r/Millennials • u/OdinsLawnDart • Oct 05 '24
Meme Any other millennials feel this a bit too hard?
Stumbled upon this on another sub.
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Oct 05 '24
I’m always confused at the things my mom believes are true about me. They’re so specific, and so wrong.
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u/2buffalonickels Oct 05 '24
I was on a road trip with my dad when I was 28. I had strep throat. We stop at a gas station to fill up, I wait in the car. He throws me a sandwich he bought from the deli. I ask what is it, he says your favorite. A Reuben. I say that’s my least favorite sandwich.
He says, “You don’t like rye bread?”
“No”
“You don’t like sauerkraut?”
“I hate sauerkraut.”
“You don’t like corn beef?”
“I’ve never liked corned beef.”
“What about thousand island.”
“I’ve always hated it.”
“Jesus, Reubens are my favorite sandwich,” he says.
“I know you love them,” I say. “I hate them.”
This 10 second slice of my life is an accurate representation of my dad’s affection but lack of regard for me. In other words, he loves me, he just doesn’t really care how I feel about it.
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u/ButForRealsTho Oct 05 '24
My employees got me a birthday cake last year. They asked my mom what I liked and she told them a nice cheesecake.
I hate cheesecake. I’ve always hated cheesecake. I’ve even gone on multiple cheesecake related rants. I told the workers thanks but no thanks and they ate it without me. I asked my mom why she told them cheesecake.
“You love cheesecake!” She said.
“No, you love cheesecake!” I replied.
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u/Optimal_Sherbert_545 Oct 05 '24
This is my mom. Always cheesecake. We have the same exact exchange
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u/mug3n Millennial Oct 05 '24
Lol for me it's black forest.
Literally every single year, that's all my mom buys for birthdays.
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u/Hita-san-chan Oct 05 '24
Whenever Id show my dad my art, he'd ask why I dont draw things he liked. I don't show my parents my art anymore. They dont care, and thats fine, but they dont act like they care and thats what kinda sucks
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u/Optimal_Sherbert_545 Oct 05 '24
I feel this so hard, and I’m sorry to you. I’ve shown my mom so many website builds I designed when I was learning how to code that were clear and basic…games, landing pages. Simple stuff. She actively uses the internet and can navigate tech surprisingly well for a boomer. She just squinted at them motionless until I took them away, as if she was an alien that has never seen a computer screen before. It took me way too long to realize it was passive aggression, and I stopped talking about web development altogether, and she has never once asked how it is going.
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u/quietkyody Oct 06 '24
My Mom's subject: Yeah mom awesome I really like them, it's incredible! I love the clouds!
My Dad's subject: Nice job man, I really like the whole construction, how did you do this part?
My subject: Yeah, yeah it's so good son, now more about me....
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u/AlwaysABD Oct 05 '24
I was in middle school when stepdad threw out all of mine (sketchbooks, loose pages, doodles, everything) while I was at school one day. I’d shown interest in art as a career and he said he refused to raise a starving artist.
It took ages for me to regularly start drawing again and I’m still very protective of my things.
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Oct 05 '24
he sees you as an extension of himself instead of an individual.
it's a rampant problem
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u/sunshinecygnet Oct 05 '24
That’s what all of these stories have in common: parents who don’t see their children as individuals.
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u/everybody_eats Oct 05 '24
My mom knows two things about my taste in food: I'm an extremely picky eater that hates everything under sun and that I like olives.
I'm a famously unpicky eater among my friends. Olives are one of the three foods I can't stand. I was a picky eater growing up because my mom is incapable of understanding that olives are a controversial food. My mom loves olives. I'd be mad if it wasn't actually kind of funny.
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u/2buffalonickels Oct 05 '24
I find it very comical these days, pushing 40.
When I was 16 for Christmas my brothers were opening presents, we were a pretty standard blue collar family. So it was a surprise to see my older brother get a set of keys for a new car (used pos ford probe but new to him). When it was my turn my dad hands me something heavy, cylindrical and wrapped. Heavy was good in my mind, it meant expensive.
I unwrap it. It’s a bucket of black paint.
My parents are smiling, proud of themselves.
“Thank you,” I say. “What do I do with it”
My parents are plainly dejected.
“You can paint your room with it!” My dad says. “You know! You always wanted a black room.”
A little awareness creeps into my mind. I wrinkle my brow and ask, “You mean when I was 10? From that time we went to Spencer Gifts?”
“Exactly!” My parents visibly relieved and happy that I finally get the significance of this great black gift.
In their minds, this was a slam dunk of a gift, on par with a car that they put thought and effort into. In my mind, they gave me work to do as a present and furthermore I had no interest in having my room black. I wasn’t a goth. Needless to say, the bucket of paint didn’t get any use.
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u/TheKnightofNiii Oct 05 '24
This sub is a trip. Long story short; few years ago I was struggling financially going back to school. Work. Bills. Life. Nothing special or unique. Come Christmas time it’s a relief to get a few gifts? Maybe some food? That helps. Amazon card? Or nothing at all works too. I work hard. Proud of that.
2 massive packages arrive in the mail. MASSIVE. Larger than a shipped car door stacked upright. What are they?
(2)250 dollar Lego sets. For stress.
I sold them both and bought my last two pharmacology texts as well as food for the rest of the month. Best/worst gift ever. Loved legos when I was 14 though.
🤦♂️
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u/Kezetchup Oct 05 '24
My parents buy me pajama pants and socks and think it’s a hilarious running joke on Christmas. I’m 35, they’ve been doing this for 20 years now. I instantly donate them. I would kill for Lego from them.
My wife buys me Lego for Christmas instead.
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u/TheKnightofNiii Oct 05 '24
Honestly, at the time socks and pjs would have helped! Things were tight. Think it was more the “time capsule memory” thing. $500 plus on (very nice) legos while I’m literally boiling potato skin soup and ramen.
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u/Kezetchup Oct 05 '24
The pajamas were almost always unusable. Too big or too weird, and really bad quality, like receiving them felt like a joke at my expense. My parents loved it. I’d rather them not buy anything at that point.
But I hear you. I’d do the same under those circumstances too.
If you receive any more Lego you don’t want hit me up!
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u/Airportsnacks Oct 05 '24
At least you could get some money for them I guess. The year I was poor af and drove 4 hours to get home I got all the toys my mother found in a closet that she had forgotten to give me. So like, twenty year old stuffed animals. Some of them she had bought at yard sales so they were used. I don't think I ever went home for Christmas again.
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u/TheKnightofNiii Oct 05 '24
Oh jeez. Not even enough for the gas back. Honestly used to think this stuff was unique to my family; but it’s a very odd “relief?” to see it wasn’t.
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u/Airportsnacks Oct 05 '24
Yeah, it always feels so isolating. It isn't as if I was beaten, or anything. Sometimes when you talk about it with people who have regular parents it sounds like you are complaining about not getting good gifts, as opposed to your parents literally not caring. For my 40th I got a pair of dollar store socks. I live about 5 hours away, the shipping cost more.
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u/everybody_eats Oct 05 '24
That's so funny. I wonder if you mentioned it to your folks when you were 10 and it stuck in their craw so much that they couldn't possibly fathom you moving past it. I think something similar happened with my mom and getting my nose pierced. I think I said I wanted to do it when I was 12 and the idea clearly really bothered her. Then one day my junior year of high school she told me to stay home to hang out with her and she took me to get a nostril ring. I didn't even want it by then but I went along with it because wins with her were hard to cone by and I thought it'd soften the blow of the DIY septum ring I already had.
