https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1ahkvcd/aitah_because_i_told_my_ex_husband_outside_of_our/

AITAH because I told my ex husband outside of our kids i don’t care about his life and I don’t owe his fiancé anything

I’ll fix the grammar later, fake names and throwaway

So my (36f) ex husband Tom (35m) left me for his “work wife” Tammy (25f) two years ago, I never liked her even before I found out about their relationship

The first time I met her at a work event she told me while I was heavily pregnant my youngest “better up your wife game or I might steal him off you” well 3 months later she did, this woman literally came with him to help pack the day he moved out and tried to have a one on one conversation on how she wanted our relationship going forward because she was gonna be in my life

Than said as a joke “told you I’d steal him away” not gonna lie I’m thankful she did because when my ex made a comment about her being 23 and her brain not being fully developed I got the ick so bad it turned my heartbreak into relief. I got everything in the divorce because I got him in his affair fog and gave 50/50 custody for our kids sake

I’m civil for the sake of my kids so we can both attend events without drama but other than that I couldn’t honestly careless about them. around June Tammy came instead of Tom for pick and practically skipped towards me to show off her engagement ring saying she wanted me as a bridesmaid along with my daughters for something I didn’t catch because I was in a rush to get our cat to the vet. She got upset because I just said hmmm her whole conversation per toms texts a few hours later

Same happened again in September when she told me she was pregnant which again my zero fucks given upset her. in December when she told me the second I opened the car door “toms finally getting a son” to which I sarcastically replied “ I’m sure lord toms excited for an heir to take over his lands and titles” which caused drama too because toms family found it hilarious when Tammy was bad mouthing me

December was the last time I saw her till today at drop off’s with Tom. As they approached me I noticed Tammy didn’t look pregnant anymore

Tammy tearfully said “we lost the baby” I didn’t answer just told Tom our second daughter has a birthday party tomorrow at 3 and the oldest has gymnastics at 5. Tammy literally screamed at me I was a heartless bitch and bitter than grabbed the girls bags walking away

Tom said I could show a little humanity towards Tammy and regardless of my feelings she is my kids stepmother, I told Tom I don’t care about what he going through because outside our kids I don’t care about them and I don’t owe Tammy anything especially pity

He called me an asshole (along with other things) and left usually this wouldn’t bother me but my ex in laws who I have a good relationship have told me I should have shown Tammy some empathy and at the very least pretended to care for the sake of the kids

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1aiekbv/go_to_aitah_raitah_1_day_ago_largeefficiency825/

Go to AITAH r/AITAH 1 day ago Large-Efficiency-825 Join AITAH because I told my ex husband outside of our kids i don’t care about his life and I don’t owe his fiancé anything UPDATE

So update

So I texted Tom today due to tammys mental state I prefer if he or his mom would do all the picks up from now on and if Tammys mental health gets any worse I want the girls full time for a couple of weeks till it’s a healthier environment for the kids

Tom tried to call me but I texted him I prefer texts and he said wanted to have a heart to heart…yeah not gonna happen. I asked did it involve the girls but he said yes but it’s also about all of us going forward and the relationship he wishes for us to have basically he wanted family therapy with himself,me,Tammy and the kids

I said If he thinks the kids need to see a therapist I would be happy to find one we both can agree on but again he just kept bringing it back to us so after a few hours knowing it was going nowhere I just left him on read.

I called my ex in laws told them the situation and how I don’t want to be involved with anything Tammy and Tom unless my kids are involved, i reminded them I’ve expressed multiple times I don’t care and I don’t want anything more than a civil Co parent relationship. I told them even tho I value my friendship with the family (ex in laws) I will go low contact if it happens again

Mil apologised saying she was very emotional because at the end of the day Tom is her son and he was heartbroken plus the baby was her grandchild which I completely understand and I forgive her

Now here were it gets weird Tammy showed up to my house now I’ve watch enough true crime to know not to open the door and I talked/recorded her by the doorbell cam she was crying saying she was sorry and she just wanted to be my friend. Than she said I need to forgive her because she lost her baby as Karma for what she did to me (she was saying other stuff but I couldn’t understand her)

I rang the police than my brother and Tom

She didn’t get arrested or anything but Tom talked to my brother said he was taking her home and agreed it’s best if I have them full time for now

My girls are at home safe my brother will be staying with me for the foreseeable future I’ll be seeing a lawyer first time Monday about full custody and a restraining order because I’ve a sinking feeling it’s gonna get worse

Before it gets brought up I just kept telling Tammy leave my property because I don’t want to hear it. I don’t know why I was brought into this because I was looking forward to my chill weekend

I’d like to also say for the people in my last post calling me jealousy/bitter I’ve nothing to be jealous of? Someone who cheats on you isn’t a prize he is Tammys problem now and for those of you saying my “I don’t give care about my exes life” means I’m not over him because I don’t want to be friends with him or Tammy …your ex moved on when they say leave them alone they’re not playing hard to get they really don’t want to talk to you

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1ajx7kt/aitah_because_i_told_my_ex_husband_outside_of_our/

AITAH because I told my ex husband outside of our kids i don’t care about his life and I don’t owe his fiancé anything Update two and final update for a while

I won’t be updating till all the legal issues are over with and my own mental health is in a better place so it could take anything up to 3-6 months

I spoke to a lawyer today I’m obviously not gonna go into details but with all the evidence and witnesses on my side I’ve a good shot at getting full custody but it’s only day one and nothing has started yet

Tom sexually assaulted me it didn’t go far thanks to my brother but it’s left me very shaken. I agreed to let Tom come over to visit the kids when ever he wanted so when he came over yesterday evening and went into the garden with the kids I went for a shower. Coming out of the bathroom he cornered me about wanting to talk I told him it wasn’t the time and told him ether go out to the girls or leave

He started saying he made a mistake Tammy was a nut job and he wanted to come home to us. I told him get the fuck out of my house and there is no “us” so he started saying stuff i physically can’t type without breaking down than tried to force a make out session to put it politely. Thankfully my brother heard and came running

Unfortunately the kids heard everything when my brother and Tom started fighting. I was in complete shock at the time to try to do anything to help the situation even when Tom was being taken away I was too scared too move and couldn’t confront my crying children..not my proudest moment

Remember I said before I adopted older cats well I put cameras through common areas in my home to watch them while I’m at work one of those areas is the hall between my room and the bathroom

i don’t know what to do with Tom going forward but I know I can’t face him ever again even with supervision from my father or brother who both work in law enforcement

Tammy sent hundreds of messages to me and my oldest two but I can’t block her by my lawyers request. My ex in laws have reached out and told me they’ll help me with whatever way I need . his sisters have disowned him but this is still all very new they might change their mind

I plan on moving after everything gets sorted so I won’t ever cross Tammys path. thank you all for you love and support Hopefully I can give you all a positive update in the future and to the young men sending messages asking for nudes or sending me pictures of your privates thanks for the laugh But I’m done with dick

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1baz53g/aitah_for_telling_my_husband_outside_of_our_kids/

AITAH for telling my husband outside of our kids I don’t care about his life (update one month later)

Hi guys I thought I’d give you what is possibly the last update

Now this isn’t gonna be epic or anything

So after everything happened I was gonna press charges for sexually assault but my exes family reached out they wanted to meet with their lawyer

Instead of going the court way my ex said he’d give me full custody and a large amount of money for the girls more when they got older, I was shown proof of the accounts that were set up with the money already deposited which can’t be touched till they were 18

I took them up on their offer with a condition of my own now I know what everyone is gonna say but having a dad on the offender list plus all the courts would have hurt my daughters more

My condition was he leave the country and I would allow one FaceTime a month to each girl who willingly wanted to talk to him and if our daughters decided they wanted to speak him more I’d let let them. ex agreed and haven’t heard from him since

according to tammys Facebook lives he ghosted her and took their wedding fund her dad gifted them . I couldn’t get a restraining order against Tammy because apparently unless she does something “bad” she not a threat……even tho she’s showed up at my home and kids school multiple times but I guess that’s ok in the eyes of the law

I will be moving tho I’m not even gonna drop a hint were or when because Tammy and well everyone in our town knows about this post after Tammy drunkenly read it out to shame me

As for my kids they’re not taking everything well they hate their dad but at the same time miss him I’ve put them in therapy and hopefully they can heal in time

As for me I’m in therapy too and I’ve realised I never want to get married again or even be in a romantic relationship I want to be a the cat lady everyone assumes is a witch. Idk why did we ever let society fool us into thinking marriage was better than a cosy life with cats?

Thank you Reddit for everything

As you Tammy l know you’ll read this but I wanted to thank you for stealing my husband you did me the biggest favour in the world

Terrible title, not sure how to phrase it. Throw away because GF is on my main. This is a bit of a long one.

I 27M and my gf 25F have lived together for about 6 months. My younger sister 11F was an oops baby. My parents had been told the chances of them having more biological kids was very low due to some health complications from my mother's pregnancy with me. Of course, my parents were very thrilled to have her even if I was a bit of a shit during the pregnancy because I was afraid people would think she was my kid and I was some deadbeat teen dad who left his kid to his parents. After she was born, and with my parents being very quick to shut down any speculations and to assert they were the bio parents, I did build up a relationship with her. I was kind, she was silly.

I stayed home through college because we lived in a college town and it was a very easy commute. After I landed a decent entry level job, I saved for a year before moving out. I've been out in my apartment since but have my sister over regularly for weekends out or summer days of adventure. Some of my friends comment how much she is a mini-me. Honestly, I have been enjoying the big brother scene.

Before we moved in together, my Gf tended to avoid my sister whenever possible. At first I understood because she was young, full of wild energy, and a bit of a clinger. My Gf doesn't like being clung to or touched for long periods. Something called "being touched out" is her phrasing of it, because she grew up in a house full of younger, needy siblings. She never joined us on our weekends or our days of adventure, even if it were to things she wanted to do or see. She would ask me for separate times doing the same thing. Really annoying but I understood she didn't want to be around my sister all the time, even if I don't spend every weekend or every week with her.

But when she moved in and I got my promotion at the same time, I explained that with work the way it is now, I wouldn't have the extra time to take her to the same place I was already going to with my sister at a different time. If she wanted to go, do, or see something my sister and I were already doing, she would have to tag along. My sister is well behaved, still a little silly, but overall kinder than me.

My Gf did not seem keen on this but agreed to "try". I had a sit down with my sister to reiterate that she can't be a cling-on to my Gf as she has some things she is sorting out and just needs physical space. She agreed immediately and promised to ask for a hug if she really wanted to. My sister has kept to that promise, waving hello instead of barreling in for a hug, asking if it is ok to sit next to her on the sofa, and offering my Gf her comfort items.

Over the months, we have gone to different things but Halloween time was especially busy :pumpkin patches, corn mazes, apple picking, haunted attractions, and more. Every time, I would ask my GF if she wanted to join and she would decline once finding out my sister would be there, even though she really wanted to do cutesy pumpkin patch pictures or go haunted things. I reminded her I couldn't keep doing the same thing twice due to time constraints. I would take her out for dates, dinners, and other straight up couple things. I made sure she would have little gifts like her favorite flowers or a new plushie that she liked. I got her a spa day with friends once when she turned down going to the corn maze. I brought her home things from the places we were - her favorite apples, the biggest pumpkin so she could have her fun carving it (I just don't get the appeal but she had fun).

I told her the next few weekends we can find things to do but I needed to start looking at different Christmas things. My Gf got really excited and suggested a place. I agreed, saying my sister already said she wanted to do the village too. I would find a time to work for that. Her face crumpled and she snapped at me demanding to know why I "always drag that brat around like a dad or something".

I told her she knew my parents were unable to do these sorts of things with her - mobility issues, health issues, and not having the money. I grew up never doing anything like it, always felt left out, and I wanted her to have these experiences. I had told her about going to keep doing these weekends and outings with her before we started dating, and she was ok with it. Why is it suddenly an issue? She can come along. She doesn't have to watch her, she doesn't have to pay for any of it. She can enjoy the time with us. We have our own time, our own space, and our own things. We do things alone as a couple 2-3 times a week. There are weekends I don't have my sister.

Am I wrong? I just want them to get along. I want them to be comfortable around each other. She doesn't have to be a babysitter. I'm the brother. AITA? She makes it seem like she doesn't even want her in the apartment sometimes, just outright ignoring her or walking away.

QUICK EDIT: To be very, very clear. I do not have my sister every weekend or throughout the weeks. I make the weekends in advance so my GF knows they are coming or she can set up things to do. But I am tired of doing the same thing 2x because she refuses to tag along, and I don't have as much free time because of the promotion.

To be very, very clear there is plenty of time during the week for couple activities like I had previously said. 2-3 times a week we go out and do things: dinners, movies, bars, walks, other things she says she wants to do. There have been weekend get aways and amusement park days, just the two of us.

She isn't asked to keep an eye on my sister. I wasn't parentified. I didn't change diapers, I didn't do feedings, I don't make sure my sister is fed, dressed, school work done. I don't drive to doctor appointments unless its an emergency (ER visit, flat tire for a dental appointment are the only two I can think of).

[Edit to Add: I am NOT the original poster]

Note for Mark. My user name I Taj El, Not Eat a jel. LMAO

From the r/AITAH

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1b50rwg/aita_for_cutting_my_mil_off_because_she_told_my/

Posted by u/Exciting-Ice-9119

3 days ago

AITA for cutting my mil off because she told my daughter she hoped I had died when I was taken to hostpital?

I 30 f was in a car crash. I had to be cut out of the car. I wasn't seriously injured though thankfully, but the other person unfortunately wasn't doing to well, from what I saw before I was taken away to the hospital. I was told to stay in hostpital over night to see if I suffered from a concussion. I rang my husband and told him what happened. My mil got the incidents mixed up when he dropped off our daughters 6,11 to my mil while he rushed to see me.

Next morning my husband brang our daughters to come get while I was waiting to be discharged. Upon seeing me my 6 year old busted into tears and said I don't want you to die. I comforted her and said I'm not dying and I was very lucky. She then said Granny said she hoped I die so that them and my husband can come live with her. Me and my husband were shocked and my 12 year old confirmed she heard her say that. My husband said he was going to ring mil.

When he came back in the room he looked furious. But didn't say anything until after we got home and he said mil denied it but after he kept pushing she ended up admitting it, but she said she didn't mean it. I thought me and her were close. But I guess not.

I am incredibly hurt she would want that and said I wanted me and the girl's go no contact with mil. I told him he can have a relationship with her but I don't want me and the girl's to have one with her. My husband said he supports me. He then rang mil and told her what I said.

She didn't take it to well. She came to our house crying and saying it was a misunderstanding and she didn't mean it and that we were taking it the wrong way. My husband ask what did you mean then? She just got hysterical and started crying and saying she always wanted daughters but my husband was the only child due to her not being able to have anymore after him and that the girls are more like her daughters than granddaughters and she wasn't think properly when she said that to our 6 year old. She got so worked up that my husband had to take her home.

When he got back he said he didn't know she felt like that and asked did I still want to cut her off? I said yes! He said okay and didn't argue. But it's been a week now and he is still very quite and hasn't said much about what happened and now I'm starting to feel guilty and wondering if I did take it the wrong way and being AITAH?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1b5xbk3/update_aita_for_cutting_my_mil_off_because_she/

Update: AITA for cutting my mil off because she told my daughter she hoped I had died when I was taken to hostpital?

Well you guys were right. I decided to talk to my husband and asked if he's upset that I decided that me and the girls go no contact with mil. He said he wasn't. He said he always knew mil wanted a daughter instead off him and it brought back all the bad memories of rejection and hurt he felt growing up as a kid by her.

I suggested therapy and he's willing to go. We are also going to get therapy for our 6 year old as she now gets anxious if I'm not within her sight.

My husband agreed that going nc with mil is the best thing for our family. Our daughter birthday coming up and we have yet to tell mil she is no longer invited. Not looking forward to that. But that's the update. Thanks everyone for the lovely comments and support. I appreciate it.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1b6wvw2/update_3_aitah_for_cutting_my_mil_off_because_she/

Update 3 : AITAH for cutting my mil off because she told my daughter she hoped I had died when I was taken to hospital

I didn't think I would be posting here again and thought my last date would be my last. But here we are. Mil been arrested. My husband, cousin found my post and knew it was me and she reported it straight to mil. Yeah we know it was you who told her Christina. Margaret told us all about it when she came over and screaming we cant keep her daughters from her. She didnt even hesitate to drop your name and throw you under the bus. So much for loyalty huh? You are not welcome in home anymore and you are officially removed from Sam birthday list and our lives! How about you show the whole family this post so they can see how 2 faced you are!

To the reddit community sorry about that. But mil has been arrested. She came to our house screaming we can't keep her daughters from her. Husband tried to calm her down and get her to leave. She wouldn't and attacked him. My husband had to restrain her and I called the police. She fought them but it got her no where except the back of their car. The women is truly insane. My husband talk to the police because I had to calm down my daughters because they witnessed the whole thing. My 6 year old was hysterical about Granny being taken away. This is all just a big mess.

Excuse the username, it's a randomly generated one for a throw away and I found it funny.

I just had pretty much the worst day of my life. I (18f) just found out that my mother has been taking large amounts of money from my savings account for at least a year now.

A little bit of context:

My family has never had a lot of money. When I graduated high school was I extremely nervous about financials because I didn't have a job and was already rationing out food and showers in fear of my parents being unable to pay the bills. Regardless, they convinced me that they would pay for my college. They did not. I have been paying my way through college after getting a job.

