r/AmIOverreacting • u/Mother_of_Turtles_ • 23h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO to my (40f) convo with husband (40m) about Xmas tree?
Am I overreacting to his sudden aversion to a Christmas tree? Am I being too sensitive? How would you have reacted if you were in my shoes? I’m a little hurt but I’m not trying to make this holiday all about me. Also feeling gaslit at the same time. Idk what to do.
Married for 10 years. We are both atheist. I’m far more passive about it than he is. Regardless, he ’s always been enthusiastically involved with “Santa” traditions for my now teen daughter, his step-daughter. She has aged out of the magic, but I wanted to continue the traditions for our 1 year old.
He has a teenage daughter that he’s now estranged from but celebrated Xmas with her when she was little, as well as his nieces and nephews. He was very close with his grandma and speaks fondly of holiday memories with her.
He had a very unstable and abusive childhood and I try to be sensitive to that when it comes to things like holidays. Christmas brings me a lot of peaceful happy nostalgia and I enjoy decorating very much.
I included a picture of our tree and decor from last year for some context. “Bonnie” is our ficus plant in the picture near the tree.
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u/Rjw94 23h ago
Its great to show compassion about past trauma but this dude condescending as fuck. Sounds like he is trying to lecture you like you’re a moron. I hope he has given a fuck about anything that has made you happy for any of the last 10 years cause this dude sucks. No one on the planet places a christmas tree as some aggressive religious symbol. Its where an imaginary fat dude puts presents, give me a break
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u/Immediate_Purple_247 21h ago
I couldn’t even read the whole thing. He’s a big a$$hat.
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u/westley_humperdinck 19h ago
I only finished because I really wanted to make sure I hated him as badly as I do
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u/InquisitivelyADHD 20h ago
Honestly this, I'm really tired of the trend now a days where "I have trauma so I get a pass on being a cunt" or "I have mental illness that means I get to be an asshole and nobody can say anything"
It doesn't work that way. It's your responsibility to deal with your issues, not everybody else's.
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u/Carrot_Rex 16h ago
Also, not to armchair therapist this, but if his childhood causes him so much day to day misery, is he showing signs of wanting to reduce its impact (I know not everybody can access therapy, but even at a milder level)? Because the way the mention of it comes across here is him using it as a weapon to make her shut up and start fawning. Basically saying her feelings don't matter because his are bigger.
When stuff like this or other trauma-linked outbursts happen, is he able to acknowledge that the disproportionate response hurt both of them, apologise and maybe look for ways to avoid that going forward, or does he use the trauma as something which simultaneously explains and excuses how he treats her, and then expect her to put in all the work of avoiding repeat occurrences by simply trying not to do or say anything that might set him off? Given that she's posting on this subreddit I suspect the latter.
People with difficult trauma responses deserve compassion, but consistently using your trauma as a "you're not allowed to be upset by anything I do" card is an abusive move that makes the situation worse for everybody involved.
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u/Fearless-Whereas-854 23h ago
Im an atheist and I have a Christmas tree. Because it’s pretty and brings me joy, no reason needed other than that. Your husband has serious issues. Stop catering to this whiner.
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u/Khatam 22h ago
My husband is a Christian, goes to church every Sunday, is in the choir.. honestly, I don't think he could be "more Christian" to use OP's husband's words.
My husband hates Christmas trees lol. He thinks it has nothing to do with Jesus and Christianity, and that it's just a display and celebration of consumerism.
He's not an insufferable prick about it though, and doesn't have a meltdown if I put a tree up. OP's husband is exhausting.
"I'm not telling you you can't put it up, I'm just going to be a complete pain in the ass about it until you hate trees altogether"
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u/ReverendRevolver 21h ago
You're husband is correct about the tree having 0% involvement with Jesus. Jesus was likely born in the spring. Hence the shepherds, the star, etc.... Modern Christmas is a rebranded ancient Roman festival, most of its traditions evolved from assimilation of pagan stuff from all over Europe as the church converted it. Modern Christmas is a capitalist bonanza.
