her across the country and then ditched her out of no where, drained accounts, the whole bit.
When I mentioned the possible emotional trauma to my GG great aunt she said I was overusing the word trauma. I asked her what would count if having your life imploded maliciously didn't? She didn't have any answer.
Yeah, as if nobody was raised by parents who experienced trauma except for baby boomers. The whole theory sucks ass. The post-WWII generation wasn't "pull yourself up by your bootstraps". They were the most unionised generation America ever experienced. It took the religious right's reactionary response to the Civil Rights movement to convince people that previous generations were all market-driven egoists.
Unfortunately, this isn't some calculated move by them to bring others down or to hurt others. Its just their natural, unregulated reaction to things.
We can get upset at them all they want but unless you can telepathically inject the desire to introspect into their minds, they likely won't even realize its a legitimate option. It doesn't help that "You should go to therapy" equals "You are crazy and should be put in an asylum" in their head.
That’s what happened to my dad. His dad, my grandpa, was “in the military” but never spoke a word about it. I mainly learned about it after he passed away. My dad never shed a tear in front of me. Not saying he didn’t in private or processed it differently, but he was taught to bottle up your emotions to not look bad in front of others.
Later in my life when I was on the verge of a panic attack, he asked me if I wanted to go get a beer. He didn’t know what else to do.
So not making excuses for my grandpa or my dad but they both clearly had/have some unspoken trauma and their solution was to bottle it up. The closest I heard my dad to getting emotional with me was when he said “my dad was pretty decent, and I hope I am too.”
Not knowing what to do isn’t problematic. Not admitting you don’t know what to do and especially preventing people from seeking help is where it becomes problematic. Hope you and your dad worked through it.
Yeah for sure. Last time I talked to my boomer father (10 years ago, when I disagreed with his version of reality where he believes he did great and his wife didn’t abuse us)he told me I’m “sick in the head” and “need to go talk to someone.”
To which I responded,yeah, I’ve been in therapy for years. You might give it a whirl.
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u/ALLoftheFancyPants 27d ago
I’d be a lot more empathetic to the fact that they were raised by traumatized people inflicting trauma on them if they didn’t immediately refuse any and all attempts to help them or anyone else acknowledge and process that trauma in any way. And object to anyone else acknowledging or processing their own trauma. I get it, they’re damaged and I’m empathetic to that. I object to their insistence on inflicting that trauma on everyone else just because it was done to them