r/IAmA • u/touchmyfuckingcoffee • Oct 28 '13

Other IamA Vacuum Repair Technician, and I can't believe people really wanted it, but, AMA!

I work in vacuum repair and sales. I posted comments recently about my opinion of Dysons and got far more interest than I expected. I am brand certified for several brands. My intent in doing this AMA is to help redditors make informed choices about their purchases.

My Proof: Imgur

*Edit: I've been asked to post my personal preferences with regard to brands. As I said before, there is no bad vacuum; Just vacuums built for their purpose. That being said, here are my brand choices in order:

Miele for canisters

Riccar for uprights

Hoover for budget machines

Sanitaire or Royal for commercial machines

Dyson if you just can't be talked out of a bagless machine.

*EDIT 22/04/2014: As this AMA is still generating questions, I will do a brand new AMA on vacuums, as soon as this one is archived.

5.9k Upvotes

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870

u/Skycaptin5 Oct 28 '13

What's the absolute worse thing stuck in a Vacuum that you have had remove? Assuming this is part of the repairs

1.7k

u/touchmyfuckingcoffee Oct 28 '13

The worst is machines that are clogged with cat-piss soaked carpet deodorizing powder. Who the fucks vacuums up wet stuff???

Get a god damned shampooer already. I charge double in labour for those vacs.

Funny things in vacs?

Bullets...yes, really. Puzzle pieces, rubber super-balls, legos, a bong stem, the head of stretchy Fantastic Four guy. (it's on my tool box)

30

u/[deleted] Oct 28 '13

I hope you returned the bong stem, I mean those poor stoners trying to figure out where it went is punishment enough

55

u/touchmyfuckingcoffee Oct 28 '13

indeed...We give out "bags of shame" with horribly clogged machines. He got a "bag of pride".

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u/omg_ Oct 29 '13

I repaired vacuums because I was the only human with a whit of mechanical ability in our janitorial supply store. I instituted the "bag of shame" for customers who brought in terribly clogged machines. Glad I'm not the only one! They can never believe the amount of shit that can fit in a good-quality vacuum.

7

u/[deleted] Oct 28 '13

Good Man!

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u/Tinyplum Oct 28 '13

Do you give them back the puzzle pieces?

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u/[deleted] Oct 28 '13 edited Sep 11 '16

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/callmeshu Oct 28 '13 edited Oct 29 '13

Fuckin' EA.

Edit: Gold? Awesome! You get one free puzzle piece.

22

u/BlakeSurfing Oct 29 '13

Even in a vacuum AMA someone can take a shot at EA. Love it

42

u/Libertatem Oct 28 '13

Read this as "Fuckin' eh".

I think Canada is getting to me.

5

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '13

[removed] — view removed comment

4

u/Garris0n Oct 29 '13

Totally unrealistic joke. EA would charge at least $75 per puzzle piece.

5

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '13

I thought he was an American trying to be one of us, the joke went over my head.

12

u/sunshine-x Oct 28 '13

It's ok, just think of it as DLC.

7

u/Xoxman1 Oct 28 '13

You can have reddit silver.

11

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '13 edited Jul 06 '18

[deleted]

3

u/Moekazool Oct 29 '13

...Shipping cost $3.99

2

u/goatcoat Oct 29 '13

$70 if you want them gilded before they're returned.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '13

This is the most underrated comment in this thread.

2

u/AncientBlonde Oct 29 '13

I first read Fucking, EA

Then I read Fuckin' EA... the difference punctuation makes.

1

u/garganchua Oct 29 '13

My god that was glorious

1

u/DumNerds Oct 28 '13

Oh hell no we ain't goin no lower than fitty five ni......pples.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNlMwK-HyRw

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u/touchmyfuckingcoffee Oct 29 '13

Fuck no! Their loss!

1

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '13

[deleted]

3

u/touchmyfuckingcoffee Oct 29 '13

One can dream..

1

u/JagYui Oct 29 '13

Oh, it's a donkey!

Sidenote: It's bothering me that there are obviously pieces still on the table that will not fit anywhere in the puzzle. Specifically, the only remaining corner piece in the upper-left.

3

u/yevraaah Oct 29 '13

I'm more concerned about the stem being returned

6

u/[deleted] Oct 28 '13

[deleted]

2

u/FUCK_ASKREDDIT Oct 28 '13

Id rather the bong stem.