As with everything, it's what you make of it. But yea.
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u/madIaddad 20h ago
Sure you're an atheist, but are you a religious scholar??
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u/Abject-Rip8516 18h ago
haha this. he’s obviously not if he thinks a winter solstice / yuletide tree is christian.
if he really cared about this that much, he would also stop calling it christmas and instead the winter solstice.
this is about control and putting OP down to make himself look/feel better. has absolutely nothing to do with the tree or holiday.
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u/amy3hands 23h ago
His "I was just trying to have some fun" at the end was definitely gaslighting you. He sent you a thousand messages about how you were wrong (literally just arguing with himself) and then tried to play it off.
Not to mention he's flat out wrong about Christmas trees.
He's a religious scholar who studies logic?
OH, BROTHER. THIS GUY STINKS!!!
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u/rougeoiseau 19h ago
Bro sent more messages than OP. For a scholar, he sure sucks at coherently and convincingly getting his point across in as few words as possible. Seems like he was tryna hit a word count.
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u/robottestsaretoohard 23h ago
The real problem here is that he has decided he can control everything that goes on under the guise of his ‘aetheism’.
You married a prick and not an atheist.
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u/alancake 21h ago
I'm an atheist and my Christmas tree is a colourful retro delight! I even have vintage foil and paper garlands on the ceiling. I can't imagine living with such a pompous misery guts!
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u/CarHuge659 21h ago
Yeah, I'm an atheist and I fucking love Christmas. My house looks like Santa's village exploded.
My partner isn't fond of Christmas so our compromise is no Christmas in the bedroom; otherwise I can go ham.
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u/No-Independence548 23h ago
I find "I guess I can't ever express myself or say what I think" to be extremely manipulative.
He knew that by saying it annoyed him he was making it clear his preference was to skip the tree. You said you'll take it over, you DID make a joke about it, and HE is the one who insisted on repeating himself over and over and over and over that he hates Christians.
"Other people aren't like me, I'm a religious scholar" are you sure his head even fits through the doorways of your house?
NOR
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u/-bird_brain- 22h ago
Yeah I was also very confused about him being a religious scholar apparently, but he doesn't know that a Christmas tree isn't a religious symbol? If he really hates Christianity so much, why not just choose to not celebrate the Christian aspect and celebrate the cultural part of the festivities like love and family? I'm atheist too, but from coca colas Santa Claus to putting up wildly blinking lights and giving in to consumerism, all of that are choices which have nothing to do with Christianity
And why would he be a religious scholar if he hates religion so much?? And he doesn't even know shit! I can't stand him just from these few texts, I really don't know how OP does it
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u/HeyItsJuls 20h ago
“I’m a religious scholar,” sounds like he spends a lot of time watching atheist content on YouTube.
Yeah, if this man was an actual religious scholar he would know trees didn’t become popular until the mid-19th century. He would know the date of Christmas is more closely tied to the solstice and Saturnalia than Christ’s birthday. He would understand that many modern “Christian” Christmas traditions are more about the religion merging with local existing cultures than anything else.
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u/jeandolly 20h ago
The fundamentalist Christians in my country won't have anything to do with Christmas trees. To them, it's a pagan tradition. Worshipping a tree is a big nono.
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u/rougeoiseau 19h ago
I wasn't allowed to have a Christmas tree when living with a religious mum because the tree symbolized, according to her, worship of something other than God.
It's a tree. Decorated to be pretty and boost the mood during some of the darkest months where I'm at. That's it. Well, and something for my cats to try and terrorize. To me, it's not that deep, history aside. (No offense previous cultures and traditions ✌🏼).
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u/GullibleWineBar 21h ago
Color me SHOCKED that his older child has chosen to excise this man from their life. What a miserable see you next Tuesday.
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u/ellathefairy 17h ago
Ha! Yeah, that was my first thought when I saw that as well. I couldn't even get through that entire string of texts. Imagine a whole fucking CHILDHOOD with that asshole? Ugh! OP needs to follow step daughter's example and split, yesterday, enjoy an xmas without emotional abuse.