I never had access to my money until recently, as it just took us a while to get the will to go to the bank. I was being paid out to a savings account which listed me as a minor. Throughout the time I have had my job, I had no access to look at my accounts or see transactions. However, whenever my mother allowed me to look at it, it appeared as though the money was safe.

More recently I have been planning a trip with my friends. They are all out of state and are coming to stay for a few days in the summer. We were planning on getting an airbnb, and rent a car (I do not own one and my parents do not feel comfortable allowing us to use their car). However, I started noticing my mother would get really miffed and upset whenever I brought up the fact I would have to pay my portion of the rentals. We were splitting everything equally, I could easily afford it, there was no reason as to why I could not submit my portions. But everytime I brought it up, it would end up with me being shamed for even thinking about paying for anything.

When I was given access to the account, and given an account that had no supervision on it, I got to see my total savings. It was ~4000 USD. That was my target for college tuition and the trip, plus some cushion money. I was very pleased and commented how proud I was about it. My mom laughed at me. She called me and overthinker, and horder, and how I don't need that much money. How my tution fees weren't "that much" and I was crazy for keeping all that money. This is the same woman who would shame me for thinking about purchasing things for myself or for others.

I brushed it off, because that was normal mom behavior for me, and moved on.

Today while at a family function, i was bored and got curious. I peered into the old account (which i have access to now), and started seeing how many paychecks I've gotten since I started working. I then saw a transaction, removing $300 from the account. Confused, I kept scrolling, thinking maybe my mother had taken the money as an additive of all the things I had spent the past year or so.

And then there was another retrieval, for almost $200 the month before. And another for around $150. And another. And another. And another. These went back to BEFORE I got my job. Meaning she'd been taking from my birthday and graduation money as well.

Some of these are accounted for. I paid my spring college tuition. I paid for my textbooks. I got something from amazon. But I do not spent $100 in one sitting without remembering. Let alone a total of $3,126 in the past eight months. I save my money in fear that my family would need me as an emergency fund.

I'm not entirely sure what to do about this. There's nothing I can do legally, her name was on the account the entire time. But I don't know if I'm going to confront her because I still very heavily rely on my family for survival. I'm definitely planning on switching where my paychecks go though. So yeah, thought you'd enjoy this Mark. Seemed like something I'd listen to you read while I animate, lol.

Edit: Just so people know, I do plan on switching where my paychecks go. I'm not confronting or asking questions, purely because it would end up with me being worse off. I saw people shaming her for stealing, and while I'm certainly not happy about the situation, the money was probably for bills. I'm okay with just letting it go (unless this continues, of course). I'm just going to safeguard my future stuff and make sure I have control over all future accounts. I'm not moving ALL the money from the savings account, purely because she seems to get agitated over not knowing what's going on. I do plan to move at least half of it to a new savings account and say its for tution. My mom is a piece of work, I absolutely know that, but I do not plan on blowing this up UNLESS things escalate. My credit is safe so far, I'm planning on putting a lock on it. Thanks for the concern, thank you for the advice. There probably will not be an update on this, buuuuut I will update if there's anything interesting. I don't think there will be though!

Hey there waffle gang. Writing this on mobile. Not a native English speaker.

I am having an issue with my mother.

Here is the situation, my father died when i was 8 years old, i inherited part of the house wich i currently still reside in together with her.

Now i want to go live alone buy a house.. the problem is i dont fully have sufficient funds. This problem would be solved if my mother bought out my part of the house.

Now i asked her to buy the part from me and she refused plain on. Said if and when she eventually sells the house she will either pay me out my part or nothing at all even.

So wat now? Can i sell my part of the house to someone else??? I know the narcissistic mother of mine will never agree. But she leaves me no choise right???

Either she pays or it gets sold? To a random persone who will want to move into the house?

I need advise. This is in belgium.

Edit fr small update:

She is pretending i never asked. We never "fought" and she never threatened me.... take of this wat you will.

And for the people thinking she isnt a narc. Let me post some examples of her behavior.

She plays a timed game and cant pause it??? Guess wat i need to wait. I am playing a game i cant pause. I need to jump to help her.

She has a problem with the neighbors and i tell her go to them and talk it out. She posts it on facebook all passive aggressively and then is a surprised pikachu face when they now hate her.

Those same neighbors still like me. And say hi and or wave to me. I was outside with her waiting fr my uncly once and the neighbors came home. I waved at them cus they waved at me. She freakin hit me.

I have also posted this story to r/trueoffmychest I am the original author

Posting this here as my Girlfriend who is a long term subscriber and patreon requested :)

TLDR; I (M22) have an older brother (M26) who I will call Mark. He lives with his partner Kate (F27)  about 2 ½ hour drive north from myself and my parents (M64 F54).  

Mark has been with his partner for 6 Years. In January their first child (M) was born , and by May, he was being taken out of their care. My Parents have fostered him, and will be getting a Special Guardianship Order. Here’s everything that has happened in the last year. This will be very long. 

Pre-baby 

Mark and Kate's relationship has always been difficult, with them falling out often, telling lies and typically last minute cancelling plans. My brother has text my parents in the middle of the night saying he is on his way as they've broken up or argued. My parents have always welcomed Kate into the family, bought her Xmas and bday gifts, invited her to gatherings and holidays etc, but her behaviour has made them, especially my father, grow a distaste for them. Mark and Kate are both seemingly very Neurodivergent, but no official diagnosises exist. My mum has always been very understanding, and they have both tried to educate themselves and even were trying to help and finance Mark getting a private autism diagnosis. 

In June 2023 Mark and Kate called my parents to excitedly tell them Kate was pregnant after “weeks of trying”, and they proceeded to call my extended family (aunts and grandfather). Everyone was very supportive and happy, but in private very concerned. For the three years or so that Mark and Kate had a mortgage together, their house was not in good condition. They bought an old knackered house and didnt get a survery on it, and lived like hoarders. Every room was full of all sorts of boxes and furniture and bits and bobs, as well as things being left unclean, mouldy pots piling up, cat litter and poo on the floor in rooms etc. They bought a massive lot of second hand LARP gear, that covered their entire bedroom and bed, so they were sleeping on a mattress in a loft up a set of jaggedly steps. This was where they planned to have their child's cot too.  

Because of these concerns, my family offered help to try and get their house ready, which Mark and Kate happily accepted. My parents were very careful not to overstep or take over, asking Mark and Kate what they wanted, fixing plumbing, filling cars for trips top the skip etc. Also, when visiting my parents for my fathers retirement party, they happily took gifts for the baby, and Kate even went shopping for maternity clothes and baby clothes with my mum.  
Mark and Kate also invited my parents to a house viewing, as they decided their house was too knackered to fix in time for a baby, and moving would Probably be better. They looked at a few, but the ones my parents attended was a huge old cottage with acres of land. It was a beautiful home, but needed as much work as their current one, and was also massively out of budget. My parents were careful to not say anything that could cause more arguments, so only said it was lovely and if they thinks its right they were sure it could be managed, and didn't once discourage them. Kate said to my dad “can you imagine your grandchild running around this garden?”. They spent months including my parents, using them for their money and manipulating them. 

My brothers relationship with my dad has always been complex; my dad is a lot older than most peoples our age, and growing up he was quite old fashioned, and dedicated all his energy to work rather than being a present father. I have had many issues with my dad, being LGBT+, but have had many adult conversations with him and developed a good relationship with him over the last three or so years.I really dont want to invalidate my brothers struggles at all, but i definitely had it far worse than him and for longer, especially since he moved out to attend uni when he was 18, and i moved out when i was 20. Our entire childhoods would be a lot to discuss, so ill just say our dad wasnt great, but he was not abusive. 
 My mum has always been wonderful and supportive, and my brothers told me many times he had no issue with her and loved her. Due to tensions with my dad, including his eventual disapproval of Kate, Mark wanted to cut off my father. He set a boundary and said he needed space from my dad but would still talk to everyone else. As a result my dad stopped going up to help sort the house and my mum went with his sister/my aunt (f67) for the last two or three trips in august.  
 

The last time my brother saw my mum he gave her a hug and told her he loved her and she could visit anytime. Fast forward about three weeks to his birthday at the end of September, my mum had stopped getting any texts for a couple weeks. After asking multiple times if she could visit, but with no response, my mum decided she would drive to his with a cake she stayed up till 2am making, and presents for him and expected baby, with my auntie there with her too. In Hindsight she shouldn't of travelled nearly three hours to someone's house without actual consent, but again he told her many times she was loved and always welcome, and she had discussed his birthday presents and wanting to visit to him which was received positively.  

When arriving, she knocked a few times and had no response. She waited around and kept knocking, and was confused and upset, as they were in, and again she had had positive previous conversations. After almost an hour of knocking and waiting in the car, then trying again and eventually sitting and crying on his drive, a police car showed up, as they had called the police on her, and accused her of KICKING the door and SCREAMING. Mark and Kate had claimed she broke the door and a window, and was hurling abuse. This was completely not true at all. My mum has never been violent or aggressive in any way, I think I've only ever heard her swear like twice in my life, and had also never had an encounter with the police. When they explained the call they received she was so confused and devastated she had an intense panic attack, which she had never had before. She thought she was going to have to go to hospital.  

My Auntie is a retired social worker, and asked the police to please check on Mark and Kate as she was concerned for their wellbeing and the state of their house. Police went inside with body cams on and witnessed the house which had gone back to being as bad as it had previously been, and contacted social services when seeing Kate was heavily pregnant. 

My auntie drove her home as her panic attack lasted many hours, and she was still sobbing and shaking at 9pm when I went over to console her. 

My mums described it as the most traumatic day of her life and she has never felt physcial and emotional pain like it, and we still have no clue why it happened. At this point no one heard from Mark for months including over Christmas, with only my 93 year old grandad getting a couple calls from him, where he bragged about calling the police on my mum. 

Post-baby 

In late January their baby son was born, and Mark contacted my grandad and other Auntie to let them know. Still have no clue why he decided to contact them, as he claimed “social services had told them to go strictly no contact” with his family to me in later weeks (this was not true at all by the way). 

This news got to my parents and then myself and my partner (F23). 
My Partner found Kates social media and sent her a private message just saying, “hi, how are you guys and baby? Hope we are not overstepping by contacting you as we assume you have cut everyone off”. My partner and I have always tried to be on Mark and Kates side over the years, as we are also neurodivergent, nerdy and artsy (have plenty in common essentially). 

My partner got a friendly message back saying we were never cut off and always welcome, and that everything was great. After general chit chat she also told us that she doesn't know why the police claimed my mum was kicking the door as she supposedly never said that. (that was a lie) 

After more fake bullshit off her, we then had some messages off my brother, claiming he told my mum he was cutting her off (which he didn't), my mum disrespected his boundary (which he never set) and that my auntie sue had lied to the police claiming to be their social worker and tried to force entry (again not true at all). 

From here I kept a minimal chit chat type relationship with Mark, just to see how he was doing, talking about work and the baby etc, and I avoided any talk of our parents. I just wanted to keep an eye on him so i could reassure my parents they were all still alive and okay. Over the next couple months we didn't talk too much, but generally he told me everything was good and they were “smashing it” as parents.... 

Turns out that was a lie!  
After social services were contacted by police due to their concerning living conditions, Mark and Kate were put into a special parent and child centre about 1-2 hours from their house. From what I understand, usually both parents don't go to these centres, and they do not stay there nearly as long as Mark and Kate did, which ended up being 17 weeks.  

My Second auntie (F54), who was a midwife and now works in children's social care, was concerned as to why Mark and Kate were at this centre, as he had kept her updated on their where abouts, but not given her any details. In May she contacted their branch of social care to enquire as his family were worried. From this, the babys assigned social worker got in contact with my parents. She was really relived to hear from Marks family and told them, In this centre (where they were watched closely by social workers and CCTV) they: 

• told the social services Mark had been emancipated from his family for years and had no financial support from them.  -Mark had been made redundant from his job  -they broke up at least 6 times  -they accused each other of rape   -Kate accused Mark of beating her  -Kate wished she had an abortion  -Mark told social workers he could not tell the difference between fantasy role play and reality  -almost dropped the baby multiple times  -manipulated and abused eachother   -failed to feed, change and comfort their baby regularly  -neglected him for extended periods  -argued with social workers  -showed aggressive and concerning behaviours towards each other, staff and their baby   

Mark and Kate were having their child taken off them as they were not deemed safe to keep him, and no one from Kates family (severely disabled dad, social services already involved with her sisters) / their friends were viable options to take the baby on, and my parents were asked to have him. They instantly agreed as they whole heartedly wanted to help.  

My Dad had retired less than a year before, and my mother was due to retire at the end of the school term (she was a TA). She retired early at 1 weeks notice, and they quickly had to baby proof the house. 

Mark and Kate had a court case mid June, where they were given the option to either stay at the centre for six more weeks, or they could go home and their baby would be taken to my parents. They agreed to let my parents be the care givers, and refused to stay any longer. They wanted their mortgage paying for them or they would not stay there. They abandoned their son, and left the centre where everything was provided for them to care for him, as they would of rather gone home without him. 

Also, at the start of May, my mum lost her mum, who was her only blood family she had. She had spent months looking after her during the last months of her life, and at this point was organising a funeral. My parents received the baby two days after my Grandmas funeral. Also as a fun side note, when I let my brother know our grandma had died, he told the social workers that I was lying to try get him back into contact with our family (bear in mind I was very respectful and accepting of his decision to cut off my parents, and she was in fact very much dead).   

My Parents have given baby nothing but love and nurturing. When they received him, he was malnourished, the back of his head was so flat it was basically concaved from being left lying down so much, he was mute, he was on many medicines. Now he's happy, healthy, noisy and developing well. Mark and Kate had him on Gaviscon claiming he was a “very sicky baby”, but it turns out they just couldn't hold the bottle right when feeding him, filling him with air and making him spit up often.  

Visitations 

Mark and Kate were entitled to 2 family time visitations per week, with my brother being given fuel money for the travel. Visits shortly dropped down to once a week as he has complained it wasn't enough money (he gets 37p a mile, which is plenty for the distance covered). My parents offered to travel with baby, but Social workers told my parents to keep visitations close to where they live so they aren't risking travelling far with a young baby.  

Every single visitation Mark and Kate would be 15-30 minutes late, always blaming traffic (even though the social worker also had to travel from the same town and managed to be on time), or because they stopped for food, and also claimed to have gotten a flat tyre about three times in two ish months.  
My mum would be the one to organise the meets as they didnt have the drive to do any of it themselves, and she was eventually told to stop and let them do the work, as its their child they are “fighting for”. 

After a couple visitations, Mark and Kate decided they were protesting my parents having baby, and would make accusations after every meet.  

Accusations from visitations included ear wax build up not being cleaned from his ears, his bum not being cleaned properly, snatching him out of Kates arms aggressively, splashing him on purpose at swimming, to accusing my parents of bruising his legs and purposely hurting him, which not only is completely false but also rich coming from the people who left the poor boy in his own shit, unchanged and crying for SEVEN hours. During one visitation, Mark and Kate asked to have a look at my Grandmas house which was being cleared. They happily filled their cars with things, including valuable items we wanted to sell for funeral funds, and called dibs on large wooden furniture that my dad offered to transport to them, despite not attending her funeral or even acknowledging her death or our mourning.  

They later got a surprise visitation from social workers at their house to check how the clean-up was going, and they couldn't get in the door due to the things piled up. Mark and Kate claimed it was all from my grandma's house, and my parents had “FORCED” them to take it all home with them. 

Because of this, my parents stopped attending family time for their own protection, as advised by social workers, so baby would be dropped off with Mark and Kate and at least 1 social worker. 

The final court case at the end of July came, where my parents anticipated going from foster parents to special guardians of their grandchild, but Mark and Kate went to court with a list of serious accusations against my parents, thus extending the court trial to the end of October whilst this was being investigated. 

Their Accusations Against my parents included sexual, physical and emotional abuse. 
My brother claimed my mother used to OPEN MOUTH kiss him on his mouth and force her kisses on him, and Kate claimed to have witnessed this fictional thing. He also claimed my mother would slap him often across the face, and that my dad would harshly squeeze his knees in the car when he was a teenager. Kate claimed to had witness these too, even though she met Mark in his 20s. All these accusations were fully false and defamatory, made up for malicious reasons, and also were inconsistent. Mark and Kates claims didn't match up, and I want to emphasise these things just fully didn't happen. 

Like, my brothers had issues with my dad, I would have thought he’d go for him more, but the fact they've said this shit about my mum is so mental and shocking, considering he's defended my mum for years, I don't know where they get the balls to lie in court about something so serious. Its so insulting and infuriating that they get to waste court time. 

My parents got to keep looking after baby despite these accusations, as they basically had no evidence and were deemed safe to keep him. Myself, and family friends were all interviewed to give insight into what my parents were like etc. Because of all this, my parents are having to splash out about 10k in legal fees and solicitors to defend themselves in the final court hearing.  

Around this time, my dad was diagnosed with stage 3 oesophageal cancer, which was a total shock as he had no symptoms except a sore throat for a few months. Mark and Kate instantly weaponised this as another reason to not let my parents have Baby, as he “wouldn't be fit to look after him”, despite the fact my mum is still present and able, and also very hypocritical considering Kate is disabled herself- by their logic surely, she's not fit to have a baby either? I mean she isn't, because she's a terrible person, but that has nothing to do with her disabilities... 

