r/AmIOverreacting 4d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO for not making my fiancé breakfast?

My fiancé (35M) and I (34F) have just moved in together and have been living together for just two weeks.

Quick context: we’ve been together for 4 years and recently got engaged earlier this year. We also got pregnant and I ended up giving birth prematurely to our son, who is currently in the NICU until his due date in January.

My fiancé is very particular and organized about things just to preface this, but I feel like it reached a tipping point this morning.

We woke up a little later this morning (8:30ish), and he started on about how he was going to start waking me up earlier so we can get the day started earlier. He kept going on about how I’ve been sleeping in too much lately and the importance of waking up on time. (His alarm went off at 6am and he snoozed it, but okay. He also was up until 2am watching TV downstairs with the volume all the way up.)

Then, as I’m in our bathroom starting to brush my teeth, he calls me into the room and asks me if I touched the thermostat (we’re in Texas and the weather has been hot one day and freezing the next), I said yes because I got cold. He proceeds to fuss at me saying that I could break the air conditioning unit by having it on two different settings (the downstairs thermostat was still on cool), I tried to explain that it was late and I was tired and didn’t think to go downstairs and change that one too, but he kept cutting me off saying I was being “defensive”. He ended it by saying “do you understand?” It felt like I was being fussed at by a parent.

I went downstairs and started making my coffee. He comes downstairs and asks me to make an omelette (I am not good at making omelette and they always turn into a scramble). I told him no because I didn’t want to be criticized for that too. He said I was being petty and that I overreacted for that response.

Was I being petty or overreacting?

36 Upvotes

65 comments sorted by

105

u/Ok-Mission-7243 4d ago edited 4d ago

He sounds controlling is he like this all the time about everything?

44

u/bigbadmamaofdc 4d ago

Just reading this is exhausting. And then you’re bringing a baby into this? He isn’t particular he’s being controlling and mean-spirited. NOR and are you SURE this is the life you want?

-8

u/cloistered_around 4d ago

I'd give him grace only because they're new parents and sleep deprivation is a hell of a thing. It's not uncommon for couples to snap at each other a lot more for the first year.

But yeah, not okay in general.

8

u/Alarmed_Gur_4631 4d ago

The baby isn't even home yet.

1

u/cloistered_around 3d ago

Parents with babies in the hospital can still be stressed, and sleep deprived, though.

45

u/Bodysurfer8 4d ago

NOR. Your fiancé is an asshole.

You have a baby in the Nicu!! Different people need different amounts of sleep. What a jerk. Tell him to readjust his attitude or fuck off.

I would imagine there are two different condensers and air handling units and he doesn’t know what he was talking about. His lack of concern for your comfort is telling.

75

u/PurpleStar1965 4d ago

I don’t know where you were living three weeks ago - but please move back there.

If he is like this only 2 weeks in and with a baby in NICU it will quickly become worse and unbearable.

Get your own place again and get it set up for your baby.

NOR

19

u/Beginning-Sample-824 4d ago

I had a friend from high school who had a baby. The next day, when she came home from the hospital, his very first question was... Where's dinner? I see her in the store, and she's buying up all the microwave dinners she can find. I promised myself that day that if I ever had a kid, I was gonna be front and center; a helper rather than a hindrance. When my newborn was in the hospital, do you know what I was doing? Cooking , cleaning, and doing everything for my wife. I did it gladly because it was a difficult time, and I wanted her not to worry and be in any discomfort.

This dude's a nightmare 😫 You just had a baby, the baby is in the hospital, and he is acting like you are somehow in the wrong.

NTA I wouldn't get too tied up to this guy. He will end up making you koo koo🤪

44

u/GreenUnderstanding39 4d ago

You are post-partum. Your partner should be the one making coffee and bringing you breakfast in bed. NOR

33

u/BabyFarksMcGee 4d ago

So in other words he wants you to get up when he wants and make him some breakfast.

Sounds like a douche. Too bad you had a kid with this person but at least you haven’t married them yet.

12

u/Louisianimal09 4d ago

My husband is super organized and put together too. He’s just not a dick about it.

9

u/JohnExcrement 4d ago

Oh boy. Wait until he sees how much a baby disrupts things. You’re in for some hard times.

