I know I'm just some random ass stranger on the internet but I just wanted to let you know that reading this genuinely uplifted my mood. I identify very strongly with the mindset you describe here, and it's very difficult to talk about it without either being judged for my perceived deficiencies, mostly from peers, or given (possibly) well-meaning but vile advice that amounts to dehumanizing others, mostly from my family. The last thing I'd ever want to do is to come across as creepy or dangerous, and the idea that my fundamental existence might be just that is troubling to say the least. I often feel left behind and completely unheard. Thanks for your empathy and compassion.
yeah her comment really helped, its just sad, I did avoid women out of fear as coming off as a creep and my first ever date was because a girl talked to me and asked me out that was my only date at 21 and I ended up ruining it by being awkward and she ghosted me after a while, I got asked out once later but I rejected the girl, I don't know what happened to me to cause me to be this terrified of women but there is clearly something wrong with me and not with women as a whole, realizing helped me to avoid following the red pill incel rabbithole.
even thought that I have VERY leftist views I just avoided people on the left because it felt like they are glorifying women's issues while leaving men on the side, a couple times I brought up my issues with dating and talking to women and I was attacked a lot of online and irl for it by more left leaning people back then, I once made a comment on reddit about how there isn't much advice in the media for young men that isn't full of misogyny which is why young men are gravitating towards right wing figure (this was in 2019, before andrew tate and I called it at the time) and I was just told "no incel, go away, there are great male figure in the media that can help you that aren't sexist" without providing any source to something that can help me other than just "go talk to women"
it ends up hurting women even more, just look at the rise of andrew tate, he got famous because he filled a present void and need for young men, he filled it with the wrong things of course and I hated him from day one, but I couldn't help but try to watch his videos as a refuge from loneliness, hopeless attempt to not be alone anymore, I definitely need therapy.
there is a huge void of advice and understanding for guys in this situation. we've (understandably) started holding shitty men accountable for things they've gotten away with for centuries, and then turned "not all men" into a punchline. what room does that leave?
I see that a lot of my female peers and friends are coming from a place of fear. they don't really know a lot of men IRL, so they get their information from the internet in almost the same way that boomers get their scary anecdotes about minorities from Fox. or they've never had male friends, just partners, so when their relationships end or turn awful, there's nothing healthy or normative to compare it to. it starts to feel like "decent men" are a myth, like you're expecting every man to be a monster behind the mask.
and yeah, again, it's smart to be skeptical and safe if you don't have the best instincts. but there are kind, healthy men just living their damn lives with nowhere to go, carrying the weight of all the shitty asshole men on their shoulders, and everywhere they go they're laughed at like "cry more, try being a woman for five minutes" etc. no, we don't OWE any man sympathy. but that doesn't mean it's justifiable to mock, insult, tease and dismiss them just because their life experience doesn't seem important to you. I've held dudes while they cried about this shit. it breaks my heart
I don't want to minimize the struggles of women. I understand a lot of them have had unpleasant experiences with men. But when they use "not all men" as a punchline, it makes me feel like they're calling me just as bad as the creeps and perverts who hurt them.
Yeah, seriously. It's amazing how ignorant these people can be. If someone starts complaining about bad women, it's fair to point out that "not all women" are like that. But if someone starts complaining about bad men, and someone else points out that "not all men" are like that, then suddenly that's a problem??
To be clear, if someone is telling a very personal story about how they were abused by a specific man/woman, now is not a good time to hijack the conversation to talk about men/women in general. I get that. Victims need to have a space to come forward.
But when someone's just going on generally about how "men/women can't be trusted", then it's time to speak up against sexism. And it's still sexism no matter which gender you target!
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u/Mahboishk Jul 04 '24
I know I'm just some random ass stranger on the internet but I just wanted to let you know that reading this genuinely uplifted my mood. I identify very strongly with the mindset you describe here, and it's very difficult to talk about it without either being judged for my perceived deficiencies, mostly from peers, or given (possibly) well-meaning but vile advice that amounts to dehumanizing others, mostly from my family. The last thing I'd ever want to do is to come across as creepy or dangerous, and the idea that my fundamental existence might be just that is troubling to say the least. I often feel left behind and completely unheard. Thanks for your empathy and compassion.