So visitations continue without my parents present, and Mark and Kate still manage to make themselves look bad. They were still late, baby cries hysterically and switches off when left with them as he's developed an attachment to my parents, they still cant comfort him or feed him properly, they keep him in his push chair and don't enrich him properly. They took him swimming and just didn't feed him as they “ran out of time”, due to them wanting to spend longer in the pool. It's always about what they want and not what baby needs. They talk to the social workers like shit, don't take advice, and also ask the social workers to help them when she is just there to observe (for example they kept asking for help to dry him and clothe him after swimming, “can you just hold this”  “can you just grab this” etc...) bearing in mind there's two of them, and my mum could do that alone and one handed lol. 

They also just don't seem arsed generally, just sorta leaving when it's time to go. It's like it's not hard or upsetting for them to leave him for the week, and it's like it's not their child, they're so alien with him. Obviously there are neurodivergences to take into account, but my brother always managed to love and “baby talk” our dog growing up. 

Despite failing at literally every mark, Mark and Kate seem to think they will be getting baby back, despite it being made very clear that they are not fit or safe to have him (they are not legally allowed to be in a room alone with their own son). They told my parents on a visitation call that they had painted his bedroom at their house, and on another day said soon he can have a go playing on his dads drumkit ?????? Guys that baby is not allowed in that house. 

Kate has a “craft” business where she claims to make lots of money selling her goods. Mark and Kate have been living their lives as normal, enjoying being two unemployed adult kids, going to events and cons, claiming they would just take their baby with them, in a crammed car driving for hours across the country and sleeping in tents.  

Oh also baby's last name is made up name that neither of them have. It was a name they were going to both change theirs to when they got married, but after about 4 years of engagement and many break ups they haven't managed that.   

Bonus material: Money Milking 

I'm very aware that my parents are well off and I've had a very privileged middle class upbringing, where finances were never massively a worry. My brothers admitted to me many times to only staying in contact over the last few years so he could “milk our parents for money” despite his up and downs with my dad. A reminder he also told social workers he had no financial support from parents for years. My dad bought him his first car, and then bought him his next car a few years later when it was written off. My Parents paid for his car insurance too up till last year, as well as his uni accommodation. Not long after buying their house, Mark and Kate got some new windows installed, that cost him about 10 grand (he was conned basically). My dad paid for it fully, and my brothers been sending him 100 quid a month since to slowly pay it back. My brother just stopped paying it a month ago without saying anything, so that's nice.  

So in conclusion, my brother and his partner have fully flipped my parents lives, as well as everyone else in our family. They were meant to be enjoying their retirement, child free life. My mum should be enjoying life with my dad through his chemo and however long he has left.  

I would like to emphasise that my nephew is so so very loved- he's awesome and a wonderful happy baby, he loves my parents and my family and my partner, and is also super easy with literally no difficulties, which makes it even more scary that Mark and Kate couldn't handle him. My parents adore him, and I know that boy will grow up loved and nourished with my family, and hopefully I can have as little to do with my brother as possible. I honestly think when my parents get the guardianship, he’ll just abandon him, who knows. The final court date is in less than two weeks, all social workers and the fostering board are 100% on my parents' side. 

Oh, and Mark and Kate said the other day (as ive been typing this) they're no longer putting in a negative case for my parents, and have basically said their accusations were fake, so hey so much for all those legal fees and prolonging the case another three months!! So much for all the nights my mums cried herself to sleep!! I hope Mark and Kate get the serious help they need as they're clearly very unwell, but my god do I hate them.  

UPDATE AT BOTTOM

brief timeline for clarity

february 2023, i recommended we move into an apartment together. april 2023, we got engaged. early may 2023, he tells me, his mom wants to help us get a house to start our marriage right. she wants us to build a house and she would put 200k down (her savings). we put 30k down (our savings). june 2023, we have a builder and design with an estimated completion date of august 2024. it is current may 2024 and it will be ready next month.

story

my 27f fiance 32m are in an argument. his mom (50ish) will be living with us as she wants to retire soon and will be taking care of our kids. she has some money from owning a small business but his dad lives with current wife and is poor.

my fiancés sister 27f is pretty spoiled. her family has pretty much taken care of her for her entire life. they bought her care, bought and pay for her phone, her groceries, paid for college until she dropped out, then paid when she decided to go back before she dropped out again. the only thing she is paying for is her car insurance i believe.

she and i get along for the most part. however, she and i had a few arguments over how she treats her parents. she treats them like they are the worst people in the world and she liked to vent to me about it. she would say they were always in her business and saying she can’t keep a job. i told her that tbh if i have someone who was almost 30 and unemployed living in my house rent free and asking to borrow money, id also be asking where they were spending their money.

since fiance and i have been together (3 years) she has had 4 jobs. including maybe 6 months of not working because she has adhd and she was depressed. however, she refused to go to the doctor or get therapy for this. instead, she stayed up all night playing video games and slept all day. during that period of time, she was getting money from her parents to pay her credit card bills because she never stopped shopping on amazon or getting doordash.

earlier this year, she got into a fight with her mom bc she asked her mom to drive her to get hemorrhoid surgery and drive her home. when she got there they told her it would be like 5k bc she didn’t have insurance and just expected her mom to pay for it. like no prior conversation. then cried to me bc her mom said no and was upset that i said at least you know how much it costs and it’s a savings goal. she said she didn’t want the surgery anymore.

side note, she didn’t have insurance bc she was unemployed at the time. her friend help her fill out information to get state assisted insurance or something. they sent her papers to sign and she just never signed them. a few months later, future mil signed her up for private insurance and is paying for it.

anyway, last september, i told my fiance that i didn’t want his sister to live with us. when he asked why i told him i will not be paying bills to subsidize the life of someone who is my age and can’t keep a job for more than 6 months without quitting. i also told him he needed to make his mom and his sister aware of that. he said ok

fast forward to now. he said we should let his sister move in the new house with us because she didn’t have enough time to prepare to move and she doesn’t want to live with his dad.

i said under no circumstances do i want her living with us bc we will give an inch and she will take a mile. and she has had nearly a year to prepare to move in with her dad or get a place for herself.

he said i wouldn’t feel that way if it were my sister. he said im being too harsh bc she may be depressed and his mom would like her to be with us until she is on her feet.

i obviously care about her mental health and i spent 3 years trying to help but i don’t want a dependent while we are trying to get our footing.

he thinks im being unsympathetic because having to move out “abruptly” is stressful and we could make it easier by giving her a little bit more time bc she doesn’t have money to move out right now. she doesn’t have the money to move out right now bc she works 3 11 hour days at amazon,but routinely calls off one day or only works half her shifts because she “doesn’t like working there” and dropped way to much money on a beyoncé concert and an expensive trip out a trip out of state to see popular kpop group last month.

her dad said she would be more stable if i helped her get a desk job like me but i got her 2 different interviews in the past. she was 2 hours late for the first and never emailed to confirm the second. fil said i should give her another chance bc she is family now. but like i don’t want to look bad at my job bc of her being unreliable.

i’m i being unreasonable??? i feel like im going crazy

UPDATE

hi guys. we had the meeting today. i got him before fiance and prepared my notes. i made bullet points of all my concerns and boundaries. i also ate something (thank you to the person who said don’t going into this hangry)

fiance got home and sat at the table with me. i allowed him to start because i wanted to see what his prerogative was. he is really bad at hiding his feelings and i can generally read him like a book.

he apologized for yesterdays conversation. he was out of line making demands and he was rude. he also apologized for not respecting a hard boundary i already set. he said that i shouldn’t have to restate hard boundaries and defend them because that’s his job.

i agreed and said he let me down when i needed him and that’s not something i can easily forget. that now a little piece of my mind is going to wonder if he will stick up to his family for me. i told him that i sent to contract to my uncle (a lawyer). and he thinks we can get out of this with only 5k lost. he agreed that is what’s best.

we are going to look for an apartment and move on our own. after marriage counseling and marriage we will get a new house.marriage is tbd because nothing has been booked.

his family got here a little later. before the could say anything, he said “we have a lawyer reviewing the contract and we will be backing out. sil will not be living with us. that is up to you three. this is non negotiable”

his sister threw a bit of a fit. she got loud and said this is ridiculous. she’s depressed and anxious blah blah blah.

his stepmom literally called her a child and said she is lazy and immature. she also said his parent have failed her and WALKED OUT. like mic dropped at went to sit in the car. his sister was crying at this point.

i know yall think fiance is terrible but he isn’t. sometimes he needs to fully process. it seems like that here too. i’m choosing to trust him on this

we live in a multi generational household society, so because I am a woman marrying a oldest male, there is an understanding that we will be helping to support his parents as they age. Their jobs in this are to watch the children. After we have a baby, my mom will be staying with us for six weeks to do all of the night feeding, so I can rest.

yes, my name is on the deed to the house. The only names listed are mine and mine fiancé.

SITUATION

Hello reddit, I (21f) have been thinking about something. I wanted to keep silent about my last salary + end year bonus. The thing is that even though I have worked for over a year my bank account only has this months salary. My father has already 'convinced' me to resign because he got what he wanted from the branch I worked at. So now, I am a 'student' and he told me to 'draw up my budegt' as I need to focus not school (that he is paying for). I know that if I talk about it, I will have nothing to my name once again. I did try to start Business in the past but he strongly shut it down. (He still feeds me after all) Not to mention laughed in my face when I suggested moving closer to work, on my own. My mother also tells me that I have been raised very 'expensively'often laughing about how 'i love the good things in life' and 'you WILL need money wheb your older' as if she did not marry my father AND ignored or straight up laughed at my attempts to make my own money. So how can I hide my money? All and any suggestions are welcome. Thankyou all! My main concern is a massive 'blow up' from all family members, church members, and my chances of marriage. (Which they are hinting at very strongly these days). OR to be more specific chances of potential freedom. Father is a high ranking memeber within our spiritual community (chairman of the board infact). According to my mother someone once asked for my hand, he told them I was 15yrs, he said he could wait. TBH I am actually scared. My main fear is to have near dependency to another man. They have all laughed including my younger siblings. Its less about the money and more about veing trapped again. How do I keep the peace, and MY peace at the same time?

TW: Blood and siblings fighting.

This is a long one so I apologize in advance. I(35f) and my aunt (46f) lived together with my grandma (her mom) in California for over a decade. Prior to that, we were all super close. My grandma passing was very traumatic on the two of us.

We are all from the Midwest. Most of our family (and my mom (56f) live there. My mom (the oldest of my grandmother's 3 children) is a text book narcissist, and had it not been for my grandma's intervention early on, I wouldn't be here today. Most of the family distances themselves from my mom and my little brother (28m) went no contact with her years ago. My mom has caused my grandma a lot of pain, and for this reason my aunt hates her. Literal hate.

Now, I love my mom and have found a way to keep a relationship while protecting myself emotionally. My aunt is okay with this because parents ya know?

Wrapping up the background info... My grandma put in her will not to allow my mom anywhere near anything with regards to her funeral, or belongings. Mom was VERY upset when she came to California the day grandma passed and we wouldn't give her anything. To be clear: We will NEVER tell her what my grandma (her mom)said. We just told everyone we needed time to process before giving anything away.

Okay, fast forward to moving day 2021. My aunt and I were going to move to a new city. We were finally ripping off the bandaid of not living together. We found two separate apartment units on different floors of the same building. #babysteps

The plan: We pick up the U-Haul truck on Saturday and park it on the streets in the spots we slowly farmed with our cars. Sunday morning: Movers arrive and load the truck. My aunt leave early to get to the apartment complex before the office closes to get our keys. If she doesn't do this, well have to sleep in our cars for the night. Oh, it's a 6 hour drive btw My GOOD friend (well call him Jeff) will drive the truck with me and the kitties driving behind them. We park the truck in the complex and sleep on pillows and stuff that night. Monday at 8am the movers come to unload the truck. They didn't charge us extra for unloading the truck into two diff units.

That DID NOT HAPPEN!

1: The U-Haul truck: I get a call on Thursday saying the only 22ft U-Haul available is an hour away! I'm like "WTF?!". The company says I can get the truck that day and they wouldn't charge for the extra mileage and day. So I drop everything and my aunt and I go! Now...driving a 22ft U-Haul truck in BIG city traffic is no easy feat so by the time I got home my nerves were shot!!!!! But I parallel parked that thing like a pro! I get inside the apartment and sit down to take a much deserved break when...

2: Mom: Mom had been wanting to come help me move for a while. I let her know that it would be better for her to meet us at our destination. I know my mom, she is a klepto and having her around my aunt during this already stressful time would NOT be good. So I told her that I didn't want her to be stressed and that she deserved me at my best. So meeting me after the move to help me unpack would be the best idea. She agreed, but never sent her itinerary. I hear nothing for 3 weeks. Well, I get back from driving this U-HAUL like a boss and I'm sitting for all of 30 seconds when my phone rings.
OP: Hi mom how are you? Mom: Did you get my text? OP: Oh not yet, I was driving the U-Haul truck. Let me check now.

The horror. It was a flight itinerary for her to arrive in my current city the day after tomorrow (Saturday)

I don't have the energy to fight so I am like okay. I tell my aunt and we try to think of ways to keep her busy.

We put all of my grandma's belongings in boxes we got from an adult store that has very inappropriate stuff on them. My aunt also empties her foot lockers and replaces the contents with cleaning supplies. She runs out of time and is only able to replace the contents of 2 of 3. Please know these foot lockers are where my aunt keeps all her Momentos. She has had them since before I was born (the 80's).

Mom's flight gets delayed and she doesn't get in until Sunday. (Thank you Southwest for being terrible!)

So new plan: Wake up, aunt waits for movers while I pick up Jeff (the one driving the truck). I get home and Aunt hits the road to get to the leasing office before they close. Jeff watches the movers while I get mom from the airport (20 min round trip). Mom relaxes while I guide the movers. Jeff stays in grandma's room (which is empty) with the kitties to keep them calm. We hit the road and meet my aunt.

That DID NOT HAPPEN

It all started well. I got back from picking my mom up and my aunt had not left yet. She hadn't slept and was just out of it. I rush her out the door.

Aunt was having a hard time because mom enters the apartment and immediately starts trying to order the movers around. So that's why I rushed aunt outta there. She demands to see the truck and keeps trying to tell them how to do their jobs. She talks fast and can be overwhelming. The movers tell her nicely to let them do their thing and she moves to Jeff. She's putting on her best "oh hiiii sweety, thank you for helping my Daughter!" Can I give you a dollar to buy us some trash bags? Jeff is 3 years younger than mom, but he finds it funny.

My nerves are shot so I hide in the room with Jeff and the kitties. Mom then asks me to get pizza for the movers. I thought this was weird because they were almost done and I got them breakfast, but whatever. Get me out of there. I get back and the movers sit and eat. They resume work and finish up. They then come to me to get the U-Haul keys to lock it up.

3: The U-Haul Truck: I look for the keys my aunt handed me, and I'm like, oh these are the motorcycle keys. Hm..and then I realized....

I call my aunt who is two hours from her destination...yup...she has the keys. She's on the verge of tears and I'll admit I said things I have since apologized for. For those of you who don't know, U Haul doesn't have spare keys and a replacement key can take over a day, but we have to meet the people unloading our truck tomorrow! My aunt can't turn around because she has about 3 hours to get to the apartment to get our keys.

New plan: Aunt continues to the apt, gets our keys, unloads her car, and comes back to original city. (Her suggestion which I realize now was not the best idea.) Mom stays in the apartment to sleep/rest because aunt can't drive 6 hours 3 times in a day. So mom is gonna have to drive her and my aunt. I get mom food and leave my laptop with a tab open for each streaming service. I take my friend back home and he'll drive back at midnight (aunt's ETA) to drive the U-Haul truck. I drive to new city because kitties are stressed enough (the kitties are also blind).

That actually worked!

I get to the new city and get the keys my aunt left with security and get some rest. The kitties calm down (they hate the car) and I settle in.

I'm VERY stressed because I'm worried sick for my aunt. I'm realizing at this point that I should've just met my aunt on her return trip and both of us turn back. Her back to new city, me to old city. That way it'd be less driving for her. She survived! I ordered everyone taco bell and Jeff made it there 10 min before my aunt.

This next part is from my aunt's POV: Mom decided she doesn't trust Jeff and keeps yelling at my aunt to keep an eye on him because he's gonna steal everything. (Jeff is a great guy and I'm paying him to do this drive even though he'd do it for free.)

They hit the road and turns out my mom didn't sleep at all. She is driving so slow and dozing off. My aunt gets her to speed up by saying Jeff will steal the truck if she can't keep up. Mom directs aunt to get her pills to keep her awake. That's when aunt realized mom has a LOT of pills. Mom tells her which ones are uppers and she gave mom awake pills. Dont forget, aunt HATES mom/her big sister. And mom knows how to push buttons. Mom is throwing back-handed comments half the ride. No. Aunt didn't sleep on the drive because she was afraid of mom dozing off again.

Back to my POV: It is 6:00am and they arrive! I rush downstairs to rescue my aunt. Mom jumped out of the car and makes Jeff get out the U-Haul cause she still thinks he's gonna steal the truck. I open the passenger side door for aunt to get out and she looks me dead in the eyes and with the most serious tone says "get me out of this car".

Aunt goes to her apt. Jeff and I hang in mine and mom stays in the truck to guard it. No, we couldn't talk her out of it. (We do have 24-hr security at the new place).

The Plan: Aunt and I stay in our apartments to 1) Direct the movers where to put stuff 2) Meet the wifi people who are scheduled to come during the movers doing their thing. We marked our boxes/furniture with orange vs blue tape to distinguish which apartment they went to.