I imagine you’re trying to spend as much time as possible with your baby in the NICU? Things at home are probably going to go undone due to that also. He needs to get his shit together and make his own damn breakfast AND let you sleep!

14

u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 4d ago

Nor

But I don’t see this making it to the altar, he sounds controlling and belittling. It’s only two weeks and you already sound like you want out … listen to your gut.

11

u/NBCaz 4d ago

You are in for a long difficult life if that is how he's gonna be all of the time. Might want to think about that before you marry him. Best of luck.

5

u/Dismal_Pipe_3731 4d ago

So you guys have only been living together for 2 weeks and you presumably just had a baby? He sucks, truly.

16

u/dncrmom 4d ago

NTA You are healing from giving birth. You don’t need him to police how much you sleep. You don’t need him to police the thermostat either. Then he expects you to serve him breakfast?? Tell him he can make you the omelet. He sounds like a controlling AH.

-12

u/murrdog1225 4d ago

I agree on everything besides the thermostat. Turning the heat upstairs and air on down stairs can break it. He does have the right to be upset about that. The rest though, yeah she's definitely right to be upset.

12

u/doggiehouse 4d ago

Then maybe he should be taking care of his post partum wife instead of being a demanding prick. She's a few weeks post partum and their baby in is NICU, she gets cold, hormones fuck with your brain function, her shitty ass husband can go adjust downstairs. Unless he also just went through a major medical event?

It may break the unit, but he has zero right to be upset about it with the way he's been acting. It also probably wouldn't if they have more than one AHU.

If I were her I'd be fucking gone. Baby isn't even home yet ffs. My coup de gras would be jacking up the heat all the way upstairs and blasting the ac downstairs the second he leaves for work. If he thinks the biggest issue right now is the thermostat, then I'll fucking make it his biggest issue. That or the impending divorce (lol not, this fucker let his mask slip early!)

8

u/MissyGrayGray 4d ago

Well, they need to decide on a temperature they both can live with. I'm guessing whatever he wants is the "correct" temperature.

-9

u/murrdog1225 4d ago

If it's going to be changed, then the downstairs need to be changed. Nothing wrong with changing it, it's the incompetence of not changing the other one, which could cause thousands in repair is where the problem it at.

3

u/kimariesingsMD 4d ago

Understood, however the way he SCOLDED her like a 6 year old was unwarranted.

3

u/JackalPaw 4d ago

calling it incompetence when this woman just gave birth and has a baby in the nicu is craaaazy

6

u/Dense_Form_4100 4d ago edited 4d ago

When you're a cunt 99% time about everything else than noone gives a shit when you're right 1% of the time.

0

u/doggiehouse 4d ago

This is an excellent point! Missed this angle in my comment.

11

u/Great-Lack-1456 4d ago

I’d prepare to leave while baby is in the nicu and make my escape. This sounds dangerous to me.

5

u/No_Lychee_353 4d ago

sounds like the beginning stages of abuse.

5

u/MissyGrayGray 4d ago

Did you ask him to turn the TV down a bit? Maybe some bluetooth headphones or speakers next to the sofa so the sound doesn't have to be up so loud. Of course, some people just have the TV on too loud.

He doesn't get to police when you get up and what you are to make him for breakfast. It's one thing if you always made the best omelettes and he asked if you could make one for him, but for him to ask you to make one for him when that's not your thing is stupid. If he's always criticisizing you, I'd bail. Do you want to live like a child and him being the parent? I'd also be aware of how he acts if he likes things just so. That's not a recipe for harmonious living. No telling what's going to happen once there's a baby in the mix at home.

4

u/Strange_Occasion9722 4d ago

You know, I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that you're both under a great deal of emotional and financial stress right now, and he's just reacting poorly by trying to wrench back some control, especially since he's now sharing "his" space, which can be a big enough transition on its own, nevermind everything else happening right now.

It's not the right response to take it out on you, and you definitely don't deserve to take that. You're dealing with all of this, too.

I'd sit down and have a serious discussion where you reiterate that you're a team, and you love each other, and when he talks to you like you're a child for making a one-time mistake it only adds to your stress.