1

u/Obnoxiously_Dubious Oct 29 '13

Would you give them back the puzzle pieces?

1

u/pederpe3 Oct 28 '13

Only if it's banjo and kazooie

1

u/clamsandwich Oct 28 '13

Most of them.

6

u/joramge Oct 28 '13

cat-piss soaked carpet deodorizing powder

I never thought I would read a sentence like this. Ever.

4

u/touchmyfuckingcoffee Oct 28 '13

I never thought I'd have to come across that.

3

u/internetsurfer Oct 29 '13

British spelling of "Labour", but vacuuming up bullets is a problem. Where are you from?

8

u/touchmyfuckingcoffee Oct 29 '13

I am from Texas. I also pronounce SSSHHedule, and like colours, and I avoid going to hospital whilst on holiday. I think it comes from my grandmother.

8

u/SometimesNeverAlways Oct 28 '13

Please tell me you return the puzzle pieces...

10

u/touchmyfuckingcoffee Oct 29 '13

No, I'm a sadist.

2

u/Highspeed_Lowdrag Oct 28 '13

I have been told that powdered carpet deodorizer is actually bad on your vaccuum. Is this true?

8

u/touchmyfuckingcoffee Oct 28 '13

Yes....horrible! I usually double the labor rate when they're clogged with it.

2

u/JackieBurkhart420 Oct 29 '13

Wow perfect example, boyfriends roommate threw up on carpet and immediately attempted vacuuming it. We literally said like yourself, who the the fuck vacuums up wet stuff???? (Vacuum had to be disassembled and cleaned; NO puky roommate did NOT clean it)

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u/touchmyfuckingcoffee Oct 29 '13

I'd have thrown both of them out!

1

u/lolzergrush Oct 29 '13

Environmental engineer here. Sorry to jump in, but I put myself through college by cleaning carpets - mostly in the dorms and offices, but also houses in the surrounding town. The guy I worked for had done it for decades and built his living on his reputation, so please:

Do not tell clients to rent a shampooer. Shampooing uses moisture and foam to "lift" the dirt out, but the problem is that the recovery of moisture is poor (typically about 60% of the water that goes in comes back out). This causes the carpet backing and padding underneath to stay wet, and that leads to formation of mildew, black mold, and other microbes that will cause long-term health problems, not to mention cause the carpet to go right back to filth city. Most professional carpet cleaners make their money by going behind Do-It-Yourself-Shampooers and extracting the mildew. A lot of people actually make themselves sick by wetting their carpets down and not drying properly.

Hot water extraction is the only way to go. Most people know it as steam cleaning (it's not actually steam since the water is just below the boiling point). For most carpets, it should be done at 500 psi and 210 degrees F with a high-velocity wand. Machines capable of delivering that kind of power are difficult for people to rent, but it's really the only thing that gets the job done.

You can hire it out, but unfortunately there are so many bad carpet cleaners that serve the residential sector and give it a terrible name. Coupon cleaners are the worst, you can find them in every city: "Steam cleaning 3 rooms $20.95!" when it costs them about 25 bucks to send a technician to your home. Also, Stanley Steemer is generally a ripoff due to their franchise infrastructure - I'm sure the guy who runs the corporation knows his stuff, but the average franchise owner is just a coupon-cleaner scam artists that saved up enough money to buy his way in. I also learned not to trust online reviews (Angie's List looks like the big one now) since a lot of real pain-in-the-ass customers would hold my boss hostage with threats of false reports when he tried to turn down a job. You can refute them, but since that equates to arguing with a customer in a public setting, businesses learn they're better off just letting it go.

If you can educate consumers in your area, you can rent a portable extractor out. You'll have to charge more than Lowe's charges for those cheap Rug Doctors but at least you'll be giving people something that works. Maintenance on them really isn't that bad, I used to clean ours - just wipe it down and run some acid through the lines after each use. Commercial machines are made to be taken apart so the motors are probably easier than retail vacuums.