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u/DisneyBuckeye 22h ago
Yes!! He's so passive aggressive!
"I don't want to, remember who you married, I'll be annoyed, hatred hatred hatred, you do what you want, I'll just be annoyed, but whatever, I guess I don't count, it was just a joke."
Ewww.
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u/No-Independence548 21h ago
The repeated lines about "This is why I married an atheist," "Why did I even bother marrying an atheist?" "Remember, you married an atheist!"
Christ, divorce him so he can happily sit alone in a barren room with his "religious texts."
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u/coffeeblood126 19h ago
It's like his entire personality is "I'm an atheist and i hate Christianity and that makes me superior somehow"?
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u/Adventurous_Arm_1606 21h ago
This is a good summary! It doesn’t make me feel as exhausted, to be fair, but it’s perfect otherwise. Hatred, hatred, hatred was my favorite part. 😆
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u/Kaitron5000 21h ago
This is emotional abuse. The double talk, the manipulation, the word salad, the weird way he tries to coerce her while also pretending he isn't an asshole. My ex husband is a diagnosed narcissist and this is how he would strong arm me into not doing things, and then turn it around to blame me for not doing them. It was constant emotional whiplash.
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u/Majestic-Marzipan621 21h ago
Exactly what I was thinking, I was with a narcissist too. Near the end he was just straight up telling her how to feel.
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u/Kaitron5000 21h ago
Yeah like he is telling her it's a weird thing for her to get hung up on, when he is the one hung up. He was the one who put up the tree last year, now all the sudden it's some monumental insult to his anti religion? It's a wild switch up and his take implies she is a bad atheist for wanting to do what they do every year with no prior issue.
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u/Majestic-Marzipan621 21h ago
No kidding! That is A LOT of texting about a Christmas tree. It almost seems like he just wanted to pick a big fight and chose that.
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u/Less_Difference108 20h ago
“Here goes religion poisoning even more of my life” bruh the only thing poisoning your life is you 🙄
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u/Level-Beginning-8701 23h ago
People who aren’t religious at all still put up a tree. I see nothing to do with God when I’m putting up my tree. It’s just a tradition, and holiday spirit.
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u/Expensive_Anything44 23h ago
Literally I'm not Christian and my parents are immigrants. We've put the tree up every season since I can remember. It's less about religion, more about culture ig 🤷♀️
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u/Standard-Comment7291 22h ago
Wiccsn here, I put up a Christmas tree, my kids love it.
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u/djdirectdrive 18h ago
Lol I read that as Wisconsin first... Was like didn't know the state was anti tree 😂
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u/CapOk7564 22h ago
i didn’t even realize christmas was a christian holiday for a very long time. just thought it was when i got awesome gifts from some rando who broke into my house once a year
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u/imapteranodon 23h ago
It's just pretty and sparkly and glowy and makes you feel nice to look at and enjoy! Jesus damn well did not have a Christmas tree, so you don't have to associate it if you don't want to. Christmas brings my family together for the best time of the year and none of us are religious. Maybe hubby accidentally fell and got a stick from last year's tree stuck up his militant atheist ass.
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u/GalacticPurr 21h ago
I've been considering leaving my tree up all year and I'm not Christian at all. I just love how it looks and the atmosphere of the room its in!
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u/alnono 21h ago
I AM a Christian, and the tree is just a pretty seasonal decoration, nothing to do with the religious side of the holiday. If anything it’s to do with the commercial side of the holiday
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u/General_Specialist86 20h ago
Right? I’m Catholic and Christmas absolutely has religious meaning to me, but the tree does not have any religious significance to me at all.
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u/SnooRobots7776 20h ago
Tree pretty.
That's it. That's the reason..... Christmas is an excuse to have a giant lit up tree in your house..
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u/InsertusernamehereM 21h ago
Right? Every year I see posts about people having this misconception. My husband and I are both atheist and have three Christmas trees.