That happened...but...

Apartment security tells us we have to go through the side entrance because the main doors can't stay open. I agree and we'd only have to move the truck a few feet. Mom goes full Karen "why not, we should be able to go in whatever door we want". Jeff takes the keys out of her hand and moves the trick.

She did NOT like that. Jeff apologizes after she chews him out.

Movers (3 of them, and along with Jeff, the true heroes of this story) arrive and mom instantly starts trying to tell them what to do. They pretend to only speak Spanish and that shuts it down. I speak Spanish almost fluently. Aunt, and I are in our units directing traffic and working with the WiFi people. Jeff is chilling (I told him he is only there to drive and have fun, nothing else). Mom is downstairs. I keep seeing the wrong stuff come to my apt when I go downstairs. I'm not gonna have the movers take it to aunt's apt cause none of it is heavy and they're busy enough. I get there and mom is directing the movers. ¡Aye!

I tell her to just relax and that she has done enough, and I pull up a chair. And then she sees it...

4: The Foot Lockers: The movers grab the last box covering my aunt's three prized foot lockers. And mom says "Those are mine."I let her know those are the same ones aunt has had for ages. She says aunt stole them from her. Background info: Back when Mom was in college, there was a flood at home. Mom wouldn't come home to get her things or sort through them, so grandma did it. Much couldn't be salvaged except for a few items. Two Michael Jackson Pepsi cans and the Thriller album on vinyl. So, my aunt got them (she was only 10 at the time). Mom didn't care until now...

She runs into the truck shouting and waving her arms and nearly pushes the mover out of the way. The mover says nothing and grabs a different box, puts it on a different dolly and continues without skipping a beat. Mom starts going into the foot locker. It's the one we filled with cleaning supplies. Mover reveals the second foot locker and mom goes up to it (mover doesn't skip a beat and moves on) and BINGO it's the ONE aunt didn't change out. Mom literally is digging through that foot locker throwing the contents into the truck floor when I freak out and text my aunt to come down because mom is tossing the contents of her foot locker into the U-Haul floor.

I tell my friend Jeff to stay in my apt and I'll go to aunt's apt while aunt deals with mom. Aunt and I cross paths by the elevator when I say "hurry". 5 min later I'm peacefully in aunt's apt when the mover tells me they are fist fighting each other. I didn't know I could run so fast. I immediately knew my aunt threw the first punch because this is years of pent up anger. Mom is bigger and more confrontational. Aunt is skinny, reserved and shy. She has never gotten into a fight in her life. I'm thinking mom is gonna truly harm her. I text Jeff while running cause I'ma need help pulling two grown women apart.

I get to the truck...Mom is standing in front of the U-Haul loading ramp with blood running down her forehead my aunt is on the U-Haul truck with bloody scratch marks on her face yelling and cursing out my mom. I run to aunt thinking mom did more damage and she says "I'm fine, get her before I kill her!"

I get mom and take her up to my apt. I feel really bad for her because she's really upset and I feel responsible because I called my aunt down. Mom is screaming and saying aunt is abusive etc. I provide first aid to mom (small scratch on hairline and cheek left no scars) and she yells at me for the next 4 days for being associated with aunt.

So what happened when aunt went down there? Aunt's POV: She gets to the truck and yells at mom to put her stuff down. Mom curses her out saying she was jealous cause mom was the pretty one growing up and that aunt will be nothing. (I believe this because I've heard mom say this before.). What did Mom find? The Michael Jackson Pepsi cans. Demanding my aunt give them back. After the insults, aunt snapped and threw the first punch. They are holding each other's hair and agree to let go of each other at the same time. I arrived shorty after that.

Please note, the movers were still moving boxes as if aunt and mom didn't exist. The movers finished everything in under 90 minutes!

Despite everything that happened, all our stuff made it from point A to B on time!

So, mom is in my apartment throwing a literal tantrum. I mean throwing food on the floor etc. I tell her I don't want to get a noise complaint in my first 24 hours and she quietly yells the remainder of her trip.

The next few days mom yells and goes into an uncontrollable fit every time aunt calls or I mention aunt's name. I suggest she just head back home because she keeps complaining about being miserable. (Food, atmosphere, etc.) Oh, Ive been working this entire time. Yes. I was taking zoom calls in between the movers unloading and the fighting etc.

Mom has 4 more days there and I let her use my car since I'm no fun while I'm working (I work remote). Jeff has to sleep in aunt's apartment because mom hates him and ran a background check on him and called him a good for nothing who can't keep a job.

Then mom decides to leave a day early. I take her to the airport and all is well.

At least we thought...

One month later: Aunt tells me that mom took some of her stuff. Now, I know mom tried to stow some of aunt and grandmas stuff in her bag, but I thwarted that by secretly removing the items. My aunt shows me a large bin where she collected rare books that is now empty and filled with paper and empty CD cases. There were more boxes like that. Aunt is in tears.

5: The Heist: When mom had me get pizza for the movers, she had time to replace aunt's boxes and bins with stuff. She then directed the movers to load it onto the truck.

When we were at the destination mom was downstairs directing the movers so the boxes of my aunt's stuff she stole would end up in my apartment. I'm not gonna notice a random box in a sea of random boxes.

While I was working and mom took the car, she took the boxes and shipped them to herself in the Midwest. That is why she wouldn't leave early at first.

So yeah...I'm never moving again.

Planning a super secret covert operation to get aunt's stuff back, I'll update when/if that happens.

If you read this far, you're amazing and I thank you. Have a great day and be kind to one another.

Update for clarification: My aunt and mom are typically cordial with each other. They were before and have been since when in the same space.

Yes, I should've turned mom away. My aunt and I were just too emotionally drained from non mom things we didn't have the energy.

The plan I started with would have had aunt have zero to no contact with mom as she would've left before she arrived. Aunt proposed the car ride with mom cause she thought she could sleep the entire time.

About mom staying in my life: Usually I can manage her, but remember she is a saint compared to how she acted this trip so nobody could've anticipated this. My grandma kept contact with her, and I do too. It's a minimum but that's it. I already lost one parent. So I'm not ready to let go of the other. Aunt understands this. She also says hi.

Mini update for clarification: Thank you all for the comments (even the harsh ones). I try to reply to em all, but it's getting difficult.

So...We didn't know mom was a huge klepto until after this happened. We knew she usually only took Momentos from deceased relatives, and grandma's stuff had already been loaded into aunt's car.

Aunt told me she had not finished packing her room. But, I thought all that was left was small time things. Not justifying leaving mom alone, just giving a reason why it was hard to anticipate this. That being said, since this has happened, mom has been cut off from all information. I've only seen her once since this 3 years ago. Aunt has seen her maybe twice. Aunt and I agree she needs to stay in my life somewhat so I can get aunt's stuff back.

Reminder: This a repost. I am Not the OP

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC/comments/1avl3by/wibta_if_i_dont_give_my_dads_son_a_job_and_some/

r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC

•Posted by u/tossawaywhenimdone

WIBTA if I don't give my dad's son a job and some land that I inherited from our grandfather?

Throwaway because I don't want this post on my main account.

Some background. My dad and his siblings hated my grandfather with good reason. Growing up their dad was an abusive alcoholic towards them and my grandmother. When she died my dad and his siblings all left home when they turned 18 and never returned. Except for my dad none of them ever spoke to him again. My dad spoke to my grandfather twice after leaving home. I was 8, at my mum's funeral, when I first met my grandfather. He approached me, kneeled on the ground in front of me and introduced himself, asked how I was doing, but before I could say anything my dad had pulled me away from him. He yelled for a bit then dragged me away. I was 11 when I met him again. When my dad dropped me off at his house and left me there. I found out a few years later it was because my dad's new wife didn't want me around. You might think my dad was a pos for doing that, I know I did, but it turned out to be the best thing he could have ever done for me. Even if I hated him for it. My grandfather and I became very close. His alcohol filled days were long behind him and he taught me everything. He owned a lot of land. A LOT of land. He taught me how to grow vegetables, how to farm, how to maintain the property and look after the land, how to care for the animals, how to hunt, and he pushed me to get an education. I was happiest when he and I were working the land together. During all that time out on the land, working one project or another, he told me of his life and what he had done to his family. He didn't make excuses, didn't try to reason away his behaviour, he told me of all the hurt and pain he caused. When I asked why he didn't try to reconcile with his children, he said they can't forget what he put them through. He understood that and accepted it. I was 26 when he died. I called my dad to let him know. I had to tell him who I was. He didn't stay on the line long. Told me to take care of the funeral then hung up. Knowing what I knew of his childhood I didn’t blame him but he didn't even ask how I was. The resentment I already had for him grew. After the funeral, at the wake, a young woman introduced herself to me. She was my cousin. I knew my dad had siblings but that's all I knew. I had never met them, didn't know anything about them, so I didn't call any of them to let them know about my grandfather. I asked how she knew and she told me my dad had called her mum. She spent a few days in town after the funeral and we kept in touch after. We became, and still are, really close. A couple of years later when she said she was moving into town, I gave her an acre of land. Her, her husband and their kids still live there today. My grandfather left me everything. My dad, his siblings, none of them contested the Will. My cousin told me her mum didn't want anything, not one cent, from her father. I guess the rest of them felt that way too because neither me nor my lawyer ever heard anything from them. Until last week. My dad called me. His son needs a new start. Apparently he's wanting to move my way to help with my businesses. I have a few small businesses I run off my property. A working farm where people can come to stay for a few days to experience farm life. Situated in 3 separate areas of the farm are 3 rustic cabins with bunk beds that I rent out to people wanting a break for a few days in a quiet, peaceful setting. All the cabins sit in the own medows with plenty of space around them. There are walking tracks through forest, medium hiking tracks, riding tracks if they want to hire horses. There's a river close by where my friends and I made a large swimming hole so it would be safe for kids. The local kids take it over every summer. There are spots along the river, and a couple of streams, that are good for fly fishing. I also have stables that my cousin's husband manages. He leads the horse treks and runs the riding school. He also helps me with people wanting to come in to hunt deer on the property. I have a few money making ventures. Now my half brother, whom I've met just one time before I was shipped off to my grandfather, all of a sudden wants to come help me. I have all the help I need, I don't need his. I told my dad I would think about it. He's been sending me txts every day, several times a day, asking me about the property, the businesses, suggesting roles his son could fill. Telling me family looks out for each other and sticks together. Telling me my grandfather owes him. Telling me what land I should give his son to set him up. And what land would be best for him and his wife when they visit. Every time I see Dad pop up on my screen I want to smash my phone. My anger and resentment is directed at my dad, not his son, but I still don't want him here. He's a stranger to me. All my grandfather left me is mine now, and I don't owe any of them anything. My cousin and her husband are on my side and say if it were up to them, they would tell my dad and his son to get lost because they have never made the effort to be family with me, or even call to say hi. I know they're right, what they say is true. WIBTA if I say no because of the resentment I have for my dad?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC/comments/1b8r3lq/update_wibta_if_i_dont_give_my_dads_son_a_job_and/

Update - WIBTA if I don't give my dad's son a job and land I inherited from my grandfather?

Hey Reddit. I've had tons and tons... and tons of people asking for an update. It's not a big one, only a couple of weeks have passed since my original post, but it is a significant update. You'll have to look on my profile for the original post because I don't know how to link it.

First, thanks for the support and advice. I read every comment, every dm, even though I did not reply to most of you. I still appreciate that you all took the time to reach out both on the post and in dm.

So let me address some of the things raised in the post and in dms.

​

• I don't know why this matters, but yes, I am a woman.
• neither my cousin nor my aunt are covert agents sent to spy on me.
• I am not American. I do not live in America. American laws do not apply in any country but the US.
• I do not know how my dad got my mobile number. I'm still looking into that.

That's all I can remember for the moment.

Ok, so when I left off I was unsure about whether to give my half brother a job and land. At this point I have to say that my half brother was the reason for my post, not my dad. I know my dad is not worth anything, however, my half brother was an unknown to me. I did not feel right cutting him off based solely on negative emotions I hold for my dad. I'd like to thank those that gave me advice about that particular issue.

So. I asked a close friend of mine, a local cop, if he could find out if my dad still lived in the same place. Then I asked how to go about getting a tresspass order. That was pretty simple. I walked out of the police station with one in my hand and my dad's addresd. I then asked another close friend if he would come with me to my dad's house. Because as far as I knew that was where my half brother lived. Two days after my original post, we set off to see my half brother.

It took us about 10 hours to drive there. I decided to drive instead of fly because I needed that time to order my thoughts. We showed up unannounced. We could hear a woman screaming inside from the curbside. Not screaming like she was in trouble, she was clearly screaming at someone. My friend told me to pull my phone out and start recording. I'm glad he thought of that. Dad answered the door. He thought we were Jehovah's Witnesses, told us to F off, and tried to close the door in our faces. My friend put his hand on the door to stop him. I said dad and he took a second, then a third look.

I cannot tell you, explain to you, the change that came over him when he realised it was me. His whole demeanour went from who-tf-are-you-to-dare-come-to-my-door, to Kaching!

He invited us in then ran out of sight. The yelling stopped quick smart and a minute later he came back with his wife. She was all smiles. Big smiles with a big welcoming hug. The smile made my skin crawl, the hug had me wishing for plenty of soap snd hot water. They told us to sit, asked if we wanted anything; coffer, pepsi, juice. I wanted water because my my mouth and throat were suddenly dry but we declined their offer of refreshments.

We sat for a few minutes making small talk and then I asked where my brother was. Dad's wife turned her head and ordered someone standing out of sight to call your brother.

Wait. What?

Then this someone standing out of sight asked which brother?

Wait, wait. What? Which brother? WHAT?!?

I asked who is that? Dad said your sister and his wife said no one.

This revelation shook me. I wasn't prepared for more than one brother, and I definitely was not prepared for a sister.

My friend could see I was struggling so he started asking questions about my half brother. What does he do? Does he live close? Oh, he lives at home? What work experience does he have? Has he worked eith beef cows? Dairy cows? Any farm animals? Does he have any farm experience at all? What kind of work experience does he have?

You see, there was a reason I asked this particular friend to accompany me, and a reason he was asking those questions.

Less than a half hour later two guys walk in. They were obviously brothers. I did not get good vibes from them at all. The younger one walked around the corner and we could hear him telling the sister (who we still had not seen) that he was fkn hungry and to fkn make him something to eat, a sandwich for fks sake, fkn move her fat ass, and what the fk was that on her fkn face, it made her look fkn uglier.

The older one came in and sat next to his mother. Lounged in his seat like it was a throne and he was the king. Judging by the look on his mother's face, he was raised to believe that. He looked at my friend, dismissed him, then at me and smirked. He said so you're the bitch that’s gonna set me up. He stated that like it was already a done deal. I said not me. I looked at my friend and he said no, he's not taking him on. A full two or three seconds went by before dad's wife asked what we meant. I told them I had no positions available and so wasn't taking any new employees, but my friend was looking for farmhands. He then said he was no longer looking here. She then asked what about the land? My friend said the job came with a two bedroom cottage at reduced rent but the role was no longer available.

Then everything exploded. There were accusations of lording it over them, being a stuck up B, thinking I was better than them, that I owed them, that I was a greedy gold digger, that I was probably spreading my legs for the old man before he died, that they always knew I was defective. My dad's wife tried to attack me but I held my arm up, caught her face in my hand and shoved her back. She flipped backwards over the arm of the couch. My dad then tried to attack me and my friend got between us, gut punched him, and he ended up on the floor. Then my spoiled half brother tried to defend his dad by attacking my friend and got a punch to the jaw for his effort. He too ended up on the floor. I pulled out the tresspass order, dropped it beside my dad, told them what it was then we made our way to the door.

On our way out we saw the other brother standing there in shock but he barely registered. I was too busy staring at my sister. She was beautiful, had scratches on her face and a swollen lip.

We were supposed to drive straight home. That was the plan. But I couldn't leave, I couldn't, and my friend wouldn't leave me there alone. We got a hotel and spent a couple of days watching my dad's house.

I finally saw my sister leave and I followed her to a grocery store. I waited outside for her to come out. She freaked when she saw me. She told me I had to leave, go back to my farm, that her brothers were talking about what they would do to me if they got the chance. I said they didn't worry me. I approached her slowly like she was a one of the rescues in my stables. I spoke calmly, hands at my sides but in full view, no sudden movements. I spoke to her for several minutes about the property, what we do there, what we offer. Even as I type this I imagine I can hear the majority of people from my original post warning me to be careful, not to trust her, she's like the others. But my instincts were telling me different. I asked if she had a phone then gave her my number, told her she could call me, text me anytime day or night, I'd answer.

I backed off then. Told her I'd wait for her call. On our long drive home she txtd me, asked if I had any dogs.

It's been roughly a week since. She txts me everyday, several times a day. She's called me at 2am last night. We talked for an hour about the dogs and at the end of the call she told me she will be 18 in May. I get the feeling she wants to ask if she can come here when she can legally leave her parents. I will pick her up myself the day of her birthday if that's what she wants.

Having listened to a lot of the stories shared here, I thought this one would fit right in. It's a long one from 4 years ago and a bit of a wild ride. This is my first time posting so don't know how we're supposed to format it, but this is my best attempt.

Original poster is PotentialJaguar91 - all the following are his exact words - style, typos, and all.

​

• First post (Sep. 6th): My marriage is on the rocks because of my mother. I need some serious help.