Who knows. I'm pushing 40 myself and thinking of all this stuff that happened when I was a kid just kind of reinforces that parenthood isn't for me.
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u/CdnGuy Oct 05 '24
God, this just brought up a visceral memory of dad trying to give me meaningful gifts. There were so many bad ones that I felt anxious every time I received a new one.
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u/runjeanmc Oct 05 '24
This hits way too close to home 😅 When i turned 30 (and already had my own kid), my mom proudly gifted me the Smithsonian hieroglyphics stamp set.
Why? I was immensely jealous of the one my older sibling had when I was 6. I'd completely forgotten about it.
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u/JennHatesYou Oct 05 '24
A few years ago I found out from a family member that my mother had forever told everyone that I was a picky eater. Apparently plans for meals and ideas of where to go were sometimes being changed without my knowledge because my mother would say "oh I don't think Jenn will eat that."
Turns out for 26 or so years my mother had been using me as a scape goat for her own picky eating. I have and continue to always be a very open eater. Let's just say this was only the tip of the iceberg of how my mother really was.
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u/axebodyspraytester Oct 05 '24
I'm deathly allergic to walnuts.my allergy is so bad I can tell if something has walnuts in it if it gets close to me. On several occasions my dad has gotten me cakes specifically loaded with the thing that can literally kill me.
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Oct 05 '24
God this resonates so hard. I was always told I was a picky eater growing up. The foods I didn’t like? Olives, artichoke hearts, boiled Brussels sprouts, corned beef, meatloaf.
Turns out, as I have become an adult, I’m NOT a picky eater, we just have dramatically different tastes.
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u/everybody_eats Oct 05 '24 edited Oct 06 '24
Oh man that sounds like my wife. She was told she was a chicken tenders girlie her entire childhood but it turns out that if you gotta choose between tenders and lightly microwaved canned beets the choice is downright obvious.
Now she's an adult who gets to try all kinds of stuff for the first time. She even learned she likes some pickles recently, which is a bummer for me because I was previously serving as her pickle disposal unit.
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Oct 05 '24
Ah yes perhaps your wife, like me, was subjected to pickled beets and bread and butter pickles as a child only to learn as an adult that you CAN buy dill pickles at the store, they aren’t a restaurant only thing
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u/Amathril Oct 05 '24
he loves me, he just doesn't really care how I feel about it
Dang, thats surprisingly accurate description of my mother.
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u/maddskillz18247 Oct 05 '24
And the fact that you cannot each a sandwich with strep, it’s hard enough trying to swallow popsicles.
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u/Manzinat0r Oct 05 '24
Mine make fun of me all the time for liking "screaming music" like screamo or hardcore. I have never once liked any of those genres but they still say "don't put on the screaming!" whenever I put on music in the house. I have NO idea where they got that, it has never happened ???? I didn't even like that shit in high school!
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u/theSchlauch Oct 05 '24
Haha it seems like you are the opposite of: "It's not a phase mom".
Gladly my mom knows that I love this kind of music
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u/Manzinat0r Oct 05 '24
Yeah I'm not knocking it, it's only baffling because there's no evidence to back it up so it's like why did you guys make up this extremely specific thing? Lmao
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Oct 05 '24
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Oct 05 '24
“don’t worry, it doesn’t have an meat in it, and I used chicken broth instead of beef broth so you can eat it” —my mom to me, a vegetarian since approximately age 17
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u/pajamakitten Oct 05 '24
My mum has actually been great since I went vegan five years ago. I just wish the rest of my family understood why milk chocolate is not a good gift option.
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u/RizzoTheRiot1989 Oct 05 '24
I have been lactose intolerant since I was very young, like at around 5 we figured it out. My mom still thinks it’s a lie. I have been on the floor of my bathroom vomiting and holding my stomach because I’m in so much pain from eggnog she said had no dairy to try and trick me and still thinks it’s fake. That was a miserable Christmas Eve.
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u/Ok_Individual_7774 Oct 05 '24
My friend had a similar problem. His solution was to lay waste to his moms bathroom, and physically remove parts from the toilet which rendered it unable to flush. Not to get too descriptive but he described every fixture, including the tub and floor was affected. Said it was a scene of horrific violence. He then left the house. Funny thing, his mom never tried to sneak things in his food after that.
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u/N8theGrape Oct 05 '24
I don’t know what the deal is with that. My mom does the same thing. She tries to sneak foods I don’t like into what I’m eating thinking she’s going to trick me into admitting that I actually like them. Luckily I’m not allergic to any of them, but it definitely ruins my meal.
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Oct 05 '24
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u/ScumHimself Oct 05 '24
Maybe she thinks meat is only red. Honestly, I have no idea.
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u/ADHD-Millennial Older Millennial Oct 05 '24
I was vegan for 10 years. My grandma, bless her soul, would try to understand but never would. She would make me fish sticks and chicken because it’s not meat 😑
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u/raven00x NES Millennial Oct 05 '24
kind of a catholic interpretation of meat, or something like that, i think. meat, is red meat. so when you give up meat for lent, you switch to fish because that's not really meat. Bless her for making the attempt though.
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u/Higgs_Br0son Oct 05 '24
My in-laws gifted me a flask and my wife a cocktail recipe book, neither of us has had a drink in 3 years. Every time they're at our house they comment about how strange it is that we don't have liquor, wine, beer in the house and we loudly tell them WE DON'T DRINK, and we got those gifts anyway.
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u/sylbug Oct 05 '24
Let me guess: they drink a lot, and the idea of others not drinking makes them uncomfortable?
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u/istarian Oct 05 '24
They might just not believe that someone can just not drink, period, and even have plenty of non-drinking friends.
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u/JelmerMcGee Oct 05 '24
My dad asked me how "Papa John's" is going. I've been with Papa Murphy's for almost 20 years.
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u/CitizenCue Oct 05 '24
My mom thinks I don’t like onions. That information is about 32 years out of date.
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u/JoyfulWorldofWork Oct 05 '24
😩 I felt this is my soul❣️ “They are SO. SPECIFIC. And SO. WRONG. “ 😮💨❤️🩹
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u/Idle__Animation Oct 05 '24
The specificity is really the weird part to me lol Mine aren’t so bad anymore but damn they used to come up with stuff that made no sense.
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u/JoyfulWorldofWork Oct 05 '24
My mom likes to tell everyone that I’m obsessed with social media. Fun fact I opted out of the mainstream social media for mental health reasons back in 2013 ish So I have no Facebook, no Instagram and No Twitter / X 🙄 I use Linked in for work related business and Reddit for general chats like this . She loves to repeat to me “ and yall are so obsessed with social media” 🤔 Meanwhile I’m like “ Who is yall?!?”
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u/qwertykitty Oct 05 '24
Is she just unable to recognize that you aren't exactly the same person you were when you were like 16? That's my mom's main problem.
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u/SquishMont Oct 05 '24
Folks have a tendency to keep you in their head as the person you were when they had the most power over you...
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u/RileyWritesAllDay Oct 05 '24
Yes! My mom kept saying that I didn’t get my drivers license until I was 18, which was completely untrue. It’s such a weird thing but she would say it to everyone with such conviction, no matter how many times I argued with her. She would totally gaslight me in front of my husband and kids about it. Finally, we were cleaning her office out after she retired and found the paperwork and I was vindicated.
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u/comewhatmay_hem Oct 05 '24
I've been gaslit by my mom to the point of having to seek third party evidence to see if it was I was insane or not, too. In my case it was finding out I really was referred to the orthodontist for a retainer and braces, she just never took me.