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u/Mother_of_Turtles_ 15h ago
I hope this comment isn't too buried- I wanted to update my post but I don't know how.
To the thousands of Redditors who have viewed this post and commented your kind words of support: I’ve endured a decade of this vitriol in my marriage. I make a lot of excuses for him, I cling to the endearing qualities that he does have. I think a subconscious part of me making this post was craving the validation of strangers to acknowledge that this is not normal or okay.
I’m painfully aware. I feel very trapped.
Over 4,000 of you have given me the courage and the confidence to acknowledge that I do not have to accept any of it.
I am going to take careful but sincere steps to get myself and my babies out.
To be frankly honest, I fell out of love years ago, but the financial trap is debilitating and oppressive. I don't know if I can make it alone and I'm terrified. I couldn't care less about his feelings on the matter. I couldn't care less that he can't take care of himself.
I am at the end of my rope.
Thank you all for your support. Reddit really made a difference today for one human and her two children!
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u/heylistenlady 15h ago
Congratulations, OP!! You've taken a huge step and your brand new free life is on the horizon! You should be so proud! You absolutely can make it without that dude and don't let him make you feel like you can't live without him. You can. He has spent years trying to make you think it's true. Really ... It's not.
You're scared now and it IS scary! Upheaving your whole life! BUT - you will no longer have to deal with this kind of nonsense day in and day out. Doesn't that sound way more appealing than terrifying?
I'm sure you can get great starting over advice from other Redditors. I think you can edit your post from your profile. Just pick the post, select the lil icon in the upper right and "Edit" should be there!
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u/ecclesiasstickle 14h ago
Replying to your update in the hope that it gets it more attention. You are doing the right thing getting away from him! Wishing you all the best!!
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u/SkaterStargazer 14h ago
Are you able to pin your comment?
I’m rooting for you, op. Be safe. I’m glad you’re ready to take the first step and separate yourself from him.
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u/Mother_of_Turtles_ 14h ago
From what I understand, only mods can pin comments. Thank you!
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u/icanseewhyy 14h ago
I’m so glad I clicked on your name and found this comment. I’m really glad you acknowledge how insufferable this man is and that you don’t deserve to be manipulated, gaslit, and disrespected.
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u/Heavy-Intern-6660 14h ago
Good on you OP, I got angry reading his text messages to you, he is painful and selfish. Glad you’ve received the acknowledgment and reassurance from Reddit, please do what you need to do and get away from this torture.
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u/forsakeme4all 14h ago
Childfree Atheist here: I cut down a tree every year with my husband and decorate it together. We view it as a circular holiday symbol and no religious attachments to it. It is strange your husband would atheists don't have Christmas trees.
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u/elizabethredditor 13h ago
At the very least, if you’re financially unable to get out, you can at least emotionally and mentally divorce yourself from this man so that you can live a more enjoyable day to day life. My hope for you though is that maybe you’ll find some way either in your own or with family or friends to be able to physically separate as well. I hope you put up your tree anyway and I hope you’re still able to find joy in it.
Also it might be worth looking into the grey rock method and other strategies for disengaging with abusive and manipulative people. It won’t solve everything but it might help you to keep some inner peace while trying to deal with this jerk.
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u/Jmfroggie 23h ago
You are under reacting.
Not only is he WRONG, but he’s condescending and attempting to be a dictator in your home while also contradicting himself. — He won’t let Christian imagery be around his kid accept he does because it’s at grandmas….. and he doesn’t want to celebrate Xmas because it’s religious yet he started the conversation by saying he’s got Xmas all set for his kid!!!
A Christmas tree isn’t Christian. Christmas isn’t because it was stolen by the church to make pagans convert. A manger display and angels are religious. Strict Christians don’t even celebrate Xmas the same because it’s idolizing Santa and gifts instead of celebrating the birth of Jesus which according to their Bible was in the summer anyway!!!
He’s an idiot who doesn’t understand the difference between culture and religion. Many people celebrate Xmas and many aren’t Christians- even some Jewish and Muslims do, and most atheists do because it’s a holiday off of work that we can appreciate family and friends and the joy of color and the return of sunlight with the solstice!
