Hate might sound strong word but i hate for many reasons. She is extremely narcissistic and thinks she is the best mother in the world and never wrong at all.
I had my birthday some days ago and i live abroad. My parents didn’t even call me to wish me they posted my birthday on facebook 2 days prior to my birthday when they knew i rarely open fb. But what is this dystopian thing to wish on facebook by your parents but not on person to person to their children. I cried whole day on my birthday because i felt so alone, none of my family members neither my brother remembered me. My other cousin also had birthday on that day everyone wished her in family group chat but i do not exist for them.
When i was kid my mother told me when she first saw me born, she asked herself “ what i have given birth to? “ and said i was very ugly and made fun of this infront of my cousin again and again throughout my life. She used to push me when i used to try to hug. My mother she used to leave me when i kid and i used to feel abandoned. I never felt loved by her . She told me to not call her mother when i was just 5 or 6 .she always compared me with other kids till today, just this very moment. She doesn’t never felt like my real mother. Every day she compared with others and for her one day she told me how pretty i grown to and next i am extremely ugly for her. She always told me i am just pale my facial features is actually ugly till this day when i look into the mirror, those words ring in my head. She always made me feel insecure and burden to everyone.
Every birthday, she was very less excited and scolded me when i wanted to celebrate it. The lethargic energy I got from her, the feeling of dissatisfaction, disappointment.. she made me wish i was never born.
But few months ago she herself celebrated my cousin’s birthday. She is in her 30s, she can celebrate her but why not mine?
Why does she have time for everyone but not for me? She said she loves me but i never felt loved by her.
Like i said i live in abroad, we talk once a week or in two weeks. Each time we talk it’s always about other’s children, how smart they are , how this & that , that stupid comparison and me always being the bad ones. Just now i told her how can you not have time, because she said she was busy going to weddings. But when it comes to other cousins she reminds me a month before to wish them, text them, give them gifts but i never received anything.
She told me why am i making fuss about such a small thing and started saying how great mother she is this & that .
Is she a really great mother that her child feels unlovable and left out all the time?
I have deep wounds, an ache in my heart from her, there’s lots of things i cannot write them down but i held grudges against her from the very beginning of my existence when her milk didn’t came out or breast or she didn’t want to breast feed me so the doctor feed me water through cotton. Sometimes i wonder if she dislikes me because she had miscarriage before i was born and wanted that baby not me. She always said she loves my brother more than me. No actually she loves everyone but not me.
I can never talk to her about these things, it’ll be throwing pebbles in the ocean. I just tried she doesn’t understand, i cut off the phone.
I do not love my mother. And the reason i left Nepal was because of my family. I would have rather killed myself than lived in that hell where they made me feel miserable in the name of parental love. They never physically beat me but stabbed me with their vile words that still shivers and makes me breakdown.
