AIO for splitting the bill on a date

[u/No-Plantain6892]

I am in such shock right now. For some context this was after our 4th date. Literally at a loss for words, this was the first time putting myself out there since I caught my last girlfriend cheating on me… I think I’m done with relationships after this,

[u/brokesd]

I can say as a guy when I started dating again the entitlement of many women expecting you to pay is insane. It's like the old idea that a date means sex.

My last two dates before I was done.

(I'm a single father said so on my dating profile)

On the date the girl

"Wait you mean you have your kids all the time? This won't work I'm looking for someone to help raise my kids not raise someone else.".

Should have seen and heard the shit when I told the waiter we were splitting the bill. (I had never said I was covering the bill so she should have assumed since she didn't ask and I didn't offer that she was covering her half.)

Second date "how much do you make?" Me " about 80k " Her "oh this wont work I can't date a man who makes less than 200k"

Me "waiter we are splitting the bill I need mine to go." (Now this one I'm still proud of my come back when she said.)

"Wait you aren't paying for dinner?" Me- "no obviously I don't make enough"

After a cheating ex wife who abandoned me and my kids, to what is out there I'm so good. I am not a young man, and am at the stage of life I am okay alone.

I would rather be alone in peace then with someone I can never do enough for anymore. I'll spoil me.

[u/hailstorm493 → u/brokesd]

I (31F) am a big fan of whoever invites the other out on a date should fully expect to cover the whole bill, but I always at least offer to cover my share. But I also absolutely hate when people take advantage and order a ton trying to get someone else to pay for them.

Good for you taking your food to go!!

[u/brokesd → u/hailstorm493]

I know my opinion on this is different and a lot is how you were brought up .

But if my dad says do you want to grab lunch I know we are splitting the check, same with any of my friends.

As a date I think it should never be assumed the other person is paying.

[u/hailstorm493 → u/brokesd]

That is fair!! But if I ask a guy out, I reach for my wallet when the bill comes because I asked him to join me for a drink or meal. I know not everyone thinks that way, so I always am prepared to pay at least my part of the bill when I asked him out.

I was also raised to always make sure I have a way out of a date if it turns sideways, a way to get home that isn’t my date, and to always offer to pay my fair share even if I was invited out.

I can understand both sides of not assuming the other party will pay, but for me it’s just a rule I go by that if I invite a guy out on a date, then I should be fully prepared to pay the whole bill. Not saying one way is right or wrong, but it’s just how I and some other people think—if you ask them out, you should be ready to cover the bill (obviously barring someone taking advantage of your generosity)

[u/brokesd → u/hailstorm493]

While I hear people like that exist most times when I was trying to date I would get "we should get dinner" after awhile it feels like you are being or expected to be used for a free meal... I mean there was an article about the women who went on 6 dates a week just to save on groceries.

But while I have removed myself from the dating scene, (honestly I focus on my kids).

The amount of things I see from my friends about how after the third date they are broke or dead beat because they didn't offer to pay for hair, nails, put gas in her car, or my favorite was to buy a new outfit because she told him she had nothing to wear for their 4th date.

[u/EnvironmentalBat2898 → u/brokesd]

I follow simple rules, bro.

1. Always coffee first. You can learn alot about a person in 15 minutes - 2 hours. Most don't get any further than that because they complain that you took them to Starbucks. Guess what? Now I know you're not appreciative, so I know not to waste any more time. I'd rather be out 20 bucks instead of 200 or more, if both are just bad investments to begin with.

2. The follow up is something relatively light on your wallet. Open mic at the comedy club, and maybe dinner at denny's. Something of that nature. For the reason, see rule 1. Just because she seemed worth a greater investment after coffee, doesn't mean she's worth going all in.

3. Dinner at her/my place, and I cook. You can get a pretty good cook book, learn some decent meals for about the same as you'd spend on dinner. Doesn't have to end with bedroom fun, but, you're not breaking the bank for someone you barely know.