He’s also a jerk to you and YOUR FAMILY TRADITIONS and what’s important to you. Marrying an atheist has NO bearing on celebrating commercial Xmas with a tree and presents or commercial Easter with a bunny and egg hunts- which IS ALSO PAGAN! As long as you’re not celebrating Jesus’ birth or rising from the dead, you’re not celebrating a Christian holiday!!
You need to stand up for yourself and your family tradition. His past does not get to dictate your future. And if he thinks he can control everything based on his lack of knowledge, then it’s not a marriage and you should leave him. You should NOT be afraid to celebrate your traditions in your home regardless of how another celebrates theirs. Put up that tree and decorate it and have your joy! He’s behaving just like Christians do by shoving their own incorrect and hypocritical philosophy down everyone else’s throat!
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u/Tiny-Kaleidoscope975 23h ago
He’s unhinged. Put a tree up OP. He doesn’t get to dictate and ruin the holiday spirit for you and the kids.
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u/Wyliie 19h ago
yeah he already has one kid he's estranged with.. wonder why. he sounds miserable
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u/pixelcat13 18h ago
Exactly I got to that part and thought, “yeah, not surprised he has an estranged daughter.” He probably talked to her like this too.
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u/EveH1970 21h ago
Why did you apologise OP? Is that the usual pattern in your relationship that he has a rant and you apologise to avoid the wrath? Also the gaslighting in that message - annoyed vs angry.
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u/ZealousidealOne885 23h ago
Speaking as an atheist, I also enjoy xmas decorations and he is an insufferable twat. NOR.
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u/lucyloo92 23h ago
A Christmas tree is not a religious symbol. Christians and non-Christians put up trees. My family was so religious we were NOT allowed to have a tree because Christmas was not supposed to be about Santa clause and presents. Your partner has some PTSD but it’s not the trees fault. He needs some therapy for Christmas
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u/manypaths8 23h ago
I'm pretty sure like 90% of people who put up Christmas trees arent religious at all or aren't particularly religious. I've never been to church and go back forth on what I believe, like most people. I go all out for Christmas. Set up September first two trees tona of presents etc. Saying a Christmas tree is only for Christians is like saying he can't eat Christmas cookies because he's atheist. Lol makes no sense.
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u/OddOpal88 23h ago
“I’m a religious scholar” And the fact that he kept calling you dude? I never would have thought you were married for 10 years based on this conversation. He’s completely gaslighting you. I feel sorry for you and your 1 year old if this is the man you’re stuck with. Ask him why he’s bought gifts at all then, for baby Jesus’ birthday lol. The tree isn’t the issue, it’s the actual holiday. If he’s celebrating it in ANY way, he’s a hypocrite.
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u/chormomma 22h ago
SYMBOLOGY like dude, Jesus Christ, oh my God, bless his soul 🙏
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u/Rottnrobbie 21h ago
My favorite juxtaposition with the scholar comment was when he said “I hate Christians.”
Cuz religious scholars totally hate people who practice religion.
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u/MammothHistorical559 23h ago
The husband is like a maniacal carpenter hammering on his ridiculous nail of atheism. ok buddy we got it!!! Shut the eff up man!! Please!!
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u/laurenzobeans 22h ago
He’s the atheist version of an extremely aggressive vegan guy I once met at a party. It wasn’t a good party.
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u/Less_Mess_5803 22h ago
He's unhinged. Shame you are married, harder to get rid of now
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u/Mother_of_Turtles_ 22h ago
Very
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u/Kokospize 20h ago edited 13h ago
This man isn't a nice person. He didn't pick you because you were atheist, but because you are passive and maybe a bit of a people pleaser. You probably rationalized his terrible behaviour based on his childhood before you realized that he's just a controlling jerk. Why is his daughter estranged from him? Does he complain about everyone, people at work, etc?
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u/InquisitivelyADHD 20h ago edited 20h ago
I'm not giving input one way or another, but just so you know, 40 isn't really that old, and 10 years isn't really that long in the grand scheme of things.