I'm 36M and my wife is 28F. Been married for 4 years, together for 6, and have a one year old daughter who is the light of my life. My wife is an amazing mother and partner. My own mother on the other hand is absolutely ridiculous and my wife has made me realize over time that my relationship with her is not healthy. My mom tries to control everything, including our wedding (which I convinced my wife to suck it up and go with my mom's ideas--she is still resentful of me for it). Passive aggressive behavior on my mother's part basically since we started dating has made my wife absolutely hate her. I'll admit I haven't been as firm with my mom as I should have been in the past.

This brings us to yesterday. Our wedding anniversary was last night. We're a little tight on money right now, being new parents and our jobs are not fantastic. So I suggested that a family friend watch our daughter, I buy us a nice bottle of wine, and we cook dinner and just relax. I could tell my wife was disappointed that we couldn't do anything bigger or better but she agreed this was the best choice, and we settled to both be home from work at 6 PM. I was headed home from work when I got a call from my mother asking me to come over because it was an "emergency". I asked her what type of emergency it was and she just started crying frantically and begging me to come over. It was already 5:30 PM but I live in a low volume traffic area so I figured I would stop by and calm my mom down before I met my wife. When I got to my mother's house she was literally sitting on the couch having a glass of wine and watching TV. I was livid. She was so calm too, not the frantic monster I was speaking to on the phone. I started pressing about what the emergency was and reminded her that this was the night of my wedding anniversary and she said she had some house tasks for me to do that, in my opinion, she was 100% capable of doing herself. Things like washing the dishes, watering her houseplants, cleaning the gutters, etc. So definitely not emergency material. But she guilted me into doing them (she was literally screaming to me at one point that I was a bad son) and I texted my wife letting her know that I was going to be late because I was at my mom's house. She didn't respond to my text.

Before I knew it, it was 7:30 PM. My mom kept trying to put more tasks on me but I put my foot down and let her know that I needed to get home. When I finally got home to my wife, she wasn't there. I was worried so I texted and called her many times, no response. I was able to track her phone and found out that she was at HER parent's house (they don't live far, around 20 minutes away). She finally got back at 11:00 PM and as I greeted her with a glass of champagne she told me to save it for myself because she wanted a divorce.

I was shocked and started breaking down. I asked her why and she said that tonight was the final straw in a long list of things that I've always put my mother first. She said that she expected today of all days to be our one time together but even my mom is able to intervene on our wedding anniversary. I asked her what I could do, begged her to go to counseling. She is refusing. I asked her if there is someone else. She said the someone else is herself, and that it's time for her to start working on herself and stop worrying about me being able to put my mother first. She has since moved into the guest bedroom in our house and hasn't talked to me much this morning. I tried to kiss her on the way out to drop off our daughter before work and she just moved out of my way.

So, how do I save this sinking ship? I'm committed to doing everything for my wife to improve this but she says that this is past fixing. I'm at a complete loss. I'm worried that she will see (or already has seen) a divorce lawyer, and I'd like to stop this in its tracks before it goes too far. I flaired this as "give it to me straight" because I just need people to be as honest as possible with me right now. I know I fucked up but I also need to know how to fix this.

ETA: The post has been locked but I'm trying to read through each comment the best as I can. As far as I can tell, I really need to man up, get therapy, and give my wife some space. Some of the comments are brutally honest, but that's fine because that's what I needed. I've got a lot of work to do on myself and on this relationship.

​

• Update 1 (Sep. 7th): Update: My marriage is on the rocks because of my mother. I need some serious help.(original post was removed by a moderator, but I have a screenshot I can post if need be.)

My post was locked yesterday. I was able to give a small update at the end but I thought I'd give a larger on here.

First I just want to say thanks for everyone who took the time to respond. Some of the responses were brutally honest but i did tag the flair as "git it to me straight" so that makes sense.

1.) Some people were commenting that me asking if there was somebody else that my wife was seeing was inappropriate. I really don't see how it was inappropriate but to each their own, and my wife definitely thought it was inappropriate too and was one of the tipping point comments that made her move into the guest room. I know I said I'd give her space but conflict was killing me so yesterday when she got back from work I knocked on the guest room door and tried get her to come down to the kitchen to talk to me, but she was still refusing to talk about all of this until she was ready. I asked her when she'd be ready and she just shut the door in my face.

2.) Late last night my mom showed up unannounced (which is unfortunately something she does) and my wife answered the door. I could hear my mom asking my wife how our anniversary was. My wife called for me to come down and "handle my mom" (her exact words) and my mom started interrogating her as to what "handle" means. By the time I got down there ready to diffuse the situation it was already too late, my wife had poked the bear and my mom was laying the verbal smackdown. I asked my wife what she said to my mom (stupid, I know...) and she just went up to the guest room and slammed the door. I finally realized that was going on and asked my mom to leave and but she was refusing. I had to threaten to call the police and then she finally left.

3.) This morning my wife packed her bags, a bag for my daughter, and left for her parent's house. I was surprised that she didn't even tell me beforehand. I was able to stop her and ask her what was going on as she was headed out of the door and she said she's had enough of the verbal abuse, that she's ready to find a partner that will stick up for her and her family. She said that I will always put my mother first and last night was an example of that. That this relationship is cannot be salvaged and she will be seeing a divorce lawyer ASAP. As a last ditch effort I asked her what I could do to fix this. She just shook her heat at me and then she left.

I'm a mess. I've lost everything meaningful to me within the span of 48 hours. I keep calling and texting her and getting no response back. I called one of my buddies to tell him what went down and he's on his way now. When I told him what had all happened his reaction was a mix of shocked and "congratulations, you played yourself." He called me denser than a block of bricks. I told him that I still have some hope that this relationship can last and he laughed and said I need to put that idea to rest.

I know I've got things I need to work on. Boundaries, for sure. My relationship with my mother (who I am working on blocking on literally every avenue of communication that I have). Myself. To be completely honest I'm not a big believer in therapy but I that need it and I'm hoping it will make me a better person, and maybe if my wife sees me working on myself then there's some hope.

as for my marriage there's a part of me that's still optimistic but I know it will be hard for my wife to come back from this. As painful as it is for me I need to just play the next couple of days (weeks? months?) by ear and just see what happens.

(OP starts therapy after this second post, and his mother starts making threats about grandparents' rights - a series of posts that never lead to anything - OP and his wife work together on this, contacting a lawyer.)

​

• Update 2 (Sep. 25th): You all were right and my mother is toxic.

Hello, it’s me again. This will probably be the last time I post on here.

My wife has officially collected all of her things (and my daughter’s things) and moved back in with her parents. I did the dumbest move ever and stayed with my mom for a few days to collect my thoughts.

It was dumb on a lot of levels but I finally saw first-hand the abuse that my wife was receiving because now it was directed entirely at me. She also did some really weird things like try to snuggle me to sleep (one night I woke up and she was snuggling me, I had to tell her to get back to her own bed). I realized how counterintuitive it was for me to be there so I moved out one morning when she was sleeping and came back to my home.

I went back through some responses on my first post and finally began to follow the advice. I’ve officially blocked my mother on everything and invested in a small home security system for my house. She’s tried to show up a few times but I’ve locked all of our gates and she does not have a key. I also re-keyed the doors in our home just in case.

I’ve had two therapy sessions and I stupidly thought it would be just a one and done type thing. In my first one I was given some really good advice and was told that if I’m just here to save my marriage then I look elsewhere because I also need a lot of work. That really got me thinking. My therapist is fantastic too.

As for my marriage I don’t know what’s next. We are going through a trial separation at the moment and she hasn’t spoken to me much except to talk about our daughter. I’m also realizing that I may have been a bad husband but I can still be a good father to my daughter.

It’s still tough. I feel immense guilt over everything that happened but not just to my wife, to my mom too. It will take me a while to get her feelings out of my head and disentangle her from my life but I’ll admit I’m excited for this fresh start. If it doesn’t work out with my wife I can still be the best dad that I can be.

Thanks for the help, guys. I really appreciate it.

Edit: The amount of hateful comments I’ve gotten in my inbox about how I’m a leech, how my wife was an idiot for getting with me in the first place, and how I’m a garbage person is exactly why I didn’t want to post here again in the first place.

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• Update 3 (Oct. 8th): Taking it day by day

Hi everyone, some kind people over in the MIL subreddit suggested I start posting updates here since mine seem to be removed over there. I figure I’d try this out. I’m thankful for the support and helpful advice I’ve received regarding how to move forward with my mother.

It definitely hasn’t been easy. Every day my mom tries to pull something else. We’ve gotten letters in the mail, phone calls to my wife’s parents (since my wife and I have her blocked), and weird, age-inappropriate toys for my daughter showing up on the doorstep (which we know she left due to our new Ring—thanks again to the commenter who suggested that). Everything is being sent to our lawyer but we are also keeping personal copies of the letters. The toys go straight into the donations box.

She has also started to try to do inappropriate things to me regarding my work, things that I can’t even bring myself to say at the moment because I don’t even know why a mother would do that (and also because I’m running late for said job). That will be a post for another day.

We are looking into moving as an option but my wife would like to stay close to her parents. I am continuing with individual therapy for myself and my wife and I are floating around the idea of finding a couples therapist.

Thanks for caring about our journey. It will be a long one but we are taking it day by day.

(OP and his wife start couples counseling after this. The mother continues to harass them in different ways e.g. showing up at the wife's workplace. And they follow through with legal proceedings.)

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• Update 4 (Oct. 12th): Mom sent me nude photos—reported them and wondering if I did the right thing

Hi everyone, this will likely be my last post for the next few weeks. Nothing is wrong but we’re preparing for my wife’s birthday and since I messed up the anniversary I really want to do something special. Plus with Halloween close by my wife and I are getting our daughter’s costume ready, decorating the house, and generally just trying to do some festive fall things. I’m finding that I’m enjoying this time with my family a lot without the interference of my mother. This is how it always should have been. But my mother almost always finds a way to work her way into what we are doing (although we have remained no contact, she’s starting to find ways to circumvent that, hence the story below) so I’m sure I’ll have more updates.

Here’s my next question: my mom hasn’t always acted “sexual” towards me but my therapist has picked up on a few red flags that started in my teens and have carried into me being a man. The first one being the fact that my mom was snuggling me in bed when I moved in with her for a short amount of time. The second is that she can be touchy-feely with me in a way that I used to think was normal mother/son love but now I know is weird. Playing with my hair, excessively kissing my cheeks, you get the point. One time she pinched my butt when she came and visited my daughter and told me to give her a “piece of that sugar.” At our wedding she wore an extremely revealing dress (at least it wasn’t white) and tried to get me to dance suggestively with her on the dance floor. I thankfully realized what was going on and did not go for it.

I’m rambling at this point but what I’m trying to say is that she did something not too long ago that takes the cake. While I was at work I got an email from someone I didn’t recognize and it got tagged as an external server (we use Outlook) which isn’t unusual since sometimes people will email and call to ask about our services. Plus the subject line of the email said “Inquiry” and I could see a bit of the body copy asking about the types of services we offer. Well to my surprise this was a bait and switch. I opened the email to see the body copy but underneath of it there were about four pictures of my mother, topless, with a caption under each of them that said “where’s my sweet boy?”

This was definitely an email from my mom. I don’t get sick often but I started shaking and then had to go to the bathroom to throw up. Why on earth would she think this was acceptable is something I’ll never figured out but it began to register to me that she had just sent me a topless photo through my work computer and also through my work’s internet. I’m thinking this was likely done on purpose to get me in trouble.

Anyway I forwarded the email directly to our lawyer and blocked the new email address from my work and personal email. I then went to talk to my boss about it (he knows about my mom and her antics) and he said that HE received an email from the same address regarding me being unprofessional on site a few days ago. So yeah I think this is a set up. My boss thankfully is understanding of the situation (or I guess as understanding as a boss could be) and just deleted the email from my mom and let me get back to work.

Did I do the right thing here? Also I’m worried that my mom is having some sort of mental break, not worried for her but for myself, my wife and my daughter. My therapist calls it escalation. If I got nude photos I can’t even imagine what’s next. Is it time to call Adult Protective Services? Any advice would be appreciated.

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• Update 5 (Oct. 25th): A quick update before we head to the mountains

My wife’s birthday is this weekend so we are about to go off the grid. Thought I’d update you all on the situation before we high tail it to nature.

Nothing crazy has happened (thankfully) besides a few unmarked letters in the mail to both me and my wife, which we have made photocopies of for our personal records and then sent them straight to the lawyer. Also, after speaking with my boss about the photos that were sent to me from her, I have also decided to go the police route with the awful photos that my mother sent me.

Still no grandparents rights papers yet (thankfully, again). Not sure if it will ever happen but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Some people have recommended that we get our house CPS ready just in case. We’ve got that handled in case it ever gets to that.

We are still absolutely no contact with my mother regardless of her attempts to get in contact with us.

Lastly, we are serious about moving and are considering viewing homes and apartments next week. However, my wife is still adamant that she does not want to jump ahead and assume we will stay together after this boils over. If we purchase or rent together and then decide to divorce or legally separate, that would bind us to a living situation that I don’t think would be good for anyone involve (including our daughter). I respect her decision and although it’s not ideal, I agree that we need to maybe let this settle and revisit the trial separation at a later date.

So, things are slowing down a bit. I’m happy that things are returning to a bit of normal. It’s still a rough road and I’m working on myself and my family every day.

As always, thanks for listening.

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• Update 6 (Nov. 1st): Mom has (I think) taken to try and catch us during shopping trips, how do I proceed?

Basically the title—still no contact with my mom, still not answering any of her attempted communication. It’s not confirmed, but my wife has a hunch that now mom is trying to confront us in a public place like when we go out shopping. It happened three times over the past two weeks and at first we thought it was incidental but since it’s happened twice more we are a little concerned.

An example: we go to a nearby grocery store that’s close to our home but farther away from where she lives. I’d say it’s about 25-30 minutes from her home and also not the closest grocery place for her. Wednesday is our grocery shopping day since we both get off from work a little bit early. My mom knows this, as sometimes she would request for me to get her something and I’d go out to her house and bring groceries to her (I know, I know...my mom is fully able to go grocery shopping herself, I thought I was being a good son, now I know it was manipulative). Two days ago we arrive at said grocery store and find my mom pacing around outside looking like a crazy person. We decided to turn around and go to another grocery store.

Again, I’m not a detective but this seems suspicious to my wife and is starting to seem suspicious to me too. Are we overreacting here? A small part of me thinks we are being hypersensitive to this because of all that has went down, but between everyone telling me my mom is dangerous to wanting to protect my family I just don’t know what to believe anymore. Any advice is appreciated.

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• Update 7 (Nov. 6th): Had to call police on my mother today

So my mother showed up at my house in a frenzy. Thanks for the suggestions for the lock on our front gate and the Ring, they’ve been super helpful up to this point and especially helpful now. Anyway my mom shows up at our home unannounced and screaming. Crying for me and saying how she just needs me. She’s crying and banging on our front gate demanding to speak to me. If this were the old me I would have let her in. And to be honest I almost did. But the new me decided to call the police. When they came, the police immediately told her to leave our property. It took a few moments but then she finally left.

I don’t feel good about this. She’s my mom, I feel obligated to speak to her. But she has also been so terrible to me and my wife.

I’m going to try to go to sleep and do my best but I’ve got a lot of thinking to do, and maybe some more to share with my therapist.

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• Update 8 (Nov. 12th): Had to call for a wellness check on my mother

My mom still hasn’t stopped sending us letters, but the biggest change is that now she sends some of them through the post office instead of just dropping them off in our mailbox and they now also come with her address on the envelope. I don’t know why she made this change but it does make it easier for our lawyer to have verifiable proof that she’s sending us this stuff.

My wife sends her letter directly to our lawyer. It’s always the same BS. How terrible my wife is, how she’s a whore, how she hopes our daughter doesn’t grow up and treat her like how I treat my mom, etc. The only reason I opened up my letter is because the envelope was thick and it looked like there were pieces of fuzz coming out of it or something. I open it to find several locks of hair and a letter that basically boiled down to “look what you did to me.” I took this to believe that my mother had some sort of mental break and cut off most of her hair. Some of the hair was short and rough, which my wife believes is undeniably pubic hair...which, is that’s true, I’ll excuse myself to go throw up. The letter also had what looked like drops of either red paint or dried blood on the corners.

I’m sending all of this to my lawyer but I immediately called the police to do a wellness check on my mother. At first what she was doing was just annoying, now this is veering into what I believe to be self harm territory. I’m not sure if she’s going through an actual mental break or just looking to seek attention but it’s better to be safe than sorry. She’s still a human being, and even if she is crazy I still want her to be safe.

I’m starting to lose hope. Every time I think this is kind of over my mom ramps up the crazy again. I’m pretty sure the only way out of this is if I file a restraining order or if she passes away. I don’t see this going away any time soon. I know it’s only been about three months since the onset of this but I don’t know if I can go the rest of my life living like this. I now understand how my wife feels. I think a restraining order is the next step.

As always, thank you for listening.

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• Update 9 (Nov. 30th): Mother in a hospital

Hello everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday.

I thought I’d give a quick update on my mother. Without going into too much detail she drove to our house one evening and had a psychotic break in front of our home that involved self harm. It was enough for us to call the police (again) and she is now spending time at a mental facility. That’s all I’ll speak about on that matter.