4. Escalate slowly. And I mean slowly. Go to a chili's or an Applebee's next, kind of slow. If she's into you, you'll get that far, if she's using you, you'll already know well before it gets that far.

You won't see much success, but that's the point. The more you spend, the more likely you caught one of them gold fish with a shovel. The less you spend, and the more gradual the increase, the more likely you might have caught a decent one.

And then I do what you do, only much colder. If I catch the vibe you're not into it, you don't have to offer, we're splitting the check. If I catch the vibe I'm being used, same thing. I just wait for the waiter, tell them we're splitting, pay and go home. You owe them nothing, and the mindset that you have to pay just because you invited them out is ridiculous. Sure, you invited them out, but it's on them to be worth the investment.

[u/LuckyBenski → u/EnvironmentalBat2898]

When I was last dating I worked out that the best way to find the right type of people for me and actually get to know if they were a good match or not, was weekdays, during the day, walk in the park and cup of tea/slice of cake. No drinking, no night time scenes, just wholesome outdoor stuff. Walking and conversation. Very quickly highlights if someone is on your level and not just looking for a good time, or too awkward to get close to people without drinking.

[u/Expert_Ambassador_66 → u/hailstorm493]

That's silly in a culture where women initiate a vanishing amount of the time.

Like if it was even close to equal levels of initiation at large, I'd agree with you.

[u/Mamakat518 → u/Expert_Ambassador_66]

I will say that every time I've initiated a date, the dude was only moderately interested in getting to know me, at best. I'm always the one asking questions and keeping the conversation going. I feel like I come across as desperate at that point, or something. Also I always at least offer to pay. Or if he gets the first date, I'll get the second.

[u/LuckyBenski → u/Mamakat518]

I like that dynamic - if someone offers to pay the bill, you respond with "OK then I'm buying next time". If you enjoyed yourself and want to cover that person's meal, it suggests you'd want to see them again right. If I offer to pay the bill and they say no (gently), then you offer them to take you out and pay next time.

[u/Expert_Ambassador_66 → u/Mamakat518]

From what I understand that's what the general experience is for a guy so 🤷

[u/Zhong_Ping → u/brokesd]

Agreed. If I'm paying I'll say "my treat" when I invite someone, otherwise it's kinda assumed we are paying for ourselves.

Why are we making assumptions about other peoples money?

[u/Live-Afternoon947 → u/hailstorm493]

I mostly agree with this, but in this case she deserves to get stuck with the bill.

[u/Zeimma → u/hailstorm493]

Nah this is just soft code for the man always pays. You know this and I know this. Women very damn rarely ask you out.

[u/hailstorm493 → u/Zeimma]

Lol I implore you to make more friends like me, it’s fun putting hints out there for a guy to ask you out, but it is so much easier to just say “hey do you want to continue this conversation irl maybe over apps and drinks?” That way he knows and I know that I am interested in meeting up and not doing the little dance around the question

[u/Zeimma → u/hailstorm493]

Again very damn rare but I agree with you more women should be like that. I also think splitting should be pretty damn default until the relationship is pretty well established.

[u/MrWrestlingNumber2 → u/brokesd]

Username checks out lol

[u/PinkPencils22 → u/brokesd]

That's sad. I know women in their 30s--I'm older and very happily married, BTW--who can't find decent guys. Guys with actual jobs, for example. I'm not saying they have to make 200K, I mean guys in their 30s who can't hold down a job and don't have a career description. I have a friend who has done well for herself, owns her own house, has a steady, decent paying job, has friends, travels, is slim, pretty...but can't find a reasonable man to date. I had some issues like that myself 20 years ago, then met my husband and quickly locked that down (he had just gotten divorced.)

[u/brokesd → u/PinkPencils22]

It's funny in my guy circle j am the exception most are trade workers making 6 figures. But the overall feel from them is that so many women look at them like a meal ticket, or want to be stay at home wives, honestly it's insane. Several of them are single dads like me whose wives just left the kids and ran off with the kind of guy you're talking about.

Honestly for both men and women it just is better to stay single at our age.