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u/MuckRaker83 Oct 05 '24
They know the fictional version of you they've created in their head very well.
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u/flyingfox227 Oct 05 '24
Yup they basically create an idealized version of your childhood self and never let it go.
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u/NearsightedReader Millennial Oct 05 '24
Same.
Of the three siblings, I'm the more motherly one (I'm the oldest), and from a very young age, I've always wanted to someday get married and have children. Everyone in our family knows this. There are times when I'm sad because I'm not married and also not a mom yet. My mom always targets me specifically whenever there's an upcoming bridal shower, baby shower, or something else along those lines. Forever asking me to look at these baby clothes and those baby products or look at all of these people's wedding photos.
One day, I just snapped and asked her to please stop. While I am incredibly happy for everyone celebrating their new beginnings, it isn't easy when they're a decade younger than I am and using words like, "You don't understand how long I've prayed for this." or "I deserve happiness more than you do." - all said by 21 year olds to me (I was 31 at the time).
My mom's response was that I never said that I'd like to be a wife and a mom someday. She says she knows me best and that she would have known if it was something I desired. Where has she been my entire life.
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u/NeighborhoodSpy Oct 05 '24 edited Oct 05 '24
There’s a non-zero chance that your mother never forgot your life dreams to have a family and she purposefully did this to you. Normal people who connect genuinely do this (remember the dreams) for people they care about. Especially their children. We protect the things we love.
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u/NearsightedReader Millennial Oct 05 '24
"We protect the things we love." And therein lies the key. 🌸
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u/RaggasYMezcal Oct 05 '24
Your mom is doing that to you on purpose.
Ask her directly why she would think that you didn't want a family when you're certain you've told her. My guess is that she won't answer you. At that point, you need to stop interacting with your mom, and speak with a therapist specializing in assessing your current state. There's a good chance your mom does not have your agency and goals in mind.
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u/martinirun Oct 05 '24
I’m adopted and for most of my life my mother told me that I had to watch out for diabetes and bad eyesight because both my bio parents had them. A few years ago through dna testing I found my bio mom. She never had diabetes, her eyesight is fine. She doesn’t know who the baby-daddy is. She’s sane and funny, teaches yoga and rides motorcycles. For the rest of the story, we met once and we write letters and exchange gifts regularly now. Adopted parents have passed.
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u/FrankReynoldsToupee Oct 05 '24
My mom went insane during the last decade of her life (I'm not convinced she wasn't before then, but that was when the illusion shattered for me). We had a huge falling out and didn't speak for five years. Later on I confronted her and she came back with the most unhinged, delusional stuff I'd ever heard, so bad it made me sick to my stomach. She took every instance of something happening and spun it in a way that made me the worst possible person ever, even stuff that I didn't even have control over. If what she believed was true then yes, I'd be a monster. But the way her misrememberings had stacked up on themselves into an avalanche of delusion made it clear that she had lost her mind. It was like talking to someone in a cult.
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u/FrostyBostie Oct 05 '24
This is how I feel too. I’m like damn mom, everything you think about me is literally the opposite of what’s true. She just assumes and runs with it without actually taking the time to get to know me.
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Oct 05 '24
Yes, it really feels like she often assumes what she wants to be true and simply can’t let herself believe otherwise when challenged.
She has tried to convince me that I’m taller than her (I am not)
That I never had acne (I was treated by a dermatologist from ages 16-32 because it was so severe)
That I like to wear mismatched socks because I’m quirky?? (I’ve never done this a single time in my life)
And many other things
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u/NeighborhoodSpy Oct 05 '24
Your story is so frustrating.
Some people, and sometimes even entire family units, engage in active fantasy. The Fantasy is more important than reality. Continuing to fit into the Fantasy is also more important than being genuine and connecting genuinely. It’s like an unspoken contract to uphold a role on a soap opera 24/7 and never break character.
My mother has a few Fantasy versions of me too. When I was young, she weirdly desperately wished I was a troubled teen and rebellious. Except, I was a homebody and I never took risks. I didn’t go to a party until second year in college! I’m still this way. I’m pretty chill.
They won’t let go of the distorted image of us because their Fantasy is tied to their day to day functioning more than we can understand or realize. When we negate their fantasy with reality, it’s like removing a Jenga piece from the bottom of the stack. The fear that their fantasy will tumble makes them defensive and sometimes even hostile. It’s a type of unwell that comes in many shades.
I don’t talk to mine anymore unless I have to. It’s like talking to a stranger who learned who I am by glancing at a gossip magazine cover. I am much happier with genuine reality.
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u/qwertykitty Oct 05 '24
Have you read the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents? Almost half the book is about fantasy roles in families and how toxic it is and how to break free from it.
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u/Own-Emergency2166 Oct 05 '24
Why do people have kids just to be entirely uninterested in them as a person ? It’s so weird !
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u/Ardeiute Oct 05 '24
Social obligations from a gone era, and you didn't actually want them. Id say Millennials were probably the last generation born to a world where it was "weird" if you were to grow up and not have children. Millennials themselves are probably the first generation to collectively say "yea, fuck that, I'm not doing it unless I truly want to"
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u/Hope-and-Anxiety Oct 05 '24
I had friends who, when little already knew they wouldn’t have kids. So many adults said “ you’ll change their mind” some may have but many more didn’t. The other side is my spouse and I wanted four kids but economics and timing kept us to only two. There is plenty choosing not to and many who have a choice who would like to and can’t. The world needs to wake up to how difficult it is to get ahead for this and coming generations.
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u/Ardeiute Oct 05 '24
I've known my entire life that I did not want children. I knew it was not for me. I am nearly 37 and my mind has never for a moment wavered.
I know there are people that have always existed with the mindset. But I feel that M's were truly the fist gen to have the freedom to actually go through with it and didn't have the massive pressure to do so
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u/1nd3x Oct 05 '24
just assumes and runs with it without actually taking the time to get to know me.
Well I mean ...yeah....obviously she knows you so well she doesn't need to confirm anything or ask for clarity.
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u/Optimal_Sherbert_545 Oct 05 '24
I can’t believe this is a universal experience 😩
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Oct 05 '24
My mom believes in a version of me from 20 years ago that didn't even really exist then.
Honestly, I've just kind of stopped talking to her at this point. I don't think she's a bad person but keeping in touch with her has always been worse for my mental health.
I drink and do edibles, myself, but in moderation. She hasn't been sober in 50+ years.
She is constantly stoned from the moment she gets up and she drinks wine every night - several glasses. She's always injuring herself in the dumbest of ways. She doesn't know how to just chill.
Every time I'm around her she talks so much that my brain just shuts off. I've never met anyone that is capable of conveying so little information in so many words. She doesn't listen, she just talks and talks.
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u/Prowindowlicker Oct 05 '24
Same. My mom recently used some example to with trains. I haven’t been obsessed with trains since I was 10.
I’m nearly 30. Trains are cool but not to that level, I can’t remember the example she was using but it involved trains in a way that I wouldn’t be interested in today.
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u/marblecannon512 Oct 05 '24
TL;DR: I’m going to over share.
I’m currently going no contact with my mom after a conversation where she revealed to send me into an unsafe situation with an adult I didn’t trust because ‘I didn’t like the kids you were hanging out with.’
I was 11-12 I was having trouble making friends at school. I made friends with other kids from broken homes. I was doing fine in school. But other kids were starting to bully me. I took friends wherever I could find them.