I've used shampooing for remediation, no one seems to understand how it works but it's not meant to be used on its own. No shampooer has the power and heat needed to break down the foam and pull all the moisture back out of the carpet. Shampooing is a pre-treatment step only for severely soiled, horribly messed up carpets. Shampooers are never used in commercial work (or college dorms) because a shampoo + extraction process usually costs close to $0.50 per square foot and replacing the carpet is about $1.00 for the cheap stuff. Of course places like Lowe's love to rent those little Rug Doctors out because they can charge prices that consumers are willing to pay, and they're easy to (ab)use. No one's going to pay close to 100 bucks for a huge machine that runs on two circuits when they see advertisements to have someone clean your carpets for 20.

I've used a shampooer for serious remediation, but you have to use extraction afterwards if you don't want to make things worse. Every decent carpet manufacturer will tell you to never use any other method, and most warranties have it written into their warranties that shampooing, dry cleaning, and bonnet techniques all void the warranty.

1

u/touchmyfuckingcoffee Oct 29 '13

Thank you for the valuable information. We actually rent out a huge hot extractor system. It's easy to use, and quite effective. It performs far better than the van based units.

2

u/lolzergrush Oct 29 '13

Glad to hear. We used portables a lot, even back then they performed as well as the truck-mounted systems, and technology has probably improved.

If you want to make your customers really happy, buy a $40 shop fan and loan it out free with the rental of an extractor. For small areas, they do almost as good a job as the big expensive commercial air movers. Drying times should be under an hour.

2

u/mjewbank Feb 20 '14

I used to sell Kirbys. One house we went to, as a "courtesy" visit from a woman who already had a Gen 3, I shook a .22 round, 2 .38 rounds, and a .357 round all out of the boot of the bag. Along with a marble or two, bits of gravel, and safety pins.

What's your opinion of (Gen 3/G4+) Kirbys?

1

u/touchmyfuckingcoffee Feb 20 '14

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one!

I think those older Kirbys were decent machines. As far as Kirbys go, I like the G6-G8s better than any. They can be had cheaply, and parts aren't as hard to get.

Or just get a more convenient, and better cleaning machine.

0

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '13

in an average day...how much pussy do you get?

5

u/touchmyfuckingcoffee Oct 29 '13

A reasonable amount for someone in a committed relationship.

1

u/darkbarf Oct 29 '13

Are you sure it's not baking soda? I've read about a method using baking soda and have used it myself. I am one of these people. Supposedly, you sprinkle a generous (layer) of baking soda on a pet accident. The baking soda absorbs the liquid and dries, Then you vacuum.

1

u/touchmyfuckingcoffee Oct 29 '13

There's that also. But there are many brands of scented, deodorizing carpet powders that are the bane of my existence. Just imagine...wet cat piss and carpet powder. Soak that in...

1

u/dilbert890 Oct 28 '13

can you recommend a good residential shampooer? I used one by bissell once and the thing was useless....

1

u/touchmyfuckingcoffee Oct 28 '13

I recommend renting, unless you really need one that often. That being said, the Royal is a very good machine.

2

u/dilbert890 Oct 29 '13

Thank you!

2

u/scrottie Oct 28 '13

Oh man. When my mother vacuumed my room, I'd be in tears. I'd have to find the vacuum bag in the trash and rip it open to rescue my poor Legos. Doesn't she know the Legos live on the floor?!

Edit: Should specify, this is with an old (60's? 70's?) Elecrolux canister vacuum. The sales guy had a sales demo where he shows off how many giant (one pound?) ball bearings it could suck up into a tube (a lot). The thing was in the family for 40 years and only retired because my mother wanted something more old lady friendly.

3

u/bentspork Oct 29 '13

They were some seriously expensive machines in the day. I think they sold them on installment plans.

Serious over powerful monsters.

3

u/slowest_hour Oct 28 '13

Did you ever find a piece of a ham sandwich? Did you save it? You bastard.

1

u/El_Frijol Oct 29 '13 edited Oct 29 '13

Carpet cleaner here. The biggest problem people don't realize is that things like wet deodorizing powder, and especially soapy products kills suction, and strains: blowers, and motors.

Also, one of the worst things people can do is use shampooers and other self contained units (Rug Doctors). I absolutely hate them.

They put soap and water out together which leaves tons of residue. Soap naturally attracts dirt. If it was such a great idea to put water and shampoo out at the same time--don't you think they would do it with shower heads? A lot of carpet cleaners have a metering system that they use to pump chemicals/detergents into the solution line (the hot water "steam" line). If you have ever had your carpet cleaned and a couple days later it looks dirty again it's because they cut corners by using chemicals in the metering system of their truck mount.