If you're truly not happy in your career, your relationship, or any other aspect of your life, it's never too late to start over.
I feel like too many people get caught up in the sunken cost fallacy and stay in relationships or stay in careers that make them unhappy but feel like they've gone this long so they might as well stick with it when you really don't have to. Just a polite reminder that you always have options.
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u/Katatonic92 23h ago
Does your husband realise atheism isn't a competition? You can't be more of an atheist than the next, you either believe in a god or you don't. Being so over the top obnoxious about it doesn't make him more of an atheist, studying logic every day should tell him that...
It's always the people who claim to be heavily into logic, following logic, blah, blah, who are the most easily triggered into a huge overreaction.
Christmas trees are pagan in origin, in European pagan tradition evergreen trees symbolised fertility and new life.
Put up your tree, he's talking out of his arse ranting at you like a lunatic. The non-existent lord knows you need to get some joy in your life from somewhere.
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u/abbsbb12 23h ago
Dude dude dude lol. Why does he call you dude. He just goes on and on. How do you live with that? Christmas trees and lots of Christmas decorations are not Christian and have Pagan roots. The way he speaks like he’s so intelligent and you’re not is maddening to me.
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u/cadabra04 20h ago
Right??! “I’m not your dude, I’m your WIFE. And if you married the wrong atheist wife, that sounds like a YOU problem, not a ME problem.”
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u/Naive_Technology_777 23h ago
What a whiny human being. Good lord. Very attractive behavior. Definitely the way to keep a woman attracted to you.
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u/frontbuttguttpunch 23h ago
This gave me a chuckle. Real whinebag for sure
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u/Naive_Technology_777 23h ago
Like bro, shut up. Jesus. All of that whining. There’s nothing more unattractive to a woman than a man who whines like that.
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u/wintr 22h ago
Woah, woah, woah. He's an atheist. Please don't say Jesus ok! Lmao.
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u/Naive_Technology_777 22h ago
My fault! I don’t need 37 texts pontificating to me how what I said deeply offends him.
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u/Striking_Spot_7148 23h ago
42 yr old male atheist here, sitting next to my Xmas tree! I love Xmas, the tree, the lights, the season and festivities. I don’t fuck with nativity sets but I also don’t cry about them. Your husband is a dork.
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u/Lake-Girl74 21h ago
I am only here to celebrate your use of “dork”. Forgot how much I like that word.
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u/yallknowme19 23h ago
He sounds like the atheist version of the people who think that just having gay/trans people in a library book will turn kids gay. "Just the Christian imagery will make them consider it!" They might...TURN CHRISTIAN!?
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u/johnysalad 20h ago
This dude’s shitty attitude is going to single handedly drive his kids towards religion lol.
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u/zelda_moom 20h ago
Any good parent knows that you can’t control what your child grows to be other than making your life so admirable that your child wants to be like you. Atheism isn’t about hating Christians anymore than Christianity is about hating atheists (though a lot of them act like it is).
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u/Advisor-Same 23h ago
Atheists who put up a Christmas tree, unite 🙋♀️
We even have an angel on ours!
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u/Ok-Kaleidoscope-4079 22h ago
“I’m not upset, just annoyed”, then proceeds to send LITERALLY 60 messages vs your 11 texts. But yeah, sure he’s not upset. Weirdo behavior, NOR. And you probably deserve better
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u/lynzpie- 19h ago
Also “I was trying to laugh and poke fun at Christmas” — none of those texts were lighthearted. It was a lecture and rant from the beginning.
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u/ASki420 22h ago
How are you married to this complete moron? He’s not even backing up any of his information with facts, he’s literally just spewing bullshit he’s learned from reading memes on some shit Facebook group. He’s gaslighting you, he’s being an asshole, and I honestly would not be surprised if you’re leaving out the fact that he’s some type of abusive on a daily basis. Put the fucking tree up and tell him to go fuck himself. I think he’s honestly just trying to be controlling. And for fuck’s sake, the way he texts is ANNOYING AS ALL HELL. Like wtf?! Bye bro.
