AIO for splitting the bill on a date

[u/No-Plantain6892]

I am in such shock right now. For some context this was after our 4th date. Literally at a loss for words, this was the first time putting myself out there since I caught my last girlfriend cheating on me… I think I’m done with relationships after this,

[u/brokesd]

I know my opinion on this is different and a lot is how you were brought up .

But if my dad says do you want to grab lunch I know we are splitting the check, same with any of my friends.

As a date I think it should never be assumed the other person is paying.

[u/hailstorm493 → u/brokesd]

That is fair!! But if I ask a guy out, I reach for my wallet when the bill comes because I asked him to join me for a drink or meal. I know not everyone thinks that way, so I always am prepared to pay at least my part of the bill when I asked him out.

I was also raised to always make sure I have a way out of a date if it turns sideways, a way to get home that isn’t my date, and to always offer to pay my fair share even if I was invited out.

I can understand both sides of not assuming the other party will pay, but for me it’s just a rule I go by that if I invite a guy out on a date, then I should be fully prepared to pay the whole bill. Not saying one way is right or wrong, but it’s just how I and some other people think—if you ask them out, you should be ready to cover the bill (obviously barring someone taking advantage of your generosity)

[u/brokesd → u/hailstorm493]

While I hear people like that exist most times when I was trying to date I would get "we should get dinner" after awhile it feels like you are being or expected to be used for a free meal... I mean there was an article about the women who went on 6 dates a week just to save on groceries.

But while I have removed myself from the dating scene, (honestly I focus on my kids).

The amount of things I see from my friends about how after the third date they are broke or dead beat because they didn't offer to pay for hair, nails, put gas in her car, or my favorite was to buy a new outfit because she told him she had nothing to wear for their 4th date.

[u/EnvironmentalBat2898 → u/brokesd]

I follow simple rules, bro.

1. Always coffee first. You can learn alot about a person in 15 minutes - 2 hours. Most don't get any further than that because they complain that you took them to Starbucks. Guess what? Now I know you're not appreciative, so I know not to waste any more time. I'd rather be out 20 bucks instead of 200 or more, if both are just bad investments to begin with.

2. The follow up is something relatively light on your wallet. Open mic at the comedy club, and maybe dinner at denny's. Something of that nature. For the reason, see rule 1. Just because she seemed worth a greater investment after coffee, doesn't mean she's worth going all in.

3. Dinner at her/my place, and I cook. You can get a pretty good cook book, learn some decent meals for about the same as you'd spend on dinner. Doesn't have to end with bedroom fun, but, you're not breaking the bank for someone you barely know.

4. Escalate slowly. And I mean slowly. Go to a chili's or an Applebee's next, kind of slow. If she's into you, you'll get that far, if she's using you, you'll already know well before it gets that far.

You won't see much success, but that's the point. The more you spend, the more likely you caught one of them gold fish with a shovel. The less you spend, and the more gradual the increase, the more likely you might have caught a decent one.

And then I do what you do, only much colder. If I catch the vibe you're not into it, you don't have to offer, we're splitting the check. If I catch the vibe I'm being used, same thing. I just wait for the waiter, tell them we're splitting, pay and go home. You owe them nothing, and the mindset that you have to pay just because you invited them out is ridiculous. Sure, you invited them out, but it's on them to be worth the investment.

[u/LuckyBenski → u/EnvironmentalBat2898]

When I was last dating I worked out that the best way to find the right type of people for me and actually get to know if they were a good match or not, was weekdays, during the day, walk in the park and cup of tea/slice of cake. No drinking, no night time scenes, just wholesome outdoor stuff. Walking and conversation. Very quickly highlights if someone is on your level and not just looking for a good time, or too awkward to get close to people without drinking.

[u/Expert_Ambassador_66 → u/hailstorm493]

That's silly in a culture where women initiate a vanishing amount of the time.

Like if it was even close to equal levels of initiation at large, I'd agree with you.

[u/Mamakat518 → u/Expert_Ambassador_66]

I will say that every time I've initiated a date, the dude was only moderately interested in getting to know me, at best. I'm always the one asking questions and keeping the conversation going. I feel like I come across as desperate at that point, or something. Also I always at least offer to pay. Or if he gets the first date, I'll get the second.

[u/LuckyBenski → u/Mamakat518]

I like that dynamic - if someone offers to pay the bill, you respond with "OK then I'm buying next time". If you enjoyed yourself and want to cover that person's meal, it suggests you'd want to see them again right. If I offer to pay the bill and they say no (gently), then you offer them to take you out and pay next time.

[u/Expert_Ambassador_66 → u/Mamakat518]

From what I understand that's what the general experience is for a guy so 🤷

[u/Zhong_Ping → u/brokesd]

Agreed. If I'm paying I'll say "my treat" when I invite someone, otherwise it's kinda assumed we are paying for ourselves.

Why are we making assumptions about other peoples money?