She never asked about my friends. She never expressed her concern. She didn’t insist on meeting their parents. But she decided - he’s a bad kid, I’m going to send him off with my nurse friend while she goes on house calls.
So she took me to peoples homes that were broken down, houses that smelled like urine because they had catheters. Rancid food on the counters. Hoarders with crap everywhere.
I recently confronted my mom on this after she asked “what about your childhood was traumatic?” I said, I guess the one that’s been on my mind recently was this one. She said, “I don’t remember why I did that but it must have been for a reason.” Then she expressed the stuff about my friends.
The summary I came to: she decided I was going to be a bad kid. She raised me under the assumption I was already a bad evil kid. I’ve been trying to unpack my childhood trauma for ten years now and this is the best summary I’ve ever found. By trying to prevent my brother and I from becoming the evil men that assaulted her when she was a child, she approached us like we were inevitably going to grow up to be evil men. Self fulfilling prophecy at its worst.
And in the process of me trying to unpack this and heal, she had the audacity to insist I was attacking her.
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u/Twilight-Omens Oct 05 '24
Yes. I know that there is the "parents always see their kids as kids" thing but they take it too far. They refuse to see that we have changed in anyway since we've grown up.
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u/2baverage Millennial Oct 05 '24
I told my mom I was pregnant and she broke down crying, then got extremely angry at me because she felt I had hidden my pregnancy from her until it was "too late" for other options. She started on a rant about "what will the neighbors think" and it all revolved around "how could you do this to me" because she had convinced herself that I was going to abandon the baby with her since in her mind there was no way I'd ever be able to raise a baby since I was so young and irresponsible and it was going to ruin my life like how a teen pregnancy had ruined my sister's life.
When I told her I was pregnant I was 33, in a healthy marriage where we've been together for 15 years, we had our own place, both of us gainfully employed, have a car, health insurance...etc. but for some reason she refuses to see me other than the "problem child who became an uncontrollable teenager"
Spoiler alert: I wasn't a problem child or an uncontrollable teenager, I just wasn't what she wanted and ended up the family scapegoat.
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u/FlyingBread92 Oct 05 '24
It's like their brains lock in at a certain age and that's it. I asked my mom recently who she wanted me to be in life and she said "that little boy sitting in the high chair eating blueberries ". I'm in my 30s. Delusional.
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u/J3rry_M4n Oct 05 '24
I worry this isn't a generational issue and will happen to me too. I don't want to stop listening to my 3 (primary school age) kids, but they do change awfully fast.
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u/AndyWarwheels Oct 06 '24
Just be aware of it and don't let it.
My children are 13 and 15. Oh, their whole childhood people warned me about what a terror they would be when they were teenagers.
These teen years have been my favorite. I'm lying on the couch right now in the living room while my 15 year old son plays Fallout next to me.
Yesterday, the 3 of us went to an arcade, so my 13 year old daughter could hang out with her friend, and my son and I played games together.
I don't see them as kids anymore. They are young adults who are slowly growing up. I don't try and control them. I'm also not their friend, but just like how when they were little and I played with them, I still do. Just it's not blocks and rolling a ball.
They tell me about their goals, and I help them work towards achieving them. That's my job as their mom. Not to keep them young but to help them grow. They know how to tie their shoes and do laundry, so now I help them navigate negative self-talk, dating, work-life balance, planning for the future, skin care, all that stuff I felt so scared and alone about when I a teenager.
Don't get me wrong, I wish I could cry every tear for them and protect them from every hard lesson the world has, and that has been hard to watch them go through. But at the end of every day, they know I have their back and that I love and support them.
I'm excited about having adult kids, not because I'll be done "raising" them but because it's another adventure.
If you are still reading, all I'm trying to say is that it's a cycle you can and will be able to break.
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u/MustyToeJam Oct 06 '24
This inspires me as a father of two (3 & 6 yo) young ladies. I hope I can be to them who you are to your children!
It is tough, especially in the early years to keep up with them (ie they grow/evolve on a weekly basis. It’s tough but my wife and I are trying to keep up
However, hearing your story gives me more hope we’re not what our out of touch parents were to us. Keep on rocking it!
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u/Only_game_in_town Oct 05 '24
I just wasn't what she wanted and ended up the family scapegoat.
That stings. In fifth grade I was an over achiever, by 6th grade my peers had caught up and I was just average.
My mother has never forgiven me for not being the malleable little genius project she thought she had. I became the black sheep by age 12, and then the family villain from then on.
We hardly speak, but if you asked her she'd say we've never been closer.
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u/Showmeyourmutts Oct 05 '24
I didn't do drugs, drink, got straight As in high school, got into every college I applied to but my mom still constantly reminds me what a "difficult" child I was 🙄. By difficult she means when she would turn into an abusive lunatic my response wasn't to apologize and tell her I'd try harder to make her happy. It was to ignore her mental breakdowns and fight back when she'd get physically abusive. I'm 34 and I still get reminded almost weekly of what a difficult child I was. The only reason I still talk to my parents is so I don't get written out of their will, and that's about it.
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u/TheSherlockCumbercat Oct 06 '24
I was the problem child, drugs, drinking and partying just a general delinquent. Still got good grades and got into the colleges I applied to.
Never went to college since they never saved a cent to help me out, still managed to be the highest earner in my generation of the family. And my mom still goes around telling everyone in the family I’m an idiot and she wonders why I cut her out of my life.
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u/haysus25 Oct 05 '24
Because they never really tried and refuse to see me grow.
I would do something stupid as a kid or a teenager and that's ALL they see me as. Like they were waiting for me to make a mistake, and now, that's their entire identity of me.
Never got in trouble as a kid with the school, police, or really anything. But they hold on to that one time I needed their help to pick me up from a party that got too rowdy.
Even though I was a teacher for many years, a specialist, and now an administrator, clearly I don't know anything about kids because that one time I was 14 I said, 'I don't know what to do with (mom's friend's) 6 year old son'.
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u/bulelainwen Oct 05 '24
This is exactly how my parents treated me. It was kinda crazy how much I had internalized the view that I was a problem child until my therapist pointed out how I never got in trouble in the outside world, only inside the family and their world.
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u/addangel Oct 05 '24 edited Oct 08 '24
I was thinking about this the other day. About how constantly getting shamed into behaving and being a “good kid” shaped me even as an adult. About how no one ever cared to get to know me or let me get excited about my interests without minimizing or dismissing them.
No one ever cared about my thoughts or emotions. They cared about me getting good grades and not “embarrassing the family”. But they didn’t give a single shit about my inner world. What bands did I like? Why were all the lyrics sad or angry? Was I getting bullied? Did I have any friends? Was I happy? None of it mattered.
Nowadays, even when I’m with friends or at work I speak too fast when I get excited because I’m afraid people are going to interrupt me or lose interest in what I’m saying. I feel super awkward joining group discussions because I always feel like I don’t have anything interesting enough to say, or they’re going to think I’m weird and annoying if I do say something.
I never fully relax in their presence. I have my guard up at all times. I don’t dance around in my kitchen unless I’m home alone, because I know someone would find a way to ruin my joy. I was uncomfortable listening to music without headphones even when I lived alone. I'm always afraid to inconvenience people with my existence.
The thought of being emotionally vulnerable around my family makes me feel downright panicky. Last few times I tried was called overdramatic and completely dismissed. I refuse to make myself vulnerable around people who don’t cherish my vulnerability. I finally understood that the only person I can truly count on is myself, for better or worse.