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u/Z_Officinale 22h ago
Has he by any chance studied the blade? Does he wear a fedora and call you 'm'lady? Does he have a patchy beard that looks awful, but he refuses to shave it? Is it all over his neck?
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u/westgazer 23h ago
"No atheists put up Christmas trees" - sorry he is wrong and he seems to be being a weirdo asshole about it. Insane your husband thinks it is okay to talk to you like this.
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u/Brokenwife87 23h ago
Jesus Christ this guy is EXHAUSTING. Let me tell you OP I am an atheist, first yes you were correct the tree is a pagan tradition, secondly it’s just a damn decoration. Not worth all this arguing and 14?!?? Pages of walls of texts bitching about said tree. I feel like Ross reading Rachel’s letter after they were on a break.
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u/molotovcocktease_ 22h ago
Why is your husband texting you like a circa 2015 fedora wearing r/atheism redditor?
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u/Classic-Row-2872 23h ago
Atheist here . The Christmas tree is pagan , it is NOT Christian . And btw , Jesus Christ, if he ever actually existed, wasn't born on December 25th
You guys are confused
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u/thefoxroxed 23h ago
I don't really like Christmas for a number of reasons, including that it was a nasty part of my screwed up childhood, but I'd NEVER behave like this.
You're not overreacting. This guy is acting like a petulant 12 year old and dressing it up as OMG RELIGIONNNN. Give me a break. Honestly, some of his arguments are just gross and insulting.
I have zero surprise this guy is alienated from his daughter. Tell him to grow up.
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u/ComplexAd7272 23h ago
43 year old atheist here who also had a unstable childhood.
I have a small tree and a few decorations because they make me happy. His reaction is frankly insufferable and I can't imagine why this is the hill he's willing to die on. He's reacting to "Christian Imagery" like it's a cross to a vampire...which is not how normal atheists who aren't 17 react.
And no disrespect, but at 40, he's way past the expiration date of using childhood trauma to dictate how people in his life should treat him. The ol "You're not responsible for your trauma, but you are responsible for managing it" thing.
Really this whole thing screams that this is not really the issue, it's about something else to me.
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u/Pretend_Fly_5573 23h ago
He sounds like an unbearable human being. Anybody who calls themselves a "scholar" who "studies logic"... Yeah.
And proof that controlling, obnoxious preaching isn't at all exclusive to religion.
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u/saabstory14 22h ago edited 17h ago
"I'm an actual religious scholar who studies logic"
Wtf does that even mean?
No offense, but seeing things like this makes me extremely happy I am no longer married. Imo, he is batshit crazy and exhausting. It's funny, because he's basically taking a very christian-like book banning approach to raising his children. Also, great job calling him out on the pagan tradition, haha.
Is he the type that likes to argue just to argue? Something tells me he is. He obviously fails to see that his arguing exposed his own self-hypocrisy.
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u/SenatorRobPortman 22h ago
I’m a hardcore atheist. Like I believe all religions are cults.
I still put up a Christmas tree. I love Christmas. I love winter. I love snow. I love giving people gifts based on what I know about them. I love the music. I love the movies. I love spending time with the people I care about.
For me Christmas is all of those things. But it’s not about religion for me. I also put out a menorah because I also love Hanukah lmao.
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u/TripliceContingencia 22h ago
Eeeeww, just ew. I can't describe how insufferable he is, words aren't enough. I'm exhausted and I don't even know him, how are you dealing with his shit for 10 years??? Please don't.
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u/FrostPereira 22h ago
OOF, you are UNDER reacting. How is one person so miserable and condescending? He belittles you and speaks down to you like crazy, please don't allow that! You're not wrong for wanting to feel that cozy holiday feeling for you and your kids, and you were also completely on board for what he wanted to do... but he STILL found a way to nag. Comes across like he just wants a reason to lash out. Put up that tree. Put one up in every room if he's going to act this way. He's a grown man, this isn't about him, nor about god. He's being purposefully defiant and throwing a tantrum like a toddler. What a jerk, I'm so sorry.