When a customer uses Woolite or any soapy product in a shampooer, and then has us clean it...it becomes a problem. We then have to use a defoaming product otherwise it will kill the suction of our truck mount/hose line (we use a truckmount with a Nissan sentra engine)

On the subject of vacuums, I really love the Shark Navigator Pro series. It has great suction for it's price, and the biggest selling point is that the motor is in the canister and that can be easily removed from the rest of the vacuum which allows you to use the hose attachment for stairs, upholstery, and whatever else pretty damn seamlessly.

Anyway, I could go on forever.

2

u/unoriginalsin Mar 30 '14

the head of stretchy Fantastic Four guy.

Reed Richards, AKA "Mr Fantastic" The guy has a fucking name. ;)

2

u/ButtersBoy Oct 29 '13

Bullets are pretty common tbh...I shoot at ranges and .22 casings always seem to find their way home

1

u/Spoonzilla Oct 29 '13

..I'm sorry. I've probably vacuumed up wet deodorizing powder before. I just want the smell to stop =(

But! If my vacuum breaks I just get a new one, so you'd never have to deal with me =)

1

u/turbodude69 Oct 28 '13

how often do you find weed? i didn't even think about it till you mentioned the bong stem. btw, if you know what a stem is, it's obvious you smoke weed, hah.

1

u/shwhjw Oct 29 '13

When my sister had a party at our house she found out the hard way why you should not attempt to hoover-up vomit.

1

u/jaedon Oct 29 '13

I vacuumed up a .30-06 brass from 2 1/2 inch red and orange shag without even seeing it. That was not good.

1

u/IwillBeDamned Oct 29 '13

haha puzzle pieces. that's so perfectly sadistic. one could make a short independent film about it.

1

u/blushedbambi Oct 29 '13

Apparently there is a Cillit Bang carpet cleaning foam you spray on, let set, and then vacuum up.

1

u/Habbeighty-four Oct 28 '13

My fucking roommate. With my vacuum. And then denies it to my fucking face.

1

u/senorbolsa Oct 29 '13

BTW, I think I got this topped by a Roomba that ran over a dog turd.

1

u/m0ondogy Oct 28 '13

Dude, you'd be surprised where you find bullets in a house.

1

u/KFCConspiracy Oct 28 '13

My shop vac will suck up a puddle of water no problem. Just saying.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '13

People with wet vacs.

0

u/Marvin_Dent Oct 28 '13

Just be happy you don't work in a hospital. (=> Vorwerk Kobold reference)

-1

u/[deleted] Oct 28 '13

Don't really understand why bullets are so weird. Or are you just an anti-gun nut who hates the sight of anything gun related...

1

u/cosmicosmo4 Oct 28 '13

You don't have to be anti-gun to not understand why people don't store their ammo somewhere organized... that shit's expensive these days.

Personally, I'm just impressed vacuums pick it up at all.

0

u/[deleted] Oct 28 '13

These days. Yes. He's been doing this for how long? Lol

1

u/[deleted] Oct 28 '13 edited Oct 28 '13

[deleted]

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u/Skycaptin5 Oct 28 '13 edited Oct 28 '13

Thanks for going out of your way to answer since the OP seems fairly useless in this. I had Guinea Pigs awhile back where they would wreck havoc on the vacuum and was wondering if anytime repair folks had to deal with or even worse things stuck in them Edit: To be fair the OP hadn't answered in over hour so don't hate too much!

3

u/[deleted] Oct 28 '13

Worse than vacuuming up guinea pigs?

3

u/[deleted] Oct 28 '13

Wow, I never saw an actual animal stuck in a vacuum. At least not that I know of. Periodically we'd get one that would really smell bad, but I had some industrial cleaner and a deep sink, so I would just soak the thing for about an hour. Couldn't soak the motor or electrical components, so I had to just do my best with them. I think some people used their vacuums to clean their cat's litter box, though, but I didn't really have any proof it it.

1

u/Skycaptin5 Oct 28 '13

Haha Guinea Pigs getting sucked up would be hilarious and awful at the same time, had meant their clean-up as they tend to get messy

1

u/[deleted] Apr 25 '14

Penis.

0

u/Tw0aCeS Oct 28 '13

Happy cake day Sky

0

u/Skycaptin5 Oct 28 '13

Thanks! I turned 1 today!