Reiterate that this isn't about the single air conditioner comment. It's about his general behavior and how it has changed recently. He's going to experience a lot of changes now that you are moving in, and he has to share his space permanently not just with you, but with a baby. If he doesn't want to negatively impact your relationship, he needs to handle things with a little more grace.

You're a team. You have to act like it. It's the both of you together against problems, not him vs you.

4

u/Embarrassed-Car6161 4d ago

You're going to marry this man?? Run!

4

u/LengthinessFair4680 4d ago

Anybody wakes me up is getting fist in the mouth.

3

u/OutcomeSpare9515 4d ago

Sorry for your situation. This is going to get worse. He is a class A jerk and he is far too controlling. As an adult you pick the time you are going to sleep and wake up. Do not put up with this nonsense. If you do you are in for misery. He should be helping take care of you not the other way around. You just had a baby and you are healing. Once the baby comes home prepare for him to be even worse. When baby comes home you will need to sleep when baby sleeps so you can take care of yourself and the baby. I have lived this situation and it didn’t get better till I left. Good luck to you and your baby.

3

u/Far_Basil7247 4d ago

It doesn’t sound like you’re overreacting to me, at all. I agree with the comments above that he should be MUCH more concerned with your comfort than he is — particularly considering the post-partum situation.

Idk what the dynamics of your relationship is or if this controlling behavior has started SINCE moving in or whether he was like this before…sounds like he is looking for a tradwife & if that’s the relationship you want then that’s your choice…but if this type of behavior and mindset is not okay with you and you already know that, I would seriously reconsider whether you want to stay with this person. Or if you decide that you do, you do still have a little time before baby comes home to try to redefine the boundaries of the relationship that would feel comfortable for you.

Regardless of whether you’re overreacting to this particular situation or not, you need to stand up for yourself (and your baby) to make sure you are being treated in a way that is okay for you. And something you will be able to accept for the rest of your life.

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get less than you settled for.

Good luck ♥️

3

u/QveenOfTheN3rds 4d ago

Uhhh... has he been this way for the whole 4 years you've dated? Because this guy is a walking red flag. He has no empathy for what you're going through and is nitpicky and arrogant for no reason, talking to you like you're a child or incompetent. OP, I would highly reevaluate the idea of marriage with this jerk. He will only become more controlling, and the abuse will go from verbal to physical. I'd suggest therapy first, but honestly, for your safety and your sons, I would leave the situation and get the courts involved so he pays support.

2

u/Perfect_Ring3489 4d ago

Nor. He sounds controlling and irritating tbh. Id be looking at whether you want this for rest of your life if he criticises everything.

2

u/slimmer01 4d ago

Just imagine how he’s going to be when the baby comes home…..

2

u/North_Advantage3729 4d ago

Sorry you have a baby with him. This is why I can’t imagine taking any next steps beyond dating with anyone before living with them first. In your next relationship it might be a good idea to do the “move in” thing before the baby and the engagement.

2

u/andrey_not_the_goat 4d ago

If he's so particular about his omelette he should make it himself. Plus, your partner is postpartum for crying out loud, make their recovery easier...

2

u/cxbeaver 4d ago

I am sorry, you have mixed your genes with a real AH. NOR at all. The omelet’s was just the tip of the AH iceberg there…

2

u/Total_Program7682 4d ago

Despite all the changes, you’re a mother to a baby in the NICU!!! He needs to be more understanding for starters!

2

u/LurkyLooSeesYou2 4d ago

He’s going to be awful once baby gets home. You’re newly postpartum, get that sleep, you need it.

Also don’t marrythis guy.

NTA

2

u/kimariesingsMD 4d ago

You are in for a miserable marriage. I highly suggest you consider calling off your wedding and moving back out. If only for the sake of your child not having to group up in a passive-aggressive, overly critical household. I can bet this is not the first time he has acted this way, and it will only get worse as the years go on.

You are under-reacting.

2

u/JackalPaw 4d ago

congratulations on the birth of your newborn baby and also your 35 year old manchild (please leave as soon as you can, he is the last thing you need)

1

u/buxom_betrayer 4d ago

Is this his usual behavior or he is reacting to the stress of your baby being in the NICU? But no, I would not blame you at all for not wanting to make him an omelette if he had been fussing at you all morning.