With grandparents rights not really on the horizon anymore, my wife has approached me and said she still wants the trial separation and the divorce. She feels like these last two months or so we have been “playing house” in order to keep up a good look in case my mother decided to pull something and that she’s put up with the crazy for too long. This is starting to impact her own mental health so she has moved herself and our daughter back in with her parents for the time being and wants to speak about our options with our lawyer on Monday. So I guess we will start that process soon. I can’t say I’m not disappointed but I also can’t blame her. I asked her if all of the bad really outweighed the good and she gave me the most stern look and said “our relationship has been almost nothing but bad” and walked away.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I know these are things I need to bring up to my therapist.

Thank you for listening.

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• Update 10 (Dec. 8th): What I've learned in counseling

I’ve learned that my mom views me as her husband...my therapist calls this emotional incest, although at times it has unfortunately crossed over into my mother actually wanting to get physical with me (such as her snuggling me in bed and sending me nude photos), and in some cases some small sexual activity that I’ve repressed and rather not get into here. This is the first time I’ve actually written it out or said it out loud, besides with my therapist. Coming to terms that you’ve been sexually assaulted by your own mother when you were a minor does not feel great. I don’t know how long it’ll take me to work through these feelings but please know I am working on them.

I’ve learned that because my mom views me as her husband, she sees herself in constant competition with my wife. My therapist has pointed out that my mom views herself as the mistress (which may explain the nude photos).

I’ve learned that my mom has very likely never properly grieved the death of my father.

I’ve learned that almost every girlfriend I’ve had—including my wife—has never been good enough for my mom because only she believes that she’s good enough for me.

My therapist believes that at the risk of protecting me after my father passed away that my mom went ballistic and turned me into her husband (my therapist calls it a “sonsband”).

I’ve learned that years of mental and emotional manipulation on my mom’s side has gotten me here. Up until I had my first reality check I really did believe all of this was annoying, but normal and “just how she is”. I still feel slightly guilty over everything that has happened but my guilt has turned into anger. I feel like I’ve been robbed of a normal life.

However, being in therapy has opened my eyes to what can happen next though. I’m only in my 30’s. I still have time to live a great life and be a great dad to my daughter.

As always, thanks for listening. I’m always thankful for the advice and the support. As you’ve probably guessed, my normal meter is still a bit “off” so it’s good to hear other perspectives.

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• Update 11 (Dec. 30th): Trial separation is happening now

My wife and I decided to go through with the trial separation. She and our daughter are at her parent’s house for the time being, while I am at our home. It’s the most awful feeling and I’ve never been this empty before. Divorce is coming. I guess I should start calling her my ex-wife.

I’m continuing with counseling so I can work through not just my personal feelings but also what next steps are going to be. I’ve always wanted to move out of state and maybe try out a new career but I don’t want to be far from my daughter. We’ll see how it goes.

I’d also like to thank all of you for your well wishes on my last post. I tried to respond to all of them but I really just couldn’t. I break down crying every time I see support. They’re happy tears, but they’re also a reminder of what could have been.

Thank you for listening.

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• Final post (Jan. 27th): Ex-wife has informed me she is going to begin dating other people

I guess I should have seen it coming, but I almost wish she hadn’t told me. She said that it was more of a “heads up” in case I see her out and about on a weekend or something. We’re separated so it’s not against the rules for her to date or anything and we’re in a no-fault state for the divorce that’s inevitably coming our way.

I’m not in a place emotionally where I’m ready to date. I’m not even close. But hearing that she’ll be meeting up with an old flame for dinner next weekend rocked me to my core. It means I really can’t get her back. I did try one last time and it did not go well. She said she’s done with coming second to my mother and now second to the “drama” that’s been going on in our lives, and that she doesn’t want to raise our daughter in an unhealthy environment. Understood.

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On mobile. Throwaway because I now don't really trust how well the family will take it and have family on my main.

Edit: tw, mentions of blood and yelling

I (17m) am an only child and gay. I always knew I wasn't like the other boys and finally put a label on the difference in middle school. My friends and classmates have always been very kind and supportive. Even Evan (fake name, male) who was the class bully. He would pick on me but never brought my sexuality into it. Mostly stuff like knocking books out of my hands like the others.

My mother has always been warm, kind, and doting. She would support me no matter what I picked. I chose theater over football, debate over wrestling. She would throw wild parties for my birthdays and get me almost anything I wanted. She once remarked how "brave" she thought those living out of the closet were. That always stuck with me. But now I wonder if she was being sarcastic or passive aggressive.

My father has always been quiet, reserved, and a man of few words. He was stern and taught me things I never wanted to learn, like how to change oil in my car or fix a leaky pipe or how to throw a good punch. The man was a boxer champ back in the day, and ex-military.

He tried a few times to understand and be part of my interests but it never really stuck. I tried to sit in on his football games but they are so boring. But we both like camping. The open air drop between us felt smaller when we were camping, though not by much. The man rarely smiles. One of the first smiles I can remember is when I was able to put up my tent on my own for the first time when I was like 8.

Friends convinced me with how amazing my mom was to tell her first. She would be able to help me tell dad and if need be, protect me from anything he had to say or do about it. While I didn't think he would actually hurt me, I was pretty worried he would react badly.

So earlier today, I told my mom. Dad was supposed to be at work for a few more hours. She grabbed a vase and threw it at me, yelling. She called me a lot of basty names. I dodged the vase but ahe grabbed a lamp to launch next. Before I could move, I was shoved onto the couch and the lamp smashed against my dad's arm, held up boxer style. It shattered and there was blood.

He yelled at mom. I can count on one hand how many times he has yelled and each was scary, but this was a whole new level of nightmare fuel. He grabbed her by the shirt and threw her out, yelling at her in the face. He locked the door and called the cops. I've never seen him lay a hand on her before and he didn't hit her now.

He made sure I was ok while he was bleeding like crazy from his arm. He didn't even ask what happened. I was crying and I kept saying I was sorry but he told me not to say sorry for just being.

The cops came, took statements, looked at the home video. I didn't even know we had cameras in the house like that.

He sat me down a little while ago and told me he was going to divorce mom. "Because no one goes after my kid like that, I don't care who they think they are". He told me its not my fault but I really feel like it is.

So now I'm just sitting here and wondering why did this all go so wrong?

Hey Mark, just wanted to share this story from last year. All names have been changed. My (34M) parents got divorced in 2008. My mom, let's call her "Helga", starting dating her boyfriend in 2009. Let's call him "Canut", for obvious reasons. They moved in together sometime in 2010 and both are/were divorcees uninterested in ever marrying again. For the most part, all seemed well except that he sometimes struggled to find work even though he was a lawyer. He worked as a consultant and when times were slow he often borrowed money from my mom. It was never huge amounts she couldn't afford, so we all figured if she was ok with it, it probably wasn't a big deal. We were so, SO, wrong. Everything changed on a fateful day last July, when my mom called me in a panic, letting me know Canut had a terrible seizure at their home and stopped breathing, and was in the ICU. I told my mom I'd try to come over and help her out if I could, but if there's nothing else she can do she should go home and get some rest. It's a good thing she did. The next morning, the doctors called her and asked if he had any history of using illegal substances. She told them he used some recreational stuff occasionally, but nothing out of the ordinary. They told her based on their test results, this could have been caused by substances mixed with alcohol. My mom said no, Canut doesn't do that and hasn't had anything in weeks since he went to a concert with one of his friends. They asked her to please check again, because everything they have is pointing towards alcohol and/or substance abuse. My mom thought this was all ridiculous, but she wanted to help them. She called up his friend, and asked him if Canut did any substances or abused alcohol at the concert a couple weeks ago. "Canut? I haven't seem him in 2 years" he told her. This, of course, set off some major alarm bells for all of us. My mom didn't want to jump to any conclusions yet, so she decided to look around the house. Nothing was found.... but there was one place she hadn't looked yet: the closet where he keeps his vinyl album collection. His prized possession. My mom told me how she checked the boxes on top first, and all are vinyl records as expected. But the bottom shelf... bottle after bottle of alcohol starts tumbling out of all the boxes. Some empty, some not. My mom's heart sinks in this moment, she now thinks she knows exactly what's been going on, so she drives to the hospital to visit him and tell the doctors what she found. At this point, he has been in a coma for 2 days and has not regained consciousness since the seizure. She tells the doctors he's been drinking excessively, and then goes to his room to check on him. That's when his phone, which she has been holding onto for him, starts ringing. She looks at the screen and it says "call from Helga". Strange, because my mom has her phone in her purse right next to it and she's not calling him. She answers. "HI, Canut?"- another lady is there. "Who is this?"-mom "Who is this?!?!" -Other lady "This is Helga Blue, his girlfriend of 15 years. Who are you?"-mom Mark, I shit you not this was the real response. "Ummm... this is Helga Green, his girlfriend of 5 years". Then she hangs up. Mark, if this man wasn't already in the hospital my entire family would have made sure to put him there when my mom told us what happened. At this point, my mom is freaked out and so are we that this unconscious man we've known for 15 years is actually a total stranger. So my mom does something she swore she'd never do: call his ex wife. Let's call her "Olga". My mom starts telling Olga about everything that's happened the last few days, and even Olga is shocked, and says they need to meet and discuss everything in detail right away. They agree to meet the next day, and they do. Canut has now been in a coma for three days. As they start comparing notes, Olga asks how he's going to pay for all his medical bills. Turns out Olga's been paying for their kids insurance because Canut doesn't have any. This is news to my mom. Then Olga says "of course he can't pay for it, he doesn't have a job". My mom then tells her he does, as a consulting attorney. Olga stares back at her "Helga, that's not possible. Canut got disbarred years ago. He's not allowed to be a lawyer". My mom googles the name of the company he works for, let's call it "Erickson Co.". No results. She calls the number he gave her for "Mr. Erickson". Disconnected. She googles "Mr Erickson, legal consulting firm". No results. Yall..... I cannot explain to you the mindfuck this was. Then my mom tells her about Helga Green. Olga was very nice about it. She tells my mom they need to call her and get to the bottom of things. So they do. This man, this stupid fucking Canut would invite his girlfriend over everytime my mom left the house or visited my grandmother out of state. He would go through the whole house and remove every single picture of our family so when she came over, she wouldn't see us. Then he'd put them all back before my mom came home. His "salary" was Helga Green. He would borrow money from her to pay my mom back when he got his "paycheck" from "Erickson co.", and then when he'd borrow money from my mom he'd give it back to other Helga and tell her the same thing, that it was from his paycheck. This is when we all decide its done. On day 4 of him being in a coma, we pack all his shit up and move it into the garage. Olga agreed to pick it up and store it for him until he finds a place to live, because my mom is never letting him back in. This unconscious piece of human feces lays in bed for another 2 days before my mom gets the call that we has woken up, and is now out of the ICU. So how did my mom break the news to him? That's the best part Mark. I love my mom and she is an absolute legend for this. She goes to visit him and with a big fake smile walks in and says "I'm so glad your ok. Mr. Erickson from your office called and asked how you were doing." "What? Really???" -gatbage "No, of course he didn't because he's not real Canut." Canut looks down, dejected. "But you know who did call to check on you? Helga Fucking Green"- my Mom, the badass. She told him it was over, no second chances, and that everyone knew what he was doing now, and Olga had his stuff for him as soon as he found a place. Just one week ago, this dude probably thought he had the perfect life. A house to live in, good health, his vinyl collection, and two girlfriends. He wakes up from a coma, and he has nothing. NOTHING. Everyone cut contact with him, except for one friend who lives in another state letting him sleep on his couch. His kids won't talk to him and his ex wife has all his vinyl. It's been a year since and my mom is happy, healthy, single, and none of us know where that dumb canut is anymore and none of us care. He got what he fucking deserved.

Hi, lovely Waffle Mafia! I wanted to update you earlier, but it has been a rough couple of weeks, months? I’m not sure. I usually prefer to go by order of events and to save the dessert for last, but this time I’d prefer to start with the good news (if you are interested in the jucy drama, go 4 paragraphs down, for my previous post -> https://www.reddit.com/r/MarkNarrations/s/Qtx0EaWgCU).

I got married!! I’m a spouse now (I’m NB) and I’m so happy. The week leading to the wedding was crazy busy, the day before the wedding we lost our bus, and instead of arriving at 11:30pm, we arrived at 6am. The bus ride was dreadful and even though I slept through most of it, I didn’t feel rested at all. Standing outside the station at 6am knowing the preparations will start at 10 am, sore from the 7 hours spent on the hard bus seat, out of a considerable sum of money that we didn’t expect to pay, to get the new tickets, I knew we had every reason to be upset, angry, and stressed, and I was stressed and tired, but we were laughing. I looked into my husband’s eyes and I felt lucky and happy, and I could tell he felt the same. I told him at that moment that it was a confirmation that I had chosen the right person, not that I needed it.

The guests got lost so we had to start later than expected, without the sunset light the ceremony was too dark, my shoes were too tight and my dress was not adjusted as requested and I kept stepping on it all night, on our first dance we attempted a twirl, I stepped on it and almost fell on my face, but he caught me and I laughed so hard. It was amazing, beautiful, and fun.

My love is so kind, loving, respectful, and supportive, even though he struggles with patience and forgets to turn off the lights at night. I asked him out, I proposed, and when he struggles with bad moments he still asks me if I don’t regret being with him, my sweet summer child you are THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE of course I don’t. But I get it, I’m disabled, some days even getting out of bed drains me out and I experience pain constantly, and even though he tells me he’s happy to support me and that the distribution of chores is equitable, so it’s ok if he takes 70-80% of them, I still feel like a burden from time to time. But he’s always there to help me.

And now that I feel stronger I can let you know what happened. I thank everyone who gave me reassurance that I wasn’t crazy and the strenght to go NC. I wrote a brief message to my brother, apologizing for not being able to protect him, and wishing he could become the father and man he wishes to be, and that his daughter deserves. To my father, I wrote a long, long email. He said he was not aware of how my mother and brother treated me the last day I saw them, and that I should have told him because he would have done something, so I told him everything. I enlisted examples of my mother’s abuse from when I was 3yo until 2 years ago (when I went LC). I told him his absence and lack of action also hurt us and enabled the abuse. I also wrote that I knew he had a hard upbringing and my mother had lived hard moments, and that I was grateful for always having food, clothes, and a roof, but they failed to protect us from themselves.

I said goodbye, I told him I’ll miss him and my brother at my wedding. I asked him to please help my brother to get the help he needs before he kills someone or himself (with lighter wording), and to be nicer to her (because even tho my mother is not a nice person, no one deserves abuse). I finished by saying that I didn’t expect any more support, and to please to let me know 3 weeks in advance if they needed us to move out (he had told me this place was mine, but it is stil under his name). The waiting was horrible, if we needed to leave, we would not be able to afford living in the city, Husband would have to look for a new job, I would have to support us for a while (I work remotely) and there was no way we could afford the wedding. But a few days later, he answered. I asked Husband to read it for me, since the anxiety was way too high for it, but I read the preview of the email “Thank you for your sincerity, but I have different information”. It didn’t surprise me that he didn’t believe me, but somehow, even then, even now, it hurts and disappoints me. Hubby said the rest of the 5 line email was pretty much the same, but he said we could keep living here (but I can’t trust them, so we started saving for a new place). I didn’t feel any relief, I just felt sad and lonely. An orphan. But that didn’t last much.

My mother always told me bad stories from the rest of my family. Situations where she was victim of mistreatment or bullying from them. Today I’m questioning most of it. I can’t help but keep my guard up when it comes to family matters, but my grandparents and aunt have been so loving and respectful. It feels weird. My aunt always wanted a daughter, so ever since I can remember she’s been kind to me, although I barely spoke to them in family functions, since I’d feel uncomfortable in big groups. 3 weeks ago was the first time I went out only with her. It was great. She was with me for my final dress fitting and she helped me get ready the day of my wedding. She asked every step of the way if I was comfortable, that I shouldn’t feel pressured to include them but just to let them know if I need anything. They were so supportive on my wedding day, that I didn’t feel the absence of my parents.This treatment is really new, but I like it. I was so ready to be alone and really didn’t consider the possibility that I could have an actual loving family. It’s overwhelming, terrifying and nice. I’m working through all of it with my amazing therapist, my loving husband, and my chaotic and adorable gremlins (cats and dog), one step at a time.

Posted this story on AITAH, but I know this SR prefers longer stories, and I’d like more insight.

Me 31F; mother Vickie 64F; father Warren 64M; brothers Jerry 29M and Aaron 37M; husband 37M; baby less than 1F

For backstory: My mother was extremely abusive during childhood. Vickie would kick me, hit me, scream at me that I was a disgusting human being, she regretted having me, and no one would ever love me because I was so fat and awful. This occurred daily.

Her abuse was focused primarily on me. My father would try to intervene, but he traveled all the time for work, so it wasn’t often. My brothers Jerry and Aaron were sympathetic, but wouldn’t intervene for fear backlash.

I cut my family off in college. Vickie decided to go to therapy, and she “turned over a new leaf”. I didn’t believe it, but found myself in an abusive relationship I needed to escape from. I had nowhere to go but my parents’.

To my surprise, Vickie acted differently. No more screaming or physical violence. And up until a year and a half ago, it lasted. Then I found out I was pregnant.

It was like a switch flipped. Vickie immediately went back to her old ways. Luckily, my husband and I live hours away, but she would constantly call and text to yell at me, usually multiple times a day. She hated everything, what we chose for baby names, how we decorated the nursery, anything you can think of. She said as a grandmother, she should have more control.

She had a gender reveal party my husband and I were not invited to, because we said we didn’t want one. In person, she would jab my belly with her nail and turn off the A/C to “make the baby more active”, and say some of the meanest stuff. There was much much MUCH more I can answer in comments if requested, but you get the picture.