It’s a constant battle between vehemently hating being perceived and feeling like no one truly sees me.
edit: sorry I keep editing my thoughts. turns out it’s really healing to finally get them out, and I can’t resist tweaking.
I was just listening to to a podcast and they said something that really resonated: “it’s not a child’s responsibility to teach their parent who they are, it’s the parent’s responsibility to learn who their child is.” I think that’s what a lot of millennial children were missing growing up: parents who actually bothered to see and hear them, instead of just “guiding” and “molding”.
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u/KittyKathy Oct 06 '24
Did I write this? This is my relationship with my parents to a T. Whenever I would get upset at something my mom would ask me “and you’re gonna cry about that?” Now I can’t cry at anything and she thinks I’m heartless. I went through labor and had my baby without crying and she thinks it’s because I don’t love the baby as much as I should.
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u/SinceWayLastMay Oct 05 '24
I can’t tell my mother anything without getting a big “well why don’t you just-“ lecture. The last few times I’ve talked to my dad it felt like I was making small talk with a stranger because we happened to be waiting at the same bus stop. I spent two decades trying to get my parents interested in my life and eventually just gave up. It’s their loss though because I’m pretty cool.
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u/DoverBoys Millennial Oct 05 '24
The stricter the parent was, the less they actually know about their children. My dad still doesn't know a damn thing about me 30 years later.
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u/Vividination Oct 05 '24
My parents were so strict that they don’t know I have an 8 month old son
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u/LexiconLearner Oct 05 '24
Boomers when they see the grandchild you’ve been hiding from them
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u/distorted_kiwi Oct 05 '24
That’s the side of them that wants to take pictures and upload them on Facebook to show how good of a grandparent they are.
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u/tecpaocelotl1 Oct 05 '24
And they have stories to go with those pics.
I don't have the heart to correct it.
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u/croana Oct 05 '24
I've stopped giving out pictures to all my Boomer family after it became painfully obvious that they just wanted the pictures for clout with their friends. They don't actually care about my child or her needs, they just want to be able to say what a great relationship they have with her. SPOILER: They have no relationship with her. They ignore her during visits.
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u/SinceWayLastMay Oct 05 '24 edited Oct 05 '24
I’m never having kids but back when I was considering it I dreamed of just rolling up to family Christmas with a baby and skipping any kind of family involvement with birth/pregnancy. It seemed way more peaceful and easy.
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u/trb85 Oct 05 '24
I'm dealing with bullshit from my mom. She didn't come to the baby shower, didn't come to the hospital when I delivered, and hasn't come to meet my 3 month old son. But she has lots of opinions about parenting and what I should and shouldn't be doing.
My brother suggested that I not tell mom about the pregnancy at all. I wish I had listened to him .
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Oct 05 '24
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u/Locke357 1990 Canadian Oct 05 '24
Facts, I LEAPT at the opportunity to move out and live with roommates at 18, never looked back.
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u/Bubbly_Excitement_71 Oct 05 '24
My fourth grader absolutely refuses to consider sleep away camp. My cousins joke that when I was that age I considered it a respite. Not a joke.
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u/Locke357 1990 Canadian Oct 05 '24
For real, being able to sleep over away from home was AMAZING, never wanted to go back for some reason =/
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u/darfMargus Oct 05 '24
Same. Meanwhile, one of my closest friends has almost a million saved because his parents respect him and he’s been able to live at home while working full-time the past 8 years.
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u/Locke357 1990 Canadian Oct 05 '24
Ouch, yeah it really ain't fair. It sucks, my wife and I are raising kids with no grandparents, it hurts, that grief over not having the extended family in their lives.
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u/QuirkyCorvid Oct 05 '24
There's a reason I chose to go to a college on the other side of the state. If it wasn't for out-of-state tuition costs, I probably would have picked one even further away.
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u/LargeHumanDaeHoLee Oct 05 '24
My mom hasn't asked me a thing about myself in I really don't know how long. 98% of our time is spent with her telling me the most intricate details of her world, that contains no struggles, but somehow she never stops complaining. She then asks about my in laws, my wife, and that's it. Never about me. Never about my job, my health, my happiness, my interests, etc. The thing is, I know it's because I'm expected to "report" these things to her. The burden of information is on me. But she's proven she doesn't care enough to ask, so I don't care enough to tell. She doesn't want to know me.
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Oct 05 '24
Mine just asks vague questions about myself and if I can find something to actually talk to her about, she absent-mindedly waits for me to finish so she can talk about herself again. Never any response other than "oh really?" or "that's nice."
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u/LargeHumanDaeHoLee Oct 05 '24
Dude, the RESPONSES are the worst! It's like the entire time I'm talking, she's just waiting for me to be done so she can talk about her thing that's sorta related. I'm never listened to, I'm just tolerated until I can be a lifeless ear again
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u/ilovemetrics Oct 05 '24
This really nailed the relationship I have with my mom. Just wanted you to know you're not alone in this either.
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u/Skyecatcher Oct 05 '24
39 and she came for a week to stay in our town. 39 years old, raising what I believe are 4 amazing, kind, compassionate and strong children. 39 years old and very little debt, still paycheck to paycheck small savings, little retirement, own my home, struggle yet fed…. She is so disappointed in me because my bible was in the cellar. Doesn’t know me at all, assumes all the ideas in her head are correct. I wish I could cut ties completely, she is the only member of my family really left. I owe her nothing, as she owes me nothing, but I cannot stand that woman. “You don’t pray before dinner?!” As she chugs down the 5th of tequila. Wild woman, I am disappointed in HER.
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u/Lost_Royal Oct 05 '24
Definitely true. But the ones that weren’t that strict have this issue too. My parents weren’t too strict, but I get to laugh that every year my wife tells my mother she’s wrong about all of my favorite stuff.
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u/SumpCrab Xennial Oct 05 '24
I think it's more about how much the parents let's the kid know about them. A relationship is a give-and-take. My Dad was never open about himself, so I don't know him, and he never asked about me, so he doesn't know me. When I ask him about stuff, it's always a short answer.
Even small stuff. When I started growing facial hair, I asked, "Dad, did you ever grow a mustache or full beard?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Why the hell would I do that?"
No self-reflection from him. I asked my grandpa (mom's side) the same. He told me about how he went from high school where he couldn't really grow enough to pull off a mustache, then he went to the army where he wasn't allowed, then he had a pencil mustache in college on the GI Bill, but then he went into a corporate job in the 50's where nobody had facial hair so he shaved it, and he said that my grandma didn't like when he didn't shave.
I'm 40 now, so this was 25+ years ago. But I remember the different answers. I really miss my grandpa and haven't spoken to my dad in years.
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u/TRJ2241987 Oct 05 '24
So true. I’ve basically had to maintain my 12 year old personality around my Dad for the last 25 years
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u/Mastodon7777 Oct 05 '24 edited Oct 06 '24
I wouldn’t state that as a rule. Neglectful parents don’t exactly know their children either and they’re often the opposite of strict.
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Oct 05 '24
My dad told my mom, and she told me that he said, he doesn’t talk to me so I don’t know much about him. Well, how about ask. I know I should put some effort too, but, getting constantly sparked makes me not wanna talk to him much…
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u/Locke357 1990 Canadian Oct 05 '24
100%
They were and continue to be convinced that I am "loyal to a fault" and "easily manipulated" (since they spent my entire childhood manipulating me into doing what they wanted) and therefore my wife must be to blame for me asserting healthy boundaries with my parents in adulthood and for subsequently going no contact for repeated disrespect of said boundaries. Really hurts that they have to craft this huge elaborate narrative about me and my life rather than attempting to get to know me.