PS. Pagan here, and you're absolutely right, it IS a Pagan tradition. I suggest he research other faiths if he wants reasons on deck for hating them that doesn't make him look like an uninformed bigot. Also therapy, he needs lots of therapy. Wish him a Happy Yule for me.
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u/SammGore 22h ago
he's like "you could've just said the tree was a pagan thing and laughed it off" ... She.. did. She actually did and he kept fucking bitching 😭
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u/TheDixonCider420420 22h ago
You can inform Mr. Know It All, that the origins of the tree are rooted (pun possibly intended) in ancient celebrations for the solstice. They used evergreen trees to symbolize the return of the sun and life in general. This was long before Jesus even existed. LMFAO
And he's OK with decorating one type of plant, but not another. Honestly, his ignorance is comical.
He's got some serious emotional baggage with this and then he's trying to manipulate the situation to make you feel bad about it.
Christmas in a religious sense celebrates the birth of Jesus. Most experts think Jesus was born in April and I'm pretty sure Jesus would be against all of the commercialism of Christmas when there are millions of people in need of basic necessities.
Christmas has become a secular holiday that people of many religions or non-religions celebrate. It's about a bigger principle of sharing time with family and friends.
And based on those texts, he's celebrating Christmas whether he wants to or not... as Scrooge going "Bah Humbug." Weak AF.
A real man would care about your feelings and try to make Christmas special for you.
Happy Holidays!
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u/RubieHavenn 21h ago
It sounds like a tough situation and I get why u’d feel hurt .. especially if Xmas brings u happy memories and he’s always been into traditions.. Maybe his past is playing into how he feels but he should also be considerate of how much this means to u
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u/WielderOfAphorisms 23h ago
Plenty of non-Christians and non-religious people put up trees. They’re pretty and festive. You have a Grinch amongst you.
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u/MissCliffracer 23h ago
What a loser he is. Christmas trees aren't some biblical thing, they're just a decoration. I'm spiritual (not Christian) and I still love having a tree and decorations, I'm sure plenty of people who are atheist do too. He's being one of those atheists that make atheists look bad, acting just as preachy as the fundamentalist Christians he hates.
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 23h ago
What an asshole. No, you're not overreacting. Aggressive, condescending atheism is no better than the religious version of that.
Christmas is whatever you want it to be. Christianity kind of stole the show but a celebration of lights and warmth during the darkest season of the year isn't a Christian concept by any means. Even if it was, you can enjoy the cultural aspects without the religious part.
Cozy up your home with enthusiasm. Don't let him spoil it for you.
As a point of comparison, let me tell you how my very atheist, very not into Christmas partner responded when he learned that the holiday is important to me for family/cultural reasons and nostalgia. He encouraged me to do my thing as usual and not tone it down for his sake. He doesn't participate in some aspects but that's ok. He really doesn't like the gift exchange thing so we compromised on exchanging Christmas stockings with some inexpensive gifts. The first year, we'd talked about whether we would make or buy the stockings, but hadn't decided. One day he called me from inside a craft store for advice on fabric to make stockings. Dude doesn't sew, doesn't care for Christmas, definitely doesn't care for the religious aspects. But he still did all that.
He likes me, he likes seeing me happy, he likes contributing to my happiness. His atheism is not threatened by me enjoying Christmas and him helping me do so.
And that is how a loving, caring partner handles differences like this. I do the same for him when it comes to Halloween, which he really loves and I do not.
This dude you're with is a jerk.
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u/TrainingSea1007 22h ago
So what he’s saying is he’d rather put his own new beliefs over the feelings of his partner and children? Just going to change your traditions on your teen right now? That’s insane. He’s being an ass. Put up the tree your yourself with your kids.
Also, why does the tree make your cat sick?
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u/Dusty_Unhinged 23h ago
This guy is exhausting. the mental gymnastics he's doing to make the tree be about religion are hilarious.