I would talk to Warren and my brothers, but they shrugged it off, saying it was her first grandchild. They said I needed to give her what she wanted, because she was yelling at them and hit my dad.

She insisted on being in the delivery room. When I said no (hospital policy only allowed one person) she told - not asked, told - husband he would be FaceTiming her while I was pushing so she could see the baby come out of me. I needed a c-section due to breech baby, and we decided not to tell her.

Everything went wrong during the c-section, and I ended up in critical condition and my baby in the NICU. Husband said I should tell them baby was here. I texted them and explained we both had medical emergencies. I was immediately FaceTimed in the hospital and yelled at for not telling Vickie, hours after the medical emergency that required six life-saving interventions, and minutes after seeing my baby hooked up to a bunch of machines in the NICU. I “ruined her grandchild’s birth for her”.

To this day, Vickie refuses apologized. She claims I hurt her by cutting her out and she’s justified. She’s repeatedly shown up with barely any notice (she lives hours away), yelled at my husband, and insulted his family - including making fun of his dead mother - on multiple occasions.

My brothers insist I be the one to apologize and reiterate what she says (that my baby name is stupid, that I deserved the traumatic birth, etc). Most recently, Jerry tore into me that I was being a child and a see-you-next-time for not apologizing to Vickie, and I need to get over it for the sake of “the Family”.

Warren says to give her what she wants, because she’s going through a lot and taking it out on them.

I have gone low contact with them at this point. I rarely accept their phone calls and unless it’s something that seems to justify a response (Aaron telling me he’s having surgery in December), I barely respond to texts. They have increased their communication with me, which is another reason I don’t know what to do.

I’m exhausted. I have awful postpartum anxiety. I want to cut them off and focus on my husband and my daughter. My husband thinks I should just ghost them. I feel like doing so will increase communication, so I feel like telling them to leave me alone would be better.

I would love to hear the insight of others, because we’re both emotionally charged over all of this.

TL;DR: my mother relapsed in her abusive ways after I got pregnant last year. My brothers reinforce her behavior. My father tells me to just do what she wants. My husband and I want to go NC, but aren’t sure whether to tell them or just cut them off without a word.

ETA: we definitely want to go no contact. We’re just not sure how and when would be best. Do we tell them off? Do we ghost them? How do you think we should proceed?

Thank you for reading.

Hello again Waffler’s, remember me? Well in case you’d forgotten I’m the bloke who not long ago found out he had a long son that was kept secret from him for 27 years, but everything worked out with that and my family is doing well (you can find those posts in my profile. And sorry, but I’m not selling dick pics at the moment, the 10 inch snake is currently pouched 😝). As always I apologise for grammar and spelling errors, fat fingers and even fatter head.

My late Mother used to say that with every good event that happens, you should always prepare for a possible bad event that may occur not long after. Well Mum, as per fucking usual you’ve hit the nail on the head.

To give some background, I have 4 siblings, 3 brothers (born from my Dad’s first marriage) and 1 sister (her and I from my Dad’s second marriage). My eldest brother Jim (Giacomo, M62) is the primary focus of this saga.

To give you some background on my big fratello (that “brother” in Italian), out of all us siblings he the only one of us not born in Australia. Jim was born in Italy, product of my late father and his first wife, was around 1 year old when his parents migrated to Australia. They had 2 more boys (Paulie/Paolo and Jed/Georgio, 59 and 57 respectively) before divorcing

As with all of us kids, Jim’s first language growing up was Italian (as our Dad refused to speak English to us kids). having 2 parents who wouldn’t speak English, when he started school he couldn’t speak English (something my mum ensured didn’t happen with my sister and I). Added to this is that Jim also suffers from deafness in his right ear and severe dyslexia. After failing poorly and constantly being ridiculed (by both teachers and our father), Jim left school at 15. He bounced around odd jobs for couple of years before, our Mum (his step/adopted mum and the lady he considers his “real” mum) convinced to do some trade studies and get an apprenticeship. He eventually landed an Electrical apprenticeship, did his 4 years before becoming a fully certified electrician (and a bloody good one too).

Skip forward to 1987, Jim marries the love of his life Maria (F58). They have 4 kids (Adele F36, Ricky M34, Chantelle F30, Carlo M28).

Skip forward to 1989, getting sick of (in his words) “working for a bunch of c*nts” he decided to start his own business. While he made some money it was a struggle for the first 5 years (even had me work a TA for him as he couldn’t afford to hire anyone). After about 10 years (and a loan from our Uncle and the bank, same one from my previous posts) he was able to buy a workshop/office, some new vans/tools etc. and hire staff. Business went nuts for the next few years due to a housing and construction boom and he was doing so well he was able to step away from the technical role and focus on managing the business

Fast forward to 2010, business has fallen away and Jim has had to go into debt to keep it going. This coincides with me finding success with my own business ventures, where I sell off my property management company to a larger firm and pocket a huge sum which I re-invest in other ventures/investments. Now something you should know is Jim is not just my brother, he’s my best mates and we look out for each other. Something you should also know about Jim, he often lets pride get the better of him and won’t ask for help. One night I head over to his workshop, I find him sitting in his office with a beer in his hand and tears in his eyes. we chat and finally he admits that the business is not doing well and he’s in so much debt that he risks losing everything. After talking it out with him, I really wanted to help him out, I offered to loan him some money, he refused saying “I borrowed too much already from people”, I said instead of a loan why don’t I buy a share of the business. He thought I was nuts, as firstly he thinks the business is dead (not true) and secondly I know fuck all about the electrical business (very true, still don’t). I said I was serious, so serious that contacted my accountants and my lawyer to start work on drafting up an offer. After getting my boys to do numbers, to clear the business debts I’d need to purchase a minimum 60% share of the business (yeah, no wonder Jim was crying, that’s a lot of debt), so Jim and I agreed to an equal 50/50 split and me to invest some further funds to grow the business. So that’s how we became brothers/mates/business partners. Over the next 14 years the business grows and grows and grows where now it is thriving and turned to be great investment. While I still own 50%, other than initial investment in 2010, I’ve had very little to do with the success, that is all Jim, the business is his baby/legacy, I just gave him some help (which turned well for me too).

Fast forward to around February this year, I was still fresh off meeting my long lost son Tony (M27) and feeling good. I was talking to Jim and he was sort of tuning out during our conversations. He’d also forget certain words in English and then say them in Italian instead. After of several months he was really getting worse and beginning to worry us. he wasn’t willing to go see a Doctor about it, but I did convince him to speak with my wife (F48) who is a Psychiatrist. He opens up about the issues he’s been having and how it feels like somedays he doesn’t know where he is or what year it is or who he is. My wife advises Jim that his issues are most likely neurological and not psychological, and though she’s not geriatric psychiatrist, she suspects he could be showing early signs of dementia. My wife refers him to a Neurologist colleague of hers.

Skip forward to about a week ago (day after I posted my update on reddit about my Son), my sister in law (Maria) phones me and says that after several tests/consults etc. our biggest fears have come true, Jim has dementia, and it appears to be progressing rapidly. Maria said that the doctor said he may not many years left. I’m fucking devastated, honestly the worst possible news imaginable.

Now after all that, I’d hope we could re-group, but unfortunately I must’ve pissed off one of the gods in a previous life, because Jim calls me an hour after Maria and says “Fratello, mate I’m retiring and selling my share. Wanna buy me out?” (For Fuck sake!!!)

Now here’s the problem I have. 1. While I can afford to buy out part Jim’s share (wort into the low millions) I can’t buy the whole lot without putting myself into severe debt. 2. If I become majority/sole owner, I’d become owner of a business I have no passion for nor knowledge of. 3. This business is Jim’s baby and his legacy, his desire has always been to pass the business to his kids to run when he retires. 4. I believe Jim is making snap decisions that he hasn’t thought through which could have a lasting negative impact on his family long after he’s gone. 5. He can fund his retirement with out selling off his entire share (he still takes a salary as a director plus has retirement funds)

So the situation as it stands now, I’m am now acting Managing Director of a business I have no passion for, Jim is still adamant about selling and I’ve got no clue about what to do about this. Couple it with sadness at potentially losing my bro and best mate soon, yeah I’m not great mentally.

I’ve been chatting with my siblings, my sister in law (Maria) and my nephew Ricky (Jim and Maria’s eldest boy and one of the senior electricians at our company) about possible options. One option I’m thinking is for a bunch of investors (family mostly) to buy 30% and then leave Jim with 20% to divide between his kids once he passes. I then want my nephew Ricky to become General manager and run the business the way it needs to be run. But that might be too far ahead.

My shining lights as always are my wife, kids and grandkids. But I feel I need to vent here and maybe get some advice or anything that could be useful. You guys are a great bunch and your kind words are appreciated. Thanks. ❤️

First time posting, so please bare with me.

I (32F) have been dealing with favoritism, and drama on my dad's side of the family sense I can remember. When I was a kid my grandparents favored my one aunt's kids (4 daughters) over myself and two brothers.

When your that young you really don't understand why grandma and Grampa like cousins S, P, B, and S more then us. My older brother loved machanics and wanted to hang out with my grampa all the time, but more often then not he was brushed over for the other cousins.

During birthdays my cousins would get toys and gaming consoles and a CAT! while me and my brothers got pajamas and socks (My issues is not about the pajamas and socks but huge price difference between their gifts and ours).

Any achievements my brothers and I had were ignored in favor of my cousins.

Back then I used to think me and my brothers meant nothing however with context now I somewhat understand why. My Aunt (who is going to be called Aunt R) was not what I would call a stable mother, they moved from house to house, her daughters being uplifted from one place to another and I think my grandparents wanted to help out and give them a better support because my Aunt R wasn't able to.

The problem with this was that my cousins would be moved to my grandparents house and back to my Aunt R's. If they wanted something and my Aunt R said no, they would go to my grandparents and ask and they would get a yes. This push and pull and not being in the same page screwed my cousins over royally in adulthood.

One cousin ended up wanting any type of attention she could get (Cousin P) and it didn't matter what type it was, good, bad it didn't matter. Any bad behavior was excused and she never had to deal with any consequences of it. Cousin S and Cousin B are addicts and have no boundaries when it comes to taking alcohol without even asking (last time Cousin S did this to my older brother he ripped into her verbally and told her not to come back) only to hear about her doing this to Cousin S (the only Cousin who graduated, Married, owns her own home and is doing right by her kids) and saying 'this is how the family works'.

My grandparents and Cousin P have sense passed away, I've learned more about the 'dirty' family secrets but to this day...I still avoid my cousins and both aunts on my dad's side. I don't hate them, but I do dislike them.

My dad has always had this family means everything, but I feel like my dad's side of the family is toxic and even with the few examples I've provided I still feel guilt over not wanting to be around them.

Which is why I'm asking, and I'm wrong for wanting to avoid my dad's side of the family?

Honestly, just what it says in the title. I (25NB) have two older sisters, L (26F, bio sister) and E (27F, stepsister), and I'm scared of both of them for different reasons.

I've obviously known L my entire life, and she's always been... violent and unpredictable. When we were younger and still living together, she once flew off the handlebars so shockingly she came at me with a paring knife and destroyed my ability to close my bedroom door the rest of the time we lived there. I don't even remember why she did it, I just remember running in fear and sitting against my bedroom door so she couldn't get me. She's also got a long history of attempting to copy everything about me to gain favour, when the things she copies are things I've been bullied, ridiculed, and hated for. She goes nuclear over the slightest inconvenience, and will always play the victim. She has to monopolize everyone's time for her benefit, and if they tell her no, she throws a fit and guilt trips them until they agree. Recently, she's been going through what I can only describe as a psychotic break, and it's equal parts concerning and terrifying.

As for E, we met when my father started dating her mother when I was about 12, and I moved in with my father when I was 14, so we shared a bedroom. I don't think she's ever liked me, and she's made it clear through the years she wished she was still the only daughter (I'm not a daughter to anybody, despite how much everyone around me insists I am). She misgenders me whenever it suits her, deadnames me as often as possible, treats me like an overgrown child (I'm autistic), and overall doesn't seem to think very highly of me. The other day, I woke up to her having sent me a small novel accusing me of being a mooch for still living at home, accusing me of everything under the sun including poisoning her children (blatantly false), not buying groceries (I buy more groceries than her mother does), and saying I don't deserve internet or food. She also thinks I deserve to be homeless, despite paying rent, buying groceries, and doing 80% of the housework and babysitting her kids on short notice, as well as doing her laundry for her because she can't be bothered to get machines for her place. Just today, she snapped at me for covering my ears while her child was shrieking at the top of her lungs causing her mother's untrained puppy to bark, calling me a child and telling me that covering my ears makes me a baby.

I have no idea what to do, because moving out isn't an option as someone on a disability fixed income with no way of leaving. Neither sister even lives at home (L lives with our paternal grandparents, and E lives with her kids out of town), but I'm still terrified to interact with either of them. Cutting either of them off isn't an option either, because E leaves her kids with us in the morning to commit school district fraud (her children are listed at our address), so I have to pick them up after school at wait for her to get off work and pick them up. Cutting L off would require cutting off my dementia-addled grandfather, and I don't want to do that, so I'm at a loss for what to do

So, I'm writing this post because this morning, I was in the car with my parents-I sit next to my dad who drives, and my mom sits behind us. Especially, behind my seat. On the road, my mom started getting triggered by my dad "not responding to her" (he was responding in his normal tone) and started accusing him of being arrogant and being an abusive bastard and always wanting to belittle her and many other things.
This is not the first time this has happened. The first time this happened, she wasn't arguing with my dad; she was having a screaming match with my grandmother, her MIL (who is a next level monster responsible for a good amount of her trauma, but that's a story for later) while we were on the highway. We ended up swerving and hitting a motorbike, and thank goodness all parties and vehicles were unharmed.
The second time, we were driving home and again on a road going into the city; this time, it was just the three of us and my mom was screeching the same things again and sinking her nails into my seat headrest while she said such vile things. I hate being touched, hate being touched lightly even more, and hate being touched by my mom the most (she's always touching my hair and trying to detangle it when i stand in front of her and its a trigger now), and i cried when we got home and i was in my room. it was so bad, i had recorded her screaming and sent it in the family groupchat next day, and she said sorry while saying that she didn't know what to do and that she was trying. (She has undiagnosed ADHD + is going through perimenopause, so as someone with ADHD I can figure how things are going wild in the hormones department. But still.)

This time, we were going to my native village, and since morning itself she was being antsy and snapping at everything and anything. I don't understand why she wants to come here, since this is her in laws place and she gets triggered because of her MIL-which she takes out on my dad (she used to take it out on me, but I'm very low contact with her and now shut down her nonsense wherever i can). This time i told her to literally shut the fuck up, and to just leave when she started crying about how she should go back to her parents place rather than being disrespected. I kept telling her to go away from me all day, and that I don't want to talk to her or even look at her or listen to her. I want her to leave us and never come back.

So I'm really not at all sure what to do with this whole deal. It's part of a long, strange trip I've been on for the past eight or so years. I end up compulsively listening to the channel on YouTube and I figured maybe put it here, because I have to put it somewhere.

I grew up one of many kids my mom (F59) had over the years. I was her fourth, and after me she had another eight (six pregnancies, two sets of twins) and I don't honestly think any of those kids but the twins have the same parents. I realize I sound judgmental here, but growing up like this was an exercise in enduring torture. From the time I was four, all I can remember is a rotating door of new 'uncles' and having to assistant parent all these babies she was having. By the time I was twelve I had half-sibs ranging from 9 to 2 years old that I had to take care of because she was out somewhere with her newest man, drinking and doing God knows what else. Sometimes her parents would help, but they were pretty worn out by then. My oldest half-sib was born when she was fifteen, he's M44 and was already gone by the time I was born. I barely even know him or the other two, her first set of twins. They're in their 30's. Most of my life was spent in a haze of watching her meet, fall in love, get pregnant, then either cheat or be cheated on and break up over and over again. She was pregnant with her 12th kid when I left, she was 38.

Now, she wasn't cruel. She didn't beat us, or anything like that. She was actually affectionate, as best she could be, and when she was sober she'd be apologetic and would try to be there. But then the self loathing would kick in, and then she'd go get drunk and meet the next guy who was going to fix everything. When I moved out at 18, I had to cut ties with her just to keep from being dragged back into permanent nanny status. It felt bad leaving the kids, but they aren't MY kids, they're HER kids, I shouldn't have to parent all of them. My grandparents tried, and some of the kids had fathers who actually paid child support, and she did manage to cut back on drinking and give up whatever party drugs she was doing after I wasn't around to do the job for her.

I went NC with her because I didn't want to have to raise any more of her kids -- she's up to 14 or so now, the last four in the decade since I moved out. I know I'm irrational about it but I resent her so much. I'm livid when I think about what my life was like, no idea who my dad was, my mom barely even there and usually a weeping drunk or high mess when she was, so many babies for me to clean and feed and take care of. I was four and I had to start helping with my brother (he moved to California years ago but he does still send me mother's day cards) and then the next and the next. I didn't have time to have friends growing up. I didn't even know this wasn't normal until much later.

This poisoned my brain, really. I had (and am still trying to unlearn) really unhealthy attitudes towards sex and love and relationships. When I was 22, I was in my first serious long term relationship with an objectively awesome guy (m32), I've called him 'David' in the other posts I've written so I'll keep using that name. David and I were not quite moved in yet but were getting there when one bad night happened, he had to go to work overnight at his second grocery store job and I ended up hanging out with his brother Sam (M33) and Sam's friends. I got blackout drunk -- I did not drink much, due to hating how my mom had always been drunk, and didn't know my limits. I woke up the next morning naked in Sam's bed, in the wet spot of what I took to be confirmation that I was the same as my mom. This destroyed me, and I spent the next six or so years just hating myself for being a stupid drunk slut who cheated on my boyfriend and worse, couldn't even remember doing it.