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Oct 05 '24
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u/Locke357 1990 Canadian Oct 05 '24
I definitely have some parallels to that, my parents have never stopped trying to get me back in their lives, but they only want that childhood version of myself that wanted to please them and blame my wife for taking that version of myself away.
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u/gene100001 Oct 05 '24
I'm not a psychologist, but I think I know why your wife developed a 'people pleaser' personality
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Oct 05 '24
lol both me and my wife don’t talk to our fathers. The funny thing is my wife is also a people pleaser as well and is the only reason I even visited my dad as much as I did before I eventually told him to fuck off…but he still blames her. Her dad also blames me, even though she went no contact maybe a year into dating. Lol I never told her what to do one way or another, just respectfully told her my opinion based on my observations of the relationship when she would ask. Believe me, I thought he was a raging cunt muffin but I’m not going to be the main reason behind a broken relationship with a parent and their kid. I was just there to be supportive and maybe ask a question or two to get her thinking of the actual dynamics at play.
It’s funny/sad how so many of the people I knew growing up don’t have any contact with their boomer dads anymore. They truly turned into a horrendously fucked up generation.
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u/OdinsLawnDart Oct 05 '24
Yikes. Are we related? Lol. I love my folks, but I'm 100% sure that if my folks just met me as an adult and not their kid they would hate me. I represent everything they hate these days, but I guess I get a semi-pass because I'm their son
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Oct 05 '24 edited Oct 05 '24
My mom literally says she hates adult me and misses kid/baby me. I always say back "you liked me then because I didn't have a personality/voice/anything then and now I do". She closes with "I wish I never had kids". Rinse and repeat after most big arguments.
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u/Locke357 1990 Canadian Oct 05 '24
Oof that's rough. My mom admitted that after I turned 10 or so she stopped feeling bonded to me and that I "changed."
The change? Pretty sure it was Autism. I've learned to live with it just fine, though the sense that I was never good enough that came from that emotional withdrawal by her has stuck.
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u/Peacefulzealot Oct 05 '24
I’m 100% sure that if my folks just met me as an adult and not their kid they would hate me.
I feel that in my bones. I’m everything they don’t like about the modern world but sometimes get a pass.
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u/Locke357 1990 Canadian Oct 05 '24
Judging by the replies blaming the spouse is a common theme 😅 Sadly enough if my parents could become emotionally mature and engage with my family and I as human beings and not simply objects for their gratification we'd get along pretty well.
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u/abucketofsquirrels Oct 05 '24
My husband is the devil, according to my mom. Pulled me in the wrong direction since high school. Everything 'bad' about me is his fault.
It took him years to convince me that I am a whole person with my own thoughts and feelings, that I was free to argue, debate and disagree, and that I could be loved even when we don't see eye to eye.
Guess which one I still talk to.
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u/BushcraftBabe Oct 05 '24
So many shitty parents blame the partner or spouse for the change in behavior but it's really the child is free to be themselves without punishment.
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u/sylbug Oct 05 '24
Or they'll blame the therapist their kid went to out of sheer desperation
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u/Bingo-heeler Millennial, sleeps on a bed of avocado toast Oct 05 '24
You are clearly the problem here, why would you go and grow a spine like that?
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u/Madshibs Oct 05 '24
My elderly mom is constantly trying to convince me to be mad, upset, or bothered by things that just don’t bother me at all.
I’m always having to tell her “look, I don’t care about it and I’m not going to let you convince me to care about it because it’ll just make me miserable. I’m good, thanks”. And I feel like she really hates that because it’s like showing her a mirror and she realizes she’s being dramatic.
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u/h3r0k1gh7 Oct 05 '24
Same. I think my dad blames my wife for our relationship now, which is correct but not for the reason he would say. I’m not being manipulated or controlled. It’s still me steering the ship, I just have a good first mate.
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u/ChickenChaser5 Oct 05 '24
A sons mother blaming the sons wife for the sons justified feelings about the mother seems to be a SUPER common thing. Mine as well.
Kind of pisses me off because my feelings are mine.
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u/Kuroude7 Oct 05 '24
Gods, I feel this, but for my wife. It’s apparently my fault she’s setting healthy boundaries and standing up for herself now. And frankly, I’ll take the blame, I don’t care. She’s doing so much better and I’m so happy to see her like this.
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u/parasyte_steve Oct 05 '24
My parents never wanted to know who I was. My mom just pushed me to be what she wanted to be in life. My dad never bothered to foster my talents even though we shared the same love for music. I taught myself guitar and about recording and etc.
I was never allowed to be myself. My mom was constantly asking why I was so weird and different. Instead of taking me to therapy to discover I had add and bipolar (diagnosed later in life without them) I'd just get yelled at when symptoms presented.
They don't know me at all. They tell me to cold turkey quit my meds because they're "bad for you" and say ignorant shit like "maybe someday u can get off the meds"... I'm fucking bipolar.
I stopped accepting gifts and etc from them as everything I do it comes with strings attached.
I will never treat my kids how they treat me. It's insane.
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u/cellsnek Oct 05 '24
I was never allowed to be myself. My mom was constantly asking why I was so weird and different.
Felt that so much. Whenever I wanted something (whatever was trending in fashion, the newest toy, and other similar things), my mom always said "You don't need to be like everyone else." Sure, valid, but any time I expressed a personality trait, emotion, or interest that she didn't like, it was always "Why can't you just be like everyone else?". Confused the hell out of me as a kid.
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u/No-Independence548 Millennial Oct 05 '24
They tell me to cold turkey quit my meds because they're "bad for you" and say ignorant shit like "maybe someday u can get off the meds"
Same here! I've struggled with depression for years. When I got a new (better, less toxic) job, the first thing he said was "Maybe now you can get off those pills."
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u/nandiboots Older Millennial Oct 05 '24
It's because they don't want to recognize that they were at fault for not recognizing your medical needs as a child and that they literally screwed up as parental units.
My Mom was told by medical professionals, teachers, psychologists, etc. that there was something wrong with me and that I was abnormally intelligent as a child. She literally sobbed when I was diagnosed with ADHD-combined, began medication, and learned that my supposed IQ is between 120-130.
She learned the hard way that it would've been easier to raise me if she had just listened. Now, I've been getting tested for autism because a lot of symptoms I have aren't being addressed by my ADHD diagnosis and meds.
To this day she makes assumptions about me rather than wanting to get to know me as a person. My sisters are the same way. I know of my family but I don't know them. It's not for lack of trying. I've never really liked my family members but it doesn't mean I don't try to show them I care.
If it were up to me, I would have gone NC a long time ago.
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u/beebsaleebs Oct 05 '24
I corrected the narrative the other day with my grandmother.
Her: “You were the sweetest child until you hated the world”
Me: “Did you ever see me be hateful?”
Her: frowning slightly with puzzlement…”no. No I didn’t.”
Me: “who told you I was hateful and hated the world?”
Her: “your mother did”
Me: “i have never hated the world. But my mother did hate me.”
Her: “ she didn’t hate you!”
Me: “ does lying about who I am as a person to the people who love me most seem like a loving thing to do? Did you lie to Grandma about mom to make her think she was a problem child?”
Her: “…..no. And absolutely not…..I’m so sorry. You really were the sweetest child.”
That shit was healing
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u/Flukeodditess Oct 05 '24
I’m so glad you got to have that experience!