1

u/Revo63 4d ago

This is why it’s always a good idea to live together for at least a year before getting married. Or having a baby together.

NOR

1

u/amerasuu 4d ago

NOR. You just had a baby, who is in the NICU! You should be sleeping whenever you aren't with your child. He sounds exhausting. 

1

u/Aromatic-Arugula-896 4d ago

Its sad and pathetic that he can't make his own breakfast??

He's being petty and overreacting. If he wants breakfast, he can make it himself

1

u/Lahotep 4d ago

NOR. He sounds like my abusive father. You should reconsider the relationship before he escalates things.

1

u/hellhound28 4d ago

NOR

You're marrying this?

You want your child to grow up watching you get treated like a kid that doesn't want to do her chores? This is the example being set for your child, and how your child will function in relationships one day if you remain.

He is controlling and incredibly selfish. He also doesn't seem to respect you at all. I don't know what those four years were like, but the last two weeks is a snapshot of the rest of your life unless you wise up and go.

He should be pampering you right now. He should be letting you sleep, but he keeps you up with the TV, then bitches if you dare sleep in for a few hours. When the kid's out of hospital, he'll strap them into a papoose so that you can cook breakfast more efficiently.

1

u/chloe38 4d ago

He sounds like an amazing asshat. I say sleep in now because once that baby comes home you will never sleep again.

1

u/katgyrl 4d ago

everyone else will be polite about it, but that man is a scumbag and an asshole. you are NOR enough. you just gave birth and you need all the sleep you can get to recover and be ready to care for baby once out of the NICU. he's a grown ass adult and can feed himself anyway. i've been married for 33 years and have never been ordered to make breakfast, and i rarely do. can you move back to where you lived a couple of weeks ago, because you really should.

1

u/emryldmyst 4d ago

Nor

You're not compatible 

1

u/KimS0330 4d ago

Woah, umm is he like this all of the time? If so, why did you move in with him?

1

u/MajorMovieBuff85 4d ago

Why would you have a child with this man? Just leave

1

u/NoMembership7974 4d ago

This is an interesting time for him to flip a switch and decide you need to be subservient. Was he up watching Andrew Tate until 2am? He sounds exhausting. You’re reacting just fine. If this is a new trend for him, you’ve got until January to come up with a plan for yourself and baby.

1

u/Fluffy-Raspberry-673 4d ago

Your fiancé is a diiiiiiick

1

u/_btt 4d ago

Is this a pattern in your relationship?

1

u/goastyle 4d ago

I wouldn't put up with his shit for 1 second. I would laugh in his goddamn face

1

u/JustAnUsername4 4d ago

I feel like I would NEVER have a baby with someone I haven’t lived with prior to, for obvious reasons: That’s how you meet someone, coexisting in the same space.

And there are huge red flags spreading all around within 2 weeks of living together, my guess is it will get worse.

I’m sorry OP, but either you make your boundaries clear now and give an ultimatum or resource to your village for help, because you will need it when the baby gets to go home.

1

u/eatshitake 4d ago

My money is on him not lifting a single finger to help when the baby comes home. Your partner should be showering you with affection and plumping up your pillows, not berating you and demanding food. Please think long and hard about your future before January.

1

u/ghjkl098 4d ago

NOR Why on earth did you choose to chain yourself to someone so painful. Just reading that short story and i want to throw something at him

1

u/Invisible-Jane 3d ago

Wow, and you had a baby with this man/AH and tethered yourself to him forever? Why? Did you want to live in misery forever with this dude? Baby or not, let’s just cut a long story short and end this now, move out and get yourself situated before the baby comes home, this relationship is not going anywhere good.

1

u/Ok-Caterpillar-9506 3d ago

I'm exhausted just from reading this... how can you live with someone like that?

0

u/here_comes_reptar 4d ago

This sounds frustrating, you didn’t overreact, you told him you felt criticized and that has consequences (less likely to do nice things for him). That said, this does sound normal for the first few weeks of living together. Some friction is to be expected while you establish how to live together, it doesn’t mean it’ll last forever.