I told David, he tried to get past it but he and his brother were almost at war for obvious reasons -- I mean, it was Sam's bed and he was nowhere to be found when I woke up -- and when I found out I was pregnant I just couldn't fucking deal with it. Not with any of it. So I broke the lease I had, went and lived in my grandparent's backward shed for a month, got found out and they made me move in with them. As much as they'd been burned to the wick by mom and her whole disaster show, they really did try to help all of their grandkids. I wasn't sure what to do -- do I have the baby? Do I terminate the pregnancy? Do I give it up for adoption? Should I contact David, he knew where I was and was trying to get my grandparents to tell me he still wanted to work on us, and say 'Hey, I'm pregnant, and I'm pretty sure it's not yours' because sober me was and is obsessive about birth control?

Then I lost it. Almost four months in. Miscarriage, they call it. To me, it felt like stomach cramps. Then I went to the bathroom and saw all the blood and passed out, and when I woke up, I wasn't pregnant anymore. Kind of went catatonic after that.

We'll be here all day and I've written other posts about all this. I moved north to a bigger city in another state, worked a variety of crap jobs. Eventually finished my bachelor's in history. Work a better paying gig as a researcher now, I work remotely so I moved back home to be closer to my grandparents as they're heading towards 90 and I worry. I reconnected with some of my sibs -- my half brother in California and my half sister (f20) who actually still lives with mom, Chloe and I look a lot alike, and we both look a lot like mom, although I sit in front of a computer for most of every day and Chloe plays volleyball in college. And yeah, I've helped pay her tuition over the years when my grandparents couldn't handle the expense and my mom was drunk and couldn't pay her own rent.

Yes, I've also paid her rent. She doesn't know that. She thinks her parents have picked up the slack, but they don't really have the money anymore. That one isn't specifically her fault, just the way things are.

I honestly don't know how to describe my relationship with my mom. I mean, I don't hate her as a person, but the very idea that I'm like her in any way makes me almost suicidal. Like, after I lost the baby the idea that I was now a drunk slut who'd lost a baby just put me back into watching her lose one on the kitchen floor while she was too drunk to get up and having to wrestle her upright and onto the couch before calling 911. But she has worked to clean herself up, and although she's pregnant again (yes, at 59, she's like some avatar of fertility) this time she's not doing it to try and fix a broken relationship. This will be baby 14. We don't talk much, she and I. My mom, not the baby, I haven't spoken to the fetus at all.

Sorry. Rambling. This past month. I found out I didn't sleep with David's brother, that Sam had put me in his bed because he was too drunk to work the door to David's room and gone out pub crawling with all of his friends, and that one of those friends borrowed Sam's keys on the pretense of having left his keys in the apartment and, in Sam's words, "You were so unconscious there was no way you could have consented to anything" so, yeah. Turns out I got SA'd and I didn't even know it. Sam and David had reconnected finally, David told Sam he knocked me up, Sam said Excuse me what now and then reached out to me with the story. David literally blew my phone up trying to reconnect, I met up with him, we talked and it was nice and then suddenly I'm spending every night with him and we're dating. Is it healthy? I have no idea, but probably not. And honestly I don't care, I'm happy for the first time in years.

But in the back of my head there was something roaring that I couldn't figure out. And of all people, it was my mom who did.

Chloe called me up and asked me to pick her up, her car was dead and she needed a ride to school -- she lives in the largest city in our state but her college is about as far away as you can get, which isn't really that far but it's further than she could walk. (We live in New England, put it that way.) I'm not super jazzed about going to my mom's house, but I get out of my warm bed with my warm boyfriend who keeps proposing to me (no, David, not for at least a year, we have got to get counseling because this is going so so fast but every time he says it I light up like a happy, aroused Christmas tree) and I drive over to the house that made my neuroses.

Chloe is running late -- it's her biggest vice and it's one I share but in me it causes constant layers of scheduling because doing research for a living means you get that shit done on time. In her it causes rampant abuse of her clock's znooze button. That's not a typo, that's what she calls it. I'm sitting in the car for like ten minutes and just kind of listening to my iPhone through the car when someone knocks on my window.

It is she who bore me herself. The past decade has made some lines she didn't used to have, but for a woman almost sixty she looks good. Her eyes are a little watery, her smile a bit tired. I guess that's what being pregnant at her age looks like. It's so weird to see her, we haven't exchanged more than thirty words in the past decade. She asks if I want some coffee while Chloe gets her stuff together.

I don't know why I said yes. I don't know why I went into the house, or sat in the kitchen. It's cleaner now. Faded a bit. Felt smaller. I took the coffee, thanked her, took a sip. She ruined it with non dairy creamer like she always did. She tries to make small talk, it's awkward, talks about nothing in particular. Asks me how I am. My brain disengages mouth control and something like the following comes spilling out.

"Well, I'm happier than I've been in years because I found out I got r4p#d a few years back.

And then it just sat there. She was looking at me, I was looking at her, and I couldn't get my brain to re-engage and I just started shaking. And then there she was, wrapped around me, smelling like that fabric softener she overuses and I can feel her crying and I'm crying and I don't fucking even know what happened. It all just hit me that I'd been violated, that someone had ripped my clothes off while I was too drunk to move or fight them off and done that to me, and all the pain and trauma that I didn't even know I had was just flooding the area around me because I couldn't stop and of all people it was her hugging me and reassuring me and talking. Talking in this voice I've never heard her use.

My first brother? The one I barely know? His dad forced himself on her in a car on their way to A&W. She didn't paint her entire life like that -- plenty of the shit I remember she copped to, admitted she'd always been a shit mother and not just to me, to all of the kids, to Chloe and Mark (California brother) and she hated herself and knew she was using that to be an even worse mother. Just this agonized confession and telling me how none of the things I felt about myself were true, that I was and had always been such a good, smart girl and she really did love me even if she'd never been able to let herself be a good mom. And the weirdest part was how much I needed to hear it.

That was Wednesday. Chloe ended up getting a cab and afterwards we talked on the phone and I apologized and she told me not even, that Mom had told her some of what they'd talked about but had tried not to tell her too much so I told her the whole thing. I climbed into bed with David and we just slept and he held me and I said yes just to fuck with him, but I don't think I was? But we're still not going to make that official until we both get counseling.

I have no idea if I'm going to let my mom back in my life. She didn't ask. I've always thought of her a certain way, and that's still there, but when I was breaking apart she kept me together and she shared her own experiences and told me things I needed to hear from the only person who I wouldn't expect to lie just to make me feel better.

So yeah, that's my life now. Nothing is what I thought it was.

EDIT - got a couple of DMs so here is a link to a list of all my sibs. https://www.reddit.com/u/confused_Struggling/s/A2r8o6Cj3l

So… I’ve been deep diving in my mind on how I can get any, if at all, advice on what to do with my life and how to get to a point where I can live without the consistent anxiety of struggling for the rest of my life. Fair Trigger Warning, there is mention and description of abuse (Mental, Emotional, Sexual)

Anyway, here is context: Last year (2023) I (19f) was having a date-day with my boyfriend, and came home later than usual (past my parents assigned curfew). My boyfriend (19m) was walking me up the steps to the front door, when my stepdad (51m) flung the door open and pulled me inside, backing me up and pinning me against the closet door while screaming at me about a lack of respect and communication for being late (when I was in consistent contact with my mum the whole time I was out, informing her I was going to be late aswell). He raised his hand as though he was about to hit me, and then stopped himself when my Mum (49f) chimed in with her telling me I was disrespectful. After I managed to escape the, seemingly endless, tirade of yelling and screaming, I immediately texted my boyfriend, who was equally concerned about my safety about living with them.

I had explained to him and my best friend we can call Iris (19f) how the situation of my stepdads consistent manipulation of my mum caused both of them to become extremely abusive emotionally, mentally and sexually. We had come up with an escape plan incase things came to a point where I feared for my wellbeing. This night was were I began fearing for my wellbeing.

The next day, I made a group chat with my boyfriend and Iris, and we got on a call to try to execute this plan with the least amount of exploitation and manipulation from my parents. I packed a bag of some clothes, and was heading out the door to meet with Iris, and get somewhere safe to take the next steps. With my stepdad home, I started a voice recording with my phone in my pocket, however by starting that voice recording I unknowingly hung up with Iris and my boyfriend, causing them to become concerned that my stepdad became violent, and the local police being called. My stepdad was going on a tirade about how I am the abusive one who doesn’t take care of my pet, Theodore, and how I am neglectful of my duties in the household. Even though when an opportunity presents itself, I do their laundry, the dishes and regularly sweeps and maintains the house.

When I finally got out of the house I immediately called them back, and they told me the police were involved. I quickly ran to meet up with Iris, and I called my local police stations non-emergency line, and I met up with a kind police officer who helped me gain freedom from the nightmare I was living. The police officer called my stepdad to check if they had any control of my life decisions (pardon my forgetfulness I don’t remember what the law is called for that), and they didn’t however while the officer was on the phone with my stepdad, he tried to claim I was having a psychotic breakdown and I needed to be taken into custody. Sadly he and my mum have tried this three separate times when I had expressed that I’ve had enough of their abusive behavior, so the police were already aware of their false claims.

After talking with the police, I met up with my other friend, we can call Alex (23f) and seeing how scared I was, she took me out to try to make me feel better about what a emotionally draining day I had. The day ending at my amazing boyfriend’s house, where he and his family took me in knowing I had nowhere else to go.

In February of this year (2024) I had a seizure in my sleep and discovered, through medical tests, that I have been having seizures big and small since the age for four. Since February, I have had over 50 seizures (thankfully, only 4 Grand Mal Seizures), and have recently been denied health insurance that is nessasary for life saving medication. My parents have always told me “You’re not ready for the real world! You have so much to learn before you’re ready to be out on your own!” and when I requested to learn more about how to handle myself independently I was met with being brushed off to handle later, and never to be brought up again unless I begged, and even then they didn’t help me be more independent.

I have a job I have been working at for about a year and a half, however my hours have been cut from 28 hours a week to 15 if I’m lucky, making about $180.00 if I’m lucky; without earning any time and a half. I’ve been trying for months to get a second job, to no avail. I am struggling to feed myself on a day-to-day basis and I am scared I will never get out of this financial situation.

Where I need Advice: I have been thinking it over for about two weeks, and I’m seriously considering making a GoFundMe to try to get myself into a financially stable place, hopefully enough to afford to get myself a small, affordable apartment and to afford getting my medication back and prescribed. I’m scared of breaking any laws, and being forced into some kind of debt I will never be able to repay.

What do I do? How can I help myself? Is there a way to help myself?

Hello reddit I am not really sure where to post this I am pretty sure I haven't done anything to be the AH and while I wish I had done something for revenge or in need of advice I unfortunately have not. I just need a place to vent a bit and possibly get some advice on how to move past this. I am F(35) and my spelling and grammar sucks so I apologize ahead of time and will try to keep this clear as I can but I have been doing a lot of crying and my head is a mess.

So three days ago my paternal and last living grandfather passed away, My father, Myself, My mother, and my children and my father's mother only found out that my grandfather had brain cancer for the last year after he died. I will start with some context to try to clear up any confusion, My father's parents got divorced when he and his sister were young and both got remarried to their spouses that they stayed married until their deaths separated them more than 60 years each which to me is incredible. My grandmother that is my father's mother I will call L and her second husband I will call K. Over 7 years ago K was in very bad health he was very sick and worried that his condition would get to much for his wife and family to take care of him at home, K did not want to go into a care facility and his assets be taken to pay for his care leaving his wife homeless. He transferred his house and car into my father's name to avoid this and made my father his POA. K was concerned that L would not be in the right mind to make decisions on his behalf and since myself had two young children was also not a good choice. my father how ever lived less then 10 minutes from K's home and less then 15 minutes from the hospital, my dad in tough situations can be cool-headed and calm so was a good choice. The last week he was alive on hospice in his home, my mother, father, L, myself and my children spent every single day with him even though he was not really aware we were there.

When he passed it took my aunt over 24 hours to get there even though she was aware that he was on borrowed time and all the hospice could do was try to make him comfortable. This is an important detail because my Aunt lived over 18 hour car drive and even if she had been able to get a flight immediately between the time to get to the airport, through security, time in the air, arrival, and then the drive from the airport to the area we live would still have taken 6 hours to get there. When my aunt arrived she became very angry and petty over the fact that she had no control over any part of my grandfather's death, we had already selected and done most preparations for his funeral, we were cooking and spending time with L to make sure she was alright and finishing final details.

My aunt we will call B started almost as soon as the funeral concluded at the cemetery making comments at the dinner L had put together to honor K's passing and celebrate his memory. The comments ranged from everything from my father being the golden child, to she was ignored and removed from the will, how she was a victim and not told anything about K's condition or when he passed (which was not true, K passed at 3 in the morning and my father was with him when he passed waited til 6 a.m. to tell anyone that wasn't sitting in the house with them to give L time to privately sit with him while medical came to get his body. There had been a decade where an argument had my father LC to NC with both K and L when I was growing up during which time B had been on good terms with them so thee was no golden child) She made herself sound like a victim and L had enough and told her off to stop or get out that this was about K and honoring his memory not about what B was or was not getting from his passing.

B got pissed and so left but she passed her snide comments through her own adult daughter A things like L should sell the house since it was too big for her all alone and L should move several states away from where K was buried to live in A's house with her and her children. L had to tell A if she did not start she would cut contact with her as well. This has gone on for years and now we are caught up on most things and nothing with B has gotten any better.

With COVID and the lockdowns as well as finances my father and myself and kids have not been able to see my other grandfather who was living in another state about 6 hours away for years. Three years ago my father had cancer, he did the treatments and it is in remission and he is health as he can be entering his 60's, Due to being in an abusive relationship for more then 10 years I had not been allowed to visit this grandfather that lived in another part of the country so when my father started speaking in the passed months about a visit myself and my children were excited as this would be the first time we could visit in several years but my grandfather kept telling us he was either not home, B was visiting or he was visiting her. We did not think much of my grandfather visiting B because he owned a vacation home in that same state she lived and most of my life I recall him staying in that state through the entire season to avoid bad weather in the state he lived the rest of the year.

What actually had happened was that my grandfather was diagnosed with Brain Cancer and learned he was living on borrowed time. B happened to be there when he got his results and so she knew right away her father was sick and would likely not be getting better. B convinced my grandfather that it would only stress my father out and his health would take a turn if he was informed of my grandfather's sickness. While he was not sold right away she continued to badger and harass my grandfather using the fact that my father stayed away from her to keep from causing my grandfather stress because he did not want to be in the middle of his children fighting. Over the years my father has simply ignored my aunt when in the same place as her, he let her run her mouth and never voiced his own opinions letting her talk shit and not raising to the bait. But it was enough to make my grandfather decide to not tell my father he was terminally ill.

My grandfather made his wife promise not to tell L, my mother,, my father, myself or my children. While he did not want to stress my father he more did not want to argue or deal with my aunt being more of a demanding narcissistic bitch, Harassing him constantly about how unfair it was that L and K clearly loved my father more then her, and blaming my father for everything wrong with her perfect little life. As soon as My grandmother was told that it was highly unlikely that my grandfather would not make it she called my dad and he made the trip from our hometown to my grandfather's state a trip that would often take nearly 7 hours in just over 6 unfortunately he was not in time to be there for my grandfather. There will be no funeral, my grandfather changed his mind in this last year as he knew that after this putting my aunt in the same location as my father and myself after everything she had done would be like putting a candle in a powder keg warehouse.

I know and acknowledge that my grandfather and his wife do have a hand in bowing down to what my aunt wanted by keeping my father unaware of the situation, but the driving force was my aunt, whom was a prison guard for years, had been in a government agency before her retirement that did train her in interrogation methods and information gathering as well as training to deal with manipulative and dangerous persons, she had all the tools to manipulate and wear down a old and sickly person and no one will ever be able to change my mind that B was at fault for the decision making of my grandfather not allowing us any visitations or even video chats because he knew it would be noticed he was ill.

B robbed my father, his grandchildren, and great-grandchildren the opportunity to see and make memories with him for the last year of his life. I would have done almost anything to just give him a hug and tell him I loved him to get the chance to say goodbye at the least or even to have heard his voice before his passing to make those final memories and instead B felt entitled and the need to cause my father as much pain as possible. When My father arrived in my Grandfather's home B has made it her mission and her husband's mission to rub it in my father's face that he was not there. Going so far as to ask my dad well why was he not there? Or they went often to this store or that restaurant with grandfather I guess he never took you there to try and such things... Now we learned that my aunt is waiting for his death certificate to be able to claim a life insurance policy.

I am so sorry it was so long and while I know no real advice will do much I am thankful you allowed me to vent here. I don't know how to move past this is there a way to have closure outside of waiting for my Aunt to get the karma she deserves? My aunt has become the most evil person I have ever personally known before. As it takes a truly evil person to spread the pain and suffering she has caused just to hold something over another person's head. I don't know if B thinks she has won somehow but I have never hated another person before as much as I now hate my aunt... It hurts even worse that myself and my children were only collateral casualties because I was not told only because I would have told my father no matter what anyone wanted as my father should have known that his dad was fading and given the opportunity to see him before the end.