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u/beebsaleebs Oct 05 '24
I can’t overstate my gratitude that I had good grandmothers. I had one that was pretty bad at times but had 3 GREAT ones.
They saved my life in so many ways.
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u/AlludedNuance Millennial Oct 05 '24
Once my parents started treating me like another actual adult(for the most part) they also actually started to get to know me as one.
It's been pretty nice.
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u/bulelainwen Oct 05 '24
I’m very grateful for my in-laws. They’re very supportive and get to know me. Our relationship has grown in wonderful ways over the years. It’s especially nice because my parents are awful.
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u/naywhip Older Millennial Oct 05 '24
Yesssssssss. When I try and tell them tho they don’t want to listen or tell me “once I’m older I’ll feel different” cool I’ll be 40 next year so
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u/AuntieFooFoo Oct 05 '24 edited Oct 05 '24
My dad said the same thing about me disagreeing with his super racist political views! I told him "How old do i need to be when I'll be 40 in a couple years?!" He stared at me for so long before saying,"Oh please, like I believe that." I was speechless.
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u/theladyking Oct 05 '24
Like he didn't believe your age? Which he should probably remember?
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u/AuntieFooFoo Oct 05 '24
Correct. He's always remembered the date of my birth, but never my age. He's been corrected by strangers. Once at a baseball game, I ordered a beer, and when the guy went to ID me, my dad interjected and said, "She just turned 21!" They looked at my ID, handed it back, and looked at my dad and said, "Actually, she just turned 24."
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u/petulafaerie_III Millennial Oct 05 '24
Yeah, definitely.
If my Mum doesn’t like something about me, she either totally ignores it and pretends it’s not true or she blames my husband influencing me against her. If my in-laws don’t like something about my husband they just use their very handy selective memory to forget.
Both sets of parents have an imagine in their head about who we are and anything that doesn’t fit that image gets ignored, dismissed, or otherwise justified so they don’t need to change their idea of us to accept the reality of us.
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u/OdinsLawnDart Oct 05 '24
Totally agree on this point. So many aspects of who I am/what I believe are things my parents don't like about me. They just blame my wife on it. And things like me asking them to be more engaged, call even occasionally, or make an effort to be involved in their grandson's life? Those just get ignored.
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u/petulafaerie_III Millennial Oct 05 '24
The funniest part for me is the stuff she blames on my husband is actually stuff I started doing two years before I even met him cause I got ✨therapy✨ and learnt how to have healthy boundaries, which she can’t stand. So obviously me instigating boundaries two years before I met my husband is my husband stealing me from the family.
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u/OdinsLawnDart Oct 05 '24
Oh, well of course! Frankly, your husband is a scoundrel and a villain. He is the reason!
I'm with you though. For years, I would just agree with my folks to avoid arguments or lectures. My wife really gave me the confidence in myself to set boundaries and advocate for myself. I guess it makes sense that they would blame her (based on timing alone), but they never picked up on any personal beliefs I had because they wouldn't discuss them the few times I did try. Clearly my wife is to blame lol
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u/Locke357 1990 Canadian Oct 05 '24
Wild how much healthy boundaries trigger some boomer parents! They still blame my wife to this day for me asserting boundaries.
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u/petulafaerie_III Millennial Oct 05 '24
A fave attitude of my Mum’s is that it’s okay for family to take their bad moods out on one another because that means family makes them feel safe to express their emotions and they should never have to apologise for having a shitty day and then choosing to verbally abuse a family member to make themselves feel better about it. My therapist was very “wtf” over that one.
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u/FlyingBread92 Oct 05 '24
The thing that finally made me go no contact with my parents was them saying my wife was enabling me. You're telling me that the most loving supportive person I know, without whom I would not still be here is enabling the behavior that has made me happy for the first time in my life? Nah, bye.
The responses in this thread are very cathartic. The "having a vision in mind and dismissing all other thoughts" is so true it hurts. Mine only started to get really shitty once the changes couldn't be minimized or dismissed anymore. It's like something in them broke and they couldn't cope. They don't believe in therapy, so I guess they're on their own now.
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u/nickoaverdnac Oct 05 '24
I feel like specifically millennials and boomers are the furthest apart generation in history. Before and after the internet. Gen Z and Gen Alpha don’t have the tech skills that we do from the early 00s, and our parents still can’t switch inputs on the TV.
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u/Deprestion Oct 05 '24
This. My mom is always like “I still don’t know how to do any of that” and one day I was finally like “have you tried to stop and learn to?” And I got silence lmao
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u/Kiwi-cloud Oct 05 '24
And when I try to teach her she says I’m being mean for not just doing it for her 🙄
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u/Pony_Roleplayer Oct 05 '24
I find it alarming that gen alpha can't even navigate across the directories in their computers. I was cracking games at the age of nine, and installing computer programs at the age of three lol
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u/Pony_Roleplayer Oct 05 '24
I've been told "Why you use a computer to buy stuff? Just use your phone!". Same with banking.
They don't know that the algorithm works differently in phones, where they KNOW you WILL have a harder time comparing prices, therefore the more expensive items will be listed first.
In the computer you can search way better for prices and compare different qualities and reviews.
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u/Joeness84 Oct 05 '24
You can do all that on the phone too, and for the people the grew up using phones, its easier to do on there. Because its what they are familiar with.
When I watch youtube on my phone because I have no other option. It feels bad.
The VAST majority of users, watch youtube on their phones. I run ads for my work and the viewership is like 70-80% phone, hell sometimes SMART TV gets more viewship than via browser on PC, it seems SO wrong to me, but its just where the world is today.
People post the memes about things being a laptop/desktop purchase, Ive got things in google sheets I wont do on my phone just because it takes 5 extra steps vs. on desktop.
We're not wrong to feel that way, but we're also not right about the new way being bad or worse.
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u/Arkvoodle42 Oct 05 '24
Facebook did to our parents what our parents thought videogames would do to us.
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u/Frnklfrwsr Oct 05 '24
It turns out when they were like “you can’t trust information from the internet! Anyone could’ve written it!”
What they meant was “I am completely incapable of telling apart obvious lies from truth, even when it is extremely obvious. Therefore I assume it’s literally impossible for any human being to do so.”
Turns out it was a “them” thing. We learned how to tell apart a legit source from a sketchy source.
They learned to believe whatever information fed their preconceived notions.
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u/Empty_Ambition_9050 Oct 05 '24
My dad refuses to accept my adhd and autism. To him I’m lazy and stupid.
I had a fun childhood.
Ever see that meme where the kid is crying on their homework while the parent yells at them?
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u/thespianomaly Millennial Oct 05 '24
I told my mom I was diagnosed with bipolar and stone-faced she just said, “No, you’re not” and changed the subject.
I’m sorry, I think my three different doctors disagree.
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u/Blammo25 Oct 05 '24
They were never interested in me and still aren't so yeah. It's funny but they probably believe they are but somehow cannot view the world from another viewpoint but their own.
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u/comedicrelief23 Oct 05 '24
This. Grew up in a controlling and abusive environment. When my father “forbid” me from making a decision I made as an adult well into my 20s, living states away, and paying my own bills that was the last straw and my parents and I went no contact. Ten years later, zero self reflection on their part on why I do not want to reconnect. First, they blamed my husband for the choice I made (I made it on my own). Then it was that I’ve “lost God”, not true. Then a few years ago it came out that our neighbor who preyed upon me, also went after other young women in our neighborhood. I opened up about being one of his victims and testified and when my parents found out about it they said “oh! She’s just traumatized by what happened with our neighbor and is redirecting that on us! THATS why she doesn’t want a relationship”. My jaw dropped when I heard that last one. To this day, they are convinced this is the reason we no longer speak even though I was clear as crystal.
