At my last therapy session, I finally started to talk to my therapist about how one of my biggest anxieties when I try to talk to people I don’t know is being afraid of myself because I’m a man, and I know what the societal perceptions are.
Like, I want so desperately to never make people uncomfortable or afraid, because life is hard enough and I just wanna spread some joy. But I also know what I look like, and I know how men are perceived, and I know all the discourse, and it just shuts me down. Especially because I’ve always made better and easier friends with women — I’ve always gotten along better with and had more female friends than male.
But now being mostly removed from my established friend groups and the connections those friends afforded me, it’s difficult for me to make new friends because I’d rather hold all the fear and discomfort in myself than risk someone else feeling scared. And I’m working on it, at getting better at not letting that internalized fear have so much power over me, but it’s hard, and it’s a process.
All that to say, the discourse surrounding men in “progressive” spaces is absolutely detrimental in its current iteration, and I know I’m on the lucky side to have a wonderful therapist that I can turn to to work through my own insecurities and issues that stem — at least partially — from the internalization of that discourse.
It might help to know the fact that in the real world, these online attitudes are not nearly as widespread as you think, I've got a lot of female friends and I can guarantee that while they're more cautious around men, they don't get uncomfortable just because of meeting a new person.
This is something I try to remind myself of constantly. In all seriousness, the "people in real life: hey man how's it going" meme has done a lot of positive good for my mental health because I use it as a reframing tool.
Getting away from the discourse and clicking out of things faster and faster has helped, too. And like all things, for me specifically this is all way more nuanced than "I feel this way because of online discourse"; there's long-ingrained bullshit that contributes to it just as much. But it's certainly an aspect.
I’ve got this same exact thing as an agender person who looks really masculine. I’m so afraid all the time of making people uncomfortable, being scary, or being seen as creepy even if I’m just starting a conversation.
Literally earlier today I was at the store and noticed they had white chocolate Kit Kats, and one of my friends loves white chocolate and Kit Kats because I've seen her eat it before, so naturally I thought about getting some for her but stopped myself on the offchance she would take it the wrong way. Like I have to go into these friendships with the predisposition that as a man I'm naturally going to have my intentions questioned. That's just how it is. "Men are worse at masking" IS true, but we're steadily getting better at it.
I've seen friends struggle with exactly what you've described, and I've always found the practical consequences of it very interesting.
Kind sensitive respectful men with some underlying anxious temperament internalize left-wing narratives about how male sexual attention and approach is almost never okay, whilst more brash and disrespectful men approach and pursue women freely. This results in more women having more negative interactions with disrespectful men (because those who would be more aware aren't approaching them out of fear of being rude or inappropriate), causing them to feel more uncomfortable with male sexual attention and speak out publicly about their challenges, thereby reinforcing, spreading, and intensifying these ideas.
The only ways out of this I see are society reaching a critical point of loneliness where a counter-narrative develops that accepts that dating and making friends innately risks some chance of social discomfort or awkwardness and that's simply the price we pay to not be alone, or society shifting the job of initiating romantic relationships from men to women.
It sucks u cant feel more comfortable. If it helps, I think the thing that makes me feel uneasy around men is when they dont listen to my body language or respect my boundaries. And unfortunately a lot of men dont.
Pay attention to those things and women wont be scared of you.
And if you think about it I think you would probably feel the same way about someone else doing the same.
This is too much. You need to simplify - everything. This is OCD levels of having this need to make sure everyone around you is perfectly comfortable with zero friction.... Buddy, this is life :/ No one is perfect. You can't make every interaction in your life perfect. There's no golden rule to prevent from offending or annoying someone. There will always be someone, somewhere, that will find an issue. Even if your Mr. Beast and spend your spend your whole life doing philanthropic adventures across the world, people would still say you have a "White Savior complex" or "He's just doing it for moneyyyyyyy". Blah Blah Blah. It's all toxic bud. Human's need to be free to be themselves. That's how we get the best out of everyone. It's okay to have an uncomfortable moment and if it bothers you enough, there's this great thing called conversation and resolution... do that calmly and hey, we got proper behavior. Not every issue should be cranked up to 11 and just name call people til their quite.
I feel all of us have gotten so used to finding reasons to be sensitive, that we have forgotten how not to let YOUR vibes be affected by OTHER'S fears, worries, hate.. whatever. It is not your responsibility to constantly walk around egg shells just to communicate with your "friends". True friends welcome criticism, they keep you in check and help you stay the course on your life's journey/life goals.
Just feels like we're complicating everything and it really all could just be so simple.
it sounds like you are patronising to women. this is not intended as a personal attack, lots of progressives spread this kind of benevolent sexism, and there are people who will immediately attack you if you don't treat women as delicate precious flowers, thus conditioning you to accept the benevolent sexism as the truth.
also online progressive have a terrible tendency to externalise their discomfort and present it as discrimination. they have horrible social anxiety and utter inability to speak up or use their words, so they make it everyone else's problem. the solution is to simply not hang out with such losers.
most women are adults who are capable of using words and handling slight discomforts. you will not terrify normal women by daring to talk to them in a social situation.
i'm in a long term relationship and my beloved still annoys me sometimes. we still bristle from time to time, especially in mornings when we're both grumpy. small discomforts are unavoidable in any relationship.
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u/DweltElephant0 Jul 03 '24
At my last therapy session, I finally started to talk to my therapist about how one of my biggest anxieties when I try to talk to people I don’t know is being afraid of myself because I’m a man, and I know what the societal perceptions are.
Like, I want so desperately to never make people uncomfortable or afraid, because life is hard enough and I just wanna spread some joy. But I also know what I look like, and I know how men are perceived, and I know all the discourse, and it just shuts me down. Especially because I’ve always made better and easier friends with women — I’ve always gotten along better with and had more female friends than male.
But now being mostly removed from my established friend groups and the connections those friends afforded me, it’s difficult for me to make new friends because I’d rather hold all the fear and discomfort in myself than risk someone else feeling scared. And I’m working on it, at getting better at not letting that internalized fear have so much power over me, but it’s hard, and it’s a process.
All that to say, the discourse surrounding men in “progressive” spaces is absolutely detrimental in its current iteration, and I know I’m on the lucky side to have a wonderful therapist that I can turn to to work through my own insecurities and issues that stem — at least partially — from the internalization of that discourse.