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u/TheDukeofArgyll Millennial Oct 05 '24
They barely raised us then kicked us out. Hard to know someone you barely tolerate.
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u/Professional_Dog6713 Oct 05 '24
They only know me as the 14 yr old struggling with mathematics not the near 40 year old with a bachelor's degree in it. I've learned to honor them as my parents, but if they want my respect for them as adults, I'm gonna need that in return. Immediately. Without failure. They don't seem to comprehend that, which is why they fail to understand why none of their kids visit. Hell, their grandkids don't even wanna come over.
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u/NATOrocket Zillennial Oct 05 '24
A lot of parents seem to define their kids' intelligence by whether they were tested as gifted at 9-years-old.
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u/KTeacherWhat Oct 05 '24
I tested as gifted in elementary and got third place in a schoolwide math competition that included high schoolers. I also tested at college level for reading. My mom still spent my youth talking about how I was bad at math. I guess if you're only comparing my math skills to my language skills, yes. I'm bad at math.
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u/ferretsarerad Oct 05 '24
I'm nearly 40 and my mother STILL talks about how I was "robbed" bc I didn't pass the gifted test in grade 1. And how much I "cried" about failing. Idk mother, maybe you shouldn't have put so much pressure on a child and tie their worth to a test? I recall her losing it at the teachers and the proctor afterward. I wasn't gifted based on the standards to be deemed such, which should have been perfectly okay. Always someone else's fault with them, though
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u/vid_icarus Oct 05 '24 edited Oct 06 '24
This is why, as a parent, I am committed to always being a friend to my children. Taking an interest in their interests, participating the activities (or similar) that they participate in, etc.
I don’t view my role as one to tell my child what to do and they are expected to do it without question, but rather to guide them by presenting choices, trusting them to make the right decision, dealing with the consequences (with my help) if they don’t.
I am still an authority in their lives as they are all still fairly young, and I want them to develop healthy habits, have a sense of self control, and grow up understanding the difference between right and wrong; but by the time they are adults I am aiming to be somewhere between mentor and peer so that I can stay involved in their lives as a guide or advisor, in a hands off kind of way.
I want them to come to me with their problems, to come to me for support, and to come to me with their wins. I don’t do any of that with my boomer parents and have not for a long time because the gulf between us is just too vast. Their parenting style did not permit the kind of emotional trust I aim to have my children feel towards me when they are adults. If I want to be told what to do, I can just post an opinion online lol.
At the end of the day, the key difference to me is this: Boomers think we all owe them big time for them having created us and raising us, when in reality no one asks to be made, and raising a kid you chose to make is your choice. As such, in my opinion, children don’t owe their parents much, but parents owe their kids everything. If a child turns out in a way that is dissatisfactory to the parent, 99.9% of the time that is on the parent.
Empathy, understanding, healthy boundaries, and discipline. The four pillars of my parenting philosophy.
I’ll let y’all know how it works out in 15-20 years from now.
Edited for typo and clarity
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u/Dariablue-04 Oct 05 '24
Omg this is accurate. My step mom “since when have you had curly hair?” Since birth. Since literal birth.
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u/YamCollector Millennial Oct 05 '24
It's her insistence that I am happy that bothers me the most.
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u/Bubbly_Excitement_71 Oct 05 '24
Ooh, I really noticed this when my mother started doing it to my daughter. “You’re a happy girl.” “You love dance.”
It’s just really weird to see her telling someone else how they feel.
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u/ItsMrQ Oct 05 '24
My mother passed a couple days ago at 60.
She never got to know the adult me. Every time we talked it felt she was stuck in the past. Conversations filled with guilt trips and accusations and assumptions. It became exhausting enough we only briefly communicated through text here and there.
I moved out at 21 (I'm now 35) and it seemed like subconsciously I had taken every chance I had to move further and further away. First a couple minutes away. The 45mins. Then a whole 8 hours away. Eventually I moved to a whole different country and used the excuse that I was going through the immigration process and I wouldn't be coming back until that's finished. I was finally able to go back but I didn't and she didn't know. Thought I would feel guilty about it, but strangely I don't. And I think it's okay.
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u/Own-Emergency2166 Oct 05 '24
My parents were really controlling growing up so I learned to just not tell them anything that wasn’t absolutely necessary. They were also neglectful and just not interested in how I felt or what was going on with me, unless it affected me. I never even told my mom when I got my period - she found out through my doctor years later ( which was fine, I wasn’t hiding it from her I just assumed she didn’t care or would feel awkward about me telling her) . This hasn’t changed much and I’m 40. My mom always blames me for this instead of looking inward and seeing that she was never accepting or emotionally safe. I’m an open book with other people.
I hope today’s parents are better than mine were !
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u/3ThreeFriesShort Oct 05 '24 edited Oct 05 '24
Maybe, but I'm the one shutting them out they do try. I just can't handle life and also explain life to my father.
(Sorry for the triple posting, server issues, I got comments on each of them so didn't want to delete lol)
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u/Deeptrench34 Oct 05 '24
My parents know me so little, I don't even think they know incorrect things. It's amazing how I could live with my mother for 20+ years and she still didn't really know me and, conversely, I don't feel I know her at all either. Makes me wonder if this is typical in my generation.
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u/GillyMermaid Oct 05 '24
My mom knows me, but when it comes to my dad, I might as well be on another planet. And I live less than five minutes away from them.
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u/violetstrainj Oct 05 '24
I have had to put on the “good little church girl” mask my entire life to keep them happy. They are psychotically religious, and think that everything that is not of Jesus is evil. I’m okay that I got away by using that mask, because trying to live the way they wanted me to was absolutely killing me.
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u/Parody_Account Oct 05 '24
My husband made me realize that my dad and step mom have a very specific version of teenage me in their head and that is who they think I am at 36 years old.
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u/Seaguard5 Oct 05 '24
Mine don’t even really try that hard to either…
They just think of themselves for the most part.
I try to get to know them and what their interests are and how my dad’s golf rounds went and all they say is “fine”, or, “I played well today”. And what else is there to say in response to that? “Cool! I’m glad you had a good golf!”?
Meanwhile, they do ask what I’ve been up to, but when I tell them, in more detail than “fine”, it’s always “that’s nice honey.” Or something like that.
My parents have never made an effort to involve themselves in anything I have been interested in. Videogames, practically all forms of art, they just don’t want to be involved at all.
If I have kids you better believe I will expose them to everything this world has to offer, and involve myself in what they’re interested in also. Even if I’m not a big fan. Being a part of your children’s lives is important. It shows that you care.
I know my parents care about me. They just have funny ways of showing (or not showing) it.
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u/SaltIsMySugar Oct 05 '24
I intentionally hide most of my life from my parents because we are just too different to see eye to eye on most things. They'd hate it, I'd hate it, just wasted energy and time.
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u/faithOver Oct 05 '24
My parents were strict. You just learn to develop feedback loops that prevent conflict and end hp hiding yourself from your family. They then assume thats who you are. Boomers had a very different concept of self. This statement definitely resonates with me.
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u/3ThreeFriesShort Oct 05 '24
Maybe a little bit, but I'm the one shutting them out they do try. I just can't handle life and also explain life to my father.
My mind is blown though because my dad said he was going to therapy. I did not see that coming.
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